Meta tag me, baby. Tag me hard.
ok, crisis over. selling guitars, getting money, finding new job, more hours at present one, realizing i'm very lucky. lucky to be home.
they say that if you let something that you love go, and it comes back, that it was meant to be. you let me go, laura. you should have said no, and made me stay. but, if that were the case, i wouldn't be typing this right now. i'd probably be sleeping, or doing something bad. i was sent to oklahoma, transported to el paso, yet at the completion of my ordeal, i said 'no'. i could have come back as a soldier, served my country, earned benefits for myself, not to mention money and free college, but i would have lost in the end. i would have lost you. what i'm saying is.. i had everything in my hands, a secure future after a brutal and intense training, as well as a huge sacrifice for it. i was secure.. in that way. if i had become a soldier, and went overseas, and came back, i would have a predictable life, a very secure job, and money. a cozy, colors in the lines, padded lifestyle. but, to who really know me.. they know i'm none of those. predict what i'm gonna do, or say. try it! Watch me save my money. ha. never. watch me do what i'm told, and never get into trouble (i find the trouble.. it doesn't find me).
but, as i was saying, i was set. but, i didn't like it. not at all. yeah, sure.. watch me leave her again for 4 more months.. or 12. how 'bout.. no. un-uh. never again. she's the real reason that i wake up in the morning, or stay up late typing at 3:30 in the morning. the way she makes every rotten thing about life seem like it's gonna be ok. she's my only dream that has ever come true.
I broke down in tears infront of my entire 150 unit company one morning before breakfast. Humiliated my Drill Sargeant, talked and rumored about by the rest of the soldiers. Carefully watched by the ones appointed over me. I hit bottom. That would be the only way to be with you forever. I knew that I could endure the two more weeks of training in humiliation, rather than in pride and glory, because I had the security, trust, and love of someone over 2000 miles away. Every morning I woke up and smiled, because I knew that I was doing the right thing. Every time a Drill Sargeant would talk me down, call me crazy, give me a bad or disgusted look, or tell me that i'm a disappointment, I smiled inside. a huge, content smile. When another soldier started a rumor, or harassed me, like they did daily, i laughed. When i looked disturbed when i met with the psychiatrists and the Army big-shots, or the times they tried to see right through me, but couldn't, or when i was put on drugs to keep me "mellow and stable". I sighed in relief. I knew that my future would be so much better than any of their's. this is because of one solid fact.
laura loves me.
and that's all that matters.
bingo bango.
.love you.
said frank on friday june 11 at 3:32 am
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i'd scream this song right in your face if you were here.
this is exactly how i pictured it. i knew before i got that car, i would
have no money at all. that box with four wheels has bankrupted me. i didn't even want it that bad. i knew i would be here, sulking to no one at all, in my financial burden. i'll sell two of my guitars, that i don't play, because they're all i have of value, that someone might want.
fuck.
said frank on friday june 4 at 1:09 am
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No, Mr. President, no no no..
I really, really want John Kerry
to be the next president.
said frank on monday may 24 at 11:31 pm
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to catch something down there that brillo won't take off..
no, i don't have STDs.
details aside, scenario:
I read something online that makes me feel used, like a piece of meat, cheated,
and overwhelmingly disgusted at myself and my past. Regret to the power of 10. How I wish I never had sex at all. Although, i'm glad Mike was right. I
hated Worcester anyway, and he knew it all along. She did. Even if she said
she didn't.. she did. I was played, played with, like a marionette. She fucked
him, while I was 50 miles away. If I only listened sooner. Either way, she's
going to hell. Jesus holds no cash and prizes for you.
But, Laura's mom is unjustly unreasonable, and loves to bring me stress and
anger, so I can't see her for the entire weekend. Under the layers of falicies
and facades, i'm starting to think that she wants me gone, for good. I guess it's good for me that I don't care what she wants anyway. Her dad approves of
me, so that wins the battle right there. He believed her, and he thinks i'm a
"good kid", which i am, dammit. Mr. Buchanan, I think you're a just and reasonable man, and I thank you dearly for allowing me to date your daughter.
So, thanks.
Flipside.
.love you.
said frank on friday may 21 at 11:27 pm
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the red ones taste like burning
That was the last of my spontaneous ideas.
shark.
said frank on thursday may 20 at 3:43 pm
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you'll find a way back home
Reform.
v. tr.
To improve by alteration, correction of error, or removal of
defects; put into a better form or condition.
To abolish abuse or malpractice in: reform the government.
To put an end to (a wrong).
To cause (a person) to give up harmful or immoral practices;
Persuade to adopt a better way of life.
I'm delving into a late-teen renaissance, such as Europe did in the cliche
"Renaissance", where new ideas about life, art, and practices were considered,
and the quality of life changed as people started to really learn. So, as stated, i'm jumping into reform, mainly to better myself and prevent my life from the effects of the usual impulsiveness and spontanuity that is my present way of living.
Gonna try it all again.
i love you.
said frank on thursday may 20 at 2:17 pm
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these are the words that tore me apart.
i'm not even ask the question, "have you ever did something so stupid as to
make you want to punch your own self in the face?", because i know that
everyone has, but i'm going to mention it just the same.. well, i already
mentioned it, so that's that.
and and and and and and and. there's no way that someone can function on 2-4
hours a sleep each and every night, i don't care who you are. deprived of
sleep for just 3 mornings, and my eyelids don't want to exactly fall and put
me back to sleep, they feel as they might pull themselves inward on my face,
rip off, and run, because they're not getting the respect that they deserve.
but trust me, on the sleep.
said frank on tuesday may 18 at 7:49 am
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it's over!
army life just.. sucks. didn't like the idea of going to Iraq and dying, so
i went crazy, and they released me. so, no army for me, dammit. i'm back home,
returning everything back to the way it was when i left. (just killed a HUGE
ant-like insect) but i got the internet back, and my job at Big Y, and a new
car. although, i got a 2001 Chevy Malibu rather than the del sol, for some
reason that i don't know, but it's good all the same. i'm almost broke again,
which is close to normal (not broke just yet.. will be soon), and i love laura,
lots and lots. and that's that.
said frank on thursday may 13 at 11:13 pm
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pretext to a personal war
this present separation is the unnecessary pretext of what is to inevitably come. the absurdness and irrationality of the enforcers of this pretext have no sense of reason, and i believe that they care about nothing but their personal agendas.
if i don't bring you home in time, what's the worst that could happen? what's the worst that they can do? shoot me.
tomorrow will be fun.
oh. and i love you.
said frank on wednesday january 7 at 12:28 am
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oh, and i fell for you, Laura Buchanan.
"it's past nine.."
but i'm not done talking. lying in the darkness, with you on the other end of the phone line, i couldn't comprehend what i wanted to say in the minutes of silence. now that we're in a great conversation about things, the conversation must end. bullshit.
i'm 28 months older than you. So, your life hasn't been that exciting before you met me. you say you never really went anywhere before i came around. i suppose i can understand that. actually, i believe that i understand everything about you, no matter any way i might react if you were tell me something. i feel that you're living alot more now than.. 2 weeks ago. although that might not make sense at first glance, because you can't really go out now that school's back in rotation. but, think of the last time at the movies. we saw LOTR 3, and you bought me a soda, because i couldn't afford it. you were stern that night. i asked you to play 1945 with me, but you kept refusing. when we sat down in the screening room, you said something around, "we'll sit in front, because you like to sit infront," after i picked out the movie, got my soda, and played an arcade game by myself. a few minutes into the movie, i looked at you, and for some reason, you felt different. i felt as if you were rather snappy towards me, and, in a way, i felt like a loser because i couldn't make you seem happy. you looked so uncontent. you said something about, "you've got your soda and LOTR, so be happy." That crushed me. I couldn't care less about the soda, or that damned movie. I just wanted you to be happy, with me.. i wanted us to be happy. It's tough making most of the decisions most of the time. almost every time i suggest something that we could do, your response has been, "yeah" or "ok", but if i were to ask if that's fine with you, you would reassure that it was. now, either i am really, really good at thinking of things to do, or perhaps you're too shy to tell me that it's not what you really want to do. either way, i feel as if i'm making all of the decisions. it doesn't sit well with me, but i can accept it if i must.
But, sitting there watching the movie, for the first 2 hours i felt a great hostility between us. i felt as if i had done something wrong, but i couldn't figure out what it was. .. .. Anyways, i felt that you, laura, were trying to lose some fear that you had in us, rather, you were showing what you were feeling. I remember telling you days before that I thought you had alot of fears about alot of things, and I felt that this was one attempt at stifling one. If it was, you might have taken it a little too seriously, or i might have taken it too hard.
But, cumulatively, I don't like it at all when you won't have fun with me. The rock at the summit house, not trying to play DDR, I can understand those things. But, when you wouldn't play a video game with me, i felt sore. It might just be an irrational thing to believe, but i think if you played it with me, i would have felt more comfortable with the night, because we would have done something together, rather than just going to see a movie with eachother.
FLIPSIDE:
I love when you aren't afraid to act like a kid, like we both are. When we can both act like goofballs and act silly and cute, or you give me a piggy back ride, or anything small and youthful. Although I humbly feel that my mental capacity and understanding outperform most adults', I abhor not being a kid. I enjoy whole-heartedly having a huge amount of energy, being active, jumping around like a fool, being loud, exploitive, although sometimes embarassing, but always having a good time.
This is another reason I am joining the Army; to come home after basic training with a better understanding of physical and mental tasks and situations, with more energy, while being physically fit - a boosted condition, and the ability to act like a kid more of the time (when i don't necessarily need to act mature, or 'normal'.) I'll come back with great experiences, stories, money, and energy. Before I decided to enlist, my physical lifestyle has been going swiftly downhill. I was starting to feel like my dad; sit around the house most of the day, doing much of nothing. My classes were over, i was sleeping in late, and i was (and presently am) rather out of shape. I have no doubt that the Army is going to put me in peak physical and mental condition, sort of jumpstart my health. I also know that when I come back, i'm going to exercise alot, and be in awesome shape (so sexy!).. uhh... yeah. that too.
Hun, I know that you have so much to learn about living (your parents really do shut you in on these things), and I know you're going to have alot of fun while i'm gone (at least i WANT you to have a great time.) Please, really do have a good time, or the best that you can while i'm off having an experience. May it be with Kerrie, or Ashley, or whoever, just know that I'm not afraid that you're going to do anything that I wouldn't condone (e.g. "the party with ashley and beckie".) I trust that you'll use the good judgement that you've been so blessed with (after all, you chose me, which is pretty damn good, if i do say so myself.) I'm not afraid anymore that something could happen while i'm away, where i'd come back to a life without you. I've got the strongest faith in you, and that's what is going to keep me going while away. Whenever I might think that I can't run any farther, or I can't do another push-up, or I just can't get over that wall, or how homesick I might feel, i'm going to think of you, and what the future will hold if I do graduate Basic, and how accomplished i'll feel.
So, you love it. Let it go (or they say). You love something (me), and you're letting it go. If it comes back to you, then it must have been meant to be. . .
I'll take care of you, Laura Buchanan. I promise.
And I love you.
said frank on monday january 5 at 10:23 pm
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and my decree says... damn straight
i am almost not sick now. damn straight. ahh... yeah. that's it.
.love you
said frank on monday january 5 at 12:52 am
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virii blow.
i'm done being sick. i've had enough of this. i wish that i wake up tomorrow,
and i won't be ill. that would be "ill" in itself. that is the last time i crash at a sick kid's house, for sure.
being sick is bullshit. and i don't approve.
cleaning my room tonight, i found a bunch of old words that i once scribbled down. i have no idea when they're from, or who they're about, for the most part, but they're up here now.
when i think about the army, i say to myself, "bring that shit on."
.love you
said frank on sunday january 4 at 1:24 am
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do i really have to say
I love that girl. I love her like I love Devil Dogs. I just can't get enough of her. May the way that I love her not be overlooked or misinterpreted, because it's for real. But oh, how I wish she'd update.
said frank on
saturday january 3 at 12:47 am
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dammit
Fucking stupid fucks. Fuck you all, you motherfuckers, especially you, you fucking fuck.
shit.
said frank on
friday january 2 at 5:59 pm
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remembering things
I love Devil Dogs. You know, the devilish delight, with it's two soft, chocolatey halves, and a sweet, creme filling. I can remember to about age 5, when I used to eat this treat every day, although deemed "junk food" by my father. As I now look longingly into this creation of confectionary precision, I can't help but feel a flow of nostalgia over my body. I remember my first bicycle, my bb gun, spaghetti-o's. I bite into this simple snack, and i'm almost saddened at how this Devil Dog seems so small compared to when I was a little boy. Yet, the aftertaste is still the same; parts of it stuck to the roof of your mouth, in your molars, the taste seemingly embedded permanently into your tongue. Almost sinful, the way such a small snack can evoke old memories. Life loves me.
said frank on
friday january 2 at 12:57 am
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back to the future
Tied up loose ends. The world seems brighter, now that i am more enlightened. Makes sense, does it not?
said frank on
friday january 2 at 12:26 am
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fixed it
i fixed it! Damn comment tags.. don't work in older browsers... gone.
said frank on
thursday january 1 at 4:36 pm
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old friends... now do coke
besides the title, my new years was exceptional. I partied well, found my way home safe, and I am not hungover. "Don't you care, we are still wasting moments." I got my grades back from first semester - all my credits except for english, because i failed out on account of lack of attendance.
My attempts to convert this site into a css format, with loading css files, has shown nothing but an accumulated failure. I suppose that either geocities has a problem with hosting such a layout, or i'm just too full of myself to understand why the page will work on my local machine, but not on the 'net. Therefore, this layout is still here.
Shipping out to the army next thursday, so no more posts after that date until I come back in May. "Bring that shit, ON!"
I try to make alot of plans, but most of the better ones are smitten by forces out of my control. It sometimes make me feel like a kid with no freedom. If she doesn't call me back by 3:45, i'll go watch the sunset with myself. Some people just don't care about anything that I want.. they just care about what's more convenient for themselves. I'm leaving for Oklahoma in less than a week, and I plan on- .. no, I'm going to follow my desires, and do what I want.. for myself.. I think it's about time that I do things for myself, at least for a little while.
That del sol is going to be so loud...
Track 7 is the best.
I'm screaming. At least inside. I'm screaming with Bill.
I'm changing my major when I come back from basic training. I'm going to try to major in music, and minor in webpage development. When I think of silence, when I experience it, I want to do anything I can to end it. "I can't wait much more."
Old friends are disappointing. Especially when they get into shady business. ::sniff:: ::rubs nose with back of hand with vigor::
I have.. about $2.00 in paper.. about $6.00 in credit.. and maybe $5.00 in mixed change. I get paid tomorrow. Tomorrow is looking good.. real good.
"warmth of the tropical sands.."
love you.
OUT!
said frank on
thursday january 1 at 2:22 pm
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well, i guess i tried to be good.
(even though only one person reads this, i'll continue to write to a more plural audience.)
When I found out that Laura went to the mall today, I thought that I might be either skillful or lucky enough to cross her path, (I just wanted to embrace her so quickly and swiftly, hopefully having my lips find hers, even for the slightest moment.)
I was there with Will, and to no avail, she didn't appear in our view, so... I gave her a call, and she said she had already left (as to deter me from any invasion of her presence), but also to no avail, I finally found her.. ironically as I was getting into my car, when she drove by.
She called me when she had gotten home, as she said she would, and I now believe that I did all sorts of horribleness. She didn't seem very pleased when I saw her, nor did she seem any more pleased through the tone in her voice on the phone. I've been trying to be a kid while I still can, before January comes 'round. Once May graces us, who knows how much I may have grown up.
I know i'll end up doing good, the way that I genuinely intend, but when is that day where i'll succeed.. ..who knows. I'm giving life my very best shot, because I only get one. I'm always trying to make the most of a bad time. I'm here. This is me. I'm trying. Just say that you love me. Please?
.because i love you
said frank on
monday december 22 at 9:32 pm
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when they're gone
the skies bleed
said frank on
sunday december 21 at 12:20 pm
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beautiful disaster
i'll be fine.
i love you
said frank on
saturday december 20 at 12:16 am
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today is fire.. and she burns
all the times when we say nothing, all i wish for is that she'd say something.
silence makes me sick with anguish.
i'm not trying hard enough.
i'll try harder.
.i love you
said frank on
monday december 15 at 1:54 pm
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..hey, thanks, i really gotta pee..
all content © 1999-2004 Frank N. Dixon
