Last Resort
Becca


E-MAIL: yuna_ezri@yahoo.com
STATUS: this part is complete...I don't know if I'm going to write more on the story yet
FEEDBACK: Please please please!!! Even flames are accepted provided you include some constructive critisism :)
CATEGORY: S/J, angst???
RATING: I'm saying R to be safe...but it may be lower
ARCHIVE: SJA, Heliopolis, my site, NEone else who asks :)
SEASON/SEQUEL: Season...3. Sequel...maybe...depends If I decide to leave you guys on a cliffhanger for the rest of your lives or not :)
SPOILERS: 100 Days...you need to know basically what went on
SUMMARY: Sam's thoughts after 100 Days.
DISCLAIMER: blah blah blah...Don't own them...blah blah blah...just playing for a while...I'll put them back now :) The song isn't mine either
***CONTENT WARNING:*** thought's of suicide within...don't read if you don't like this type of stuff!!! Also some swear words are included
SONG WORDS: Last Resort (the song) is By Papa Roach.

"Cut my life into pieces
I've reached my last resort
Suffocation
No breathing
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm
Bleeding
Would it be wrong would it be right
If I took my life tonight
Chances are that I might
Mutilation out of sight
And I'm contemplating suicide
Cause I'm losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Nothings's alright, nothing is fine
I'm running and I'm crying
I never realised I was spread too thin
Till it was too late and I was empty within
Hungary, feeding on chaos and living in sin
Downwards spiral, where do I begin
It all started when I lost my mother
No love for myself and no love from another
Searching to find a love upon a higher level
Finding nothing but questions and devils
Cause I'm losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Nothing's alright, nothing is fine
I'm running and I'm crying
I can't go on living this way"

Last Resort
***********

"Cut my life into pieces
I’ve reached my last resort”

Funny isn’t it, how certain songs can be so right. Like they were written for you.

“Suffocation
No Breathing
Don’t give a fuck if I cut my arm
Bleeding”

I worked myself to exhaustion for three long months. Working to get him home. But he didn’t want to come home. Oh no…he wanted to stay on that planet with that bitch Laira.

“Would it be wrong would it be right
If I took my life tonight
Chances are that I might”
I rewrote the laws of physics to get him home and what do I get? A thank you? A well done, Carter? A thanks for saving my butt again? No. I get nothing except him walking away from me and hugging Laira.

“Mutilation out of sight.
And I’m contemplating suicide”

I wish it was me in his arms. But as Daniel once said:

“He’s placed you on a pedestal and the woman of the week is in his arms. You can do anything in his eyes.”

But just for once, just for bloody once, why can’t it be me?

“Cause I’m losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I’m fine
Losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I’m fine”

I watch the clock flick over to 12.01 am. Another sleepless night in a long line of many.

I look over my lab wondering if there is anything to do there. It’s cleaner then it has been in a long time. Nothing to do anywhere.

“I’m running and I’m crying
I never realised I was spread too thin
Till it was too late and I was empty within”

I should go to sleep. Go home and fall into my nice, soft bed. But I know I’ll just dream about him, with her in his arms.

He’s been so distant since we got back. He doesn’t seem to fit in here anymore.

“Hungry, feeding on chaos and living in sin.
Downwards spiral, where do I begin”
I wonder when I started loving this man? I can’t seem to remember. Or maybe it’s just that I don’t know.

“It all started when I lost my mother
No love for myself and no love from another
Searching for a love upon a higher level
Finding nothing but questions and devils”
But why did I have to fall in love with someone I can never be with? I’d call it forbidden love but that just places it in the category of trashy romance novels and it’s nothing like that. We were meant to be, but can’t ever be together forever.

“Cause I’m losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I’m fine
Losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I’m fine”

Why, why, why. The eternal question. The one that almost never gets answered. Our lives are full of why questions.

“Nothings alright, nothing is fine
I’m running and I’m crying
I can’t go on living this way”
“…and that was Papa Roach with ‘Last Resort’ and coming up next we have…”

I glance down at the bottle of sleeping pills Janet gave me. Just in case she said. Sleep. I think I’ve forgotten how to sleep.

My mind wanders again and I find myself contemplating just how many pills it would take to kill me. 5? 10? A quick painless death. That’s what I need. To put me out of my misery.

I slowly open the bottle and count how many pills are inside. 20. That should be enough to ensure a quick death.

I take a deep breath, grab a glass of water and contemplate my options.

**********
Copyright 2000 Becca Ottley

What do you think? Like it?
Think I should stop writing suicide stories? Yeah...so do I :)

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