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The Archives - Regurevitchitated

September Musings

August 31

The number of Catholic nuns or religious sisters in the world is 828,660./ I guess some guys can look at that number and take consolation they can't get dates.

Mike Tyson is pursuing a "life long dream" and setting up his own record label, Tyson Records/ This label will be only for those with an ear for music.

It is the anniversary of Princess Diana's death./ While I can remember where I was when I heard I can't remember what I was wearing.

The British Labour Party is 4.5million pounds in debt. Tom Sawyer is their outgoing general secretary and figures they will eliminate their debt quickly./ Perhaps he'll charge people to help him paint Aunt Polly's white picket fence or he will hatch a plan with Huck Finn.

In Britain they have launched the "Government's National Year of Reading" a secondary initiative called 'Dads and Lads' was only started because they found boys put off reading because they don't find it macho./ I heard all of this someplace.

Spanish office worker Mariano Bejar spat an olive pit 69ft beating the previous record by 19ft./ Thank goodness Spain is not in the upcoming Commonwealth Games.

Sister Nirmala spokesman for the Missionaries of Charity since the death of Mother Teresa said "God loves the poor very, very much. In touching the poor we are touching God./ It explains why God made so many poor; he loves us. As to why I'm not being touched more I figure most would be afraid to touch God.

Straight Edge is the name of a new youth group in the States. It is dedicated to a nonsexual, drug free and antismoking lifestyle and have been known to beat the tar out of those who don't follow their ways./ Maybe, just maybe, if they could beat the tar and nicotine out of their victims they might be seen as doing some good.

Following the lead of Sweden, Germany and Austria British sperm-donor children will get the right to trace their fathers./ Is there any one who thinks that all of the fathers won't be considered as "jerk-offs" Oh well, maybe children made in glass beakers will know not to cast stones.

Monica Lewinsky was offered $2 million for a book on her relationship with Bill Clinton./ She seems to know about oral sex the question is does she know about written?

September 1

Top Republicans in the States are awaiting the Kenneth Starr report and are recommending "Sit 'til probe over" ./ I would imagine that as being quite painful.

In memory of Princess Diana 20 of her dresses are on tour./ I imagine for those around in the year 3000 these may seem the equal of the Shroud of Turin.

Progress is moving very slowly between Air Canada management and pilots in efforts to avoid a strike./ You always have to wonder what keeps these negotiations "up in the air".

A woman wearing yellow spandex plunged to her death from 20 floors. Police have called the death "suspicious" but suicide was not ruled out./ Not to be anyway disrespectful but I have seen other women in yellow spandex and maybe like them this one thought she was a canary and could fly.

75% of the Japanese found the use of a cell phone in public place annoying./ I'm not sure if they found this out by phone survey.

The lead singer of a band called "Snot" pled not guilty to charges of exposing himself, and open and gross lewdness. The singer claims the sex was simulated./ Simulated, stimulated such a fine line a matter of your cup of tea.

In women's soccer the Canadian ladies have won their first two games of competition; the first 21-0, the second 14-0./ It may seem unnerving to some men that our women really know how to kick balls in.

Jeff MacDougall was fined $75. For speeding in Stanley Park; out in Vancouver. He was doing 22km/hr. in a 15km/hr zone while wearing inline skates./ Don't their police realize the danger of high speed chases?

The Toronto Maple Leafs and the Florida Panthers continue to talk trade; primarily Rob Niedermayer for Felix Potvin. Holding up the trade is Florida's reluctance to insure the Leafs to the Leafs satisfaction that Niedermayer has no brain damage./ Apparently the fact Niedermayer is not refusing the trade indicates to the Leafs maybe something indeed is wrong with his mind.

A weather balloon 25-stories high has had American, Canadian and British fighter pilots attempting to shoot it down; as it is aviation hazzard. All efforts so far have failed./ We spend so much on the military; why?

September 2

In Hong Kong the government shifted gears from going heavily into the market to heavily out./ When I was a lad "in and out" was a polite way to say screwed and it seems to me that has not changed if you look at the markets.

In a new study of facial attractiveness, researchers from Scotland and Japan have found that, much to their astonishment people of both sexes prefer feminine-looking men over rugged manly -miened men./ Funny thing is I just was talking to my Avon representative about this.

September 1, 1905 is the date Alberta and Saskatchewan became provinces./ No, no if they had not done so the distance to Vancouver would not be halved.

Mark McGwire chasing that 61-homer mark, has turned down all kinds of product endorsements he hadn't had previously. He already admits to the useage of the drug androstenedione. What other drug could he be on when they are so willing to "Show him the money" and he isn't taking it.

Finland leads the world in the use of mobile phones; Canada fails to crack the top ten./ They finish better than us in Olympic Hockey now this (and we're the ones where the phone was invented.)

A random survey found 83% of Canadians believed bank mergers should only be allowed to happen if they clearly benefit the customer./ Let's see Bigger, Less Competition = Corporate Benevolence.

Quebec Deputy Premier Bernard Landry, said "ethnic voters should not be able to torpedo a referendum for separatists./ Maybe things would be a lot simpler if he said "only if you are going to vote yes to separation may you vote."

Boris Yelstin and Bill Clinton exchanged bear hugs./ Kenneth Starr immediately subpoenaed Yelstin. Meanwhile it is believed the Presidents talked about more important matters like who could hold on to office longer; or if they should go after that Grecian Formula 44 contract as a team.

Running a red light will now cost you $185./ According to Terri-Jean Bedford (dominatrix madame) stopping for her services cost minimum $200. Hmn, stop for the red light or go.

Air Canada pilots are on strike./ Okay you'll see it and hear it elsewhere but this means Air Canada grounded.

September 3

Twelve Safeway workers in the U.S. filed grievance over the supermarkets' smile and make eye contact rule, complaining customers mistake the friendliness for flirting./ Thank God for Canada where our companies believe in surliness.

Jerry Rice is a receiver in the NFL; the news story is "Rice signed a six-year, $36million contract (all figures U.S.)…"/ This doesn't bother me as a fan of the C.F.L. to know one very injured player is getting more in the U.S. than we can afford to pay a whole division up here; but what is a U.S. year?

Rosie Nelson has been declared dead twice by social security./ If I were her I'd be looking over my shoulder; those guys don't like to be wrong too many times.

The Canadian tobacco industry has launched a high-powered public campaign to derail BC's tough new antismoking laws./ Presumably the campaign will be all smoke and mirrors.

The Air Canada strike continues./ Much good news on many fronts; no lost luggage, safety increases, and with teachers going on strike no need for students to be hurrying back.

A freak snow storm hit Parry Sound today./ Does that mean somewhere a provincial P.C. acknowledged maybe there are not jobs for everyone and just maybe some people can't get off welfare.

Wrigley's has developed a gum that will be totally nonsticking./ While this is terrific that it won't stick to footwear; it also means it won't stick to your bedpost overnight.

In San Luis Potosi, Mexico chips sold outside a downtown school came with a white packet that rather than containing salt was instead cocaine./ They did have a catchy slogan "Bet you can't eat just one."

Bill Clinton has left Russia and gone to Ireland./ Is this suppose to be a farewell tour?

More than 150 cannabis experts from around the world gathered in London England for the first international Cannabis Congress to discuss how legislation of soft drugs might work in practice./ I am not sure what constitutes a cannabis expert but I understand you could not get any junk food within a ten block radius of their meeting.

September 4

Governor Christine Todd Whitman suggested the presence of part or full time police officers in schools; predicting their presence would reduce drug-use, gun related crimes and gang activity in school./ Where will these students be without their extra cirricular activities?

The Supreme Court of Canada ruled yesterday, failure to tell your sex partner you have the AIDS virus amounts to fraud. The judgment was condemned by AIDS activists who complained the court is hindering the fight against AIDS by making it a criminal offense not to divulge HIV results to sex partners./ Hello activists preventing someone from getting AIDS is even better than curing it and perhaps gives you another person to work on the cure.

The Toronto police union wants the province to investigate Councilor Judy Sgro for violating the code of conduct for police board members./ Apparently board members are to be like the public say "Yes Officer" and march back to their car.

The Toronto District Catholic Board of teachers voted to go back to work on Tuesday; teaching six classes and resting on the seventh./ Thankfully for their students prayer is still allowed in school.

British pop star George Michael canceled a world tour set for next year because of stress. He recently owned up to being gay and not having sex with a woman for ten years./ George-being gay means not having sex with woman and being tense is not having sex for ten years.

Mark Davies an Australian swimming coach tries to motivate his swim team of 7-20years olds by telling them to imagine they are being chased by a (10-foot) crocodile. Inspired by his own idea he was going to put a drugged crocodile into the pool and wire it's mouth shut. City council stopped him./ I believe before he became a swimming coach Mr. Davies was responsible for track and field till he lost three of his runners to cheetahs.

Venus Williams won her tennis game quite easily yesterday thereby advancing to the third round./ I look at her and Michael Jackson and know little Jehovah Witness children must have some questions for their parents.

In Malaysia their prime minister fired his deputy minister who also served as his finance minister; he also froze exchange rates in an effort to stop a currency slide./ I have a suggestion in Malaysia (as in Singapore) it is a $10,000 fine to spit; have your air line and restaurants serve really bad food and then impose your fines.

On the second day of the school year in Hajduhadhaz Hungary a female teacher ran amok and stabbed five pupils./ Kids let your teacher know you care bring an apple from day one.

China's use of the death penalty declined to 3,000, more than the rest of the world combined./ Gee the strains it puts on Texas to compete.

September 7

The city of Helsinki is going on strike; refusing to pick up litter in its' parks and it's doing nothing about graffiti./ I imagine this is like a world of mothers saying "I'm tired of picking up after you."

Ontario Social Services Minister Janet Ecker claims "Dole plan working". I know the Ontario P.C.'s and the U.S. Republicans are tight but to name your welfare reforms after a failed presidential candidate seems a bit much to me.

In the U.S. one of Bill Clinton's main bashers Dan Burton admits to fathering a son in the 1980's. He said since the reports of this he has decided to go public (better late; than late?), take the full criticism and deflect attention from the woman, their teen-age son and her family members./ Gee besides apologizing and confessing can one do anything else besides in reference to a peccadillo?

Two boys 7 and 8 years old who had confessed; were ruled out as the crime laboratory found semen on the 11year old victim's dress./ This semen, Clinton's semen, all this semen yet there is such a shortage of seamen for the navy.

In what is his third attempt since August 17th to clarify matters Bill Clinton said "I've already said that I made a bad mistake, it was indefensible and I'm sorry about it." It is the first time Clinton has used the word "sorry"./ I am sure if they press maybe he'll say "I'm very, very very sorry with a cherry on top."

Armed bandits robbed massage parlors in Toronto, Brampton and Mississauga./ Police maybe should be looking for customers rubbed the wrong way.

Let me own up I'm not a baseball fan but wouldn't it be nice if Mark Mcgwire and Sammy Sosa both said "Okay 61 we've tied the record that's enough." I don't know a record that for 37 years that doesn't get a man into that sports Hall of Fame, and for .these homers to be obvious homers, to me it would be exciting maybe if he made it home from a single. Thanks I just wanted to get that off my chest.

Prime Minister Kjell Magne Bondevik of Norway had to take a leave off work suffering from overwork and depression./ I am willing to bet our Prime Ministers come immunized.

Today is Labour Day and I think the Russians should be thanked./ It took them over 70 years to prove communism does not work and less than 10 years to prove it of capitalism.

The C.N.E. closes today; it is billed as Canada's largest agricultural fair./ For those of you missing horse manure, parlaiment opens soon.

September 8

The R.C.M.P. are $13million dollars in the red./ No word from Disney how they will deal with this.

In the Mideast a Palestinian's said the gaps between the two sides "still remains wide" while an Israeli spokesperson said a deal was "very close" / If they can't agree how much they disagree how will they ever agree?

In Sydney Australia they have found that tap water is unsafe to drink./ As most of the population usually is consuming Foster's or one of it's competitors it is difficult to ascertain how long they have had this problem.

West Edmonton Mall owners are countersuing the ATB (Alberta Treasury Branches) for denigrating remarks such as stating it was stuck in the 1980's./ I don't why the squabble perhaps the ATB feels if the Canadian Navy now have can have as many subs as the mall it's time for the mall to move on.

Mark McGwire tied the home run record last night and fan Mike Davidson snared the ball McGwire hit. The fan promised to turn the ball over to McGwire. In a move that makes Revenue Canada look benevolent the American IRS admitted the ball maybe worth $1million and if such is the case $350,000. May be owed in gift taxes by Mike Davidson for returning the ball./ I think if the IRS is this greedy (a) the American economy is really in bad shape and (b) Davidson should change his name to McVeigh.

Over the past year Irani soccer fans have vandalized over 1400 buses./ I didn't realize they were so competitive with the British.

The University of Georgia is offering students a course titled Food Science 2020: the Art, Science and History of Beer./ At last a course that prepares you for modern technology.

On this day in 1760 Pierre de Rigaud deVaudervil, last governor of New France, surrenders the colony to the British after assurances the laws, property and religion of French-Canadians would be protected./ The British always masters of the understatement.

After years of complaining about declining respect and waning power, Canada's doctors have fashioned a charter of rights for themselves that would guarantee their continued dominance in the health-care system./ The first part of the charter states they should be treated as Gods with the power of life and death.

The boy Scouts of Canada have officially decided to let girls join them./ It is expected that there will be a new condom badge awarded for the scout who best lives up to their motto "be prepared".

September 9

1998 is not over, but Jerry Seinfeld is considered the big buck winner in the entertainment industry with an income of $225 million; meanwhile the entertainment industry is not the highest paid./ The good news for us is we can still adopt, feed, clothe, house, educate and provide good drinking to little foster child Miguel and his village of 1.2 million all on $29. A month.

Southern Ontario's mild winter, early spring and summer drought has created good news-bad news for wine growers. The good news is the quality of the grapes will be high as hot days boost the sugar content. The bad news is that the grape will have less water content reducing volume./ I don't know how to manufacture sunny days but watering your crops may take the place of rain; please feel free to pass this info on to Agriculture Canada.

Mark Mcgwire hit home run#62./ In other words barring a major upset at best Sammy Sosa became an asterisk whereas Steve Trachsel the pitcher that delivered the ball became an answer in trivia pursuit.

The Toronto International Film Festival opened today. Every year it is bigger and better but still no Edy Williams in the nude.

The time people spent listening to the radio went down last year./ Does this mean people spent less time "put on hold"?

Atrial fibrillation, is a condition that causes the heart to beat irregularly and increases the risk of early death./ Not to worry you won't see Fabio and myself in a room at the same time.

H.J. Heinz Co. announced yesterday it will sell it's Mississauga-based bakery operation to the Pillsbury Co. for $271million./ Sounds like a lot of dough boy.

Indonesian authorities asked the R.C.M.P. what would happen if body guards accompanying former president Suharto shot his anti-demonstrators; to which the R.C.M.P. replied it "it would not be tolerated" unless done by its own politicians or police.

Both sides see progress in Air Canada talks. I think that is called one side losing $13million a day and the other side having no strike fund.

The Quebec government has accused the federal government of jeopardizing Quebec's status within the organization of French speaking countries./ Allo M. Bouchard you have not separated yet; yours is a province not a country.

September 10

Mr. Clean turned 40 this year. Procter and Gamble spokesman stated "we always have tried to keep Mr. Clean contemporary."/ In addition to the bald head and gold hoop earrings expect this year to see Mr. Clean with a tongue piercing.

Bill Clinton pled for forgiveness today from his own party./ He also went on to say rather than being called Mr. President he would be very happy with being referred to as "an unimpeachable source."

Canada declared war on Nazi Germany 59 years ago today./ Our military still counts on the fine weapons we had then to protect us now.

To celebrate it's 125th anniversary the city of Burlington unveiled a huge street clock./ It's the first step on the way to a beautification process; anyone ugly enough to stop the face of the clock will be driven from town.

Rocker Tommy Lee was sprung from prison because he had good behavior while serving less than 4 months of his 6 month sentence for spousal abuse./ I guess the good behavior was because he couldn't find a wife to abuse.

Fertility researchers say they have come up with a way to sort sperm so a couple could determine the sex of their baby./ I'm not sure parents care about their child's' gender but I think most fathers would be happy if there was a way to stop their daughters from growing breasts before they're 18 or in some cases 35.

Nobel peace prize nominees include U.S. president Bill Clinton./ Does anyone know more about a piece?

Sportscaster Marv Albert and his fiancee Heather Faulkiner were to wed yesterday./ /Thanks to sensitivity training Marv knows better than to ask her on bad days "What's biting your ass."

Statistically crime does pay in Canada. When the per- centages of reporting, conviction and sentencing is all figured out it seems it seems worthwhile to steal in this country./ It will be interesting to watch the impact on the educational system when kids find out they don't need to be lawyers and politicians to do well at stealing.

TWIT (Toronto Women's Investment Team) has increased their membership./ I'm not surprised there always seems to be an increase in twits

September 11

Bill Clinton continued his apology tour; apologizing to Democratic senators yesterday./ I think if he was smart he would take the offense admit power was a natural aphrodisiac and he just didn't wish to bend the laws of nature.

The Canadian Open (a golf tournament) started today./ Do you know a better way to say " cure for insomnia?"

The Commonwealth Games start today./ James Christie writes "Once they were a symbol of heritage and solidarity…now they are a fossil of the old British empire and their relevance reduced to that of a garden party."/ Relax Mr. Christie after all they are called games.

Former B.C. premier Bill Vander Zalm spoke against the Nisga treaty. He alleges the native negotiators have outwitted the provincial and federal governments and will leave the B.C. economy in ruins./ I have news for you Mr. Vander Zalm the provincial and federal governments don't need this treaty to bring the B.C economy to ruins.

Preston Manning said for his caucus "I will be watching who can keep their eye on the ball."/ It may seem there's a future in Canadian politics for Monica Lewinsky

In Quebec you can not have your driver license changed to indicate an upcoming change of sex; you have to wait until the final procedure./ In other words no change of address until you are ready to change into a dress.

Air Canada and it's pilots look like they have an agreement./ As details were not revealed one can only conjecture; that Air Canada agreed to letting the pilots full use of their cockpit and that they no longer had to pull up to the self service pumps.

Despite a supposedly improved economy usage of food banks is up./ I don't believe there would be too much of an uproar if the food bank and one of the big five merged.

In Ontario various Catholic and Public schools either are experiencing lock outs or strikes./ The Jewish schools are having none of this difficulty hmn… maybe that is why that they seem smarter.

The fight between the Toronto police union and police board member Judy Sgro is heating up./ We can only hope for Ms. Sgro the heat is not Cajun style.

September 14

Rupert Murdoch owner of News Corporation which has as one of it assets the Fox TV network killed a nonflattering television drama on Justice Clarence Thomas. In February Murdoch stopped the publication of a book critical of the Chinese government by former Governor Chris Patten using another of his holdings./ I am willing to bet when Murdoch is on his death bed his final word will be "Rosebud"

The arguments are getting clearer in the antitrust case between Microsoft and the U.S. federal government./ If you are anything like me you always cheer for the David in these David versus Goliath confrontations; "Go U.S. government."

Sammy Sosa caught up to Mark McGwire this weekend having hit home run #62./ This is the first thing Dominicans have had to cheer about since waking up and finding out the were not Haitians.

Paul Tellier, president chief executive officer of the C.N.R. stated "passenger rail service in Canada is a nuisance that cannot be justified on economic grounds./ Nice to Know labour has someone to take their cues from.

The estimates are about 40,000 bank jobs will be lost if the bank mergers go ahead./ If this is just about saving money wouldn't it be cheaper to say "adios" to just the banks' chairmen?

George Wallace died this weekend./ Amazingly it took his taking off the hood and putting down the burning cross; to achieve it, but when he did George got to see the light

Bill Clinton is getting very critical of the cost of the Starr report./ I figure when the publishing rights and movie options are figured in it might actually be a good deal.

Fabio Duchesne was sentenced to 100 hours of community work for the crime of bigamy./ Is this not just giving him new opportunities?

The Air Canada strike is over./ Yes you'll still be able to get the food the strike detained getting served, have pro's lose your luggage, and deal with snippy flight attendants that don't realize that actually all that they are is glorified waitresses.

Kids, 12, get okay to hunt in Ontario./ I think it's terrific for the rural kids to have 7 years of hunting soberly before they can drink. Maybe to make the city kids feel good driver licenses should also be allowed at 12.

September 15

Bill Clinton suggested Ken Star is guilty of smear tactics./ Actually it's more of a stain campaign.

Shania Twain won six trophies at the Country Music Awards./ In other words east is east and west is west and it's the west the Twain shall take.

Mayor Mel Lastman toured the new Air Canada Centre and left impressed./ Possibly he was impressed by the fact it requires less plaster than his wife-Marilyn.

Banks deny that there would be 40,000 lay offs. They claim the staff number would decrease because of retirements and people quitting./ The reason I suspect people will be quitting is their 35 hours gets reduced to twelve per week.

Education Minister Dave Johnson is getting upset with teachers because of their strikes and lockouts./ Hmn how are the teachers responsible for lockouts?

Leaf fans in the Toronto area got reason to be happy as 80 of their 82 games will be televised through local media./ This means the Leaf fans will see more of their games than Mathieu Schneider.

Steve Gainey, the son of Dallas general manager Bob Gainey, has signed a three-year contract with the Dallas Stars./ This presumably could make them unbeatable; they have the father, the son and all they are lacking is the Holy Ghost.

The entire Progressive Conservative caucus will flock to Sudbury for three days to prepare for the fall session of the Legislature./ I know many southern Ontarions who will be pleased to hear the PCs have flocked off.

The Toronto Star had a correction in its paper today saying George Wallace had got shot in 1972 not 1968. The Star said it deeply regretted the error./ What does that mean ; they wish he had been shot in 1968?

The lure of Las Vegas comes to the Holy Land with the opening of the $75million Oasis Casino tomorrow in Jericho./ I guess it's Arafat's gamble in trying to bring Monte Carlo to Mohammed rather than Mohammed going to Monte Carlo. Yasser, I strongly recommend no bands with a horn section.

September 16

Last night the concert pianist David Buechner performed his first concert as Sara Davis Buechner, making him possibly one of the first concert pianists to undergo a mid-career sex change./ It is believed he? she? Has still an ear for the piano, but as to the organ no one knows.

Bad news for the Montreal Alouettes as three of their players were in a bar room brawl./ The worse news is that they weren't recognized, the worser news no one knew what an Alouette is and the absolute worst news was nobody there knew what the C.F.L. is.

Toronto Councillor Mike Tzekas is not so sure whether in the heat of moment that he did call fellow councillor Sherene Shaw a "fat slut" and a "bitch". Tzekas while not apologizing for his for his remarks says "if Shaw heard these remarks it's regrettable./ Apparently he meant to say "fat bitch" and "slut ".

Muralitharan Nadarajah, the suspected head of the Swiss-based Tamil Tigers was arrested by Toronto police yesterday. "We still don't know why he is in this country" a police source said./ Maybe he's trying to figure out how to put more perforations in a Tetly tea bag.

The federal task force on banking doesn't give bank mergers the green light or a red. They give a flashing yellow./ Nice to know McKenzie King still is an inspiration.

Cassandra Peterson, better known as Elvira is 47 tomorrow. Gee at the most I thought she was 38 DD.

Fellow Tories are putting mounting pressure on Ontario Education Minister Dave Johnson to order teachers back to work./ No need I'm sure to explain the euphemism "mounting" or why that might be painful to the minister.

According to the O.P.P. road rage is on the increase./ Nice to see Ontario can keep up with current trends.

Nine Iranian army divisions were heading to the Afghanistan border for manoeuvres./ Sounds just like "the Shiite is ready to hit the Afghan."

The Russian rubel is in trouble and the Canadian dollar is facing a lot of fluctuations but you have to wonder who's economy is worse when Pavel Bure of the Vancouver Canucks will forgo $8million rather than stay in Vancouver.

September 17

Bill Clinton declared it was the "right thing" for him to remain in office./ This way if wife Hillary ever gives him a rant he can say "lay off I'm the president and still can give you a presidential pardon if the truth ever comes out on White water."

In the States the Venator Group which owns Foot quarters and Kinney Shoes announced it will be closing 570 stores./ Seems they have too many loafers.

In Indonesia former President Suharto denied allegations that he had money in overseas accounts./ Apparently he is telling the truth; all his money is in $100,000 U.S. Treasury Bonds sewed into the lining of his fez.

In Guatemala City they will be exhuming the body of Roman Catholic Bishop Juan Jose Geradi whose head had been smashed in with a cement block because the forensic experts say the autopsy show dog bite marks./ Indeed it sounds like a case for Deputy Dog.

The Basque separatist group ETA announced an indefinite and total truce./ No word from the ETA when they will depart from this position.

Typhoon Stella hit Japan causing major damage./ A typhoon is defined as a major violent wind. Hmn not much different than a tycoon and hard to figure out which is more damaging.

In Washington DC Anthony A. Williams appears headed for the title of mayor; as former Mayor Marion S. Barry Jr. Will not be running. I'm very curious where will and how will the former mayor now afford drugs and prostitutes?

In Minnesota Hubert H. Humphrey 3d is running for the position of governor; he vows "government should flex its muscle for ordinary working people." Opposing him and running for the Reform Party is former wrestler Jessie "The Body" Ventura./ You know party differences are blurring after all wouldn't it seem more likely to be Ventura who should be talking about flexing muscle?

There are four declared lesbians running for seats in the American House of Representatives./ No man is given a chance of licking them.

German Chancellor Helmet Kohl dismissed polls saying that he won't win reelection./ I know the Chancellor is a strong man and no matter what; he is always ready for the "wurst".

September 18

Nike profits were down 35%./ It's expected "Just do It" will be transposed to "It's just do do."

Tanjah Karvonen is an animal rights activist who played Lady Godiva during a protest yesterday and was knocked off her horse by a man holding a bible./ A man, I would guess not too clear on the concept of "bible thumping."

The Ontario Government is going to set up a public registry for sex offenders./ I think that's terrific; you usually can't find a pervert when you need one.

Premiers Harris and Tobin are fighting about where INCO should locate its smeltering operations./ If I had a nickel…..

There is conflicting studies in regards to driving skills and sexual performance. One study indicates there is a correlation between bad drivers and bad lovers; the other research hasn't found these intertwine./ Either way I hate the idea of being rear ended.

Nestle's is wishing to sell to off their Laura Secord operation./ It should prove to be a sweet deal for someone.

Bobby Hull who has been accused of stating anti-Semitic and denigrating remarks about blacks has asked to be judged by his peers./ Guilty? Not Guilty? Excusing Wayne Gretzky's records and Gordie Howe's longevity Mr. Hall you are without peer.

Henry Hyde who is the House judiciary chairman in the American senate has admitted to an adulterous affair but claims it is irrelevant./ I guess the message to Bill Clinton is it's okay as long you are not caught too soon.

Durham Parents for Stable Education are so upset with teacher's lockouts and strikes that parent David Jones has declared "We're going to open the schools if it takes a crowbar."/ Perhaps they are prying just too much.

Japan's governing party and opposition have come up with a solution to their ailing economy around; thereby ending weeks of deadlock./ There must have been lots of relief as I'm not sure but I think deadlock is their way to say "Hari Kari."

September 21

The Clinton showed aired today as the TV networks showed the U.S. president's grand jury testimony./ I would have got more out of it if it had been illustrated for those of us who are sexually impaired.

In Saturday's Sun September 19, the Toronto Argo's ran an ad for how fans could get discounts on their tickets by calling a number by September 18./ I think I might have found the solution to some of their attendance problems.

Gerhard Schroder the German Social Democrat who is running against Helmet Kohl has denounced the later's proposal for a Holocaust Memorial in Berlin. Schroder wants to instead rebuild Kaiser Wilhelm's palace thus giving German's self-assurance./ Why does German self-assurance make the rest of us nervous?

The Toronto Transit Commission (TTC) which is already the most expensive transit in North America is raising it's fare citing the following reasons: the cost of running low floor buses more expensive, parts that are required to be imported are more expensive with the dollar devaluation, wages expected to rise/ and the most important reason "in our little village of Ana Tek Va; Tradition. Tradition.

Obstetricians in Alberta are looking for a fee increase for delivering babies./ In other words expect the cost of "womb" service to increase there.

Hugh Segal attacked fellow candidate Joe Clark in the Progressive Conservative leadership race; accusing Clark of "policy lite". Mr. Clark's approach- "We want to have a series of meetings so we can plan some more meetings and allow us to have meetings after those meetings to evaluate the effectiveness of those meetings./Mr. Segal how dare you attack what keeps this confederation together?

Monica Lewinsky has agreed to make a catwalk appearance at a fashion show this October wearing a blue dress./ No word from the promo0ter whether the dress comes with stain or not.

Plans are underway to have an university in the Arctic./ I wouldn't think it healthy for those students who think they can pull all nighters to attend..

Parliament began its fall sitting today. The government has a big budget surplus and the opposition is expected to come up with many ways for it to be spent./ I warn you guys don't get excited we are talking Canadian dollars.

Last night was the start of the Jewish New Year./ Every year I go through this I have to think "Oh yeah new year it's now 5759 so stop putting down 5758 on your cheques.

September 22

It has been revealed Prime Minister Chretien assured Suharto he wouldn't be embarrassed by demonstrators./ Who among the demonstrators even knew this guy could be embarrassed?

After touring the Pickering nuclear plant 30 of the visitors showed a trace of radiation./ The good news is these people should save a fortune on x-rays.

The Nevada commission on boxing has ordered Mike Tyson to get a psychiatric assessment before they allow him back into the ring./ I believe a recent CAT SCAN showed nothing.

Bill Gates is the largest shareholder of a company called Icos Corporation. The company is coming up with a pill to compete with Viagra but with less side effects./ Bill Gates a man concerned with your floppy.

A study in Britain has suggested the use of mobile phones may alter memory and interfere with concentration and spatial awareness./ In other words If you used them less you could use them less as they wouldn't make you call all the time for reminders.

Clinton's testimony to the grand jury was aired world wide to huge audiences everywhere./ The question becomes does Clinton get an Emmy for best actor in a soap or docu-drama?

It is Tommy Lasorda's birthday today. It is believed Abner Doubleday consulted with him for what should be the rules of baseball.

Strippers are seeking an independent government liaison to handle their complaints./ The ideal candidate won't titter about their problems, will be prepared to go tit for tat against cocky management types and keep abreast of the current body of acts addressing these ladies.

$50,000 in Flintstones vitamins and other over the counter drugs were stolen./ I would guess the perqs as young and peppy and looking for a yaba yaba do time.

The number of Chinese practising martial arts is 20million./ These people can stay inscrutable as long as they like.

September 23

John D. Rockefeller, Andrew Carnegie, Cornelius Vanderbilt, John Jacob Astor are all considered historically monetarily more dominant of their economy then Bill Gates is of this one./ Just what need to do; challange the man.

While in Paris Ontario yesterday Premier Mike Harris announced a job plan to keep rural kids down on the farm./ He further announced "See we're not homophobic we're down in Gay Paree."

Troy Hurtubise has developed a suit that will withstand bear attacks, firearms, flames or even a mob armed with bats and knives./ Premier Harris is expected to be modeling it soon.

At any given time around the world there are 30,000 computer experts working at an average of $120. an hour to solve the problem(s) caused when we hit the year 2000./ Do you think if we were only paying $6.85 an hour the solution would have been found a long time ago?

The Duchess of York, Jenny Craig spokeswoman, Sarah Ferguson arrived in Buenos Aires for the funeral of her mother./ Ms. Ferguson known for her breeching of protocol and sense of humour launched a new career singing "Don't cry for me Argentina"

Canada finished third at the Commonwealth Games winning about half the amount of medals first place finisher Australia./ Wouldn't it be nice by the time of the next games Australia became a republic with no recognition of the Queen and the Commonwealth?

A 160kilo woman sat on her husband's head thereby suffocating him./ Relax you fans of Gerald Ranney it had nothing to do with him and wife Delta Burke.

At Kellogg's the president of their North American operation has resigned; the week prior the president of Kellogg Europe also resigned. No word from either men on the why's of their resignations./ Perhaps they feared the prospect of a "cereal killer."

In business news Tupperware shares fell by 20%. I'd consider that a rather major burp.

Michael "Pinball" Clemens has had published his story "All Heart"./ A verrry short story but hard to put down.

September 24

Evander Holyfield who is married for the second time has just had his first baby with this lady. He also admits to fathering two other children out of wedlock this year with previous girl friends./ I don't know Evander do you prefer knocking guys down or knocking gals up?

Two pit bulls killed a women on her way to her neighbours to borrow a cigarette./ No kidding "smoking can be dangerous to your health."

A five year old boy brought a 9-mm pistol to school only to have it accidentally discharge on its own. Thankfully no one was hurt, however; because of state and federal laws the boy will be expelled for 186 days./ Expelled while so young; how will he ever compete in the world of power naps and lego?

Mayor Mel Lastman of Toronto is promising the 2008 Olympic games to Toronto at no cost./ Of course there will be some subtle changes, musical chairs will be added as an event, other changes include dining room table tosses and couch hurdling all these and more at a cost to nooo body.

The French not only are soccer champions but also scored another first. They have sex with the highest frequency at a 141 times a year./ It just seems the French love playing with their balls.

Britain and Iran have agreed to upgrade relations since Tehran has formally dissociated itself with the death edict against Salman Rushdie. However a $2.5million bounty on Rushdie is being offered by a nongovernmental Irani group./ Always nice to see private enterprise step in where government accedes responsibility.

Toronto Coucillor Mike Tzekas has asked for another day to consider a letter of apology to 2 of his fellow councillors that he allegedly swore at, used foul language at and had threatened. Apparently Mr. Tzekas wants to check level of sincerity so he is reviewing Clinton tapes.

In an effort to avoid cancellation of their season, owners and players are talking in the N.,B.A../ The bad news is it not to each other.

In two separate trials it looks like the accused will walk as their accusers fail to provide sufficient details of the accused appearance. In Jonesboro a teacher was accused of swapping sex for an A grade and walked after showing the jury a surgical scar on her breasts the student failed to identify. In Toronto a cop may walk as a hooker failed to identify his penis as banana shaped./ Look; kissing with your eyes closed may be romantic but never stick anything in your mouth without looking at it.

Nelson "A hero for the world" Mandela was the first foreign leader to receive Canada's highest civilian honour (Companion of the Order of Canada) The bad news is we've also given this award to Celine Dion; the good news is we've taken it away from Alan Eagleson.

September 25

Nelson Mandela spoke to 51,000 cheering students at Sky Dome Toronto today and was followed to the dais by a well booed Premier Mike Harris./ Who says our kids are not educated; they knew to boo Harris and cheer Mandela.

Toronto experienced the after effect of an earthquake today./ Of course Torontoians being Torontoians thought they made the earth move rather than the earth moving them.

McDonald's will be launching the burger box you can eat; they also plan to extend this to their cups, plates, bowls and trays. The material they will be using are natural and biodegradable including the potato, limestone corn and other starch binders, natural fibres and water./ Well McDonalds whoopee! I already preferred the taste of your old boxes to the food.

Nelson Manuela passed on supper arrangements this evening claiming fatigue and poor health./ I happen to know Mandela likes his food spicy and feared the consequences of going and than asking for the pepper.

In Britain their national health service has agreed to give gays Vagara./ Otherwise what; there couldn't have been fear of a stiff opposition could there?

A play about Edward 111 has been declared a Shakespeare lost work./ Alas by what light doth this Shakespearean work appear for if it to be or not to be a Shakespeare piece should it not smell just the same and I have not come to praise it but utter out damn spot.

Jeffrey Archer plans to sell off his collection of Warhol prints for $25m British Pounds./ It seems the next bit of writing the author wishes to be doing is cheques.

In a rare admission French Prime Minister Lionel Jospin conceded we need a world language and it looks like English is it./ C'est la vive and merci M. Jospin but now please can someone inform M. Bouchard.

The German election is getting to close to call./ At over 6ft. tall and over 300 lbs. Kohl is expected to spend the last weekend telling the people it takes a big man to do the job.

Comedy is making a great comeback in Russia . It seems cynicism and the current economic crisis was the formula required to breed it. An example of the latest; Yelstin addresses the nation: "For years we have stood on the threshold of the abyss. Now fellow countrymen, we have taken a great step forward."

September 28

Frenchman Benoit Lecomte took 72 days but swam across the Atlantic. He would swim 6-8 hours a day resting the rest of the time on a 12-metre yacht./ Of course because he's French it is believed he had an affair with 24 mermaids.

Protesters took to Parlaiment Hill complaining about gun registry they claim "this is how Hitler got started first they took the guns then the bully boys moved in."/ I know I refuse to take a train that runs on time or use a house painter because I know Hitler started off this way.

Mark McGwire batted his 70th home run for the Cardinals ending baseball's regular season./ Because of the miraculousness of this event the Cardinals are considering renaming themselves the Popes.

There is a large upsurge in the printing of counterfeit money./ If you are not sure your money is real please send it to me and I'll look after it.

Sprint Canada is pulling back their promotion of all the talk you can talk across Canada for $20. Evenings and weekends./ It seems we have too many Joan Rivers wannabes.

Gerhard Schroeder is Germany's new leader./ As the man has been married four times it is not clear whether he is clear on the concept "make love not war".

In Saskatoon, electrical workers are threatening strike action./ Pat Quinn said "It would be nice to see the Leafs execute such a power play."

The founder of Domino's Pizza is set to retire./ It is believed he will do it in 30 minutes or he will be pension free.

Colorado Rockies fired manager Don Baylor after six seasons./ It seems sometimes it takes forever for a club to establish a tradition.

The Canadian Red Cross let go of its blood collecting services yesterday to a new agency called Canadian Blood Services. Sure the Red Cross had a bit of problems in the safety area infecting some with AIDS and others with hepatitis C but I always felt in blood collecting they only were second to Revenue Canada.

September 29

Finance Minister Ernie Eves of Ontario has traded his blow dry look for a greased back look./ No word on whether this is suppose to be helping oil sales for Alberta.

All strikes and lockouts involving teachers are currently over; kids will be resuming their education between the hours of 9-3 in an effort to be the best that they can be./ Once again adults will feel safe on the streets for six hours.

520 essential workers at Pearson Airport are expected to walk off the job late Thursday night. Management says they will cover these positions./ It seems somebody has misconstrued what the phrase "essential worker "means.

President Clinton made the following remarks in San Antonio "wallowing in regret is a cop out" "his wife is a remarkable woman" "don't worry about me giving up."/ Translated these mean "I wish she didn't swallow" "you'll never hear the truth about White Water" and "yes I still can get it up."

Moscow prosecutors have tried to ban Jehovah Witnesses from the capital by invoking a controversial law that aims to curb the activities of 'non-traditional religions / So despite its' economic woes there is something attractive about life in Russia.

A headline in the Sunday New York Post read "Naomi gives Canada big chill" but the supermodel insists she has the hots for us./ I know I sleep better knowing my town has the stamp of approval of a supermodel because "beauty is as beauty does."

Citing diplomatic immunity an Israeli court threw out charges against the Egyptian ambassador who had been accused by an Israeli belly dancer of sexual assault./ It seems the ambassador was in denial anyway.

"I realize it sounds like a lot, but we've had bigger thefts" commented a spokesman for the Russian military prosecutor's office on the theft of 17,000 submachine-gun cartridges, 1,000 blank artillery shells, 1,500 explosive devices and several grenades./ Now if this theft occurred in the States police would already have their suspect- a N.R.A. member looking for a starter kit.

A 32year old, childless transvestite with multiple personalities is being charged with second-degree murder charges in an arson fire where he lives. In other words; even though he was without issue there is much he wished to address.

Monica Lewinsky and Oprah Winfrey had a breakdown in negoiations for the former's appearance on the later's show./ It seems Monica was looking for money and Oprah was looking not to pay it. Poor Monica everybody wants her to sing like Celine Dion but pay her like Subway Elvis.

September 30

Apparently there has been some confusion on whether Toronto is cold provincial and stodgy./ Let me set the record straight Toronto is a cool provincial capital where you can get a fine Havana stogie.

A recent survey found that there is line jumping going on for medical treatment depending how well connected you are./ What next a survey that shows the rich are better off than the poor?

Republicans under their chairman Henry Hyde wish to broaden their investigation of Bill Clinton./ No word from Dr. Jeckyll if he supports Mr. Hyde.

2,000 fans showed up at a mall in Montreal to save their Expos./ Who would have guessed they would draw every season ticket holder?

Investigators were trying to figure out how to bring out the one lone Albanian survivor of a Serbian mass killing./ I'd like to nominate Ernst Zundel for the job.

Gerhard Schroder, reassured French leaders he wanted to strengthen relations with them as well as Britain./ He then asked for a tour of the Maginot Line.

In New York, Mayor Giuliani said he would like to city crews fill there city's remaining 25,000 potholes by year end./ If he'd like top kill two birds with one stone may I suggest he use the alligators that are crawling through New York sewers as the pothole fillers.

In Malaysia, Prime Minister Mahathir Mohamad suggested that his jailed former deputy, Anwar Ibrahim, might have punched himself in the face in order to accuse the police of beating him./ I won't tell you how the P.M. figures the deputy sodomized. himself.

LA County has paid out $24million to 36 million to people wrongly beaten and accused by the sheriff's deputies at a bridal shower in 1989./ I'm willing to take bets what the next growth industry in the LA area is.

Governor Paktaki of New York is expected to announce that the state will pay $25million to the church to buy from them one of the last underdeveloped shoreline tracts in New York City, a 145-acre stretch of clay bluffs, marsh and meadows on the south shore of Staten Island./ It seems while the church knows beads are forever they also know take the money and run.

October 1

At least 21% of American teen-agers have read part of the Starr report according to a recent survey./ It seems Bill Clinton has a real shot at being the "Literacy President."

Today is Mark McGwire's 35th and Walter "Oscar Madison" Matthau 78th birthdays./ The homerun king and the home ruin king.

Software glitches paralyzed BMO cards and a Bank of Montreal representative said they're not sure they are out of the woods yet./ Nice to see someone practising for the year 2000.

For the first time in over a decade the number of high school students having sex has declined. So to all you old perverts out there "It's not you it's everybody."

A grieving mother had her son's sperm taken and frozen while he was on life support all because she wishes to use it to make her self a grandmother./ If she gets her ultimate wish she should at least avoid in-law problems.

Carl Thompson, 92, and Yvonne Jeffrey, 84, are to be wed this weekend./ No reason was given but it is believed it is a matter of family honour.

On Sunday two television stations in Calgary are planning to carry live the demolition of there old downtown General Hospital./ I am not sure that it is because they like things that blow up good; or they just want to see what the effects of Harris's politic's would be if they had all of it.

Toni Morrison the Nobel Prize winning Afro American writer, said of Bill Clinton; "President Clinton is our first black president. He displays every trope of blackness: single-parent household, born poor working class, saxophone-playing, McDonald's and junk food loving boy from Arkansas./ Funny Toni you mention all that and nothing about his appendage.

In Southern Ontario your all Christian network has been launched at considerable cost./ Now some may view this as a waste of charitable donations, but not me; I love the idea of such a channel existing so in my hour of need I can turn them on and then, then I can turn them off.

The Pentagon estimates it will spend around $50million in the coming year to provide Viagra for American troops and military retirees./ I guess that will make it a "coming year".

October 2

The Ontario provincial government will stop funding sex change operations./ Transsexuals were visibly upset as they had misunderstood "government supports operations cut off."

A youth minister preaching to the kids sin was like playing Russian roulette, and running with the wrong crowd, using drugs and carrying a gun would catch up to you ended his sermon by putting a gun to his head and blowing his brains out./ Sure it gets their attention the first time; but what do you do for an encore?

In football this weekend, Derrell Mitchell, of the Argos, needs 7 more receptions to pass Alan Pitts record of 126 pass receptions./ While 126 pass receptions is a CFL record it is nothing compared to the number of passes Bill Clinton has made and completed.

In hockey the Toronto Maple Leafs take their exhibition schedule game record of 5 wins 1 tie onto the road tonight./ With a record like this it will be a while before the Leafs are in season form.

New York Yankee, Daryl Strawberry, who has colon cancer will be giving an interview tonight on ESPN. No offense to Mr. Strawberry but it is sad to see when an a..hole become the dominant conversation in sports.

Doctors at Vienna's Wilhelminenspital used a bone scanning technique called scintigraphy to detect injuries inflicted from torturing./ They may have tried the old fashioned way-looking for scar tissue.

Claudia Schiffer has announced her retirement from the catwalk saying she wishes to concentrate on making advertisements and movies./ Trust me Claudia I know the pressures of looking beautiful all the time.

In response to Federal Health Minister, Alan Rock's assertion "the Liberals will fight the reelection of the Ontario Tories"; Mike Harris said "the federal liberals want to see a weak government in Ontario that will not oppose it's policies."/ Well duh yeah.

Myrtle Petten a retired store clerk from Foxtrop, Newfoundland won $13,271,608.40 in the 649 draw./ This is enough money to provide jobs for everyone in Newfoundland for a year; or provide half the population a weekend bender on "screech".

Revlon shares fell 45% at closing today./ It would seem someone has taken a powder and I don't know if they'll ever make up for it.

October 5

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month; ladies calling your husbands a cancer because he's the lump you find at the end of your breast is not politically correct or proper diagnosis.

In Brazil it looks like President Fernando Henrique Cardosa will be reelected even though the country teeters on bankruptcy./ I know things are really desperate down there as the poor people on the beaches couldn't afford a stitch of clothing.

Eight racehorses are believed to have been drugged at Woodbine racetrack. Top trainer, Mark Case said excessive diarrhea, the male horses so badly relaxed that they couldn't hold their genitals off the ground, and eyes half shut are all indications of being tranquilized./ Let's see; genitals hanging low-right, half shut eyes-sure, but excessive diarrhea-I would figure it would be not giving a shit.

Liposuction is responsible for the death of at least 130 deaths in the States since 1993./ The good news is all these people looked so much better than they did before the operation.

Prime Minister Atal Behari Vajpayee said it was prepared to destroy it's nuclear arsenal if the world's major powers took the initiative in the disarmament process./Actually it is believed the Prime Minister won't wait for the major powers to get on side. It is believed the Prime Minister will act unilaterally destroying India's nuclear weapons, unfortunately it seems he will destroy them over Pakistan .

In Australia Prime Minister John Howard has won reelection by the narrowest of margins. Pauline Hanson, leader of the right wing, racist One Nation party lost her seat, however; in Australia there is proportional representation in their senate so it looks like the party may wind up with some seats there. Proving that in Australia you can lose your seat without losing your "ass".

Prince Andrew denied reports that he had accused palace officials of lying to the media; stating "aides had likely misled the media for the last 20 years"./ After the news conference Prince Andrew then put in a call to President Bill Clinton asking for the definition of sex.

After 211 years of existence the Marylebone Cricket Club has decided to admit women. The bad news is there is an 18 year waiting list to get in./ The good news ladies is there is an 18 year waiting list to get in (enough time to reflect on the joys of being a member of a cricket club.)

Irish Prime Minister Mary McAleese flew into Canada for a 13-day state visit./ No that 7-course meal you heard she had was not a six pack and a potato.

On Saturday 40,000 people poured into Boston Common for a rally supporting the legalization of marijuana. Police made 62 arrests./ What was not reported was that "Domino's had 62 calls from that precinct.

October 6

Eric Lindros may miss some hockey playing time and Doug Gilmore is just returning to hockey both of them in their respective positions because of groin injuries./ No word if either one of them was spotted in the company of Monica Lewinsky.

The new growth industry using vending machines in the States seems to be Styrofoam canisters of live bait./ It's great in several ways; if after your purchase you can't go fishing right away cut it in half and you'll wind up with double your purchase, you can eat it as is and have the most nutritious meal to come out of a vending machine let alone the fortune you save on sushi bars.

In Melbourne Australia residents had to take communal showers as a gas plant explosion cut off services to the city and surrounding area. With most Australians being the descendants of convicts and incidents like this no wonder they lead the world in the "hide the bar of soap games."

In Britain they're health services approved the usage of "feng shui" (the ancient Chinese art of harnessing the positive energy of a room to increase happiness, prosperity and good health.) This has lead to repainting of hospitals with calming colors, installation of fish tanks, scenic pictures, plants and rearrangement of furniture and machinery./ In Ontario so patients would not to be disturbed by the hospital scenery they have found it much cheaper just to close hospitals or deny you admission.

General Motors sells were better last month than expected; bouncing back to where they had been prior to their strike./ I guess the public feel a well rested newly happy crew should provide them with a proper vechile.

Kellogg's Tony the Tiger is suing the Exxon tiger for trademark infringement./ In a supposedly unrelated story Tiger Woods has changed his name to Yankel Woods.

In Quebec, Premier Bouchard stated he may find money for the Montreal Symphony but not the Expos./ Why not just have the symphony open every game?

Western nations announced the imminent air attack of Yugoslavia if President Slobodan Milosevic didn't end his campaign of terror in Kosovo./ It can only be perceived that Milosevic is as frightened as Hitler was when dealing with Chamberlain.

The Canadian dollar fell to 64.25 cents (U.S.)that was the bad news; the good news staying stable is Canadian Tire money

In the States their House judiciary committee has voted 21-16 to an inquiry on Clinton./ Gee it must have been shocking all Republicans supporting the inquiry and all Democrats opposed.

October 7

Ontario ranked as North America's third worst polluter./ Norm Sterling Ontario's Environment Minister said "When the air cleared he be pleased to go and pick up our Bronze medal; (okay I lied that previous statement just indicates the minister's commitment to the environment. ")

The turmoil hitting world markets has a silver lining as interest rates come tumbling down on mortgages. The down side is only the rich will be approved for these mortgages./ I believe banks will soon be marketing a "Trickle Me Up" doll.

Albertans are at risk because the province hasn't done enough to combat the millennium bug. The Auditor General, Peter Valentine said risks could arise in health care systems, and in essential services such as power, gas and telephone./ In defense Premier Klien said he didn't believe there was such a thing as a government essential service. It is believed he only uttered this remark to cut further hemorrhaging to the Reform Party.

In Regina the news was "council sides with gay pride and votes for Gay Pride Week./ Apparently there was no major problem with siding with the idea it was just no one really wanted to "back" the idea.

A biker who slugged Stefen Reid of the Montreal Allouettes has been fined $2,000. And ordered to stay away from bars for six months./ It is expected the Toronto Argos will be offering the biker a contract in the next week.

Leonard Jones the former mayor of Moncton who had been crusader against bilingualism, who didn't allow the usage of French within the city and who unsuccessfully challenged the Official Languages Act and served as an independent MP was spoken of highly by other MP's after recently dying of cancer./ Meanwhile it is believed up in heaven former governor George Wallace issued a request "Keep that Bigot away from me."

Paula Sage who is running for associate district judge in Shawnee, Oklahoma was horrified to find pictures of herself flashing her breasts, on a flyer distributed all over town. The photos had been taken at a private Halloween party back in 1990. What has her most upset is the flyer accuses her of being ill tempered and foul mouthed./ Sage perhaps a spice; but definitely not a wise one.

On an Air Canada flight to Britain a bat got loose from someone's hand luggage and flew around the jet for 20 minutes before a steward caught it and placed it in a bag for the rest of the journey. Unfortunately for the bat at journey's end it was dead./ Coincidentally a chauffeured hearse returned from Heathrow to the Christopher Lee estate empty but for the chauffeur who seems to suffer a bit of a hunch in his back.

Today is Yo-Yo Ma and Desmond Tutu's birthdays./ I'm not sure but for some reason I feel it must also be Boo Boo Bear"s.

Solicitor-General Andy Scott has done back pedaling on the APEC inquiry; to the extent of even remembering the gender of his seat mate./ In his defense Mr. Scott's father said "Andy did have some problems when I was trying to explain the "birds and bees to him.

October 8

1,800 homing pigeons out of 2,000 competing in a 320-km race from Virginia to Allentown and 600 out of 800 of the birds vying in a separate 240-km competition from western Pennsylvania to Philadelphia have disappeared with supposedly no logical explanation./ I don't know for sure exactly where but for those of you who don't like turkey on Thanksgiving I believe somewhere down in Appalachian country you can find a sale on squab.

Lee Majors may well be remembered as TV's Bionic Man but it seems taking his place as the Fall Guy; Solicitor-General Andy Scott

David Gunn is resigning from being TTC's general manager. Apparently he was such a rare individual politicians of all stripes in metro agreed " a Gunn to their heads was the best way to get action."

Dennis Rodman is talking about retiring from basketball and taking up a career in acting./ No word whether as an actor or actress.

The NBA looks like it will be hit by a lock-out./ Finally it can be recognized as a professional sport.

Two trailers full of costumes, mostly Santa Claus suits were stolen this weekend./ Though police are not saying the suspect is believed to be a Grinch.

In Hagerstown, Maryland teacher aide, Brenda Sue Hargett, 35, could face nine years in prison after pleading guilty to contributing to the delinquency of a minor. She had sex with two high school boys./ In her defense may I suggest maybe she wasn't to clear on the responsibilities of a lay teacher.

Manon Rheaume is gone for the season as she is pregnant./ Apparently she has a great glove hand but no comment from this sector on her "five hole."

The Ontario Tories wish to raise the speed limit on the 400 series of highways to 120km/h. This was the speed limit temporarily back in the 1970's before fuel efficiency became a factor./ I guess now that the highways are full of potholes maybe if you could have speeds where your low flying; it would be the safest way to travel upon them.

Monica Lewinsky is negotiating with the Fox TV network an interview and tell all book./ Who would think this girl would take it into her head to make money?

October 9

NBA talks go on/ the Commissioner has offered a Stern warning to the players, responding for the players is their representative Patrick Ewing; perhaps they may be better off with the other Ewing J.R..

Welfare numbers have dipped in Ontario/ is it just coincidence the number using food banks and left homeless has increased.

100,000 fresh turkeys recalled/ No, no it has nothing to do with a world wide recall of parliaments; apparently it is really about the birds and the fact they weren't properly refrigerated; hmn if we only could put our politicians on ice.

Bill Clinton said of his fate "It's not in my hands. It is in the hands of God."/ Yes Mr. President however if your hands were not otherwise occupied perhaps you wouldn't be in the condition your presently in.

Bouchard has hinted at an early in election in Quebec./ It is not known if he feels he must while he has still a leg to stand on.

In Hockey the Buffalo Sabres have resigned Miroslav Satan for $850,000.(U.S.)./ Who would think Satan would come so cheap but we can understand his desire to be in a city where there's always fires.

Playboy is looking for Playmates to appear as the magazine's Centerfold models in the new millennium. One of these women will become Miss January 2000 and earn a special modeling fee of $200,000. The Playboy bus is coming to Toronto to interview and test-photograph candidates October 22-24th / For those wishing a pre-test please send an explicit photo so I can judge for you.

Ray Loewen was forced to resign his position as chief executive of Loewen Group Inc. which is North America's second largest funeral home operations. The company has seen a large drop in the value it's shares traded for./ In order to turn things around new chief executive Robert Lundgren is expected to announce "I don't come here to praise Ray Loewen but to bury him."

Pro soccer players from frequent "heading" of the ball or colliding with other players may suffer serious brain damage./ In other words the players may not be any brighter than their fans.

Three children, ages 9, 10 and 11 were caught shoplifting at Kenora Shoppers Mall; they had apparently been coached to do so by their aunt. Although the police are not saying it is widely believed the aunt's name is Fagan.

October 12

Russian protesters have taken to the streets in Latvia protesting the Latvian government's plan to make Latvian the official language of Latvia./ I guess they're just stealing a page out of M. Bouchard's book.

The Hubble Space Telescope is peering back in space and time and seeing galaxies that might be 12billion years old./ Boy oh boy, if they can peer that far back maybe they can catch Brian Mulroney before his first lie.

A Kenyan Maasai women was the first in her tribe to sue for spousal abuse. Her husband was found guilty and fined $83./ This may not sound like much but when you think you can adopt a child over there for $29. A month and feed his whole village on that it makes it sound actually harsh.

Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York, has turned talk-show host. Starting off will be shows on weight, jealousy, cosmetic surgery and teen-age sex./ I approve of her schedule; as you really shouldn't talk about things that you don't know anything about.

Elliot Gould on being asked to name one of his worst jobs; "As you know, I was once married to Barbra Streisand./ James Brolin meanwhile is suspected of having been issued a "gag order" by Barbra Streisand..

Canada won a seat on the UN Security Council. This allows us to host the UNICEF Halloween parties.

J.P. Morgan Securities is predicting a mild recession next year./ Remember it's a recession if your neighbour doesn't have a job and a depression if you don't

The head of Potash Corp. believes the international currency turmoil will not affect his company or demands for fertilizer./ If the possible impeachment trial south of the border is any indication; then yes, the demand for fertilizer stays high.

Winston the Whale died at age of 17 in New Haven's Mystic Aquarium. Winston had checked out healthy on Friday so his death was totally unexpected/ it is believed it has caused a lot of blubbering.

Matthew Shepard who had been kidnapped, robbed and pistol-whipped, for being gay in Colorado died from his injuries./ In an effort to reduce attacks on "gays" Colorado is expected to import more "blacks" and "Jews".

October 13

"Economic recovery plan still unfinished" Russian finance minister, Mikhail Zadomov announced./ Who new there was a plan?

Al Lewis former star of Car 54 Where Are You? And the Munsters is running for governor of New York./ C'mon does a third rate actor really believe he has a chance in politics? Oh yeah sorry.

A spokesman for the U.S. drugs group Pfizer in Britain stated they had experimented with the drug Viagra on a few dogs and afterwards the dogs were put down./ Well I would certainly hope so.

Adrian Rivait was found guilty of four counts of third degree criminal sexual misconduct all for allegedly having sex with a 13 year old. According to Rivait he was incapable of having an erection./ I don't why he wouldn't have pled to the lesser charge; assault with a dead weapon

Scientists are planning to grow the first human heart outside of a body./ I don't about the success of that but we don't have to look much further than the Ontario P.C.'s to see the success of growing a body without a heart.

Salman Kahn, one of India's biggest movie stars, was charged yesterday with shooting a rare antelope during a break from filming. If found guilty he could face up to seven years jail time./ He isn't illiciting much sympathy as most feel he "gnu" what he was doing

A poem written and signed by John Lennon was auctioned off for $3,000 British pounds; the poem contained the F-word 104 different times./ I guess that's what's called a sure bet not to lose any effing value. On a personal note not knowing what the poem was about I can only conclude it was written when the cold reality of being married to Yoko set in.

Over 2,000 volunteers worked yesterday across Toronto yesterday in a bid to feed the hungry and needy./ If the hungry and needy can hold on another six weeks they can get fed again at Christmas.

Some in the West; think the Afghanistan Islamic movement Taliban by not allowing a tailor to measure a woman for clothing is cowing their women./ I don't know one way or other if they're truly cowed but I do know all their women are wearing "muumuu's."

Today is Desmond Wilson's, Jerry Rice's and Margaret Thatcher's birthdays./ Ironically someone who on TV dealt scrapped iron, someone who plays on the grid iron and the "Iron Lady."

October 14

American president Bill Clinton, was in New York for the local Democrat candidate stumping and pressing the flesh./ Was this not what got him into trouble in the first place?

Ontario's proposed sex offender registry will help protect students from deviant teachers. According to a recent report from the Ontario College of Teachers it showed sex crime is the No.1 reason educators lose their certification. No wonder in the recent teacher's strikes they didn't want to lose time to do extra-curricular activities.

The Vatican Pharmacy will not be stocking Viagra./ At last they're doing something in an attempt to protect alter boys.

In Quebec Premier Lucien Bouchard has announced that there will be a fall election./ As to the exact date it seems he is waiting until the results are in.

Felipe Alou manager of the Expos turned down an offer by the LA Dodgers to stay in Montreal./ What remains to be seen is if the Expos remain in Montreal.

In a move to attract Muslim customers, McDonald's will consider using halal meat in their burgers over in Britain./ No word from McDonald's when they will use meat of any kind anywhere else.

Pope John Paul 11 will pronounce Edith Stein, a renowned Jewish intellectual who became a Carmelite nun and died at Auschwitz a saint and a martyr for the Roman Catholic faith./ First they poach Jesus off the Jews to start their religion now this.

The percentage of Russians not being paid at their place of work is 57%./ Under Workfare in Ontario our numbers surpass that.

Robert Furchgott, Ferid Murad, and Louis Ignarro are winners of the Nobel Prize for their research into nitric oxide gas which most notably came up with Viagra ./ One should have known a gas that is a cousin to laughing gas would put a smile on many faces.

Harold Shipman is a British doctor who may be responsible for over 77 deaths and is being charged with 4 as of now. It is believed he had forged wills to leave himself as the beneficiary / Maybe he didn't understand that Dr. Kervorkian's patients were volunteers.

October 15

Canadian Finance Minister Paul Martin conceded that there was actually a budget surplus for the first time in 28 years. He has ruled out major tax cuts or big hikes in health spending./ In other words there is no federal election looming on the horizon.

The Toronto Health Board has proposed a limit of a household having no more than a combination of dogs, cats, ferrets and rabbits totalling greater than six / Does this mean if Pamela "Bunny" Lee Anderson and Tommy "Ferret" Lee were to reconcile they would be allowed only four pets?

Frank Yankovic, "America's Polka King" died yesterday at age of 83 through natural causes./ It is expected he will be wheeled out in a beer barrel.

ABC News president David Westin has killed a story by the TV network's top investigative reporter on allegations involving Walt Disney Co. Walt Disney coincidentally owns ABC The story alleges, among other things that Disney World fails to perform security checks that would prevent the hiring of sex offenders, and has problems with peeping Toms./ Brian Ross the segment producer was last seen on his way to "Pleasantville." Mumbling "yeah, yeah it's a small world after all."

Charges are possible against beleaguered Philip Services over allegations it improperly dumped imported hazardous waste in Hamilton./ How they will tell the difference between regularly toxic Hamilton soil and imported toxic waste is certainly a job for the experts.

Reports from Kruger National Park has African lions dropping like flies as they succumb to bovine tuberculosis; naturalists are dismissing this as "hysteria"/ All I know that across the park rather than you hearing the mighty roar of a lion you now hear a whacking cough.

According to the Royal Canadian Golf Association the number of golfers in Canada over the age of 12 has increased from 3.8million in 1990 to 4.8million in 1996. This means the number of people in that age category who swing a club on at least occasion is 19.4 per cent. However it's still predominantly a male pastime with women being only 27 per cent of the participants./ Perhaps they get discouraged when they find out what "fore" play is about.

Billed as the world's biggest Scrabble game it was played yesterday on the soccer pitch at London's Wembley Stadium. The tiles were so humungous it took two British paratroopers to move them./ Fortunately for the organizers the Dean Martin Estate provide Seagram Velvet Bags sufficiently large enough to mix the letters.

Viagra sells are down./ It seems men were dressed, "up" but had no place to go.

In celebration of their 125th anniversary the RCMP are donating a 7-year-old gelding to Queen Elizabeth./ The fact that the horse is a gelding is symbolic of the forces new image.

October 16

Last night Ben Johnson, a thorough bred horse, a harness horse and a car all raced for charity. Ben Johnson finished not to a distant third behind the horses, but ahead of the automobile./ While not proving irrevocably the results at least implied yes you can dope horses and people but you can't cars.

Ontario Social Services Minister, Janet Ecker announced the homeless will appreciate the cuts to Welfare./ Obviously she subscribes to the philosophy "misery loves company"

Clint Hallam a New Zealand businessman received a new hand in transplant surgery over in France./ While appreciative of the procedure the New Zealander admitted it's always grabbing for a cigarette, a glass of wine and to pinch a "tush".

Baseball's World Series starts this weekend;/ admittedly there are the Toronto Blue Jays and Montreal Expos but how did this event ever get labeled The World Series.

In Britain they are trying to redesign parliament so the House of Lords is not an inherited position; from Rome the Pope tells us to combine faith with reason./ Faith tells me there is only one Lord. Reason tells me even though the Lords know that their function has been paltry since the Magna Carta don't expect to see them resign and give up their positions.

Shawn Gilchrist wrestled with a bank robber at a CIBC branch./ Let's see Gilchrist went in at noon, no tellers were available; now does this make him a hero or spokesperson?

Toronto Mayor Mel Lastman is in China to promote business links, boost Toronto's bid for the 2008 Olympics/ and most importantly to find that off the beaten path Chinese restaurant to tell his fellow synagogue members about.

Dominatrix Terri-Jean Bedford after four years of court trials has been fined $3,000. For operating a bawdy house. The whole point of her trial supposedly to define the legality of providing a sado-masochism dungeon./ You have to wonder if the judge isn't sadistic letting her hang like that.

I have seen the most dangerous diet advertised "lose all your weight"/ Who's that for people wishing to get back to their pre-embryonic weight?

Canadian Blood Services is accepting blood from Britain even though it might run the risk of being infected with mad-cow disease./ However if you're getting blood from Britain and it's of a bluish colour don't you give it the benefit of the doubt and remark to yourself "probably royal."

October 19

Augusto Pinochet was placed under arrest in London as Spain wishes to extradite him to face allegations that Spanish citizens were murdered during his years of power./ Meanwhile in Hell; Franco, Mengele, and Samosa are attempting to get him to a place where the west wouldn't enroach like Serbia.

Peace negotiations between Israeli's and Palestine's are not going great while they're meeting at the Wye Conference Centre./ Perhaps the meeting locale is the problem as it's believed the Israeli's are always are looking for the Wye-not Conference Centre.

In hockey the Leafs started with three victories before incurring their first loss./ There's expected to be lots of sports injuries this year if they continue playing in such a manner as fans jump on and off the band-wagon.

Terry Milewski was removed from the APEC story after government accused him of bias for calling them "the Forces of Darkness"./ Thank God that private enterprise doesn't own everything where they could exert undue influence to protect themselves or sponsors.

In Zagreb beauty queen Lejla Sehovic lost her title of Miss Croatia simply because she's Muslim./ This is certainly wrong by western standards but at least could have been avoided if the organizers had noticed that all that was visible on her during the swim-suit competition was her eyes.

Avant-garde Russian artists baked and devoured an 80-kilogram, life-sized Vladimir Lenin cake in the name of performance art. Communist deputy Anatoly Lukyanov declared in a most menacing voice, "they must be prosecuted' it's blasphemous to our sacred things."/ If the artists really wished to toy with Comrade Lukyanov serenity they would have made the cake an angel food cake and let him devour the moral implications of that.

Text books have been arriving in Ontario schools where the ink can be easily erased with a pencil's eraser./ This suits the provincial government's plan exactly a text book where you can rewrite history as you see fit.

With the date only to be set the people of Quebec get to vote for a former federal Conservative cabinet minister or a former federal Conservative cabinet minister for their Premier. Let's see the Federal Liberals have cut back all spending in social fields and are operating on a budget surplus, the NDP are enlisting business's support no wonder Joe Clark is ignoring pleas to "unite the right " ; it's to difficult to ascertain those that aren't.

The Pope celebrated his 20th year as Pontiff./ The sad thing was he couldn't get a date for his party.

Former deputy prime minister Anwar Ibrahim of Malaysia says his prison conditions improved because of international pressure and government's fear of the populace's wrath./ He did not seem optimistic on the return to seating in parliament giving perhaps some credibility to charges he was involved in sodomy.

October 20

Joseph Estrada, Philippines president was truly amazed at the cleanliness of public washrooms in Singapore and that no one would steal the soap or toilet paper./ Just wait until he visits Disneyland.

Mike Tyson has won the right to fight again./ In perhaps a bad choice of words he announced that he's hungry to return to the ring.

The Ontario government which in April promised $225million dollars to hospitals, clearing up clogged emergency wards will start delivery of that money today./ Welfare cuts which had been bitterly opposed were delivered within three months of the government's election; but money for hospitals which claimed no objections takes almost six months to reach its destination. I guess the Mike Harrisites believe indeed it's more blessed to give than to receive and don't wish to be inundated with too many blessings.

In France the country's only factory manufacturing Viagra was hit by a strike./ Management claims they're impotent to do anything.

Prime Minister Jean Chretien again joked about pepper spray usage./ Maybe we should be labeling him the beyond his "prime" minister.

Over in Britain, Queen Elizabeth is discreetly looking for a supplier of champagne for Prince Charles 50th birthday party./ You know what its like; four grown children that essentially don't work, that live at home; plus your own elderly mother.

Premier Mike Harris said its time for his party to look beyond the "WASP" voter they usually attract and more women./ Jewish parents "bat-mitzvahing" their daughters will have their daughters sent a fountain pen with the PC Logo on it; as will African parents that get their daughters circumcised.

This weekend at a party fund raiser Premier Harris announced "we are not the government"./ This should please a great number of Ontarion's if not baffle them.

Westminster Abbey is selling 800 chairs that have witnessed plenty of history; the Queen's mother's wedding in 1923, the Queen's wedding in 1947, her coronation in 1953, the wedding of the Duke and Duchess of York in 1986 and Princess Diana's funeral in 1997. Each chair carries a gold-plated plaque bearing the words: "This bespoke congregation chair was used in Westminster Abbey, England."/ I suppose there is always some ass looking for a value like this and I don't mean Eyore just because they come out of ( Pooh?)Pew? Corner.

Claud and Lulu Davis have been married eighty years. Supposedly they seldom argue but when they do the last word is his; she will tell him to do something and he'll respond "Okay." (can't top that.)

October 21

American, Carl Andognini, was hired by Ontario Hydro to clear up their nuclear mess. Hydro being a publicly owned cooperation is responsible for allowing the public access to how much we compensate these people; Andognini is claiming contractor status and doesn't wish his salary disclosed; for fear other children may taunt his./ Hey Americano can your country not afford dyes to give your currency a multi-colour spectrum. Hey Americano your father makes much greater than mine how will you ever spend it? Hmn maybe we should recognize this gentleman's plight, C'est tragic.

Boxer Michael Tyson got his licence back after a medical examination found he had chronic low-level depression, was moody, impulsive, suffered from low self-worth and had trouble with interpersonal relationships but doesn't have Intermittent Explosive Disorder. He's neither mentally ill nor suffers from personality disorder./ In fact he scored zero in personality.

Despite the highest in their history profits Canadian National Railway is laying off 3000 people bringing their total staff down to half what is was in 1992./ Sure these people are being railroaded but CN is trying to figure out a way to have one guy in his basement with an engineer cap on and a transformer doing it all.

Dorothy Joudrie has been discharged 2.5 years after shooting her husband a provincial review committee has found she represents no threat to society./ Don King is promoting a match between her and Tyson.

Twenty-five years ago they were looking for peace in the Mid-East ending the Yom Kipper war; there were calls for the impeachment of the president./ Indeed a wiser person than myself said as much things change they remain the same.

Health Canada which recommended only last year an hour of exercise, has found people to sedentary to do even that; is suggesting maybe you start off by doing ten minutes at a time./ Next years recommendations are expected to be bench press the remote several times during the night.

Ontario Liberal Leader Dalton McGuinty who has been accused of being invisible and weak took a tough stand against MPP Alex Cullen dumping him from caucus after Cullen said he might not remain with the party next election./ Tough Dalton very tough but if you are real tough you'll face the winner of Joudrie and Tyson match.

The American Psychiatric Association ruled sex addiction is not a mental disorder; neither is nymphomania or satyriasis./ Damn there goes my sick days.

Suspected right-wing paramilitary gunmen shot to death a provincial mayor in northwest Columbia yesterday. This represented the 11th mayor in ten months./ No word from Premier Harris's office why this news clipping was sent to Mel Lastman's.

A paralyzed, mute stroke victim has been equipped with a cursor -like device that along with his brainpower will allow him elementary communication./ The downside the patient has found is when he's in his own thoughts and they try to boot him up.

October 22

The city is coming up with a coat of arms; most suggestions have beaver, bears and some other lame stuff./ Why not go for the obvious a picture of a man sprinting after all Toronto is a city on the go, health conscientious, and in the corner of course is that "buck" we're chasing.

Prime Minister Jean Chretien admitted he erred in suggesting students were lucky they were pepper-sprayed rather than being beaten with baseball bats. Opening his mouth only to change feet he stated the students were lucky they weren't blasted by a police water canon./ Opening soon at a cinema close to you Andy Scott, Jean Chretien in "Dumbest and Unbelievably Beyond".

Fredericton Mayor Brad Woodside in a very whispered voice proclaimed Gay Pride Week./ Obviously the Mayor isn't on to the subtlety if you wish someone's attention "whisper" even though he isn't pleased with the idea put your lips together and blow.

Heather Picket responded with a fourteen inch blade after a robber threatened her with a five inch knife./ Finally I believed them telling me size doesn't matter and now I'm mocked.

Billy Barty has spent seventy years in showbiz; in his honour George Lucas will be having a roast./ Of course it will be a weenie roast.

The New York Yankees swept the World Series last night./ For those who aren't baseball fans that means at least a nine week reprieve until spring training.

Thirty-five workers have barricaded themselves in at the Volvo plant in Halifax protesting their severance package./ Volvo was stunned by the action as their crash test dummies had accepted their package.

Up to 10million Fisher-Price Power Wheels ride-on toys are being recalled because of a serious fire risk they may generate./ They're just making these toys too realistic.

Former prime minister Brian Mulroney was awarded Companion of the Order of Canada today./ No word on how many Canadians consequently wished to emigrate.

70% of all the riders on TTC didn't feel safe. According to the Mayor the system is safe./ This is the same man who claimed there were no homeless people last year.

October 23

In business news Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Pictures acquired the theatrical movie library of PolyGram Filmed Entertainment. Commenting on the deal Barry Hyman, media analyst with Ehrenkrantz King Nussbaum said "MGM must do something to create the aura of future value."/ This is no stock market tip but I believe on a personal basis Mr. Hyman knows of where he speaks; he doesn't strike me as a gentleman you'd screw with; at least not more than once or he's gone.

Canadian National Railway which earlier this week had announced the lay-off of 3000 workers had indicated an average severance of $195,000. However to qualify for that a worker would have to be fifty-one and been with the company thirty-seven years. In honesty the majority of the workers will receive no more than $65,000 pretax with hundreds of others receiving no more than two weeks notice and a top-up to their government unemployment insurance. CN is sticking by it's numbers regarding the average severance./ You just have to wonder where economists came up with the figures earlier this week that the rich are getting richer.

A 6-foot-tall, 150-pound emu fell in love with an Alabama man. The bird somehow showed up at the door of Ed and Ann Stuardi who in their generosity fed it. The bird took to following Mr. Stuardi and making mating noises. The bird became so amorous that finally after two days of cowering inside an animal-rescue group came to the Stuardi's aid and finally took the emu to a farm populated with its' own./ In his defense Mr. Stuardi claimed "Heh nothing against the bird it's just I'm more a chicken lover."

Geri Halliwell former Spice Girl was appointed goodwill ambassador for the United Nations Population Fund./ Her new name of course is " Birth Control Pill Spice".

Rupert Murdoch has rescinded his offer to Monica Lewinsky of $2million for a TV/book deal/ First Oprah doesn't want to pay her; now this,/ just how much can this poor girl swallow

.Long-awaited results on the Mercedes Princess Diana occupied at the time of her death, showed the car had no technical problems and was traveling actually slower than first reported. It seems we'll have to await the Oliver Stone movie to find out what actually happened.

Gerald Morin may be forced to quit as chairman of the APEC inquiry due to allegations of what he remarked upon to a companion./ In Canada so much problem because of what comes out of the mouth; in the U.S. so many troubles because of the mouth you come in.

Arafat and Netanyahu agreed to the next to stage of the peace process saying their modest deal will rebuild trust./ By bringing the Israeli's and Palestinians together it looks like peace does indeed win though not as big as Bill Clinton.

High school gangs are quite rampant in Toronto./ In order to combat them police are believed to be taking dance and voice lessons; singing "When you're a Jet" and going through Hispanic neighborhoods calling out "Maria".

This weekend marks the start if not the entirety of the Federal Progressive Conservative Party's leadership race./ I just felt it was my patriotic duty to inform you they still exist as a party and if they seem leaderless they're doing something supposedly about it.

October 26

Joe Clark failed to win the Progressive Conservative leadership race this weekend; forcing at least a second ballot for November 14th unless all other contenders drop out./ It's believed if Mr. Clark doesn't capture 66% of the vote he'll resign and call for a leadership race.

Phoning TransAlta (an electric company) customer-service line resulted in plugging you into a phone-sex line as apparently the phone company mistakenly crossed lines./ There were no complaints and customers never felt as turned on.

This weekend all of Canada reset their clocks except Saskatchewan./ They're afraid doing so maybe cause wide white belts, bell bottoms and disco to disappear in time.

The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence "a San Francisco an outrageous artist group" composed of drag queens and transvestites held a "Wig Drive" this weekend donating wigs to an American Cancer Society program called "Look Good, Feel Better". The wigs all go to patients undergoing chemotherapy./ Proving perhaps some good can come from "hair-brained" ideas.

The American Drug Company Pfizer has hired the former royal yacht Britannia to demonstrate to British doctors how their drug Viagra works./ Apparently they will not utilize the boat's motors to propel it but by using Viagra they'll come up with a stiff wind to mobilize the ship.

Jeffery Pickering a man accused of threatening to kill President Bill Clinton goes to trial in Oregon today. No word on whether Hillary Clinton will be called as an accessory.

Barnett Slepian an obstetrician-gynecologist was shot this weekend because he was also labeled an abortionist./ Personally I don't care what's your opinion of abortion or Capital Punishment is; but when I hear of crimes like this I support abortion if we can make it retroactive on the murderers.

In soccer action during the San Francisco League match between Golden Gate Park and the Sons of Italy a fan leapt to the field put a headlock on the referee and bit off his ear./ I guess English rules were being strictly enforced.

Supermodel Cindy Crawford has set up a personal website http://www.cindy.com all at an introductory cost of $39.95 American half the usual annual fee./ It is believed "find my second mole" will be its biggest attraction.

Celebrating Ancestor Homage Festival in Kaohsiung City, Taiwan 137 couples who have been married in excess of fifty years renewed their pledges./ The couples all subscribed to the story made in Taiwan was best made.

October 27

Twenty-eight out of forty-nine lawyers who failed their bar exams have been passed even though in one case the student failed eight out of eight exams. Some people object strongly to this occurrence/ but I figure if he can fail everything and present a strong enough argument to be given his accreditation this may be the lawyer I want arguing for me.

Pizza Hut is shutting its' doors in Russia/ It seems they erred in their attempt to capture the native consumer market; rather than calling their pizza Chicago deep-pan or New York style they tried to market it under the name Chernobyl style.

President Carlos Menim of Argentina speaking of the Falklands War said "The conflict should have never happened. We deeply regret it./ Seems everyone is sheepish about that war.

Provincial representatives meeting with Ontarians to discuss the Disabilities Act Committee brought visual aids and printed material to assist their presentation. Unfortunately their efforts were not fully appreciated by the blind./ In an effort to correct this faux pas it's believed they'll use bullhorns for their presentation to the deaf.

Groundbreaking experiments found monkeys possess the innate ability to conceptualize numbers and count to nine./ Expect all nonmanagerial positions where this is a requisite to be turned over if it's found to keep a monkey in bananas is cheaper; but be of good cheer not too many jobs pay that well for that kind of job.

Iranians turnout for their elections was low/ I guess that the people over there realize the Kurds don't get their way and Sunni or later all you get is Shiite.

Berlin subway users were treated to a noveau cinematic experience as pictures are projected individually on the tunnel walls as the train rushes by./ I won't speculate on how many Berliners to change a light bulb.

Stephen Williams author of a book on Paul Bernardo is charged with allegedly having viewed prohibited videotapes of the rape and torture of murder victims Leslie Mahaffy and Kristin French ./ In pure Canadian justice he could go away longer than "Kurly Karla".

The American Federal Aviation Administration is recommending pilots abstain from Viagra a minimum six hours before flying; apparently Viagra impedes the ability to distinguish between blues and greens found in crucial cockpit instruments and runway lights./ If you don't get the humour and irony of banning Viagra from the cockpit I'm not writing the joke for you.

In thirty-four of the sub-Saharan nations one out of four people is infected by HIV./ If it's not you, the person to your right or left "whoops" it's the person behind you.

October 28

Micro-Soft offers $200. American to computer-science professors who mention the Micro-Soft name during an academic presentation./ Gee what an easy or sleazy way to pick up $200. Presentation bought or brought by Micro-Soft

Freedom 55 a myth C.I.B.C. finds as over 66% of Canadians over age sixty-five keep working just to make ends meet./ Gee the fact most Canadians don't get bank CEO retirement packages surprises them; personally I'm reluctant to break the news of the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus to them.

Conrad Black's new newspaper, National Post was launched after much hype./ Personally I'm disappointed because with all the hype I expected to see the Lois Lane or Clark Kent by-line.

A landmark Supreme Court of Canada ruling states it's illegal for provinces to charge probate fees; so no more of you having a will and the government having their way./ Of course it's expected the provincial governments will protect themselves coming up with retroprobate legislation or is that reprobate legislation.

This year the number of American students taking Latin courses is 88,600 way down from 1962's 700,000./ Speculation has it this means a humungous drop in tourism to Latin America.

American Astronaut John Glen will be carrying Metamucil with him on his return to space./ I guess NASA wishes to insure all systems go.

By the way did I tell you I like to think of myself as a computer-science professor and I'd like to exalt the qualities of Micro-Soft and if you would think of this as an academic presentation it would be appreciated.

The province must pay $12,000. damages to a jail guard who was off work for eight months after he suffered mental anguish brought on by being subjected to racist graffiti scrawled on jail walls. The $12,000 represents $11,000 full salary payment and $1,0000for mental anguish./ I don't know which alarms me most the fragility of a guard to being exposed to graffiti or the fact we pay only what amounts to $16,500. a year to be protected from the bad guys.

Meeting the Spice Girls according to Prince Charles was the greatest moment in his life./Kind of gives you an insight to his mind and possibly explains Camilla Bowles.

Ted Turner announced last night he awarded the first installment of his promised $1Billion gift to the United Nations. The money is earmarked for programs that help the poor, protect the environment, stem rapid population growth and empower women./ Canadian Conrad Black responded to the challenge; giving newspaper routes to poor kids, trying to be the only one paper in some environments, report news that leaves all but the rich feel impotent and marrying Barbra Amiel and allowing her to keep her column. In addition today he was spotted picking up two rolls of quarters today so that trick-or-treaters besides getting his paper in their bag those with UNICEF boxes will be given a donation.

A public access TV program showing a naked man in clown makeup masturbating was "bizarre and disgusting" but nonpornograhic an appeals court ruled yesterday in throwing out performer Scott Harold's pornography conviction./ Maybe they mistook the performance as an advertisement for a coming circus.

By the way did I tell you I like to think of myself as a computer-science professor and I'd like to exalt the qualities of Micro-Soft and if you could think this as an academic presentation it would be appreciated.

October 29

Winnipeg has it's first openly gay mayor Glen Muarry; he blew by his opponents by 10,000 votes./ Don't you love it when the media reports "gay" mayor elected suggesting as a voter you're choosing between being "screwed" or "buggered" as opposed to voting for Muarry after his promising to scale back business and amusement taxes and cut by 10% property taxes.

The Toronto Star has made an offer to purchase the Toronto Sun./ The philosophy being rather than "unite the right" buy it.

The Ontario Progressive Conservative government is running a three week advertising campaign costing taxpayers $4million dollars. The advertisement features a mother reassuring her child ripping off a Band-Aid hurts less if done quickly; then there is an equally reassuring voice-over that acknowledges "change hurts." The opposition and hospital officials have both complained about the expense of the advertisements stating numbers of nurses, hospital beds, operations and other medical procedures that could be had or saved with that money./ I think the Conservatives could have avoided this controversy if they had gone with their alternative the same voice-over but instead of the mother and child you have the surgeon without the anethesist. Meanwhile I'm looking forward to their Children Aid's commercials where the father is strapping the child proclaiming "this is hurting me more than you."

Hugh Segal is dropping out of the leadership race against Joe Clark stating their only chance would be a negative critical two-week blitz. This leaves free-trade opponent David Orchard as the only other alternative. I've heard "not seeing the forest for the trees" but here I believe I'm witnessing not seeing the P.C.'s for the Orchard.

John Glenn returns to space today, making him the world's oldest astronaut./ I look around and know there is a lot of aging space cadets if not as old at least gaining.

Three days after parachuting off the Empire State Building, a Dane has jumped off the 61-storey Chrysler Building. Previous to this the dare-devil has jumped from the Eiffel Tower;/ all the while notoriety has dogged him, prompting him to bark out "Why am I not recognized as a Great Dane.

A granite sphinx with the head of Cleopatra's father emerged from Alexandria Harbour after 1600 years under water./ It's expected Shirley Mac Claine will be putting a claim forth for it; claiming to be his widow in a previous life.

Farmers brought their sheep to Parlaiment Hill yesterday claiming Ottawa has fleeced them in compensation for slaughtering their flocks as a precaution against scrapie, a variant of the so called mad-cow disease./ Jean Chretien instinctually was drawn to the flock figuring if they were sheep they must be Liberal supporters.

The operator of a massive Alberta feed-lot has pleaded guilty to polluting a creek with a deluge raw cattle manure. The company which originally faced ten charges pled guilty to guilty one count each under the Alberta's Environmental Protection and Enhancement Act and the federal Fisheries Act. The result was that rather than having fines of $1.4-million they get off with paying $120,000.after dumping 32.5 million litres of raw sewage/. I don't think it takes a great environmentalist to conclude that is a lot of bull shit

It is official the Quebec election has been called for November 30th ./ Thank God for the federal Progressive Conservative leadership race that some former Mulroney cabinet ministers have better things to do than run to lead that province. The Tories don't need to unite with Reform they just need to stop getting jobs with other parties.

October 30

The Toronto Star is very serious about their bid for the Toronto Sun; which has the Sun very nervous and looking for a white knight to save them./ Unfortunately for them their timing is off as Peter Whyte is engaged in running the new National Post. However I agree with the Sun, their takeover would be like putting Sheila Copps head on Preston Manning's body./ While both possess screechy voices, smaller chests they're essentially a totally different type organ.

Down in the States their elections are exposing the public to all kinds of advertising; a rejected Republican proposal showed the word taxes claiming it was the Democrats favorite word, the advertisement suggested generously dropping of the first two letters leaving XES saying turning it backward you have sex. The advertisement stated no matter which way you cut it the Democrats love taxes and sex./ I'm not positive why the Republicans dropped the ad maybe they found too many of their members liked sex and especially if you left in the T and A. though how many liked sex backwards isn't for me to speculate.

John Glenn returned to space yesterday one of seven astronauts, four which were fellow Americans, one Spaniard and a female Japanese cardiovascular surgeon who's been to space before./ None of the astronauts seem to be envious of all the notoriety John Glenn seems to be garnering, however one can only wonder how long before they weary of his stories when I was a youngster there was none of this clutter the G-force use to be many times stronger, I had to get up before dawn just to… Meanwhile President Clinton attended the lift-off; having experienced several famous lift-offs himself I guess there was something compelling about watching another's.

Contradicting previous wisdom about the human brain which stated that after birth the brain cells that died off scientists have discovered the opposite is true that brain cells regenerate./ Liberal insiders were excited thinking they could solve the Jean Chretien problem unfortunately the knowledge doesn't exist to solve hoof-in-mouth disease.

Russia warned the United States that while it welcomed donations of food to help it through the winter it didn't want donor countries to "dump" their food./ In other words please nothing from Denny's.

A teen obsessed with smelling nice died after months of repeatedly spraying himself with deodorant; according to the coroner the teen-ager consequently had ten times the lethal dosage of propane and butane in his blood./ For those who are deist you may find it appropriate praying he smelled to high heaven.

Andrea Gonzalez of Argentina won fourteen gold medals at the 6th South American Odeur Games winning in every category of roller skating competition she entered./ While the young lady deserves congratulations for her achievement it's feared she could cause the next South American economic crisis if she tries to cash her medals in.

Actor Tom Cruise and wife Nicole Kidman won a libel suit against a tabloid that stated they were gay and there marriage a sham./ It's expected the couple will visit Canada, celebrating their victory with newly elected Winnipeg Mayor, Glen Muarry and Albertan singer K.D. Lang.

The incidences of melanoma Canadian cases have decreased in the last decade; useage of sunscreen and sun-smart behavior are cited as possible reasons to the why thereof./ I personally think it may have to deal with the increase number of people moving to rainshine Vancouver.

Tomorrow is Halloween and kids will be wearing that Grim Reaper's face and carrying his scythe./ That costume scares the bejesus out of me but I guess you can't stop kids from dressing like Mike Harris if they want to.

November 2

A whopping increase in the price of onions an essential ingredient in Indian cuisine is threatening to bring down their national government./ A case where their government is truly concerned about leeks.

Homicide statistics shows that Western Canada is pretty safe; unless you're aboriginal than the rate is thirty times higher./ The good news is with the shrinkage of their population it makes suspects easier to detect.

Loblaw has offered $1.6-billion to buy Montreal-based Provigo to gain a presence in the Quebec market. Under the agreement Provigo would continue to operate as an separate entity./ That's separate not separatist.

A four-point bull elk was found in the mayor of Banff yard yesterday./ It could be considered rather an usual event as we're not use to the bull coming to the politician as opposed to from.

Lucien Bouchard promised tax cuts and increasing health spending in Quebec's general election/ It really looks like a race between two sorry er Tory contestants

Third-quarter earnings dropped at Kellogg's by thirty-four per-cent / cheaper brands are accused of being Kellogg's cereal killer

In Britain there'll be a minimum fifteen day cooling off period from the time you register and the time you marry/ They obviously have discovered marriage is the leading cause of divorce.

Apologies seems to be the next growth industry as the Pope may soon apologize for the Inquisition and the Crusades./ He is expected to require of himself three "Hail Mary's" and four "Our Fathers" meanwhile priests and nuns are hoping for an apology on the rules of celibacy.

Doug Flutie has guided Buffalo to four victories./ CFL fans aren't surprised but most Torontoians are as they thought he was with the Argonauts.

New Zealand may soon pass legislation giving great apes human rights./ It's believed they're second only to Scotland in their tolerance of sheep as sex partners so this shouldn't be considered dramatic; dramatic Maori Spokespeople say is when they will be treated like humans.

November 3

Prime Minister Chretien admits to striking out several times but compares his slump similar to anything Mark McGwire might endure./ Prime Minister be assured none care about your strike outs but we care how many balls you seem to have taken to you head.

The Chief Rabbi of Great Britain is in trouble with his congregation for agreeing to go Prince Charles' birthday party which occurs on a Friday night the Jewish Sabbath. In his defense he said this was a royal request and refusal to attend could be misconstrued as lack of proper protocol so that he'd go put in an appearance and as soon as time discretely allowed leave/ Besides which the Queen is a shiksa and doesn't know from good deli and the band can't play "Hava Nagelia".

Guatemala's postal service is in deep trouble; so much trouble they're looking for assistance from Canada Post./ I'm sorry I can't deliver you a joke on this but surely this detail must have you laughing.

Swaziland has been advertising for a hangman for many months; its' been unsuccessful in recruiting within its' populace/ Not surprisingly you'd think they'd leave for China or Texas where there's huge demand.

The Kenyan government formed a committee which is to report back in eighteen months on how to solve the millennium bug./ I think this is fantastic as usually everyone possesses 20/20 hindsight and what better way to solve a problem then three months after the fact.

Books that have been known as the bedrock of Canadian history have been found to exaggerate our past./ It seems our history was because mostly explorers failed to ask for directions

Patrizia Reggiani (supposedly an Elizabeth Taylor lookalike) will receive her verdict tomorrow on whether they find her guilty of the shooting of fashion mogul Maurizio Gucci./ Hasn't the woman suffered enough being compared to Elizabeth Taylor?

King Hussein of Jordan is battling cancer./ The world should be justifiably nervous because in point of fact he's one of the few Mid-East leaders who in answer to the question "Who sane? Could answer in the affirmative; and be truthful.

The United States is getting serious about gun control requiring a dealer to phone a toll free number and maybe wait up to three minutes to see if the customer's record is clear; there however doesn't seem to be anything in the law to insure the customer is who they claim to be./ This all because their founding fathers were misunderstood (they actually were talking about the right to bare arms during the heat of summer

The Friendly Giant was awarded the Order of Canada yesterday./ To make viewing simpler for all there were several different type of chairs to sit on.

November 4

Turkish authorities captured suicide bombers before they could complete their mission./ How do you thwart a suicide bomber? I guess you sentence them to life.

President Carlos Menem of Argentina continues his visit of Great Britain; the British continue to be wary of the Argentineans ever since the Falklands Islands incidence./ In Argentina's defense let me say it takes two to Tango; and be wary they're superior at the Tango

The new Slovakia government has pledged to work with the Gypsy minority to improve conditions./ The first good step might be not to link them up with tramps and thieves and not let all the village people call them down.

A college student made medical history surviving six days without a pulse. Doctors used an electric pump to keep the patient alive by moving blood around the body./ Americans were astounded to discover this was a record figuring this was the natural condition of vice-president Gore.

Sportive Vita and Daring Club Motema Pembe were two Congolese soccer teams playing play-off soccer yesterday when soldiers opened fire killing four people and injuring others./ How do you explain to these people the difference between government prerogative and fan initiative.

Ottawa may tackle the homeless issue./ Before liberals and homeless people sing "Hosanna's; may I point out this is the government who pledged to eradicate child poverty only to see those numbers spiral ever upwards.

Mid-term election results had the Democrats doing surprisingly well; considering the Clinton-Lewinsky scandals. President Clinton was expected to be feeling "up" because of the results but never-the-less no intern was noticed under his desk.

A forty-one year old woman suffered from "pathological grief reaction" storing her mother in the freezer after the later's death./ I'm uncertain what it's called In the case of a mother; apparently when it's the father it's called making popcicles.

Hells Angels and the Bandidos bike gangs are talking merger./ I don't know I just feel all these mergers lead to less customer service i.e. fewer drug dealers, less pimps, and less police corruption.

Toronto Fire Chief Al; Speed wants to reduce the number of wall alarms; citing them as a major source of false alarms. He suggested that smoke-detectors could replace the alarms./ Unfortunately Chief Speed I know too many cooks who utilize smoke detectors as alarms to know when their food is ready also Chief I hate to see the headline "Speed kills".

November 5

Liberal backbenchers recommend no to bank mergers./ I could come up with something amusing here but I figure "Banks told no" should be sufficient enough if not to make you1augh hilariously at least put a smile on your face,

Prime Minister Chretien verbally blundered yesterday in question period; claiming a personal stake in lowering unemployment-insurance premiums. Apparently no members of parlaiment pay into the plan/ which may explain why Joe Clark needs money now. In Chretien's defense I'd say he must look at the opposition and see unemployment as a nonfactor in his life.

The CFL playoffs begin this weekend and despite repeated efforts by the National Football League there's no sale of television rights south of the border./ Where do the Americans get their cues? Toronto?

Welfare Fraud is reaching nontolerable costs to the Ontario taxpayer. Ontario Auditor Erik-Peters says a consulting firm Andersen Consulting has received already $15.5million for work they haven't done; before their contract expires they should collect a minimum of $180million This firm already has ripped off the Texas, Virginia, Nebraska, New Brunswick .and our federal governments. Dealing with the $15.5million they already collected a single guy would have to take the government for single benefits which are $520. Month for the next 29,807 months or approximately for the next 2485 years; or 100 people would have to do this for the next twenty-five years./ I know it's not Thanksgiving or Christmas but the next welfare recipient you see help the person they're not taking your job nor costing you too much; next cost consultant you see if you turn them into a soprano …

Jerry Dziubinski has dubious luck; warned off by family and friends about marrying this woman not only did he do so but gave her power of attorney. He lost money to her and she almost made it out of the country with the proceeds of the sale of their house; that he fortunately recovered./ Without giving every explicit detail I'd say the man is doubly fortunate recovering the house money's and has the story to make a great country-western hit.

Doug Flutie has made the cover of Sports Illustrated and has a cereal named Flutie Flakes and has been named Buffalo's starting quarterback./ I wouldn't dispute the recognition he finally is getting it's well deserved; but Flutie Flakes I can think of plenty more flakier than him, how about Flutie Crisps?

Former wrestler Jesse "The Body" Ventura won election as Minnesota's governor./ I'm not clear is this a step up or down from having an actor as president and does this make Jerry Springer the leading candidate for the next opening as United Nations Secretary General.

I. Corporation of Japan has developed an executive potty. built into a briefcase; the Attache looks like a briefcase but opened presents a seat with attached bowl plus three plastic liners and five bags of congealers./ Obviously built for the executive on the go but be wary of this executive when he informs you "Yeah I have my "shit" right here When asked for an alternative solution people scratched their heads and said "Depends."

Christians aren't welcome in some parts of India./ It seems the Indians were tempted to return Roman procedures of feeding Christians to the lions until it was pointed out that Christians cause indigestion for the lions. This isn't amazing as Christians have been known to cause indigestion in many of us.

Burmese villagers are being rounded up and forced to work on land-clearing projects to boost crop production. The opposition National League for Democracy has accused the military of lying to international agencies when stating there was no forced labour. Welfare recipients in Ontario unfortunately for them seem to be lacking an opposition party that will speak for them Opposing "Workfare"

November 6

Martin Keys is facing charges for stealing 1.5million Mars chocolate bars./ Despite the enormity of the theft there's no suggesting that the jury decide "Life for Mars."

Kim Sang-guk has developed a technology which will transform ashes of the deceased into decorative ceramic beads./ The beads should be light-weight so even if during life the person was a pain in the neck they no longer should be.

Paula Jones lawyers are getting ready to quit hoping Clinton will accept their lower demand of $950,000. Bob Bennett, the president's lawyer says no firm offer has been considered./ I thought it was firm offers that caused the president's trouble in the first place.

Married men keeping mistresses or frequenting prostitutes might be placed in labour camps as punishment under new Chinese laws which wish to bolster marriages and protect women rights./ No word from Hilary Clinton whether she's hoping presidential hubby is rewarded with ambassadorship to China when he's done his presidential duties

Elvis Stojka despite groin pull problems finished first in international competition yesterday night at Skate Canada./ Seems premature all those advertising "Elvis has left the building."

A recent survey suggests that eight out of ten women wear the wrong sized brassieres causing themselves all kinds of woe./ Speaking confidentially I'll confess some bras have caused me "whoa!" On a serious note there's no truth transsexuals go to Dairy Queen for their fittings this has nothing to do with brazier style. Seriously ladies this information distresses me so for your sakes call me I'll come for inspection duty.

A leaked memo on Provincial Conservative Party advertising has appeared with five key points being stressed; the primary point is appeal to emotion over content./ Gee just when you were thinking Goebbels wasn't around anymore.

Viacom's operating capital increased fivefold mostly based video sales of "Titanic"./ Talk about redeeming yourself something that sunk so many causing others presently to float so high.

Hemorrhoids is today's leading occupational hazard./ Talk about work piling up on you.

Fisticuffs almost broke out in France's National Assembly all because of debate on sanctioning homosexual marriages./ Apparently not so "Gay Paree" after all.

November 9

Newt Gingrich resigned as Speaker of the House based upon mid-term election results south of the border/. I guess Newt is the abbreviation of neutered.

Joe Camel faces court action starting today for allegedly attracting children and adolescents to smoking./ I'm waiting for the Swedish swimsuit team to be charged for encouraging me to use the product they endorsed.

John Glenn returned from space not feeling the best but sleeping like a log yesterday night has returned him to normal./ Most of us think we like the idea of traveling but there's nothing more comforting then the old "Lazy Boy."

Prime Minister Chretien plans snubbing Malaysian Prime Minister Mahathir Mohamad while attending the next APEC summit; thereby protesting alleged corruption charges against former deputy prime minister Anwar Ibrahim./ Human rights activists applaud this decision by Chretien but question the confusion the message of him gifting Mohamad with pepper grinders that come with genuine Saskatchewan seal skin bindings as handles.

Ontario Liberal leader, Dalton McGuinty is being targeted in advertising by the provincial Progressive Conservatives in an effort to portray McGuinty in negative light./ No response from the Liberals who thought their leader's name was Dilbert.

Irene Saez, former Venezuelan Miss Universe is a candidate in her country's presidential election./ How refreshing an election where there's more than a boob running for office.

WWF action took place this weekend at SkyDome and today is Lou Ferrigno's birthday./ The relationship between these two tidbits is wrestling is a sport better known for it's acting whereas Ferrigno could be considered a sport that wrestles with acting.

Whitehorse RCMP are searching for a thief who possesses shiny hair and soft skin after a residence was broken into resulting in the disappearance of two bottles shampoo, three bottles conditioner and a bottle of body oil./ Big difference between hirsute and astute.

Friends of Ralph Klein presented him with a 1977 reconditioned Tory blue Volkswagen celebrating his 56th birthday. His first cars in his youth were Volkswagens./ Right-wing politician, beer-hall attendee and Volkswagen driver; no relax this is Canada.

Ilich Ramirez Sanchez (The Jackal) is on a hunger strike in French prison./ Really you'd think the French would know which wine to serve with the pate .

November 10

Dow Corning Corporation is settling class-action suits in Canada based upon their silicon breast implants./ In fairness to Dow so much good came via silicon valley who knew there would be trouble with silicon mountains.

American and Canadian researchers have found women are quicker than males in reporting cases of asthma./ I guess that's because guys are use to wearing pants.

On today's date in 1979 Mississauga evacuated itself because of a train derailment ./ No questions exists in my mind in Canadian orderliness was displayed during the evacuation but all these years later I still don't understand how they talked the people into returning home.

Historically anti-abortion snipers utilize this week to display their sentiments to abortion doctors; despite this Henry Morgentaler will be attending an opening of a new abortion clinic in Fredericton/. Taking such a chance does this make the doctor pro-choice instead of pro-life.

Banff Springs Hotel Golf Course plans to introduce a new hazard compliments Parks Canada-wolves. They've decided on this course because the fairway seems overrun with elk./ Elk? Moose? Shriners? I say "adding wolves should make the game exciting."

Canada's Disaster Assistance Response Team which started taking off Sunday for Honduras helping down there in response to damage caused by Hurricane Mitch will take until November 16th to be fully in place./ Please if you're having a disaster notice would be appreciated.

Science has found some correlation between strip clubs and the performance of the stock market. It seems attending strip parlors raises one's testosterone level; making one more aggressive./ Could explain the Russian economy there's so many strippers emigrating.

A woman driver speeding on Vancouver Island was pulled over in three different communities on the island and issued tickets totalling $863. during the same drive./ I don't know which were more thick, the police, for noticing her plight and indifference; or her for receiving the tickets;/ anyway someone should maybe bring her together with David Letterman.

British tabloids outted Britain's agriculture minister Nicholas Brown causing him to confess to being homosexual./ It's believed Eleanor Caplan may be outted for being Jewish, Alvin Curling for being black and Howard Hampton for being Socialist.

Norwegian Prime Minister Kjell Magne Bondevik is urging men to be less machismo and attempt to be more equal with women./ We would be but those Amazons don't allow us.

November 11

Peter Young, a former Morgan Grenfell Asset Management fund manager now charged with fraud appeared in London court yesterday wearing a beige skirt, red lipstick, high heels, floral frock and clutching a pink handbag./ Young 's lawyer apparently informed him be ready to "address" the charges.

Germany plans to outlaw bribes to foreign officials as a legitimate business expense. This follows industrial European countries agreeing on cracking down bribery in international business./ The logic being if you're going to bribe, bribe your own.

The Taliban warned the United States about persecuting Osama bin Laden suggesting doing so would endanger Americans./ What they'll resort to terrorist activities?

For the second time in two years a conservative group has ruptured from the Southern Baptist Convention./ Could be their accents, they don't realize it's not rupture but rapture they're seeking.

California researchers found stressful activities include driving, housework and watching television; these activities can all emotionally involve you and put unwarranted stress on the heart./ I know the most stressful thing I do is sleep and dream of Cindy Crawford it causes me all sorts of palpitations.

Counterfeiting is on the rise in Newfoundland./ People should recognize them easy enough, the twenty's are marked two tens.

Sara Mclachlan faces charges by Darryl Neudorf that he co-authored four of her hit songs./ If Rita MacNeil faced theses charges we'd know things were over when the fat lady sang, but here?

Rhythm, melody, and harmony stimulate several areas of the brain, suggesting music could be used to help repair everything from damaged speech to damaged emotions./ Based on defining music as possessing rhythm, melody and harmony one can preconclude rap possibly causes vast damage

The Israeli government after earlier denials has confessed to theft of top soil from Lebanon./ In their defense let me suggest perhaps they were too literal misunderstanding the meaning of a yard sale.

Today's Remembrance day the eleventh month, eleventh day, eleventh hour peace was decreed ending the World War./ I think on that; blessed with growing up in peace and wonder which life I appreciated more- the first to gain my freedoms or the poor sap that got killed 10:59.

November 12

An unreleased study, sitting in Jean Rochon, Quebec's health minister hands, documents 120 people died and 3,926 became so sick they required hospitalization within the first ten months of Quebec changing their drug-prescription rules to stop over-consumption./ Truly cuts work and forget overkill.

The prospect of creating a chimpanzee with human perception and consciousness became more possible last week after scientists unveiled a method for creating human primordial cells./ The creation's first words are anticipated to be "Unite the right"

Amway is enjoying great success in Haiti /Very scary what those Amway Voodoo dolls do.

Belgrade's zoo which had fallen upon hard times has an adopt an animal program. The logic being if these animals are going to be kept in a zoo they mustn't be too wild so the animals adopter may take the animal home for a year for the novel experience, domesticate the animal and generate revenue./ No word if Slobodan Milosevic is available for adoption.

O.J. Simpson claiming because his children want him to is attempting to gain their custody./ Give him credit taking another stab at parenthood all the while relentlessly hunting his wife's murderer.

Alberta has a report suggesting the useage of "restorative justice"./ I always felt just another interference in our lives the government having a judicial system.

The research laboratory at Queens University is working on something to assist erectile function and compete against Viagra./ Whatever they discover for marketing purposes I recommend please don't inform the public developed at Queens.

Fifty-eight-year-old Junuske Inoue, a Japanese billiard player , has been banned from participating in next month's Asian Games because he tested positive for the drug methyltestosterone a male hormone that builds muscle. Apparently the drug enhances energy level. Bulky billiard's players not being what you want./ Thanks , Japanese we don't want any dirty pool.

This Christmas's hottest gift idea; belches, flatulates, speaks 200 English words, has it's own unique vocabulary and is called Furby./ For those unable to obtain one may I suggest the closest facsimile adopt a redneck, with patience you'll get their vocabulary to 200 words.

Astronomers are puzzled that a supernova which occurred in the 13th century has no historical mention./ Scientists; Hello we name that time "The Dark Ages".

November 13

New York City operated a crackdown on the sale of cigarettes which has lead to a decline of 66% of sales to minors./ Thank goodness they're making the streets safer; tourism should soar.

San Francisco rates as The States thirteenth largest city but possesses the third largest homeless problem. Politicians watch tourists depart because of nasty weather returning to their roots but they don't understand why the homeless don't return to their residences./ I guess they don't really understand the homelessness problem.

The British tabloid paper The Sun after years of relentless anti-gay reporting announced it would no longer reveal the identity of any gay male or female unless it was overwhelmingly in the public interest./ Owner Rupert Murdoch couldn't be reached for comment as he's vacationing with his houseboy.

In Washington the Secret Service Director is retiring to work in football./ Having worked for Clinton and being exposed to interns should give him insight to passes and tightends.

Toronto Police Chief David Boothby has proposed tough new rules for conducting strip-searches./ Bottom line if the police officer or the searched person enjoys it too much, the search should be terminated.

Ebrahim Qassemi an Irani grape grower has offered his vineyard as a bounty on Salman Rushdie./ How do you label this story; Mister Qassemi you whine too much, sour grapes or grapes of wrath?

Lucianne Goldberg is the literary agent who encouraged Linda Tripp to tape her conversations with Monica Lewinsky./ Scientists have announced they've called off their search for the lowest life form.

Suchomimos tenerensis is the latest dinosaur find; it was the size of a city bus. Directors Steven Speilberg and Oliver Stone are expected to combine efforts to explain about it's life and extinction; I won't say anything further but watch the grassy knoll.

There are many oxymoron's in the English language famous is honest politician, army intelligence and the newest / league leading Toronto Maple Leafs.

In Israel war- preparations go on, as gas masks are issued to citizens because of a possible attack on Iran./ Good news for all Israelis their air has been deemed kosher by the religious right.

November 16

Telemarketing firms are finding it's not only politically attractive but actually advantageous to employ the handicapped./ I personally applaud this and surmise the bulk of their handicapped are the hearing impaired that never hear "No" for an answer

Today the Fraser Institute conference in Vancouver studies the effects of the brain drain on the welfare of Canadians./ No word from the brains when they'll study the brains drain of those on welfare.

Michael Jackson is considering raising $100-million(US) by selling royalties on future music he produces or music he presently owns. He allegedly requires the funds to maintain his lavish lifestyle and payoff child molestation charges./ Michael I don't subscribe to Clockwork Orange but wouldn't money be better spent if you attended electro-shock aversion classes.

The Santa Claus parade was this weekend./ There's no truth to the rumors Mike Harris showed up trying to steal Christmas at least supposedly no truth.

Ted Turner is quite serious about running for president./ Mister Turner may I suggest it's considerably cheaper buying a president then buying the presidency consider asking Ross Perot. or the Chinese if you question my veracity.

Joe Clark is back as leader of the federal Progressive Conservative party./ The perfect wedding present something old, borrowed and blue all inclusive.

Paula Jones who had been looking for an apology from American President Bill Clinton settled her lawsuit for $850,000.(US) / At least ways her nose wasn't out of joint about the settlement.

Lucien Bouchard appeared with a double chin on his party's 1998 booklet summarizing four years in power, current pamphlets, posters and billboards are minus the second chin. C'est tragic the return of Ebola?

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani's quality-of-life campaign is attacking cigarette butt and chewing gum discarders with summonses and tickets./ It's believed in some quarters Giuliani is planning a future run at the presidency. No not the American the Singaporian.

Maple tree farmers report the production of syrup should be down this year./ Personally I'm amazed there seems to be a record amount of sap.

November 17

A Barcelona court set a precedent; convicting and jailing a bookshop owner for five years for denying the Holocaust promoting racism and anti-Semitism ./ Franco must be feeling restless.

Vice-president Al Gore speaking in Malaysia spoke for democracy/ This represents the first time the vice-president stunned an audience with content over delivery.

Molson Brewery is introducing an exclusively Torontoian beer called Toronto's Own./ It will possess the rich taste of Bay St. but several will leave you homeless.

The federal government budget surplus is expected to be $10-Billion. Finance Minister Paul Martin suggests he'd like to provide tax cuts but only to help the poor./ A novel approach

Eaton's chief executive George Kosich has quit after eighteen months at the job./ I guess he wishes to claim his pension while Eaton's still has "Money back, satisfaction guaranteed as their slogan.

Tonight is debate night in the Quebec election and Charest must prove himself more Quebecois than Bouchard./ Perhaps if he blew up the federal parliament buildings with all the federal members. No, no that would indicate he sympathizes with Canadians.

Prince Charles celebrated his fiftieth birthday with nobility from around the world on Saturday./ The collection of Queens exceeded anything found in local gay bars.

Physicians are being told they have a duty to inform the public of the benefits of drinking. Statisticians estimate $50-Billion savings for health plans if every adult drank two drinks every day/. I've subscribed to this theory for a long time unfortunately some people seem to want to take all the dosage at once and are caught up until the year2050.

Livent which is North America's largest live theatre producer is seeking bankruptcy protection as it's 230-million in debt. Their next production Phantom of the Revenue.

New Democrats are losing their fear of big business a top official within the Saskatchewan NDP stated yesterday after the party soundly defeated a motion that banned corporate donations./ Unfortunately for the New Democrats they've lost their fear of big business; big business hasn't lost their fear of New Democrats.

November 18

Jean Chretien was embarrassed by American Vice-president Al Gore's remarks bashing Malaysia limited freedoms./ Apparently the Prime Minister was upset with being peppered with questions about his lack of support.

Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra married this weekend./ If a baby occurs this would be a boon for scientists wishing to study genetic morphing or something.

Craig Lesak, former boyfriend of Olympic skating star Brian Orser has launched a $300,000. lawsuit for palimony alleging the former figure skater promised he'd always support him./ Terrible to think Orser might be a cheap skate.

New medical study finds Hitler wasn't madman just evil./ At last a logical explanation.

Former Nazi SS captain Erich Priebke was jailed yesterday after Italy's highest court rejected his last-ditch appeal against a life sentence for partaking in the country's worst World War Two atrocity./ Cheer up Priebke at 85 how long can a life sentence be?

Studies by Statistics Canada found those who can operate a fax earn more on average than those who operate computers even though computers are considered more technically challenging./ Could this possibly explain income differences between CEO's and drones?

In the United States a survey commissioned by their Justice and Health and Human Service departments found nationwide violence is the normal way; with half of all women and two-thirds of all men saying they've been physically assaulted./ Truly the home of the free and the very brave.

Peel Regional Police will be holding a banquet to honor ten police officers who displayed diligence in catching drunken drivers. We surmise the banquet comes with open bar.

Daily ridership on Toronto's Transit Commission vechiles has increased to 1.4million. David Gunn suggests people avoiding the hassles of driving and the expense of parking downtown./ Perhaps he's right; my suspicion is homeless people looking for a place to go where they're not accused of loitering

Locked-out teachers in York Region are holding what the union refers to as a "community outreach day" ; which means they're going door to door to solicit support for their fight with the local board of education./ If they wish to increase their popularity maybe they should take copies of the Watchtower magazine with them.

November 19

A ticker tape parade was held this week in New York to honour John Glenn and his fellow astronauts./ Mayor Rudolph Giuliani showing the toughness he's known for; immediately after the parade busted Glenn, holding him responsible for the litter.

New York's main public library reopened after being closed for renovations; which included murals overhead that showed a blue sky./ This is believed to be the first sighting of a blue sky for New Yorkers since the Indians sold them the island of Manhattan.

Skating superstar Brian Orser stated an ex-boyfriend's $300,000. palimony lawsuit came as a "total shock" as he'd never acknowledged "his gayness"./ Hard to figure out who's more shocked Orser for the lawsuit or the public for finding out we supposedly don't think all male single figure skaters besides Elvis are gay.

Apparently there's need for controlling the deer population in provincial parks because they're so prolific. The World Wildlife Fund, the Ontario Federation of Anglers and Hunters and Natural Resources Minister John Snobelen agree hunting the deer may be the best solution, less painful to die from a bullet then starvation./ I'd agree with the minister except I've not heard his solution for the homeless .

An affidavit filed by lawyer Fred Toole concerning an airplane conversation with Solicitor General Andy Scott about the Spraypec Affair contradicts Scott's sworn version./ A lying politician; what next a gay figure skater?

Karen Valley left a prosthetic arm in her knapsack which got stolen, fortunately for her two Good Samaritans discovered it tossed in a trash barrel./ Just another case of arm robbery.

Up to half a million prostitutes may soon be able to claim for unemployment benefits, state pensions and other employee rights according to Christine Bergmann, the country's new Social Democratic family minister. For unemployment benefits I'm sure they'll be required to prove they were "layed "off.

The number of depressed Canadians is rising./ Good It's not just me who has problems with the present governments.

Pauline Hanson's racist, right-wing party might lose its only seat in Australia's parlaiment because the party's candidate is British./ How do you spell irony?

Jailed terrorist Ilich Ramirez Sanchez (The Jackal) is suing the French government for their attempts to assinate him./ Hunger strike; now this, no more murders but really killing time.

November 20

Kenya, Namibia and Nepal joined forces to gift the United Nations with a 7,000-pound bronze sculptured elephant. The replication is complete; the elephant possesses a twenty-three-inch penis./ Madeline Albright, American ambassador to the United Nations had considered resigning her position but apparently after viewing the elephant has reversed herself.

Arrests of young Americans for murder and violent crime is down for the third year consecutively./ What's scary about this number; those that report it don't say crime proportionately is down

A 660-pound black bear is creating anxiety in western Romania having killed six cows and seven sheep./ The farmer's concern is understandable what are they suppose to do now for sex?

At the box-office Adam Sandler's The Waterboy is Canada's Number one comedy./ Kind of makes you wish to emigrate?

It's Grey Cup Weekend./ Consider that a public service announcement.

Albina Guarnieri private member's bill consecutive sentencing for rapists and murders has the support of over 90% Canadians; meaning criminals like Bernardo would serve 100years./ Call me a bleeding heart but if he doesn't learn his lesson in eighty years….

The skeleton of a German man was found in his apartment in front of a broken television, Christmas tree lights beside were flashing and a TV guide for December 5, 1993 was found upon his lap./ Apparently the guide had a Paulie Shore movie circled so we know he didn't die laughing.

Ontario is opening the country's first government office dedicated to preserving and enhancing victims' rights./ No word how many cases the Harris government expects against themselves.

Van Gogh's painting artist without a beard fetched $71-million(U.S.)/ Only if he were alive to hear the news.

Child poverty is "a national disgrace" and eliminating it must be a top priority, Finance Minister Paul Martin says./ Very good sir, any chance you might find the government in power might have certain responsibilities in assisting it's eradication?

November 23

The Massachusetts Bay Transportation System is removing posters advertising the remake of Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho; this after receiving complaints from creeped out commuters./ You'd think an area that provided the world the Kennedy's wouldn't have a disgusted index.

Crime Commissioner Jim Brown has resigned but still receives a lot of flak about his remarks regarding the Santa Claus Parade and hookers./ In his defense let me suggest he was just repeating what he had heard, The Santa Claus parade was an opportune day for "the guy providing the Ho's."

The Bank of Montreal and Royal countering negativity about their merger have pledged reduction in service charges, more qualified customer service staff, increasing number of branches and dedication to rural and small business customers./ If they added a promise to tax only the rich I'd believe their trying to form the next New Democrat government somewhere.

A private drama instructor has been charged with sexually assaulting three female students ;the teacher allegedly took the pupils to a back room stating this was part of their acting class./ If found guilty the instructor only acting is expected to be acting as a bitch for a guy called Grande Maricone.

Chinese Premier Zhu Rongji apparently undeterred by Prime Minister Chretien's strong human-rights stance, applauded Canada yesterday as China's best friend./ Apparently Premier Zhu must know about "Peppergate".

Premier Bouchard has vowed to fight the federal government for intrusions./ Unfortunately for Jean Charest it comes to late to do him any good.

Livent stock plunged to a dime./The thing that old man river must know is its ragtime's.

There were 6300 deaths in Canada because of Colon and rectum cancers; the majority, 3400, killed males./ So despite what women say the evidence proves men have bigger problems with a..holes.

Canadian Immigration officials are keeping out foreign criminals./ This can only mean finally the domestic market has provided sufficient.

Samuel Dash has resigned as Kenneth Starr's ethics adviser protesting Starr is an aggressive advocate for Clinton's impeachment./ We figured Starr wouldn't be keen on ethics advise; believing much better to give than receive..

November 24

The newest scout handbook is out and like its predecessors warns "be prepared", however there are some major changes. The first handbook warned coffee and tea were dangerous stimulants by the 1980's the scouts were warned about heroin and crack, early editions offered merit badges in rabbit-raising and "nut culture" however keeping current and their motto "be prepared" a merit badge may be rewarded for converting a water balloon into a condom.

Andy Scott finally submitting to pressure has resigned as Solicitor-General./ In retirement he's expected to find plenty of time for reading; presumably Fear of Flying and Silence of the Lambs maybe not for content but because of their titles should attract his attention.

Art Eggleton, the defense minister is seeking $700-million for military families. There's currently 60,000 military personnel so this works out to $11,666. each which would double most salaries./ What happened Defense Minister' someone holding a rifle to your head?

Blue Jays manager Tim Johnson has confessed his stories about serving in Vietnam were falsehoods./ Apparently rather than being exposed to agent orange he experienced Orange County perhaps a more frightful experience.

President Bill Clinton who can still face impeachment procedures stated privately he still suffers over the Lewinsky Affair./ However he wouldn't elaborate exactly what Hilary has subjected him to.

Aaron Benditt finally is serving jail time for paddling behinds .On three separate occasions of multiple assault charges previously Benditt received conditional discharges or suspended sentences. After prison time you can only hope he comes out with a brand spanking new attitude.

A Bangkok man depressed by his inability to keep his three wives from friction committed suicide./ Just one of the big a mystery's of life.

A Waterloo woman wearing an artificial head and bulky costume was saved from injury after being dragged five metres when four miniature horses and a colt pulling a wagon got spooked at a Santa Claus parade./ Proving two heads are better than one.

A man the Immigration and Refugee Board acknowledges is probably guilty of tax-fraud won't be deported back to his native China for there he'd be executed./ In fairness to the Chinese I recommend an exchange give them an executive guilty here of the same thing.

Robert Latimer the Saskatchewan farmer who killed his severely disabled daughter in what he contends was "mercy killing" has been sentenced to life in prison with no chance of parole for minimum ten years. In the United States Jack Kevorkian appears on television doing the deed./ Please discuss amongst yourselves cultural differences.

November 25

Gar Emerson chairman of the audit committee of Livent is resigning minus any explanation effective Monday./ One wonders does Livent produce more drama or produce more dramas.

Karl "Mailman" Malone wants to be traded./ Apparently he doesn't want to ring twice and after thirteen years he's established there's really no Jazz in Utah.

Roots has signed to sponsor three more games with the Canadian Olympic Association and is expecting a licensing agreement with the NHL./ I'm looking forward to those berets replacing helmets.

Thousands of Palestinians were delighted yesterday as Palestine Airlines touched down at Gaza International Airport as they viewed the exercise as indication their homeland was moving closer to statehood./ Unfortunately for the Palestinians immediately after landing the aircraft was hijacked.

Premier Harris approved the spending of $300million for the hiring of 1000 more police, this despite all statistics indicating crime rates going downward. Apparently the Premier feels his policies might require him having more protection then originally anticipated

Two sons of a dead mobster were arrested yesterday for murder./ Always nice to see family businesses flourishing..

In response to sense of humour, sounding like a leader, looking leader like, caring about average Quebecois, making a smooth transition to provincial politics, possessing dynamic personality and having honesty and integrity Bouchard scored higher marks than Charest. in the most recent poll in Quebec./ Charest however did Bouchard hands down in having the cutest curls.

Don "Grapes" Cherry fired his head coach after their hockey team the Mississauga Ice Dogs produced only one win within twenty-three games thus far/ Consolation if coming must be in knowing at least the team is labeled appropriately.

$417,000 has been spent on beefing up security at the Prime Minister's residence./ I'm sure we all knew those Eskimo soapstone carvings didn't come cheap.

Beijing has made it official it's bidding for the 2008 Olympic Games./ If they ever win their bid I fear the games will be permanently there as every four years you'll feel you want them there.

November 26

A Chinese peasant has been jailed twenty years for killing three pandas/ In his defense he found they tasted like chicken.

Exxon and Mobil Corporations are talking merger./ Gas pains expected result.

A Glasgow University study has concluded one in fifteen people in Britain suffer from heart-attacks with only half the people knowing it./ Seems the most fatal thing for these people would be seeing a doctor.

Canadians spent in 1993 $12.2million on back pain pills; by 1997 these numbers jumped to $20.6million./ Imagine how much we'd pay to get rid of that lower pain known affectionately as politicians.

Brian Mulroney is taking golfing lessons in order to go with George Bush./ Always sad to see a former athlete with diminishing abilities competing whether it be Roberto Duran or Guy LaFleur but saddest has to be seeing our former Prime Minister believing he's wanted for more than caddie.

Doctor Kevorkian has been charged with first-degree murder charges in Michigan after the prosecutor reviewed the videotaped mercy-killing of a terminally ill patient aired on 60 minutes./ Apparently prior to the show the prosecutor's office thought some bigots were upset that Kevorkian helped children over in China only now have they discovered what all the noise of euthanasia was.

Augusto Pinochet (whose turning 83 today) lost his first battle against extradition to Spain to face charges of torture and genocide./ Two words Senor Pinochet "Happy Birthday"! One dictator down; how many to go?

Farmers facing their worst crisis since the Great Depression may get $400-million from Ottawa./ Unfortunately for hog farmers the only white meat that holds attraction is Bill Clinton and that's only by Kenneth Starr.

Manitoba Premier Gary Filmon's government faces charges of organizing a vote-splitting scheme with the Premier's role being mostly questioned as he seems to admit to feeling something was wrong but expressed no desire to know the facts./ Apparently in fairness the Filmon family crest bears the three monkeys.

A federal crackdown has found companies selling olive oil and extra-virgin olive oil were substituting vegetable and sunflower oils./ The biggest giveaway was in the extra-virgin oil they found a condom.

November 27

Beginning next year Russian newspapers, books and magazines will undergo mandatory health inspections to determine whether they meet stringent requirements set by government bureaucrats. Print shouldn't be too small nor columns too close as eyesight could be damaged. Substandard ink could get on the reader's hands, contaminate food and even enter the bloodstream./ Very noble concerns I'm sure but caused only because of their misunderstanding how "the pen is mightier than the sword."

Researchers believe they have discovered fossil evidence of the world's oldest flower, a 142-million-year-old spindly twig with pea-pod-shaped fruit and a woody stem that looks nothing like a rose, apple blossom or daisy./ It's believed the flower was presented to one of the Gabor sisters by one of their early suitors.

Canada was roundly criticized at a United Nations rights hearing yesterday for balancing its budget by "bringing about a very harmful, a very inhumane social and economic revolution." Among criticisms leveled were that provincial Workfare programs violate the international covenant on economic, social and cultural rights./ Hello Messers Martin and Harris; move over Senor Pinochet.

A&P will dismiss 435 workers from it's west-end Toronto bakery./ It seems the company doesn't care Christmas is coming and these people knead dough.

There will be stringent rules regarding police chases in Ontario. Included changes consist of restricting police chases to certain areas and specific crimes, banning pursuits in residential neighborhoods, providing helicopters, spike belts and stop sticks, stiffer penalties for offenders/ and if the automobile is like a old Pinto or Nova or Lada immediate approval granted and conversely if it's a Jaguar or Corvette forget about it

Japan is still refusing to apologize about its' wartime past./ Perhaps it feels America was culpable for not notifying them in advance of their Marshall Plan where the Japanese would conquer the world without shooting.

In baseball Mo Vaughn signed a contract worth $80million and Bernie Williams signed for $87.5million, these players are just two of a growing contingent making over $13million a year in American funds. Our government is being asked to subsidize our sports teams/ I think players should be subsidizing our government.

Zimbabwe's former president, Canaan Banana, who was found guilty of sodomy yesterday, has reportedly fled the country./ Backing up this perception is in response to his location family sources claim "He just buggered off."

According to Keith Green a professor of ophthalmology there's a fallacy marijuana cures glaucoma. He alleges you'd have to consume a marijuana cigarette every two hours for it to have medical benefits./ I personally don't understand his point are people refusing their dosage?

Schools have been given the right to search students./ What a bonus for gym teachers.

November 30

Lucien Bouchard claims he's no Satan. However his doctor won't confirm or deny the foot removed from him was indeed a cloven hoof. Meanwhile Quebecois vote today; their choices being a separatist government that will milk Ottawa for all it can under the threat of separation or a federalist government that will milk Ottawa for all it can get under the threat of a separatist government being elected.

Today is Dick Clark's 69th birthday./ There's no truth to the story he was the inspiration for Oscar Wilde's "Portrait of Doriam Gray."

Vickie Speir claims she's an animal lover but despite that she breeds deformed felines./ In fairness to Ms. Speir apparently she's very active in volunteering at the local senior's home where she substitutes itching powder for detergent in the laundry and Ex-lax for chocolate in the kitchen.

Patrizia Reggiani the wife of Maurizio Gucci, the last family member to head the fashion label, was found guilty of organizing his murder. She was given a 29-year jail sentence./ Inspired by her situation it's expected she'll develop a thinning striped fashion statement.

Illustrating the terrible tragedy which would occur if the Toronto Star owned the Toronto Sun The Sun moved the Sunshine Girl from page three to the recesses of page ten./ Imagine having to wade through news first "those bastards".

J.C. Watts former Argonaut quarterback is gaining lots of press for being the highest ranking black republican in the United States./ Who even knew there was black Republicans.

Lava spewed from Popocatepetl volcano near Mexico City yesterday. Seismologists and volcanologists expect the eruptions to present no danger./ Actually everything going well some pollution may get burned off.

British Columbia's unite-the-right movement is flourishing despite being leaderless./ In related news scientists have discovered cockroaches may survive nine days after it's head has been removed.

A convicted sexual offender that experienced chemical castration as part of his probation, has pleaded guilty to a whole new series of sexual crimes./ I guess it's more than just a good man you can't keep down.

The Christian Brothers of Mount Cashel orphanage seem to be reneging on their commitment to compensate their victims of sexual abuse./ .It seems after you develop a taste for screwing it's difficult to stop.

December 1

Today is the one-year anniversary of Latrell Sprewell's choking of his coach./ In honour of the event it looks like the whole NBA season may be choked.

Some people are upset with Toronto Blue Jays manager Tim Johnson for lying about his past regarding serving over in Viet Nam./ I guess some people feel politicians have exclusivity in this area.

Give the Devil his due, er give credit to Lucifer; pardon moi, that should read Lucien Bouchard reelected with majority.

It seems Chrysler Canada's president died of a heart attack. / Some people are always cynical upon hearing news like this figuring CEO's don't possess hearts.

A British backpacker who accidentally strolled into North Korea was released this weekend by authorities who had arrested him for spying./ In fairness to the Koreans no violation of the Geneva rules for POWs occurred as they kept him regularly fed on their national dish trees.

Bob White is retiring as president of the Canadian Labour Congress./ No word what he'll be striking out at.

A boy was discovered bound with duct tape hanging upside down from a washroom hook./ Apparently responsible for the situation were a couple children not quite clear on how to play Batman.

A judge ruled yesterday Sheridan Stewart's placing of a client on a spit and basting him with garlic butter was an act of prostitution not domination./ Prostitution? Domination? sounds half-baked to me.

Tiger Woods is visiting South Africa and is giving positive impressions all around./ This is the first time for many blacks to see a club not being used on them.

Babe: Pig in the City is doing terrible box- office./ I expected this, pork currently is depressed..

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