This story is
written by Eraser. This story is published with permission from Eraser
of 
Story Time: I Want My MUMMY!!!! Part 1
Our tale begins 2,000 years ago, in the far away land of Ancient Egypt....
Under the rule of the Pharoah, the citizens live peacefully. But deep underground in a secret lair, several Mad Egyptian Scientists defy the ancient teachings of the priests to carry out a bizarre experiment!
Mad Egyptian Scientist 1 (standing before a large glass tank filled with green liquid): Hahaha! Yes! Dr. Morbiusnkhtamun, I can feel it! Our fiendish Creation will finally come to life!!
Mad Egyptian Scientist 2: Of course, my dear Dr. Atomicthothep! Soon, we will overthrow the Pharoah and rule all of Egypt!! Hahaha!!!
But then as the final touches are about to be put onto the evil creature lurking within, the heavy stone door to the secret lab bursts open and a horde of the Pharaoh's elite stormtroopers rush in!!
Stormtrooper #1 : Aha! Atomicthothep! Morbiusnkhtamun! We've got you this time! Planning to overthrow the Pharaoh I see, well, you've got a lot of time to think about than on Death Row!!Guards!! Take them away!!
Stormtrooper #2: Come with us, sirs.
Then the two Mad Scientists are dragged away, kicking and screaming. The 1st Stormtrooper stands before the glass tank, peering thoughtfully into the greenish depths. Then suddenly a grotesque face slams against the side of the glass, surprising him.
Stormtrooper #1: By Osiris! What in the world have they done here! Quickly! Summon the High Priests to rid the world of this unnatural creature!!
So two high priests are quickly called from the Great Temple of Amon-Ra. The door opens, and the two black-robed priests sweep in, carrying their ancient books and candles and human skulls.
Stormtrooper #1: We must destroy the evil lurking inside, your religiousnesses! Such a monstrosity can never be allowed on the face of the earth!
High Priest 1: Very well, smash the glass tank. Then slay the foul beast so that we can damn its soul for all eternity!
The other Stormtroopers quickly move in and smash the glass. A flood of green liquid spills out and washes over their feet. Then a withered humanoid form slumps out and crashes to the floor. But slowly, it begins to pull itself up, emitting gurgling sounds!
Stormtrooper #1: Kill it!!
The stormtroopers draw their curved, razor-sharp scimitars and prepare to slice the beast open, but sensing danger, the rotting form quickly draws itself up to its full 7 ft height! With a blood chilling roar, it attacks the stormtroopers wildly! It lashes out with its long, curved claws! Blood splatters the floor and walls as two stormtroopers are ripped to shreds.
Stormtrooper #1: By the Gods! I must slay this evil thing myself! Feel the power of my blade, the Sword of Bast! And Bast is the Cat God! So my sword is the Bastard Sword!! And call me Bastardnkhanen!
High Priests: Go, go, Bastardnkhanen!
Then Bastardnkhanen pulls out a long gleaming sword of pure gold from under his robes and wades towards the evil monster who was waif-thin but still in a killing frenzy. Then his sword meets its claws and they begin to do battle.
Withered Creature (with saliva dripping from its fanged maw): Hhhhrrreearrrrggghhh, I will tear you apart! For I am the Unstoppable Evil Bastard Lim-hotep!!! AH HAH HAH HAH HAH!!!
Bastardnkhanen: You can not live, foul Lim-hotep, becaust I will Kill you where you stand!! YAAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!
Using the full power of the Bastard Sword, Bastardnkhanen plunges his sword into the heart of the cackling Lim-hotep! The bony creature tries to deflect the blade with its blackened, rotting forearms, but the sword goes through them like a knife through butter and embbeds itself through Lim-hotep's evil heart.
Lim-hotep falls to the ground, gurgling and convulsing as he screams his death throes.
Lim-hotep (with his dying breath): I... will be back...
Then he dies.
Bastardnkhanen (standing over the body of the fallen creature): The beast is dead. High Priests, do your stuff.
So the two priests go to work setting up candles and skulls and burning incense. They read from their black book as they chant ancient ritualistic mantras to forever banish Lim-hotep's soul.
High Priest: By the gods, it is done! Lim-hotep will never rest in peace, cursed to wander the lands for eternity.
Bastardnkhanen: Good. Now mummify the body and make sure no one ever finds it.
High Priest: It will be done.
So following that incident, the secret priests' society secretly remove the mummified corpse and carry it far, far away from the sands of Egypt, to a barbaric uncivilized land across the great seas, where they sealed it in an underground tomb, safe from prying eyes. A curse was then put on the tomb to prevent anyone from entering, and a ghastly yellow and orange thong was put on Lim-hotep to seal the curse. For 20 centuries, the tomb lay undisturbed under the sands.
The land was called... Kuala Lumpur.
To be continued...
Story Time: I Want My MUMMY!!!! Part 2
2,000 years have passed since Lim-hotep's rampage of terror and his defeat at the hands of the Stormtrooper Bastardnkhanen. The barbaric uncivilized land across the seas has finally achieved some semblance of civilisation, now known as... KL city. And even as a huge shopping mall is built over the final resting place of Lim-hotep, the cursed tomb itself lies undiscovered.
We join 3 bumbling grave-robbers from the repressed state of nearby Kelantan, ruled by the oppressive PAS.
Bob (Standing in front of an ancient wooden chest which is open): Hey!! Jeff! Terry! Look what I found in this ancient chest left to me by my dead grandfather!!
Jeff: Uh... What is it?
Bob: It's a letter written in some kind of ancient Egyptian language!
Terry: Let me see.
So Bob unrolls the ancient piece of parchment and the 3 of them study the hieroglyphs. But in case you, the reader, do not have the 'Wingdings' font on your PC, then you will be able to read it as it is in English.
To Bob, from your grandfather.
Dear grandson, If you are reading this, that means I am dead. Since you are a grave-robber, I will now tell you of an ancient Egyptian tomb I found out about. Under the great Sunway Pyramid in the center of KL City beyond the mountains lies an underground tomb! Usually tombs have treasures and great wealth buried within, so I don't expect anything different here. But one more thing. It is believed to be cursed!! So enter at your own risk. And you are not supposed to read this like this. Go get the Wingdings font.
Your grandpa.
Bob: What does it say?
Terry: Since we are grave robbers, I have conveniently mastered the art of hieroglyph reading! And I will now translate the letter for you if you, the reader have the 'Wingdings' font.
"To Bob, from your grandfather.
Dear grandson, If you are reading this, that means I am dead. Since you are a grave-robber, I will now tell you of an ancient Egyptian tomb I found out about. Under the great Sunway Pyramid in the center of KL City beyond the mountains lies an underground tomb! Usually tombs have treasures and great wealth buried within, so I don't expect anything different here. But one more thing. It is believed to be cursed!! So enter at your own risk.
Your grandpa."
Bob: Yeah! Let's leave immediately! Then we can amass a fortune and leave our dead end jobs as burger-sellers to move to somewhere more civilized than a PAS-ruled state! Like the Amazon, Antarctica or a swamp for examples!
Jeff: That's a good idea. But what about the curse!
Bob: Ah, to hell with the stupid curse! It's probably a story to keep people away. We're leaving for KL!!
So the 3 grave robbers board the next flight to KL, unaware of the horror awaiting them.
The next day, in KL. Our grave robbers have checked into a hotel, cleaned up, had a good night's sleep and now they have made the long journey to the Sunway Pyramid.
Jeff: My God!! It's huge!! It's more than 100 times bigger than the largest shopping mall in Kelantan, Pak Ali's Grocery Store!
Bob: Yes, yes. Now let's find that tomb.
So they all split up to scour the many floors of the immense structure in search of the hidden tomb opening, but to no avail. They rejoin each other at lunchtime.
Bob: Found anything?
Jeff: No
Terry: No.
Bob: Well, let's go for lunch.
So they all head down to the basement level where the restaurants are located. On the way down, they pass a large ice plain!
Jeff: By the grace of Allah! WTF is that??
Passer-by: It's the ice-skating rink, you idiots. You guys come from Kelantan or something?
Bob: Urm...
Then the shopper quickly walks away, embarrassed to be seen with these people from an uncivilized PAS-ruled state. Bob, Jeff, and Terry are curious, so they walk to the ticket counter, rent some skates and step out onto the ice!
At the same moment, near the indoor balcony on the floor directly above them, an insane terrorist prepares to strike! Geek Siew whips out an assault rifle from inside his underpants, where it had avoided detection and brandishes it menacingly!!
Geek Siew: Harrr!! Feel the terror! For I am about to unleash a barrage of bullets that will undoubtedly injure countless innocent bystanders, including women and children!! All to repay the cruel, cruel world that has done me many an injustice, like mocking my 'moustache hair'! DO NOT MOCK MY MOUSTACHE HAIR!! I AM PROUD OF IT!! HARRR!!!
Then Geek Siew loads his gun while people flee in a mad panicked stampede. A security guard approaches the insane terrorist cautiously.
Geek Siew: What do you want, evil person! Can't you see I am about to go on a killing frenzy? Do you want to be the first to die?
Security Guard: Umm, listen here, sir. I'm sure whatever your big problem is, we can settle it peacefully, instead of waving that gun in here like a madman.
Geek Siew: No! The world must pay for insulting my well-groomed hair! Are you here to insult my hair too?
Security Guard: No, I think your hair is (cough, cough) nice. Will you put that down, please?
Geek Siew: Well, since you know how to appreciate my hair, alright.
Then Geek Siew bends down and drops the gun. But as soon as the gun handle leaves his hand, the security guard rushes forward!
Security Guard (drawing back his arm): I THINK YOUR HAIR STINKS!!
Geek Siew (looking up with a look of horror and disappointment): You.. you lied!!
And then the security guard gives Geek Siew the insane terrorist a mighty punch right in the middle of his nose! Geek Siew goes flying over the balcony, dropping like a stone towards the skating rink below.
Geek Siew (while falling, blood streaming from his crushed nose): I HATE YOU!! I HATE EVERYTHING!! So now I will commit suicide by activating this grenade strapped to me under my underpants! Die, cruel world!!
Below, Bob, Jeff and Terry are slipping all over the place. Suddenly, they hear screaming from above. Everyone else clears the skating rink. They look up to see a falling terrorist with a huge bulge in his underpants!
Bob: Hit the ground!!
They dive simultaneously to the icy floor as Geek Siew crashes to the floor. At the same time, his grenade detonates in a huge explosion of flame! Smoke and falling debris fills the air.
When the smoke and the heat of the blast dies down, the grave-robbers pick themselves up and go to inspect the blast area. Geek Siew has been blown to chunks of bloody meat, leaving a large crater in the middle of the ice floor. Suddenly, Terry notices something in the smoking crater!
Terry: Hey guys! Do you see that? Those are stone steps leading into a subterranean chamber with walls filled with Egyptian hieroglyphs!
Bob: By the gods, you're right!
Terry: And that can only mean one thing! WE FOUND THE ANCIENT TOMB!!
Oh no! The tomb of the horrible creature Lim-hotep has been uncovered! What dangers will our grave-robbers unleash onto the unsuspecting world? The fate of the universe lies in chaos! Only one certainty remains!
This Story Is To Be Continued!!!!!!
Story Time: I Want My MUMMY!!!! Part 3
Our 3 favorite grave-robbers cautiously make their way down the hole in the ice-skating rink, made when the Insane Terrorist Geek Siew blew himself up. And in case you've forgotten, inside the hole lies the Ancient Tomb of Lim-hotep The Evil Creature!
Their feet walk down the dusty, sandy steps. There are ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs on the wall and the heavy stone tomb door is boarded up to keep people out.
Bob: Oh my, we found the tomb! We'll be rich! Terry, what do those hieroglyphs on the wall say?
Terry: Alright, I will now attempt to decipher the writings on the wall, which I can conveniently do. Ahem. They say:
"Greetings peoples! If you can read this, YOU SHOULD NOT BE HERE! Because within this tomb resides the body of a foul creature you do not want to see! And if you decide to go ahead and enter, KNOW THIS: The Curse of the Mummy will befall you! And you will die!!"
Jeff: Oh, I think we should leave.
Bob: Nonsense! This 'curse' is probably bullshit so that people won't enter and steal the treasure within! Egyptians are known for these kinds of tricks. Help me get these boards off.
So the three quickly pull the boards nailed to the door off. Oh no!
Bob (pulling the last board off): There goes the last one.
They pull at the door and it slowly creaks open. And then they light their torches and enter the dark cobweb-filled tomb!
Meanwhile, the Ancient Curse is Activated! Deep within the dark tomb, there is a rustling from the sarcophagus and it slowly creaks open! And then a dark, evil figure slips out.... OH NO!!
Bob (shining a torch around the chamber): Hey guys, I don't see any treasure, do you?
Jeff: No.
Terry: No.
Bob: Well then, let's go further into the tomb to search.
Then they walk down the dark dusty hallway. Suddenly, there is a muffled thump.
Bob: What's that? Did you hear that?
But no answer comes back!
Bob (wildly swinging his torch around the room): Uh.. guys? Don't kid around here! Hey!
Suddenly, a face is illuminated in the beam from the torch!
Bob: ARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
And then blood sprays across the walls and Bob is never heard from again, just like his 2 other friends.
Lim-hotep: I LIVE!! AH AH AH AHH AHH!!!!!! And now to begin my reign of terror!!!
Outside, emergency service personnel and police have gathered around the blast area on the ice rink.
Eyewitness (telling his story to the police): ...And then, I saw 3 people walking into the hole... Hey, there's someone climbing out now!
Policeman 1: Oh my god!!! What the hell is THAT!!!???
He pulls out his gun, but before he can do anything, Lim-hotep leaps toward the policeman and RIPS his head off with his Mutant Egyptian Kungfu!
Then all the other policemen start shooting but Lim-hotep, imbued by the POWER OF THE UNDEAD dodges all the bullets like in the Matrix and kills all the policemen!
Lim-hotep: Bwahahahaha!!!! I ROOLE!! Gooooohooooohooood one lah! And now I shall Spread TERROR across the world, starting with this shopping mall!!
Then the foul creature Lim-hotep raises his hands and summons forth an army of Secret Agent Zombie Whores from the tomb! They all have evil-sounding code names like Triple-Y and Tube-Top. They quickly rampage through the many levels of the Sunway Pyramid, slaughtering innocent shoppers. The mall security are helpless to stop the Zombie Whores as they all have arcane powers of seduction and use them to defeat the guards by making out in the toilet and then ripping their throats out. Then they continue their rampage.
Meanwhile, in the rest of the world...
Dr. Mahathir (addressing the UN): We have a crisis! As you gentlemen ... and Mr. Bush... know, Evil Secret Agent Zombie Whores have hijacked 4 planes and crashed 3 of them into our Petronas Twin Towers, Parliament house and Midvalley Megamall! The other plane crashed into a duck pond because MAS forgot to refuel it! And now our country is in chaos!
George W. Bush: Nuke the bastards!
Dr. Mahathir: No, no we will not do that. Violence is not a permanent solution.
Bush: Yes, it is!
Dr. Mahathir: We will let the International Court of Justice handle this!
UN Leaders: No, we're not handling an Insane Mummy!
Dr. Mahathir: Then we shall negotiate with these Zombies. We will never resort to violence.
Dr. Mahathir calls Lim-hotep in the Sunway Pyramid.
Dr. Mahathir: Hello, Mr. -hotep? We would like to negotiate with you to end your extremist activities. We are prepared to offer you safe passage out of the country, political immunity, and-
Lim-hotep: F**k You you idiot buggers!! For I am the EVIL MUMMY Lim-hotep, whose mission is to destroy the world!! And you will all tremble in terror at my name!! AH AH AH AHH AHH!!!
Then the line is cut off.
Bush: This is hopeless. Cheney! We must take extreme measures! Mobilize our TOP SECRET COVERT INFILTRATION TEAM!!!! We will strike at this evil Mummy in his own base!
Dick Cheney: Our team is already in position, sir.
Bush: Heh heh heh. Very good.
And far away, Lim-hotep sits atop his throne in his massive fortress, the Sunway Pyramid. Little does he know that his Global Reign of Terror is about to be swiftly cut short!
To be continued
Story Time: I Want My MUMMY!!!! Part 4
The world lies in chaos! Lim-hotep the Evil Cursed Bastard Mummy has risen from his grave to unleash his legions of Secret Agent Zombie Whores to wreak Death and Destruction onto the lands. But the free peoples of the world have one last hope...
High above the sands of the land, Lim-hotep sits upon his Throne in his inner sanctum at the very top of his foul domain, the Sunway Pyramid.
Lim-hotep: AH AH AH AHH AHH!!! Zombie Whore Bodyguards!!! Are our Secret Agent Zombie Whores spreading terror across the land, like I ordered?
Zombie Whore: Yes, my Lord.
Lim-hotep: Good! AH AH AHH!! Soon, the world will tremble at the sound of my name!! AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH!!!
But shortly before that, in the shopping mall far below....
A band was playing at a live gig when the initial wave of Zombie Whores swept through the building.
Presenting... Captain Faggard and the Retards!!! But this is no ordinary band! In fact these 4 ordinary looking people are actually the US' TOP SECRET COVERT INFILTRATION TEAM!!! And their inconspicuous looking instruments are actually High-Tech Weapons of Annihilation!
So they were performing their world-famous songs when the green rotting Zombie Whores showed up and started trashing their audience.
Capt. Faggard (1st on the left): God damn it! Those ugly b**ches are killing our fans! Let's use our weapons of annihilation to vaporize them!
Neo (drums, 2nd from the left): No, we'd better not blow our cover as a TOP SECRET COVERT INFILTRATION TEAM.
Rancour (who is sitting, even though he isn't even playing bass, 2nd from the right): Ahh! Here they come!
Then the Zombie Whores rush up the stage stairs. Capt. Faggard and his Retards quickly disappear backstage, grabbing their instruments/weapons of annihilation and slamming the stage door shut behind them.
Faggard: Oh no! What is going on! Why does my Gay Radar tell me that the world is in a hell of a mess?
BKkum(1st on the right): Hey, your Presidential Emergency phone line is ringing.
Faggard: Ah yes, let me get that. (He answers his phone.) Hello? Dick Cheney? Yes, were are having some trouble with Zombie Wh... What? Controlled by a mummy called Lim-hotep in the Sunway Pyramid? Yes, sir. Right away, sir. Yes, I know the world is depending on us. Ok, bye.
Rancour: Ahh!
Faggard: You heardd the man. Now, lets get to work.
So they all sneak through the chaotic shopping mall, evading the legions of murderous Zombie Whores. They head upstairs to find a secluded place where they can prepare attack plans. Finally they find a janitor's closet. After dispatching of a Zombie Whore standing guard, they sneak in and lock the door behind them.
Rancour: Boy, it's dark in here.
Faggard (puling out his torch): This should help. Ok. Anyway, our surveillance indicates that the Evil Bastard Mummy is controlling his worldwide terrorist organization of Secret Agent Zombie Whores from his inner sanctum at the top of the Pyramid. We should strike at the head of the snake!
Neo: Good idea.
Faggard: Yeap. Anyway, we need a plan to enter the Inner Sanctum! And here's the plan!
Then they all huddle around as they whisper their secret plan.
Knock, knock, there comes some knocks on the Throne Room door.
Lim-hotep: I didn't call for room service! Zombie Whore! Go see who's at the door!
Zombie Whore (peering through the peephole on the door): Who is it?
Rancour (in disguise): Uh... room service!
Zombie Whore: We didn't call for room service!
Rancour: Um.. yes, you did!
Zombie Whore: Oh. In that case, come in.
Then the dumb Zombie Whore opens the door to let Rancour in disguise in. All at once, a barrage of people dressed as service personnel charge in!!
Have the TOP SECRET COVERT INFILTRATION TEAM begun their carefully orchestrated assault? Not yet! Because these are really service personnel! They quickly get to work dusting the pillars and vacuuming the floor while Rancour prepares for the next stage, sending a coded telegraph message.
Lim-hotep: I SAID I DIDN"T CALL FOR ROOM SERVICE!! Dispose of them!
Then the Zombie Whores all screech and start killing the cleaners, who all start dying.
But as the Zombie Whores are distracted, Rancour leaps into action! As the Zombie Whore heads into the center of the bulls-eye carpet like you can see above, Rancour flips a switch on a remote control and a piano falls from the ceiling, squashing all the Zombie Whores!
And then the wall explodes and the rest of the TOP SECRET COVERT INFILTRATION TEAM enters!
Faggard, Neo, Rancour and BKkum: Die, Lim-hotep!
Lim-hotep leaps to his feet, shocked at the lightning raid.
Lim-hotep: Bwahahahaha! You dare to attack me, Lim-hotep, ancient Evil Bastard Mummy? Witness my Arcane Powers!!
Then Lim-hotep rips off his long brown robe to unleash his Arcane Attack!!
Everyone: AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
The entire TOP SECRET COVERT INFILTRATION TEAM can not stand the agony of seeing the Unholy Thong and crumble to the floor, shielding their eyes.
Lim-hotep: Die, you Idiot Buggers!! AH AH AH AHH AHH!!!
Faggard: No... must not die... must use my.. Gay Abilities... to... FAGGOTIZE everyone so that they will be AROUSED by the Thong and also become immune to it's effects!! ARRRGGGHHH!!!
And then Captain Faggard gets out his keyboard and plays the Gay Anthem!!
Rancour, Neo and BKkum: What's happening to us?? Why does the sight of the Thong make us so excited?
Faggard: Quickly, ignore your emotions and attack Lim-hotep!!
And then they all leap to their feet and pull out their hidden Weapons of Annihilation!!
Lim-hotep (leaping forward to rip them apart with his claws): HARRRR!!!!!
The Weapons of Annihilation: Boom! Boom! Brapraprapraprapppp!!!!! Kaboom!!
And then the countless bullets, shells and nuclear-tipped missiles smash into Lim-hotep's undead body! Even the ancient spells of the Egyptians cannot stand against the miracle of modern warfare technology.
Lim-hotep (as his body begins to disintegrate): F**kkk you......
Then the puny carcass of the vanquished Evil Bastard Mummy Lim-hotep turns into dust, never to terrorize the world again. At the same time, the millions of his Zombie Whores around the world give a final pitiful wail and die. The citizens of the world rejoice in a huge celebration!
Faggard: The danger has passed. Our job is done.
Neo: But Captain Faggard, we're still gay!
Faggard (preparing his Gay Keyboard again): I'll soon take care of that!.... Oh shit.
Rancour: What?
Faggard: My keyboard microprocessor melted in the intense attack earlier! I'm sorry, you'll be gay forever!
All: AAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!
Faggard: Don't worry, it's not as bad as you might think.
And they all lived happily ever after.
