***
It's 9 o'clock on a Saturday,
10 o'clock on a Friday, actually.
The regular crowd shuffles in.
Only if 'regular crowd' means me. No one else here but me.
There's an old man sitting next to me
Only if he's really quiet and invisible; and if he is there, then I'm going to start charging him rent or something.
Makin' love to his tonic and gin
That's just ... disturbing.
He says, "Son, can you play me a memory?
'Memory'? What sort of instrument is that? You from deepest, darkest africa or something?
I'm not really sure how it goes
Oh, that's real helpful.
But it's sad and it's sweet and I knew it complete
When I wore a younger man's clothes."
You still are, you fool. You mugged that Yuppie just fifteen minutes ago ... your memory sucks.
La la la, de de da
La la, de de de, da da
You're obviously drunk ... if you throw up in here, I'm calling the cops and you can sleep it off in the holding cells.
Sing us a song, you're the piano man
Me? Play the piano? I'd have more luck trying to design a cold fusion reactor from a paper napkin.
Sing us a song tonight
That's the only time you're going to hear anything, you lush. Them holding cells are looking like a good option right now.
Well, we're all in the mood for a melody
I'm not - personally, I'm in the mood for beating on abusive old drunks.
And you've got the feelin' all right.
That's gas.
Now John at the bar is a friend of mine
He gets me my drinks for free
And that old fart making out with his glass ain't getting any!
And he's quick with a joke, or a light up your smoke
Hope the anti-smoking lobby doesn't find out. Occupational Health & Safety would probably be a tad upset about that as well these days.
But there's someplace he'd rather be.
I think almost anyone would rather be somewhere other than a dingy smoke filled bar, filled with abusive drunks and people who just can't shut up about their insignificant personal problems.
He says, "Bill, I believe this is killing me."
Then stop slamming down those bottles of cleaning fluid, you moron.
As the smile runs away from his face.
Hard to smile when you've just swalled a large amount of harsh cleaning fluids, I don't blame him for losing that grin.
"Well I'm sure that I could be a movie star, If I could get outta this place."
Yeah, go to hollywood with stars in your eyes. End up like most of those with similar naive dreams ... standing on a street corner.
Oh, la la la, de de da
La la, de de de, da da
Great, now he's incoherent. Well, after drinking cleaning agents I suppose I would be as well.
Now Paul is a real estate novelist
Who never had time for a wife.
Translation: He hires a lot of hookers.
Or he's gay.
And now he's talkin' to Davy, who's still in the Navy
If I make a smart ass remark about the navy, Chuck will get annoyed ... better leave that one alone.
And probably will be for life.
Just like prison.
Less chance of being shot in prison, though.
And the waitress is practicing politics
How the hell did all these people get in here?
As the businessman slowly gets stoned
There are DRUGS in here now ... where's that phone? I'm definitely calling the boys in blue...
Yes, they're sharing a drink they call loneliness But it's better than drinkin' alone.
They're high on drugs ... they think they're sharing their drinks with friggin' Abbot and Costello...
It's a pretty good crowd for a Saturday
It's Friday, not Saturday! Moron...
And the manager gives me a smile
If he's trying to crack onto me, I'll deck the bastard.
Because he knows that it's me
they've been comin' to see
Am I some sort of museum piece now? Or is this some kind of freaky meat market? I'm really starting to dislike this whole scene ...
To forget about life for a while.
I think that's already been taken care of between the drugs, hard booze, and cleaning fluids.
And the piano, it sounds like a carnival,
What the ...?
And the microphone smells like a beer.
That's only because that bastard threw up on it before.
And they sit at the bar
and put bread in my jar,
You utter bastards ... you're putting bread in my &#*@ beer! How the #$%#*@ am I supposed to drink it now?!
And say, "Man, what are ya doin' here?"
About to get medieval on your asses for being utter pricks, why do you ask?