4.
My breath catches in my throat as I read and re-read the last few lines. Was this the great secret? – that my grandfather had had an affair whilst he was in the army?
Digging around in my bag I fish out the photo. Now I knew the full extent of the relationship between the figures – and it was a lot more than mere comrades in arms – by looking closer I could clearly see it. It’s so easy when you knew what to look for.
The sheer happiness in their eyes, even though they were meant to be in the middle of a bloody and by all accounts viscous, war. The way the blond man’s fingers weren’t just flung round the dark haired man’s shoulders. There, imperceptible to the unsuspecting eye, was his thumb resting lightly on his lover’s neck, caressing it maybe? The way one of the other man’s hands rested gently on the blond’s waist, such a light touch, so innocence in it’s outward appearance.
So Grandpa had had an affair – big deal. I had heard of such things happening in times of combat. Many miles from home, intense stress and all that. As far as I could tell he wouldn’t have been married to my grandmother at the time. I knew my mother’s family were traditionalists but was this really a reason to ostracise the man and cut him off from my life?
The answers were in his diaries, of this I was convinced and turning the page I continued to read.
05/10/06
I can’t believe all this is real. It’s almost too much to bear. It’s also put us both in an incredibly difficult position. I am unable to transfer to another unit and for him to do so soon after arriving here would arouse undue suspicion.
Patrols are becoming harder and harder, we are beginning to worry more about each other then the safety of the men round us. Bad enough for me; disastrous for him. He’s meant to be in command for fuck’s sake.
We continue to meet in secret, snatching odd moments of privacy here and there; not easy in a combat situation. We both know the risks that we are running – relationships are strictly prohibited, a relationship between an enlisted man (even an enforced one) and an officer are unheard of. If we are caught it will be court martials all around. Prison for me and an dishonourable discharge for him. But we both stopped asking the other if they wanted to stop a long time ago. Neither of us could stop this now even if we wanted to.
* Flashback *
Late evening. A lone figure slouched up against one corner of a building. Another approached.
‘Good evening.’
‘Good evening Sir.’
A glowing cigarette butt was flicked away.
‘Walk with me.’
‘Yes sir.’
The two shadowed figures walked until they reached a secluded corner of the supply compound, looking to all intents and purposes as if they were discussing tactics and were going to check out some necessary piece of equipment.
As soon as they were out of the sight of any possible prying eyes, the pretence dropped.
‘I’ve missed you.’ Words breathed lowly as they fell into each other’s arms. Mouths locked in a desperate embrace.
‘I’ve been right beside you all day.’
‘You’ve been there but I haven’t been with you. It’s like we are living these parallel lives.’
‘Well I’m here with you now.’ Hands crept up inside T’s.
‘So you are sir.’
‘You can’t keep calling me sir you know – not when we’re together. Call me by my name.’
So he did and the lieutenant thought it was the sweetest sound he had ever heard. Uttered softly, barely more than a whisper, yet infused with so much love and longing.
His lover repeated it over and over as if getting used to the feel of it on his tongue.
‘Enough already.’ The lieutenant sighed, his fingers on the belt buckle of the other. ‘How about we find out what that sounds like when you come?’
06/24/06
Things have quietened down a bit now, there is supposed to be a cease-fire in operation but for how long is anyone’s guess. At least it means that the restrictions on leave have been lifted and guess what I’ve finally been granted some. Somehow D has managed to wangle some at the same time. What nobody knows is that he isn’t really going to spend it on Beta Five. Instead he will swap shuttles there and then join me on Alpha Three. I can’t believe it, we are going to have five whole days together. We will still have to be careful but five whole days away from the combat, away from the terror, the fear, always wondering if today is the day one of us makes a slip up and end our tour in a body bag. Five whole days just to be us.
I’ve never felt like this about anyone before. I can’t put into words how he makes me feel. Which just makes life round here even harder. Ok better finish packing – wouldn’t want to miss my shuttle.
06/25/06
Alpha Three is beautiful. Ok not in quite the same way that Earth is but to me anywhere is beautiful at the moment. I’ve checked into small hotel on the outskirts of the main recreational complex. It’s nothing special but it is secluded. D arrives tonight and I want everything to be just perfect.
*Flashback *
The sound of laughter reverberated around the hotel room as the lieutenant flung himself back on the bed.
‘We did it. I finally get you all to myself for a while.’
‘Yes you do.’ His lover crept up the bed predatorily, pinning the other’s hands with his own.
Lips met and gentle sighs were emitted.
‘I don’t want to waste a single moment of our time together.’
‘Sweetheart, I’ve just got off of a three hour shuttle flight.’ But the protest was half hearted and silenced by hands pushing up the hem of his top and an eager mouth attaching itself to his left nipple. ‘Arghhhh.’ The lieutenant threw his head back in defeat.
The mouth continued in its ministrations, laving first one nipple and then the other before laying a trail of kisses across his abdomen, reaching ever lower.
A hand gripped his tormentor’s hair, forcing him to raise his head and meet his lover’s eyes. Green locked onto blue as a silent agreement passed between them.
The hands returned, this time to remove the top completely as the lieutenant undid the button and zip of the other’s flies. When both men were naked, they sat back and surveyed the body in front of them.
‘You’re so beautiful.’ Fingers caressed muscles built up by months of army training and honed by the strict regime of combat life. Neither body had an ounce of fat on it.
Fingers trailed down, exploring contours so long denied them.
‘I want to be in you.’
'and I want you to be in me.'
Lube and condoms appeared from the pocket of one of the discarded jackets.
‘You came prepared I see.’
A smile as their lips met in a crashing expression of desire and love. Their arousals rubbing against each other as one body slid down the other, teasing and stroking before unwrapping a condom and rolling it onto a straining erection.
More kisses on whatever part of the body they could reach.
‘Now, please’ a breathless plea.
With great care the plea was answered. Time taken to let the body adjust to the sensation.
Moans of pleasure and pain filled the room as the two men brought each other towards their climaxes.
‘Harder, fuck me damn you.’
‘You feel so good.’
Moans turned to screams and words to entreaties. Blinding white heat coursed through their bodies.
‘DANIEL!’
‘DARREN!’
Passions spent they collapsed into a lover’s embrace; gently rubbing and soothing each other back down.
06/26/06
Last night was incredible. We made love fully for the first time. It was like nothing I have ever experienced before. None of my other partners even come close. Being with D just feels so good, so right.
As I write this he is still sleeping, sprawled out over the bed, his lean limbs bathed in the glow of the approaching dawn. His face so restful and at peace. I could sit and watch him sleep forever. The steady rise and fall of his chest, his regular breathing…
* Flashback *
‘Come here.’ A sleepy voice instructed and the journal writer gladly abandoned his musings in favour of his lover’s arms.