JULY 31, 2005
i think its starting to dissipate..i have mixed emotions about it, part of me is still there, but the better part of me is wanting to let go. its not the fact that i don't see him as someone that could be, or the fact that i might not ever see him again, but the fact that i'm kinda tired of trying. it seems like he gives more effort towards others. i get so mad at myself because the moment i want to stop, i find myself hanging on to him even tighter everytime he comes back. and i keep telling myself that.. girrrrl you gots to let go of this fool, but man, its hard! little by little i am, because i can just tell that he's just talk like the rest. i don't know..i guess just because i hang onto biblical truths, because that's just my faith.. and i totally don't agree w/ being the "one to wear the pants" in the relationship. the other half should be chivalrous, the one to take the initiative, the one to sweep YOU off YOUR feet. not the girl always trying to meet the other one more halfway. i feel like i'm bothering him? but then i always feel like i'm bothering everyone haha.i don't know..i just feel like i want to stop trying to make the effort, but then that would be messed up, because that would be saying goodbye to one of the best friendships that i've ever had. the line between attraction and friendship is definitely a fine one, sometimes, its practically blurred. its hard to decide. but yeah, i'm kinda sick of wondering why he doesn't call me, or try to keep in touch anymore, or make an effort, for once. he doesn't even know how much i care for him, and i don't think he ever will.. but if God has a plan, and we somehow meet again, i know all the old feelings would just come rushing back.. [if they were to be gone by then, that is]. basically, i just feel like.. this homie just doesn't feel for me the way he used to.. and really, i don't blame him, i sure do get annoying sometimes. aww man, i realized that i'm really clingy! and eww, i find that so disgusting! YACKERS! haha. i always criticized those girlfriends who would be so clingy to their boyfriends, but then i realized that's meeeeeeee!! and now i know how they feel, cuz when you find someone you're really on the same level with, you tend to want to spend a lot of time with them. but then i feel like its just me, that's trying.. and he's just watching me make a fool of myself. haha... well that's how i see it. kai was telling me one time about her opinion that like.. if a guy REALLY wants you, he's going to fight for you.. yes, he will guard your heart, but he wouldn't let you slip away just like "that.." and the way i see it, he's never fought for me once. its just like.. okay, you're there, that's nice.. type of thing? i feel like i like him more than he likes me.. and that is NEVER good. i don't want it to be like that. but yeah.. whew... i already tried doing this a couple months ago, and i couldn't.. but i guess i'm gonna try to let go again because its not up to me to try anymore, and i'm giving up on fighting for "something more.." because homeboy doesn't seem like he feels the same way =/ well.. not something more at this time in my life.. but maybe in the future, whatever time God has planned for me. haha i've had a lot of heartaches this month but its okaie dokaie because God's love covers & heals all<3
YSTEPH
JULY 25, 2005
GEE WILLIES! its been more than a year. well old blog, i am back. i found this off of katzy's xanga.i guess some girl wrote it..called "tribute to nice girls." :] its about time.. my, oh my, how i feel like i can relate..
This is a tribute to the nice girls. The nice girls made of sugar and spice, who always get overlooked, and who sit and endure endless ranting about the psycho-b--- stalker sluts boys are wasting their time with, all the while embodying an angelic, classy exterior that is underrated. This is dedicated to the girls who pick up the phone at 2 a.m. to talk to their belligerently drunk guy friends and listen to them for hours about nonsense because they dont feel like going to sleep. This is in honor of the girls who reiterate how lucky any girl would be to have a certain guy, and then tell him 50 different ways to impress the girl of his dreams who is too stupid and stuck up to notice him in the first place. This is in honor of the girls who pump up a mans ego because she knows how delicate it is, and once it gets bruised, she tells him how sexy/smart/funny he is so that his confidence (and head) is as inflated as it was before some dumb b---- ripped his heart out and put it in a blender. This is for the girls with the big hearts, who aren't afraid to be silly, who lay it on the line, and who can go with the flow. This is for the girls who truly believe there is more to guys than sex and sports, but still put up with the sexist jokes and watch ESPN Sports Center without complaint.
This is for all the girls who have been told, âre the type of girl guys "want to marry," and who spend their Friday nights alone (or with other nice girls) because they dont put out on the first date. This is for the girls who possess all of the qualities of a kick-a** girlfriend, but never get the time of day. This is for all of the girls who are unappreciated, but still unselfishly give their time and effort, go to great lengths to please others, and continue to genuinely care about other peoples feelings (even if they are a-----holes). This is for the ladies who are called prude because they would rather spoon than lick balls. For all the girls who are cast to the side, sit out the slow dances, and confidently go stag to social events, this is for YOU.
Nice girls dont get the attention they deserve. We like sports, we like to get rough and dirty. We dont expect anything fancy, I mean you can save that $40 you spent taking some girl out to dinner who is going to lead you on and rip your heart out and use it to rent a video and spend time with us. Many guys claim they want a girl they can take home to Mom, but when faced with such a lucky find, they say absurd, illogical things such as Oh, shes out of my league,The timing is off, or she's not my type. Furthermore, they comment on the lack of women who possess the full-package, but little did they know, these women are available but they are too blind to see it. One thing is for sure, this does not last forever. Eventually boys will get tired of these type of girls, and thats when they will be begging for nice girls. The hardest part is sorting out the loser guys.
So until these men realize what they are missing, until they actually grow big enough balls to go for the nice girls, until they are ready to get more from a relationship than blow jobs and booty calls, and until they have the intelligence to give us exactly what we need, I propose a toast to all the nice ladies. You know who you are, and I know you are sick of hearing you have to be patient and keep waiting until whats meant to happen will happen. But the truth is, the world needs your long comforting talks, your insightful suggestions, and your pleasantly optimistic perspective. For all the crazy, immature, ill-witted things you fathom, for all the situations where your infallible performance is unacknowledged, and for the endless nights you spend trying to improve someone elses life instead of your own, my gratitude and appreciation go out to you. You do have infinite, priceless, goddess qualities and our sovereignty and absolution is coming...TRUST ME!
nice, isn't it? that's EXACTLY what i would say.. but revised a little bit.. haha this girl is kinda hardcore! but she is so right. if i could relate my life to any high school movie..i would say that i am "laney boggs" from "she's all that.." except w/o the happy ending. just ends at the part where freddie leaves her feeling retarded & worthless. the end :]
YSTEPH
FEBRUARY 9, 2004
DEEEEEE. i haven't updated this jenk in a minute. I have the snifflitus/phlemingitis/sneezies :[ def. not good! cuz everytime i get a cold, a fever usually follows.. and ring dance is in 2 days.. DUN DUN DUN! i'll be accompanying MR. JEFF SORIANO ;P all the girls are gonna look f-a-b-o-l-o-u-s. yeah, so i know i talk about prom a lot, but I def. don't have a date again =/ mr. matt just wants to go to one.. which will prolly be his ring dance.. if i'm still going w/ him that is. aww.. but yeah..hopefully i'll find someone who can dance, is hott, outoing, and taller than me by may :] that's all, peace out foo.
YSTEPH
DECEMBER 5, 2004
*SEVENTEEN! i'm 17 now y`all. haha. yupparoonies.. yesterday was my birthday ;] it was a good time to reflect on the past year, and all that God has blessed me with..but.. quite frankly, my 16th year was so rough! haha freal freal.. that was the year with the most trials i believe. so i'm glad that its over. As I embark on a beautiful new year, God give me the strength to stay true to you, even in the midst of a thousand temptations. Once again, I surrender my life to you, as I always do--i lay it down at your feet, Lord. Thank you for blessing me with another year.. another year to deepen my relationship with you. I LOVE YOU<3.
guess what, friend? my mommie said she's gonna get me a guitar!!!!!!!!!! yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahaha i'm gonna playin` that jenk all the day long, then imma jam w/ them boys who think they alll that just cuz they play guitar. haha JUST PLAYIN`. i'm coming home to cali in 16 days, and I am so excited ;] peace out, playahz.
YSTEPH
NOVEMBER 7, 2004
YAYERS! my birfday is coming up. i can feel it! i can smelll it. haha.. and along with the beautiful month of December is also the joyous holiday of Christmas. Whew, im totally forgetting about thanksgiving. I have so much to be thankful for this year. God really has been faithful. Always was, always will be. *HMPH. days are looking up, but, i did find something out yesterday, i was so bummed. I've never been so disappointed in anyone that much before. Kind of sucks though, because I can't even talk to this person about it, because they totally lied to my face. So i'll just pretend that I'm clueless *smiles. Going to greeen grass's house today to record. Prayerfully, everything goes well. Me & my aunt are getting along so well. I love it =) *YOIKES i hope i get a guitar for my birthday! ((and some colored contacts too.. hahah.. )) man, im so greedy! haha.. but. yeah, i def. need the contacts because my eyes suck, and i wanna learn geetar. maybe someone can teach me? haha ;] the lookout for mr. prom date is still unfortunate. i have a few .. *okay, maybe just two.. haha.. candidates in mind, but.. i don't think they'd want to go with me, anyway. haha. hmm.. maybe I can get one of those inflatable dolls or maybe i can just go with my brother... ....... ....... haha.. nevermind, i take it back. shoot, if worse comes to worse, i'll just go stag.. *NOT! hah. this blog is totally pointless. and mom, if you're reading this.. HELLO! I MISS YOU! yes everyone, my mom is nosy and loves going to my pointless websites. will anyone even read this? haha.. well, if you are reading this.. have a great day =) you're awesome.. you person.
P.S: MY BESTEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD EVER sent me some snail mail! wooh! i was so excited & happy =) i miss her sooo much ... kai, if you're reading this, i love you too! haha.
YSTEPH
NOVEMBER 7, 2004
Thank you FATHER. for giving me hope..
YSTEPH
0CTOBER 30, 2004
money is getting hard to come by, and.. i know that my mom is going through some financial stuff right now. .. senior year is the most expensive, and.. i guess i thought that my family would be going all out for me and my bro. .. i don't know.=/ i guess its just hard, to always be broke, and.. always have to ask my mom for money, and.. everyone else gets everything so easily, they're so rich, and yet, they complain, and are so spoiled. .. my mom got mad at me because my phone bill broke a hundred.. and..its not even my fault, i thought that my free minutes started at 8. but whatever. its more than that, one of those sad phases i can't really explain.. but.. i'm alright. I wish that I could just vent everything on here.. but, I can't even do that. because some stuff is too personal.. too private. too confidential. whenever i tell someone what's up w/ me.. they don't even sympathize.. seems like they think less of me because my problems are so "petty.".. but its only because I can't say everything---the other stuff that's been up. I guess its just all been adding up.. but.. I can't even let everything out. .... through all this though.. God just keeps reminding me that he will never forsake me;; ever. I know that I have a purpose here, and God wouldn't just throw me into the "open wild" w/o sticking with me. It helps to know, that he's feeling my pain even worse than I am. And "suffering" is helping me to catch a tiny sliver of the things that Jesus felt.. when he had to go through h ard times. .. Lord, it seems like.. all the plans that we have made are now failing--shows that, no matter how much we work, we'll never get anywhere w/o you. And that everything will go according to YOUR will, not ours... please pray, whoever reads this..
YSTEPH
0CTOBER 16, 2004
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