The Hard Way:Part Four--The Hardest WordsIt has been a week now. A whole week since I woke up in that hospital bed to find you by my side, Sakura-chan.Has it really been a week? It seems longer, somehow... At first I was confused, unsure of where I was. But then I saw the bandages over my wrists and it all came flooding back to me.My loneliness,your wedding, the knife... it all came flooding back to me. And then the happiness, when I first opened my eyes and saw you sitting beside me, holding my hands, crying deeply. Then, suddenly, the guilt hit me. Of how I got you so worried, so upset...
I felt worse than anything in the world. How could I do that to you? I have no logical explanation to it. To any of it. You deserve a reason to why I did it, but I am not sure if i can bring myself to tell you. You would only blame yourself. And, no matter what you say, you are not to blame. If anyone is to blame, then let it be me. You should blame me for everything.
I do not care if I am alive, or if I succeeded in killing myself. Nothing matters to me anymore. In a way, I am beyond life. I have looked death in the eye and I am still alive. All because of our friendship. And the love of my mother.
In some ways, I am glad that my mother found me. I am with Sakura-chan again and she is happy to have me back, if not a little worried. But, I also wish that I had died. because I now have to live with the fact that Sakura-chan does not love me. But that is the least of my worries right now.
I am too preoccupied with what has been going on since I woke up. Doctors, Psychiatrists, councellors. All asking me the same questions over and over again, with out stop. "Why did you try and kill yourself?" "Do you get depressed easily?" and, the classic, "Do you hear voices in your head?" All I do is sit back in that uncomfortable chair and stare at the plain white wall behind them and answer the questions in my head. But only I hear the answers to the questions. Unable to voice them for these... these strangers. I have found the answers, but I do not like them.
I've got something to say, but I do not know if it is worth a mention. Is anything I say just a waste of breath? Not the effort to say? No. I do not belive it is so. Why am I even thinking of such trivial things? Who knows. Maybe I really am crazy. Maybe I should be put in an isolation room, kept away from the world by locked doors and padded rooms.
You are staring at me. Waiting for an answer. But I didn't hear the question. What was the question? You are staring at me with those big sad eyes of yours. Waiting for an answer that I may not answer.
"Make it go away,"I whisper, ever so softly. You look at me curiously.
"Make what go away, Tomoyo-chan?"
I fingered the bandage on my left wrist, playing with it. i could not look you in the eyes. If I did, I know I would begin to cry. And I do not know if I could ever stop crying.
"Make what go away, Tomoyo-chan?" You repeated.You cupped your hands under my chin and lift my head. Until our eyes meet.
"Everytime my heart starts breaking," I could feel the tears running down my cheeks,"I try and hold it down...Waiting. Waiting for the wailing of when the wind starts blowing..."
"What are you trying to tell me, Tomoyo-chan?"
I blinked some tears away. Just what was I trying to tell you? I didn't know. I am just babbling uncontrollably. i feel the tears stream down my face faster and I put my head down and cried. The next thing I knew, I was crying on your shoulder as you hugged me tightly.
Why do you know me so well? Should I try it harder to hide myself? Or should I just open up and tell you everything? I know I should, but can I really bring myself to do that? I have to. If I want to save myself, then I must tell you everything.
"Sakura-chan? I'm ready to talk..."
To Be Continued...home Part five