CHAPTER ONE: "Where's the Owner's Manual for This Kid?"

A child is born. The child is ours. We look carefully at this newborn. We turn it over. We hold it up to the light. We search through the blankets. No matter how thoroughly we probe, there just doesn't seem to be an owner's manual. What do we do now?

We want the very best for this child. What is the 'very best?' There isn't a parent alive who doesn't want their children to turn out to be motivated, responsible, and productive. What can we do, as parents, to ensure that our children end up this way? The answer to this question, fortunately, is nothing. Nothing in life is sure. There is no way to ensure success in anything. However, parents can 'play the odds!' Playing the odds means starting very early to raise children in a way that will most likely lead them to become responsible and thoughtful adults.

When a child is born, parents show their love by protecting the infant. Every problem the infant experiences is the parents' problem. If parents do not concern themselves with protecting the infant, the infant will die.

However, through a short eleven or twelve years of life, by the time junior high school arrives, parents must have made a transition. In fact, by the time a child reaches high school, if love is shown primarily by protection, the child may die. If parents of a junior high or high school student concern themselves with all of the child's problems (how the child dresses, how much TV the child watches, wether or not homework is completed, whether or not teeth are brushed, whether or not the child has the correct number of friends, etc.) then the child is at risk.

Preparing Kids for the Real World When we refer to a child "at risk," we are referring to a child who is not capable of functioning in the "real world." Preparing children for the real world is the biggest job parents face. This is what Parenting With Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility is all about-getting our children ready to leave home at the age eighteen, knowing they're not at risk. We want them to look at the real world and say: "I recognize this world! We practiced for it at home!"

What Do You Mean This Kid is Going to Turn Out Just Like Me?

I did an eighteen-year internship on how to be a parent. I think we all did the same internship. During that time, I had a mission, and I think that mission was the same as every mission that every kid ever had in his or her lifetime. That mission was to learn how to be big. I had two alternatives on how I could do it. One, I could listen to the adults tell me how to act big, or two, I could study and imitate and copy the adults around me and learn to be big that way.

So, which way do children really learn? Do they learn by being told, or do they learn by being shown? Ask yourself. When was the last time you told your child how to act big? How did it work? You probably know that it doesn't work. Kids don't spend much time listening to how to be big. They imitate. They copy.

There's another way for us to find out how our children learn, and that is to look at ourselves. I ask myself, how do I act when I'm stressed, strained, running on automatic and my kids act up? I open my mouth to say something really sophisticated, and what comes out? My dad!

Yes, the very same things he used to say that I hated him for. But that's just who i sounded like-same words, same voice inflection, same hand gestures, everything. I said I would never be like my dad. I hated him when he said those same things to me.

So, why did I say that? Well, I was so busy learning how to be big when I was little, and I studied so intently that I got locked into my dad's ways at an early age.

I have to tell you that I taught for fourteen years in Denver Public Schools. I stood before fourteen different classrooms, but I did not teach them. Those children were taught by my teachers a generation ago. Every time I opened my mouth, out they came.

I also have to tell you that I raised three children> I think I actually had something to do with one of them, but I know for a fact that my dad raised the other two, because everytime I opened my mouth, out he came.

FOUR STEPS TO RESPONSIBILITY

STEP ONE:

Give the child a task he/she can handle.
-For the best results, have the child describe, in his/her own words, how things will look when the task is finished.

STEP TWO:

Hope that the child "blows" it.
-This provides opportunities for the child to have a 'real world' learning experience.
-This reduces the temptation for reminders.
-If the child can have a learning lesson today, it will be the most inexpensive lesson possible.
The cost of learning about the real world goes up as time goes on.

STEP THREE:

Let equeal parts of empathy, BEFORE delivering the consequence or the 'bad news.'
-Children need to learn that their mistakes hurt them. This does not happen when the adult gets angry.
-Empathy or sorrow reduces the chance that the child will spend time thinking about the adult's anger.
-The child's attention should be on his/her own life and decisions, instead of upon the adult's anger.

STEP FOUR:

Give the same task again.
-This sends the unstated message that people learn from their mistakes.

LOVE AND LOGIC PARENTING PEARL
-Values: Passing Them on to Your Kids

Every day it seems there's another story of the decline in values in our youth in the United States. Drugs are a scourge on the land, available even in remote rural schools. Teenage pregnancy is skyrocketing. In many schools, teachers are more police officers than they are instructors. A troubling materialism rears its ugly head even among elementary school students. In our society, proper moral values seem to be taking a pretty good licking.

As parents, this disturbing trend brings the cold sweat of responsibility to our furrowed brows. "I want my children to have responsible moral values," we say. "But, how do I teach them those values?"

A great wave of change has swept over our society in the past forty years. The 'human rights' revolution has spread even to our children. Parents cannot make their kids think like they do simply by telling them. "You'll do it or else." Demands and threats may yield short-term results, but they don't mold our kids' minds. They don't persuade them that we're right.

In a real sense, parenting is the transmitting of our values to our kids. We want them to respect others; we want them to know the value of hard work; we want a moral and ethical lifestyle to be as important to them as it is to us.

There's bad news and good news in this question of transmitting values, however. The bad news is, we can't stroll down the wide and easy road of lecturing our kids on the topic. It might have worked for our parents, but the odds of success have radically tipped the other way. The good news, though, is that it is still possible to pass on our values to our kids. But, it's going to take some effort-and thought.

Values are passed on to children in two ways: by what our kids see, and by what they experience in relating to us. When our kids see us being honest, they learn about honesty. When we talk to our kids with love and respect, they learn to talk that way to others.

We can accelerate our modeling effectiveness by engaging in 'eavesdrop value settings.' That means that Mom and Dad talk to each other about their values, but within ear shot of the kids. If we want our children to learn about honesty, for example, we allow them to overhear us reporting on our genuine acts of honesty. "You know, sweetie," we might say to our spouse, "something interesting happened to me today. At the store I gave the clerk a five-dollar bill for a can of popl and she gave me $14.50 in change. So, I gave her back the ten. I could have said nothing and been $10 richer, but I feel so much better being honest-doing what's right."

Or, if our peers relate some off-color and demeaning stories at work, we may say to our spouse, when our kids can overhear us, "The guys at the office were telling dirty stories today in the lunchroom, but I excused myself and ate lunch at my desk. It always bothers me to hear stories like that, and I feel bad if I stick around just so the others think I'm part of the gang. I feel much better for thinking for myself, and walking away."

Kids soak up what they hear when we speak to others. It's great when what they soak up is good. But, be advised, they're sponges for the bad, too.

Our improper words and actions hit them with the same force. If we have nothing but ridicule for our bosses and co-workers, our kids learn that ridicule and sarcasm are an acceptable way to talk. If we cheat at board games, or when we play sports with our young children, then we shouldn't wring our hands and cry, "Why?" when they get nailed for cheating at school. If our idea of a good time is a La-Z-Boy recliner, a six-pack of brew, and an NFL doubleheader, our kids will get the message that that's the way grown-ups have fun. All of our wise words to the contrary won't blunt that point.

The other way we influence our kids' values is in the way we treat them. A corollary to the Golden Rule applies here: Kids will do to others as their parents do to them.

Treating our kids with respect, teaches them to go and do likewise. Being fair with our kids, makes them want to be fair to their friends and teachers.

Kids have minds of their own. They want to exert their independence and do their own thinking. They shuck off the things that are forced onto them and embrace the things they want to believe. If we want to pass our values down to them, we must present those values in a way that our kids can accept-in our actions and words. Kids' values come from what they see and hear-and also overhear. They don't accept that we try to drive into their heads with lecturing.