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Title: Only You
Author: Stealthlamb
Author's website: oocities.com/stealthlamb
Rating: R
Spoilers: Season 3 episode 302
Warnings: Language, Slight Ben Bashing and Mikey angst
Summary: A skeleton comes a falling out of Ben's closet. Unfortunately he's still got some
flesh on his bones and a revelation or two for poor little Mikey.
Author's Note: I don't know where this came from. I like Ben but muses will be muses and this
one wouldn't shut up. Thanks to Logansmoneypenney for her much needed support and
input, and Polly for betaing
Archive: Always and ATP and Stealthlamb’s Slash
Michael gathered the ripest, richest and reddest strawberries he could find, some mango, fresh plump pineapple, and mandarin oranges. All he needed now was cantaloupe, a selection of leafy greens and a package of bamboo shoots and he was good to go.
"One gourmet Grassi Buddhist Delight coming right up." Michael smiled at Vic, picturing his lover's reaction when presented with the homemade meal, one HE cooked for a change. "It's not exactly authentic Thai but I hope he likes it."
"Like it? He's going to love it." Vic exclaimed confidently. "It's one of my recipes after all."
Vic shook his head incredulously as he caught his nephew checking his list again. "Michael, give it a rest would you? I swear, you worry more than your mother... it's very disconcerting."
Michael laughed, mentally chiding himself for being so nervous. Vic was right. This was Ben after all. His Ben. The man he was in love with-who loved him. Ben would love anything he made for him even if he over spiced the tofu, forgot to wash the greens and served it all on a dirty platter. Besides, even though he wasn't going to be there to help, Vic was only a phone call away and had assured him that even the most novice chef could handle this recipe. There was very little chance he could screw it up.
"Well, I guess that's everything." Grabbing the cart, Michael and Vic headed off to find an empty register.
As he watched the sales girl ring up his groceries and Vic pick through his wallet for the appropriate coupons, Michael's mood faltered as he thought about the reason behind the special meal. In just a few days his lover would be leaving, heading off to the other side of the country.
Granted it would only be a few weeks; his annual teacher's conference out in California, but for those dozen or so days Michael would be left home alone and missing Ben madly. Still, Ben had spoken of nothing but this trip for weeks, regaling his lover with odds and ends and humorous anecdotes from previous conventions. Although his lover had assured him that one word from him and he'd stay, Michael knew deep down that would be wrong.
No, Michael was just going to have to stay home, be the good wife and await his man's return. Taking his change and saying a quick thank you to Vic and the sales girl, Michael grabbed his packages and hurried home.
After all, he had produce to wash, wine to let breathe and candles to light. Tonight he was going to show his one and only just how much he was going to be missed and what he had to hurry back to.
************
"Why not use Michael as a sounding board?" The cutting, sarcastic tone of Jeffrey's voice was not lost on Ben. "I'm sure he'd love to hear about your new book." He smirked holding up a Captain Astro emblazoned juice glass."
"You haven't met him, Jeffery." Ben admonished his long time friend. "Michael might prefer to discuss what color spandex would best accentuate Rage's thigh muscles or the injustice of allowing the homophobic murderers of his childhood comic book hero to go unpunished rather than the religious ramifications of finding the path to emotional and spiritual enlightenment as applied to the gay man in the twenty first century, but that doesn't make him stupid."
Jeffrey gazed at the cover of Rage; volume 1 issue 3 taking in the sharp attention to detail that the artist paid to the strong jaw line and thick luscious lips of the main character. From the cover alone it was easy to see why Ben's new boy toy was so obsessed with this guy. If this Brian character looked in person, anything like his Technicolor counterpart the man was a veritable God. Glancing around the room, Jeffrey's eyes landed on a framed photo of the real life embodiment of said superhero, arms wrapped securely around his own personal "Zephyr."
"Benny, understand that while I'm not knocking the guts it must have taken for Michael to just drop everything on a wing and a prayer and start a new life and I'll admit that creation in any capacity is an achievement in and of itself, I still don't see it. Are you sure you're not just with this guy because he's a fabulous piece of ass?"
"Jeffrey…"
"Benjamin, " Jeffrey interrupted. "He believes his best friend is a superhero! A superhero for Christ sakes!"
Ben sighed unable to find any justifiable way to defend his lover in this particular instance. Yes, there were a million and one reasons that Ben could give Jeffrey, things that made him love Michael a little more every day. But more often of late, they seemed overshadowed by Michael's overwhelming hero worship of Brian. In Michael's mind, Brian Kinney could do no wrong and the long and short of it was that it really was beginning to tick Ben off, Zen or not.
"Everyone needs someone they can look up to, Jeffrey." Ben murmured weakly into his glass.
And it was true. If anyone knew that to be so, it was Ben because for him it was Jeffrey Burk, the man sitting across from him at this very moment - Academic, athlete, activist and all around hunk, Jeffrey Burk.
Jeffrey had played a large part in making Ben the man he was today by encouraging him to seize the day, the moment, every opportunity. And for Ben, Jeffrey had become his first, last and always. The real reason, when honesty took hold, that Ben never begrudged Michael, Brian was that he would always have Jeffrey.
Ben guiltily came out of his reverie only to be bombarded by the unavoidable evidence of his childlike lover strewn about their apartment - toys, comics and his life size cut out of Captain Astro.
Slowly, Ben found himself feeling smothered by a thick blanket of regret and remorse as a bit of resentment and embarrassment found their way into his heart. Fuck, why was this so hard.
"You have to understand him, Jeffrey…" Ben began flatly.
"Granted he can be a bit..." Ben continued, pausing to find the right word to describe his endearingly imaginative boyfriend.
"Juvenile?" Jeffrey quipped bitingly.
"Naďve. Jeffery," Ben quickly responded. "Michael just has a very trusting nature, a more innocent view of the world than the rest of us. Frankly, I envy him that."
His own argument seemed weak, half-hearted. He tried to voice a battle that he'd had a hundred times with himself; locked away in a bathroom or in his office; anytime his own doubts about his relationship with Michael would start eating away at him.
He had thought they'd moved too fast to begin with, tried to tell Michael that although he did love him he felt as though they were rushing things. That lack of a place to stay, thanks to his cancelled trip to Tibet, and convenience weren't enough reasons to bring their relationship to the next level - to move in together. But arguing with those dark hopeful eyes and sweet innocence was just a no win situation.
Briefly, Ben found himself giving Brian credit; just how the hell he resisted Michael for so many years was still a mystery to him.
"Right," Jeffrey rolled his eyes at the overly lovey-dovey sentiment. "But wasn't it you that told me that an education was foremost before you'd consider dating someone? I don't pretend to know Michael personally but from what you told me – Assistant manager of a chain store...Oh, excuse me, Manager of a Big Q," he mocked cruelly, "to owning a comic book store...doesn't sound like the overachieving Nobel Prize winner I always pictured you with."
"Now aren't you being just a touch resentful, Jeffrey." On a good day Jeffrey was negative and snarky but now he was just purposely being cruel. It was obvious he had been sensing a distance from Ben of late and was feeling threatened.
It was somewhat understandable, Ben thought. Michael was the first serious love to come along since Paul.
"While I'll admit that Michael isn't your conventional definition of intelligent, he's smart in his own way." Ben smiled fondly inching his way across the couch with a mischievous grin across his face. "And he's so fuckin' adorable, Jeff. Just wait until you meet him. I know the moment you see him you won't be thinking GPA's."
"Oh, because I'll be blinded by the T and A? Whatever, Benjamin, as long as you're not thinking of replacing me with some twinkie boy toy." Jeffrey grew silent when no answer was forthcoming. "You're not replacing me, are you Benny?"
"Fuck no, Jeffrey." Ben stated emphatically as he slid across the couch and pulled the brunette in for a deep, soothing kiss that lasted for some time. "So smart and yet so insecure," Ben smiled amusedly. "You know I could never lose you. I'm just not ready to try and explain all of this to Michael yet, okay?"
"Oh Jesus, " Jeffrey snickered. "Don't want to upset the little wife?" Snuggling into Ben's embrace, Jeff ran his fingers over Ben's hand.
"You're not too jealous are you?"
"Nah." Jeffrey smiled. "You said the same thing about Paul and look how that turned out."
"Jeffrey!" Ben spat horrified.
"Not that he's dead, Jesus Benny, what do you take me for? You two broke up long before he died... and...and I'd like to believe it was because secretly, deep down inside you just loved me more."
"I'll admit that it wasn't easy to separate myself from you back then, but I had to. I had to know that my feelings for Paul were true. Then there was that whole infidelity/HIV thing." Ben laughed lightly. "Although I forgave him for infecting me, I don't think we could have just gone back to what we had been after such a betrayal."
"Well yeah, there was that..." Jeffrey smirked. "But still, I knew you'd come back to me Benny, always. We just compliment each other too well not to be together...Which is why I'm here, Ben."
"W-what are you saying, Jeffrey?" Ben stammered.
While it was always understood that nothing and no one would ever truly come between the two of them, Jeffrey had always led Ben to believe that they never had a future together, just moments in time special enough and passionate enough to carry them through until the next.
"I want us to give it a go Benny. That's why I couldn't wait to see you."
Ben remained silent trying to absorb what he was hearing. "I want an 'us' Ben. I'm tired of fighting this disease on my own and I shouldn't have to. WE shouldn't have to."
"Ben, " Jeffrey took on a gentle tone. "I know you think that this Michael is the one for you; that he's the genuine article. And while I'm sure he's a really sweet guy are you sure that it's not just his spirit that you love. That you're only with him because his love for life makes you forget that yours might be cut short? Benny, I'm asking you to go through this with me, to let me go through it with you...Together. Ben, it's finally our time."
The moment stretched as they stared lost in each other's eyes, lost in the moment unaware that they were no longer alone that is until a sound startled them from behind. Damp eyed and dry mouthed, Ben cleared his throat and did his best to compose himself as he turned toward the door.
"H-hey baby, you're home early."
In the entryway Michael stood stone still. Hurt and shock warred for superiority across his features as he stared wide-eyed and silent at the couple. In his arms, grocery bags all but forgotten, were tipping over, threatening to spill their contents onto the floor.
"M-michael, " Ben took a deep breath. "This is Jeffrey. Jeffery Burk." Michael said nothing, his eyes boring into the stranger's as he sat all too comfortably on his couch. "I'm sure I've told you about him."
Ben was unable to miss how those small hands trembled absently, as the packages were set down on the table. "He's an old friend." Ben fought vainly to explain, his gaze split between the two men trying to gauge their reactions to one another as he spoke. "We attended Yale together."
He hadn't mentioned him. As a matter of fact, Ben spoke very little about his college days. Now Michael knew why.
"Jeffrey, this is my lover, Michael Novotny."
Jeffrey was older than Michael by the looks of him, perhaps older than Ben. In his late thirties with dark brown curls, he was ruggedly handsome. Thinly built with just a bit of weathering about the eyes. He was an even mix of intelligence and age. All and all, Michael had to admit the man was very good looking...for an asshole.
Jeff's gaze broke from Michael's only for an instant; his fierce, unapologetic blue eyes drinking in the smaller man from head to toe, the contempt shifting only slightly, softening into something resembling lust as he took a moment to focus on Michael's physique.
'Ben had been right, he was a piece of ass.' and that was all but spoken because it written plain as day across the older man's features. Once again, though, the glower returned as Jeffrey made his way back to the boy's face.
"Michael...I've heard so much about you." And by the sound of it, Michael knew that he didn't consider it a good thing.
From where Ben stood he could see the shaky rise and fall of Michael's chest - the slight tremor in his hands. He was obviously trying to process what he was seeing.
"I didn't know we were having company." Michael's voice was flat, unemotional very unlike himself as he began emptying the bags and just concentrated on breathing. "I would have picked up at least one more package of tofu, maybe some beer."
"Michael, I never thought Jeffrey would come here..." ‘Fuck!’ Ben bit his tongue. 'Of all the fucked up ways that could have come out.'
"What I mean is... "
"Shit!" Michael dramatically interrupted. "I knew the sales girl left the tofu out."
"Michael..." Ben began gruffly, his heart breaking with each passing second that Michael rambled.
"I know how much you like it in your salad. That's why I asked Vic for the recipe. I thought I saw her put it in someone else's bag but I guess I was just distracted."
"Michael, slow down."
"The store's going to close in fifteen minutes. " Michael raced on barely catching his breath. "If I leave now... " Michael glanced at his watch. "I should leave now." he choked at a loss.
"No," It was Jeffrey who answered. Finally deciding to make himself scarce, if only to find some other mode of entertainment for the evening. He stood taking time to straighten out his slacks. "I should really be going if I'm going to make that flight." Staying true to his rudeness thus far, his statement was directed to Ben alone.
Ben knew the flight that Jeffrey was referring to. It was the very same flight that would carry him across the country and back into Jeffrey's arms in just a few days time. Guilt twisted his deep in Ben's gut.
"Ben." Awkwardly, Ben leaned in so Jeffrey could place a kiss on his cheek and a supportive hand on his forearm. "See you..." Luckily he caught himself in time deciding to leave out anything concerning the convention, not wanting to cause Ben any more trouble than he already obviously had coming to him. "...Soon."
"Bye Jeff." Ben's voice carried with it an underlying longing that was not missed by Michael, who had to quickly turn away.
The quiet click of the door closing introduced a deafening silence into the apartment.
~~~~
"Michael..."
"How long?" It started out as a growl but came out sounding weak and broken.
"Baby, let me explain..."
"That you're fucking someone else?" Michael spun around. "How long have you been fucking him?"
"It's not like that!" Ben snapped angrily at the cheapening of his relationship with Jeffrey...as sorted as it was. Seeing Michael flinch though, he was instantly sorry for raising his voice.
"I don't care what it's like, Ben! How long?"
"Jeffrey and I have been together since my sophomore year at Yale." Ben stated calmly, resigning himself to finally tell Michael the truth.
Michael had to physically take a step back as pieces of the world he once knew suddenly came crashing down around him.
"How nice for you." he sneered. "So, technically, I'm the other woman." Michael was mortified.
"He has nothing to do with my feelings for you, Michael."
"So this is why you don't have a problem with me spending so much time with Brian. Jesus, I am such a fuckin' idiot.” ‘Why don't I ever see it?’ He yelled at himself. "Why did you even get involved with me in the first place if you were already with someone? How could you do this to me?"
"Look Michael, " Ben reasoned. "Remember when you first found out about Brian and me sleeping together? How we started to have some problems? Then you came to me and told me about your feelings for him? I told you that we both had lives before we met each other, people we've both loved - still love. For me, it's Jeffrey. It's always has been. What I share with him is too complicated to go into right now but you have to believe me, it has nothing to do with you!"
Ben closed the distance between them. "My feelings towards you are genuine. They always have been, that hasn't changed. Nothing between us has to change. The only difference is that you know about Jeffrey now. This doesn't have to come between us. Not if you don't let it."
"He insulted me, Ben. Sitting on my couch! In my apartment!" Michael could feel his chest constricting. "Kiss-kissing MY boyfriend! You made a fool of me!"
"I'm sorry he was here. That was wrong. He caught me off guard. I didn't even know he was in Pittsburg. I didn't consciously invite him in either, it just sort of happened. And as for what he thinks he just doesn't know you yet, Baby. Once he gets to know you like I do, I know he'll..." Ben reached out to take Michael in his arms but his efforts were rebuffed.
"I don't want to get to know him, Ben!” Michael was incredulous at Ben’s suggestion. “And I don't want him to know me." Michael added pointedly referring to Ben's conversation with the other man. "How dare you share MY life with him!" Michael's eyes were overflowing with tears. "You bastard!"
"I love you, Michael, I can't stress that enough. I want you with me. But Michael, I'm not giving him up. I can't...” Those words encompassed Michael like a wave of ice water and his body stiffened, growing numb from the inside out.
"...And I’d hope you wouldn't ask me to. It would be like me asking you to give Brian up and we both know where that would lead."
"But I'm not sleeping with Brian." Michael's voice was quiet. Lost.
"But if you did - if you had sex with him you know I would be okay with it. As long as you didn't leave me we could get through anything."
Michael couldn't miss the real message hidden beneath those words - the pleading. Ben was asking for acceptance. He was asking for Jeffrey.
The love between them was obvious to Michael from what he witnessed between to the two men. Ben's silence in answer to Jeffrey's proclamation of love had been answer enough. Ben wanted Jeffrey, Jeffrey wanted Ben, Jeffrey now wanted more and Michael wanted the world to swallow him up.
Michael's head started pounding and he was having trouble breathing. Standing was becoming difficult as well and he could feel utter immobilization just on the horizon. He tried to swallow, but that too was not as easy as it was just minutes before due to the large lump in his throat-probably his rapidly beating and breaking heart. He was on the edge of a full-fledged panic attack.
"Your convention…" Michael pressed on though somehow he already knew and he gripped the edge of the table holding his breath.
Ben turned away in shame realizing just how lurid he'd managed to make the two most important relationships in his life; belittling what Jeffrey meant to him by hiding him away like some dirty little secret and outright lying to the kindest person he'd ever met with his silence.
"I'm sorry Michael."
"Are you?" Michael turned toward the door.
"Michael!" Ben stepped forward, desperation evident in his voice.
"Please."
Eerily calm, Michael paused with his hand on the doorknob. "Is he positive, Ben?" Michael asked though he'd already heard Jeffrey admit it.
And Ben knew right then and there that he'd lost Michael. "He's been positive for four years, yes."
"Then I'm positive too. I won't fight anymore. This disease has been a specter over our relationship since the beginning and it's taken just as much out of me as it has you, though you wouldn't think so to hear you tell it." He said referring to the steroid incident.
He paused a breath before forcing out the words he hated, but knew had to be said. "You have to be with him, Ben. It was meant to be." With that Michael made his way into the hallway.
"Michael." Ben pleaded quietly. "Please. I know I've hurt you, but I need you in my life. We can work this out. Michael, I love you."
Ben's voice echoed behind him as he disappeared down the stairs.
*******
"I love you." Michael spat angrily. "What the fuck does he know about love, anyway? Shit. What the fuck do I know about it for that matter? " Michael sighed. "What's wrong with me? Why can't I seem to hold onto a boyfriend?"
A man on the other side of the bar who had been watching and listening to Michael with interest since he stumbled into Woody's a little over an hour earlier joined him in holding up a glass. "Fuck love!" He proclaimed.
"Fuck love!" Michael mimicked. "And Fuck HIM!"
"So what’d he do...He cheat?"
"Yeah," Michael smiled humorlessly. "With me." The older man slid a few stools closer.
"Ooo, that's rough kid. So he left you then, huh." Michael snorted able to smell the ‘come on’ coming, even through his Jim Beam soaked senses. "It's a shame," the man continued in a placating manner. "A sweet little thing like you."
Sure enough, no sooner had the words stumbled out of the man's mouth when Michael felt the pressure of a large, meaty hand resting firmly on his thigh.
Michael lifted his heavy lidded gaze but instead of the predatory face of the miserable drunk that had been indulging him in anti-relationship validations all evening, his eyes were drawn to an all too familiar face. The steely-eyed blonde watched him, disapprovingly, from across the bar with arms crossed and lips pursed.
"Sunshine!"
Unnerved by the enthusiastic greeting, Justin's brow knit together with worry. Instantly he was on the defensive.
"Justin, c'mere. I want you to meet a friend of mine. This is..." Michael tapped the back of his hand repeatedly against his drinking companion’s broad chest as if the motion would jar the name free.
"Jim." The man supplied flatly eyeing up what he considered to be the competition.
Justin ignored him as he made his way over to Michael and evaluated him with a critical eye.
"Jim!" Michael chirped happily. "My new friend Jim. Jim and I were just discussing love, Sunshine. I'd be interested in hearing some of your insights into the subject considering who you were... Well, considering. Pull up a stool."
Watching as Michael animatedly pat the seat cushion next to him, Justin pulled out his cell phone. "How much have you had to drink, Michael?" he asked speed dialing Brian's number as he counted the numerous empty shot glasses lined up in front of the inebriated man.
Michael wrapped an arm around Justin's waist and pulled him whisper close. "Not nearly enough, Sunshine," he said sadly. "Bartender, 'nother round."
Absently offering comfort, Justin stroked Michael's back as the older man continued his drunken diatribe into the wrongness of monogamy, of all things. Justin paid little attention though, only trying to pick out the relevant things in the conversation that would explain what must have happened between him and Ben.
Five rings and Justin was growing agitated. ‘Fuck! Where the hell...’ "Brian! Thank God. I think you'd better get down here... I'm at Woody's..."
~~~
Brian was furious. Mad didn't begin to describe the acid like burn deep in his gut...or was that his groin, he couldn't tell if what he was witnessing was making him mad or hard. Just to be sure he waited another minute before deciding, watching as Michael sucked hungrily on Justin's willing lips.
"God, you taste..." Smack "so sweet." Michael murmured in between sloppy drunken kisses, his body wrapping around the nineteen year old like a second skin. As Justin's hand slid across Michael's backside, Michael moaned and pressed closer for more body contact, his eyes fluttering open and closed from the little jolts of pleasure Justin was causing.
"Mmmm, Brian..."
"What?" Justin chuckled, pulling away wide-eyed. "What did you just call me?"
"He said..." Sweet hot breath tickled delicately against the whorls of Justin's ear from behind as he was suddenly and forcibly separated from Michael. "...Brian."
Justin spun around quickly, his wicked tongue caught between his teeth, an impish grin gracing his plump, pink, kiss bruised lips. "It's about time you got here. He was turning into quite a handful."
"And you had him well in hand I see." Brian smirked angrily, his attention turning to Michael. Cupping his best friend's face, Brian turned Michael toward the dim bathroom lighting and gazed into his eyes.
Sorrow, sadness and pain blackened the depths of those familiar chocolate orbs but as far as Brian could tell, no narcotics had made their way into his system. Satisfied that Michael wasn't in any immediate danger, Brian took him by the shoulder and led him out of the bathroom.
"Come on Mikey, time to go home."
Michael's body instantly became rigid, his head shaking back and forth furiously. "’Mmmnot going home. No way. Forget it."
Briefly Brian wondered just what Professor Perfect could have done to warrant an errant Michael but he was too busy being impressed with Michael's newfound dexterity as he dodged Brian's hold; piss drunk and still able to spin out of his grasp not once, but twice.
"Don't worry, I didn't say your home." Brian growled as he caught hold of Michael's shirt.
"Brian, if you want me to go home with you, you're going to have to come up with a better line than that." Michael giggled naughtily. "I don't know 'bout your usual tricks but I'm not that easy."
"Well, " Justin raised an eyebrow feigning insult. "Aren't we fickle." he huffed. Michael made to slither back into the teen's arms but was snapped back against Brian's lanky frame, held firm, an arm wrapped around his chest in a vice like grip as he was sluggishly maneuvered toward the exit.
Once Brian had Michael safely secured in his jeep he turned to his ex-boyfriend. "So, what happened?"
"He kissed me first, Brian, I swear. And you should be thanking me! You should have seen the old fuck that trying to get into his pants!" Justin began in a rush.
"What IS it with Mikey and the elderly?" Brian laughed to himself peering at his friend now slumped against the passenger side window. "And that's not what I meant. I know you're not interested in him, Justin, so just relax and tell me what he..." Justin's sudden tight-lipped look took Brian by surprise. His eyes narrowed challengingly. "What?"
"Nothing." The teen answered quickly. "It's just," Justin paused. "Now I know why you're always kissing him." He teased, stressing his next words with plenty of lip, tongue and what could only be described as a slight purr. "He's got the softest lips."
Brian ignored him.
"Like velvet..." Justin continued, a big grin on his face knowing how he was affecting the older man. "No!" Justin's sudden sharp reply stopped Brian in his tracks making him turn back around. "...Like sugar coated satin."
"Little asshole." Brian stuck his keys in his ignition.
"Take care of him, Brian."
"Keep your nose out of it Sunshine." Brian's eyes narrowed. Michael was his business and he sure as hell didn't need some snot-nosed teen to tell him how to handle him.
Justin shrugged it off. Brian's insults rolled off his back after years of practice. He stepped away from the curb as Brian started the car.
Brian took a deep breath. "You need a ride anywhere?" he asked without making eye contact. "Daphne's? Your boyfriend's?"
Justin smiled knowingly. "No."
Brian nodded and proceeded to pull away leaving a still smirking blonde standing in front of the bar and Justin knew that was as close to a 'thank you' as he was ever going to get from Brian Kinney.
"You're welcome."
~~~
'Like velvet...Like sugar coated satin.' Brian threw his Jeep into park a bit more forcefully than necessary. Thank goodness he'd seat belted Michael in place or else he'd be picking bits of him off the windshield.
His dick strained against his jeans as he added his own descriptions of Michael’s lips to run rampant through his head. ‘Succulently lush, pliant, savory...’ "That fuckin' brat...." he mumbled under his breath.
Turning to Michael, Brian sighed in resignation. "And now I have to put you to bed. Where is the justice in this?" Gathering Michael into his arms, Brian pressed a soft kiss to the alcohol flushed skin of his best friend's forehead. "Come on Mikey, wakey wakey."
Unfortunately, the instant Brian jostled the small body into semi-consciousness silent tears began to fall. Pressing Michael against his chest, Brian sank into his friend's dark locks and held him close whispering softly. "Shh, it's okay Mikey. I'm here."
"I know." Michael sobbed, his fingers grasping Brian's shoulders firmly.
Brian smiled, holding his best friend as moist, petal soft kisses began raining down across the exposed skin of his neck in sweet and desperate little nips. 'Fuck,' it randomly hit Brian and he almost laughed out loud. 'Flowers.'
Justin was so busy with candy-coated textiles he hadn't even thought of flowers; their velvety soft surfaces and heady overpowering nectar...'Don't even go there Brian,' he admonished himself, 'not something you should be thinking about when you have an armful of vulnerably helpless Mikey.'
With all of the strength he could muster and he noticed it had been taking more and more of late, Brian turned Michael toward the building and led him inside.
Once in the loft, Michael just stood there, silent tears flowing down his face while Brian set the alarm. Brian took his immobile friend into his arms with the intention of settling him on the couch but Michael clung to his friend and began once again to use those soft sweet lips. Brian pushed Michael back, holding him at arms length. "Mikey..." he warned.
Wide-eyed and tearful, Michael sniffled. "What?"
Brian smiled sadly at the picture of utter defeat Michael projected. It would be too simple to kiss that rejection off of his deliciously dark features but he knew he couldn't - not yet. First he had to find out for sure exactly what the professor had done; though he already suspected, before he could make it go away.
Using tried and true methods, Brian's demeanor took on the cold and controlled shell that he’d used to protect his best friend from himself in the past. "What are you doing?"
"Pain management." Michael chewed his lip anxiously, the biting ache successfully helping him ward off his ever-flowing current of tears.
Brian was taken aback by Michael's bluntness. Justin he'd have expected such shallow behavior from but he found himself having to swallow the rising bile in his throat along with the insult he felt at being so thoughtlessly used his best friend.
"Well, stop." Brian snapped. "I'm sure Ben won't..." Brian saw Michael's small hands bunching into tightly clenched fists at the mention of his life partner's name. Instantly he softened his demeanor, after all, how many times had he used the smaller man in the same way? How the hell did Michael do it? Handling him in this drunken state, holding him so close and still able to resist?
"He doesn't care. It’s over. There’s someone else." Michael whispered before tucking his forehead beneath Brian's chin, his breath tickling against Brian's exposed collarbone. "What is it about me, Bri?"
There were no words for just how much he hated The Professor at this moment and Dr. Dave or anyone and everyone that had ever hurt his Mikey.
"Why do they all leave?"
Brian shivered, knowing there was no safe way to answer Michael's question. The truth was that he really didn't know why. He had no doubts that if Mikey were his he'd never let him go.
And then the answer hit him like a punch in the face. God, it was so fuckin' simple.
"It's you, Mikey."
Michael sniffled drawing the back of his shirtsleeve across his tear stained cheeks. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" he asked a bit defensively. He may not have expected to come to Brian for all the answers, but he certainly didn't expect to be insulted.
"Isn't it obvious?"
A bit of the sadness left Michael leaving a wash of anger in its place. "Are you saying that I didn't try hard enough? That I didn't give them everything I had?"
Gently taking Michael's face in his hands Brian gazed deep into his eyes. Looking deeper, as if he was going into his very soul. Deeper than he had ever thought was possible. As if he was looking for the truth that lay dormant in those dark depths, hoping to see it surface on its own.
"You gave them everything you could, " Brian confirmed, "but it wasn’t and would never be everything. Part of you has always belonged to me. The same way that I couldn’t give Justin everything he wanted. As much as I... I just couldn't give him something that didn't belong to me anymore. My heart hasn't belonged to me for years, Mikey."
"The truth is that you’ve been cheating on them. We belong to each other, Mikey and always have."
"So what your saying is that I'll never be able to make it work with anyone? I'm never going to have a real relationship?" Defeat was evident in every fiber of Michael's being as he slumped down into Brian's arms, physically losing the ability to hold himself up.
Brian continued to hold Michael close, letting his life altering revelation sink in. Brian was surprised at how quickly all of the tension and uncertainty left his body. He couldn't have ever believed that it would be this easy.
"Not if you keep trying to be with the wrong people. Mikey," Brian rasped against his friend's ear. "Lets go to bed."
Brian's mind raced pulling him in opposing directions. Gently, he took Michael's hand knowing that his best friend still hadn't caught on to the change within him. He would never recover if Mikey chose to go back to Ben, but if anyone was worth the risk it was Mikey.
Precariously, as they stumbled up the last few steps to Brian's bedroom, Brian drew Michael flush against him and after seventeen years, allowed his mask to drop away and his true intentions to show.
"Mikey..."
Jennifer Rosen © 2004