The One With The Lush Blokes (aka Mish and Bryn got bored)
A SG-13 Epic, by Bryn and Mish

DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognizable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognized characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

"UNAUTHORISED OFF-WORLD ACTIVATION!" Mish shouted into the mic when she thought no one was looking.

Jack O'Neill of SG-1 was talking to Samantha Carter (also of SG-1) on the other side of the control room. He paused to glare at Mish. "Don't you have anything better to do with your time?" he asked.

Mish grinned, the thought 'He just wants to chat up Sam in peace,' running through her head. She answered, "Nope, I'm supposed to be cleaning the keyboard for Simmons. He said, 'If you want to stop bugging me and help, clean this up while I get some coffee.' So, like the upstanding SGC personnel member I am, I am."

Just then, as O'Neill was trying to formulate a shocked reply, Bryn walked in.

"Hey," Bryn called cheerily as she walked in. Spying Sam and Jack in the corner (far too close together to be just "talking") she gave them a wink and sat down next to Mish. "Cara's annoying me again, so I came in search of less annoying people. Not finding any, I thought I'd stop by and see what you were up to."

"Waiting for Gray to get back... the control room is just so empty without him, don't you think?" Mish asked.

Bryn nodded in agreement. "Oh, hey, guess what? The Pentagon wants a review of the Stargate Program." Bryn smiled broadly.

"And we care because...?"

"Means The Lush Major Davis will be visiting our fair Mountain today!"

"Oh!" Mish exclaimed. Having never met The Lush Major Davis, she wasn't really filled with the ecstatic hope and excitement that Bryn was, but Kat had shown her some videofootage of The Lush Major Davis so she knew exactly what he looked like. And she liked what she had seen. "He is?"

"Yes he is!" Bryn exclaimed. "Why would I be telling you if he wasn't?"

"Ummmm," Mish answered. "Mish doesn't know."

"Well, are you coming?"

"Mish wants to know where to, and for how long."

"The rec room, for an indeterminable amount of time."

"Mish would sorta like to stay here until Gray gets back."

"Bry- Mish!" Bryn exclaimed angrily at the catchy third-person speak. "Just get over it. We all know Major Davis is MUCH cuter! Anyway, let's go tell the others and, I dunno, watch him come in on BeccaVision."

"Why can't we do that in person?" Mish wanted to know.

Bryn answered immediately, "Hammie said he'd kill me if I ever did anything like that again."

"What?" Mish looked confused.

"Well..." Bryn began. "Last time The Lush Major Davis (is that his official name now?) came I sorta... kinda... well let's just say I'm not allowed to go to the surface to greet visitors anymore and leave it at that, ok?" And yes, she does talk in parentheses, it is part of the randomness that is Bryn.

"Right… but what about Gray?" Mish looked very forlorn at the thought of leaving her cute bloke.

"Why don't you just bring him along?" Bryn shrugged. "In fact, why don't you just make him a collar and leash so you can take him wherever you go?"

"Hey. . ." Mish started. "That's not a bad idea."

Bryn grinned.

Sam and Jack appeared to have taken a sudden interest in the conversation also, and Mish glanced over her shoulder at them and smiled prettily. She turned back to Bryn. "Yep, I'll have to think about that."

"While you're at that, you might wan-" Bryn began, but then was shushed by Mish as Graham Simmons entered the room, accompanied by two cups of coffee.

Bryn shook her head. She knew Mish fancied Gray, but she didn't realise that Mish would manage to actually get the man to get her a cup of coffee. She could only imagine the deviousness of Mish's mind.

Mish smiled sweetly at Graham and took the coffee and got up, so Graham could sit in his seat, which he did. "Nice. Thanks, Gray!" Mish exclaimed. "I gotta go do something with Bryn now though, but I'll see ya later!!"

Graham looked up from the computer screen, as though he was trying to figure out what Mish could have possibly done wrong to the computer system in his absence, and swallowed a mouthful of coffee. "Uh, yeah. Sure. Bye," he said in fragmented sentences.

Mish walked out of the room with coffee cup in hand, and turned back to Bryn. "You comin', or what?" she asked.

"Huh? Oh yeah, coming." Bryn shook her head and stood up. She'd been staring at Graham and fallen into the damn-he's-a-good-looking-guy-maybe-if-I-stare-at-him-long-enough-he'll-glance-at-me trance. (Hey, Mish ain't the only one who thinks he's cute!)

Bryn and Mish walked down the halls (only because Mish was holding coffee, otherwise they'd have been sock-skating as it was Bryn's preferred method of travel) and smiled sweetly at everyone they passed. Everyone on base was consumed by a huge, inexplicable feeling of dread whenever a member of SG-13 smiled sweetly, and Mish and Bryn just loved watching them all run away in horror.

When Bryn and Mish arrived at the SG-13 rec room, Kat and Cara were seated in front of BeccaVision2000. Becca was pretending she was 'above' such things, and was playing pool against herself. As soon as a helicopter landed on-base, the BeccaVision2000 cameras swivelled and the exit of The Lush Major Davis (Yep, an official name now) was shown. Becca joined Cara, Kat, Mish and Bryn in front of the screen.

Mish whistled. "He's nice," she summed up.

Bryn turned around. "Just nice? Can't you see? He's a god!"

Mish's face fell. "Oh, does that mean we have to blow him up with one of O'Snaill's bombs or something? 'Cause if he's a god that's not good, right? Gods are bad, right? Goa'uld are the bad guys, right? Or have I got this wrong? Mish knew she should have made notes!"

Bryn sighed. "Goa'ulds are snakes in peoples heads. They are icky and bad and we shoot them (well we would if they'd give us guns! Why they think the world is gonna end just 'cause we have a little firepower is beyond me). Gods are very hot guys who are yummy to look at and fun to stalk. Got it?" Bryn explained very slowly to Mish. She was in a very parenthetical mood and could not help it, so just deal with the tangents, ok?

Mish thought for a second, then pulled out a notebook and started writing. After a moment she looked up again and said: "Got it!"

Kat glanced up from her viewing. "Shhhhhhh!" she said. "I'm trying to make out what he's saying."

Bryn paced slightly, keeping her eye on the TV set. "Is he inside yet?" she asked. "We can go see him when he's inside."

Cara looked up. "You can, I guess. He just stepped across the threshold."

"Without carrying me across?" Bryn sounded shocked and disappointed.

"Where's he going?" Kat asked, nicking Mish's coffee and consuming it while Mish was putting her notebook back in her pocket.

Mish looked down into the now-empty coffee cup mournfully. "Simmons made me that coffee," she said.

"You sound like Hobbie."

"Who?" Becca asked.

"He's this X-Wing pilo-" Mish started to explain.

Cara put up her hands. "Enough! Enough! He's going to the control room!"

Mish smiled hugely. "Overload of cute uniformed guys in the control room? And I'm not there?" She THWACKed Bryn. "Why didn't we just stay there with Gray?"

Bryn shrugged.

"To the Control Room!" Cara yelled, and started at a run.

Kat, Bryn and Becca ran after her.

Mish picked up the coffee cup, and then ran after them.

Bryn made it to the control room first (because she was shortest and she maintained that made her quickest and well, she was also writing this bit). She was at full speed when she finally spotted The Lush Major Davis and slammed on the breaks, sliding to a stop in front of him. Kat, Becca and Cara, unfortunately, were right behind her and also at full speed, which meant they did one of those funny cartoon things where they all slammed into the back of Bryn, collapsing into a huge pile of SG-13 on the floor. Mish had made a beeline for Graham, so she had avoided the collision and she laughed uncontrollably at her friends.

"Oh, goodie, SG-13 is here," Jack commented sarcastically.

"Ya know you missed us." Bryn winked at him as she picked herself off the floor.

"Ya think?" Mish and O'Neill said at exactly the same time.

They looked at each other, and shook their heads. At exactly the same time.

"Oh, for cryin' out loud!" Jack exclaimed. "Will someone make her not do that?"

"Do what?" Mish asked innocently.

"They don't call her O'Snaill for nothing," Kat informed O'Neill.

"Who does?" O'Neill asked.

"Well, no one yet," Mish replied. "But hopefully they will, ya know, when word gets around."

"Major Davis, SG-13. SG-13, Major Davis." General Hammond introduced everyone.

"We've met," Major Davis said, a quaver in his voice.

Bryn sighed. This caused a knock-on effect, as Becca sighed, causing Cara to sigh, causing Kat to sigh, causing Mish to sigh, causing Graham to, well, look at Mish. Which had the desired effect for Mish's sake, anyway.

"SG-13, what are you doing here?" George asked.

"What kinda question is that?" Becca asked.

"Graham, Major Davis, and Danny all in the same room? Where else would we be?" Bryn asked.

"Danny's here?" Cara asked. "Since when?"

"Well, Jack's here, so I decided all of SG-1 was here, I just hadn't mentioned it yet." Bryn shrugged. "Plus this is our fic, where else would he be?"

"Had we had enough talk about where were supposed to be yet?" Kat wondered, hoping to get back on the topic of staring at all the wonderfully hot guys in the room.

Mish sighed. "If only Martouf were here, this day could be perfect."

Kat glared at her.

"We were just about to show Major Davis the Stargate," Sam said.

"Uh, hasn't he seen that, Sam?" Becca asked.

"Yes. We were just about to dial out to P3X-666."

"Cool name!" Mish exclaimed. "Can I dial out?"

"I wanna dial out!" Cara retorted.

"No, I wanna!"

"I was here first."

"Yeah, on this planet, but not in this room."

"Yes, I was. You came in last."

"But I was here before that, with Graham. Right, Gray?"

"Righ-"

"No, I was SO here first!"

"I wanna dial out!"

"No, me!"

"Me!"

"Me!"

"I'm better at it!"

"When have you done it before?"

Mish grinned slyly. "When Graham or anyone isn't in here, I practice!"

"Mish, you know that's against SG-13 policy. You could start to like being a normal member of the SGC!" Kat exclaimed.

"But it's so much fun!" Mish replied.

"CHEVRON ONE, ENCODED!" Cara yelled as chevron one encoded.

"CHEVRON TWO, ENCODED!!" Mish yelled back.

"Chevron three, encoded." Graham got in there before either of them.

This caused Mish to sigh, so Cara yelled, "CHEVRON FOUR, ENCODED!"

"CHEVRON FIVE, ENCODED!" Mish yelled.

Kat, Becca and Bryn shrugged at Sam, Jack, Danny, Teal'c, Graham, Major Davis and General Hammond.

"CHEVRON SIX, ENCODED!" Cara yelled. "CHEVRON SEVEN..." she continued.

"LOCKED!!!!" Mish cut off.

They then looked at each other as the Stargate did the 'blue whooshy thing' and smiled.

"Remind me again how SG-13 got assigned here?" The Lush Major Davis asked George.

"We're cute, funny and impossible to resist." Bryn smiled.

Everyone in the room stared at her.

"What? We are too!"

"So, hey, what are you going to do on planet P3X-666, anyway?" Becca asked. "Do we get to go?"

"NO!" yelled every adult in the room.

SG-13 pouted.

"Need I point out that leaving us behind when we're disappointed usually only leads to us doing a great many things that you don't particularly like?" Bryn reminded, still standing very close to The Lush Major Davis and trying for all her might to look cute.

Graham shuddered and maybe for the first time in his Cute PuppyDogEyed life he said a few non-fragmented sentences. "Sir, I think it's probably the best if you take them with you for this mission. You know what they're like when they're on their own, and you know what their like when they don't get their way. Sir?"

Mish almost fainted from the Extreme Lushness of the situation.

Thankfully, Graham stopped her from doing this, and she fell into him instead. He caught her, and she sighed again, louder.

Kat, Cara, Bryn and Becca laughed.

Mish got up, *ahem*ed and saluted at General Hammond crisply. "Sir, permission for SG-13 to accompany you to P3X-666, Sir?"

Cara gasped. "Keep that up and you'll take over my job!" she said angrily. "And no one gets MY job."

Mish had these tendencies to get into 'Upstanding SGC Member' Mode.

Hammond looked nervous. "Permission granted, SG-13. Move out."

SG-13, SG-1 and Paul 'The Lush Major' Davis moved out. Through the Stargate.

"You know, maybe I don't *really* need to go on a mission," The Lush Major Davis whimpered as he stepped out of the wormhole onto the planet, finding himself suddenly surrounded by five very pretty, yet very close, girls.

Bryn growled.

The Lush Major Davis gulped.

Bryn smiled.

"I'd help you Major, but they rather scare me." Jack shrugged.

"We'd spread out to Danny, but he's taken," Becca explained.

"Why do you keep saying that?" Daniel asked, oddly enough speaking up for the first time in this fic. He'd previously been trying to blend into the background and not get noticed.

"Because it's true," Cara said, giving him a what-are-you-dumb? look.

"Oh," Daniel replied.

"Mish would stick around Graham, but he's back on Earth," Mish said.

"Why do you speak in third person?" Davis asked. He was afraid of the answer.

"'Cause I'm an alien, and I have an excuse," Mish replied, looking lovingly up at him.

Bryn glared at her.

Mish smiled back.

"So, this is P3X-666?" Sam asked, coughing.

"She's jealous 'cause Jack's not paying her any attention," Becca explained.

Sam glared.

"Ya think?" Mish said, doing her uncanny Jack O'Neill impression.

Jack glared at her. She smiled at him. "What're we doing here, Jack?" she asked.

"Besides glaring," Bryn added, sarcastically. She couldn't let Mish have all the fun.

"We're supposed to show Major Davis a standard recon mission," Daniel explained, since Sam and Jack were still glaring and Teal'c… uh, he was standing over there doing something.

"So were going to sit around and do nothing until George finally lets us come back?" Cara asked.

"No, that's what *you* do on your missions," Jack replied. "That's not standard."

"Of course it's not, why would we do anything standard? Silly Cara," Becca said.

"So do we get to find out if there are any indigenous peoples, make contact with them, get into some sort of scrape, come out of it with just the hairs on our neck, save the world and then go back through the Stargate?" Mish asked O'Neill excitedly.

O'Neill looked at her. And blinked. Ya know, she might just make a decent SGC member one day... he thought, then mentally slapped himself for thinking it. She's SG-13, for cryin' out loud!

Mish was watching Jack out of the corner of her eye. Is he checking me out? 'Cause if he's checking me out . . . Wait a second . . . I suddenly see what Sam likes about him. Maybe dye his hair back to brown and he'd look okay . . . What the heck am I thinking? He's old, and Sam's, for cryin' out loud!

SG-13, SG-1 and The Lush Major Davis set forth to … do whatever gets done on a standard mission. SG-13 still had no idea what that was because they spent the entire time not paying attention, a skill they had long since mastered. Around four 'shut up Cara!'s, two extraneous Mish tangents, several not-appropriate-for-mixed-company innuendos to The Lush Major Davis, a few X-Wing comments, a discussion of how to take over the world, and another hundred or so sarcastic remarks later, SG-1 was done with the mission.

"Really?" Kat asked. "What'd you find?"

"Um… well, nothing," Danny admitted.

"We've been here for days, followed 'standards' and you've found nothing!?" Cara exclaimed.

"Cara, we've been here maybe two hours!" Becca swatted her.

"Oh yeah, right."

"Can we say 'told you so' now?" Mish asked.

Jack sighed.

"We told you so," Mish said.

"Alright SG-13, move out!"

"After you," Mish said, allowing SG-1 to go before SG-13.

"No." Jack gritted his teeth. "After you."

"Okay!" Mish said, and ran at full-pace to the DHD. "Allllright!" She punched in the coordinates for Earth, 'home', and watched in awe as the 'blue shimmery wooshing noise thing' opened.

"That better not be going to wherever the Tok'ra are again, Mish," Kat said.

Mish smiled. "Nope, it's 'home'." Mish had an uncanny homing-in-on-Martouf ability that amazed SG-13, and particuarly horrified Kat.

SG-1, followed by The Lush Major Davis, followed by SG-1, walked through the wormhole back to Earth.

"Well, SG-1, SG-13, Major Davis, what did you find?" General Hammond asked once everyone was back on Earth (and, in the case of Kat, thanking everything she believed in Mish didn't dial to the Tok'ra homeworld again).

"Nothing," Jack O'Neill said.

"Nothing?" the General inquired.

"Nothing," The Lush Major Davis replied.

"We told you so," SG-13 said in chorus.

~ The End. ~

© Mish and Bryn 2001

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