Feedback to SteveJanuary 14
President Bush fainted briefly in the White House residence Sunday while choking down a pretzel. / When the pretzel was dislodged and straightened it read Enron.
The role of royal protection officers was under scrutiny last night after friends of Prince Charles expressed concern that they did not stop Prince Harry’s drug-taking and drinking / An international trade is expected, with the Bush twin’s minder going to England, in exchange for Prince Harry’s.
Al Qaeda militants practiced carrying out a mass assassination of world leaders and an attack on a motorcade, according to a video obtained in Afghanistan and broadcast on Australian television. / While the mass assassinations may have scary implications, the motorcade attack lost any scary effect, by the fact the motorcade had to be pulled into place by camels.
Crime
The economic crisis that has gripped Argentina has been blamed for a dramatic fall in the libido of Argentine men. A study has shown that nearly half of the country’s over-fifties say that their interest in sex has fallen because of the economic crisis. / Truthfully the same thing happened to me until I met a girl called Economy; then I was delighted knowing that "Economy was going down."
Crime
Experts said Chinese labourers coerced to work in Japan during World War II were far in excess of 40,000, contradicting claims made in a highly publicized list last week. / Whatever the total ends up being the Japanese can take small Consolation in the fact less Chinese were abused by Japanese then by the Chinese governments.
Officials in White Bear township Minnesota have set up a motion detector and two floodlights to nab the person who's been defecating by its water tower. "We don't know what's motivating the midnight pooper,'' says the clerk/treasurer. / Seems obvious, the person is a shit distributor er disturber.
Seeking a replacement for the Archbishop of Canterbury Church officials carried out their investigation into front runner Dr Nazir-Ali’s background last month. The inquiry found it unimportant he’d been Roman Catholic but centered on false claims that the bishop lied about his age and fabricated his academic qualifications. / If these allegations prove true, it’s expected the Bishop should have a fine career as coach of some major American sports team.
Libyan President Muammar Gaddafi has bought 6.4 million shares of soccer team Gianni Agnelli Juventus. / Will his sponsorship of terrorism never stop?
As stated earlier, President Bush fainted briefly in the White House residence Sunday while choking down a pretzel. / Reviving Bush was a secret service agent who diligently applied his tongue to the President’s posterior; he referred to this as the "hiney-lick" maneuver.
Today CBS commentator Andy Rooney is 83. Former CBS newsman George Herman is 82. / CBS, Cantankerous Bitching Seniors.
January 15,
Joking about the pretzel incident President Bush stated "Mother always said to chew before swallowing." / Commenting on the statement former President Clinton response was " I’m sure glad the same thing wasn’t taught by Monica’s mom.
Apparently an aide brought to Prince Charles attention the smell of cannabis emanating from Prince Harry direction. / In fairness to Charles he hardly can be expected to be all nose and ears.
The CIA suspects Osama left Afghanistan in December but nevertheless are continuing their bombing. / I’m guessing they have a collection of bombs with a soon to expire date to get rid of.
A Chinese businessman was kidnapped in the Philippines. This despite the Philippine government’s vow to crack down on kidnapping after 88 in eleven months last year. / It seems after you release a Chinese kidnap victim that an hour later you wish to kidnap another.
The British Museum last night ruled out any possibility of the Elgin Marbles being returned to Greece. / Quite surprising - always seemed to me that the Brits were forever losing their marbles.
Aides to President Bush have fervently denied any possible involvement by him in Enron. / "Hey" they said, "He can’t even manage the mastication of his own food.
A Newport Beach man says a city policy exempting meter fees for churchgoers violates the separation of church and state and therefore has launched a federal suit. / Offering a compromise I’m sure male congregrants would be happy with a meter attached to the minister and him being devoted to saving you money.
Hounded by pet lovers, South Korean dogmeat proponents were forced to postpone a major event planned for this week to promote canine cuisine and fight off international critics. / What a shame, they’re natural allies, they both love dogs.
Former Hooters waitress Jennifer Gilpin says she thought the $3,940 she got from a customer was a gift for breast enlargement surgery. "He said he wanted me to feel better about myself," she says. But the 53-year-old man insists it was only a loan, and he's gone to court to get the money back. / No word whether she had the courtesy to say "Thanks for the mammaries."
In 1943 the world's largest office building received the final touches as the air conditioning system was completed. Today, the 6.5-million-square foot Pentagon in Arlington, Virginia, is still the headquarters of the United States military. / Originally it was suppose to be Tri-agon but military planning and spending….
January 16
Prime Minister Chretien shuffled his cabinet yesterday. Poetic journalists equate it to the famous walk Trudeau took in the snow before resigning. / I’m not talking about the winter’s mildness, but more appropriate I believe would be "walk through the slush."
Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer is for sale for $7-billion American. The studio has over 4,000 movies in their vaults. / Sorry guys you want to sell something valuable in the movie business sell some of that popcorn action.
Scientists are puzzled by what they’re labeling a "virgin" birth of a shark. / First shark attacks, then birth of a "virgin" shark - what next; a star in the eastern sky with three wise sharks showing up? After all it’s the age of those found in aquariums.
Contestants on the hit television show ''The Weakest Link'' would win more if they banked their earnings after each right answer or held their nerve until six right responses, mathematicians said. / Perhaps knowing more right answers would help too.
A Trinidad hospital that found a skeleton in a small room near a patients' ward was investigating on Wednesday how a body languished for months unnoticed and who the dead person was. / It’s believed that Calista Flockhart uses that hospital.
Troops are guarding groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil./ Did I just hear a whoosh as America heaved a collective sigh of relief.
Foreign nurses are being taught British idioms and humor to help them cope with the challenges of working in Britain, a hospital said Tuesday. / Of course some unscrupulous orderlies are having sexual relations with these women and jokingly referring to it as a STD test.
A smuggler who flew into Taiwan with dozens of live turtles, lizards, giant cockroaches, frogs, snakes and spiders crammed in his carry-on luggage has been caught at Taipei International Airport, officials said on Tuesday. / The man should escape charges of importing endangered or any other animals if he tries explaining these are part of his regular dietary intake.
A referee suspended for scoring a goal while taking charge of a minor league game has resigned after being found guilty of bringing the game into disrepute. Referee, Brian Savill was taking charge of a Great Bromley Cup game in the South of England on September 22 between Earls Colne Reserves and Wimpole 2000. With 10 minutes remaining and Wimple trailing 18-1, Savill found the ball at his feet in front of the Earls Colne goal and promptly banged it into the net, before signaling a goal. / Dastardly, imagine the impact on the point-spread?
A mother of three children in Peacehaven England became so fed up with Jehovah’s Witnesses calling at her home that she interrupted their Sunday service by banging on their church door and offering them free magazines. / Fortunately, unfortunately nothing happened at the scene, but perhaps bad news for the rest of us; as consequently, the notoriety landed the woman a job as telemarketer.
January 17,
Iraq won't be caught off guard if attacked by U.S. forces, declared President Saddam Hussein. / Apparently the shipment of running shoes and white flags has arrived.
Put an X beside "X Files" after this season. Variety reports that the current ninth season of the supernatural thriller series will be its last, and the show will wrap for good in May. / Sure just before they reveal…
Amid speculation that Kmart Corp. could seek bankruptcy protection, the troubled retailer announced some key management changes and said it was continuing to review its finances. / They’re hoping to find some bargain deals on some Enron managers.
As his country free falls into economic chaos, Argentinean President Eduardo Duhalde has laid the blame on his predecessors' unabashed embracing of U.S.-backed free-market policies. / What? He isn’t impressed with rising American unemployment, the success of Enron, Ford, the travel industry and…
The Bush administration is reorganizing antitrust enforcement. / They’re doing so by doing away with it, afterall unfettered greed seems to work well for Republican donors.
"DaimlerChrysler North America leads Toyota by 4 per cent of market share, and we will be growing," stated their president and chief executive Dieter Zetsche. Adding, "I see no scenario whatsoever where Toyota will pass us in share."/ Remember the 1970’s when these executives were saying "Americans would have no interest in foreign gas-efficient compact-cars."
In Toronto two men who skinned a live cat face up to 2 1/2 years in prison for their gruesome crime. / Really a heinous thing to do, plus they didn’t even bother trying to find another way to skin it.
Haligonian Mary Corbin, is suing McDonald’s, claiming her waitress was negligent in not ensuring a lid was fitted properly; consequently, when she raised the drink to her mouth, the lid flew off and the entire contents spilled, scalding her from the centre of her breasts to her navel. / Of course most males showing interest are wondering if she’s representing a large or small case.
Children in a primary school class in northern England had 13 teachers in just 14 weeks, reflecting countrywide staff shortages./ What a culture difference, in America that would represent twelve shootings.
Swaziland has given up a global search for a hangman and is thinking of switching to lethal injection for its death row inmates to end a 19-year hiatus in executions, stated their justice minister. / Finally an area where George Bush has expertise and can consult.
January 18
American airports are beginning inspection of all checked baggage. / Disgruntled, misunderstanding Scottish groups cried "Nay what does it matter our luggage be checked or plaid we be proud of the family tartan.
American aircraft dropped leaflets over Afghanistan Friday depicting fugitive Taliban leader Mullah Mohammad Omar as a dog, held on a leash by Saudi-born militant Osama bin Laden / Drooling Koreans inquired "Where you get such meaty dog?"
Four members of the International Committee of the Red Cross arrived Thursday to meet with U.S. officials and interview dozens of al-Qaida and Taliban prisoners being held at Guantanamo Bay Naval Base. / Meanwhile a plethora of Cubans observing the conditions of the prisoners have declared themselves also members of the Taliban.
Frequent sex won't increase the chances of a heart attack in middle-aged men, research has shown. / However, death from a shotgun blast remains high if the person you’re having sex with is someone else’s partner.
After $340,000 was mistakenly put into their bank account, Jeffrey and Kimberly Clark of Brunswick Maine headed to stores and shopped until they spent all the money. The bank is suing, but the couple's lawyer says the Clarks intend to repay the institution. "If they felt they were in the wrong, then why are they still living in Brunswick?" asks the attorney. "Why didn't they just take off? / $340,000. question, why didn’t they just take off?
Located in Switzerland Europe's first brothel catering for women has gone bankrupt because customers refused to pay up. / Amazing! It’s almost like women seeking sex rather than paying simply have to let men know.
The 4,130 inhabitants of the small Bavarian town of Inzell are building up a thirst. The reason? Local speedskater Anni Friesinger has promised to throw a three-day party with free beer for everyone if she wins gold at the Salt Lake City Winter Games. Friesinger is quite fast winning all of her 1500-meters and 3000/5000m World Cup races this season. / She however may not be bright; she plans on getting her gold medal bronzed.
The headless body of a man was found stuffed in a trash bin Thursday at a southwest Los Angeles apartment complex, police said. / Hardly surprising given how many get head and lose their heads there.
``Luxury disgusts me.'' Stated Italian fashion designer Giorgio Armani, creator of some of the world's most expensive clothes. / Adding, "However, I love to be disgusted."
This day in 1996, Lisa Marie Presley-Jackson filed for divorce from Michael Jackson. / They truly amazed everyone as most people thought the only way their beautiful wedded bliss would possibly end was with annulment.
January 21
England’s Prince Harry is considering a career in the military. / First he experiments with alcohol, drugs, women, now he wishes to be in a mostly male dominated environment; what’s he experimenting with next?
Today is Martin Luther King Day in the United States. / Probably the last great American leader of any importance whose dreams wouldn’t sound like a title for a Jerry Springer show.
Two US Marines were killed and five injured two critically, when their helicopter crashed in Afghanistan Sunday, a US military official said. / Truly tragic; the big question, if you’re inflicting more harm to yourself than the enemy is to you and the enemy is beyond being damaged anymore when do you stop?
The city of New York was going to put up a statue to commemorate the three firefighters that placed an American flag at ground zero. The three were all white so the politically correct suggested instead their should be am Afro-American a Latino-American and a white. The participants and others got upset so now the city is considering no statue or two, with the second representing racial diversification. / Since Blacks represent 2.7% and Latinos 3.2 I suggest let the pigeons perhaps dream of another home.
Scientists at the Reproductive Genetics Institute in Chicago say lesbian couples could soon be able to have children who share both their genes using a fertility technique that would treat cells taken from one woman, turning them into artificial sperm that would fertilize the other woman’s eggs. / Great another fallback employment opportunity gone.
Great Britain plans on closing half of its post offices in the next five years. / I suppose if their people have a complaint, e-mail.
More than 25 listening devices have been found on the new American-built aircraft of Chinese President Jiang Zemin / Sheepish American Intelligence officials stated "We did it just to bug him." What?
The uplifting schizophrenic genius drama A Beautiful Mind led winners at last night's Golden Globes with four awards, including best drama and best actor for star Russell Crowe. / Who’d have thought a movie about schizophrenia would have anything besides a split vote?
A major British sex shop chain, citing a recent survey that showed 80 percent of women faked their climax during intercourse, said it is declaring July 31 National Orgasm Day. / I imagine it will be come-as-you-are event.
More than 70 garden gnomes were found on the steps of a cathedral in northeastern France after an undercover operation by the shadowy Garden Gnome Liberation Front. / Truly news that dwarves any other.
January 22,
It’s official. K-Mart has declared bankruptcy. / Does this mean the number of trailer parks declined?
Mike Tyson held a press conference today, which deteriorated into a brawl. / If only he could harness that anger into something that would pay him.
Two Sandy Valley, Tennessean men who were accused of forcing a deer poacher and his companion to eat the liver and heart of an illegally shot deer instead of reporting the incident to police will not be charged with any crimes, a Hawkins County grand jury decided Monday. / Also working against the poacher his Chinese herbalist declared "Never has he been more virile and healthy."
Studies show men actually live longer if engaging in sex twice a week. / For those of the female gender not willing to assist us men I’ve put together SWINE-OF Suing Women Interested Not Exchanging Of Fluids
Six percent of all American men are killed by either their wife or girlfriend - or wife who caught them with their girlfriend. / That leaves eighty percent of American involved with poorshooters and fourteen percent involved in a relationship that’s attempting to conceal they’re gay.
After a ten-year decline in auto theft rates, newly released statistics indicate auto theft is on the rise in the United States. / Great! Something in the economy finally showing higher numbers.
In Akron public urination was charged under the old public indecency laws city prosecutors had trouble nailing offenders under that law because it requires proof that someone was ``affronted.'' So, prosecutors decided, why not charge them with littering? ``Littering provides that you may not deposit stuff on the ground - you must deposit it in a container. / I’m confused - will a relieved merchant be one that required a deposit or no deposit?
In Tennessee, Goodlettsville Middle School students accused a fifth-grade teacher of saying yesterday that she needed to bring a gun to school to ''control the class,'' Metro police said. /Highly understandable, however; she brings a gun the students reply with an Uzi; the whole thing just escalates.
On this date in 1901, Britain's Queen Victoria died at age 82. / Talk about impeccable timing, she did it just at the end of the Victorian age.
Ohio University student Angela Heck was excited about appearing on the cheerleader edition of "Weakest Link," but school officials ruined her fun by prohibiting her from wearing her uniform. Now she can't be on the show. A school spokeswoman says: "There are pretty strict guidelines on how the uniform can be used. / Apparently it would be a confusing message displaying a uniform which usually means perhaps some athleticism skill with something that perhaps might represent intelligence.
January 23,
American President George Bush has announced plans for a $48bn increase in defence spending to fight the war on terror. An increase of nearly fifteen percent. / I wondered how you thanked those wonderful party donors.
Martha Stewart is vowing to stay with K-Mart despite being owed about $13 million to Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia at the time of Tuesday's filing, but added that the company is confident Kmart will take steps to make payments as fully and promptly as possible. / Ms. Warmth, herself added and ve vill take steps to make sure payments are full and prompt.
Transportation Secretary Norman Mineta gave the U.S. Conference of Mayors a glowing report Wednesday on his agency's progress in the aftermath of the September 11 terror attacks. Mineta assured the mayors that the Bush administration was on track and committed to ensuring the safety and security of America's cities. / Mineta added if you’re not convinced of the great job I do, ask me again and I’ll tell you again.
John Walker the American captured while fighting alongside the Taliban in Afghanistan is expected to arrive late Wednesday in the United States to face trial. / What a culture shock he’ll experience adapting to the new American order where Consumerism is the method to fight terrorism.
In England the House of Lords is to decide a test case action over whether the marriages of transsexuals should be given legal recognition. / Guys wearing powdery wigs and black robes deciding the fate of transsexuals?
Down in Australia a commuter train crashed into a kangaroo north of Sydney, causing delays for commuters into Australia's largest city, a spokeswoman said/ Perhaps not so ironically the commuters were hopping mad.
Oregon Air Force reservists left for Utah on Sunday to help with Olympic Winter Games security a day after their departure was delayed by weather. Snow, freezing rain and poor visibility in Salt Lake City kept 15 members of the 939th Rescue Wing grounded Saturday morning. / Please terrorists we beg you no attacks unless it’s a beautiful sunny day especially in Oregon or Washington which never or hardly never have rain.
A stolen Marc Chagall painting, for which authorities received a ransom note demanding Middle East peace, may have been found by a Kansas postal worker amid undelivered mail. / In fairness to the postal service, whom could you deliver that to?
In Mercer Pennsylvania Mayor Christopher D. Portman a 19-year-old college freshman, - says his high school cheerleader girlfriend is really swell. "I compare her to a Laura Bush," he says of Kim Lange. "She's very kind and sweet and stays in the background. You couldn't find a nicer girl. A lot of girls my age just want to party, get drugged up and have sex, and I'm not into those things. / A nineteen-year-old male not interested in sex with the girlfriend? I believe Mayor Portman has left the closet.
A Junior Girl Scout leader noticed that two $20 bills used to buy the girls' cookies were made of yellowish paper had identical serial numbers and no watermarks. Initially, the girls "couldn't believe that somebody would on purposely try to hurt them. / Sorry girls, not to be sexist but males are possibly colour-blind in the rainbow of colours of American money; you didn’t detect yellow, the boys are taught "be prepared" are the girls taught "let us show you our cookies?"
January 24
Canadian soldiers deployed in Afghanistan will get sand-coloured desert boots and arid-patterned covers for their helmets and rucksacks. / I always wondered about the fuschia and magenta uniforms but is Afghanistan mountainous region not dessert-like.
Afghanistan's national carrier made its first international flight Thursday in nearly 2 1/2 years, its lone Boeing 727 taking off from Kabul to New Delhi. / Now this is why I don’t trust statisticians they claim it’s the safest airline for 2 ½ years.
Washington and Libya are talking, acknowledging, "There have been conversations, but Libya knows what is has to do," said White House spokesman Ari Fleischer. "And that is to follow the United Nations policies about paying reparations for the victims of the attack at Lockerbie, as well as apologize for the attack. And that has not yet taken place."/ Libya response was actually "I thought love meant never having to say you’re sorry."
Some aid has reached the residents of Goma following the eruption Thursday of Mount Nyiragongo, which sent lava flows that destroyed some 40 percent of the town./ Before anymore arrive may I suggest though well-intentioned lava lamps are absolutely no aid.
Ronald Castle a supervisor with the Onondaga County Department of Social Services in New York State was charged with lewdness, after confessing to masturbating into six female employees’ coffee cups. / The women previously wondered why he giggled ridiculously when asking, "cream with that?"
In South Florida, two gunmen held up a bank in Key Largo, stole a teller's car, hijacked a boat, kidnapped its owner -- then went on a wild three-hour boat ride to Miami, where they hailed a cab, scurried about and then disappeared. / So far it’s only the boat’s owner claiming it was a ‘three-hour tour.’
Police say Robert Hedrick, called a Columbus radio show from his cellphone just before he boarded the plane in Pittsburgh and said he had passed through airport security wearing a knife in his belt. The FBI arrested him after his plane landed. / Elsewhere another collection of FBI agents locked a barn door after the horses disappeared.
The Penryn Pennsylvania police department has refused to direct traffic at a YMCA triathlon because it says the club promotes witchcraft by reading Harry Potter books to children. / Those doubting the power of witchcraft should note how it’s turned the police from protectors of children into A-holes.
Burton Watring of Racine Wisconsin is finally an Eagle Scout at age 72. / Burton claims those visits to Mistress Wanda finally paid off as he learned between beatings to tie that knot that had been eluding him till now.
Speaking on Extra, Janet Jackson stated ``Touring is very grueling. It's very taxing on the body and living out of your suitcase, going from city to city, night after night. It's a tough job.''/ I’m sure if it weren’t for the celebrity and money it would be impossible to carry on.
January 25,
The Pope led leaders; Muslims, Jews, Buddhists and Hindus in praying against violence, war and terrorism, and for justice, peace, forgiveness, life and love. / Truly beautiful sentiments until after the prayer session the Pope questioned the effects of including nonChrist believers that failed to recognize the ascendancy of the Papacy.
Bill Graham, Canada’s new Foreign affairs Minister stated yesterday he "hopes to foster a brotherly relationship with the United States and will avoid lecturing when the two nations disagree on Foreign Policy. / Put simply, Canada, America’s toady.
Defeating the Taliban has resulted in poppy fields returning to Afghanistan. / To paraphrase:
In Afghani fields poppies grow
Soon to be turned into opium you know
America claims they won a war with a shrug
And nobody cares who dies on the street from this drug
Tomorrow is Australia Day commemorating the arrival of the first European settlers there. / The original Aboriginal women not having a firm grasp of the English language were disappointed to find the settlers were from a penal institution.
Fifty Vietnamese cooks plan to make a monster sticky rice cake capable of feeding 20,000 Vietnamese people planning to celebrate Vietnam's lunar new year next month. / The cake can do that or feed a meeting of a dozen Jenny Craig members.
Promising to invigorate Colombians in the struggle against war and corruption, a presidential candidate startled drivers by handing out samples of impotence drug Viagra. / The candidate isn’t well known, but already considered a comer.
A man, distraught about the recent suicide of his son and apparently wanting to commit suicide also, jumped into the lion pit at Lisbon zoo where he was attacked and killed by a lioness. / His wife upset by the double tragedy and wishing to join the family’s males, jumped into the cage as well but survived, as they were man-eating tigers.
In England, horse trainer Ted Caine is under increasing pressure to retire horse-racing's all-time loser Quixall Crossett, now aged 17, as concerns about the elderly gelding's welfare have come from animal charity officials and the Jockey Club. / Commenting on his status the horse whinnied "Where was the concern for my welfare before they turned me into a gelding?
A Japanese civil servant was arrested Thursday for repeatedly groping a woman on a crowded commuter train over the course of nearly two years, police said./ In his defense the man said "Two years; I figured she liked it.
In Tampa Nikki Youngblood a 17-year-old lesbian, wanted to wear a black suit jacket, white shirt and tie for her yearbook photo, but the school said she couldn't. Youngblood is claiming discrimination, while the school's lawyer says: "The next year, you might have 10 boys dressing as girls and vice versa. / You’d think there would be some suitable cravat or caveat.
January 28
One of Johnny Walker's Islamic teachers admits Walker was rather keen on the concept of four wives. / Poor Walker; growing up with California’s monogamous and communal property laws; perhaps all that was required was moving to Utah?
Former Enron vice chairman, Clifford Baxter’s death is being considered a suicide. / Dispassionate Enron executives commenting stated "We didn’t even know he was Japanese."
In a Brazilian prison, prisoners are being offered sixty-three cents a day plus a day off their sentence for refurbishing surfboards. / You know the prison is sincere, for those sentenced to life, they’ve contracted John Edward from Crossing Over to determine when that starts.
Santa Cruz, California, trying to discourage loungers and loiterers, is piping classical music into its downtown core. / I’m not sure they have rid themselves of loiterers and loungers but the Seven-Eleven’s are finding a decrease in sales of potato and taco chips and increase in canapés and cocktail franks sales.
A survey of Americans finds that the majority of them feel the Republican Party more than the Democratic Party has something to do with Enron. / However, most thought Bush, the father, had something to do with Iran-Contra, brother Jeb, with collapsing Savings and Loans and the present President Bush with Funeralgate, however since none of these involve sex, who cares?
The teams for the Super Bowl were decided this weekend with it being the Patriots and the Rams. / Security has also started getting serious, conducting the first of safety sweeps for possible dangers, it has insured only Jell-O, pudding and soup are in the President’s snack pantry.
The Bush administration is becoming embroiled in designating how to classify the detainees at Guantanamo. Powell, preferring something like a POW status, and Cheney and Rumsfeld admantant definitely opposed. / The President seems to have resolved the trouble by labeling them evildoers.
PanCanadian Energy and Alberta Energy have joined forces becoming the world’s biggest independent oil and gas producer. / Canadians can only wait and see if they’re fortunate enough to have an Enron.
A court in southern Vietnam has sentenced a man to nine years in prison for causing the death of his father-in-law by biting off part of his ear. / Who knew Mike Tyson was in Vietnam?
Designate Mark Sokow lucky or unlucky. In September he was in the south tower when the north tower of the World Trade Center was attacked; he escaped unscathed. Yesterday he was in Jerusalem where the suicide bomber attacked; he suffered minor injuries. / Not exactly complaining, Sokow remarked "I’m a cautious man I won’t use the Baskin Robbins across from my synagogue the days you’ll find meeting in the synagogue’s basement- Weight Watchers.
January 29
The crane game, similar to the one found in the movie "Toy Story" has been declared illegal by an Ontario court. The court making the ruling found the game to have "an overwhelming degree of chance and merely a dash of skill. / Players, who’ve enjoyed the game, should look for it refined; having zero degrees of chance and skill and being the next lottery-type game.
In hockey the New Jersey Devils have fired coach Larry Robinson. / In sports, the axiom is coaches are "hired to be fired;" does this finally make Robinson a success story?
In British Columbia their provincial government faces labour unrest. / A nonrelated, perhaps interesting side-note is these governments elected in Canada facing labour unrest are opposed to cloning yet seem clones of each other.
Yesterday was Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day. / Alas the world has changed greatly since September 11th, in most countries jittery federal employees didn’t partake in the festivities.
Sales of new homes reached an all time high last year in the United States. However the government refuses to state if that actually means more homeless people purchased cardboard boxes.
Power-hungry Thailand plans to get the most out of its prison population; by turning their excrement into gas. / Wonderful; except for the constipated prisoner who's mistakenly taken for protesting and has the crap beat out of him.
Somali pirates who had seized a Lebanese-flagged cargo ship and its crew in the Red Sea freed their captives in return for an undisclosed ransom, the owner of the vessel said. / No word if captured what will be the pirate's penance.
More than 2,000 people took an icy plunge into the Danube in near-freezing temperatures intentionally. The oldest 75-year-old Robert Winkler was taking part for the 23rd time. / Remarked Winkler, "If I ever find the bastard that keeps pushing me in, he's dead."
A Chinese captain with no maps steered a tanker full of highly explosive fuel the wrong way up the English Channel as ships scattered from its path. / It's believed Exxon Human Resources have sent him a recruiter.
One year ago today President Bush promised to "act boldly and swiftly" to address the nation's energy problems, and directed Vice President Dick Cheney to head a task force to develop an energy strategy. / Unfortunately the strategy was put everything in Enron.
January 30
Noelle Bush daughter of Jeb and niece of George was arrested yesterday on a charge of fraudulently trying to obtain the prescription anti-anxiety drug Xanax. / In fairness to the girl, if you knew as much about the Bush family as she must, you too would probably need an anti-anxiety drug.
King Fahd of Saudi Arabia has pardoned 13,768 prisoners in jail for minor offenses; to commemorate his twentieth anniversary in power, / Commenting one of the prisoners stated, "you really have to give the king a hand or what ever body appendage he plans to severe as part of your punishment before release.
A man armed with a hunting rifle, surrendered peacefully to police in Gaspe after keeping them at bay for several hours. Police state they don’t know what drove the man. / Not sure how this will help them, but I believe investigation will find it was a Jeep Cherokee.
An eighty-year-old man with dementia who disappeared from the Vancouver General Hospital emergency room was found dead in one of the hospital’s mechanical rooms. / You know the hospital is totally remorseful about the incident; they’re offering to discount the patient’s billing by ten per-cent.
The Nevada State Athletic Commission has voted against sanctioning a Mike Tyson fight. / A spokesperson stated, Nevada may have drugs, gun running, legal prostitution and gambling, but we must take some moral stand.
President Bush delivered his state of the union address. / He said, "no states should have any unions, or minimum wage laws, it all but for CEO’s salaries should be based upon laws of supply and demand.
In Canada a federal government accounting error has resulted in a $3.3billion overpayment to four provinces. Ontario Finance Minister, Jim Flaherty states of Ontario’s $2.8billion, "finders keepers."/ Flaherty, however, vows to immediately correct the overpayment they gave welfare recipient, Joseph Hardluck after he declared his parents $150. Christmas present as income.
American President George Bush, in his State of the Union speech yesterday, said, "America’s war on terrorism is just starting."/ He added, "get ready to lose an increasing amount of civil liberties to protect democracy."
One year ago Republicans pushed John Ashcroft's attorney general nomination to the Senate floor by a narrow 10-8 Judiciary Committee vote; all but one Democrat voted against him. / The margin of the vote was considered as thin as the sheets he once wore.
Today in 1835 President Andrew Jackson was the first U.S. president to become the target of an assassination attempt. The would-be assassin, Richard Lawrence, pulled a gun, which misfired, after which President Jackson struck him with his cane. Lawrence then pulled a second gun, which also misfired. / (It’s believed Lawrence coined the NRA’s slogan "guns don’t kill people."
January 31
Advanced Cell Technology of Worcester, Massachusetts used cells from cloned cow embryos to grow kidney-like organs that perform the same function as real kidneys. / Pardon, that’s boring; now if they reproduced a cow teat that would be udderly amazing.
Chad Tucker, class president of the United States Air Force Academy class has been charged with stealing $9,000 from the cadet fund and consequently could face up to eighty-nine years jail time. / It’s believed a contrite Tucker feels Les Miserables about this.
Police investigating the theft of an Amazon parrot from a house in Ross-On-Wye, Herefordshire, say the bird will be easily identifiable because it speaks with a broad Yorkshire accent. / Sure, now, but what happens after the thieves train it to say, "The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain."
Golfers have a new $1500. driver encrusted with diamonds to give a larger sweet spot and allow the ball to be propelled greater distances./ At $1500, time will tell how many diamonds golfers will produce in a rough.
President Bush wishes to cut back on job-training for workers who become unemployed. / In fairness to Bush it wasn’t like he had any training to be president.
Canadian supply teacher Amy Gehring faces charges in Guildford, England of seducing two teenage students. / Without knowing the facts, let me speculate perhaps Gehring's problems originate from her place of origin. She’s from a place called Otterville. Of course ville meaning village and otter referring to beaver-like.
Stolen electricity used to nourish home-grown marijuana operations is costing Waterloo Region and Guelph utility companies about $2-million a year./ You’d have to guess an illegal marijuana operation would come with a "high" price.
In response to President Bush’s speech, stating it was part of the "axis of evil"; Iran has declared Bush stupid. / They further added, "Muslim countries rubber, non-Muslim countries glue, whatever you say about us bounces off and sticks to the supporters of the Jew.
Today’s birthdays include Norman Mailer, Phil Collins, Nolan Ryan and Justin Timberlake. / Somebody that knows how to zing them for fame, sing them for fame, ding them for fame and cling to them for fame.
Today in 1865, Robert E. Lee was named general-in-chief of all the Confederate armies. / A somewhat confused George Bush asked Dick Cheney, "Now, if they had won, would I have been delivering a state of the confederacy address instead?"
February 1
Canadian Defense Minister Art Eggleton vowed he’ll never allow American soldiers to be permanently based in Canada, even if the Americans wish to have permanent military headquarters. / Americans permanently based in Canada? What next; the Americans controlling our economy?
Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon says he's sorry he didn't liquidate Yasser Arafat while he had a chance twenty years ago. / I guess its true, only love means never having to say you’re sorry,
Earl Edney says Patricia Lowe shoved him to the floor and kicked him in a tournament at Warkworth. / Any guy can testify, being kicked in the tournament is the greatest of all pain.
Canadian teacher Amy Gehring’s lawyer, Andrew Thompson, has used contrary evidence supplied by students to poke holes into the prosecution’s case. / Hmn, thought the prosecution’s case was about a hole being poked.
The fetus will be considered a "child" from the moment of conception and qualify for federal health-care benefits, President Bush announced. / Seems cradle to grave health-care is federal interference with life, whereas health-care from conception to cradle is federal responsibility.
In Toronto, because male police officers were used on a lesbian bathhouse raid, liquor charges have been dropped. / That’s liquor charges not lick her charges.
Francois Fernandez aged 96 and 94-year-old Madeleine Francineau of Clapiers, France became the world’s oldest newlyweds today. / They’re expected to spend their remaining days consummating the marriage.
A village priest in Andalusia has become the first Roman Catholic Church official in Spain to publicly declare he is homosexual. / It became apparently very obvious, when he displayed an erection when male members knelt to take Eucharist and nothing happened with the female members.
Today in 1920 the Canadian Northwest Mounted Police merged with the Dominion Police, forming the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. / Their motto "We always get our man" until clarified, attracted a disproportionately large number of gay recruits.
This day in 1979 after 15 years in exile, the Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini returned to Iran. / I guess we can be thankful some obscure religious leader of some Mid-Eastern nation has no global impact
February 4
Yesterday was Super Bowl and the Patriots won. / Seems being a patriot this year insures some success.
Lawmakers plan to issue a subpoena tomorrow for former Enron chief Kenneth Lay. / Last administration it was Clinton’s lays; are Republicans just obsessed with going from one lay to the next?
During yesterday’s Super Bowl Marlboro maker Philip Morris ran two ads that encouraged parents to warn their children against smoking. / It may have been more effective if before riding off on his horse the Marlboro Man didn’t cast back a "just kidding" wink.
State officials are investigating Northern Kentucky's vehicle emission testing centers after a motorist said employees offered to pass his car if he didn't tell authorities he had seen employees mooning each other/ In fairness to the employees, there’s something called autosuggestion and perhaps piping in "Blue Moon of Kentucky Keep on Shining" wasn’t the wisest idea.
In Wadsworth Township Ohio, depressed over his family breakup, Michael Fair climbed up a 250-foot communications tower. Deputies, who had been talking to the man over a loudspeaker for nearly two hours, heard from one of Fair's pals that he likes McDonald's coffee. They offered him a cup, and down he came. / How do you spell endorsement deal?
Celine Dion left her career at its peak two years ago to have a child and live as normal a life as possible. Now, she says, she's ready to come back. / It seems baby needs new shoes, but only the kind that kind that can be bought with Dion appearing five nights a week for three years at Caesar's Palace hotel in Las Vegas for a reported $100 million.
An Environics poll found two of three Canadians surveyed favour the election of Supreme Court justices. / If you’re optimistic about Canadians, that means a full third considered the bother and the expense of elections.
Kangaroo steak has been stripped from the menu for next month's Commonwealth summit in Australia for fear of offending the important guests. / First they scratch donkey meat because of its implications of cannibalism, now this.
Yesterday marked the anniversary of when in1690; the first paper money in America was issued by the colony of Massachusetts. / Of course nervous settlers waited for an announcement from Alan Greenspan before feeling comfortable about its usage.
On February 4, 1789, electors unanimously chose George Washington to be the first president of the United States. / Truthfully, it wasn’t unanimous, but brother Jebidiah Washington helped with the count in Florida.
February 5
The American government has started an ad campaign that says, "drug use aids terrorism." / I’m not sure whether drug use aids terrorism but I think terrorism has aided the dope.
According to the Canadian Medical association Journal "hockey puts unfit hearts in danger."/ You needn’t tell any Leaf fan that, though it seems they were talking about one playing shinny themselves.
The American Academy of Pediatricians are urging states to extend adoption rights to homosexual couples. / I guess there’s nothing wrong with that providing the children aren’t reared by homosexual parents.
Canadian teacher, Amy Gehring has been found not guilty. / I wonder if we’ll ever hear the hole story.
Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen still fifteen-years-old were in Toronto yesterday. The twins worth is $!-billion. / It’s always nice when years of hard work and contributing to the betterment of mankind is rewarded.
Kenneth Lay’s wife Linda reports that they’re fighting for liquidity, she makes this claim despite the fact that at very least they own property worth over $30-million. / Geez, if I had that kind of liquidity I could transform the world’s desserts into oceans.
Three Germans are due to stand trial for selling about 100,000 fake Viagra pills. / Their unfortunate customers found the only place where they were stiffed was on the sale.
An adult female hippopotamus attacked and fatally killed a woman who was photographing her calf. / Seems some species get very upset about the extra twenty pounds the camera adds.
Today in 1953 Walt Disney's 14th animated feature, "Peter Pan," premiered at New York's Roxy Theater. / Peter Pan is the story of a child that never ages, thereby making it the prequel to the Dick Clark story.
On today’s date in 1971 Alan Shepherd hit a golf ball on the moon his third swing was a success, and the ball flew "miles and miles. / Take that Tiger Woods, you don’t own all golf’s records.
February 6
Assassination notes found indicate Bill Clinton was an Al-Qaeda target when president. /The mission may have been aborted because they thought it was already accomplished after misunderstanding of a news release claiming "Clinton Blown."
Some members of the Canadian government and opposition are upset with the Canadian military turning over enemy captives to the Americans before they’re labeled terrorists or prisoners of war. / In fairness to the Canadians it seems the Americans aren’t clear how they make that judgment either.
Disabilities have replaced sex-related concerns as the leading concern to the Human Rights Commission. / Interestingly, no mention where sexual disabilities placed.
Mormons are promising not to use the Olympics to promote their religion. / If we can get them to agree to that condition, I say, " go ahead let the Jehovah Witnesses host the next one.
The Free University of Berlin has no tuition fees and no deadlines for completing a degree; consequently it has had one student ninety-two semesters or forty-six years. / Claims the student’s mother, "we’re not spoiling the child as soon as they graduate they must leave home and support their father and me.
Lana Nguyen who used her ex-husband’s credentials to teach software engineering at the University of Regina pleaded guilty to personation and forgery. / Authorities tumbled onto Nguyen when she proved non-nerdy.
Obesity in France is reaching epidemic proportions according to a health government health report. / What’s terribly sad to older people is Bridgette Bardot’s protests against harpooning whales are mostly about self-preservation.
On Thursday nights in Dayton Tennessee, the local McDonald’s hosts a two-hour show of gospel music. / I’m not sure about gospel music, but I wouldn’t advise dining at McDonald’s without prayer.
Former President Ronald Reagan is 91today. / In fairness, it should be pointed out only the last forty-two years, he’s been senile.
Today in 1788, Massachusetts became the sixth state to ratify the U.S. Constitution. / After the signing, the Kennedy’s partied at their compound, where Edward got shit-faced.
February 07
CIA Director George Tenet announced Al-Qaida remained a serious threat but that intelligence couldn’t anticipate all threats. / In other words, send money but don’t necessarily expect results.
The number of Americans making millions rose since 1995, however their taxes went down. / For the rich this is the definition of "life’s ups and downs."
Celebrating the Queen’s Golden Jubilee Bryan Adams has a portrait of her highness being exhibited. / Those in the know claim for a singer Adams is a fine portrait artist and as a portrait artist he’s a fine singer.
The American Federal Drug Administration is ready to approve the sale of Botox for cosmetic use. / Great just what every guy wants, a woman with the face of a twenty-nine-year-old and body of a sixty-year-old.
Mohammed Sayyed Tantawi, the highest authority in Sunni Islam, has renewed a ruling that suicide bombers who kill civilians aren’t martyrs under Islam. / In other news, Hammas has declared Mohammed Sayyed Tantawi a Mossad agent and is offering 140 virgins to the suicide bomber that takes him out.
Robert Mugabe, Zimbabwe’s President has erased 200 British names from schools. / Is this the definition of whitewash?
Canadian neurologists are warning that neck manipulations, a common practice of chiropractors, cause strokes and crippling injury with alarming frequency. / An anticipated skirmish between both sides ended with a quick "Oh!" after chiropractors exclaimed, "like they perform brain surgery?"
Bishop Paul Cordes, responsible for Vatican humanitarian aid, said Jesus Christ "heals illness and banishes sin," therefore there’s a link between illness and sin. / Geez sorry to hear the pope is terribly sick and Saddam Hussein is so well
Today in 1971, women in Switzerland won the right to vote. / It wasn’t that the Swiss opposed it prior to this, it’s just they’re a cautious group and wanted to see how the notion worked elsewhere.
Today marks the anniversary of the birth of, author Charles Dickens who was born in 1812 in Portsmouth, England. / Of course it was the best of days and the worst of days.
February 08
Air Canada reported a $1.25-billion loss for 2001 / I’m glad when industries are privatized rather than being run by inefficient government employees, than they can concentrate on profits and efficiencies like Enron or K-Mart.
Vitamin maker Jamieson Laboratories has pulled its calcium supplements from store shelves after a woman complained she found a wire protruding from one of the pills. / What, that wasn’t part of the iron supplement?
Security is expected to be high at the games. /I understand people from the Axis of evil countries and the mid-east may be treated with suspicion, however denying a couple admission to the grounds because they were travelling with a pair of Persian cats I think is going too far.
Appearing before a congressional committee four out of five Enron executives refused to testify. / Kind a corruption of Simon and Garfunkel’s Sounds of Silence, "Because of dark forces my old friend, I’ve come but refuse to talk again."
Lebanon is holding two Alberta men they accuse of links to terrorism. / Look, with most Al-Qaeda members coming from oil-countries and the spectacle of Enron, it’s easy to suspect somebody coming from where there’s oil-fields is suspicious.
Canada’s economy saw the creation of 75,900 jobs in January, stunning analysts who predicted job losses. / If this stuns analysts what does this do to a stunned government?
Boxing legend Muhammad Ali has Irish roots, genealogists say. Begorrah, sure enough ask people if they know the famous black boxer, they go O’Ali.
Today millions will watch that every four-year event, the flame getting lit and the games beginning. / Pardon, isn’t that the same introduction to Richard Simmons leap-year parties?
February 8, 1910, the Boy Scouts of America were incorporated. / Consequently besides choosing Roman Catholic clergy or gym teacher there came a new option for American pedophiles.
Tomorrow marks the anniversary of 1964’s Beatles premiere performance on the Ed Sullivan Show. / Of course their performance had a record number of female viewers and for years afterwards I always thought this was the definition of simultaneous orgasms.
February 11,
The Olympics of course are the news. / Unreported there was a successful Taliban attack; yes six multiple marriages in Utah.
Princess Margaret died this weekend. / The British have lots of royalty so there was lots of grief as many had Phillip next in their pool.
President Bush partook in the opening ceremonies at the Olympics. / Many felt inviting former President Clinton would have been a nice gesture; who should know better, because of Hilary, how to deal with icy conditions?
The United States is ready to begin intensive surveillance missions over Somalia and Yemen as it prepares to launch the next phase of President Bush’s war against terrorism. Who knew "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free…" would describe easy targets?
On this date in 1993, President Clinton announced his choice of Miami prosecutor Janet Reno to be the nation's first female attorney general. / This caused lots of acrimonious arguments; but truthfully, Janet Reno is really female.
In Rockdale County, Georgia a proposed ordinance threatens to fine pet owners for allowing their cats, dogs and birds to "bark, whine, howl, crow, or cause other sound or noise" for more than 10 minutes continuously, or for 30 minutes intermittently. / This has been greeted with complaints, as people somehow want it to apply to their spouses instead.
Frances Foster was pronounced dead at 2:20 p.m. A Brooklyn EMT cited the fact that she was extremely cold to the touch and that her seventh-floor apartment had a strong odor. However, the coroner arrived at 5:35 p.m., and found a faint pulse pronouncing her alive. / Stated her ex-husband, "She was always like this before sex.
Abandoned dogs are being pampered with plush, furnished kennels complete with televisions and a Feng Shui garden to play in, following a large will donation to the London shelter / Perhaps not coincidentally there’s been a large discovery of bitten off collars and other identifying tokens.
Crushed cockroaches in diet coke -- that's what Australian aerial freestylist Jacqui Cooper says she drank to recover from a serious back injury. / After the Olympics she’s planning on taking a New York apartment and staying back injury free for the rest of her days.
Supermodel Naomi Campbell, seeking damages from a British tabloid paper for invasion of privacy over a story it ran about her fight against drugs, owned up on Monday to drug use and a notoriously fiery temper. / She added, "if tabloids are going to print the truth; you may as well just buy a newspaper."
February 12
Today’s Chinese New Years and it’s their year of the Horse. / It starts wonderfully enough, but when it’s over we’re always saddened to see the Horse’s end.
Democrats called on President Bush Tuesday to ask the Republican Party to pull ads that attack Democratic senators for opposing the GOP's version of economic stimulus legislation, even though several of the Democrats have supported Bush on issues like the tax cut and the war on terror. / Perhaps rather than complaining the Democrats would be better served reminding people why there are two parties
The FBI has issued the following warning "Recent information indicates a planned attack may occur in the United States or against U.S. Interests on or around February 12, 2002. One or more operatives may be involved in the attack." / That’s great; detailed so nobody should panic. Publicly speaking media mogul Ted Turner stated the September 11 attacks were an act of desperation, and the hijackers were "brave" but probably "a little nuts."/ I'm not going to condemn or disagree with those remarks, however I think he went to far declaring "sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't."
Kenneth Lay cited the Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination and declined to testify in Congress' deepening Enron inquiry. / I've always wondered one's refusal to incriminate themselves, does this not mean there's something to incriminate them?
Hindu nationalists threatened Tuesday to disrupt Valentine's Day celebrations in India, saying the lovers' day was obscene and violated mainly Hindu India's cultural ethos. / This from a culture that gave us the Kama Sutra?
A Canadian prison inmate who has renounced his white-supremacist views will have a swastika tattoo removed from his abdomen at a cost of $4,088 to taxpayers. / What a waste; I’m sure there’s volunteers who’d do it for nothing.
Angolan authorities have arrested a man carrying no fewer than 1,304 uncut diamonds in his intestines. / Always wondered what they meant by a "passing fancy".
Thirteen-year-old Jared Guarino uses a motorized wheelchair having his seat cushion stitched "BAD ASS." However, officials at South Hackensack's Memorial School don't see the humor and cover up the inscription every day. / Pardon my lack of acumen, the one with the handicap is Jared or the school officials?
A year ago today a federal appeals court ruled the Internet service Napster had to prevent users from swapping copyrighted music without charge. / Pardon me Don McLean that’s the day the music died.
February 13
Former Yugoslav leader Slobodan Milosevic on Wednesday challenged the legality of his arrest and of the U.N. tribunal that is trying him on charges of waging a campaign of murder and oppression against non-Serbs in a series of Balkan wars. / Hey Slobodan, badges? They don’t need no stinkin’ badges. (apologies to Bogie fans).
A bus carrying Muslims attending the annual hajj pilgrimage reportedly collided with a truck in eastern Saudi Arabia, killing 40 pilgrims and injuring 10 others. / My sincerest condolences to those families I’m just hoping there’s not a rush in terrorism now as they try to get the few remaining virgins.
John Walker Lindh pleaded innocent Wednesday to a 10-count federal indictment charging him with conspiring to kill Americans and aiding the al-Qaida terrorist network. / He claims he thought they were all required university courses to graduate as a Muslim.
The Academy Award nominees were announced Tuesday. Call me cynical but I call it politics; how else do you explain the absence of "Dude where’s my Car?"
In the United States Comcast Corporation, the nation's third-largest cable company pledged Wednesday to immediately stop tracking the Web browsing activities of its 1 million high-speed Internet subscribers. / Presumably, they’ll leave it the FBI and CIA to do,
Police said that a suspected al-Qaida member blew himself up Wednesday after being cornered by security forces in an Yemeni suburb. / See all al-Qaida members aren’t all bad.
Senator Bob Graham, a Florida Democrat, got thwarted today attempting to deliver an early Valentine’s Day dozen long stemmed roses to the first lady. Security posed all kinds of questions regarding their origin and other things. / I guess a president that chokes on a pretzel you can’t be sure he won’t get pricked and bleed to death.
An ICQ.com Web page last month listed a 15-year-old's interests as "human sacrifice and murdering small kids". The student claims he was copying George Carlin. / He’s a 15-year-old student rather than being influenced by George Carlin shouldn’t he be influenced by Jonathan Swift’s Modest Proposal and the eating of Irish children.
Almost everyone at Madison Square Garden acted surprised except for Surrey Spice Girl. In an upset, the miniature poodle pranced off as America's top dog Tuesday night after winning best-in-show at Westminster. / Sorry Joan Rivers all that plastic surgery means bukkes, dahling.
On this date in 1635, America's oldest public school, the Boston Public Latin School, was founded. / Being as it was a Latin school as an extracurricular activity it taught the macrena.
February 14
Irani authorities arrested some 150 people, including European, Arab and African nationals, who fled into Iran from Afghanistan and are questioning them over any links to the Taliban or al-Qaida, the state news agency said Thursday. / Irani authorities; who gives them the right? .
Congress is considering new penalties against pro-environment violence. / Damn those Eco-terrorists what's the point in environment if you don't have money to waste it and pollute it and exploit it
American women, encouraged by a decade-long economic boom, are having more children than at any other time in the past three decades according to National Center for Health Statistics. Dang I feel I'm not contributing.
Beginning in May, H.J. Heinz Co. will ship a new line of Ore-Ida frozen potato products called Funky Fries featuring five new shapes, colours and flavours, Heinz spokesman stated "We asked the kids what would make them want to eat more french fries."/ Finally relief for those parents who couldn't get their kids to eat fries.
Jim Casey an Erie, Pennsylvania city councilman says front porches make better neighborhoods and thinks the city should require all new homes to be built with front porches. / They certainly should, and have white picket fences around them and house 2.3 children with a stationwagon in their driveway.
In Painesville, Ohio Steven Thompson man who called a police officer a pig has served his sentence on a city sidewalk next to a 350-pound pig in a pen for two hours, with a sign reading, "This is not a police officer."/ When he got home Thompson than had to explain to the wife whom "that pig" was everybody saw him with.
In Ludington Michigan since 1947, Henry Marek has kept a World War I-era cannon in his front yard. However a Defense Department worker happened to notice the cannon last week, and suggests it could be seized and destroyed despite the fact the cannon's breech was welded shut and its barrel was cut, making it unusable as a weapon. / If Marek thinks he's got problems with Defense Department wait until the NRA find out the weapon is inoperable
In Florida a jury has awarded $50,000 to a couple who sued officials in the town of Sewall's Point for displaying a picture of their house at City Hall with the words: "Our view of the hillbilly hellhole." / When asked what'll they'll do with the money, the couple replied, "Well obviously celebrate with some fresh moonshine and maybe git one of the sixteen kids a pair of shoes and ship him off for some edmukashun.
U.S. government fraud fighters said Miss Cleo's psychic hot line should have seen it coming: a lawsuit accusing the service of rampant deception. / Rampant deception? You mean there's a reason Miss Cleo never won the lottery herself or she's not at the track every day?
In 1929, the "St. Valentine's Day Massacre" took place in a Chicago garage as seven rivals of Al Capone's gang were gunned down. / Nowadays businesses have found a more ruthless way of ridding themselves of rivals.
February 15
Today was Princess Margaret’s funeral. She’s chosen to be cremated. / Certainly not the first "Royal" to make an ash of themselves.
Rather than signing the Kyoto Accords President Bush is counting on industry regulating themselves and cutting back themselves. / Apparently he was so impressed on Enron did this financially he figures industry will follow this example environmentally.
The International Skating Union (ISU) has held out the possibility of reversing the decision that deprived Canada of gold in pairs skating. The International Olympic Committee (IOC) is threatening an investigation. / Canadians are somewhat indifferent about the ISU and IOC being focused on the IOU.
Running in Ontario’s Conservative leadership race, candidate Jim Flaherty has proposed being homeless, will be criminal. / I applaud this; also believe in richness of Ontario that nobody should be poor either.
Studies show the highest suicide rate amongst men is for the divorced men, leading single and married men. / Incredible! Like most single and married guys, we thought marriage was the same as suicide.
Britney Spears movie opens today. / Like Beautiful Mind, the leading character has a schizoid personality; the duality, virgin or tramp.
People phoning a bank helpline have been greeted not by the staid tones of a financial adviser but by disco music and a claim that they had found Britain's "best place for men to meet men". / Really upsetting some customers is the warning accompanying the message "Substantial penalty, for early withdrawal"
Bermuda is postponing next year's celebrations marking the 500th anniversary of the discovery of the island because new historical evidence suggests the date is out by two years. / Not only is the island claiming to be two years younger; it's also denying a face-lift and tummy-tuck.
He's not quite a love machine, but on Valentine's Day the first non-human to ring the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange put as much heart into it as he could. / I realize the heart remark threw some people off; it was the Honda robot not Dick Cheney.
Horses and ponies in England and Wales will receive a "passport" for life, English Rural Affairs Minister Alan Michael said on Thursday. / Finally, horse's asses have been getting them forever.
February 18
Today is Presidents Day in the States. / More commonly known as Sears White Sale long-weekend.
President Bush is visiting Asia and has stopped in Japan for a visit. / Displaying surprising diplomacy, Bush took the opportunity not to hurl on anybody.
American literacy skills are mediocre compared with other high-income countries, but the gap between the nation's best and worst performers is far greater. This according to somebody able to read that to me
The latest Newsweek reports an investigation has tentatively concluded that the shredding disclosed last month ''resulted from collusion between Enron employees and members of Andersen's Houston office. Andersen's is denying this. / Apparently they never said shred they said burn.
Southwest Airlines, which bucked the trend of layoffs and flight reductions that followed September 11, plans to hire about 4,000 workers this year. Terrific! More people to lose much luggage and frisk me.
In Raymond, Washington, councilman, Ed Norton sent dead flowers to councilman Vicki Flemetis, who opposed his appointment. She says of the expired bouquet: "You don't know if it's threatening, or if it's a joke gone bad, or you don't know really how to take it. / Hmn I know numerous supposed comedians matching that description.
In Upper Uwchlan Township, about 25 miles west of Philadelphia, two 17-year-old boys were arrested for operating a speakeasy; having over 100 bottles of liquor in a sound-proofed barn, which was set up with felt-topped gaming tables, a large lounge area with a wet bar, and a Ping-Pong table. / Really shameful, killing entrepenuership like that
A new study estimated that 19.5 percent of Americans suffered from some form of mental illness, contradicting previous estimates that put the figure at 30 to 50 percent. / It seems rather than being mentally ill, they're just plain stupid.
"Kids who watch R-rated movies are much more likely to try smoking and drinking. That's the conclusion of a study by Dartmouth Medical School researchers/ Obviously. they need to keep their hands busy in more than one way.
Thirty years ago, yesterday, President Nixon departed on his historic trip to China. / In those days you could get egg rolls and fried rice delivered but for the good stuff....
February 19
President Bush sought to assure South Korea today that he is not rushing toward military confrontation with communist North Korea, which he has branded part of "an axis of evil. / He stated "First Iraq, then Yemen, possibly a few impoverished countries; it will be months, if not over a year before North Korea.
A California priest wanted in California on charges of having improper sexual relations with a teen-ager was arraigned in Hartford Superior Court today on over 200 counts of sex charges. / Personally, I never agree with sex with a minor, nevertheless, 200 counts, must have been quite the lay minister.
A Mattel spokeswoman says the new Barbie could be viewed as black, Asian and Hispanic a ''mix of cultures in one doll.'' / Gossip columnists are waiting too see if Barbie and Tiger Woods become an item.
A disgruntled former employee shot and killed three people and injured several others in a rampage near Munich. / People claim to hate America, then copy it's ways.
Slobodan Milosevic, acting as his own lawyer cross-examined the first witness in his war crimes trial, today. / His tact seems to be, if there's witnesses then there's no successful genocide, ergo I'm innocent.
Young detainees at Guantanamo Bay that were captured fighting with Afghanistan's ousted Taliban regime are claiming they were mislead. / Hold out the promise of so many virgins to many guys; hey...
,
In Tallahassee police said they spotted Carl Franklin, a 30-year-old man with his pants down. They suspected he was going to relieve himself. Police Officer Seth Stoughton shouted, Franklin ran. But apparently Franklin had been smoking and put the cigarette in his pocket so Franklin’s pants caught on fire. / No word whether Franklin is a liar, liar.
Pope John Paul has performed three exorcisms during his 23-year pontificate, including one as recently as September, one of the Catholic Church's leading exorcists said. / Despite that, the Pontiff can't control his lust filled gazing at Sister Mary Bridgette's breasts when she delivers morning cappuccino.
In Santa Cruz, California, school officials are considering whether to yank a 13-year-old's science project because it examines medical uses for marijuana. / Apparently they're outraged; they think marijuana should be just for recreation
Presidents Day, saw Walt Disney World theme park dedicate a robotic replica of President Bush at Disney's Hall of Presidents attraction. / Five minutes later the replica was prone after a tourist foolishly fed it a pretzel
February 20
President Bush wrapped up a trip to South Korea assuring his hosts he supported their diplomatic efforts to bring North and South Korea closer. / Apparently Bush has succeeded in uniting both North and South Korea; they're both now anti-American.
Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld said Wednesday that a Pentagon campaign to influence global opinion would not include lies to the public, but might employ "tactical" deception to confuse an enemy for battlefield advantage. A video will say, "Why die for virgins when in America you can live like this" and then will show the Playboy mansion's interior and exterior.
Independently of Microsoft, an Australian company has produced software called 98lite that strips parts of Windows 98 many people are happier without. / Some people claim they like the taste others claim they like it's less filling.
Pfizer, manufacturer of Viagra is threatening trendy New York restaurants Chicama and Sabor with legal action if they don't remove a seafood dish called Viagra Ceviche from their menus. / Who'll get stiffed? Details as they come.
Barbara Walters and Diane Sawyer on Tuesday denied any rift between them over an interview in which Rosie O'Donnell discusses her homosexuality. / Rosie O'Donnell gay? Who next, male figure skaters?
The University of California at Berkeley has suspended a course in male sexuality after reports of student orgies and trips to strip clubs. / Complains one student, "I stopped masturbating so to graduate "Magna cum Loud."
In the last forty-eight hours 31Yemeni citizens are turned back at British Airways flight at New York's JFK airport. A Russian symphony is kicked off a flight after breaking out the booze. An Iranian man is charged with trying to bring a gun aboard a Miami flight. / Perhaps the most justifiable bumping; The Bangles trying to fly somewhere to revive their careers by re-recording "Walk Like an Egyptian."
A Filipino man was killed and his friend seriously wounded after they sarcastically applauded a student for singing Frank Sinatra's classic "My Way" off-key. / Geez, even Frank didn't do that to his detractors.
Forty years ago today astronaut John Glenn became the first American to orbit the Earth, flying aboard Friendship 7. / Of course before then, and since then at a rapidly exploding rate, there have and are space cadets
On this day in 1792, President Washington signed an act creating the United States Post Office. / Six days later on the top of a tower, an employee carrying a musket, was bemoaning the pressures of the job.
February 21
The 300 prisoners at Camp X-Ray represent 32 nationalities and include people who have degrees from American universities. / It's always nice when diverse people can come together for common purpose.
Kuwait's foreign minister said his country would normalize ties with Israel if the Jewish state succeeds in making peace with the Palestinians and its Arab neighbors/ "Diplomatese" translated, Kuwait will normalize ties with Israel during the Messianic period.
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld insisted that there would be no lying."The Pentagon is not issuing disinformation to the foreign press or any other press." / Afterwards, Rumsfeld asked for a definition of press
In Crestline, California a squirrel with an attitude chased a class of first-graders and their teacher out of their room. / Relax guys, it was only after your nuts.
Waterford, Michigan dentist Kenneth Friedman admitted to 15 counts of fondling patients when they were incapacitated by drugs during dental procedures. / Friedman was hoping they wouldn't have noticed, being transcended with dental medication.
A Nigerian man who confessed to killing his boss and making pepper soup with her body parts was arrested Wednesday, police said. / He claims, "Not only did I like my boss, but I liked the noodles too."
In Pennsylvania, Richland Township treasurer Buffy Guenst used tax money to finance a $231,000 shopping spree, however a purchase of sexy underwear gave her away. "These are not things that the township normally buys. These are not road materials," stated Police Chief Stuart Woods. / Though roads, like Guenst underwear can see lots of traffic.
A man who wore a Hitler mask at a carnival in eastern Germany and won a prize for "most original costume" faces charges of violating strict anti-Nazi laws, police said Wednesday. / The fashion police ticketed him as well; noting Hitler is so yesterday, he should be wearing Osama.
British pop legend Sir Cliff Richard may be 61, but he still has enough pulling power to convince two middle-aged women to queue for over a week in a car for tickets to his forthcoming UK tour. / Stated the women's husband previously we weren't Cliff Richard fans but we certainly are now.
T en years ago today John Frohnmayer announced his resignation as chairman of the National Endowment for the Arts. / Frohnmayer confessed to his inadequacy for an endowment position citing his less than two-inch penis.
February 22,
Via Beijing TV, President Bush appealed to the Chinese public to embrace American. values./ However, an episode of "Joanie Loves Chachi" was being broadcast on the other channel so nobody saw the speech.
National Republicans aim to raise over $5.5 million at a "Salute to America's Heroes" fund-raiser in March - and some relatives of September 11 victims are livid. / Guess now wouldn't be a good time to them about the former Mayor Rudy Giuliani dolls with a halo over the head.
Mike Tyson fights Lennox Lewis in Washington, D.C June 8. On the same day, 100,000 Girl Scouts are expected at the organization's 90th annual gathering at the Mall. / Already Tyson trainers are drilling him; girl, cookie. .
Russia is threatening to pull out of the Winter Games, and South Korea says it might boycott Sunday's Closing Ceremony. They claim they'll tolerate Christina Aguilera, but not 'NSYNC at the closing ceremonies
In Madeira Beach, Florida a fight between Frank Ashmus and Garth Spacek ended early when Ashmus stabbed Spacek with the bill of a swordfish. / Most blatant case of premeditation I've ever heard; you just don't happen to have your swordfish.
The U.S. presidential limousine suffered a flat while the motorcade was zipping along a major Beijing artery en route from Tsinghua University, where Bush had delivered a speech, to a luncheon with Chinese President Jiang Zemin. / Secret Service agents wiped their brows thankful they had changed from Bridgestone.
Older Spaniards and Belgians topped a sex survey with more of them saying they had sex at least once a day, more than any other nationality. / Maybe it's me, but now Spanish onion and Brussels sprouts will mean something else.
The Canadian Women’s Hockey team despite one-sided officiated beat the Americans to win gold at the Olympics. / The Americans are complaining that it took twenty-five of them.
Today in 1732, the first president of the United States, George Washington, was born at his parents' plantation in the Virginia Colony. / Does that make his dad one of the forefathers of America and if so, whose the other three?
Sixty-seven years ago today, it became illegal for airplanes to fly over the White House. / Incredible! How do they fly under it?
February 25
The Olympics are over. / In other words guys time to find the remote and go back to channel surfing.
The Bush Administration is proposing to shift the burden of toxic cleanups to the taxpayers. / Seems only fair, afterall if industry can spend thousands to create these messes shouldn’t the taxpayer be willing to spend millions to clean it.
Israel in what they consider a conciliatory move has given Yasser Arafat more freedom of movement. / Responding, Arafat says, "I don’t consider more freedom of movement as receiving a box of bran.
Entering the American Heritage College Dictionary is 9/11. / Of course this has to deal with the World Trade Centre, not what one is looking for from their partner in a homosexual relationship.
Iran, Afghanistan's neighbour has committed $567 million, and the United States has committed $296 million so far, to halt drug trade and rebuild Afghanistan. / Translated for the benefit of Afghanis; America helping out of benevolence, no self-interest-America good. Iran helping selfishly, looking to increase its axis of evil-Iran bad.
Despite cutbacks elsewhere, Correctional Services Services Canada is going ahead with a $500-million blue-print to upgrade some of the country’s aging prisons, including revamping some into more open-style cottage-like facilities./ Makes great sense; more comfortable environment less likely expensive prison breaks.
Rumsfeld is considering scrapping the Office of Strategic Influence after criticism that it would be a disinformation organ. / How clever, believe it or don’t.
Chuck Jones the animator who drew a wild menagerie of cartoon characters including Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Road Runner and Wile E Coyote, has died at his home in California at the age of 89. / One can only hope the wascally animator wests in peace. Meep! Meep!
In Wales a shiny white pod that began road tests this month may well be the taxi of the future. The pod, known as ULTra -- Urban Light Transport -- could make driver-free transport a reality/ A driver-free taxi? Can you program it to drive like everywhere is a war zone; or program it to take the most circuitous routes?
Today in 1836, inventor Samuel Colt patented his revolver. / Prior to this there was only the one conation when you heard somebody had a set of 45's.
February 26,
President Bush, seeking to toughen a 1996 law that cut welfare rolls in half, urged Congress on Tuesday to push more people from public assistance into jobs. / "C'mon," stated Bush "if public assistance really worked corporations would want it too and oh...."
Supporters of Reverend Spagnolia, the first suspended priest to publicly challenge the Boston Archdiocese's new sexual abuse rules, state they'll stand behind him. / If they were so certain of his innocence; they wouldn't need to stand behind him
A Chicago woman with a gene that is all but certain to cause Alzheimer's by her 40s gave birth to a baby free of the defect after having her eggs screened and selected in the laboratory. / Personally, I'm not swallowing it. The baby displayed all Alzheimer's symptoms; bald, toothless, no bodily function control.
The senate has vowed to grill ex-Enron CEO Jeffrey Skilling. / Hey boiling and deep-frying might be appropriate too.
With the Olympic hockey tournament complete and the spirit of the Games still alive, players, coaches, general managers and owners are clamoring for the NHL to agree to participate in the 2006 Winter Games in Italy/ Anybody else remember fondly when the games were the apex for supposed amateurs?
Four members of a tugboat crew are missing and presumed dead after a collision at dawn yesterday between a 19,000-ton cargo ship and a convoy of two tugboats towing barges on the foggy headwaters of the Chesapeake Bay. / As the cargo ship contained a load of red paint and the tugboats carried blue paint, perhaps, worst scenario is they're marooned.
A year today, a United Nations tribunal convicted Bosnian Croat political leader and a military commander (Mario Cerkez) of war crimes for ordering the systematic murder and persecution of Muslim civilians during the Bosnian war. / My way of saying sweet dreams Mister Milosevic.
In Montana more than fifty students staged a sit-in at Great Falls High School to support a student who was suspended after posting head shots and biographies of the school's "hottest 10 freshman girls" on his personal Web site. / Sure the economy is out of whack, America is on the verge of several wars, nobody is watching the environment but hey these students found a cause for a sit-in.
In Cleveland, Donald Ruther was sentenced to house arrest for a year after stealing girls' shoes and sniffing them for comfort. He has 500 pairs of men's, women's and children's shoes of various sizes and styles, but detectives can't prove that Ruther stole them. / Cleveland, you still wonder why Imelda Marcos never visits?
In Yates Village, New York a teenager was found covered with a flour and egg mixture and extremely drunk has told police he doesn't know how he came to be lying naked and "battered'' in a public housing courtyard. / Drunk? I'd say the boy and his sister Gretel were lucky to escape that witch's home.
February 27,
Refugee children in West Africa have accused dozens of aid workers of sexually abusing them, in some cases offering food rations in return for favors./ Stupid, naive me; totally misunderstanding when these agencies told me they could get bang for my buck.
Christopher Chandler was among Marines checking for explosives at the Kandahar airport and lost his foot when he stepped on a mine. But Chandler said he doesn't see himself as a hero./ Truthfully Christopher you're right. In civilian life we call that a Klutz.
Tonight is Grammy Awards night./ Some of those female singers may look like "red-hot" mommas but none look like Grammy contenders.
More than 3 million people in Afghanistan are in urgent need of food, according to the World Food Program/ According to Afghanis, we don't plant anything, but just recently, miraculously, seemed like food fell from sky
In Stockton, Chia-chan Steven Lee, an alternate who never participated, on the last-placing, four-man Taiwanese bobsledding team was critically injured in an auto accident on his way home from the Winter Games. Chia-chan Steven Lee states "Now, my life, goes downhill?"
In Butler, Pennsylvania, Tammy Felbaum, a transsexual was sentenced to up to 11 years in prison Wednesday for performing a crude castration that led to her husband's death. / For a transsexual is this joyous news, being sent to a penal institution?
Tyrannosaurus rex, supposedly six tons and 40 feet in length, has been calculated to move at different speeds in the range of 11 mph to 25 mph, with the lower figure probably being more accurate./ So; when you're that size, where do you need to go to fast?
Police have rescued a bedridden Los Angeles woman who lay trapped for nine days on the floor of her home after her husband, her lone caregiver, was admitted to a hospital for emergency surgery, authorities said Tuesday/ "Nine days" the woman cried, "I'm unsure how I went that long without make-up."
Girls in skimpy bikinis have been censored from promotional material by Australian organizers of a Commonwealth summit this week to avoid offending religious and cultural sensibilities . / I've heard of guys taking to beating themselves while looking at pictures of women in skimpy outfits.
Today is the anniversary of the decision in 1997 making divorce legal in Ireland. / There as most places, they found the number one cause for divorce, was marriage.
February 28,
Today is February 28th. Test your friends' thinking quotient; ask them which months have twenty-eight days; if they answer February it's okay, if they answer all, shows they've paid attention at least once.
In Huntsville, Texas a federal judge halted the execution of a condemned killer and agreed Wednesday to hear from mental health experts about the inmate's sanity. / I guess George Bush is too busy being President, that he can't take the time anymore to fry a man.
At Guantanamo Bay Naval Base, Cuba, Navy workers hammered and hoisted wooden planks Wednesday, building the first units of a permanent detention facility at the U.S. base for hundreds of prisoners in the war on terrorism. / Apparently Rumsfeld had some dream wherein he was told "If you build it they shall come".
In Great Britain alcohol is implicated in 33,000 deaths every year and one in six people attending accident and emergency units has alcohol-associated injuries, according to figures from Alcohol Concern. / Perhaps that's enough information about their doctors.
In Ireland an increasing numbers of inmates are unwilling to leave the new women's prison at Mountjoy at the end of their sentence because of a lack of accommodation on the outside, it was revealed yesterday. / Also with the increasing acceptance of homosexuality, they claim never to have had a better love life.
The Houston Astros announced Wednesday that the club would pay Enron $2.1 million to remove its name from the downtown ballpark, disassociating the team from the scandal-ridden company/ An undisclosed amount was offered to Mariah Carey not to sing there.
Last night Alicia Keys tied Lauryn Hill's 1999 record by winning five Grammys. / To disparage neither Ms. Keys' singing abilities nor her femininity I still feel nevertheless I've seen better lungs elsewhere.
A survey has found Palestinians place their trust in the clan as final legal authority. / No wonder there's trouble in the mid-east, you don't tell Jews your putting all your trust in the Klan.
Turkey has changed the disciplinary code governing schools to remove a reference to "chastity" which had been used in the past to justify forced virginity tests of girls suspected of premarital sex. / Commented pop-diva Britney Spears, "Yes I'd be willing to consider furthering my education in Turkey.
In 1827, this date, the first United States railroad chartered to carry passengers and freight, the Baltimore and Ohio Railroad Company was incorporated. / It was available for $200. and if you owned another three railways you could collect a nice rent when people landed there.
March 01
Without confirming any details, President Bush today spoke about the "shadow government" put in place outside Washington after the September 11th attacks. / I knew he'd hire the Shadow; for who else would know what evil lurks in the minds of others?
Three years ago, the villagers of northeastern Georgia never bothered to lock their doors. Now they're so afraid of kidnapping, sheep-rustling and other crime emanating from the neighbors that they've embraced a police crackdown. / Fascinating; two States sharing same name and lifestyle.
Linda Tripp has breast cancer. / What a shame; cancer can be beaten.
Prince Harry will not face police action over allegations of cannabis smoking and underage drinking. Police said their investigations were now finished. / The Prince not being jailed? Shocker!!!
In Britain preliminary tests for foot-and-mouth at a north Yorkshire farm have proved negative. / Authorities claim Prince Phillip wasn't even ever near the farm.
A French tourist was yesterday found guilty of punching and kicking his son outside a restaurant during a family trip to Scotland. / A Frenchman subjecting his child to Scottish cuisine isn't that the more diabolical abuse?
Starting today Russia's Aeroflot's passengers will receive products containing nicotine: chewing gum and special plaster. / Not because according to common standards, the aviation company is placing a ban on smoking during flights but because if the plane starts shaking hopefully the gum and plaster may be applied to keep it together.
The first national camel beauty contest is taking place in the United Arab Emirates. / Of course camels are a prized possession over there and called the "ships of the desert" believed mostly because their full of camel herder semen.
Sixty men have been whipped in the Saudi capital Riyadh for picking up women. / Ironically the women were dominatrixes.
Afghanistan's ruling Taliban, defying international protests, began destroying all statues in the country one year ago, today. / Geez, I'm not messing with Buddha.
March 04
Israeli troops have raided two Palestinian refugee camps, hours after the government resolved to step up its military campaign against militants. / Of course this cycle of violence is expected to escalate with militants responding; that is, until, somebody notes, we're brother Semites, let's get the Gentiles.
Thirteen al-Qaida and Taliban prisoners at Guantanamo Bay naval base have been without food for five days on a hunger strike. / They vow to continue until they can get a pizza slice from Abdulah's Pizzeria specializing in camel toppings.
Robert Mugabe, President of Zimbabwe told British Prime Minister Tony Blair to "go to hell" for condemning his actions as "undemocratic" and "dictatorial". / A puzzled Tony Blair asked "Shouldn't the preposition be come not go?"
A powerful earthquake struck northern Afghanistan Sunday, killing at least five people and injuring 31 others in the capital Kabul and the eastern city of Jalalabad. / A spokesman for God claimed he's not mad with the Afghanis just merely trying to get their attention.
A couple has claimed ownership of the American flag that three firefighters hoisted amid the ruins of New York's World Trade Centre. The couple claim the flag was removed from their charter yacht, which was docked near the trade centre. / Americans I believe should rally behind this couple shouting, "Get a life you idiots"
Swiss voters put aside centuries of political isolationism on Sunday to narrowly approve a proposal that would allow the country to join the United Nations. / The Swiss apparently joined the UN hoping joining a club would maybe result in party invitations and holiday cards.
President George W. Bush on Saturday said the effectiveness of education reform depends on good teachers in the nation's public schools and vowed to place a quality teacher in every classroom in the country. / He further vowed to return schools to the old-fashioned one-room schools.
Prince William has told friends he is bored and lonely at St Andrews and is considering leaving the Scottish university. / Worse of all, he states, he's always losing skin from his ass wherever he sits with the kilt.
Chasity Bono's 33rd birthday is today. / 7/8's of mother, Cher is younger than she is.
Today in 1933, the start of President Roosevelt's first administration brought with it the first woman to serve in the Cabinet: Labor Secretary Frances Perkins. /Remember folks serving and servicing two distinctive and different words
March 05
China said Tuesday an American State Department report that accused Beijing of suppressing religious freedom was full of lies. / Fortunately China says no harm done as this information didn't leak out to their own people.
Commonwealth leaders ended a racially divided summit in Australia Tuesday still disagreeing over Zimbabwe's future. / They do see the future as clear as black and white with Zimbabwe's future having no whites.
German investigators are working their way through more than 20,000 leads into the September 11 suicide hijacking attacks on the United States, because three of the four kamikaze pilots lived in the northern port of Hamburg. / Thanks Germany, but I'm pessimistic about your possibility of capturing them.
China's Premier Zhu Rongji pledged Tuesday to fight rural poverty, support the urban unemployed and stamp out official corruption and waste. / There go the advances made by capitalism.
Mars Odyssey spacecraft has found evidence that vast regions of Mars may abound in water. / Who needs those namby-pamby Kyoto Accords now?
American government scientists on Monday questioned Hanoi's assertion that the Vietnam War defoliant Agent Orange is to blame for generations of birth defects and other diseases, saying confirming would take many more years of research. / The American government scientists figure sixty-eighty years maximum.
An 80-page fax containing details of Queen Elizabeth's Australian tour was accidentally faxed to a McDonalds fast food restaurant in Brisbane. Her majesty was hoping to stop and get the document herself, and have a break from the diet of kangaroo, koala and dingo.
A hacker claiming to be a 17-year-old girl says she wrote a new worm targeting Microsoft Corp.'s .NET Web services platform to prove women are capable of creating computer viruses and make a statement against sexism/ I guess men have the advantage in the worm department, being born with a one-eyed snake.
Mariah Carey is planning to start her own record label, says a music world source. / Her last label was Virgin Records, will this one be called Screwed?
Actress Anne Heche, has given birth to a baby boy. / Predictions for the child have him as lesbian transsexual living on another planet.
March 06
President Bush spoke to students and educators at a high school, assuring the students that their servicemen, defending freedom were performing a noble cause and it is a just cause. / But it wasn’t, cause; it kept his approval ratings high
The United States was at loggerheads with its key war allies yesterday after imposing tariffs of up to 30 per cent on steel imports, threatening a damaging trade dispute/ Bush is expected to tell the American people this is a noble cause and it is a just cause.
The demise of in-flight meals is a cost-saving measure for air carriers stung by losses of more than $9 billion last year, according to the Air Transport Association/ The airlines have eliminated the bag of peanuts to a bag of peanut.
The House adopted a resolution Wednesday urging the Bush administration to renegotiate an international treaty on migratory birds to open the hunting season for mourning doves a week earlier. / A Bush administration spokesperson stated "Having doves around, just doesn't fit our agenda."
A syndicated cartoon "Terror Widows" by artist Ted Rall, satirizes the money that relatives of the victims are to receive from the government and charities and portrays the widows of September 11 as superficial and greedy and consequently has outraged survivors of the terrorist attacks. / Newspapers have self-censored and pulled the cartoon, nevertheless the widows are ready to sue. Truly patriotism is money and freedom of expression is treason
U.S. District Court Judge Lewis Babcock has officially dismissed a lawsuit that claimed video games from Nintendo, Acclaim, Activision, and eight other game companies directly influenced the actions of Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, who were responsible for the 1999 Columbine High School massacre. / However, he's withheld opinion on the Mid-east, where brother Semite is slaying brother Semite being directly influenced by Cain and Abel.
A study shows that the impact of El Niño is global and that processes as remote as those in the Polar Regions are affected. / It's 2002 and Dick Cheney still has Bush convinced they're talking about some guy called Al Nino and that one guy can't be responsible.
The Defense Department has scaled back its women's advisory committee, cutting support staff and steering the panel to deal with readiness issues, not women in combat. / A Defense Department spokesman stated, "We've no desire to turn the clock back to the beginning of the last century; there's still a place for "Rosie the Riveter."
Today in1834, the city of York in Upper Canada was incorporated as Toronto. / Clarifying things, I inquired of a native, is it Torontoe or Tarrana; being informed Tarrana, I thanked them and was told "you wanna knaw dinna ya"?
On March 6, 1836, the Alamo in San Antonio, Texas fell to Mexican forces after a 13-day siege. / For some reason, wondering if any Americans remember that.
March 07
President Bush on Thursday proposed cracking down on misconduct by corporate executives and their accountants, but stopped short of more far-reaching reforms. / Never mind the far-reaching reforms; the speech would have been more effective if he hadn't concluded with a finger pointing pistol like and a wink saying "Gotcha Kenneth Lay."
B-52 bombers pounded Taliban-al Qaeda positions in eastern Afghanistan on Thursday. / Commenting on the situation, Senator Kennedy stated, "at the compound we always had B-52's when we wished to get pounded."
Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan on Thursday said the U.S. economic expansion was ''well under way,'' painting a rosy picture. / However markets grew jittery when a reporter not hearing the weather context, reported, Greenspan says, "rain tomorrow."
Saudi doctors reported the world's first human womb transplant on Thursday. / It seems the fetus wasn't happy and wishing to relocate, called for womb service.
"Some cases of physical and sexual abuse in American nursing homes are going unreported to police and regulatory authorities because of gaps in state and federal nursing home rules, according to a government report/ While not condoning such behaviour; never have the patients in Alzheimer’s wards been more happy.
Nearly half a billion people around the world had access to the Internet from their homes by the end of last year, Nielsen/NetRatings said Thursday. / Imagine all those people coming together at a porn site to be coming together.
ABC and CBS executives are continuing the battle for the heart, mind and ``Top-Ten List'' of David Letterman. / One of the networks has offered Letterman more money and a "Top-Three List".
Mike Myers is set to play the stovetop hat-wearing title character in ``The Cat in the Hat,'' a live-action version of the Seuss classic. / Someone inquires, "Why Mike Myers? How is it that He gets to be the Cat in the Hat? Perhaps it was his desires, or maybe he has what they requires, or maybe he knew how to chat or possibly knows where, certain bodies are buried at.
One year ago today, Ariel Sharon was sworn in as Israel's Prime Minister. / One year later, he's the sworn at Israeli Prime Minister.
On March 7, 1876, Alexander Graham Bell received a patent for his telephone. / Two hours later, three different telemarketers, had the twelve people that owned phones either away from their dinner or out of the bathtub while having insurance, newspaper subscriptions and long-distance plans pitched to them.
March 08
Military officials said Operation Anaconda is "right on plan" and they are pleased to be battling with "hardened al Qaeda."/ They added, "finally we're getting rid of the overstock from Dessert Storm."
Kmart is slashing 22,000 jobs and closing 284 stores as part of its bankruptcy reorganization. / In Hardwares, the blue-light special for all your handyman work around the house, greatly reduced, a former employee
The bodies of five dead German and Danish soldiers killed in an ordnance-clearing accident in Afghanistan are set to be flown home. / Geez, talk about irreverence; the shipping documents read, three Danish and two Hamburgers to go.
Former Chancellor Helmut Kohl has blocked attempts to make public Stasi secret police files on him. / Speaking to an Independent newspaper reporter called Hogan; Kohl stated, "you vill zee nuddink, you vill hears nuddink.
In George West, Texas a man armed with a shotgun took employees of a Burger King restaurant hostage Thursday evening, finally surrendering to police hours later. /No word has come out yet, whether the man was able to "have it his way."
The official ban on Monica Lewinsky, talking has lifted. Monica answered questions from the students of New York Cooper Union college on a show aired on the Fox network Monica says that she is doing her best to get her anonymity back. / Perhaps getting the anonymity back, would be assisted with a photo- spread in Hustler magazine.
Russian Academy of Sciences and the Independent Institute for Social and National Problems; opinion poll found the most important feature of a real man, as Russian women think, is his intelligence/ If he's smart enough to be wishing to leave Russia they wish to be with him.
In Great Britain a study shows that foot-and-mouth affected farms with compensation made £12,000. The farms, which escaped foot-and-mouth, made £6,000. / (Sung to the old-tune from Green Acres) Farm living is the life for me, As long as the livestock not disease free, keep that old Enron share, Just give me that country err.
In England, Woman Members of Parliament failed to overturn a ban on breastfeeding in the House of Commons chamber, committee rooms and public gallery. / Perhaps, the Members were worried about competition in the world of sucking at the public teat.
In Zimbabwe, supporters of President Robert Mugabe are carrying out a campaign of murder, torture, beatings, illegal imprisonment and intimidation in the countdown to next weekend’s elections. / It just makes me squeamish, wondering what the phrase "advance poll" means over there.
March 11
The United States is not targeting any nation for nuclear attack, Vice President Dick Cheney said Monday. / Cheney explained, "this is something not premeditated; but, rather based upon a mood swing."
Six months after the September 11 attacks on America, there's broad support for President Bush and the American-led war on terrorism. / Admittedly Republicans occupy the White House and "retro" is cool; nevertheless, shouldn't we be labeling them women, not broads.
Slain journalist Daniel Pearl was remembered on Sunday. Judea Pearl recalled how in the past his son had talked to strangers more than he talked to his parents.''/ Oy, such a Jewish parent; "his son had talked to strangers more than he talked to his parents." Shalom Daniel Pearl. God Bless.
Taliban were actually a bunch of pretty depressed guys. At least that's what their shrink says. / Some lyrics to The Taliban Blues. "I got me ten wife, they causing me strife, But if there's a war I can get myself in, I can die and start over with seventy-two virgin."
Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon announced Monday the end of Israel's three-month-old confinement of Yasser Arafat to the West Bank city of Ramallah. / Arafat responded, "the smell of burnt-out buildings, debris and wreckage everywhere, why did I wish to leave?"
Germans bored with staples like sausages and sauerkraut swarmed on Monday to sample something new as a restaurant in Berlin put insects on its menu. / Translated, this means Germans have taken turn from "vurst" and now are bugged.
The bloody sport of cockfighting remains legal, and enormously popular, in Colombia's countryside, where fans and families are drawn to its carnival-like atmosphere of whiskey and betting. / Personally, I've always advocated what goes on in one's bedroom is their privacy; but "fans and families"....
On March 11, 1942, as Japanese forces continued to advance in the Pacific during World War II, General Douglas MacArthur left the Philippines for Australia, vowing: "I shall return." / Damn, the place must be enchanting; sixty years later, America is still vowing that.
On March 10, 1876, the first successful voice transmission over Alexander Graham Bell's telephone took place in Boston as his assistant heard Bell say, "Mr. Watson, come here. I want you."/ Followed by, "I need you, gotta, gotta, gotta have you."
Ten years ago yesterday, Democrat Bill Clinton claimed front-runner status as he won a series of Southern landslides on "Super Tuesday"; / Despite having front-runner status, Clinton often found himself licked.
March 12
British report states airline passengers' health may be at risk from the poor quality of cabin air, the Consumers' Association has warned. / Well perhaps that should thwart hijackers, unless of course they're suicidal.
Up to one in five of the world's children is suffering mental or behavioural problems according to two UN agencies. / Of course, with it being spring break, it may seem to some mothers four of the five have behavioural problems.
Prince Charles yesterday urged newspapers to counter a "culture of complaining" stating the media was often too quick to highlight negative stories about public service instead of positive news, suggesting the trend was part of a general propensity to "blame others when things go wrong". / Charles concluded by saying "Not that I'm blaming or complaining about the media, understand?"
Prosecutors across China investigated more than 36,000 corruption cases last year involving more than 40,000 people. / Of course the numbers would be higher if not for the payoffs.
A mentally disturbed Andrea Yates believed she was protecting her children from the devil as she drowned them last year, but after months of treatment she saw the crime as ``a bad choice.''/ Unfortunately for Yates, the devil has convinced Texas protecting their citizens with Capital Punishment is alright and they don't know it's a bad choice.
A United States appeals court has reinstated a lawsuit by two Catholic inmates who said their constitutional rights had been violated by a federal prison rule that barred them from drinking small amounts of wine at Mass./ Amazingly, it's been found most inmates claim their religion of choice is Catholicism.
At Banting Elementary School, Waukesha, Wisconsin, teacher Mel Culver says, she has asked the district to remove copies of Guinness World Records 2001 that shows photos of women showing off the world's most valuable bikini or most expensive bra and panties. Stating these are inappropriate for young pupils. / I agree. Young fellows, that's why there's a Sears catalogue.
Britney Spears denies she's broken up with her boyfriend, 'N Sync singer Justin Timberlake. / She questioned why would she, afterall, it's not like he's not, not having sex with somebody else.
Idaho, which has about 20,000 people of Basque origin, voted on Wednesday for an international message in support of Basque self-determination. The State Department reminded Idaho, that making American foreign policy is a presidential prerogative. / You've got to know if Idaho is taking a stand it's not small potatoes.
Today in 1912, Juliette Gordon Low founded the Girl Guides, which later became the Girl Scouts of America. / Their first slogan now changed because of misunderstandings was, We're the girl guides let us show you our cookies.
March 13
A court in central France ruled Wednesday that the corpses of a dead couple who were frozen in hopes of one day being brought back to life must be removed from their cryogenic chambers and buried. / The mother? Certainly. The father? Please he really wished to be a poprecycle.
Hundreds of nudist activists are planning to storm Berlin's largest park for a rally in the summer. / There's a possibility the police will grin, but extremely doubtful they'll bare it.
France went on full hijack alert apparently because an air traffic controller misunderstood a warning message in English from a pilot, saying ". Fire on board" but the controller understood "five men on board," therefore; concluding a hijack was underway. / Things were so tense, France was moments from surrendering.
A man in the eastern Indian City of Calcutta got an interview call thirty-four years after applying for a job. / Good thing they called him; if they had used the Post he'd have had at least a forty year wait.
President Bush told college sports champions that the September 11 attackers must have gotten an idea of the United States as a weak nation from watching "The Jerry Springer Show."/ Pardon me, President Bush, but Springer's guests could teach a Special Forces branch all about wielding a chair.
In Britain a joint study carried out by the University of Northumbria and the Cognitive Research Unit, Reading has found that chewing gum has a positive effect on cognitive tasks such as thinking and memory. / Unfortunately, most of the thinking and memory has to deal with one's dentures.
Heads of newborn babies at maternity wards in Sweden are nowadays kept warm with underwear instead of caps because people kept taking the caps home. / Who'll receive the blame if these children grow up being "Shitheads."
A former government staffer's sex romp inside a tropical territorial Australian parliament chamber has been ruled out of order, with an inquiry ordered on Wednesday into his night of parliamentary passion. / Parliamentary rules state the only screwing emanating from a parliamentary chamber, should be that of the public.
A German artist obtained official permission to be buried with his rubber woman, which he loves to have sex with so much. / Commenting, the rubber woman stated, "I'm just grateful for the coffin, I'm so sore from all the times he's buried in me."
Today in 1781, Sir William Herschel discovered the planet Uranus. / I'm no astronomer, so don't understand why people ask me, "Any life on Uranus?
March 14
Vice President Dick Cheney brought a promise of more American military aid and friendship to Yemen. / Yemen response was, "This is aid? Praise Allah! We thought it was an American invasion
Coalition forces combed through the rubble of smashed caves in eastern Afghanistan on Thursday, searching for the al-Qaida network. / Apparently all they found were bats. You can tell bats by the high-pitched, ear-hurting sound emanating from them; wait a second, that's the wives left behind.
Commonwealth observers strongly condemn Zimbabwe's presidential election, saying it was not free and fair. / Alas, the issue seems to be of hanging shads, er being hung and shipped to Chad
Israel moved deeper into the West Bank on Thursday. / Right at the back of the Bank was a sign reading, "Jesus deposits here, Indeed Jesus Saves, Jesus Saves
An American study has found nearly half of the roads in their nation's largest cities are uneven, cracked or rutted, and nearly a fourth need immediate repairs. / On the other hand never has there been a more wonderful time to be in the muffler, shocks and exhaust business.
American and Canadian troops have launched "Operation Harpoon."/ In an unconfirmed related story Rosie O"Donnell has gone public to fight Florida law.
The most distant galaxy yet found is giving astronomers a glimpse of what the early Universe was like. / Seems like trouble occurring in it's Middle East portion
Many of the 1,200 people detained in the wake of the September 11 attacks on the United States have had their human rights violated, including their right to know why they have been held, Amnesty International said on Thursday. / On the other hand, never had those detainees ever had a larger accommodations and three squares a day.
Former baseball star Darryl Strawberry was kicked out of a Florida drug rehab center because he repeatedly broke rules by having sex with a fellow patient, smoking, shaving his head and other transgressions, according to a state report released Wednesday. / You can't engage in those types of activities in rehab, for that, you need prison.
John Lennon's widow, Yoko Ono, bought the late Beatle's childhood home in Liverpool and donated it to their National Trust, which preserves their heritage homes. / Who cares? The bitch still broke up the Beatles.
March 15
Israeli tanks pulled out of the West Bank town of Ramallah early Friday, witnesses said, hours after U.S. envoy Anthony Zinni began another effort to halt Palestinian-Israeli violence. / The citizens were quite tankful for being tankless.
OPEC has agreed in principle not to alter its official output of crude oil until its members meet again in June to assess market conditions. / In surprising candor, they further announced, "we're dictated to by politico and oil companies self-interest so ultimately principle schprinciple."
Crown Prince Abdullah said he was motivated to develop a peace proposal for the Middle East in part to show the world that Muslims and Arabs are a peace-loving people. / The other reason was to distract from the heat he was facing, regarding his gambling and whoring in Monaco.
Hong Kong police arrested sixteen Falun Gong followers yesterday. / Seeking international support the Chinese are trying to link the Falun with al-Qaida
President Bush on Thursday proposed a three-year, $5 billion program to provide aid for developing nations as long as they respect human rights, fight corruption, educate their people and open their markets/ Clarifying things, Bush added, "Okay, the first three are a wish list, but the fourth, is absolutely essential, at least regarding the States
Biblical Bethlehem was besieged Thursday by both sides in the escalating Israeli-Palestinian conflict. / Apparently, Jew and Muslim were seeking the Christian Messiah there; at his birthplace. Various times both sides shouted out, "Jesus Christ!"
The Afghanis are filing for compensation involving American air attacks. / One case, perhaps, not the saddest, but still probably with a good chance to win is; the gentleman, who while riding his camel, was fired upon and consequently spilled coffee on his lap.
Two women committed suicide with their cat in Berlin early on Friday by jumping together from the 23rd floor of a high rise building, police said./ Categorizing this as a catastrophe, you wonder, what was the catalyst
Today in 1975, Greek shipping magnate Aristotle Onassis died near Paris at age 69. / The world was shocked, they figured after he married Jacqueline Kennedy, he'd never experience 69.
Eighty-nine years ago, today in 1913, President Wilson held the first open presidential news conference. / The first question asked, "President Wilson, what did you know of, and when did you know it?"
March 18
United States envoy Anthony Zinni brought top Israeli and Palestinian security officials together Monday for talks on an Israeli pullout from Palestinian- ruled areas and a cease-fire. / Unfortunately, for the envoy he's not garnered much respect as artillery-firings has left Palestinian and Israeli hearing-impaired. Consequently when the Americans introduced "Our envoy Tony Zinni" the two sides heard "Oy vey Total Ninny."
FBI chief Robert Mueller said Monday evidence showed without doubt that the Saudi-born bin Laden and al Qaeda were trying to obtain biological, chemical and nuclear weapons. " However, we have not seen any definitive evidence that he was successful."/ He concluded, "There's still no reason not to incarcerate people now, and suspend certain liberties for all; while the polling numbers are still on our side."
Some restaurants in Britain are forcing customers who like their meat rare to sign a disclaimer form before eating due to fears of the risk of E-coli and salmonella poisoning. / The fact you are eating British "cuisine", isn't that sufficient evidence you don't care about yourself?
Prostitutes working in a Berlin brothel have been offered employment contracts with a 40-hour working week and a profit-sharing scheme, a German newspaper reported Monday. / The brothel is hoping with "piece" in the workplace they can "come" to be Germany's largest "holesaler".
More than 300 British couples could lose the chance of conceiving through artificial insemination after a freezer fault at a sperm bank, a Scottish hospital said. How ghastly! This might mean, the Brits resorting to sex.
Older men are better lovers and have fewer impotence problems than their younger counterparts, according to a British, female psychologist/ Of course keeping these numbers "up" were younger men; when told, becoming either impotent with rage or impotent with laughter.
Yesterday, of course was Saint Patrick's Day. / I can't believe how many think I'm Irish, they're always Prefacing my surname with an "O"
A senior member of Britain's Labour government is facing calls for his resignation after animals on a farm in which he has a big financial stake were maltreated and abused/ According to Conservative members of Parliament, you don't treat animals that way, whereas servants however...
Today in 1974, most of the Arab oil-producing nations ended their embargo against the United States. / They knew if not ended soon an innovative country like America would find alternative fuel source.
One year ago yesterday, OPEC decided to curtail its official output by 4 percent, or 1 million barrels of oil a day, in an effort to halt a recent slide in oil prices, a decision the Bush administration called "disappointing."/ Of course a Bush administration would label "disappointing" any slide in oil profits.
March 19
In the wake of American Vice-President Dick Cheney’s visit to the Mid-East, Israel is mounting some major pullouts. / Pardon my naivete can you be mounting and pulling out simultaneously?
United States has offered an olive branch to Arafat. / Perhaps, Arafat would be quicker picking it up if it didn't involve laying across Dick Cheney's knee and receiving it several times over.
Millions of dollars in cash has been stolen from a security van raid at Heathrow Airport - the second in five weeks. / However the good news is; if the robbers tried this inside rather than outside, every orifice of their body would have been searched.
Actor Ben Kingsley after being knighted by the Queen and said the experience makes winning an Oscar "pale into insignificance". / I'd think so; one's a night in that "hood", whereas the other is a knighthood
A half-brother of Osama bin Laden says the terrorist's family has its own information that bin Laden is alive. / Apparently the information comes from the Domino's guy delivering to the family's basement recroom
The US has offered to sell South Korea three sophisticated Aegis warship defense systems for an estimated US$1.2 billion, the Pentagon said on Monday, adding the system would help its Asian ally protect itself. / South Korea is expected to snap up the offer, than tell America, "leave."
Some crooks took Larry Alford's vehicle and the $15,000 specially-made prosthetic arm he uses when he plays golf. / Hmn, auto theft or armed robbery?
A man who had sex with a goat in full view of a trainload of commuters was today jailed for six months. / The man claims, "C’mon I was just kidding."
One protester says of the elementary school PTA's dog auction fundraiser: "This has huge ramifications." If we start auctioning off live animals, what comes next? Children? Other people? / A judge has ruled the protester's stupidity or naivete shall allow him to be put to sleep if not claimed within fifteen days.
A one-legged inmate set to be executed Thursday has requested an artificial leg so he can walk to the death chamber, but Texas prison officials said Tuesday he would not get it. / In truth, Texas is doing this out of compassion. They don't wish the prisoner to have the illusion of false-hope, by giving him a leg to stand on.
March 20
Israelis and Palestinians have both hinted a truce could be declared as early as Thursday. However, the militant Islamic Jihad group that claimed responsibility for Wednesday's bombing and said it would not abide by any cease-fire agreement until Sharon stops killing Palestinians/. Salaam Jihad; cease-fire means both sides, besides Allah has informed me very few virgins left.
Wednesday's severe sandstorm in North China was the worst in over a decade in terms of strength, impact and the area affected, according to their National Meteorological Center. / Sorry, it turns out no sandstorm, just the swirling ashes of Falun Gong members.
A series of disasters culminating in the massive flop of Mariah Carey's album Glitter will cost one fifth of EMI's workforce their jobs. / It was a case of the massive lay-offs or letting the executive go that signed Carey; so, management had no alternative but to side with management.
The United States has complained to Saudi Arabia about a newspaper article, which alleged that Jews add human blood to pastries they eat at the festival of Purim. / In fairness to the Saudi's, the pastry is bloody good, even if the allegation is bloody stupid.
The Canadian Alliance Party will receive two hours of national airtime tonight, as they have their leadership race. / Alliance members please take note, that’s airtime, not err time.
Canadian figure skater Shae-Lynn Bourne turned a few heads at the world figure skating championships Tuesday; exposing more flesh than planned because of a costume problem. . / They don't call it figure skating for nothing.
A man, in Bessemer, Alabama tried to burglarize a barbecue joint, but had to be rescued by firefighters after getting stuck in the vent/ Afterwards, the police took him away, for grilling.
In New Jersey, two middle-aged men were charged with using "fart spray" in a ShopRite supermarket. / As New Jersey is home to many oil-refineries, one can only presume the charges were nonauthourized beautification.
Physicist, mathematician and astronomer Sir Isaac Newton died in London on this date in 1727. / Apparently, Newton was sitting under an apple tree when an apple falling at a rate exceeding gravitational pull, conked, concussed and eventually killed the great scholar.
Today in 1969, John Lennon married Yoko Ono in Gibraltar. / Gibraltar natives, asked Lennon if he could kindly take his bride elsewhere, as the monkeys on the rock, couldn't tolerate her screeching.
March 21
President Bush, toured the crossing point where goods come in from Mexico, during his visit to the Bridge of the Americas. He also poked around cargo trucks and a motorcoach recently seized by agents after high-tech density meters and X-rays detected secret compartments containing drugs./ Bush almost caught a guard napping, when he asked, "Do you know where this dope is from?"
Fox network is developing "Girl Next Door: The Search for a Playboy Centerfold," a two-hour special that will follow 12 women vying for the chance to take it all off in Playboy./ Personally, I may watch it just to discover Playboy's methodology.
A court ordered on Wednesday that the husband of late French porn star Lolo Ferrari be detained while undergoing an investigative probe, for her murder. / Waxing philosophically, the husband stated, "You marry a porn star, sometimes you conduct, other times you are subjected, to an investigative probe."
Salman Rushdie is once again free to fly on Air Canada after the airline backed down Tuesday from its policy of refusing to carry the author. / Mr. Rushdie, just because you can, doesn't mean you have to, I believe you've suffered enough without enduring Air Canada's lack of leg room or surly hostesses.
Frank Coleman, a spokesman for the Distilled Spirits Council, speaking on NBC's decision to postpone its plan to break a self-imposed ban on hard-liquor ads, stated" They say they buckled under to the critics. We say that too, but clearly beer wants the marketplace to itself." / In fairness, Mr. Coleman, the world can tell you America's brewing industry doesn't market an alcoholic beverage.
According to New Scientist magazine, scientists soaking meat in liquid have made it grow. / If my recollections are accurate, I believe I felt my meat growing when inserted in a damp, warm place.
Thousands of Britons celebrating Queen Elizabeth's Golden Jubilee this summer will be waving Union Jack flags, made in Germany. / Really? Can't Britain be patriotic, like the rest of the world and get their flags made in China?
The Baghdad press announced on Wednesday that two new novels, which Iraqi writers believe to be written by President Saddam Hussein, would be issued soon. / Hussein must be a helluva writer, for over a month throughout Iraq, the book is already the nation's #1 bestseller. German anatomy professor Gunther von Hagens celebrated Wednesday after the British government gave the all clear to his exhibition of flayed human corpses in London's East End. / Call me prudish, squeamish or delicate but displaying the body of somebody known in life as Arthur, doesn't make this art
Dublin bus staff are going undercover in a bid to smoke out passengers who light up illegally./ Geez, you'd think somebody lighting a tobacco or marijuana product would be a source of relief from the other lighters.
March 22
President Bush speaking at the United Nations poverty summit promised ``a new compact for development'' in the world's most desperate regions. / Uncertain what that meant we turned to an economist who explained, "By this, President Bush means, the poor should have compacts, while the rich, have stretch-limousines.
China Thursday urged the United States to stop interfering in China's internal affairs. /Meanwhile, Taiwan and Tibet urged China to stop interfering in their internal affairs.
British Conservative leader, Ian Duncan Smith said last night in his most personal attack on the Prime Minister, Tony Blair "ruthlessly" exploits his four children for political gain. / According to Smith, "Children should be sent to proper boarding schools and never be anything more than just an heir to the parents."
Britain's Prince Charles said he plans to use organic cocoa grown by farmers in Guyana for his own line of chocolate biscuits. / Not only biscuits; it's believed sooner, rather than later, Charles name will be synonymous with crackers.
Twenty-three third-graders were strip-searched at a Kansas City school after $5 in lunch money turned up missing. / It was really embarrassing for some of the girls as it was their time of month.
The Whitewater affair, which began a decade ago, nearly brought down a President and cost millions of dollars to investigate has finally ended/ A somewhat disappointed Bill Clinton, stated, "I was kind of hoping rather then ending on a whimper that it would have ended on a bang."
Thieves tried to snatch a diamond necklace from Liza Minnelli. They put their hand, through the open window of Minnelli's limousine and Liza, who is incredibly gracious to her fans, thought it was an autograph hunter. / Unfortunately, for the self-delusional Minnelli, the possibility of encountering fan instead of thief is remote.
Thai police said on Friday they had seized 100,000 fake Viagra pills and charged four men. / It's believed their clientele will be impotent with rage.
Pamela Anderson says she's been tested and she has hepatitis C. / Breaking the somberness of the situation, Anderson cracked, " Hey most tests I score a "D" or an "E" even my blood test I scored an "O".
Men, driven to their wits end by women suffering from premenstrual mood swings, can get an early warning via email and mobile phone text messages under a new service offered in Singapore. / Wait a second, there's days women don't have PMS?
March 25
Last night was "Oscar Night". The big winners were Lord of the Rings and a Beautiful Mind. One movie is about fairies, the other schizophrenia. / In other words both movies were about typical Hollywood families.
Records of Osama Bin Laden’s calls from his satellite phone reveal that the terrorist leader made more calls to Britain than any other country in the two years that he used the phone. / Commenting his mother exclaimed, "Sure some British floozy he'd call. But his mother? Never, I say never, not Christmas, Passover, gevalt, not even Mother’s Day."
The Pope failed for the first time to celebrate open-air Mass in St Peter’s Square on Palm Sunday. / Pondering Pontiff, perhaps persuades people, possibly, Pope pooped.
Arafat given a new ultimatum; was given 48 hours by the Israelis, Saturday to bring an end to violence if he is to be allowed to travel to an Arab summit in Beirut on Wednesday. / In the newest, newest ultimatum, Israel has given Arafat thirty minutes to have his children turn down their stereo.
The Justice Department has launched an investigation into the Immigration and Naturalization Service and why an immigration official improperly allowed four Pakistani crewman -- who have now disappeared -- to come ashore. / It's believed two will destroy America financially, working at Seven Eleven's and charging triple grocery prices, the other two will physically destroy Americans, driving taxis and taking their passengers on jarring rides.
Massachusetts Democratic Rep. Edward Markey on Monday released new documents from a federal agency that he claims reveal a "black hole" in security measures at the nation's 103 nuclear power plants./ Osama is feared, poised and ready to exploit the biggest black hole, Markey's mouth, that revealed all that.
Brazilian authorities admit that "contemporary forms of slavery" in which workers are held in unpaid, coerced labor continue to flourish. / In North America, that's called Welfare substitute.
A gay man married a lesbian woman friend in Hong Kong on Monday in order to try to claim housing benefits available only to heterosexual couples. / Interesting they get married have no sex, get housing; whereas a straight couple gets married, gets screwed and one loses housing.
William Scholl, known as Dr. Scholl's died March 15 from a rare form of pneumonia at a hospice on the Isle of Man, an island off the northwest coast of England. He was 81. Though, he was well-healed, he'll always be remembered for his gentle sole.
The increase in blood pressure associated with drinking coffee does not pose a serious health risk, a long-term study of more than 1,000 American doctors has found. / However, the increase in blood pressure when finding out the price of a Mocha Grande with sprinkles could be fatal.
March 26
Earthquakes have hit Afghanistan and 2,000 are feared dead. / God's spokesperson stated, "That's not merely for the Taliban; but all factions, no squabbling or poppy growing."
Arafat told the ABC television network: ‘‘they (Israelis) are putting on my shoulders conditions. Do you accept it if you are in my place? I'm making 100 percent effort, but no one can (get) 100 percent results except God.''/ Very true Yasser, however maybe things would take a leap forward if your "God" wasn't promising your suicide attackers seventy-two virgins.
In Britain, The House of Lords unexpectedly blocked new laws toughening up farm legislation to prevent another domestic foot-and-mouth outbreak. / It's not that the usually slumbering body wishes to allow the disease; it's just when they read " new laws prevent foot-and-mouth outbreak" they mistook it for a "gag-order" legislation.
The fragile bone disease osteoporosis is more widespread in Britain and Europe than thought, research suggests. / Speaking nonauthourized for North American men let me tell these women, if it'll be helpful, we'll gladly slip you a bone.
Public libraries and civil liberties groups in the United States are challenging a federal law, which requires schools, and libraries to filter access to the Internet. They've gone to court, arguing that the Children's Internet Protection Act is a form of censorship and violates the constitutional right to freedom of information. Arguing that the best solution is to train children how to use the Internet responsibly. / Really, that should work as well for children as it does for adults
The main opposition party in Zimbabwe has published a 200-page document detailing what it says was massive rigging of the election which returned President Robert Mugabe to power earlier this month. / Mugabe responding candidly admitted, "there were many ballots with hanging and dimpled shads that we were forced to discard."
AOL Time Warner has said it will write off $54billion of assets in its accounts for the first three months of 2002. / Fortunately, despite the heavy loss, no CEO will lose his position, though some are expected to receive multi-million dollar severance’s and retire.
Memphis has ended up the winner in the bid to land Tyson's fight with heavyweight champion Lennox Lewis. / Winner? Anyway, never since Elvis left Graceland has one person been expected to chomp so much.
Throngs of screaming teenagers, mostly young girls, greeted pop princess Britney Spears on her arrival at Leicester Square for the British premiere of her first movie "Crossroads."/ Mostly young girls? Are the British mostly homosexual or is it their men are discrete?
Today in 1827, composer Ludwig van Beethoven died in Vienna. / There was much tea but no symphony.
March 27
Tonight is the start of Passover for the Jews. On this night Jews ask four questions asking, "Why is this night different than any other night?"/ There is many ways this night is different than most nights for Jews, the most prominent is in answer to the "why's?" one doesn't hear, "why nots."
Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman General Hugh Shelton, was listed in stable condition, at the Walter Reed Army Medical Center in Washington, after suffering a spinal injury in a weekend fall at his home. / The object responsible for Shelton's fall shall be detained in Guantanamo Bay pending questioning.
President Bush announced Doctor Richard Carmona as his nomination for Surgeon General. / It's believed as a Bush appointment the Doctor knows guns don't kill people, people kill people, that the biggest environmental hazards are trees and cattle flatulence and most importantly oil spills contribute to only making something easier to deep-fry.
A Spanish priest fed up with mobile phones ringing during Mass has installed an electronic jammer. / Commenting the priest stated, "Ask ye not for whom the cellular rings, for it ringeth not for thee." The Arab summit to discuss a Saudi peace plan for the Middle East opened in Beirut minus Egyptian and Jordanian leaders. / It's uncertain whether the remaining leaders displayed mocking or solidarity; when they all individually sent Arafat post card "wishing you were here."
Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton arrived in Dublin, yesterday. / At the Blarney Stone she made several comparisons between the rock and her husband. The obvious both are associated with Blarney, they both can cause awkward positioning to kiss, they both have been kissed by countless women, neither has a conscience and no matter what, she knows where to find either any time.
In Thailand a vote recount has been delayed because of ballot-eating mice. / A spokesperson stated, "We don't know if the results are for a souse, or for somebody's spouse, all we know for sure it's seems a Thai, because of some ballot-eating mouse."
The British government unveiled plans Tuesday to free gambling from old regulations, a change backers hope - and detractors fear - will bring glitzy, Las Vegas-style casinos to a dowdy British seaside resort. / Finally in Britain something that's a bigger gamble than their National Health Services.
Pop-up toilets that rise from the ground at night will be installed in central London in a bid to dissuade late-night male revelers from urinating against walls and doorways. / At one time the sun never set on the British Empire; nowadays in Britain after sunset-urination.
Today in 1512, Spanish explorer Juan Ponce de Leon sighted Florida. / Of course it was mostly occupied by Canadian "snowbirds" except Miami, which was split between elderly Jews, and Cubans.
March 28
Last night many Jewish homes were the scene of Passover meals. The most prevalent food at these meals is matzoth. / There's two kind of matzoth, female and male. You can tell the male by the matzoth balls.
A somewhat reluctant, President Bush, signed landmark campaign finance legislation. The National Rifle Association was first in line to file its legal challenge against the legislation. / The National Rifle Association, not merely about guns but deciding the big shots too.
Arab leaders on Thursday endorsed a Saudi plan to offer Israel "normal relations" in return for full withdrawal from Arab lands, a Lebanese minister said. / Unfortunately for Israel, the leaders definition of Arab lands is all of Israel.
An Australian firm unveiled an electronic shark repellant unit that attaches to a swimmer's ankle and emits an electronic field to ward-off sharks. / That's the good news; the bad news is until the shark attacks you really don't know if it's working.
Undersecretary of Defense Comptroller Dov Zakheim described steps his department is taking to curb credit card misuse at the Pentagon. / Good news for the American taxpayer as general staff won't be allowed to rent porn on the public purse. Good news for the Upper Brass luxury lunches and expensive outings considered the cost of doing business.
Tens of thousands of Manhattan residents suffered post-traumatic stress disorder or depression in the weeks after the September 11 terrorist attacks, a survey found. / I'm guessing this is why they conduct surveys; possibly in this particular case they were looking to see if New Yorkers were elated about the new view.
A pregnant Kuwaiti woman accused of using a stolen passport to elope with her Indian lover has been jailed after skipping a bail appearance. / You can only hope for the future child's sake that there's no miscarriage of justice.
Federal regulators have ruled that a racy Victoria's Secret fashion special that featured supermodels strutting around in underwear did not violate indecency regulations. / Hopefully, next time
Five years ago today a medical examiner revealed that some members of the Heaven's Gate cult who'd committed suicide in a California mansion had also been castrated in apparent pursuit of the group's ideal of androgynous immortality. / Destroying any chance of them being there for a Second Coming.
Today in 1979, America's worst commercial nuclear accident occurred inside the Unit 2 reactor at the Three Mile Island plant near Middletown, Pennsylvania. / The good news is for twenty-three years that nobody from Middletown has needed to pay for an X-Ray.
March 29,
Today worldwide for millions of Christians it’s Good Friday. Traditionally Christians view Jews as being ironic. / Today’s the supposed anniversary of their savior’s death but nevertheless they call it Good Friday.
Passover continues today for the Jews. Modern archeological evidence disputes the probability of Moses and the Exodus. / What seems irrefutable is the Jews being the first ones to be told, "take two tablets and…
Adjusted for inflation, the amount America spent in 1949 on international aid and diplomacy was $66,400,000,000. This year the United States plans on almost two-thirds less $23,800,000,000. / I guess it’s just cheaper to bomb the hell out of some country.
The last year in which a country other than Afghanistan was the world’s top source of refugees was 1980. / At the award ceremonies this year, there was a touching moment, when Afghanistan acknowledged, "This year we couldn’t have done it without America’s help."
Today, Arafat, speaking by telephone to Al Jazeera television from his Ramallah headquarters stated "I hope I will be a martyr in the Holy Land."/ When a guy wishes to be dead and with seventy-two virgins, you know he must have deep marital problems.
President Bush said Thursday he is working to ensure that no terrorist organization allies itself "with some of the world's worst leaders who harbor and develop the world's worst weapons."/ Confession time folks, I have horrendous grammar skills. Does this mean Bush is telling terrorist organizations "come back to the CIA and American weapons?"
In Slidell, Louisiana, two thieves left a fifteen-mile-long-trail of spilt doughnuts after stealing a Krispy Kreme truck. / In life there's certain things you don't do, you don't tug on Superman's cape, you don't spit into the wind and because of cops relationship with doughnuts; you don't make a doughnut company your victim.
World Cup soccer action is taking place in Japan. Trying to reassure the Japanese about British fans, their Home Office minister John Denham said travelling supporters may be "enthusiastic, exuberant, noisy", but they are not hooligans/ He added "Okay they also might be moronic idiots, , low on the evolutionary scale and bloody criminals but most definitely they're not hooligans."
A California lawmaker has proposed slapping a tax on popular soft drinks to help reduce rocketing rates of childhood obesity. / He stated "Even if it doesn't work there's no reason why we shouldn't make money on obesity too."
Today in 1867, the British Parliament passed the North America Act to create the Dominion of Canada. / Canadians didn't want to go and only after Britain changed the locks, that Canada acknowledged this event on July 1.
April 01
Today is April 1’ST; also known as April Fools in many places. / Considering how many fools there are worldwide and how many prominent in government, you’d think they’d have given themselves more than a day.
The Queen's mother died this weekend. The grief in England is palpable. / Somehow, times of sorrow unite the British people and you know however sad and damaged, the distillery industry will recover. Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat is on the verge of being cut off from the outside world with dwindling supplies of food and water. / Quit whining Yasser, call Dominoes it will be there in thirty minutes or it's free.
An American official, speaking on condition of anonymity stated, "we believe we've captured Abu Zubaydah, but we're not 100% certain of that at this point" Abu Zubaydah is the mastermind of the 11 September attacks in America. Clarifying things further, he added, "Indeed I'm an official, or perhaps not, of some key or possibly insignificant organization and we've either captured or hired this guy that's perhaps somebody or not, maybe."
The Netherlands has legalized euthanasia. / Please be very specific when booking your travel arrangements there, that you state whether you'd like to include a tour of the red or white light zone.
Indian scientists have come up with a cure for flatulence, by blasting guilty foodstuffs such as beans with gamma rays they knock out the offending chemicals that cause the problem. / Kind of like fighting fire with fire, except they're using a cutting device to eliminate a cutting device.
The Pope is planning to name Saint Don Bosco, a 19th-century Italian priest with a passion for magic, as the patron saint of conjurers, magicians and wizards. / Appealing to Harry Potter fans, apologizing to alter boys for their altering, the Pope is really going after the youth demographic. Probably the soon to be announced video, singing with Britney Spears should put him over the top.
Estimates show the monkey population in Hong Kong is growing as much as 10 percent a year, far faster than what is thought to be sustainable. / Citizens fear, as the monkey population grows, they'll capture the few university spaces and their more frugal-lifestyle may drive wages down.
Saturday was the anniversary of the date in 1842, when Dr. Crawford W. Long of Jefferson, Georgia, first used ether as an anesthetic during a minor operation. / The idea became so popular, even patients started taking an anesthetic too.
A year ago yesterday riot police laid siege to Slobodan Milosevic's villa in an attempt to bring the former Yugoslav president to justice. But a defiant Milosevic rejected a warrant, reportedly telling police he wouldn't "go to jail alive. / Damn! Only if he'd had been honest.
April 02
Fierce fighting rages between Israeli forces and Palestinian gunmen, as Ariel Sharon says he doesn't rule out exiling Yasser Arafat./ The only thing believed stopping Sharon, is there's no Palestinian state to exile Arafat to.
The results of the often-dirty election in the Ukraine looks like a hung parliament./ Seems, Madonna was prepared to leave her matrimonial home, until somebody explained what that meant.
Today is the 20th anniversary of the Argentine invasion of the Falkland Islands and its being remembered in Port Stanley and Buenos Aires./ While both sides of the conflict have reconciled without much acrimony, there are some bitter sheep who felt they were just screwed and forgotten.
Countries that are chiefly Islamic are divided on whether the definition of terrorism extends to Palestinian suicide bombers. / Claiming fairness, they rightfully pointed out, " a terrorist persists but these people do one mission then quits."
A Dracula theme park in Transylvania has attracted enough investments for the project to go ahead. / It had initially looked doubtful because while looking for investors, the park maintained they wished for nobody to have a stake.
The Queen's mother died this weekend; living almost to 102. / Most grieved about it is Prince Charles who stated, "even allowing for their age differences mother is healthier then grandma, shit, I'll never live long enough to be king.
Some Afghani officials and villagers say that senior al-Qaida and Taliban officials are meeting to put final touches on their spring and summer guerrilla campaigns. / The officials and villagers have reassured American forces if you must hit us again, we'll sacrifice, it's okay drop those food bombs again.
Family and friends gathered Monday to say farewell to Milton Berle at a memorial service. / In fitting tribute many guests tried to steal their fellow guest's eulogy and use it as their own.
Belfast City Council opened a weeklong Titanic festival, to coincide with ship's maiden voyage on April 2, 1912. / It's uncertain whether former American President Bill Clinton will be in attendance, as he too, is famous for things going down
Two policemen were suspended in the eastern Indian City of Calcutta after one of them allegedly bit the hand of a truck driver who refused to pay a bribe. / Of course they bit him, afterall they're smart enough to know you don't bite the hand that feeds you.
April 03
Today Israeli tanks have surrounded the Church of the Nativity, where armed Palestinians have taken refuge. / A totally wasted peace effort by Israel took place as they tried to distribute a bucket and mug to every Palestinian. Claiming bewilderment, Sharon asked, "didn’t they say there would be peace, when for every Palestinian there would be a pail and stein?
Egypt announced today a downgrading of its relations with Israel, saying contacts would be restricted to those that serve the Palestinian cause. / Israeli response was, "Gee, when your best friends turn on you, time for some self-examination."
The former Argentine economy minister, Domingo Cavallo, has been arrested in connection with illegal arms sales to Croatia and Ecuador in the 1990s. / The minister had forgotten one of his countries basic tenements, "don't supply from me, Argentina".
Margaret Thatcher stated, "I am fighting fit," at her book signing session. Lady Thatcher, recently has suffered a series of minor strokes. / Consequently it's believed she meant to say, "I am fighting fits."
Large expanses of the world's forests are in rapid decline and could be lost much sooner than expected, a new report by an environmental research group says. / Okay, I for one pledge not to buy Thatcher's new book, nor anything by Jackie Collins or Danielle Steele.
Anna Kournikova, as April gets underway, has Adidas warning her that her on-court form must improve if she is to keep her current lucrative endorsement deal. / Two points Adidas, she has great on-court form and off-court form and you may pull your contract but that shan't stop the love.
American Taliban" John Walker Lindh faces three charges that carry a maximum life sentence and another seven could result in an additional 97 years in prison. / Wow! With that kind of sentence in Canada, he'd be seeing no chance of parole; for at least eighteen months.
A Bosnian Serb military officer pled innocent to charges of genocide and war crimes at the international tribunal in The Hague. / His defense is, "I was only following orders."
The Turkish Government says it will not give way to the hunger strikers protesting at changes to the country's prisons. / For those of you who saw the movie Midnight Run and the love-life Turkish prisoners enjoyed, you might understand the protest, for those of you to who the reference is obscure, sorry.
Teen-agers who watch more than an hour of television a day are much more likely to become violent than the rare adolescent who watches less, researchers reported. / Sure that's because those who watch less television are a bunch of ineffectual brainy nerds.
April 04
BTW folks most of u dinna understand yesterday’s joke Re: Pail and Stein being Palestine, just makes me grateful I dinna suggest handing out a copy of Boris Karloff’s classic Frankenstein.
The first 600 troops in Afghanistan's new army finished six weeks of basic training Wednesday. / It just remains to be seen how soon before they take that new knowledge and technology and kick the States out of their country.
North Korea has offered to reopen peace talks. A White House spokesman said Wednesday, "that the United States is prepared for dialogue with the communist Pyongyang regime "anytime, anywhere."/ He added, "that's with the proviso we don't have to reactivate this axis of terror nonsense to ensure Bush's popularity for reelection."
One of the 300 prisoners the United States military is holding in Cuba says he was born in Louisiana to Saudi parents and is an American citizen. / In an attempt to prove it, he likes all his food charred and while citing "life is like a box of chocolates," he also tells over 1000 ways to prepare shrimp.
The arrest of Abu Zubaydah, the top surviving operational commander of the al-Qaida terror organization, is one of the most significant accomplishments in the U.S. war on terrorism, officials and experts said. / Adding, afterall the whole purpose of the incursion was to get Osama, otherwise this just looks like an attack on Afghanis, or worse, Muslims.
The Internal Revenue Service announced Wednesday it won't require documentation for people who made donations making it simpler for taxpayers to claim deductions. / Great! This should allow CEO's to give generously. Unfortunately most CEO's believe charity starts and stops at home.
The president of the U.S. Roman Catholic bishops' conference said Wednesday that molestation scandals involving priests wouldn’t end until church leaders take definitive steps to restore parishioners' trust. / Perhaps in private, it would be better practice, not to greet female parishioners by saying, "sister, get down on your knees before me."
A Japanese whaling fleet was bound for home Wednesday with 440 minke whales killed during a six-month scientific expedition in Antarctic waters, fishing officials said. / Top Japanese scientists confirmed, "it seems our suspicions are correct, however slaughtering another multitude might erase any doubt; whale does amazingly taste like sushi."
The nation's airports face at least $2 billion in construction costs to make room for machines to detect explosives. Officials say they're unsure how many machines they need, where they should be installed or who will pick up the cost. / One door closes for Enron executives and another door opens.
Children born to couples who are first or second cousins have a lower risk of birth defects, significant mental retardation or serious genetic disease, than is commonly believed, according to a study. / Actually what it is, with dumbing down and mutations because of environmental pollutants, these people's defects just blend in with the rest of the populace.
Kathie Lee Gifford has settled a lawsuit with the National Examiner for an article they wrote about her son. / It's believed part of the settlement requires the Examiner to write some story on her, every few weeks, to keep her in the American public's eye.
April 05
Faced with mounting criticism for doing nothing about the escalating violence in the Mid-East, George Bush demanded that Israel pull its troops out of Palestinian cities. / It seems the terrorists Israel faces is different than the one America does; for one thing Israel’s terrorists have the support of countries with oil.
In Jerusalem a Palestinian women received the kidneys of an Israeli victim of a suicide attack in a transplant yesterday. / If only we could get both sides to transplant hearts and minds and see thing from the other’s view.
Ken Noguchi, a Japanese climber said yesterday he plans to bring down a frozen body and remove 1.5 tonnes of garbage from Mount Everest. / Highly commendable, afterwards he plans to play Felix in the remake of the Odd Couple.
The American military treatment of the detainees in Guantanamo has softened, with the prisoners getting spicy food that reminds them of home. The reasoning is "a happy prisoner is more likely to talk. / Many people initially weren’t happy with women in the military, but they must have been the one’s sharp enough to know "the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach."
Cliff Bradshaw an amateur treasure hunter has unearthed a 4000- year-old gold cup from the Bronze Age. / Just my luck to live in a parallel universe, I’ve unearthed a bronze cup from the gold age.
Today, they had a pre-funeral procession as they brought the Queen Mother’s body from Saint James’s Palace to Westminster Hall. / Of course Beefeaters were part of the procession, as well as other brands of gin.
Researchers say, some women who experience pain during sex may just have an unusually low pain threshold. / Or guys, it might be that you’re on their hair.
All detachments of the Alberta RCMP plan to equip themselves with stun guns. / Not to disparage Albertans, but aren’t there already enough stunned Albertans out there?
A farmer in a village in Alicante, Spain found a two-headed snake. The biological curiosity has four eyes and two tongues. / Okay, first there's Spanish fly, now this, don't try to tell me the Spanish don't have some kind of obsession.
Elizabeth Hurley had a baby boy yesterday. Today, Sarah Jessica Parker announced she’s pregnant. / Indeed there seems to be Sex in the City.
April 08
This weekend most of the world set their clocks forward. / The obvious exception being the Mid-east, where clocks still read pre-1947.
Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon said Monday that he is willing to meet with Arab leaders anywhere and without preconditions to discuss a Mideast peace agreement. / He added, C'mon folks things are a mess here, I really could use the break, please.
In Britain Lord Levy, one of Tony Blair’s closest and most trusted political aides is accused of having been paid £100,000 by an Australian property giant seeking planning permission to develop shopping malls across Britain. / While technically legal in Britain if disclosed, most Brits are nevertheless expected to be outraged; could he not get the money from a British property giant.
President George Bush and Tony Blair agreed on the need to rid Iraq of Saddam Hussein’s leadership. / Reached for comment Saddam stated, " Just wait, we'll see if they're on next years Happy Ramadan card list.
Taleban and Al-Qaeda forces are offering 113,000 Euro in return for any international coalition soldier caught alive and 56,000 Euro for a body. / Good news, bad news for Taleban and Al-Qaeda forces, with a budget of only 56,000 Euro they're not expected to go broke.
Chief Palestinian negotiator, Saeb Erekat, said that if Mr. Powell "doesn't want to meet President Arafat, I don't think he will meet any Palestinian officials. Powell aide, Homer Simpson offered, "Doh?"
Attorney General John Ashcroft is scheduled to tape an appearance with David Letterman on Tuesday, CBS said. / Meanwhile, also on Tuesday, Ted Koppel plans on interviewing actress Teri Garr.
France has learnt to swallow its pride along with imported frogs’ legs from Asia. / France no longer allows the use of domestic frogs for their gastronomic preparations consequently they have to import. / The imports are similar to France's except the legs are less hairy.
According to the results of the new research, young and successful British women like pornography, visiting strip-bars, and having sex in airplanes. / Perhaps not surprising is British males like the same thing, unfortunately for British women, British males, (highly tolerant of homosexuality) are attracted to the same partner as their women
35-year-old Muscovite, Yury Shimko has been accused of theft of lavatory brush and toilet paper holder. According to Vechernyaya Moskva, the court sentenced the thief to one-year probation. / Of course everything was pending until the paperwork was done
April 09
The queen's mother's funeral was today. There was traditional English pomp, somberness and dignity. / However, it was somewhat tainted by some over gleeful milliners.
Under growing American and world pressure, Israel began withdrawing Tuesday from two of the West Bank cities it occupied, Palestinian security sources said. / Still the Arab world is not pleased, just because those withdrawn tanks from Palestine are now being used to advance on Damascus.
America is changing it visa approval system. News that there was visa approvals for Atta and al-Shehhi - believed to be the men who guided two passenger jets into the towers of the World Trade Center stunned President George Bush. / Most Americans were somewhat surprised, having believed long before this, President Bush was already stunned.
The space shuttle Atlantis has lifted off from the Kennedy Space Center in Cape Canaveral in Florida after four days of delays. / Say what you will about the Americans, they never seem to have a premature launch.
Ethnic Pashtuns in Afghanistan are being attacked in a wave of violence that could undermine the country's future, a human rights group has claimed. / It seems America's goal of normalized relations within Afghanistan has been realized.
The queen mother was buried today. / They had considered cremation, but decided Britain had enough eternal flames.
World oil prices spiked as much as 6 percent in a fresh wave of anxiety after Iraq said it was halting crude exports for 30 days to demonstrate support for the Palestinians. / Of course America wishes to replace Saddam with a warrior that's intelligent and knows how to pick his fights, somebody like Mike Tyson.
Scientists have discovered the longest humans can stay awake is 264 hours (about 11 days). / Of course the time gets cut dramatically to twenty minutes, if the person is watching C-span.
A year ago today, American Airlines' parent company acquired bankrupt Trans World Airlines, becoming America's No. 1 carrier. / Most Americans males were quite grateful having developed a taste for TWA tea.
Today's birthdays include Playboy magazine founder Hugh Hefner who's 76, golfer Severiano Ballesteros is 45 and actress Cynthia Nixon of "Sex and the City" turns 36. / Maybe there's something to astrology afterall. It seems these people all have an inordinate interest in balls and a hole
April 10
Mourning Britons triggered one of the country's steepest ever dips in electricity demand as the nation paused to pay its respects to Queen Elizabeth, the Queen Mother. / No you can't construe that as meaning British feelings to an archaic institution such as monarchy makes them dim.
An embarrassed tournament official has admitted his error after an opening round match at the $585,000 Bausch & Lomb Championships was played on a wrongly measured Stadium Court. / The sad part about this is even though the official admits it was his error, it was the players that were faulted.
In Kingston, Ontario Richard Livingston assaulted his mother kneeing her in the crotch and throwing shoes and a shoebox at her. / Defining "chutzpa" Livingston stated he had considered murdering his parents and asking for mercy as an orphan.
Teacher Kathryn Olson accused of calling her middle school and saying she "hoped they found the bomb that was in the school;" admitted she phoned in the threat because of stress and she wanted the day off. / I'm not sure if the school was displaying forgiveness or condemnation by giving Olson plenty of days off.
Pizza Hut morning manager Peter Markovia, is accused of opening his store, leaving and robbing a bank that's just 100 yards from his workplace, then returning back to work. / Markovia claims the military slogan "we do more before 9:00 a:m than most people do all day", was his inspiration.
Maine's new $76 million prison has a glitch - cell doors popping open for no reason. . Correction officials say no prisoners have tried to escape or overpower guards as a result of the open doors but the problem has prison guards concerned for their safety. / Fortunately, an upturn in the economy has stopped people from breaking in.
Michael McNaught pleaded guilty to his sixth drinking and driving offense, but he was spared a jail term. Why? The judge apparently believed him when he said drank too much because he was upset about the terrorist attacks. / The judge also forgave his speeding; as McNaught explained, "I know I'm drunk and wish to hurry home before I cause an accident.
Freed, thanks to DNA evidence, former death row inmate Ray Krone celebrated his first full day of freedom Tuesday by taking a swim. Krone claims the swim was symbolic as he picked himself in the inmate’s freedom pool.
Asiana Airlines, Korea's second largest carrier announced Sushi and Peking duck will be served to Chinese and Japanese fans flying to the World Cup in South Korea to make them feel at home. / Of course domestic flights will continue serving dog.
Congress spent a record amount on "pork-barrel" projects last fall, including $50,000 for a tattoo removal program in California, according to a report released by a citizen's watchdog group. / That $50,000 was just so Cher could start over.
April 11
Pop star and AIDS activist Sir Elton John told a United States Senate panel on Thursday that the world's richest nation must do more to stop the world's worst epidemic. / However, Elton refused to elaborate on how to prevent the crass recycling of lyrics and tines for commercial purposes.
San Francisco's Catholic Archdiocese will "voluntarily cooperate" with a request to hand over its sexual misconduct records to the District Attorney. / That's the good news, the bad news in San Francisco homosexual behaviour isn't considered sexual misconduct.
Thai police have been banned from carrying water pistols during Thailand's annual New Year water festival, for fear they will reach for the wrong weapon when returning fire in friendly water fights. / This follows the ban on them carrying roosters at cockfights and going off half-cocked.
Three Chilean copper miners and their wives, who buried themselves in a mineshaft in a property dispute, may have to be removed by force, authorities say. / What's the problem, the authorities upset about being pre-empted and not getting to do the shafting themselves?
A 48-year-old homeless man and 13 others he hired to steal more than $100,000 from charities helping victims of the World Trade Center attacks were indicted on charges of grand larceny and forgery, officials say. / That's disgusting; if the man has that kind of entrepreneurship he shouldn't be homeless.
A 69-year-old California woman held three nail salon employees hostage for eight hours after her manicure, police say. Shouldn’t she simply have filed her complaint?
In Sewickley, Pennsylvania Reverend William Hausen was reassigned after he said in his Easter Sunday sermon that people should be "pissed off" about the sex scandals rocking the church, and advocated the ordination of women and married men. / What kind of clergy uses the phrase "pissed off" without supplying the adjective "effing"?
A widow who wants to use her dead husband's sperm to have a baby took her landmark legal battle to the Court of Appeal in London on Thursday. / The widow acknowledged, "I know he's departed, but nevertheless I feel entitled to his well come
Five years ago today, the Air Force announced that despite an intensive nine-day search, it couldn't find a bomb-laden A-10 warplane that had disappeared with its pilot during a training mission over Arizona. The Air Force doesn't seem to have much luck with laden, whether it be bomb-laden or Osama Laden.
Today in 1979, Idi Amin was deposed as president of Uganda as rebels and exiles backed by Tanzanian forces seized control. / Still a lot of Ugandans get a nostalgic look and remember the straight answer that was given when Amin was in power and they were asked, "so what's eating you?"
April 12
American Secretary of State Colin Powell is continuing his attempts to negotiate peace in the Mid-east. / He's explained to Arab leaders, Israel and America are separate entities and that America can't tell Israel what to do, he then explained to Israel that they better do what America tells them.
A senior Roman Catholic priest engulfed in a sex abuse scandal in the States pledges to carry on "as long as God gives me the opportunity". / Wasn't it God giving him the opportunity, which engulfed him in a sex abuse scandal?
Astronomers have detected dust from stars that died over 10 billion years ago. / First I'd like to know why astronomers are looking in my apartment. Second I've no idea how that dust got there.
An Irvine family living in an expensive gated community kept a 12-year-old Egyptian girl as a servant for 18 months, having her sleep on a filthy mattress in the garage and requiring her to work days as a maid instead of going to school, police stated. / Folks maybe you can do that in Egypt but not in California. In California the girl better be Hispanic, maybe Oriental.
Four young men who burglarized the vacation rental of Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake have no jail time. The merchandise taken from the home during the robbery included videotapes with "personal footage"which the burglars aren't allowed to discuss. / It's believed the "personal footage" on video show Spears and Timberlake engaging in all kinds of explicit and graphic nonsexual behaviour.
According to the National Mental Health Association, every year more than 19 million American Adults suffer from clinical depression. /Somewhat surprisingly, the rest seem to enjoy it.
A jobless drunk in China's rustbelt city of Shenyang threatened to blow himself up in a taxi in a standoff with police unless they gave him something to drink. The police gave him beer. / I hate to knock another government, but, that's how terrorism escalates, next terrorist there, they'll probably want something besides rice to eat.
Pamela Anderson and rap-rocker, rebel Kid Rock are now formally engaged. / Tommy Lee, breast implants, hepatitis, this woman is totally disregarding her health.
Today in 1961 Ray Charles won four Grammys, including Best Male Vocal Performance for ``Georgia on My Mind.''/ He claims he never thought he'd live to see the day.
Tomorrow will be the anniversary of 1986's, Pope John Paul II visit to a Rome synagogue. His was the first recorded papal visit of its kind. / At the time the Pope claimed so many places to wear my Pope hat, but only here did I find the comfortable place for wearing the yarmulke.