Who came up with the idea that there is one person that’s right for everyone? That everyone has another half that will complete them? That we are all destined to meet up and live out our lives with our soul mates? I dunno, but they must not have thought things through very well because there are so many flaws in that system. Allow me to point them all out.

Is there some sort of system governing who our soul mates are? Is the Soul Mate System- the universal dating system- incable of matching up two people that have no way of being together? Or maybe if it does select two people, like Romeo and Juliet, who can’t be together, it gives em the motivation to make it work. I guess that depends on your definition of “work” though.

Say my soul mate is a three year old Hindu boy living in India. There’re only a few problems with that:

1. In fairy tales, aren’t girls always meeting their soul mates when they’re around the age of sixteen? That means that I’ve got three months from Thursday the 21st to meet my soul mate. That’s more stressful than the SATs, AP exams, finals, and college applications combined.

2. I don’t have any money! How am I supposed to get to India? I don’t know about everyone else’s soul mate, but I know mine dosen’t have some sort of homing signal that lets me know exactly where he is. What am I gonna do, just wander around Bombay until I find him? What if he lives in the jungle? And is being raised by wolves? And wears a loincloth?

3. Say I do get myself to India, and do miraculously manage to find my soul mate. The kid is three years old! There’s just a wee bit of an age gap between us, and remember, I can’t wait until we get older and thirteen year’s difference dosen’t matter- I’ve only got three months until I’m seventeen, and by then it’ll be far too late.

4. Culture. India is cool and all, you know, elephants, batik skirts, birth place of Gandhi, setting for crappy ‘20s films, but how well is an American teenager going to fit in there? Somehow I just can’t see myself being easily accepted in to a Hindu family, not to mention conforming to societal gender roles. Harhar. And what about those wolves, if that be the case? I know Jane put up with apes for George, but I dunno if I’m as hard core as that.

I know how I would marry a three year old Indian boy in the U.S.A. though. Get him drunk, kidnap him, and get married in Vegas. Aint America grand.

--grand drum major of the universe

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