MAY 3 EDITORIAL - SEAN TURNBULL
KoRn shut out of Lame-Assed
People’s Choice Awards for first time since 1997.
( Palm Springs ) - Shock ripped through the crowd last Tuesday as the Lamest Band for 2001 was announced; not so much because of the name read, but more because of the name that wasn’t.
For the first time since their 1998 release Follow the Leader mall-rockers KoRn were completely shut out of the Lame-Assed People’s Choice Awards. The Awards, voted on by very lame people across North America, are given to those that excel in making very insipid, useless music. For the first time in 4 years, KoRn was ignored in all categories including the one for which they are most known, The Lamest Band Award. 31 year old KoRn front man Jonathan Davis had these stirring words after the snub: “BOOM BAP A DOOM BA DIDDA!”. Guitarist Brain “Head” Welch added: “As a band we are really disappointed. This award was voted on the lamest people out there, and we really feel that is our core fan base. I’m so disillusioned right now.”
The colossal upset came at the hands of a relative unknown in North America, Andrew W.K. Mr. W. K., known for his nonsensical lyrics and uninteresting music, is well liked by lamers in Europe and has been wowing the musically-inept across the seas for a number of years. However, no one expected him to break onto the North American scene with such unabashed horribleness. W.K. is also a classically trained pianist, which put him in the running for another award, Lamest Waste of Talent. Unfortunately for the upstart “rocker” he couldn’t dislodge the two perennial favorites in the category; Primus and Mariah Carey. Ms. Carey took home the award mainly because of her wasted 8-octaves of range. Nevertheless Andrew W.K. did pick up a second award earlier in the night for Best New Lame-Ass. He beat out newcomers Hoobustank, Default, and The Calling for that particular honor. Andrew expressed his joy by smashing the award against his head several times before screaming “PARTY” and passing out.
But the real buzz of the night was the disappointment for the shame of Bakersfield California, KoRn. One member of the band, James “Munky” Shaffer, was seen on the verge of tears after the ceremony. All the same the night wasn’t a complete waste for KoRn and their legions of obtuse fans; KoRn was awarded a Lifetime Lameness Award. The honor was bestowed upon them for spawning countless amounts of horrid, colorless music across the world. Bands like Limp-Bizkit, Disturbed, and Stained would have never surfaced if idiots everywhere had not approved of the musical-diarrhea KoRn cobbled together way back in 1998. Also, KoRn feels no ill-will towards their new competitor for lameness. Reginald “Fieldy” Arvizu, the bands bassist, said that Andrew W.K. was “just a plain out lame guy … who’s predictable music is really mediocre. Maybe we could learn a thing or two from him.” Lamers everywhere will decided if KoRn learns their lesson at next years awards where KoRn promises to reclaim their glory by producing a year’s worth of “pointless, mundane, faux-angry music and bland, dime-a-dozen videos to accompany it.”
A dejected “Head” ponders the future for his unimaginative band
Exuberant Andrew W. K. recovers from award ceremony, overly hard partying