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The Archives - Regurevitchitated

Ramble

June 1

Christine Stewart, Canada's Environment Minister, yesterday introduced new regulations that will legislate slower gasoline flow at service -station pumps, saying faster flow rates increase the chances of spillage and also increase emissions of volatile organic compounds- a major contribution to urban smog./ I'm not exactly sure what spillage they've prevented but surely fortunes and Canadian's health have been saved by our dedicated civil servants.

The Toronto Maple Leafs' were eliminated from further playoff contention last night./ Hopefully God hasn't mistaken my prayers when I said I want "the Blue and White" to be victorious I wasn't talking Harris.

Schindler's widow is demanding millions from Steven Spielberg claiming she was more important in saving Jewish lives than her husband./ The KKK is suing Disney claiming to be whiter than Snow White.

Appeasement of censors cost (Gone With the Wind) producer David Selznick a $5000. fine back in 1939 (allowing for inflation presently that would be greater than $40,000.) just so Clark Gable could utter "damn" as in "Frankly my dear I don't give a./ You punks out there see free speech came with a cost

Mike Harris is touring with fibreglass jeans filling the pockets with 1910 loonies, claiming this is the amount the average family will save with all tax cuts given and proposed by his government./ Mike, please there's something called paper currency no need for fibreglass jeans unless you wish to illustrate it's a 'common cents" revolution; than carry 191,000 pennies. Actually I believe the fibreglass jeans are just protection for when things are burning Mike's ass.

The British Columbia government has set up a committee to study turning toilet water to tap water./ It should still however be possible to tell shit from shineola.

In Prince George the Mounties seized marijuana plants worth $1-milion street value. The plants were being grown indoors hydroponically and the police said when it matured it would yield a high value./ Excuse me officers I believe the value of marijuana is its high value.

Halifax city hall is installing two new clocks one which will keep real time and the other frozen at 9:04:35a.m. commemorating the famous explosion of 1917./ The good news for Haligoians is twice a day the one clock will be correct.

Hawaiian scientists have created the first male clone utilizing an adult cell. Apparently they snipped a piece of mouse tail to create the cloned mouse./ Duh, I'm no scientist but I could have told you, you needed tail.

Jean Chretien is considering sending Canadian peacekeeping troops to violence-plagued Columbia to assist their government./ Evidently there's no requirement presently for their lawn cutting skills.

June 2

The Prime Minister has counterattacked opposition MP's suggesting they just wish to destroy his reputation and they should take their allegations outside./ I'm sure those MP's will shut up now because no one does the Vulcan Death Grip better than our Prime Minister.

Androstenedione, Mark McGwire's favorite booster and creatine another thought to be muscle booster has scientists saying these may not actually assist athletic performance./ However the good news is they should save you a fortune on breast implants.

A resident of Tilden Lake phoned police regarding someone trying to break into her basement window. Police arrived to discover the someone was a bear./ Premier Harris hearing about this incidence on the campaign trail immediately promised boot camps for bears as his next get tough policy.

Norbert Reinhart, Canada's famous kidnap victim, has left his wife five months after his release to return to Columbia./ His supporters and business associates are baffled by this, but the simple truth; once you've had fine Colombian coffee you always return for seconds.

The Bank of Scotland's new direct banking venture with televangelist Pat Robertson came under fire as Mr. Robertson was quoted as saying "…in Scotland you can't believe how strong the homosexuals are."/ Come on now Mr. Robertson they're not homosexuals they're sheep fornicators.

Volvo cars may start to be manufactured in the United States./ Canada promises to be a recruiting area for crash test dummies

Canada's national women's soccer team demonstrated a lot of kicking and screaming yesterday in preparation for an exhibition game./ Most of the kicking and screaming resulted from their team being pared down to its final twenty.

The United States Figure Skating Association won't pursue a sexual-misconduct complaint filed by former Detroit Skating Club coach Craig Maurizi against his former coach Richard Callaghan stating they had no jurisdiction because Maurizi waited too long./ Meanwhile Maple Leaf Gardens accused deviants applied for a different venue.

Villahermosa, Mexico has banned its women employees from wearing mini-skirts and plunging necklines on moral grounds. I suspect there will be an appeal on morale grounds,.

The Toronto Transit Commission apologized yesterday to the city's Hispanic community for an advertisement sponsored by the Toronto Police Association, which depicts gang members from East Los Angles and asks voters to help fight crime by electing candidates who are prepared to take on drug pushers, pimps and rapists. The Transit Commission suggested perhaps the Police Association follow their lead and apologize as well./ I got news for the Hispanic community of Toronto, the Toronto Police don't apologize if Jane Doe and Judy Sgro are any indication; however they should provide a wonderful guide to donut take-outs.

June 3

The Ontario election is tomorrow./ Unfortunately for Howard Hampton, the New Democrat leader, this isn't The States; because people there flock to the Hamptons in summer.

The British are hoping to receive permission to operate Canadian clinical trials of a marijuana soup which delivers painkilling capabilities but no psychoactive effects./ Everybody knows the British are notorious for destroying everything and anything they cook.

Charismatic winner of the Kentucky Derby and Preakness has arrived in Belmont yesterday in readiness for Saturday's race./ After the race Charismatic is hoping to have basketball's great Wilt Chamberlain's lifestyle -put out to pasture and stud. Lets hope Charismatic doesn't go for Chamberlain's numbers, they could kill a horse.

Chapters book chain is doing moderately well on the stock exchange./ However before leaping on the bandwagon I suggest you make sure their books are opened to you.

AIDS has displaced tuberculosis as the biggest killer in the infectious disease department according to the World Health Organization./ If you know the person you're with has a highly infectious disease and you're not certain which one, safety suggests if they're not coughing avoid having sex with them.

Women now own 38per-cent of all firms in the United States according to the National Foundation for Women Business Owners./ However with divorce laws being what they are, women control 100per-cent of all businesses.

Inventor Karlernst Wiegand has implanted microchips into condoms so they play various musical numbers./ One hopes The William Tell Overture isn't one of the selections.

Researchers at Kansas State University have discovered flies killed by an electronic zapper disseminates viruses further afield./ Seems the old method of hanging them while slower was safer.

Ugandan President Yoweri Museveni offered amnesty to rebels yesterday, but warned they should surrender fast./ If they don't surrender by suppertime they may be supper.

Sebastien Brousseau was convicted of manslaughter in the killing of his mother but since has rehabilitated himself, studied law and wishes to be called to the Quebec bar; however the justice department there is undecided that someone who committed such a crime should be allowed to practice law/. Why not? If you can't be tried by your peers at least you could be defended by them.

June 4

Congratulations to the Ontario Progressive Conservatives for being reelected./ Condolences to special interest groups; parents, teachers, students, doctors, nurses, social workers, environmentalists and non-Bay St. Torontoians.

The Liberals finished second,/ proving that even voters that didn't like Mike at least liked Mike light.

The New Democrats were decimated, illustrating why Ontario and Canada don't have leaders like Tony Blair, Lionel Jospin and Gerhard Schroeder.

Hsing-Hsing the surviving Panda of the two the Chinese gave to the United States back in 1972 is suffering kidney failure that's irreversible but at least has stabilized./ Nature and animal lovers can only pray his remaining days are bearable.

Bill Gates announced he's giving the William H. Gates Foundation $5billion./ Apparently an honest dry cleaner found it in his pants pocket. Surprisingly the dilemma best usage of the money was answered by deciding - spend it on providing Microsoft Computers to the needy.

Justice Minister Johannes Koskinen of Finland has proposed legislation which if passed will recognize the union of homosexual couples./ Some people think homosexuality isn't normal but than some people think wearing alligator underwear and oh never mind.

The CFL may face strike action as their player association wants profit-sharing./ As team-owners claim there's no profits I'm unclear what's holding up an agreement.

North and South Korea have agreed to resume talks at the deputy minister level; issues will include how to arrange correspondence and meetings between family members separated since the Korean War of 1950-53. Getting the talks resumed has South Korea sending 200,000 tons of fertilizer to the North./ I support all peace initiatives anywhere, anytime, but starting off by sending the other side bullshit?

NATO may soon stop bombing Yugoslavia as peace seems possible./ Who would have thought the Serbs would have the Albanians out of Kosovo already and the NATO generals would be done playing with their toys.

An Edmonton man was accused of swallowing a diamond ring in a jewelry shop; police were called, escorted him to the hospital where an X-ray revealed the missing ring./ Just a case of a man with at least one fancy passing.

June 7

Parris Glendening's, Governor of Maryland, 19-year-old was charged with drunken driving over the weekend. The parents issued the following statement "Early this morning we received a call every parents dreads. Today our first duty must be as parents. We will offer Raymond our unconditional and abiding love, support and guidance./ Proving some things are universal; this translated means the boy is indefinitely grounded and the police officer who did the charging will be serving duty in the darkest parts of Baltimore.

Specialty Channel Court-TV, celebrating the fifth anniversary of O.J. Simpson's acquittal will present People V. Simpson: Unfinished Business starring Cochran, Kaelin, Vannatter, the victim's families and legal experts./ Always an audience favorite, reunion shows of their favorite series especially with favorite characters.

Mountain View, California has banned white plastic chairs from outdoor cafes as they're too difficult to keep clean./ I applaud this, but conversely where my understanding fails, is why they don't extend this ban to include wearing white shoes with a white belt; in fact it appears mandatory for day-wear and apparently it's white sheets at night.

Green Peace shall not be considered a charity according to Revenue Canada as it doesn't benefit mankind./ Apparently concern about the environment doesn't benefit people; but allowing corporate donations to political parties is a justifiable tax deduction.

Scientists using foreskin on skin damaged by burns, ulcers, wounds and other skin conditions have discovered that the damage gets repaired invisibly with the usage of foreskin./ No doubt Israel has discovered a new major export.

Inside Business, an Irish magazine held a competition to win a luxurious getaway weekend; however they neglected to print the question that entrants were required to answer to win; but still somehow they had a winner./ Sounds like the way some companies win government tenders.

Tony Blair and Prince Charles have lined up on opposite sides regarding genetically engineered foods with The Prince opposing the concept./ Looking at his ears one knows Charles must know something about genetic mutations.

Jane's Fighting Ships, the influential bible of military prowess is warning the lack of investment in the Canadian navy has it ranked below Mexico and Chile./ However our navy ranks ahead of Monaco, San Marino and Vatican City.

Svend Robinson has presented a petition on behalf of the Humanist Association of Canada calling for the removal of God from the Canadian constitution./ Perhaps influencing is the fact Mr. Robinson just recently returned from Kosovo which God seems to have forsaken.

Marilyn Monroe memobrillia will be auctioned off this October./ I understand the continued fascination of the lady; but how sick are you for wanting to get into her dress about forty years after she's dead.

June 8

Toronto's Metro Hall has become a hostel for the homeless./ Not to disparage the homeless but Metro Hall always seemed a shelter for the idle.

President Bill Clinton has called on Congress to insure that Americans with mental illness get the same benefits for depression as for an asthma attack./ I'm unclear what good an inhaler is suppose to do for depressed people unless they're inhaling something special.

Bernard Lord lead the New Brunswick Conservatives to a landslide victory./ In fairness let's say it had been predicted; many thought the Lord was coming in the millenium.

Parinya Kiatbusaba a transvestite kick-boxer wishes to wear a bra for his next fight as his breasts are growing through the usage of hormones./ Kiatbusaba's record is a perfect 30k.o.'s so his career shouldn't be a bust but rather end with plenty of mammaries.

Toronto City Hall hosted a party for the Toronto Maple Leafs celebrating how well they had done./ Next week expect a party for the New Democrats.

DuPont is laying off 1,400 polyester employees./ I've heard of syndicate employees but this is the first time I've heard of synthetic employees.

Advice for victims of muggings is to carry a second wallet filled with expired credit cards, foreign cash and automatic-teller receipts./ In the real wallet carry Canadian Tire money when visiting third world countries and pray they're none the wiser.

Raphael Cree is a 106-year-old aboriginal pushing for land claims that the Alberta government gave back in 1899./ According to Mr. Cree apparently the country went to hell when the Indians let the foreigners in.

The Dallas North Stars and Buffalo Sabres face each other for the Stanley Cup./ The competition is unbelievable; coaches, players, reporters and sportscasters compete to see who can provide the most clichés.

Under a zero-tolerance policy on weapons a 15-year-old girl may be expelled for bringing a nail clipper with a 2-inch knife to school./ In the United States they shout to protect their right to bear weapons; but how do you file this?

June 9

Grand Prix racer Jacques Villeneuve has been keeping company with Australian cover-girl Dannii Minogue./ Not to disparage Jacques but perhaps Ms. Minogue is pronouncing Prix incorrectly

Andre Agassi has parted company with Brooke Shields but has improved his game greatly./ Must have been all those strokes she took off his game.

Buzz Hargrove may lead his Canadian Auto Workers on strike to raise the income of contracted out workers./ If the strike is as successful as Hargrove's strategic voting plan; look for management types to have a nonprecedently wealthy year.

The New Democrats officially lost party status in the Ontario legislature as their numbers had been reduced to nine and the official requirement is twelve. Mike Harris has suggested when the house resumes sitting in the fall legislation will change the requirement down to eight as there's fewer MPP's now./ It seems to me Mike's favorite dance must be the Hokey Pokey. First you lay off 10,000 nurses then you hire them back again, then you strip New Democrats of party status then give it back again that's what it's all about.

Industry Minister John Manley says provincial governments must be involved if Ottawa is going to assist National Hockey League teams stay in Canada./ Party Quebecois members following party tradition are suggesting the Habs change their name to the Tats; hoping the federal cow has teat for Tat.

Buffalo won game one of the Stanley Cup finals./ However Dallas fans are optimistic; they feel they just require better field-goal kicking.

The Government of Canada, based on investigations by the Canadian Security Intelligence Service alleges Mahmoud Jaballah is an Islamic terrorist. In his defense Mr. Jaballah states he's simply a teacher./ By provincial government definition in Ontario terrorist and teacher is synonymous

The federal government looks posed to allow the usage of marijuana for medicinal purposes./ I expect we may become a culture of happy sick people.

Lisa McKendall, director of communications for Mattel says due to parental outcry Generation Girl Barbie has been removed from production. The prototype had Barbie and friends featuring tattoos, triple-pierced ears and nose studs./ However Domina Barbie wearing leather and spiked heels leading Ken wearing nothing but a dog collar and leash seems to be a new favorite.

Donald Duck turns sixty-five today./ In honour of his birthday I'm sending him "hooked on phonics."

June 10

The controversy over Jean Chretien's business dealings escalated yesterday with Reform walking out of the house./ The Reform "will press for Chretien's arrest unless he can prove lack of conflict of interest;" " won't allow him to be exempt from charges of contempt"

Jamie Bogart is a 490-pound man threatening to eat himself to death unless the Ontario Hospital Insurance plan pays for him to attend an American "fat farm."/ Our military is stretched then we get hit by terrorism like this.

Toronto Police Services Board is being sued for $2-million for breaking the arm of an elderly violinist after improperly arresting her./ Serve and Protect ? Certainly. Halt violence? Assuredly. Stop violinists? Incorrect!

Virgin Atlantic Airlines is offering travellers private double beds -and legitimate membership of the "Mile High Club." / Certainly puts new meanings on "please return to the upright position" and "place over your mouth and breathe."

Svend Robinson has been back-benched by federal New Democrat leader, Alexa McDonough, regarding his petition to have God removed from the preamble of the constitution./ Mr. Robinson who's openly gay wouldn't comment on the experience of being back-benched.

The United Alternative is looking for a way to unite the right ; bringing Reformers and Progressive Conservatives together./ I have a catchy name if they ever succeed - Social Credit.

The Information Technology Association of Canada has challenged the Prime Minister's assertion the brain drain is a hoax put up the "business class" to win tax breaks./ Deputy Prime Minister Sheila Copps agreed with Chretien's assertion

Canada Post made $50-million profit last year./ They possibly could have gained more but they had to scrap their Brian Mulroney stamp as people kept spitting on the wrong side and they couldn't get guys to stop licking the Pamela Lee Anderson stamp.

There are ninety IMAX theaters being built globally at a cost of $1-billion. They'll have to sell 100-million boxes of popcorn just to pay for them.

Former United States President, George Bush, parachuted out of an airplane yesterday./ No word if former Prime Minister Brian Mulroney had accompanied him and this was the only way Bush could escape.

June 11

Most Canadians support the legalization of homosexual marriages./ Apparently misery loves company.

Finally it looks serious peace is coming to Kosovo. The conditions include NATO and Yugoslav officers sign deal on troop withdrawal, NATO verifies start of Yugoslav withdrawal, NATO suspends bombing, UN Security Council approves resolution to end conflict, NATO-led forces enter Kosovo under UN auspices and acknowledging Tito was the last great unifier, the Yugoslavs can vote for Tito Jackson or Tito Puente for president.

In Timmins city officials are fielding calls from ticket holders to a Shania Twain concert who fear the weight of the crowd could cause the ground to collapse into the underground mine location where the event is being held. Timmins Mayor Power, claims there's nothing to worry about as the city has had architects and engineers looking into the consequences./ Avoiding problems should be the city's first priority thereby ensuring the people don't get shafted.

United Nations officials stationed in Cypress, expressed concern yesterday about obscene gestures, exchanges of insults and other provocative acts Apparently sticks and stones can break your bones but there names really can hurt you.

A California man survived an attack from a grizzly bear yesterday as his friend pepper-sprayed the bear./ The grizzly was protesting the possibility of another APEC conference being held here.

The Salt Lakes Olympics Committee is adding several new sports to the winter games in 2002 including women's bobsled./ Also honoring the fact the games are being held in the heart of Mormon territory there will a competition to see how many women a man can marry in an hour.

The wife of Belgian Prime Minister Jean-Luc Dehaene yesterday said the country's crisis over dioxin contamination was a plot against the government./ The upside is Belgium has become the destination of first preference by everybody that's either anorexic or bulimic.

Stephen Reid who wrote an award-winning book about his past life in crime returned to that activity./ Apparently the demands of researching for another novel.

The New York Knickerbockers may advance further in the playoffs if they eliminate the Indiana Pacers tonight./ Latrell Sprewell has shown no signs of choking.

World figure skating Champion Alexei Yagudin of Russia has been booted from the Champions on Ice tour for inappropriate behavior linked to drinking./ Ability to skate on thin ice, drinking problem; he may just be Russian presidential material.

June 14

The Pope fell this weekend and required three stitches to his temple./ Coincidentally the Chief Rabbi tripped; keeping three disrespectful congregation members in stitches at his temple.

Every day in the United States 7,000 couples marry; conversely 3,300 divorce./ Seems like they understand the fundamentals of recycling.

Russian troops greeted surprised later arriving NATO allies. The Russians response they had got lost./ Apparently their plan had been to march on Moscow and relieve Yelstin of duties (illustrating what happens when men won't stop and ask for directions.)

Oliver Stone was charged this weekend with drunk driving and possession of marijuana./ As Stone wasn't available for comment we only speculate there was some kind of conspiracy involving someone behind a knoll with grass.

Texas Governor George W. Bush launched his hand-shaking, baby-squeezing campaign to win the Republican endorsement to run for president. Education-wise Bush admits to majoring in sports, booze and women while in university./ Right there, you have what makes America great; their universities offer such diverse curriculum.

Timothy Boomer could be fined one-hundred dollars and imprisoned ninety days because the canoe he was riding tossed him, provoking him to swear in front of children; thereby violating an 1897 Michigan law./ Boomer is staying tightlipped for fear of putting himself into further trouble about what he did with his girl-friend to scare the horses.

The provincial New Democrats of British Columbia repaid $117,948.16 including interest -taken from charities during the Nanaimo Commonwealth Holdings Society scandal./ Unfortunately for the New Democrats they themselves look on the verge of being a charity and even more unfortunately for them a minor one.

Federal Agriculture Minister Lyle Vanclief donned rubber boots this weekend visiting flooded farms in Saskatchewan and Manitoba, he afterwards was reluctant to offer any further federal assistance./ However here's my proposal, farmers are deep in water, British Columbia fisherman are without product voila- fish farms.

Barbara Graham of Charlottetown, says her daughter contracted E. coli bacteria infection from apple cider is suing the grocery chain that provided the product. Atlantic Superstore, denying responsibility launched a lawsuit against the apple grower who provided the product./ Here's where it gets tricky, the apple grower is suing God for providing the apples.

Jody "Babydol" Gibson was busted by Los Angles police for pandering operating a prostitution ring that rivaled "Hollywood Madam" Heidi Fleiss./ Gibson's defense a vision that said "build it for them to come."

June 15

Alberta Conservatives tired of the monopoly of Ralph Klien, squabbles of the Social Credit and wishing an alternative to provincial Reform have formed their own provincial party Alberta First./ I understand their desire to be affiliated with a conservative movement I just wonder if they first considered the federal Liberals.

Everything is retro including black-and-white photography according to Eastman Kodak. I have nothing against black-and-white photography but I'm upset with Ted Turner's attempt to black-and-white everything especially The Wizard of Oz..

Hugh Grant has confessed to finding acting "traumatic"/. Seem his toughest roles are explaining slippage's to Elizabeth Hurley.

Texas Republican-Governor George Bush has been derided by Randists (subscribers to Ayn Rand's Virtue of Selfishness) for his philosophy of compassionate conservatism./ Seems they're upset he uses a new rope every time he hangs somebody.

In Edmonton cabbies are upset as they're going to be required to pass an oral English test./ The handful of cabbies that mastered English are demanding "What next, a driving examination?

I read in the newspaper Mayor Lastman claims all reporters liars./ Am I expected to believe this.

Spar Aerospace is looking for a buyer./ Serious purchasers will find it goes for considerably less than an arm and leg.

Megastar Celine Dion's mother Therese Tanguay-Dion is getting her own cooking show on French television./ There's thirteen other children in addition to Celine in the family so if the mother just gets all of them viewing she should have a large market share.

In Kenora teachers were requested to help search for a bomb./ Explaining the usage of teachers spokesperson for Premier Harris says "We're not attached to teachers like we are to bomb-sniffing dogs.

The District of Columbia's office of finance says that Mayor Anthony Williams violated city law by not promptly disclosing two consulting arrangements when running for office./ Nostalgia? Give me a whoring, crack smoking Mayor anytime.

June 16

Martha Hart (Owen's widow) is suing the Worldwide Wrestling Federation for wrongful death./ Sympathies to the Hart Family but finally a match The Federation hasn't fixed.

Ruediger Urhahn of Vancouver has been charged with committing an indecent act after a female passenger on their Vancouver to Toronto flight complained to the crew someone was masturbating./ I don't know based on sounds it's so difficult to tell; perhaps he was merely shampooing.

In hockey action the Stanley Cup series is tied at two games. Buffalo and Dallas are both complaining about ice conditions./ Perhaps if they could reach Leona Helmsey she was known for her frosty glares.

Fifteen years ago today John Turner was chosen leader of the Liberal Party./ Conservatives still celebrate that day and in hindsight so does Jean Chretien.

Documentary-film researcher Mario Valdes alleges Queen Elizabeth's ancestors were black./ Ergo the Dark Ages.

Five thousand journalists gathering in Cologne Germany for the Group of Eight summit were issued condoms in their press kits./ One wonders if this a polite method the ministers are employing to tell the press F… off!

It seems the peace is going to really hold in Kosovo./ Yugoslav generals telegrammed a terse "Retreat?" message to Milosevic; the response was "No; advance on Belgrade!

For Father's Day Hallmark cards is marketing a "Guy's Pack" for forgetful guys. Included in the package are Wife's Birthday, Mother's Birthday, Three Love Cards, Thanks, I'm Sorry, Happy Anniversary and Mother-in-law./ This package is ultimate crassness and I'm ashamed someone would think we require it, I'm positive nine I'm sorry would be sufficient.

In New York a subway train was found to be transporting a dead passenger for a minimum five hours./ He was discovered by another passenger who had issues with the fact the dead person wouldn't break eye contact.

Eric Wolf (who made international headlines when he and an ex-girlfriend spent a weekend in a chicken coop thereby assisting a filmmaker publicize the poor conditions chickens incur.) has gone on trial for assaulting his most recent former girlfriend./ My understanding is kinky is using the chicken's feather, perversion is using the whole chicken.

June 17

Coca -Cola has been pulled from numerous European shelves for various health reasons./ They're new slogan; "Coca -Cola the real thing for the passed over generation."

No drug is intelligent, with one absolute purpose and the New England Journal of Medicine confirmed as much today in an article pointing out ASA and other pain-killers could be fatal./ Makes the notion of deadening the pain sound extreme.

North Korea has vowed to stop trade with South Korea./ Delaying the immediate implementation of this is North Korea's vagueness what exactly they trade to South Korea.

Scientists have declared chimpanzees display humanness as they possess cultural differences even though they may be members of the same species./ Chimpanzee spokes-animal begged not to be so insulted "Humanness indeed; look at our track record of intercultural war, exploitation of each other and other various acts of humanity".

Vice-President Al Gore announced his candidacy for the Presidency today stating there were vast differences between himself and President Clinton. He clarified there was a large gap where they stood morally and that he was indeed his own man./ While attempting to depart from the throng he tripped over several strings.

Mayor Douglas Archer of Regina has proclaimed Lesbian and Gay Pride Week./ It seems there are only three homosexuals in Regina; it being still agriculturally based seems most people are into bestiality though some people view those grain silos as gigantic phallic symbols.

The number of public complaints against the police declined to a fifteen year low./ It seems there policy of never apologize has sufficiently intimidated certain societal members.

American Maurice Greene is the fastest man in the world ; running 100 metres in 9.79seconds// Bush and Gore may be running harder but nobody is running faster

A study commissioned by their own union has found Montreal firefighters don't arrive within the crucial contain time./ The good news is their response time to rescuing pet squirrels from trees.

Dick Wilson who played supermarket manager Mr. Whipple is being called out of retirement at age 82./ If they can use recycled paper to manufacture toilet paper why not recycle the whole thing?

June 18

In Kuwait they've moved a step closer to giving women the vote./ What next, allowing them their own organism?

Researchers at Hamilton's McMaster University have found the mathematical portion of Einstein's brain wider than most but are inconclusive whether this was the contributory factor in his genius. There are thirty-five facilities world-wide housing brains and McMaster is the forerunner. Prime Minister is expected to utilize this information to undercut accusers of Canada facing a "brain drain."

Canadian Janine Ferretti has been offered the job of executive director at NAFTA's environmental commission./ This surprised many who were unaware that NAFTA had an environmental commission.

The Grand Rabbi of Poland breached protocol by imploring the Pope to remove the last remaining cross at Auschwitz./ Poles aren't known for their sensitivity towards Jews; even are largely considered anti-Semitic however some Poles are agreeing to burn crosses everywhere for the Jews

Texas executed Stan Faulder yesterday evening./ Only Jesus Christ himself is more famous regarding "Last Suppers."

Premier Mike Harris announced his new cabinet yesterday with David Tsubouchi named solicitor-general. He vows to squeeze squeegee kids./ Apparently the man views himself a modern day Saint Patrick trying to drive all the Vipers out of Ontario. No longer will be heard "Vould you like your vindows viped."

Neo-Conservative John Baird was appointed minister of community and social services. He plans on implementing the Conservative's policy of requiring those dependent on welfare to supply a urinary or blood sample either proving or disproving alcohol or drug dependency./ I believe conservatives worldwide refer to this as the "tinkle down effect."

Mayor Lastman of Toronto, whose wife Marilyn is facing shoplifting charges, has hinted perhaps he won't run for a second term./ Seems Marilyn while new to the crime game wishes to steal more time with her husband.

Apisamai Srirangsan is a Bangkok doctor who's been accepted to train as a psychiatrist at Bangkok's Siriraj Hospital. Apisamai Srirangsan also happens to be Miss Thailand. It seems Bangkok's medical community frowns down on these two careers being shared by one woman feeling patients may feel other than proper feelings when told to lay on the couch./ Personally I believe before overtime even becomes a consideration this Thai should be allowed a win.

Today back in 1812 the Americans declared war on Canada. Canadians bravely fought back and remained independent./ The elimination of FIRA , addition of NAFTA and other negotiated capitulation's unfortunately has undone anything Canadian armies were able to oppose. Thereby allowing the Americans prove the pen is mightier than the sword.

June 21

The Royals had another wedding this weekend./ Poor Queen Elizabeth is no longer optimistic about her offspring's fidelity illustrated by her inviting Edward's mistress.

Dallas won the Stanley Cup Saturday./ The team will be rewarded with a motorcade

Latvia born, Canadian raised Vaira Vike-Freiberga is Latvia's new president. She promises to give Latvia a Canadian make-over./ One wonders if she threatened the Latvians with this treatment prior to her election if she'd still have been elected.

While meeting Tony Blair, Prime Minister Chretien effectively stopped Conrad Black's ascension to the House of Lords./ Black , red-faced with anger owned up to disappointment about his situation; thereby becoming the answer to what's red, black and blue.

The manufacturers of the new Tarzan doll have corrected an arm motion which caused the doll to let loose with the famous Tarzan yell. The motion would be described as one a male might utilize while pursuing self-love./ Begging the question what the heck than is Tarzan yelling about?

The Vatican news agency reported the Pontiff has appointed three new Vietnamese bishops the "fruit of patient diplomacy" with Hanoi./ Let's hope for the children's sake that they're altar boys not "altered boys"

Horror author Stephen King was hit by a van while walking Saturday afternoon./ No disrespect to medical experts but could you describe King's condition as anything besides "scary" even at the best of times.

Reverend Jerry Falwell's newspaper, National Liberty Journal has accused the all-female Lilith Fair of being named for a demon./ Very interesting Reverend Falwell if memory serves the British utilized "Jerry" as connotative of Nazi's.

A Norwegian woman failed to incubate an egg in her cleavage after a month of letting it nestle between her breasts. The green-and-brown speckled egg was identified as a curlew./ Perhaps her luck would have increased if it had been a tit swallow.

Yesterday was Father's day. Today is the longest day of the year. Trust me the longest day of the year is sitting through father's "when I was your age."

June 22

The American House of Representatives killed gun-control legislation. The good news is they're planning on displaying the ten commandments in most schools./ Not to be a spoiled sport but isn't expecting literacy from people wielding guns perhaps too much; wouldn't you be better off instead following the rule "lead them not into temptation."

The Royals are honeymooning in Scotland. Befitting their locale Prince Edward has donned a kilt in traditional manner. His blushing bride questioning Edward about this inquired "is there anything worn under the kilt?" Edward displaying chivalry assured her "Nay everything be good as new."

Announcing Gay Pride celebrations Mayor Mel Lastman revealed his eye has a lovely multi-coloured shiner. Lastman claims the shiner was self-inflicted while attempting to answer two telephones at once./ With respect to Gay Pride celebrations I won't announce the colour of his "tush" from answering mother nature's call.

American forestry company Weyerhaeuser is attempting to takeover Canadian forestry giant MacMillan Bloedel./ Call me cynical but whether the attempt is successful or not I predict jobs to be axed.

Toronto's crime rate has plunged by 8.5%./ That goes to reason they shrunk the provincial legislature.

The federal government decision to deny press baron Conrad Black a peerage is insulting to both Black and Britain according to Reform leader Preston Manning./ In other news The National Post declared failure to support the Reform should be considered "treasonous behavior" and support for Chretien should be indicative of low intelligence.

Bill Gates has been declared the richest man of the world./ Lois Ucanget declared the poorest stated " I take consolation in the fact my glasses aren't as nerdy."

The American Republican Party in a move calculated to gain more female support has softened it's anti-abortion stand./ It seems if the woman was beaten left for dead and the pregnancy definitely threatens her life and she's within the first two weeks of pregnancy perhaps abortion might be deemed acceptable.

The Institute of Medicine, America's most prestigious scientific organization has declared; breast implants aren't medically dangerous./ No word whether they're dangerous to dental work.

McFarlane Toys manufactures several Austin Powers dolls; Atlanta suburbanite Tamatha Brannon inadvertently picked up the adult version at Toys R Us, which says "Do I make you horny baby? Do I?" Claiming disgust and being appalled Brannon wishes all these toys pulled- that is pulled from the shelves of Toys R Us./ Furthermore Brannon wishes to remove from her corner grocer English cucumber, zucchini, egg plant and salami.

June 23

Dating back to 1979 the Islamic revolution in Iran has had strict regulations regarding dress and conduct. Consequently a 22-year-old man who plucked his eyebrows and applied eyeshadow was arrested in their holy city of Mashad received twenty lashes of the whip for "wounding public moral sentiments"./ The Americans are reconsidering sending Ru Paul on their goodwill tour.

Jamie Korngold became Calgary's first female Rabbi./ While many people were astounded to discover Jews in Calgary truth is Jews and Albertans share many things in common; both encourage wearing something on your head even while inside.

A lieutenant-colonel in the Canadian Armed Forces reserves has been fined $1,500. for entering the tent of a subordinate and asking her to expose her breasts./ Marching orders will be limited to single file no more two abreast

Robert Chisholm is leader of Nova Scotia's New Democrats and with an election in July is running an election campaign bereft of promises stating the public were tired of broken promises and holds the Liberals and Tories in utter contempt./ It's believed Chisholm also hopes God is on their side.

Presidential aspirants especially Al Gore and George Bush are attempting to woo the large Hispanic vote by sprinkling Spanish in their speeches./ Former vice-president Dan Quayle not one to be caught sleeping is also going for that ethnic vote by earnestly studying Latin.

Patricia Simmons who is legally blind while accompanied with her guide dog was refused entry into a church on two separate occasions thereby the Blind Persons' Rights Act which states "blind or visually-impaired people using guide dogs are allowed into any public building, including churches was violated./ Blind Persons' Rights Act or not all I've got to say to the priest that refused Ms. Simmons entry "Amazing Grace how sweet the sound….".

Fifty-three per cent of Albertans say they're either stockpiling food, seeking alternative power or squirreling away cash in preparation for an apocalyptic computer system failure on January 1./ However the number goes up to ninety-five per cent of Albertans that do this just because of mistrust of the federal Liberal government.

An Egyptian archeologist believes he's discovered the ancient route Moses used to bring the Jews out of Egypt./ Apparently the route was a crescent rather than a road thereby explaining why the Hebrews wandered forty years.

Vitamin C is excellent for combating lead content in your bloodstream scientists have discovered. Previously scientists have discovered the benefit of a drink or two./ I'm going health crazy all I'm imbibing is screwdrivers.

Don Waddell is general manager of the NHL Atlanta Thrashers./ Appropriateness I would think have him general manager of the Anaheim Mighty Ducks.

June 24

Marty Frankel is a hunted man allegedly responsible for the world's biggest theft $3billion U.S. supposedly ripping off insurance companies and a charitable Catholic charity./ Call me Kreskin but based upon how heinous the crime and what's happened in similar cases I foresee Frankel costing the police $8million before he offers to surrender on his own. He'll be sentenced to twenty years in jail, fined $3billion; he'll be released after eighteen months for good behavior including court time and the fine will be reduced to $10,000. As nobody can disprove his claims of bankruptcy. Life's lesson never steal small.

Thirty people across Southern Ontario were arrested and charged with conspiracy to commit theft and possession of stolen property regarding semi-trailers./ One speculates police first clued when the drivers were obeying the rules of the road that these couldn't be real semi drivers.

Rickshaws which China had attempted to eradicate in an effort to put their "coolie culture" behind them have reappeared in China despite comments by some Chinese that state "It's inhuman to treat people like animals./ Meanwhile students requiring jobs are invited to put their applications in at a downtown Toronto address for jobs as a rickshaw driver.

Scientists at Guelph's University have genetically engineered a pig that should produce environmentally friendly manure./ Good news for when your piggy goes wee-wee at home.

Patrick Magee, IRA bomber who had been sentenced to eight life sentences for bombing including an incident which almost cost former Conservative Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher her life was released from prison under Northern Ireland's peace pact./ Labour Prime Minister Tony Blair reached for comment stated "We presume the worst Magee will be is a repeat offender."

Toronto Maple Leafs President and General Manager Ken Dryden announced associate General Manager Mike Smith's release from the hockey team./ Thereby taking pressure off the Argonauts, Blue Jays and Raptors as Toronto sports fans wait for further hockey details.

Two weeks after children became ill from consumption of Coca-Cola the Belgian government set strict conditions for the reopening of Coke's plants. The conditions include requiring new security, health monitoring, thorough cleansing of the factories/ perhaps the most controversial condition however was the Belgian insistence to require Coca-Cola encourage the eating of brussel sprouts as the snack food to accompany it.

There was new extremely major developments in peace agreements in the Mideast./ No not between Israel and any Arab group but most surprisingly between the newly elected Israeli government and the opposition.

Natalya Gracheva is attempting to unionize McDonald's Russia stating she's looking for pay raises and reinstatement of bonuses. McDonald's spokesperson stated "we continue to abide local labour laws./ In other news the Russian government announced again this month it won't be able to pay miners, teachers, soldiers and other government employees.

Recent studies have found that a women's menstrual cycle effects the kind of guy she's looking for./ Proving guys, timing is everything.

June25

Bombardier was granted an air safety certificate despite the fact Transport Canada hadn't completed its independent airworthiness inspection./ Seems someone had a case of premature jet elation.

A cave discovered in East Jerusalem was the site for a 2,000-year-old for stone dishes./ Apparently Mary and Joseph's bridal registry was there and last notation has them still missing the soup tureen and gravy boat.

Toronto's mayor, Mel Lastman's wife, Marilyn claims her shoplifting was a "cry for help". Believe Marilyn we've all tried getting help in our own ways at various department stores from indifferent and oblivious clerks so we understand.

Manitoba Premier, Gary Filmon has criticized the federal government for its treatment of flooded-out Prairie farmers./ This can only mean a provincial election isn't too far away.

In British Columbia a veterinarian acting on orders from wildlife authorities put down an orphaned bear cub called Booboo who'd been living off food in a garbage container. Citizens had attempted to intervene on Booboo's behalf and arranged relocation; unfortunately for Booboo at the last minute they encountered a SPCA director who didn't believe in rehabilitating bears./ Ontario Solicitor General, David Tsubouchi is expected to offer that SPCA official a position within his department.

10,000 fans are expected to greet Ricky Martin./ Not accompanying him is Rene Roberts and Gilbert Perrault the rest of the French Connection besides Toronto is home to the Maple Leafs so we fail to understand the ruckus.

Britain has banned human cloning./ We knew instinctually there would be only one Margaret Thatcher.

In Toronto a city committee has recommended parking meter fees and fines being doubled./ Motorists are expected to react by finding it cheaper to rent accommodations downtown that come with parking.

Preston Manning,( whose father Ernest was a minister before leading the Social Credit) donned a red tunic yesterday to partake in an reenactment of the RCMP's march west./ It's believed Manning has been made an honorary deputy allowing him to call himself a deputy son of a minister; therefore almost equal to Shelia Copps.

The United States yesterday offered $5million reward for information leading to the arrest or conviction of indicted war criminals, including Slobodan Milosevic the Yugoslav president./ Yugoslavia responded by banning tourists with their own horses, six-shooters, badges and cowboy hats.

June 28

It was gay-pride this weekend./ Outside of the military probably the largest collection of clean-cut men who willingly forgo sex with women for lengthy periods.

Gay activist, Larry Kramer claims to possess a secret diary by Abraham Lincoln's friend Joshua Speed that infers Lincoln was homosexual./ Puts the nickname "the rail-splitter" in another context.

Canadian consumption of yogurt has risen over sixty-five per-cent over the past fifteen years./ Does this make us more cultured?

In Britain the sale of gas lighter fuel to under-18s will be banned, following a spate of deaths caused by young people sniffing butane./ Before this occurs here may I suggest you kids keep your Bic in your pants.

In Kumhausen Germany new world records were set as a sausage measuring 5.88kilometers long and a loaf 1.37kilometers long were churned out./ Paraphrasing Dickens allow me "It was the bread of times it was the wurst of times."

Blaming the fact lifeguards are on strike; it's been reported five people drowned in Israel this weekend. Tragic the story is; but supposedly the truth is the victims' families refused artificial respiration stating real respiration or nothing.

Carlton Cards is closing their Canadian printing operations affecting about 650 employees./ Supposedly tastefully done; workers were presented a card which read "Sure the Canadian dollar is at one of it's all time lows, This allowed us to make a lovely profit ; Nevertheless we'll be saying adios, Because about you we don't give a shit.

A Calgary bar has police requesting they cease their display of bikini clad dancers in their window fearing traffic accidents. The bar has garnered plenty of public support and as of yet is waiting for a legal ruling./ Obvious solution to me is post dangerous curves ahead warnings.

Diana mania is fading only two years after her death with plenty of tickets available for the reopening of her burial site./ You'd think the promoters would know it's live shows people wish to see.

Hard-line militants of Algeria's Armed Islamic Group (GIA) have threatened a bloodbath in Belgium if captured members of their group aren't treated in their ascribed manner./ Terrorists forget bloodshed as a threatening weapon against Belgians if you wish to terrify them suggest somehow you'll make them consume their own food.

June 29

Notorious anti-gay preacher Fred Phelps after weeks of threatening to expose Canada as a "grotesque malignant tumour sitting atop Uncle Sam's head" failed to show up to burn the Canadian flag as protest against the Supreme Court ruling that ordered the Ontario government to include homosexuals in it's definition of spouse./ No disrespect to the homosexual community but I'm amazed the reverend had no trouble with the issue of burning the Canadian flag but was scared of our flaming fags.

Police are seeking victims of Celtic priest Andre Vallieres, who performed "magical touching" ceremonies while using his wizard-like powers./ Please ladies don't make me have to explain about that magic wand that guys carry in their pants.

A special sub-committee of Edmonton city council yesterday unanimously recommended the city honour Wayne Gretzky by naming a freeway for him./ I know nothing of Edmonton's road system but naming a freeway after Gretzky; granted he had good speed but wouldn't a lovers lane be more appropriate after all his fame was mostly regarding scoring.

Prime Minister Chretien's office is believed to have aided a supporter in gaining funds to build a bowling alley./ I don't know; another strike against the Liberals or just gutter politics?

Thirty-seven per cent of respondents to a survey conducted by Angus Reid Group stated they believe students receive a worse education today than they would have twenty-five years ago; thirty-five per cent argued the opposite believing today's education techniques are superior./ When talking to students themselves about this they claimed they were like the other fifty per cent that figured there wasn't any change.

Ontario's Financial Services Commission, which is Ontario's insurance regulator hasn't revoked the licence of Patrick Kinlin despite allegations he's bilked clients of $12-million./ Bravo! One should be presumed innocent till proven guilty; meanwhile in Ontario people on social assistance will have to provide the government proof they're alcohol and drug independent starting this fall.

In an attempt to have computer workers seem less nerdy Corel owner Michael Cowpland furnishes his employees with membership in the Rideau Squash and Tennis Club./ Either through work or play it seems these guys still only focus on the net.

Toronto Mayor Mel Lastman and wife Marilyn co-hosted a ball for raising money for the Toronto Arts Council. Attending the ball was Premier Mike Harris stating he wished to affirm his support for the arts./ The Ontario Arts Council Foundation lost 50% of funding during the last Harris government so it seems if Premier Mike does any more affirming there will be no arts in Ontario.

John Vivier and his children Domonic and Heloise are members of a South African family, which suffer from porphyria a rare disorder, which is like being allergic to the sun. The family is appealing to stay in Canada specifically Prince Rupert, British Columbia as its rainy weather and cloud cover filters out the sun's ray which may be deadly to them./ Seems some peoples' gray cloud is their silver lining.

In addition to "stoop and scoop laws" Montreal politicians are considering a bylaw preventing canines from urinating on lawns./ The solution, Depends; or you could Pamper, your dog.

June 30

A North River Newfoundland warden has been imprisoned for assault and assault with a weapon; allegedly using a chair to attack a family member./ His defense is expected to be "I gave them life, found it not severe enough so decided to give them the chair.

Heavy rains in Kenora has caused major damage at their cemetery sinking and toppling headstones./ It's hoped no bodies will have to be exhumed for post mortems as the coroner figures they'll now all be considered drowning victims.

Manitoba Premier, Gary Filmon is promising economic assistance to farmers who because of wet weather conditions weren't able to seed their crop. The original headline was "aid for unseeded farmers." Gay-bashers however misconstrued the headline thinking that shouldn't be if their God was just; that instead the headline should be Aid for seeded farmers.

10,000Serbians turned out to protest the government of Slobodan Milosevic./ No word if Milosevic has turned to Ontario Premier Harris for advice.

Former cancer patient, Eire Hann four years ago received chemotherapy and radiation treatments to defeat the disease. Hann yesterday turned 100./ Another story where life could of been cut short except for the advances in cancer treatment.

A Brantford man emerged unscathed yesterday after the house exploded and the ceiling fell on him while he slept./ The man is believed to have thought "aha the kids are out of school."

Going against Health Canada regulations the Ontario Medical Association is recommending nicotine patches and gum./ Apparently most smokers would use these products if they could figure a way to light them.

A former driving instructor was fine $600. after storming and ranting from his vehicle and punching a fellow motorist three times./ We understand how it is, once an instructor you like to keep current with what's happening.

In Shawville Quebec their mayor and merchants ran a sign inspector out of town./ No word on what kind of language was used.

Tomorrow is Canada's 132nd birthday./ I believe we get our strong sense of patriotism from the fact Britain couldn't even bother to threaten to fight to keep us. Wilfred Laurier promised the 20th century would belong to Canada I'm uncertain about that but quite sure nevertheless we've been making payments.

July 2

Procter and Gamble announced effective immediately they're eliminating 80 percent of all animal testing./ We're not sure by implication this means more entry level positions for Canadians.

Former Cleveland Browns' perhaps greatest running back Jim Brown has been charged with allegedly threatening to kill his wife./ All these years later and still competing against O.J. Simpson.

Thirty years ago today Prince Charles became Prince of Wales./ Boy talk about a stagnant career.

Farrah Slad a 21-year-old woman has won $150million./ She's highly attractive, possesses a superb personality, full of wonderful and diverse interests, leans to great moral standards and is blessed with a certain je ne sais qois that I'm so happy to announce she's my intended fiancee.

Approximately 300 years after its' last one parliament has resumed in Scotland./ The question is after gifting the world with the bagpipes, kilt, haggis and caber tossing what's left for their culture to contribute.

Hibbing Minnesota is where Robert Zimmerman better known as Bob Dylan grew up; they're speaking of constructing a performance centre in his honour./ If they were planning on building something in his honour you'd think rather than talking about it they'd merely mumble.

A nine-year-old British boy survived a fall down a chimney while attempting to imitate his favorite scene from his favorite movie "Mary Poppins". How many lives have to be endangered before movies like this are banned or at least restricted to adult accompaniment?

The Salt Lake Organizing Committee for the 2002 Winter Olympic Games has ruled no free tickets, transportation or parking for government VIP's, kings and queens./ No word whether in addition to the queens if this message applies to transsexuals.

John Craig Eaton was named chancellor of Ryerson Polytechnic University./ Given the condition of Eaton's Department Stores obviously Ryerson isn't looking to be perceived as a business school.

Yesterday was Canada's birthday, Sunday's the Americans' birthday\ we're about a 100 years younger but we party first and have genuine Canadian beer to celebrate with.

July 5

Lucien Bouchard has ordered striking Quebec nurses back to work./ Apparently the nurses are waiting for the right conditions before they're willing to vote about separating themselves from the picket line.

National Basketball Association great Julius Erving admitted to fathering tennis's newest phenom Alexandra Stevenson./ Must be difficult coming clean about your illegitimate child after they start making sufficient money to help you in your old age.

Travel Centers of America is reimaging the traditional truck stop employing ribbed aluminum, striped awnings and neon to capture the trucker's eye./ Dominating the attraction is no C as Centers as part of the logo leaving the logo reading T and A.

Wiarton Willie has been finally laid to rest with his ashes scattered at Georgian Bay./ Personally I'm unclear about the differences between groundhogs and weasels but I can assure you with a shrunken legislature there's plenty of weasels around and no worry about public attachment.

Governor Christine Whitman of New Jersey conceded their state police force mistreats its employees by tolerating a culture of racial discrimination and sexual harassment./ In fairness to their police force may I suggest this only gives them practice in the way they handle the public.

A thirteen-year-old Honduran boy's stories of trial and tribulation affected New Yorkers' hearts. Unfortunately cynicism would have been appropriate as his tales were fabrications./ Uncertainty reins whether the boy will grow up to be a politician or commodities trader.

Posh Spice, Victoria Adams and English soccer player David Beckham married this weekend and were paid $2.3million by the photographer for the privilege of snapping their wedding./ Irony is most people pay out good money to get decent photos, here's a photographer paying great money hoping to capture indecent pictures. It's believed the couple are going to retire from their respective careers and are moving to Utah where polygamy is legal.

Stompin' Tom Connors is headlining an outdoor concert promoting bicentennial celebrations in Tignish, Prince Edward Island. No word who'll be offered up by the people of Antigonish.

In Huntsville Texas an escaped convicted killer who had stripped to avoid capture or detection by search dogs was found in a naked condition by prison guards./ Hopefully for him life won't continue to be unbearable.

Challenger an American bald eagle was being displayed this weekend as illustration that the bird is no longer an endangered species closed the show by biting American President Bill Clinton's hand causing no serious damage./ Bill Clinton commenting afterwards stated "it's amazing how similar the bird tasted to chicken.

July 6

It's been hot enough to fry an egg on a sidewalk through out most of Ontario lately./ In fact having ate them; I believe this is how the south came up with eggs and grits.

Mexican, American and Canadian police are all searching for Resendez-Ramirez better known as the "Railway Killer"./ Call me macabre but shouldn't this guy be easy to track.

Sears Canada is contemplating offering a takeover bid for Eaton's./ South of the border Sears advertising slogan is something like "the place where America shops" if their takeover bid of Eaton's is successful perhaps something catchy like "Eaton's we beseech you Canadians to shop here."

In the American Midwest anti-Semitic and racist Benjamin Smith went on a shooting spree aimed at Orthodox Jews, Blacks and Asians ending it with the shooting of himself./ Personally I fail to understand if these guys usually are clever enough to finish with themselves why aren't they smart enough to start there.

More and more American companies are allowing their employees to bring their dog with them to work under the benign reasoning it makes the transition from home to work more seamless, stress relief and a measure of security for people especially working late hours./ All excellent reasons for the allowing of one bringing their dog; however when does corporate America show its true colors and it become a dog eat dog world.

According to the American press Vice-president Al Gore in running for the presidency is "aggressively pursuing female voters" ./ Seems he's having trouble distinguishing himself from Clinton.

Contrary to mythology and media imagery of being happy and peaceful scientific data is revealing dolphins as senseless killers./ Seems there too humanlike after all.

James Collins awoke to a ruckus figuring it was his grandson having a party; turns out instead he was shocked to discover a deer charging around his basement./ Technically Collins' instincts were correct ; it was a stag and the buck stopped there.

Only 300 of 6,514 Kosovar refugees have accepted the Canadian government's offer to fly them home./ It seems while many accept the premise of a homeland which to return to most aren't sure about the possibility of a home.

A more liberal government in Kuwait will probably extend voting rights to women by 2003./ You have to wonder in a culture where men have more than one wife how they avoided being henpecked about this issue until now.

July 7

Bank of Canada governor Gordon Thiessen make approximately $37,000Canadian more than his counterpart Alan Greenspan United States Federal Reserve Board chairman./ In fairness to Thiessen it should be pointed out the Canadian economy is in worse shape. (Yes this is what we call ironic or perhaps sarcasm)

The CFL season kicks off today./ No joke here it just seems some Canadians don't realize there's a prelude to the Grey Cup.

Nissan is recalling their Infinitis because a defective electronic part could cause an engine fire./ The recall is expected to last forever.

Media Mogul Rupert Murdoch surprised the business world by reporting that there'll be no nepotism within his organization; his children will have to prove themselves./ Apparently there' s absolutely no truth to this story but news was so slow Murdoch felt compelled to make something up

Garth Drabinsky is suing eight former and current Livent managers; stating if there was fraud it was their doing./ Some of the managers names are Sleazy, Gambler, Dopehead, Fraudulent and Johnny Carson's ex-managers Dewey, Cheatem and Howe apparently Drabinsky is looking for a fairy tale ending to his management career proving himself Snow White clean.

Videotape shows the coveted Mustard Yellow International Belt, the hot-dog-eating title contest held annually on Coney Island was won by an early start by the eventual winner./ First the Stanley Cup is decided by an in-the-crease goal now this how can one watch competitions without fearing they're going to be cheated?

Germany's federal constitutional court ruled yesterday that most of the country's battery hens are living in unlawfully cramped conditions; regulations state there must be a minimum floor space of 450 square centimeters per chicken./ Meanwhile in Toronto since the Harris government removed rent controls this amount of space is called a bachelor and rents for $800. a month.

American first lady Hillary Clinton has made it official she's set up an exploratory committee for New York's senate race./ There's a saying about New York which is if you can make it there you can make it anywhere; well husband Bill has proved he can make it anywhere the test is will he be refraining from making it there.

A recent survey of Canadians found most daydream of sex and also include fantasies within those dreams./ Ladies I beseech you let me be your dream man.

Five Manitoba First Nations decided yesterday to stage protests during the Pan Am games to draw international attention to problems in native communities such as joblessness, poor housing and high incarceration rates. Manitoba Premier Gary Filmon said any games protest will hurt Manitoba's image./ Duh, Gary what do you figure the point is?

July 8

A scientific report states Alzheimer's vaccine may be close./ Unfortunately it may be million of miles away they just can't remember.

The Disney Company and Jeffrey Katzenberg former studio chief announced the settlement of their rancorous lawsuit. The lawsuit should pay Katzenberg in excess of $200millionU.S. Michael Ovitz whose tenure at Disney was considered a debacle left Disney with $100millionU.S./ I somewhat understand the Peter Principle but how much do you have to fail upwards to walk away with that kind of money?

Corrine Branigan presently owning the nickname the Kickin' Vixen had been subjected to wolf-whistles and catcalls decided to take matters into her own hands and delivered one of her tormentors a kick where he might become Vienna Boys' Choir eligible./ Branigan was perhaps rightfully just extrapolating Bob Barker's advice "Have your catcallers spayed or neutered."

Gold prices are tumbling./ Pleading impoverishment the Lucky Charms Leprechaun has been forced to renegoiate his contract.

The price of gold seats for the Maple Leafs have soared from 1989's cost of $29. to next years cost of $115./ Despite what bullion traders claim all gold isn't tumbling.

The CFL is hyping this season encouraging fans to party./ Unfortunately in Toronto the apathetic are making it look like a party of five.

Malcolm Shabazz, the young arsonist that set the fire that killed his grandmother, Malcolm X's widow, twice has escaped the treatment center where he's been living./ Apparently he has a burning desire to stay free.

Hillary Clinton appeared with retiring New York state senator Daniel Moynihan in her first appearance since announcing her exploratory committee for senator./ Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr is expected to go gunning for President Clinton claiming sexual relations between Bill and the hopeful possible candidate; Hillary is expected to deny such relations and all evidence will point to her telling the truth.

In Oakland California dock workers are on strike for the second day./ They're just sitting at the dock of the bay wasting time away…….

Controversial Woodstock councillor, Bartt Walker was charged yesterday with conspiracy to traffic cocaine./ Police first became suspicious of Walker when they noticed none of the roadways in his area had white lines.

July 9

Customer service always an essential ingredient in customer happiness has found companies like Home Hardware and Canadian Tire adding Bridal registries to their outlets./ Of course safe-sex couples will probably use Firestone whose slogan at least use to be "We're there when the rubber meets the road."

Commenting on the pulling of a Molson commercial featuring the infamous McKenzie brothers doing there hoser routine a public relations executive stated the commercial harmed Canada's image south of the border./ We all know advertisements have their basis in reality that's why beer commercials never show anyone with beer-guts, but usually males always doing well with gorgeous women.

In London Ontario competing directly against their gay parade will be a straight parade./ Someone's sexuality should be their individual business but I've got to wonder competing directly against each other by their nature, does the homosexual community not have advantage over the heterosexual community in head to head competition?

As a precautionary measure the federal government is urging all Canadian women who've been inseminated through sperm banks to be tested for communicable diseases./ First the men were jerked around now it seems it's the ladies turn.

Expressing the fact he's appalled Lucien Bouchard condemned his own Parti Quebecois deviousness in attempting to make striking nurses appear irresponsible through letter writing and talk show campaigns. Bouchard appeared sincere in trying to distance himself and suggested there was no way he could support a campaign of lies that would make his government look better than it really is nor would he abide the Quebec people not knowing the why's and whereof's./ Should someone break the news that there's a conspiracy within his own party to separate from Canada even if it means driving the English, immigrants and the native Indians out of the province; leaving behind just the pure "lain" who are to be sheep-like .

Robert Richard Haines has been busted after twenty-seven years of teaching its been found his credentials had been phonied up and he didn't possess the degrees he claimed having forged transcripts./ All his years of teaching nothing suspicious turned up but when he became a guidance councilor one of his pieces of advice was study movies of the profession you want to be, for instance doctors should study Doctor Kildare apparently if he recommended Robin William's Patches he'd have been still on safe ground.

Ontario's police chiefs and union leaders are planning an all-out assault on the civilian police watchdog special investigations unit./ Members of special investigation unit have repeatedly failed in the proper consumption of doughnuts and when its been illustrated they're wrong they've apologized.

Hillary Clinton has declared Jerusalem eternal and indivisible contending it should be recognized as the capital of Israel./ There's supposedly no truth to Joe Clark being her political adviser.

Security has been beefed up at the Saskatoon Zoo as workers are tired of picking up beer bottles out of the animals' cages./ You'd think the guy who lost his Visa would've reported it by now or that chimpanzee wouldn't pass as legal.

Florida's new electric chair bloodied the inmate who first occupied it. Florida officials claim there's nothing wrong with the chair./ The chair certainly doesn't sound like a safe place to sit to me; but you know sibling rivalry Jeb in Florida wouldn't want to see brother George Bush of Texas pulling into too large of a lead in the master of execution department.

July 12

More than 350 contaminants have been found in British women's breast milk. Regulators state despite the high number of pollutants mothers should continue breast feeding as it provides immunities against infections and strengthens the bonding between mother and child./ Just the kind of news that puts people all a titter and you know if instead it was cow milk it be considered an udder catastrophe.

Robin Hood has been outted as a homosexual. It seems his merrie little band was actually a gay little band and Little John was more of a description than nickname./ Who next; I suspect Puff the Magic Dragon afterall he frolicked, hung with little Johnny Taper and mighty queens gave way when he roared his name..

Nurses in Quebec have offered a temporary truce in their strike action; promising to return to work in exchange for reopening stalled talks./ Whatever happens you have to hope negotiators don't run out of patients.

The United Nations is upset about the usage of Secretary-General Kofi Annan's name being used as a pun in advertisements./ The first incidences actually were good-naturedly accepted or complaints were expressed in a mumble but this time loudly voicing his opposition Kofi's crisp.

This weekend American women won the World Cup of women's soccer. Team captain Brandi Chastain celebrated the victory by tearing off her jersey and swinging it over her head./ American President Bill Clinton was in attendance at the game claiming if necessary he was prepared to feel any team members pain.

A revolutionary new test will tell women when their fertility will expire./ Its not known whether they're expiration date will be printed on their foreheads so men wishing heirs will know which choices to make.

Boston police may exonerate Boston Strangler, Albert DeSalvo of guilt using DNA testing./ First this is terrific without being pushed police are trying to confirm guilt or innocence after all these years, second, must prove crime rate is down if they can bother doing this.

David Ortell Kingston has been convicted of incest and unlawful sexual conduct with his now seventeen-year-old niece who he had taken as his fifteenth wife./ His defense was rather weak "So many women who had time to check I.D."

While visiting Egypt Israeli Prime Minister Barak promised to "turn every stone" in the quest for a wider Middle East peace./ Quite the departure from Netyanyahu 's support of Israeli settlers and Arafat's support of the Infatah where the philosophy had been We'll turn every stone into something to tear a piece off you.

July 13

The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) has castigated major American broadcast networks because not a single new prime-time show has a leading character that's a member of a minority./ It's 1999 maybe an organization calling itself the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People should be writing off complaints using flesh colored crayons.

An American female doctor stationed at Amundsen-Scott research station South Pole Antarctica has been diagnosed with cancer; respecting her request for privacy her employer Office of Polar Programs at the National Science Foundation refuses to release her name./ Apparently with the high number of people (forty) she figures no one will ever guess it's her that's sick.

General Motors new television advertisement campaign for its Sierra trucks states that they're for the 1% which coincidentally is the motto of outlaw motorcycle gangs. Commenting on the situation Jean-Pierre Levesque a RCMP staff-sergeant and coordinator on outlaw motorcycle gangs for Criminal Investigation Service Canada stated "He's disappointed a corporation would associate itself with such an unsavory image./ Bikers commenting about the theft of their slogan coming after a jury showed General Motors was negligent in the placement of their gas tanks on their Malibus stated their disappointment their slogan would be associated with such an unsavory corporation.

Rebecca Bright a 20-year-old Royal Artillery gunner stationed in Kosovo has complained she's being forced to go hungry as the army meets her vegetarian needs by supplying soya-based food that tastes like meat./ The army could compromise by providing meals from McDonalds as nothing there tastes like meat.

Two members of the Seattle police department fingerprint-identification section fell off their chairs injuring themselves; consequently members of the unit have been ordered to take courses in how to sit safely./ Constables on Patrol are expected to take a course teaching them how to put one foot in front of the other and how to eat a doughnut without choking.

National Health Interview Survey researchers have found if a 20-year-old of any denomination attends a religious service once a week they'll live on average to 82; compared to a life expectancy of 75 for nonattendees./ Seems God after hearing from these folks at least once a week isn't in a hurry to have them constantly around.

Killer Karla Holmolka has been released from prison a minimum of times for medical reasons./ One can probably safely assume it wasn't attack of conscience.

Twice a Scarborough McDonalds has experienced shootings outside its door./ Apparently the shooters are confused about the definition of take-out window.

Changing procedures from previous other elections women will have to uncover their faces to get a vote in Jordanian elections. In other elections men wearing full Islamic women's gear had voted in the women's stead./ Exposure of ones' face should prevent veiled threats at the ballot box.

Eaton's is on the verge of selling eighteen of their stores to American giant Federated Department Stores, owners of Macy's and Bloomingdales./ Delaying the deal is Federated's insistence Eaton's stand by their warranty satisfaction guaranteed or money refunded.

July 14

In Hanoi their bicycle industry is being overrun by Chinese imports./ Seems the Vietnamese require spokesmen.

After a year of the high life Pauline Hanson's One Nation Party seems a virtually eliminated force as Hanson's views on multiculturalism raised many Australian's ire. However Hanson contends "I'll be buggered if I bow down to anyone and change how I want to see this country./ I'm confused is that an appeal to gay or anti-gay forces?

Six-year-old John Carpenter was found unharmed motoring down the highway on a battery-powered toy truck in Ohio; police picked him up after a flabbergasted motorist telephoned them./ Considering the geographical location this happened one can assume the motorist probably thought this was an invasion of little people.

Californian health-care workers and doctors must inform patients they have the right to pain-killers./ Somewhat like their Miranda rights they'll have the right to be silenced.

An Albertan family is suing a private school in Edmonton for $140,000 claiming the school ill-prepared the son for his university education./ The school is expected to counter-sue the parents for not getting involved with their son's education sooner and allowing him to think we've become so Americanized that we can sue others for our own stupidity.

Thiazide which has been on the market for decades equals or betters most everything they've since introduced to combat strokes and heart attacks according to the Canadian Medical Association Journal./ You're blood pressure will fluctuate right now depending if you've been taking another drug at a cost of dollars a day as opposed to Thiazide at pennies and it'll mostly be dependent on whether you've a drug plan or not.

Gamblers dropped $2-billion at Ontario Casino's last year./ Speculation most of the money dropped was by over-weight men wearing white pants, flowered shirts open at the neck, lots of gold and totally lacking in the ability to bend over.

A Dutch crematorium is offering live coverage of funerals on the Internet for those family members unable to attend the funeral./ It's uncertain that the concept will catch on so that you watch as the influences of your life spin in their graves as you break their list of taboos.

Indian eunuchs are helping to raise money for families of soldiers killed in the Kashmir conflict./ Before any thoughtless person makes light of this may I remind you being an eunuch just means not having anybody to do, not, not having anything better to do.

Toronto councillor Jack Layton has announced invitations to the homeless to use public buildings like Metro Hall as "cooling centres" ; meanwhile Toronto Mayor Lastman has denounced the councillor calling him "nuts" and suggesting Toronto is run by council not individuals.// Torontoians are expected to applaud Lastman's insights.

The Netherlands is decriminalizing euthanasia./ I hate to deal with stereotypical types but I would imagine this as dangerous to the Jewish people who love trumping each other "you're suffering from …….? That's nothing boychick compared to mine….. oy God should come and take me now.

July 15

George, Paul and Ringo are talking reunion concert for the re-release of their movie Yellow Submarine. Previously they stated as long John stays dead there'd be no reunion./ I know advances always are being made in medical science, but wouldn't it be unfair to bring back John while Yoko is still living?

10% of American families would like to be like television's Cosby's./ Black and wealthy?

The European Union announced it's ending its ban on British beef exports caused by the mad cow disease./ It's not that the Union feels British beef once again is safe it's just that they acknowledge the world's mad so it no longer matters.

The Worldwide Wrestling Federation announced it spent $25-million to acquire a 600-seat restaurant in the Broadway district of Times Square./ Speculation states you may have to fight for a seat, the house specialty surprisingly will be tossed salad and the decor will be faux.

In the States their house narrowly defeated increasing spending on the endowments./ Maybe part of the reason might be Pamela Lee's removal of her implants.

150,000 Syrian prisoners will be released granted amnesty by their President Hafez al-Assad most had been incarcerated for cheating on food rations./ Apparently this is a cost saving move as the Syrian government can't afford to be feeding these prisoners.

American regulators ran over 100 tests on dozens of automobiles, sport utility vehicles and pickup trucks finding the later two sometimes tipped on two wheels while executing very sharp turns whereas the automobiles usually hugged the ground./ Industry spokespeople stated "In all fairness we do call them light vehicles."

Hundreds of rabbits make Victoria General Hospital their home; unfortunately because of feces they represent a bacterial and general health problem so come August they'll be shot to eradicate this problem./ Personally I wouldn't want to be a very old guy or teen-aged lad visiting their female partner during this time and listening while she explains the rabbit died.

Melissa Levin is a lesbian who appreciates opportunities to perform good deeds after which she distributes her card stating "You've been assisted by a lesbian helper./ No folks this doesn't make her a fairy godmother.

Small male cuttlefish disguise themselves as females swim with the female and male and when the male steals off to fight a more obvious male for his female's affection the transvestite fish scores with the female./ Guys that's one trick to getting laid, another is pretending homosexuality so she has the challenge of converting you.

July 16

Ontario Solicitor General Dave Tsubouchi has suggested gun-toting criminals receive the harshest sentences./ In his previous incarnation as a minister over welfare recipients Tsubouchi recommended they're purchase of dented cans of tuna to procure a discount however no word whether using a dented gun would reduce your sentence.

A 40-year-old man was arrested after scaling the gates of the Queen's London home, Buckingham Palace./ Apparently Tony Blair wished to explain to her majesty in person about the failure of Irish peace initiatives.

A fifteen-year -old British girl suffering from heart failure despite protests against it had heart surgery forced upon her./ Some religious groups I realize would protest the state's imposition regarding one's health however personally I wouldn't wish someone to die broken-hearted.

Prime Minister Chretien has indicated noncertainity whether he'll run again./ Apparently at $5.99 per minute he's putting off his call to the psychic network.

Baseball umpires are threatening to strike./ Baseball itself doesn't seemed worried about the possibility as a call to local CNIB's has produced many volunteer replacements.

Sydney 2000 organizers are pushing for blood testing to be implemented for the 2000 Games./ Personally I've questioned single synchronized swimming but a blood testing event? Please.

Hell isn't a fiery furnace according to influential Jesuit magazine Civilta Cattolioca , Hell instead would be defined as a condition of existence of deprivation from God,/ Other helpful definitions of Hell are living in poverty in Harris Ontario, explaining to a premenstrual woman all men aren't insensitive or please feel free to supply your own definition,.

Hollywood superagent, Michael Ovitz has filed a $20-million lawsuit against the Canadian Imperial Bank of Commerce./ Guilty or innocent I'm not judging the bank however Ovitz received $100-million for just walking away from Disney and imagine how big of fans people are of banks forget legal expenses just pay the ticket.

Roald Amundsen the first explorer to the South Pole and possibly the first to fly over the North Pole was born this day in 1880./ Possibly the most famous person to be considered bi-polar.

Her father had imprisoned a twenty-three-year-old Egyptian woman for 108 days in a broom closet in an attempt to kill her because she divorced her eighty-year-old husband. Her survival was due to her brother smuggling her in food and drink every five days and the police discovering her while searching the house for other purposes./ The good news for the woman is she now knows she could live in a junior one-bedroom apartment in New York and have a modeling career based upon a diet of eating every five days.

July 19

The world's population this weekend passed 6billion./ Surprisingly there's those who claim soccer as the world's number one interactive activity.

A series of freakish incidents caused communications problems for Bell Canada users./ Only time in recent memory communications took a worse hit was when the poor were explained the advantages of the trickle down effect.

It was Molson Indy weekend in Toronto./ Toronto Police Chief Boothby used the occasion once again to plead for helicopters for high-speed chases.

Michael Gallagher a former Cincinnati Enquirer reporter who stole Chiquita executive's voice mail for an investigative series on the company was sentenced to five years of probation./ Chiquita's top banana suggested there's no appeal.

British Columbia Finance Minister Joy MacPhail has resigned her cabinet post./ While admitting cabinet meeting might seem 'Joyless" Premier Glen Clark commenting on the situation said it's just a Macresignation not an indication of MacPhailures or Mactroubles for his Macbeleagured government.

A paper boat is the name of a barge the forestry industry employs to assist the flow of wood chips and logs. A striking forestry worker was struck in the neck by a rope used for tethering the barge at Corner Brook Pulp and Paper's private dock./ The injured striker apparently in receiving the paper boat's cut is second to a library employee in paper cut injuries. I should point out the striker carpooled to the picket line and had the worst case of carpool syndrome exceeding any library employees.

Joseph Tompkins wishing to know whether a can of gasoline contained water lit a match prior to peering inside the can; the resulting explosion from the fumes burnt down a friend's mobile home./ Upon his return home Tompkins discovered poop on his doorstep; wishing to prove to his wife his luck had changed Tompkins scooped up the poop with his hands to show her what he almost walked in.

Striking Quebec nurses agreed to return to work delaying the issue of wage parity until later./ Apparently they feel later the winning conditions will exist.

David Cone of the Yankees pitched a perfect game against the Montreal Expos this weekend./ I don't know much about baseball but does this mean the Expos are perfect foils?

Of the Kennedy tragedy there's no joking; this weekend, poor Edward Kennedy./ Thirty years ago this weekend if he'd only been driving a Volkswagen at Chappaquiddick.

July 20

Sue Hammell, women's equality minister in the British Columbia government has resigned. This makes her the fourth high-profile resignation in a less than a week./ Rats don't depart a sinking ship faster, if this keeps up Glen Clark rather than having a cabinet will only have a drawer.

In Nova Scotia recent polling suggests the results of their election may be a hung government./ I'm sure no matter your political persuasion most people would be happy to see their government hung.

Star Wars movies and the Star Trek television series will be the backbone to receiving a bachelors degree of science and science fiction at the University of Glamorgan./ Bugs Life and Antz are expected to form the core requirements to receive a degree in entomology the study of insects.

Oxyl'Eau is water containing 400% more oxygen than most; thereby allowing athletes to recover their energy quicker./ So many questions, can you dilute it? Does this mean H2O no longer equals water?

In Toronto Elizabeth Magner is suing her neighbors the Huangs over their release of cooking vapours from their wok. Ms. Magner contends the Huangs are threatening her health and destroying her enjoyment of her home and backyard by venting "odorous" and "cancer-causing vapours directly at property citing a report that suggests a high incidence of lung cancer amongst "Chinese women" slaving over woks./ Magner has been to court before suing for attempted murder charges against a gentleman who consumed a pickled egg and beer during lunch then rode an elevator with her.

Mond Industries has changed its name to Trailmobile Canada./ Obviously hoping the Jerry Springer crowd may be confused by the name and think it has to do with trailer parks and buy shares of it.

The Women's World Cup soccer championship team visited the White House yesterday. The ceremonies were somewhat muted as melancholy pervaded because of the Kennedy situation./ You can tell the ceremonies were muted President Clinton was presented a team jersey and the player wasn't it; however Al Gore known for his woodeness was presented a soccer ball and showed how to bend his knee to kick it.

Budget cuts are going to effect the amount of security the royal family has./ The Queen will be down to having killer corgis and Prince Charles will be reduced to flashing a picture of Camilla Bowles to scare off attackers.

Rush Limbaugh commenting on the media's attitude towards the Kennedy's said " they could walk on water-they just couldn't fly over it." Thanks for the sensitivity Rush because we're sure in your case you're one massive flotation device.

Thirty years ago today man walked on the moon for the first time./ We've been back few times since; do you figure it was something we said that they don't invite us again?

July 21

Goderich, Ontario is the grand prize winner of Walt Disney Canada's Mickey's Hometown Parade contest becoming the first Canadian town awarded such honors./ Most Canadian towns never have experienced the Mickey or the Minnie having settled for just the Goofy.

A man from Clinton Ontario was pinned to the ground when an elevator he was working on collapsed./ I would think if your name is Clinton, if your from Clinton or in any way shape or size you've the Clinton name associated with you somehow that you wouldn't be surprised by something going down on you.

Jocelyne Moreau-Berube a former provincial court judge who lost her position on the bench for suggesting most Acadians are dishonest is appealing the decision./ She's hired herself a Jewish lawyer because they're good with the law.

The Highland games in Cambridge were canceled as an eight-year-old Erik Martin was hit by a tossed caber./ Not as physically damaging but mentally scarring was the fact several spectators were treated to the fact Scots indeed wear nothing under their kilts.

Johnson and Johnson seem to have developed a patch to replace oral contraception./ The beauty of the patch is women can place two over their eyes and imagine you're Fabio.

According to Werner Habermehl a professor of sexology writing in Freunden a German magazine, sex makes you healthier, happier, wiser and prevents headaches./ So how is it most doctors recommend Advil.

Toronto cops will be in a $10million hole by year end./ Crime numbers are down' so are we to figures cops are paying for their doughnuts or graft income is down?

Jesse Bridgewater, an epileptic who failed to take his anti-seizure medication killed a woman and her daughter during an epileptic seizure while driving a van. He was sentenced to fifteen years of jail time./ Apparently the jury's philosophy was "you going to have a fit we're not going to acquit."

Former Indonesian president, Suharto, was hospitalized yesterday after suffering a light stroke./ The stroke was immediately attacked with pepper spray.

In southern Ontario a new strain of rabies has triggered all-out war on raccoons./ Mishearing Jewish leaders immediately issued the following statement "New rabbis may be a strain but there's no excuse for an all-out war against them."

July 22

Saskatchewan has the highest proportion of any province of people playing golf./ Social scientists are baffled; questionable attire first; than golf, or golf; than questionable attire?

Attempting to establish a Guinness record for most socks collected for distribution nine-thousand participants of a Nazarene Youth Conference gathered nine-thousand pairs./ Upon washing the socks prior to distribution the group was left with 17,999 socks.

The city of Edmonton will hold mandatory classes on health and tax implications for independent escorts applying for business licences to work as prostitutes. Dr. Gerry Predy Edmonton's medical officer of health announced the classes will be short./ Presumably one will be in and out; though some may find it sucks.

One of the Queen's footman has been demoted for getting the Queen's corgis drunk./ I'll confess my ignorance of titles does this make him an inch-man or toe-man?

Statistics Canada claims the Canadian crime rate is its lowest in twenty years./ I blame lack of apprentice programs.

Canadian Pacific Railway announced 1900 layoffs yesterday./ Making this tragic is the fact their workforce is already down to 1800.

The Chinese are expecting to be in space next year./ Apparently the plan is to use Chinese acrobats standing on top of each other until they reach there.

Rick Ducharme has replaced David Gunn as Toronto Transit head./ If Ducharme can do the job rather than putting a Gunn to their heads I'll support it.

RCMP Sergeant Robert Kennedy is trying to build up a collection of foot impressions hoping to prove like fingerprints they're individual./ No word on how he plans to make the criminal element go barefoot.

San Antonio Spurs player, Sean Elliott requires a kidney transplant./ If done and successful will this make Elliott "a go too guy?"

July 23

Housewives in Mexico staged a one-day strike./ Commenting on the situation husbands stated "she can be chili today as long as she's hot tamale."

Coca-Cola has been raided by federal regulators in four European countries as the regulators review internal files with respect to commercial practices with retailers and other customers./ I suppose the regulators will indeed decide if "Coke is it."

Kursty Groves, an industrial design engineering student has developed a high-tech brassiere, with features such as built-in heart-rate monitor, wireless telephone and Global Positioning System locator. This way if a woman is being attacked her heart rate will reflect that and call and notify the police where she is./ Guys are kind of hoping the brassiere may be adjusted somewhat, like get very pointy to let us know if a woman is interested

Jean-Paul Labaye owner of a club in Montreal where members could go for cunnilingus, fellatio and orgies was charged with running a common bawdy house. Labaye's defense was the members knew the score./ Jean-Paul if they how to score they wouldn't probably be visiting a bawdy house.

The Pan Am Games have started./ I sincerely wish our athletes to win more gold, than get screwed up whilst peeing it.

The 123 illegal Chinese immigrants whose decrepit boat brought them to Canada's west coast on Tuesday may find themselves on their way to becoming Canadians soon./ It seems there's always a demand for Chinese to go.

Military critics have accused the Canadian army of tampering with medical records of soldiers stationed in Croatia thereby avoiding having to compensate them for crippling health problems resulting from being stationed there./ No word on compensation for troops stationed in Hamilton.

British Columbia, Premier Glen Clark shuffled his cabinet./ He astounded critics who figured there was insufficient members to shuffle.

John Kennedy Junior, his wife and sister-in-law were buried at sea yesterday./ Condolences and respects to both families, On a personal basis I can think of several people I wished assisted in the grave digging.

New evidence suggests that genetics plays a major position in cardiac arrest./ For those amongst you that are confused this doesn't mean if you gave your father a heart attack your children will probably give you one.

July 26

A round goby which is described as an aggressive foreign invader fish has been spotted in Lake Ontario./ Immigration is expected to press for the fish's deportation lawyers for the fish are expected to launch appeal after appeal to fight extradition; hoping by the time of the final appeal there'll be enough generations here to plead for family unity.

The space shuttle Columbia released the world's most powerful X-ray telescope into orbit; having waited for the first mission commanded by a woman, Col. Eileen Collins./ I guess NASA was waiting for a woman knowing she wouldn't spend the first hours using the telescope to gaze into Coed students dorms.

Police in Tillsonburg raided a home and managed to discover a kilo of cocaine./ For those who don't know Tillsonburg is tobacco country and sometimes you require something strong to straighten you especially after bending to pick tobacco.

Professor Christian Pfeiffer, a leading Western criminologist, commenting on why ten years after re-unification Germany remains a nation apart especially in their attitude to foreigners and political behavior states it has nothing to do with unemployment and a loss of society values but rather instead is all about toilet-training./ Seems logical; the sooner you're forced to contain crap the more likely you'll rebel against it.

Number of people in the United States for every lawyer is 300; the comparative number for the Japanese is6,600./ I'm not sure about The States being the land of opportunity but it certainly sounds like the land for the opportunist

Commenting about not having an English passport; Harrods owner Mohamed Al Fayed stated "I'm happy with an Egyptian passport. When they were animal skin and fighting with sticks we were building the pyramids./ Not to be an Anglo-booster but the British do seem to have some claim to fame since then; aren't the Egyptian's still just proud of their pyramids?

King Hassan 11 of Morocco died. They respectfully requested Jean Chretien didn't attend the funeral./ As an Arab nation that accommodated Israel one can assume they knew Chretien was busy with water-skiing and just didn't wish to embarrass him by noting his absence, for which I'm sure Jean says "thanks".

The per-cent of alcohol content prior to now wasn't required on British potables. However that's changing so one will know the amount of alcohol in their drink./ This way British youth will know what's the cheapest drunk.

Russian gangsters are not only exploiting their own countryman but North American markets starting with bootleg operations and graduating to various corrupted capitalistic schemes and rip offs./ It's only a matter of time that one of these gangsters produces an American child ready to run for the presidency.

The federal New Democrats often criticized as a free-spending group is the only federal party debt-free./ Apparently having no members saves a fortune on mailings.

July 27

Scientists have taught a chimpanzee to speak English./ Presidential hopeful Dan Quayle is hiring it to proofread anything written by him.

Roman Catholic Bishop Patrick Ziemann has resigned his position after charges of sexual battery by Reverend Jorge Salas./ Ziemann denies the sex was forced; but confesses he'll be a going, because of his coming.

53-year-old Joe Lessard chalked up his seventh consecutive championship winning once again the title at the 1999 Canadian Cherry Pit Spitting Championship. Lessard's spitting distance at the contest held in Blenheim was a distance exceeding 18.5 metres./ Kind of trivializes those Pan Am Games doesn't it?

Canadians are working longer and harder yet their incomes have dropped 5% since 1980./ Surprisingly Corporate executives incomes who have soared have suggested income tax cuts opposed to profit-sharing.

Geoff Monti arrested for nudity at the Woodstock concert claimed it was his way of advertising for a sexual partner./ Geoff no offense but sometimes if all you're given is an inch you can't make a yard out of it.

The National Catholic Register a Kansas City-based publication has launched an international art competition searching for an contemporary Jesus./ My guess is he'll stay white, wear a suit, short hair and most importantly vote Republican.

The workload of the average policeman has increased from nineteen cases to forty-six in the last thirty-six years./ Who even knew doughnuts were sold by the case?

Pittsburgh Penguin, Jaromir Jagr wearing drag helped out a charity. Teammates sometimes called Jaromir; Jaro, sometimes Jarry, but aren't sure how to address him now.

A woman who became a man, Helene now Claude-Marc Bardier, became a part-time prison guard. Bardier frustrated with minimal hours arranged attacks on co-workers to increase his work-time./ To work as a female guard, Bardier claims "I wouldn't have had the balls."

Wal-mart is introducing Sam's American choice a detergent to compete against Cheer and Whisk./ Just another attempt by the corporate giant to clean up.

July 28

One-hundred-sixty competitors from worldwide converged in Buckinghamshire for the Scrabble Championship./ It's not expected to be a peaceful event as words offered are given in the most pointed way.

In St. Marys Ontario, a stockinged and shoed prosthetic leg was found under a porch./ Apparently no one even knew Bouchard had come calling.

In Nova Scotia the Progressive Conservatives won a decisive victory./ Their campaign slogan had been controversial "With a leader named John Hamm you've got to believe we know something about pork barrel politics."

Former Bank of Montreal celebrity president Matthew Barrett is coming out of retirement and going to England to become chief executive of Barclays Bank./ Speculation is separation from jet-setting, model, wife may be costing more than previously anticipated.

Fidel Castro has accused Canada of being an enemy territory and rigging the rules of the sports being played in the Pan Am Games. I can't top the government official's comment when asked for comment said of the speech at 4.5-hours long we'll have to review it first, before we know what he said./ Actually 4.5-hours is short for a Castro speech.

Starting in October, adventure travel company Zegrahm Space Voyages will be offering a vacation involving simulators, equipment and instructors originally used by Russian cosmonauts./ Some people are surprised that playing at astronaut would be located in Russia; but it's not really extraordinary considering Yelstin has had several people playing at being a prime minister.

It's estimated approximately 22% of the American population can't find an intersection on a map, enter the correct background information on a Social Security card application nor total the cost of several items on an order form./ The question becomes is there enough government jobs to employ them all.

Canadian, Fred Stirling is a finalist in Maytag's lookalike contest for their lonely repairman./ Wouldn't it be wonderful if there were worthwhile lookalike contests; like finding a politician that looks like he cares about his constituents after elected.

Ultra-Orthodox Jewish leaders are upset with posters depicting Tarzan in a string thong wishing the producers put Tarzan in pants./ Personally having not seen what the leaders are talking about I'm not sure if they're upset because this makes Tarzan look Jewish or non-Jewish.

The Chinese are buying lingerie and underwear in increasing amounts but Wonderbra which sells for about ten times the domestic producers prices has been pulled from the shelves for not selling./ Wonderbra spokesperson said "We're just demonstrating the product by lifting and separating it from the Chinese market."

July 29

The Pope has declared Hell is not a physical location you go./ That warm air that just passed on you wasn't a summer breeze but a collective sigh of relief from politicians worldwide.

Manitoulin Transport reported the theft of one of there trailers containing $100,000. Of Campbell Soup./ Police suspect this being the work of professional crackers.

There were 30,000 suicides in the United States last year compared to 19,000 homicides./ Proving I guess if you want something done you've got to do it yourself.

Members of Boys Nation and Girls Nation, programs that teach young people about government, met yesterday with President Clinton in the group's annual gathering in Washington. Clinton, himself had met President Kennedy that way./ Looking at a young lad with his hand upon a young lady's tush inspired the president to quip "I know the future of the United States is in good hands."

The Natal Law Society of Johannesburg, South Africa (their equivalent of a bar association) 105 years after the fact have apologized unconditionally to Mohandas Gandhi for trying to prevent him from practising law because he was non-European./ Seems these fifty-one years of passive resistance Gandhi has offered in his death finally have paid dividends. Congratulations to brave men like him and Mandela.

Warren Bard is Canada's only commercial producer of birch syrup; which is like Maple but lighter. The company has no customer complaints but is plagued with internal birching

Trinidad and Tobago yesterday hanged a man convicted of killing a taxi-driver with a sledge hammer; this was the Islands 10th execution since returning capital punishment last year./ Apparently this a bid to make the Texan and Florida tourists feel to home

The American senate is debating lowering taxes by $800-billion over ten years with most of the benefits going to the rich. Republicans who traditionally are supported by the religious right state they're only practicing the Golden Rule- those with the gold make the rules.

Rescuers plucked a 69-year-old South Dakota kayaker from a sandbar on the Mackenzie River, where they found him starving and exhausted./ Fortunately for him he hadn't take the tributary Shit Creek and lost his paddle.

Useage of the Morse Code has died because of satellite dishes and computer technology./ For information about this I suggest you look at Morse dot. dash com.

July 30

Uranus has been found to have twenty moons./ Uranus, Moons please supply your own line.

Granny flats have been approved across Toronto./ For those who don't know this means formerly illegal suites will now be considered legal providing they meet building and fire regulations; it doesn't necessarily mean more housing for elderly women

Detroit is to become the home of casinos./ I guess they figure people gambled on driving American made cars all these years then they're ready to gamble on anything.

Martha Stewart is planning to sell $100-million of stock in her company Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia; the company dominate holdings include her magazine Martha Stewart Living, television shows, merchandising enterprises and Internet businesses./ The nice thing if the stock fails Martha will teach you how to make origami out of it. .

Judge Moreau-Berube who accused Acadians of being dishonest was restored to the bench./ Moreau-Berube stated "Thank God for an Acadian jury you can bribe them.

Amanda Forsyth, star cellist of the National Arts Centre Orchestra has had her cello stolen./ Police suggest the crime may be despicable but are reluctant that it should be considered the same as a crime of violins.

The lawyer for one of the accused woman of slaying an undercover Toronto police officer wishes to question jurors on their bias towards lesbians./ Apparently the lawyer is asking that the jurors consist of people the Neilson ratings people say use to enjoy the show Ellen.

Between 1994 and 1998 the government of Ontario has increased it's importation of hazardous waste by 300%./ Validates a lot of people's feelings about this government giving them lots of garbage and not safe garbage at that.

Richard Tremblay, a psychologist at Montreal University has found toddlers more violent than teenagers; biting, kicking and bullying./ Mike Harris responded quickly to this information stating that his government will react by setting up boot camps for these punks.

Delegates at the annual conference of the Professional Association of Teachers in England backed a proposal that suggested dogs would be the ideal candidates to take on the extra workload found in classrooms./ We already know that probably English bulldogs, French poodles and German shepherds could possibly help with developing language skills.

August 2

This weekend was Caribana weekend in Toronto. Unfortunately for some organizers on Saturday the day of the parade costumes and floats that had spent a year in their preparation just had the skies open and rain pour down upon them./ Several participants sharing open storage space saw their brightly painted blue and red floats which had been stacked upon each other marooned.

Canada's front-line border guards have been forbidden by Ottawa in a recent directive to ask questions about possible criminal background; federal officials decided this violates the visitors' privacy./ In other news Slobodan Milosevic announced his upcoming visit to Canada.

George Carey who's known better as the Archbishop of Canterbury hosted a secret meeting with members of the homosexual community. Homosexuality is an issue that's split members of the Church of England./ Carey in his wisdom figured if the homosexuals tried some of that Canterbury Tale they might change their inclination.

Scottish soccer teams East Stirlingshire and Clydebank attracted only 69 fans to their Scottish League Cup./ However in best British Isle tradition 138 fights broke out with almost as many arrests.

Mohammed Baddy an Egyptian lawyer lost his libel claim for $5-million against American president Bill Clinton. Baddy claimed compensation for mental anguish because after Clinton named his dog Buddy, Baddy was badly teased./ In other similar news the family of the late Sir Edmund Hillary is suing first lady Hilary Clinton for staying with a two-timing philandering satyr

Molecular biologists have succeeded in making a healthy normal human cell into a cancerous cell. It's hoped that by having this capacity science will be able to do the reverse and eliminate cancer./ Failing that they have a way for misery to have company..

Linda Tripp has been indicted by a Maryland grand jury on two charges of illegal wiretapping related to her secret taping of conversations with Monica Lewinsky . Mrs. Tripp's spokesman says she's pleading not guilty and feels she's a victim of a "campaign of politically motivated vengeance." / How dreadful some people would employ such tactics as opposed to betraying the trust of a supposed friend just so you can get some maniacal revenge on men in general and one in particular.

American Air Force Lieutenant Ryan Berry a practising married Roman Catholic has refused on religious grounds and fear of temptation to be part of a 24-hour, two-person crew in the tight quarters of a missile-control room if his partner is a woman. / The lieutenant further states under no circumstances will he enter a cockpit.

The Kenya Wildlife Services recovered a record amount of ivory from poachers this years./ Apparently the poachers weren't too subtle carrying in nonfinished furniture labeled Steinway.

August 3

Researchers at Shiseido the world's fourth-largest cosmetics maker report that people over forty, especially men produce "nonenal" which they say is the leading ingredient in body odour. The company plans to launch a product line to combat this problem./ Maybe my olfactory system is suspect but most older men smell extremely youthful to me; Depends and baby powder.

Whitewater independent counsel Kenneth Starr has announced after five years he's finished with the Arkansas phase of his investigation./ I guess that leaves only forty-nine states to go.

Prime Minister Chretien shuffles his cabinet today./ If I were him I'd take a second look at the deck; all the cards he's shuffling seem to be Jokers

Steve Vezina has apologized to the country and his teammates for costing them a gold medal. He does however feel people would be less upset if he robbed a bank. /Absolutely! Talk about not getting it banks with their usurious service fees, rip off interest rates and beyond greed profits; Steve, most Canadians wouldn't care. However, robbing your drug-free, hard-working teammates and fellow countryman of gold we care.

Anetta Duel using the space aside for working out anagrams in the Daily Telegraph rather instead employed the space for willing her nephew her estate. A lawyer is investigating the legalities of the issue;/ nevertheless her final request to be buried six down and four across was honored.

Come as You are is a sex shop in downtown Toronto that's somewhat unique in that all its merchandise is open so the customer can feel it, try it and ask questions about it, with the guarantee at least one staff member has tried it./ Feedback from customers include "even when your jerked around you leave there feeling completely satisfied".

Many businesses in Halifax are employing an anti-fragrance policy banning the useage of perfume by their staff./ Perfume providers thinks this policy stinks and are fearful Halifax is taking leave of its scents.

A British student was attacked and eaten by lions./ The lions' defense was they were reenacting Christian, Lion Heritage Days.

American Dream is a theme amusement park on the outskirts of Shanghai; on a good day it drew twelve people, considerably less than the 30,000 per day predicted./ For Disney it kind of puts Euro-Disney in perspective.

An Indian train crash killed at least 275 people,/ Surprisingly Pakistan offered to purchase India lots more trains.

August 4

Toronto Dominion Bank has bought Canada Trust resulting in minimum 4,900 lay offs./ The Toronto Dominion when it was merging with another bank promised no lay offs; this means "what?", the banks were lying? Trust companies services different from banks? Banks were lying? Trust companies are inefficient? Banks were lying? Trust companies provide more service to customers and banks were lying?

CBC-TV News, balding anchor, Peter Mansbridge and actress wife Cynthia Dale gave birth to baby William Stanley. I'm not sure about Mansbridge being over-the- hill but all evidence indicates he probably was over the Dale.

Researchers at Dallas Zoo looking for ways to encourage the ocelots to breed have found for some of them Calvin Klein's Obsession Cologne drives them wild./ If you're suspicious of that office dweeb's claims to success with the ladies check those scratch marks, regarding the rest of you be careful about what you 're wearing while visiting you're local metropolitan zoo.

Ontario Solicitor General David Tsubouchi has no intention of raising the speed limits on 400 series highways stating "while we've been in office we've haven't got any official requests." Ontario Provincial Police Superintendent Bill Currie makes an annual plea for an increase in the posted maximum speed limit./ This means the Conservatives don't consider the provincial police as official voices? The Conservatives are lying regarding requests about the speed limit ? The Provincial Police are lying regarding submissions of their requests for an increase in the speed limit? The Conservatives just don't listen to anything other than their own voices?

Prime Minister Chretien after the recent cabinet shuffle stated this is the team he wishes to lead in the next election; regarding his staying on as Prime Minister he says he likes the job too much to quit./ Everybody raise their right hand and repeat after me I (insert your name) pledge to make the Prime Minister's job as least enjoyable as I possibly can.

The New Brunswick government has given the go-ahead to a new hog factory at Saint-Marie-de-Kent despite protesters fears the facility will smell and hurt tourism./ I'm surprised about the location of the plant figuring it would be more at home in Nova Scotia under the jurisdiction of Premier Hamm.

Rumours abound former Ontario New Democrat Premier Bob Rae will be appointed Governor General./ Apparently the belief is it's not much of a stretch; from writing pro-homosexual legislation to being the Queen's representative.

The New Brunswick government will appeal a court case that ruled Ottawa has jurisdiction over tidal portions of the province's rivers./ The province's support over the issue seems dependent on the time of day ebbing at some points and high at other times.

Loosening it's strict quarantine laws Britain announced plans to grant pets passports for travel rather than locking them up for six months in kennels./ Expect Immigration Canada soon to announce a flood of animals showing up in boats with out passports some how.

The Queen mother celebrates her 99th birthday today./ It's expected she'll down 99 gins to celebrate it.

August 5

Alfred Meeraiya is suing McDonald's Restaurants of Canada for unspecified damages because after biting into a Big Mac he discovered a large metal bolt. Meeraiya claims pain and discomfort, loss of enjoyment of life, loss of psychological well-being and impaired ability to eat./ Personally I'm not a juror but suspect Meeraiya already had impaired abilities in eating and was just to wussy to spill coffee in his own lap.

Americans when asked their impressions of Canada stated they associate Canada with the great outdoors; laid back, nice people; "some" French-speaking people; Mounties even beer. However most Americans were ignorant of the fact Canada is their largest trading partner and of any products manufactured in Canada./ Besides beer, we have another product manufactured here?

Cuban, Javier Sotomayor was stripped of his gold medal for high jumping after testing positive for cocaine./ Officials were on to him quite quickly as he used a spoon rather than a pole to launch himself.

The Greater Toronto area has become coyote country as an abundance of food exists for them because of mild winters and hunting and trapping bans in urban areas./ Mostly they come because they find eating within city limits easier than catching a roadrunner.

Today's youth should have plenty of jobs in the future as the baby boomers retire and the Generation X'ers won't have the skills to do the job./ Using a royal model it's like Prince William probably being King much longer than Charles.

Bell has been okayed to charge 75 cents for dialing directory assistance whether they're successful in obtaining your number or not./ Admittedly this could be considered upsetting but compared with being charged because they thought it was time for you to call your folks even if you didn't think it is, is even more upsetting.

Yesterday was Yasser Arafat's birthday the day after the Syrian Defense Minister proclaimed Arafat the son of 60,0000 whores and 60,000 dogs./ It's believed for his birthday Yasser received the customary tablecloths for his head; as to the Defense Minister's comments perhaps it explains greatly why Arabs have so many children they don't realize you can only have one set of parents but a multitude of children.

Some Toronto-area women's shelters forbid their abused residents from watching the Jerry Springer show feeling it makes abusive behavior seem natural./ I'd think it would be uplifting for those women to know they're superior to someone.

Rolling Stones, Mick Jagger is the father of baby number seven./ Seems he can get some satisfaction after all.

Verna Carter's mother's cremated remains were stolen from her car's back seat. "It's embarrassing and you feel guilty," Ms. Carter said. "How could you lose your mother?" / Relax Verna it's not like you made an ash out of yourself.

August 6

Conrad Black is suing the Prime Minister over not receiving his peerage./ Employees of Black vouch for his sincerity saying never mind "Lord" for months now Black has wished to be addressed and has introduced himself as God.

Scientists in Texas state research on mice indicate perhaps sunburning may actually be good for you./ I recommend as a primer to scientists you check Woody Allen's movie Sleeper.

Judge Lawrence Keshner has sentenced four men guilty of burning crosses on a black family's yard to take racial sensitivity training which will include watching films like Schlinder's List and Amistad./ Previously the judge had success sentencing poachers to watch Bambi.

The Kurdistan Workers Party said yesterday it would abandon the struggle for Kurdish self-rule./ It seems Turkey wins the gravy as the Kurds don't have their way.

Most women when they hit the glass ceiling will quit their jobs rather than staying and fighting./ It makes sense to me; what women wants her dress looked up anyway?

Kamaljit Grewal broke his arm wrestling an electronic arm-wrestling machine is suing the arcade that provided the machine because he states "everyone was laughing at me because they couldn't believe how it happened."/ I believe Kamaljit has a legitimate grievance; a machine set-up for amusement shouldn't break your arm; however I question who Grewal will sue if he loses his case and his friends laugh at him about that.

In Halifax John Richard MacNeil was convicted yesterday of throwing rocks through windows at their Legislature building, Province House./ Ironically MacNeil lives in a glass house.

In Jakarta Indonesia, Mulyadi Umar Jaya, an office cleaner at the Presidential Palace who admitted to stealing eleven of the president's Mountblanc pens and allowing his nephew to sell them off to finance his wedding. Mulyadi was sentenced to a fourteen-month jail sentence for the deed. Apparently Mulyadi was overjoyed about the precieved light sentencing initially but quickly became distraught later after he found out he misconstrued "you're going to the pen."

A shortage of kidney donors is causing a dialysis crisis./ Conditions are so bad speculation is people will be sacked if things don't improve.

Abraham Zapruder's family was rewarded $16-million-U.S. for the grainy 26-second tape showing JFK's assassination./ Kind of puts the Blair Witch Project people in their place.

August 9

The 13th Pan American Games ended last night with the Guess Who reunited and playing in concert for the first time in sixteen years./ With Guess Who in concert I believe Canada won another gold for talent portion of the games. Cuba counted only five defectors showing that by their coaches showing Portage end Main in the middle of Winter was enough to discourage other team members from defecting.

A California company, Infectious Awareables, has developed a line of ties and cotton under-garments featuring patterns of fifteen diseases and bacteria as they'd appear under a microscope, Of the fifteen you've got the pattern of gonorrhea, syphilis, AIDS, tuberculosis, herpes, chlamydia, Ebola, Black Plague and influenza./ You'd have to wonder sick mind would wear these; "here's my gonorrhea pattern." "Thanks how enchanting."

An inquiry into the killing of an Australian missionary and his two sons burnt alive as they slept in their jeep has dismissed suggestions that a Hindu extremist group was involved blaming instead a lone religious fanatic./ It's usually those lone religious fanatics that possess burning desires.

Lightening struck a record 582 times within six hours in area confined to 50-kilometers around Victoria, British Columbia./ I believe we have a winner in the Benson and Hedges light show.

Chief Superintendent Lynne Twardosky took over as commanding officer of the RCMP Depot Division becoming the first woman to head the police forces training academy in Regina./ This came as a relief to some officers who feared the first lady to head anything within RCMP ranks would be Minnie Mouse.

Nigerians are using the word Toronto to imply anything fraudulent; this resulted from a political scandal in which Ibrahim Buhari, the speaker of the lower house of the Nigerian Parliament was forced to resign after falsely claiming he had a business degree from the University of Toronto./ Finally Torontoians can hold their heads high as they've got a more accurate description than Hogtown.

Lisa Cote who violated her school's dress code by dying her hair blue was barred from attending graduation ceremonies./ Ironically such decisions are usually arrived at by the blue rinse set.

High Liners is sending it processing operations to China because the workers there work for $3. A day./ Well, Captain High Liner I received a message from Billy he claims you give him a haddock and wishes you go to Halibut.

Opposition politicians have criticized the Malaysian government for secrecy about the large amount of haze over the country, The government in it's defense stated the reason for their nonwillingness to release the pollution index is because probably it would discourage tourism./ The tourism board wishing to appear above board even has a catchy slogan "We would like to see you if we could".

The homeless and activists continued their occupation of Allan Gardens last night. Meanwhile the government of France has passed legislation stating those on welfare or those that can't afford one, will have a vacation provided for them./ When first elected the Harris government promised one-way bus tickets to where ever a welfare recipient wanted to go I wonder if they'll consider providing them one-way air fares.

August 10

In the ongoing APEC Inquiry Superintendent Wayne May backed Prime Minister Chretien assertion of no political interference./ Lending credibility to the tale is there's no documentation showing the Mounties stepped up their purchases of soapstone carvings for the purpose of dissuading felons.

Rock carvings found at Petroglyph Provincial Park near Peterborough suggest Scandinavians crossed the Atlantic 3000 years ago and traveled that far inland. The indicator of such information is ancient rock carvings at the Provincial Park which illustrate Viking-like ships almost identical to rock carvings found in Sweden./ The big clincher of their Scandinavian origin is an advertisement for a smorgasbord featuring Swedish meatballs and Norwegian Sturgeon among other dishes.

Canadian supermodel Linda Evangelista was robbed of $242,000. worth of jewelry./ Not losing any of her professionalism a somewhat shaken Evangelista snapped back at a reporter's request to pose a question by saying "I'm the one who does the posing around here."

Musquodoboit Harbour outside of Halifax was the scene of an accident as tree fell upon a logger./ No formal inquiry is expected but some questions apparently need to be axed.

Carrefour Angrignon Mall in Montreal saw 5,000 people forced outside because of a gas leak./ Ironically the mall houses no outlets that sell poutine.

North Korea is accusing the United States of trying to start a war in the region by insisting the Communist country put off a test missile launch./ While not verifying anything; Viacom is attempting to keep Mash in syndication reruns in every major North American city.

Claiming they're safe havens for drug pushers, smugglers and assorted criminal types; police bulldozed slums in Bangladesh./ I'm not Kreskin but I predict price of drugs and smuggled goods to rise as these people find a more expensive haven and homelessness to increase.

Elizabeth Dole has slipped from superstar status in the Republican campaign to just another run against candidate George Bush./ Backing Elizabeth is former candidate, present Viagra spokesperson, husband, Bob Dole who claims "I stand firm in my support of my wife.

In St. Catharines a friendly soccer match turned ugly as one player had his ear bitten off by an unknown culprit./ Apparently Mike Tyson has an alibi for that time.

The Canadian National Railway blew up a large rock formation that was sacred to native aboriginal people./ An Indian spokesperson claimed this was just an example of Canadian National's boulder indifference to native people.

August 11

In the United States members of the homosexual community are finding Republicans receptive to their support./ However it's a large line between receptive and bending over backwards to support.

Kenneth Starr denied any personal or political vendetta against Clinton./ Apparently all this witch-hunting was just to give him notoriety, money and chicks..

Straight strip club owners are alleging Toronto police are looking the other way and not charging gay clubs with illicit sexual activity./ Nothing against the homosexual population but I'd be upset to hear Toronto police looking the other way or blowing their assignments or conversely their assignments blowing them.

Toronto police officers rousted the homeless from Alan Gardens./ None of the sentencing is expected to include house arrest.

Prince Philip known for his lack of political correctness at times apologized about comments he made regarding a fuse box looking like it was installed by "Indians"./ Come on Philip, sensitivity please; we all know it's the Italians who are electricians.

While serving in the Italian army stationed in Saint-Tropez, France between 1942-43 Giuseppe Fuggi lost his wallet. Recently a French builder stumbled upon it amongst the ruins of his house./ Unfortunately but as expected for Guiseppe the money was missing.

The California Prune Board is marketing as a low-fat healthy lunch a pruneburger; which is made of hamburger mixed with prune puree./ It's expected to be a big hit with those on the go; I'm guessing but to improve efficiency I imagine it'll be served on a bran bun.

Yousuf Karsh, whose photographic portraits became defining images of the century, was honoured yesterday by receiving the lifetime achievement award presented by The Canadian Association of Photographers and Illustrators in Communications./ Karsh admitted when he launched his career there was some uncertainty how things would develop.

The Chinese in an attempt to bolster the Panda population are taking to feeding them Viagra./ Apparently Pandas find each other cute, cuddly but not sexy something like John Goodman.

Worldwide today they'll be an eclipse of the sun.. An eclipse of the sun loosely means the view of the sun has been blocked by the moon causing various degrees of blackness. Former partners of Roseanne Barr in the horizontal capacity have often experienced this phenomena.

August 12

Jennifer Paterson television star as one of the Two Fat Ladies anti-low-fat cooking show has died / Costar Clarissa Dickson Wright is expected to sing at the funeral; thereby giving Paterson"s passing a finality; for we all know it's over when the fat lady sings.

Harrison McCain one of the founders of the McCain Frozen Foods empire has named his nephew Allison as the future chairman of their company./ Did he think, we thought he'd go outside of the family and bring someone in from a religious order, like a fish friar or chip monk?

Worldwide there were 1.1million people directly employed in occupations relating to the space industry./ Fortunately for most people they seem to be employed in industry where all that's required is they occupy space

A tornado touched down in Salt Lake City Utah yesterday injuring one-hundred people./ Given that they're predominantly Mormon in Utah its predicted the injuries could be confined to one family.

Sean Connery is the sexiest man of the century according to a poll conducted by New Women Magazine./ I wouldn't argue Connery's attractiveness past and even presently at age 68; however sexiest man of the century, maybe sexiest man closing in on a century.

Ontario doctors will face proficiency checkups./ I applaud this move you don't wish incompetent doctors; however I fear it might bring the death of geriatrics as they probably lose the highest number of patients.

Thieves drained 12,000 litres of grappa brandy from a warehouse in Asti, Italy./ The thieves are believed to be members of the rival to Alcoholics Anonymous; Anonymous Alcoholics.

Prince Philip has been lambasted and won the title "daft old man" because of a string of gaffes and insulting jokes./ Mishearing, Philip claimed "I'm not deaf; thanks to those yellow-skinned Jappers advances in electronics my hearing aid works fine.

A recent poll by New Women Magazine found woman rated the size of a man's penis as the twentieth most important item to them./ I guess then I'll stop featuring mine and just tuck it back into my pants.

Actor, Warren Beatty, today announced his consideration for running for the office of presidency of the United States./ His resume is impressive; better actor than Reagan, better choices in philandering than Clinton and sister Shirley MacLaine has probably if not married at least slept with every great leader in her past lives so could provide Warren valuable insights.

August 13

Investigators said Buford Furrow, suspect in a shooting on Tuesday at a Jewish Community Centre in Los Angles, confessed to the shooting of a Filipino-American letter carrier because he was a nonwhite "target of opportunity"./ That's the tragic news; conversely the wondrous news is Michael Jackson because of his coloring in what could have been a fatal encounter with Furrow therefore escaped being shot.

In Kentville Nova Scotia a two-year-old boy was found on his neighbor's porch in the middle of the night, wearing only diapers, crying and holding a bottle./ Fortunately the toddler was okay, unfortunately, little ones learn this trick from their parents.

The American Pentagon is looking to change its' policy of " Don't Ask, Don't Tell" which allowed homosexuals to serve in the military even though there was officially still policy against homosexuals serving./ Apparently the failure of the plan was not recognizing homosexuals like to gossip.

Microsoft Corporation acknowledged yesterday that one of its programmers apparently masqueraded as an independent computer expert in an effort to discredit America Online./ Microsoft is willing to label this program as Words Imperfect.

Walt Disney is selling Fairchild Publications their magazine division./ They'd be happy to sell their ownership of the RCMP but no ones interested despite rumours of a Chinese buyer with a boat that has capacity for 5,000

North and South Korea played a game of soccer to promote harmony between the countries. Apparently neither side knows the rules as there was no fan promoted hooliganism; though considering it was for promoting harmony the coaches were heard screaming "kick those balls in" which only promotes the harmony found in the Vienna Boys Choir.

Stripper Cindy Cinnamon has raised controversy in Quebec after using a fire station and firefighters for her upcoming video Cindy Cinnamon, the Queen of Exhibitionism. The controversy swirls on the propriety of using public property for shooting a private commercial porn flick./ I blame the language laws there; the station chief was duped because his English skills became so rusty he confused the words pubic and public.

Former Montreal Mayor Jean Drapeau has died./ While the Mayor may be remembered for many things I feel his scientific insights were the most profound as some day soon scientists will allow men to have babies. We remember; merci.

Misses Niagara Region, Southern Ontario and Toronto, have quit the Miss Canada International pageant, questioning its legitimacy, professionalism and judging of the swimsuit competition./ The organizers of the pageant defended themselves suggesting the girls were perhaps insecure because they saw competition stacked against them.

The United States National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) had named Isfahan Iran as the best place to view the eclipse, thereby promoting tourism there. Irani vigilantes appeared, harassed the tourists with shouts of "Death to America". The Iran reformist government was upset because they're trying to promote tourism. The government's stance is of moderation rather "Death to America" they've got the lighter chant "A plague upon you America".

August 16

Australian scientists have discovered proof of life form over 2.7billion years old./ It seems after DNA testing to be American Senator Strom Thurmond's older brother.

Tennis great Steffi Graf announced her retirement ./ She so often left her opponents with love I'm sure she'll be greatly missed.

In the United States Teamsters President James Hoffa announced "the teamster union is as free of corruption as any great institution./ I wonder which great American institutions he's talking about; the presidency which received donations from Asians, the Pentagon which regularly buys ninety-nine-cent screw drivers for over a hundred-dollars or police forces which almost spend as much time investigating their own as they do tracking criminals.

Toronto University students occupied Allen Gardens, Friday night and vowed to do so every Friday night to highlight the plight of the homeless./ University students seem like a logical group to be protesting the troubles for the homeless for afterall aren't university students the next generation of homeless.

Three young men working in a psychiatric hospital in Kazakhstan have been charged with murdering and grinding up seven prostitutes into pelmeni (Siberian ravioli) and consuming them./ Of course it's expected one of them will plead he didn't like the prostitutes so all he ate was the noodles.

In Cambridge Massachusetts, the city's police commissioner apologized for a course that taught cadets that pepper spray doesn't always subdue Mexican-Americans because of their tolerance for spicy foods./ Does this make the commissioner not a half-baked Boston human bean?

A billboard advertising the links between meat-eating and male impotency was blocked by woman's groups and carnivores./ It's also believed farmers were impotent with rage.

Doctors at Tarragona Spain studied forty-seven siblings and found the one who had the lower bunk in bunk beds was more susceptible to asthma./ Considering the size of the sample one could argue the findings are bunk.

Canadian Airlines and Air Canada are talking possible merger./ Great; it takes the pressure off trying to figure which airline will serve the crappy food, have the snippy stewardesses er hostesses, depart late, lose your luggage and any of a thousand things that make any alternative travel sound pleasant by comparison.

August 17

Accompanying the Chinese migrants that just landed on British Columbia's shores was a combination golden retriever, labrador mixed dog that's quite pregnant. Despite everything the people of Victoria have opened their hearts to the canine./ Proving Canada indeed is going to the dogs.

Eaton's appears on the brink without a buyer./ Besides not having a customer it looks like no one is interested in purchasing their stores either.

Ottawa is looking to increase the number of immigrants to 500,000./ Forget immigration let's just take in refugees.

In Southern Ontario there's a record low in the amount of mosquitoes./ For those missing little blood suckers parlaiment will be reconvening soon.

A thief armed with a handsaw and on a bicycle robbed a gas station in Winnipeg./ In the attendant's defense he had been told never to fight a hold-up and the felon apparently appeared looking as he was just itching for an opportunity to use the handsaw.

Thirteen worm pickers were injured in a pickup-van collusion eat of Goderich, Ontario./ Even though none of the causalities seem life-threatening nevertheless their families are awaiting with baited breath the result of hospital examinations.

Sony has invented a life-like robotic dog that's so realistic it will play fetch, sniff at visitors and perform most dog-like activities./ Of course the worst part is it leaves little drops of machine oil behind everywhere, until you house-train it.

Groom, Tom Anderson and bride Sabrina Root had their $34,000. wedding paid for by selling advertising space at the ceremony and reception. The advertisers had their names mentioned on the invitations, cards at the dinner table, scrolls at the buffet, on thank you cards and mentioned verbally after the first toast./ Having not been, we're uncertain if Viagra and Trojans sponsored the conjugal ceremonies.

Royal Ontario Museum archeologist David Pendergast discovered a 25-centimetre-long carved rib of a manatee at a Mayan excavation in Belize, initially Pendergast made the erroneous assumption thinking it was a badly carved spoon; however his thinking has come around to believing the implement was actually a regurgitation spatula; something one used for purging themselves./ If Pendergast's thinking is correct it may mean modeling as a career has been around longer than first thought.

Boston College's foremost radical-feminist philosopher and theologian, Professor Mary Daly has been forced into retirement after twenty years of barring male students from her classes because she claims "they effected the concentration of her female students./ Professor Daly is expected to accept a teaching assignment in Iran where she can help the Mullahs spread tolerance; especially of gender.

August 18

Turkey was hit by a devastating earthquake, in addition high temperatures are hitting most of the nation./ Pardon my observation but Turkey really seems shake and baked.

Ontario, Premier Mike Harris complained about the church criticizing workfare./ The Premier is right, after all the church had things like the Inquisition so they're not much better.

A bull imported from Mexico via the States to participate in a bullfight for a Spanish-style festival in Montreal has escaped from its' holding pen../ Authorities commenting on the situation are admitting secretly the bull has applied for refugee status claiming its' life would be in danger if returned home.

The Canadian government's "swords-into-plowshares" offer of burning plutonium into fuel for Ontario's nuclear industry has failed../ There's always plenty of headaches involved in being a platonic friend but they pale by comparison to being a plutonium friend.

The Governor-General's has redrawn the viceregal lion upon its' crest making the present lion declawed and with its tongue nonsticking out/ Probably the next move will change it from a lion to a kitten playing with a ball of wool. Canada's national animal, the beaver is known for it's over-bite which generally conveys friendliness or simple-mindedness, national bird is associated with adjective "silly" goose, national sport is lacrosse though highly exciting has virtually no players, other sport hockey is controlled and dominated by Americans and ever increasing number of Europeans, national tree Maple is mostly known as sappy and our national police force the RCMP is controlled by Walt Disney; hmn, is it any wonder refugees think this country is easy pickings?

According to Doctor Norman Campbell president of the Canadian Hypertension Society possibly over two-million Canadians are misdiagnosed with high blood pressure./ This is good news if this kind of information stresses you it makes those numbers more possible and if it causes you no stress who cares if the numbers are wrong?

A United States federal judge dismissed a complaint against AT&T Corporation ruling that America Online Incorporated doesn't have exclusive rights to the popular expression "you have mail"./ Ironically though made famous by Will Smith and Austin Powers the phrases "get jiggy" and "Do I make you horny baby, do I? were rewarded exclusivity to President Clinton.

Due to a phobia of drowning Katsuo Katugoru invented inflatable underwear that will expand to thirty times their original size when impacted by a tidal wave./ When inflated everyone looks like Marlon Brando.

Earlier this week Columbine students reclaimed their school four months after the tragic shootings that went on there, they held a rally and shouted "We are Columbine./ Perhaps if they did away with that quaint military and American tradition of a twenty-one gun salute they may have looked like they had received the message.

Lisa Marie Presley is auctioning off 2,000 items of father Elvis's to raise money for the homeless./ It's believed some of Elvis's last suits should provide two-people tents for this cause.

August 19

Planet Hollywood has filed for bankruptcy protection blaming its financial status to over-expansion and poor sales./ We wondered how long displaying sand used in the filming of Ishtar and paying $10. for a hamburger would hold attraction.

The Ontario government has guaranteed its' province's pregnant women sixty hours in the hospital rather than rushing them out after twenty-four./ It's only after there sixty hours will they be expected to resume their workfare duties.

Manure is so plentiful in Texas it's clogging sanitary landfills used for organic waste. State officials plan to scatter cattle droppings along highways to help grow grass and protect road erosion./ Of course some will suggest the biggest supplier of manure is leaving the office of Governor to run for President.

Male mice are typically polygamous and antisocial whereas prairie voles are friendly and monogamous; neuroscientists however have discovered by injecting mice with the prairie vole gene trait changes them into prairie vole-like animals./ Poor Mickey is expected to go through harassing by his friends "What are you a mouse or a vole?"

The Canadian Broadcasting Standards Council, the industry's self-policing group ruled on an episode of Bugs Bunny that a viewer had found offensive. The episode involves children in a Hansel and Gretel like story Bugs rescuing them, and with the aid of a magic powder transforming the witch into a nubile female bunny with whom Bugs can cavort. The transformation of witch into nubile bunny causes Bugs to remark "Ah sure, I know! But aren't they all witches inside?" The council pardoned Bugs because he used the "I-was-only-joking defense. Bugs whose a member of species known for being prolific has no children himself causing the Roman Catholic church to sue him for being a poster boy for zero population growth.

A Norwegian man is accusing a dolphin of attempted rape; claiming while swimming the dolphin's penis caught between his leg and swimsuit prior to the Norwegian clambering back to safety aboard his boat./ The Dolphin's defense was "Hey he never complained when he was over my blow-hole."

Prime Minister Chretien was down in Halifax earlier this week where he stopped in to visit Salter Street Film and was invited to direct part of Lexx; a science-fiction television series; Chretien accepted the invitation and apparently spent a long time taking a lingering look over scantily-clad women in the scene./ If that doesn't define the difference between Canadian and American politicians; Canadian politicians will take long looks at something and do nothing whereas American politicians aren't afraid to go and screw with the same thing and " so what if it blows?"

Ontario, Premier Harris has guaranteed to back Toronto's bid for the Olympics providing the games offer no deficit./ It's expected his government will consider paying people on social assistance not a large amount but enough to eke by on if they pledge to go off Welfare effective immediately

Republican Presidential candidate George Bush has refused to ask questions about useage of illegal drugs calling questions of his personal life "ridiculous and absurd"./ Asked to describe Bush as a youngster life-long friends said "ridiculous and absurd."

Men living in Toronto live the longest of any Canadian male./ According to non-Torontoians it must just seems like the longest.

August 20

The Evangelical Lutheran Church in America and the Episcopal Church have agreed to fully recognize each other's members and sacraments, exchange clergy when needed and join in missionary and social service projects./ This sounds like merger to me; therefore less competition and assuredly, raising the cost of sinning.

Republican hopeful presidential candidate George Bush claims while his father was president he would have passed stringent background checks for illegal drug use; however Bush refuses to answer the question in regards to the period his father served as vice-president./ It's expected later on Bush will claim naiveté and suggest what's the point of being vice-president if you don't represent vices?

In Brussels the Dutch branch of animals-right group Animal Liberation Front claimed responsibility for an arson fire that destroyed a McDonald's restaurant./ Nobody has explained what McDonald's has to do with violating animal rights it's not like they use meat in anything.

Saskatchewan has declared an election and new to the world of political parties is the Saskatchewan Party with leader Elwin Hermanson. Hermanson was raised along the banks of the South Saskatchewan River with no electricity until he was six, telephones considerably after that and home-schooled until he was nineteen./ Admittedly as all children Hermanson had no input into his childhood environs but as an adult he views the coming of electricity, telephone service and public schools as government intrusion therefore you have to wonder what he believes government is responsible for.

Rachel Haigh, a seventeen-year-old British teenager died from eating her own hair. Apparently Rachel had chewed her hair for years; until it growing to the size of a football inside her led to surgery which failed because of massive internal bleeding./ Condolences to the Haigh family who for years watched Rachel licking herself, meowing when a sardine can would open and basically were figuring without the benefits of surgery that she'd surely would cough out that hairball.

Today in history was Winston Churchill's memorable dedication to the Royal Air Force, after their fighting the Battle of Britain Churchill declared "Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few."/ It's believed this is Visa and Master Cards internal credos; conversely Eaton's employees could say the opposite.

Gardening expert and columnist Bill Keller reports cut flowers stay perkier longer and are less likely to go limp if the anti-impotence drug, Viagra is spiked into their water./ Earlier there had been rumours of pansies using Viagra already.

Two American boaters broke a speed record on Wednesday for traveling the Inside Passage along the British Columbian coast, from Ketchikan to Seattle. Racers Kurt Willows and Paul Whittier took 11hours, 40minutes and 50seconds to travel the 1,120-kilometres./ Immediately after docking the racers were approached by a unknown Chinese boat buyer.

Marcin Falarz confessed to crashing his employer's, a telemarketing firms computers, crippling the firms abilities to perform any calls for the day. Falarz stated the hacking gave him a "higher power and a sense of purpose"./ The problem facing the judicial system is finding a jury to convict somebody that stopped a telemarketing company from making their calls.

The world's fastest bird the peregrine falcon at the brink of extinction in 1970 down to 39 breeding pairs has been considered recovered sufficiently to be removed from the endangered species list./ Summing up their recovery American Interior Secretary Bruce Babbit said "Falcon; amazing.".

August 23

Premier Mike Harris and wife Janet are at least temporarily separating./ Millions of Ontarions would like to see this as a class action joining Janet in feeling Harris has screwed them enough and they wish to separate from him too.

Lawyers for a Jewish boy in Mississippi filed suit against a school board that ordered him to stop wearing a Star of David pendant because they believe it would be perceived as a gang symbol./ The state contends the boy confessed to gang membership stating his membership as "one of God's chosen people."

Premier Glen Clark of British Columbia resigned this weekend./ The New Democrats chances of reelection in British Columbia just went up from zero to next to zero.

Quebecois, Scotty Davis an Elvis impersonator allegedly entered the United States illegally to compete in an impersonation contest. Davis who faces eleven counts of fraud back in Quebec was arrested and is claiming he didn't know he required permission from American authorities to enter their country. Facing possible deportation Davis has launched a hunger strike as a protest./ Nutritionists are uncertain how long the hunger strike would have to go on to change Davis from the "Old Elvis" to the "Young Elvis"

Fuji Bank, Industrial Bank of Japan and Dai-Ichi Kangyo Bank are Japan's three largest banks. Applauded by worldwide economists these three banks are coming together to form the world's largest bank with assets over a trillion-dollar -U.S./ I'm no economist but wasn't the Asian crisis which almost drowned the world's economies started by the waves of these banks making bad loans; what do these economists think better to drown under one humungous tidal wave?

A four-year-old Kentville, Nova Scotian, boy plunged off a cliff at Blomidon Provincial Park and plummeted twenty metres before slamming into a thin ledge. The boy suffered head lacerations and some bruising but otherwise is fine./ With such luck to survive a fall like that and taking a blow to the head like he must have, the boy must have a potential career as an elected politician or political advisor.

Joe Clark emerged from a three day caucus all pumped up; declared the Liberal popularity vastly inflated because they're a do nothing government unlike the Conservative governments which showed courage and imagination by introducing GST, free trade and Meech Lake accord./ Great! What we've got to do is elect a federal Progressive Conservative government, have them introduce policies nobody likes, have the Liberals promise to abolish these policies, reelect the Liberals and wind up with the Conservative's policies still in place.

Edmonton's mayor and police have set up a task force to deal with escalating violence between gangs fighting for control of the city's drug trade./ The consensus is the drugs should be controlled by the police who usually have the purest stuff.

The Call Centre Management Association (CCMA) has awarded the title of Canada's outstanding call manager for 1998 to John Carver of Bank of Montreal's MasterCard call centre./ Without pressing for details we assume this means he puts clients on hold for over an hour, playing the most obnoxious music whilst doing so, which gets interrupted every fifteen seconds telling you "your call is in priority sequence and very important to us" , only to finally connect you with an operator that assures if you'll hold she'll answer your question and then disconnects you; if all this wasn't true I'm sure Carver would have heard he won the award back in 1998.

Former Russian Prime Minister Sergei Stepashin will lead a pro-capitalist coalition that includes Viktor Chernomyrdin and Sergei Kiriyenko also former prime ministers against left-leaning Yevgeny Primakov another former prime minister and Boris Yelstin is apparently supporting present Prime Minister Vladimir Putin as his successor./ It seems the fears of Yelstin staying on past his promised resignation time are groundless as he's proving very democratic providing half the opposition himself.

August 24

Scientists exploring the useage of pigs as organ donors have faced criticism that cross-species transplants could unleash a dangerous animal virus in humans; However, British researchers have found encouraging evidence that pigs' organs are safe./ It's believed that the British researchers have been secretly doing this for years on bank presidents and certain politicians.

A Carson City, Nevada brothel that Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura patronized decades ago is naming a bedroom suite in his honor./ Some people thought Jesse was a new comer to politics but apparently he's been screwing people for a long time unless he's claiming he was just working on developing wrestling skills.

Leah Fitzpatrick had almost her dream wedding with Marc Doucet at Toronto's Zoo this weekend; while her dream meant being married while sitting on top of a camel zoo officials thought this to risky so Fitzpatrick settled for instead a post-ceremony cuddle from the camel./ The bride was overjoyed that at least it was a two hump camel.

French farmers dumped six tons of manure at a McDonald's restaurant ; protesting American sanctions on European Union goods./ A bewildered American spokesperson said "We're no sure what they're trying to tell us, as we know they love and think Jerry Lewis is funny."

Despite rumours to the contrary, the Australian government said it has no plans to remove the image of Queen Elizabeth 11 from their coins even if they become a republic in November./ It seems Australia has produced several infamous people however nobody famous enough to put on a coin; sorry Helen Reddy and Olivia Newton John.

A Japanese businessman who paid a record $131,000 for a giant stag beetle wishes to remain anonymous fearing thieves./ I understand he just has to look at fellow Japanese beetle collectors to know they can be hounded, Yoko Ono for instance.

It seems official Eaton's is going under./ The good news is expect one great sale.

An increasing amount of Canadians would rather be naked according to a new study commissioned by the Federation of Canadian Naturalists./ The problem being no product exists to take the wrinkles out of these people's birthday suits.

Ron Monsen an avid fisherman who was recently divorced tried to pawn his wedding ring and after being offered only $25. decided instead to convert it into a $300. fishing lure./ Some may think this as being creative but I wonder if the lure didn't work on its original target what makes Monsen think it will now.

Service Corporation International is the world's largest funeral business and its chief executive is long-time Bush family friend and supporter Robert Waltrip. Former Texan chief funeral regulator, Eliza May, who discovered Service Corporation in violation of proper procedures was fired from her job after refusing recommendations from Bush aides to end her investigations./ The fact that a Bush ran Savings and Loan failure didn't morally or otherwise bankrupt them; questions about drug useage didn't knock him dopey you have to wonder if "Funeralgate" will give Bush just grave concern or actually bury him.

August 25

Onex Corporation has made a bid to Air Canada and Canadian Airlines then merge them into one./ Onex president Gerald Schwartz conceded "Yes I realize NEVER BEFORE HASSO MUCH BEEN ATTEMPTED TO BE OWNED BY SO FEW at least in Canadian aviation history."

A Mississippi school board reversed its' decision on allowing a boy to wear a Star of David pendant around his neck, noting while sometimes worn by gangs it's also worn as a symbol of religious expression and that freedom supersedes other considerations./ All of this was easy for the boy to read at night as some thoughtful Mississippians left their favourite religious symbol with him; their burning crosses.

The German government is lagging behind in its' compensation of forced slave labour from their Nazi past as arguments exist on how much compensation and who was considered slave labour./ Just what these people wanted to hear Germany is coming up with a final solution.

ABC News poll found half the respondents don't feel Bush should answer drug questions, three of four believe his refusal won't affect their decision of him, nor if he confesses to useage of cocaine will their opinion change./ Bush when asked to comment, just snorted something in response.

Retired Lieutenant Colonel David Grossman talking to the 94th annual Canadian Association of Police Chiefs stated violent video games are like firearm training simulators teaching children to become mass murderers./ I hope this alleviates the fears of those that we wouldn't be able to defend ourselves in case of war.

Last week three teachers in the remote parts of British Columbia discovered an aboriginal person frozen in ice. Looking at it this week archeologists can only determine the body is between 250 and 10,000-years-old./ Coincidentally gentlemen that have dated a Gabor sister have encountered the same difficulty.

A study of survivors of the Oklahoma City bombing found nearly half developed post-traumatic stress disorder or other psychiatric illness./ Let's hope the study was correct, rather than believing the possibility McVeigh may have been contagious.

Film producers are expecting a revenue of $3billion during the 1999 holiday season./ Whoop-dee-doo ! That means they require an audience about 1/1,000th of what went to Gone With The Wind based upon today's admissions.

Eaton's has announced the lay-off of 13,000 of their staff./ Apparently they wish to go out with the reputation for customer service they've gained over the last few years.

Two police officers were presented with National Police Traffic Safety awards for their anti-drag-racing measures./ Transvestite groups are expected to protest this ceremony, stating "if drags wish to race it should be only their business."

August 26

The British Labour party sweeping reforms means doing away with hereditary peers The peers will be required to submit an essay which explains the merits as to why they should be kept on. Harrumping this, claiming farce and ludicrousness is Lord Mancroft who questions what do I put down? My inside leg measurement? My shoe size, number of brain cells?/ Perhaps it's thinking that inside leg measurement, or shoe size mattered, rather than number of brain cells that got the peers in this situation in the first place.

In the Manitoba election the provincial conservatives are offering university and college graduates a 25% break on their taxes for four years as long as they begin their careers in Manitoba./ Sounds totally fair; only those with less education would be willing to stay there and pay full taxes

Bargain hunters at Eaton's were disappointed about the lack of bargains./ Relax folks, despite what the first cut isn't always the deepest.

Sean Eliott who helped lead the San Antonio Spurs to their first championship, was released from Methodist Specialty and Transplant Hospital nine days after having a kidney transplant./ On-looking fans greeted the release with cheers of "Go, Sean, go."/ You'd think the fans would afford him the opportunity to use his new kidney in privacy.

Campbell Soups which has been in a slump is changing it's labeling./ While unsure this will in the long run increase sells the hope is the old inventory will be bought as souvenirs.

In the United States Cisco Systems is expected to buy two companies for $7.4billion American./ When asked to remark on Cisco's success Poncho Villa was not available for comment.

In Prince George, British Columbia, Judge Levis has ruled a RCMP's officer action of batonning and pepper-spraying a cyclist for not wearing a helmet and failing to stop at a stop sign was appropriate action./ Judge you're entitled to your judgments; I just think dropping you into a shark pool and calling it a family reunion may make you less accepting of excessive police response.

The original Tim Horton's in Hamilton was gutted to undergo renovations in the modern store's mould./ There's two words wish you don't wish to hear together Tim Horton's and mold.

Two academics have rated Mackenzie King our best Prime Minister as he kept the country together during World War 11 and introduced the first pieces of our social net; Brian Mulroney and Jean Chretien ranked eighth and ninth respectively./ I'm not sure about their rating system but that Mulroney and Chretien should be so close makes perfect sense as they have the same policies.

Canada's military secrets have spilled out onto the Internet compliments of a gaffe by the Department of National Defense./ The good news is any country wanting this information already had it via the press so security wasn't compromised.

August 27

In Orillia, Garden Brothers Circus elephants after performing for picnickers were rewarded with a skinny dip in Lake Couchiching where bowels relaxed and deposits were given; despite attempted "poop and scoop" measures Simcoe County District Health fearing the water may be contaminated closed the swimming area of Couchiching Beach Park./ Next time rather than depending on the pachyderm's trunks to protect them they may try Depends.

Shaw College a school specializing in business courses has declared bankruptcy./ I've reason to believe their alumni included the chairmen of Barricks, Canadian Air and Eaton family members.

Appearing at the Canadian National Exhibition at the Walk in the Country exhibit is Judy Shelley a sheep shearing champion displaying her skills./ With such talents we don't understand why Shelley hasn't found another career; stock market, politician, religion.

Scientists suggest a low-calorie diet should prolong your life./ Based upon this information estimates are model, Kate Moss should live to 400.

A recent poll has most Canadians suggesting Prime Minister Chretien should retire even though most Canadians like him./ Considering he has the same policies as Mulroney it's understandable why people wish him to retire but why do they like him?

Students can rejoice a year as Premier Mike Harris's promise to introduce a dress code isn't operational this year./ Apparently manufacturers were lacking a sufficient supply of brown shirts and black boots.

The federal New Democrats are meeting this weekend to discuss issues and possibly how to gain national power./ That's about as realistic as the Reform meeting to discuss the urban experience and having a social conscience.

Scientists are salivating at the idea of studying the body of the ice-man discovered in British Columbia; one of the thing researchers hope to find is cause of death./ I'm no scientist, clue=iceman? he froze to death!

American sculptor, Dale Chihuly is shipping 62 tons of Alaskan ice to Israel to build a four-metre-high wall at the Tower of David museum. Chihuly acknowledges the ice will melt suggesting the melting symbolizes the melting of tensions in the Middle East./ Perhaps Chihuly since you're into symbolism wouldn't it be better sculpting a frozen rectal glove thereby dislodging the Middle East problems.

Open Ice a summit discussing the why and whereof hockey in Canada is ready to report its findings./ The obvious one being Don Cherry is highly annoying.

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