Performance Standards for Missionaries

Mission President

1. Leaps tall buildings in a single bound

2. Is more powerful than a locomotive

3. Is faster than a speeding bullet

4. Walks on water

5. Talks with God

 

Assistant to the President

1. Leaps short buildings in a single bound

2. Is more powerful than a switch engine

3. Just as fast as a speeding bullet

4. Walks on water when sea is calm

5. Talks with God on special request

 

Zone Leader

1. Leaps short buildings with a running start and a favorable wind

2. Almost as powerful as a switch engine

3. Faster than a speeding bb

4. Walks on water on an indoor swimming pool

5. Occasionally addressed by God

 

District Leader

1. Barely clears a hut

2. Loses a tug-of-war with a switch engine

3. Can fire a speeding bullet

4. Swims well

5. Receives inspiration

 

Senior Companion

1. Makes high marks on the walls while trying to leap a tall building

2. Is run over by a switch engine

3. Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury

4. Treads water

5. Prays a lot

 

Junior Companion

1. Climbs walls

2. Continually rides the rails

3. Plays Russian roulette

4. Walks on ice

5. Talks to animals

 

Greenie

1. Runs into buildings

2. Recognizes locomotives 2 out of 3 times

3. Not issued ammunition

4. Can stay afloat with a life jacket

5. Talks to walls

 

MTC Missionary

1. Falls over the doorstep while trying to enter tall building

2. Says, "Look at the choo-choo!"

3. Wets himself with a water pistol

4. Plays in mud puddles

5. Mumbles to himself

 

Returned Missionary

1. Lifts buildings and walks under them

2. Kicks locomotives off the tracks

3. Catches speeding bullets with his teeth and eats them

4. Freezes water with a single glance

5. Thinks he is God

 

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