3. 

Daniel fitted his key into the lock and turned it, entering the house to an all too familiar sound. Taking the stairs two at a time he rushed into the bathroom to find Darren knelt on the floor, his head over the toilet bowl once again.

Darren just groaned and retched afresh. Exhausted he leant his head against the cold porcelain.

Tenderly Daniel stroked his sweat drenched hair back from off of his face. ‘Perhaps we should go back to the hospital, get your meds changed?’

‘What good would that do? Face it Dan, this is my reality now.’ Darren said bitterly.

‘No, it doesn’t have to be like this. Dr Walker said that there are other combinations we can try.’

‘Dan…’ Darren turned to face him.

Defeated Daniel crumpled to the floor beside Darren. ‘What are we going to do?’ he asked, his voice barely more than a whisper.

Taking Daniel’s hands in his, Darren kissed him lightly on the forehead. ‘I think it’s time we started to make plans.’

Silently Dan nodded.

A few days later Daniel sat in his doctor's surgery nervously playing with his fingers. He was sure the doctor would see straight through him, would realise what he was really up to.

'So how can I help you today Mr Jones?' the man smiled at him not unsympathetically.

'I…ermmm…I,' Daniel kept his eyes downcast not wanting to meet the doctor's, 'Ummm, as you know my partner is not very well at the moment and ermm…the stress, I'm not sleeping particularly well.'

'You'd like me to prescribe you some sleeping pills?'

'Yes.' Dan exhaled a breath that he didn't realise he had been holding and relaxed slightly.

'Ok, but I want you to only take them when you really need them.'

Daniel nodded, he didn't tell the doctor that he had no intention of taking them at all.

Returning home he was greeted by an anxious Darren.

'So did he give them to you?'

Wordlessly Dan held up the small paper bag that contained his prescription.

'Thank you.' Darren said quietly, embracing Daniel.

'Darren…are you sure?'

Drawing Daniel over to sit beside him on the sofa Darren took his love's hands in his own, gently stroking the backs of his wrists with his thumbs. ‘Dan…Danny, Oh Danny, baby, we've been over this. I'm not going to get any better, in fact things are only going to get worse. What are you going to do when I can't even feed myself, when I can't got to the bathroom unaided?'

'I'll be there for you, I'll take care of you.' Daniel felt tears begin to form as he looked deep into Darren's eyes, searching.

'I know but I don't want you to have to do that for me. I don't want to end up like that. I want to die whilst I can still hold you, whilst I can still tell you how much I love you.'

Daniel's tears began to fall and he let them, hot tears spilling over their enjoined hands.

Darren moved his hands to embrace him fully, rocking him, uttering soft words to soothe. His heart was breaking to see Dan like this and he knew that however painful it may be he had made the right decision for both of them. He wasn’t the only one hurting because of his illness.

Eventually Dan’s sobs subsided and he drew back in Darren’s arms.

‘Just promise me one thing,’ his bottom lip quivered.

‘Anything baby.’

‘Promise me that you won’t…you won’t do anything…without me being there.’

‘Oh Danny,’ Darren pulled him back, closer, tighter, placing gentle kisses in his hair, ‘I would never do anything without saying goodbye to you, I need you with me.’ He buried his face in Daniel’s floppy locks, ‘I need you Danny. I don’t think I am strong enough to do this on my own.’

He desperately wanted to cry, to let out all his anger, his sorrow, his frustration but tears were just one more thing that his damn medication had robbed him of.