Here's What's What

The News - Simmertime and the Jokes make me Queasy

June 03

This weekend marked the start of World Cup soccer action. / For those familiar with baseball’s World Series there’s several subtle differences, the first one springing to mind is the World actually participates.

Buckingham Palace was the scene of fire yesterday night. / The British always masters of understatement had promised a hot time for the Queen’s Jubilee.

In Canada, Finance Minister Paul Martin, who had stolen heavily from Conservative and Reform Parties ideas over the years, has been demoted to backbencher by the Prime Minister. / One is wont to suggest Martin was stabbed in the back for his leadership aspirations but he’s showing signs of more prickling than a porcupine at an acupuncturist demonstration.

A court fined French rapper Joey Starr 9,750 euros after he hit his pet monkey on television, sparking a storm of protest from animal rights activist/ Silly moi, I thought "spank the monkey" meant something suggestive not literal.

Lance Bass, a member of the hugely popular U.S. boy band 'N Sync said Friday he had won the preliminary go-ahead from doctors to become the first pop star in space. / Fans of music are not sure whether they're more disappointed the whole band isn't going or that Bass plans to return from space.

Kathleen Kennedy Townsend is running to be Maryland's governor. / When questioned about her experience, Kathleen Kennedy Townsend stated, "I'll let my name speak for itself, at least the middle one.

Forty-five Sudanese who hoped to make a better life for themselves in Libya perished during a desert crossing into the neighboring North African country/ I’ve no idea is my sympathy for these people greater because of their death or because they thought Libya would be a better life.

Italy's justice ministry said Saturday it was sending investigators to Sicily after eight convicted Mafia members were freed on a legal technicality. / According to the judge that freed them, the legal technicality that freed them was, "I'm afraid for my life."

Saturday marked the anniversary of 1958’s election of Charles de Gaulle as premier of France. / Of course those that study the French claim they’ve always been known to have "de gall."

Sadly Sunday was the day in 1941, when baseball's "Iron Horse," Lou Gehrig, died in New York of a degenerative disease. / Possibly, one of life’s great irony’s later it was diagnosed as Lou Gehrig disease.

June 04

Elizabeth 11’s Jubilee Celebrations continued last night with entertainment from many of rock’s elite. / There was a moment of confusion during the ceremonies when the emcee announced, "May I present Queen:" people were unsure whether he was referring to the rock group, the monarch or Elton John.

Federal Liberal cabinet ministers have moved quickly to curb dissent within the party. / I won’t say they’re going overboard, but on Sparks Street, Wicked Wanda’s Home of Bondage and Discipline reports an unprecedented sale of gags and whips.

President Bush and American intelligence agencies are under attack for mishandling warnings that came last summer. In fairness to these agencies perhaps it should be pointed out they’re to intelligence what McDonald’s is to hamburgers.

Closing arguments wrapped up in the Connecticut trial of Michael Skakel accused of the 1975 beating death of Martha Moxley. Skakel, a nephew of Ethel Kennedy could face 25 years to life in prison. / Is it politically incorrect to wonder what's going through Mary Jo Kopechne parent's minds right now?

World Cup Soccer action continues, with most games low-scoring affairs. / Commenting former President Clinton inquired, Why’d anybody compete in a low-scoring affair?

In the United States three federal judges overturned a government attempt to protect children from porn by withholding subsidies from public libraries that fail to install filtering software. The judges claim they're just upholding free speech. / Damn those judges; where were they when I was a child?

Carl Roberts a child molester in Okaloosa County voluntarily had surgical castration. Roberts believes the surgery has succeeded in ''draining away'' his troublesome urges. / If nothing else Roberts should find it an eunuch experience.

A Newark man, Sergio Bayangos, who recently received his learner's permit, accidentally backed a car into his wife, knocking her down and then ran over her. / Commenting from her hospital bed, the wife said, "I knew I should've been more careful, he's constantly has rear-ended me."

About 200 people, four dogs and one cat attended a candlelight vigil Monday night to honour Adonis, an orange tabby cat who was tortured and killed at Silver Lake, Connecticut in February. / Granted that sounds like a large attendance but actually works out to only 22 people per each of the cat's lives.

James Russell dropped a small bag of pot while paying $74.80 in parking fines. Cops then searched him and found 46 packets of crack cocaine with a street value in excess of $1,000 on him. / Possibly, Russell confused traffic court with being courted to be trafficking

June 05

Since July 2000 Nortel shares have tumbled, knocking $385-billion off the company’s stock- market value. / Company directors said "$385-billion; doesn’t make our seven-figure-incomes sound like a pittance now doesn’t it?

A committee of Roman Catholic bishops said from now on, any minister who sexually abuses a minor should be defrocked. / Pardon my ignorance, isn’t the problem started by defrocking?

A dam has collapsed in Syria resulting in heavy damage and loss of life. / Of course in the Mid-East if it’s not one dam thing than it’s another.

Kansas after nearly seven decades has struck down legislation that banned Asian immigrants from inheriting property. / This is why when Dorothy proclaim, "we’re not in Kansas" the Orientals in the audience usually respond with a chorus of, "Hallelujahs!"

Scientists that linked sooty air pollution with higher death rates have lowered their estimate of the risk posed by bad-air days. / It’s believed we owe a large thank you to the scientists and their employer-the coal industry.

Conway S.C. High School salutatorian Chris Martin received his diploma a week after school officials interrupted his Chris Farley-like humorous graduation speech; deeming it inappropriate. / Sorry Chris, sometimes you're number two and sometimes they treat you like number two.

In Kingston Ontario Robin Mercer almost missed her prom this week when Tom Taylor, principal of Sharbot Lake High School, informed her that she aged 37 would not be allowed to attend the prom because she was too old. / I fully understand the principal's thinking; at 37-years-old, you should be a teacher and seducing students not going to proms with them.

Police say Christian teacher Laurie Mosher, 39-years-old, had sex with a 17-year-old boy nine times on a day when her husband was gone. During police questioning, Mosher sat on the floor and cried uncontrollably saying the news would ruin her family and end her job. Sex nine times in one day? I say lady, verily thee have the power to raiseth the dead.

Thirty-five years ago today, what became known as the Six-Day War started in the Mid-East. / Things haven't changed to drastically since then, at the time Arabs stated, "We'll end our troubles by driving the Israeli into the Red Sea; now Arabs see red and blame all their troubles on the Israeli.

A Norwegian cab company has found business brisk since it began handing out free condoms with every ride. / They’ve even reintroduced that old tire commercial jingle, "We’re there when the rubber meets the road."

June 06

America’s National Security Agency has launched a poster campaign attack against terrorism. One of the posters reads Information Security Begins With You another reads He’s watching you. / I’m not sure but I think most Americans would prefer security start with their intelligence agencies and instead of him watching you, that he was watching them.

Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson have called off their engagement. / I’m so disappointed, I was waiting to hear all the speculation on why they were divorcing.

American Air Force Lieutenant-Colonel Steve Butler has been suspended and faces court martial for writing a newspaper that President Bush knew in advance of the September 11th attacks and did nothing because he needed the war to bolster a presidency "going nowhere." / Thank God for the war on terrorism and the protection of freedom of speech.

In World Cup Soccer action the Americans pulled a stunning upset defeat by winning against Portugal. / Personally I like to believe it was through American hard word; not that they intimidated the Portuguese by suggesting how it easy it would be to find Muslim terrorists there.

New Democrat Party leader, Alexa McDonough, has resigned her leadership stating, "In this particular climate, I think an important attribute of leadership is knowing when to pass the torch." / Of course she received praise from most members of parliament including both Chretien and Clark; though both asked later for a translation of her speech.

Boxing champion Lennox Lewis who had stated he’d retire after defeating Mike Tyson this weekend is already reconsidering. / I guess he’s waiting to see if the urge bites him.

Prime Minister John Howard of Australia has joined President Bush in opposing the Kyoto Protocol stating it would harm the economy. / Who knew the economy was so driven by the emphysema, asthma and funeral businesses?

All grades at a Florida high school are being re-examined after a junior admitted hacking into the school's computer and changing about 20 classmates' grades for $5. / This student needs to be fully reprimanded doesn't he see there's no future in this; charging only $5.

Last March actress Jane Fonda announced with considerable fanfare that she was donating $12.5 million to Harvard's Graduate School of Education to fund a Center on Gender and Education and Harvard’s inaction has miffed Fonda. / Personally I can think of no higher calling than researching gender's centers at least close to 1/2 the populaces so Ms. Fonda please reconsider where you're sending your donation, and not to be too self-congratulatory you'll find endowments here mean something.

Japanese police today arrested a woman on the northernmost island of Hokkaido after the body of her husband, who had been missing for five years, was found in a discarded freezer, a police spokesman said. / I understand the woman is expected to testify that last time she saw him, he said something about finding out whether the fridge light goes off when you close the door.

June 07

President Bush has pushed to set-up a new department for homeland defense, it will employ 170,000 people and have a budget of $37-billion. / While in truth this department may not make America anymore secure it should allow for the hiring of many Republican cronies at multi-million dollar salaries.

Yasser Arafat displayed the damage Israeli forces did to his compound in response to the bus bombing the previous day. / On the other hand Arafat’s interior decorator was trying to hide his exuberance, "Praise Allah, a redecorating job so soon after the last one."

Stung by criticism it misled people making donations for September 11th victims, the American Red Cross announced more accountability. / While accountability and honesty are desirable I believe they're overcompensating by reporting Tessa Trueheart your $10. donation purchased Joan Downtrodden thirty cans of Campbell's Soup after she was burnt out of her home.

In an unprecedented move, the American government is again allowing sales of Lotronex a drug that was pulled off the market after causing seven deaths - heeding the pleas of patients suffering from irritable bowel syndrome. / Something is wrong when shit-disturbers are heeded over common sense.

It's a heavy sports weekend with Venus and Sarena Williams facing each other for the French Open, Mike Tyson and Lennox Lewis battling for boxing supremacy and War Emblem going for the Triple Crown. / All these participants should make great money whether they win or lose however is it horse sense, only War Emblem has the best retirement package?

Superior Court Judge Elden Fox said Thursday that there was sufficient cause for actress Winona Ryder to be tried on charges of second-degree burglary, grand theft, vandalism and possession of a controlled substance. / I believe this is called a lose, lose situation. If she beats the charges it's because she acted innocent; if she loses, she couldn't act innocent.

A guy was arrested in Thailand, who liked to make fires for a very bizarre reason: the sound of police sirens put him into sexual ecstasy. / Hmn, would this be considered alarming behaviour?

As of yesterday, pigs living in Indian region Gurgaon are prohibited to walk about the streets and get together in groups. / Just a case of "Holy Mullah" cows misinterpreting their scriptures and making life miserable for all.

British scientists decided to carry out an investigation to find out, which is a better liar, men or women; their investigation revealed, women are more effective in lies than men. / Wait a moment, were these British scientists male or female? Were they really British? Did they actually research?

Tomorrow is the anniversary of June 8, 632, the day the prophet Mohammed died. / Many Muslims forget his final words, "Whatever you choose, don't fight with them Jews, for it will be bad news and lead you to singing the Blues. "

June 10

The United Nations has vowed to renew its fight against hunger claiming there are 800-million starving worldwide. / Who knew there were so many super-models?

Iran’s constitutional watchdog, The Guardian Council has rejected as unconstitutional and contrary to Islamic sharia laws a bill banning torture. / It’s believed the Guardian Council will start with the rack, move to Chinese Water Torture before getting seriously around to dragging and quartering the liberal, Western thinking Satanists that wished to pass such outrageous legislation.

Rioting broke out in Moscow after their team lost 1-0 to Japan. / Apparently order was restored with the promise of French referees for the next match.

Over the weekend in boxing action, Lennox Lewis annihilated Mike Tyson. / Both camps agree, Tyson never had a biting chance.

Pakistan and India have scaled back their war rhetoric after a weekend of intense international pressure. / Seems for every Indian migrant there’s the guarantee of employment as a taxi driver and for every Pakistani there’s the management-training program at Seven-Eleven.

Israeli Forces raided Arafat’s compound early this morning. / Israeli officials admitted there was no particular reason today, "we just enjoy pummelling the prick."

In the United States sharply reduced education spending has fifteen of the States introducing four-day school weeks in their rural areas. / Remember when cutting class was something students did, not school boards?

In tennis action, Sarena beat sister Venus Williams, thereby winning the French Open. / It turns out the sisters aren’t from South America; so why do people tell me Amazon women are dominating tennis?

In the Czech election, Christian Democrats are handing out free shots of plum brandy at their rally, meanwhile the Communist countered by having topless women handing out their literature. / I’m betting the Christian Democrats as usually a straight beats a pair.

Today in 1935, Alcoholics Anonymous was founded in Akron, Ohio. / Such a glorious notion, if only all alcoholics were anonymous.

June 11

Former Beatle Paul Mc Cartney and Heather Mills wed today. / I’m not sure "Love is all you need" having not witnessed the prenuptial.

Fourteen-year-old Utah teenager, Elizabeth Smart is still missing. / I hate to ask the obvious; they’re from Utah, have all the wives been contacted?

Canada has a new law, Bill C-15A that prevents perverts from luring children using the Internet. / Perverts will have to stay with the old-fashioned way being Roman Catholic priests or gym teachers.

The Americans have foiled a supposed "dirty bomb attack." / Apparently so dirty the newscast came with an R-rating.

Mafia Kingpin, John Gotti died yesterday in prison. / Most recently seventeen members of his family had joined him in jail; sorry I just happen to believe spending too much time with family can kill you.

Nineteen people have died in Saudi Arabia from drinking cologne laced with poisonous methanol. / Such a colossal waste of life, seven-up with cologne and coffee with poisonous methanol.

The French have been eliminated from World Cup action in the first round. This is the first time defending champions have been bounced so fast in over forty years. / In fairness, the French were using the Maginot Line defense.

Online Personals is becoming a real growth business, with revenues from it just starting to be recognised claim various sources including Yahoo. / My personal dating experience is, if the lady you encounter reports her back is killing her, most likely her front will be killing you.

A fire at a Singapore office has turned into a grisly murder case with charges being filed against an Indonesian maid for stabbing her employer and her employer's daughter before dousing the room with petrol. / I blame the women's liberation movement; in the old days you could count on the butler doing it.

The 78 McDonald's outlets in Hawaii have begun test-marketing a breakfast meal that consists of egg, rice and Spam. / The speculation is, if Spam works, McDonald's will try putting meat in their burgers next.

June 12

Britain’s Queen Elizabeth, has vowed to open her purse to the public. / Apparently the British public wish to see if like her mom she carries a bottle of a gin and if she also scoops after her corgis poops.

American Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld arrived in New Delhi saying he wasn’t a peace negotiator but only carrying American ideas for calming the dispute between India and Pakistan. / He added, "In with the good air out with the bad, ohm."

The fact he’s getting $100,000 for speaking has some Americans critical that former New York Mayor Rudi Giuliani is cashing in on September 11th. / When asked to comment, Giuliani said, "Let’s see the $100,000 first. Bradenton, Florida is where Suzanne Vasquez's life "completely changed" after a 13-pound country ham fell on her head at the Cortez Road Wal-Mart Supercenter, her husband testified. / I always felt Wal-Mart was excessive, first the greeters and now they're porking a customer?

In Laporte Indiana a 12-year-old boy grounded and was supposed to stay in his bedroom and think about what he had done. Instead, he sneaked outside to a nearby train station, hopped onto an Amtrak train and hung onto the outside of a passenger car for more than 30 miles before getting off. / Would you call this a case of a parent's training getting derailed?

In California a 29-year-old Taiwanese national told police he had performed about 50 castrations before his kitchen-table operation on a 48-year-old Birmingham man went wrong. Now, police are trying to figure out whether a crime was committed. / Police aren't saying the castrator is arrogant nevertheless he seemed cocksure.

In Golden, Colorado a 7-foot-long bronze rainbow trout sculpture was part of a group of three mounted along the city's river walk along the banks of Clear Creek. The police are reporting it stolen and suspect a college-prank. / However, I subscribe to the theory Father's Day is coming, what do you give he father that has everything?

In Dunedin, Florida Randall Konarik, has been charged with animal cruelty on the suspicion that he killed a peacock, then cut off the bird's wings, claws and feathers and stuck the carcass in his freezer for a later meal. / Meanwhile from the corporate offices of CBS and ABC Konarik has been offered an executive position.

In Pennsylvania a 68-year-old Warrington woman who attempted suicide by drowning saw it aborted by a group of high school students. / The students almost wasted their own efforts when they hung her from the clothesline to dry out.

Today in 1971, Tricia Nixon and Edward Cox were married in the White House Rose Garden. / Apparently Tricia's father, Richard thought many people were duped by his new son-in-law; as you hear Nixon referring to these people as Cox suckers.

June 13,

President Bush met with AOL Time Warner Chairman Steve Case and Walt Disney Co. Chairman and Chief Executive Michael Eisner today. / Two things Bush where thrives, dealing with AOL's and their companies and living in a Disneyland.

The president of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops opened an extraordinary meeting on clerical sex abuse Thursday, calling the crisis that has battered the American church for months "perhaps the gravest we have faced." / Perhaps he should have omitted, "I'll be buggered if I know how to fix things"

Interim leader Hamid Karzai, widely praised for his reconciliation efforts during six months in power, was formally elected Thursday as Afghanistan's head of state by a loya jirga, or grand council. / The election was close with brother Jeb-mid in Kandahar counting the votes that put Hamid over the top.

Firefighters chopped down trees, dug fire lines and soaked houses with water Thursday as a 90,000-acre wildfire crept toward homes southwest of Denver. / Meanwhile Colorado police officials claim while they're investigating the Benet-Ramseys and fire they still haven't ascertained responsibility for the burning.

Child molesters, murderers and other assorted felons at the Indiana State prison called their diet starvation rations and have turned to a new snack source - the pigeons that flock to the prison’s grounds. / Semantics; pigeon in prison at the $500. a plate restaurant -squab.

In New Brighton, Minnesota, Larry Cimbura's defending his nineteen-year-old son charged with child porn providing on the Internet. / In fairness to the teenager maybe he's misinterpreting the message from home, which has his father aroused, and standing erect behind him.

In Montgomery, Alabama, Melissa Wright 26, has been charged with attempted murder after putting her 14-month-old daughter in a hot oven -- at the urging, she says, of voices in her head. The father who saved her heard the anguished cries of the child from inside the oven. / The voices in my head want to know how the mother didn't hear the child's wailing’s louder.

Pat Samarge, principal of Franklin Elementary School in Santa Monica has banned unless supervised the children's game of tag -from the playground --for reasons that included issues of child safety and self-esteem-. / You'd think the children would have enough to do anyway; between the porn movies for Aids Awareness and the gun club.

Benjamin Kaupp posted San Lorenzo Valley High School on eBay as a senior prank with a political edge/ Selling something not yours for an inflated price; I imagine he's going to have quite the career as a commodities trader.

Today in 1982, King Khalid of Saudi Arabia died at the age of 69; he was succeeded by a half brother, Crown Prince Fahd. / I only mention this to clarify the larger social matter, no half brothers aren’t the family’s transsexuals.

June 14

In Pakistan a deadly car bomb has exploded at the American consulate at Karachi. / Across the border from Afghanistan, country where writer David Pearl executed, host of regular anti-American demonstrations surely no clues for an Intelligence agency to pick up on.

In Ontario Premier Ernie Eves said it was "astounding" that Ontario was grappling with water safety issues again. The Premier has also cancelled the sale of Hydro One. / I'm impressed Eves seems a better opponent of his government policies than the party's opponents.

Prime Minister Chretien going through some political hell, has summoned the words of Winston Churchill: "When you are going through hell just keep going." / Nobody is arguing with those sentiments as most would like to see Chretien keep going.

It's reported Yasser Arafat met with his new cabinet yesterday. / Delivery and meeting of the bedroom suite has been detained.

Scientists have found a solar system similar to ours. / They know it's similar to our planet Earth as emanating from the mid-eastern portion is the sound of weaponry.

Sex education classes, abstinence programs and family planning clinics have had no impact on promiscuity or pregnancy prevention studies show. / However it's still a delightful way to embarrass some people.

A Roman sculpture of love goddess Venus set a new world record for an antiquity, fetching $11.67 million at an auction in London on Thursday, auctioneer Christie's said. / Usually it's the antiquity that will pay the fortune, Anna Nicole Smith as an example springs to mind.

New York wineries announced plans on Thursday for a wine-tasting party to raise funds to clear mines and restore once-flourishing vineyards in the Fizuli region of the former Soviet Republic of Azerbaijan. / Truly a noble cause, however New York wineries?

A 34-year-old Hong Kong man has pleaded guilty to trying to fake his death in the Sept. 11 World Trade Center attack to escape prosecution for passport fraud, prosecutors said on Thursday. / If you got him can he possibly plead not guilty?

Today in 1841, the first Canadian parliament opened in Kingston. / Now that's Canadian; government twenty-six years even before having a country.

June 17

The U.S. Consulate in Karachi will reopen Tuesday with "enhanced security." / Never before has a Republican president ever rewarded so many Democrats with an entire foreign posting.

In Erfurt, Germany Elton John paid tribute to the victims of a deadly April school shooting by holding a concert whose proceeds will help care for those affected by the tragedy. / You know the tribute was sincere, as he hadn't rejigged the lyrics to "Candle in the Wind."

The Supreme Court barred Americans from seeking punitive damages from cities and government boards that refuse to build wheelchair ramps and make other accommodations for the disabled. / Perhaps a set back for the physically handicapped, however the mentally handicapped that awake and find smoking is bad for their health or spill scalding cups of coffee in their own laps will be allowed to continue to sue.

Today's photo opportunity has President Bush, working with a construction worker to help operate a machine pouring concrete for the foundation of a new home in the refurbished area that was once the Carver Homes housing project in downtown Atlanta. / I'm not sure of many things but the photo has the President at a construction site, without a hardhat, explains lots to me.

Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld speaking at a Pentagon news conference stated, "that with the scattering of al-Qaida from Afghanistan, the United States is on "a full-court press" to find them in hiding places around the world." / Terrific! Last time a team of Washington Generals had "a full-court press" on a globe-trotting team the record was lopsided against.

Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat condemned Israel's building of a security fence along its West Bank border as an "act of racism" Monday. / Appealing to the ambivalent and fans of old-style musicals, Arafat broke into a chorus of, "Don't Fence Me In."

Police said they arrested six people at the Hidden Valley Golf Club after receiving a tip-off; that "As part of the golf tournament, sex acts were offered to participants for a fee." / While the police aren't stating for sure, I believe the tip-off was the poster guaranteeing a hole-in-one for all willing participants.

Israel believes tourists who brave the dangers of Middle East violence to visit the embattled country deserve an award. A Tourism Ministry spokeswoman said today it had launched a "thank you" campaign in which tourists receive a sticker reading "Israel loves you" and a red rose when they arrive and a certificate of appreciation when they depart. / Already there's a strong campaign to make Arafat recipient of the first certificate of appreciation.

Beijing shut down Internet parlours throughout the city today stating, "they were dangerous", after a roaring blaze killed 24 people at an unlicensed Cyber cafe. / They're very dangerous, you never know when ideas might escape from them.

Thirty years ago, on June 17, 1972, President Nixon's eventual downfall began with the arrest of five burglars inside Democratic national headquarters in Washington D.C.'s Watergate complex. / Sorry no joke, just the widest of smiles about the memory.

June 18,

The American government has sanctioned the removal of Saddam Hussein either by employing the CIA or Insurgents in Iraq. / Before anybody pooh poohs it, remember Bay of Pigs, okay remember funding Saddam against Iran, alright remember funding the Taliban against the Soviets; damn it always works in the movies.

The United States Supreme Court ruled against requiring Jehovah Witnesses to get permits to go door-to-door, stating it violates their freedom of speech. / Bravo for upholding free speech, it’s just a shame it comes at such a cost.

India has given the United States credit for preventing them from launching nuclear missiles at Pakistan. / Pardon my cynicism, if credit is being given doesn’t that mean there’s a bill to pay?

Botswana, Namibia, South Africa and Zimbabwe all countries with high elephant populations wish to overturn the international ban on the trade of ivory. / Elephants are expected to retaliate by rampaging through piano bars.

Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura announced today he wouldn’t seek a second term. / Excuse the avoidance of comment on the job Ventura performed; but what next after a wrestler for governor, a dumb guy for president?

The top 144 senior managers at Enron reaped $744 million in payments and stock in the year leading up to the company's bankruptcy filing. / There's the problem right there, when you have twelve dozen senior managers you must expect gross behaviour.

Police arrested Tennessee State Representative Keith Westmoreland after he allegedly exposed himself to children at a hotel swimming pool. / Fortunately for Westmoreland his charges of rape were dropped to assault with a dead weapon after his urologist vouched his impotency.

In Rockwell, Iowa Dustin Pillard is raising compact cows. Pillard has 50 tiny cows on his northern Iowa farm, all less than three feet tall. He's hoping they'll catch on as pets, and so far inquiries have come in from as far as Europe, Mexico and Argentina. / If this isn't udderly ridiculous, there's at least a small amount of bullshit involved.

This is my so long for now . . ."So wrote recently passed Kenneth Moon, of Wisconsin a man who believed in paying attention to the details in life, including his own death notice. / Writing your own death notice; that's too grave for me.

June 19

President Bush's Mideast peace plan was put on hold Wednesday as Israel moved to reoccupy Palestinian areas of the West Bank following a deadly terrorist bombing. / In truth, Bush's peace plan is we'll topple Saddam and improvise from there.

Tom Noonan, chief executive officer for Internet Security Systems, said that logging onto the Internet is like entering a dangerous neighborhood. Risks include identity fraud and intellectual property and credit card theft. / On the brighter side there's no larger, wider supply of free porn.

At a seventeen-month high, the Euro is just pennies under the dollar. / Given Enron, K-Mart and etc. how is it the American economy is viewed as having more cents?

Entertainer Billy Joel has reportedly checked himself into a substance abuse and psychiatric hospital for a "personal problem." / A spokesperson for the pianist stated, "It's not that Joel is suffering substance or psychiatric problems it's just he's hoping to find somebody for dating there."

A federal appeals court has reinstated a lawsuit claiming ABC discriminates against disabled people who want to become contestants on the game show "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire." Disability rights advocates state the network and the show's producer used a telephone system that excludes hearing-impaired people and those who can't operate touch-tone phones. / Hmn is ABC showing contriteness or insensitivity by responding with a deaf ear?

The war on terrorism is forcing a scattered al-Qaida network to shift its efforts and devise new kinds of attacks, claims Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. / He added, "if it didn't, how could we justify this boondoggle known as Homeland Defense?

Statistics show China's stability is being threatened and endangering prospects for greater political freedom in the world's largest populated country. Over the next two decades, as many as 40 million young Chinese men won't be able to marry due to the ratio of men and women. / On the other hand the Catholic Church foresees a rich recruiting ground.

A wildfire burning in Alaska's interior was ignited by state biologists using firecrackers to ward off an aggressive cow moose, officials said. / The Hoyman Fire started because of a letter from the ex-husband, there just seems to be a whole lot of burning love.

Truancy sweeps around Britain last month revealed thousands of children missed school -- and turned up some ridiculous excuses, the Education Ministry said on Tuesday. / Kind of a catch 22, if you need to think of an intelligent excuse you have to attend school.

It is no longer plastic, but paper for Southwest Airlines passengers as the low-cost carrier started on Tuesday to phase out its plastic boarding card system. / It's believed if the idea catches on, good-bye plastic tasting meals, hello papery tasting meals.

June 20

A divided Supreme Court reversed course Thursday and ruled that executing mentally retarded people is unconstitutionally cruel. / Personally I favour that but, isn't it unconstitutionally cruel to have the mentally retarded being the government's executive?

United Nations Secretary-General Kofi Annan urged leaders of the world's major industrialized nations to make firm pledges of action and money at their summit next week to fight poverty. In fairness most world leaders already do that on a personal level, ensuring their cronies never will face poverty.

An attempt by two Middle Eastern men to buy a fake ambulance spurred authorities to issue warnings that terrorists may seek to use bogus emergency vehicles as weapons, authorities said. / Is it ironical that these stories play well in the Mid-west?

President Bush's homeland security chief, Tom Ridge, urged Congress on Thursday to move quickly on the "historic step" of creating a new Cabinet-level agency. / He stated the urgency was high because the public soon would catch on to the fact instead of spending billions on this all that was required was making the existing agencies communicate better.

Searching of World Trade Center debris at landfill is nearing an end. / So close to finding Jimmy Hoffa too.

A wildfire sweeping across more than 36,000 acres of an eastern Arizona forest drove thousands of people from their homes early today. / Geez, how do you burn cacti?

Former President Bill Clinton played a dice game with children from the Family Life Academy of the Latino Pastoral Action Center in New York today. Clinton visited the school as part of the first "National Service Day". / Great country, America; former president playing craps and present president crap.

Lighter maker Zippo is suing Walt Disney and television network ABC, claiming an animated dinosaur with the same name as the legendary lighters is cashing in on the Zippo name. / Seems to me Disney and ABC have experienced trouble with flames since the first Ellen Show fiasco.

Llama sodomizer and attacker Brandon Eldred told the judge: "I want to make things right." Still, the judge gave him three years in the Florida state prison. / Asked for comment the Dahlai Lhama stated, "True enlightenment comes with one walking beside you as an equal, not coming up your behind."

Today in 1893, a jury in New Bedford, Massachusetts found Lizzie Borden innocent of the ax murders of her father and stepmother. / After this case, they came up with "ax and spend time in spell laws."

June 21

Today, in World Cup action, advancing was Brazil. / Admittedly I’m no soccer enthusiast but I was interested until the last syllable; "today in World Cup action, advancing was Bra."

Summer officially arrived this morning. / Generally summer is welcome, unfortunately however this gives George Bush an excuse rather than pollution for the heat and therefore a reason not to sign the Kyoto Accord.

It’s conservatively estimated four million Brits were either late or not at work today because of the soccer match. / If you’ve ever seen British workmanship this has to be considered a positive. A former Jefferson City priest who was dismissed from public ministry in 1999 in a sexual misconduct case has quietly left his job as a greeter at Disney World in Orlando. / There’s some suspicion he seemed to be fucking Goofy.

Seven-year-old Jordan Curtis who loved baseball died on Father's Day. A Tennessee funeral home has honored the youth's dream of playing in the big leagues by donating a baseball diamond-shaped burial site for him. / Truly a tear-jerking story, however on the other hand I'm sure the widows of the deceased at the nearby graves were thankful Jordan was too young to have loved sex.

Oswaldo Martinez a twenty-eight-year-old 28-year-old Panamanian accused of killing a judge was eaten by a crocodile as he swam across a river after escaping from prison, police said. / Alas the old-fashioned question of style was answered; first came the crocodile choose, than the Panamanian shat.

Every year there's a new one: Most livable U.S. city, friendliest city, and town with the best manners. Now comes the first annual sweatiest city award. Top honors go to San Antonio, Texas. / A real shocker; sure the city stinks but those Enron executives while slimy didn't seem sweaty.

A Japanese court ruling that a publishing firm had acted unjustly by firing a male employee who lived as a woman was greeted by lawyers and activists on Friday as a landmark case in the conservative country / Apparently the Japanese conservatives were deeply upset and thought it reflected poorly that the transsexual wears a label, Made in Japan.

Passengers who are too large to squeeze between the armrests of Southwest Airlines seats will be charged double for flying the low-cost carrier, the company said. / Another example, of everybody trying to live off the fat of the land.

Sunday marks the anniversary of Canada's Senate ratifying the North American Free Trade Agreement in 1993. / Thank goodness for the agreement. Now there's no dissension on fairness in trade of tomatoes, wheat and softwood just to cite some possibilities, where otherwise it could occur.

June 24

In Toronto, outside city-workers are still talking in an attempt to prevent striking. / The garbage workers are waiting for an offer they can or can’t refuse.

Yasser Arafat says now he’s willing to accept the Clinton peace plan. / Apparently the claims he had been blasted back to the stone-age are greatly exaggerated, only blasted back to the previous decade.

More than 1,500 sheep have been slaughtered at a farm in central Germany as a precaution to prevent an outbreak of the livestock disease scrapie, authorities said Monday. / "Besides", added the farmer, "it should prevent the spreading of any those sexual rumours".

"Connie Chung Tonight" debuts tonight The show will emphasize news over opinion. / At least, that's one person's belief.

A year after the 189-nation General Assembly adopted a plan to halt the AIDS epidemic, a United Nations report issued Sunday said "dramatic changes" in sexual awareness and behavior are still needed in many poor countries to stop the advance of the killer disease. / Response has varied from "bugger off?" to "fuckin' right?"

President Bush's Mideast plan is being questioned. / How's that possible, does he even have a Mideast plan?

Wealthier American men were more likely to die of cancer than poorer ones during the 1950s and 1960s, this trend was reversed in the 1970s and 1980s, a new analysis of census data shows. / If having money is the cure, please cure me.

A mammoth blaze formed by the union of two wildfires edged closer to Show Low, Arizona without overrunning it, but firefighters said it was only a matter of time. / Seems the greatest difficulty firefighters face in Arizona is convincing elderly citizens to evacuate that it's more than just a dry heat.

With police helicopters flying overhead, about 3,000 anti-globalization protesters marched peacefully through downtown Calgary on Sunday ahead of a summit of world leaders in Canada. / Previously the Calgary mayor had promised empty jail cells for protesters, apparently he had had a dream, "build it and they shall come."

President Bush stated terrorism in all its aspects will be the focus at this year's economic summit; Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien, this year's host, had put Africa at the top of this year's Group of Eight agenda; Russian President Vladimir Putin is hoping the summit will provide a program in which the United States will provide $10 billion over the next 10 years, to be matched by other wealthy countries, to help Russia decommission its nuclear stockpile. United Nations Secretary-General Kofi Annan and the leaders of five African countries, including South African President Thabo Mbeki will join the G-8 leaders in their discussions. / Seems terrorism in all its aspects will be the focus at this year's economic summit.

June 25

A powerful earthquake flattened nearly 100 remote mountain villages killing at least 500 people in northwestern Iran this weekend. / A quick reacting President Bush inquired "How does one make an earthquake in Iraq?"

This weekend a Roman Catholic priest was arrested in Texas for an alleged rape in a Bronx rectory. / Pardon my sexual naiveté, are almost not all these rapes done in the rectory?

Jean Chretien’s cabinet loyalists are accusing Paul Martin of plotting a coup. / How ridiculous, Canada doesn't even really have a serious army.

President Chowdhury has resigned under pressure from the governing Bangladesh National Party which says Chowdhury showed disrespect by not visiting the cemetery on the anniversary of it’s founder’s death. / This is considered a grave mistake for Chowdhury.

The South Korean President publicly apologized, saying he was thoroughly responsible for his sons, two of the three are charged with influence peddling. / Perhaps the apologies would have meant more if the President hadn’t done them on another channel opposite the telecast of the South Korean soccer games.

President Bush revealed a peace plan that would require Palestinians to stop their suicide attacks and other acts of terrorism and that Israel stop it’s settlements. Yasser Arafat calls the proposals worth considering, however things are so bad for Arafat he’s willing to sign the Balfour Declaration.

Arab tourism officials, who have seen Westerners stay away because of terrorism fears, are turning their attention closer to home and inviting fellow Arabs. You know they're serious about going after the Arab customer, features include free water refills for your camel, watch a public stoning and partake in a suicide bombing.

Israeli President Moshe Katsav (a former Russian citizen) addressed a Eurasian Jewish Congress delegation that arrived in Jerusalem for the 34th congress of the World Zionist Organization. He said: "We all originate from former Soviet countries." / Russian President Putin said "Oy vey can't we convince them their from Israel?"

Cats in New Zealand are soon to be used for barbecue. This is to happen because of citizens of a New Zealand town who are anxious about birds, that are traditionally considered food for cats. / I envision a change in Tourism ads, "You use to come for the sheep, now you'll come for the pussy.

It’s Gay Pride week in Toronto. Some people are upset that Gays have had bar hours extended to celebrate their festivities whereas soccer fans didn’t get the same right. / In fairness, in soccer the goal is to have balls kicked in, whereas Gay Pride is about…

June 26

R&B star R. Kelly, accused of videotaping sex acts with a thirteen-year-old girl, pleaded innocent to twenty-one counts of child pornography. / I'm not sure if he's not making a judgment error calling Roman Polanski, Gore Vidal and Jerry Lee Lewis as character witnesses.

Scientists are studying Joseph Nicephore Niepce 1826's picture, when the Frenchman created what is acknowledged as the world's first photograph. This should bring Niepce out of the shadow of Louis Jacques Mande Daguerre - of daguerreotype fame - with whom he formed a short-lived partnership. The photo consists of a farm building, pear and poplar trees and a dovecote. / Also almost hidden by the farm buildings is Barbara Bush before her white hair.

An emergency United Nations sponsored meeting of experts on food safety has examined what is known about newly suspected cancer-causing substance acrylamide and is preparing recommendations for release to consumers Thursday. / It's expected six months from Thursday health experts will announce how a certain amount of the substance acrylamide is essential for your health.

Several regions of the United States are facing a critical blood shortages. / I'm guessing that too many people are like me, with that complimentary blood not the critical blood.

President Bush stressed the need for new Palestinian leadership in meeting with Prime Ministers Blair and Chretien. / Both Prime Ministers snapped back, "What there's something wrong with long-term experienced leadership?"

In Washington call it another sign of the times: The first of 20,000 gas masks - enough for all lawmakers, their aides and other employees and even tourists in the event of a chemical or biological attack - have begun arriving at the U.S. Capitol. This is the reason they're claiming for the shipment so as not to alarm people. The real reason, they're anticipating the results of failure to sign the Kyoto Accords.

Hong Kong scientists have created a mannequin so lifelike it even sweats. / Wow! More lifelike than ninety-nine per-cent of the super-models.

Europe's biggest fashion retailer, Sweden's H&M, has launched wear-once paper panties for the summer. / Whoop-dee-doo! Depends has been on the market for years now.

Anti-globalization activists stripped in front of hundreds of bemused office workers outside a downtown Calgary Gap store to protest the clothing retailer's labor policies. / Despite their numbers there were considerably more dicks hanging out at the G-8 conference itself.

Tennis great Martina Navratilova criticized the United States in a German newspaper today, saying money is the only thing that matters there. / She added if you wish anymore insights you better pony-up some mega-cash.

June 27

American government experts, wary of al Qaeda's skills on the Internet, are concerned that Osama bin Laden's guerrilla network may be planning cyber-attacks. / My god if they go to the porn sites and throw burkhas on all those women then you kill any reason for the Internet.

Outside Vienna in rural Austria a thirty-six-year-old female motorist encountered a cow that had strayed from a hillside pasture to the top of a tunnel entrance, only to fall onto her car today. / The woman admitted others might feel cowed but she was not mooved and was udderly resolute to make sure nobody bulled her from taking such routes.

Having a vasectomy does not increase a man's risk of prostate cancer even twenty-five or more years after the procedure, according to the results of a study from New Zealand. / However, if the vasectomy is performed by a doctor with a shaky hand, it does increase the chance of passing an audition for the Vienna Boys Choir.

The American Supreme Court approved random drug tests for many public high school students Thursday, ruling that schools' interest in ridding their campuses of drugs outweighs an individual's right to privacy. / It seems students are making life's most important decisions ergo testing of them is more urgent than CEO's, elected government officials or even Supreme Court Justices.

Troy Michael Bowron, twenty-five, sued the Jannali Inn in southern Sydney, its owner Kelly Wells and patron Ross Lucock for negligence over an incident on November 30, 1997. Bowron told the New South Wales state District Court that he had been playing in a pool competition at the bar when he saw Lucock taping pork chops to his feet. He claimed Lucock said he was using them for shoes after being told he would not be served more alcohol because he was barefoot. Bowron won his case. / Of course, while you can accept people being unorthodox, you have a right to expect proceedings to be operated in a kosher manner.

A federal appeals court decision has declared the Pledge of Allegiance unconstitutional because of the words "under God" / Asked for comment God stated, "You want a judge, you want a high court?"

CIA chief George Tenet and FBI Director Robert Mueller appearing before a Senate panel stated, "The nation very much needs the single focus that this department will bring to homeland security."/ It seems that, rather than jealously that might appear as a result of the new department by the established, the established are looking for a future scapegoat when things screw up.

In the United States the Supreme Court declared unconstitutional an Alabama prison practice of handcuffing inmates to a metal pole for hours in the summer heat. The practice was referred to as hitching. / Unfortunately getting hitched to an Alabamian, while questionable judgment, is still constitutional.

Playboy's "Women of Enron" hits newsstands tomorrow. / I know I'll be checking it thoroughly looking for inflated figures.

The United States and other nations have agreed to spend $20 billion to help Russia dismantle its nuclear, biological and chemical weapons stockpile. / Perhaps trying to ingratiate themselves, Iraq offered to do this for free.

June 28

Airline pilot Essam Al-Ridi admits helping Osama buy a plane to transport Stinger missiles ten years ago. But Essam Al-Ridi says his life is "ruined" because he agreed to testify for the Justice Department against al Qaeda members and helped to put four behind bars. / He claims the Justice Department didn't even get him a stripper whereas the Qaeda members get seventy-two virgins.

President Bush and the other world leaders finished their G8 Summit yesterday. / Bush left wondering why Kansas was spelled Kananaskis and they had a foreign talking governor.

This weekend the FBI is committed to their search for Elizabeth Smart; the American military and intelligence forces are committed to finding Osama. / As a show of solidarity, and to inspire, President Bush is spending the weekend looking for Waldo.

Playboy’s Women of Enron issue comes out today. / I haven’t seen it, but I have heard Bush was involved.

World Cup soccer action finishes this weekend. / Once again North American men will be able to resume watching their displays of athletic prowess - golf and baseball.

Russian President Putin claims the tragic floods devastating his country could have been averted. / Sounds like somebody is in dam trouble.

As of July 1, the Vatican announced Thursday; smoking will be banned on premises open to the public, in offices and in vehicles used by the public. / I wouldn't want to be going to confession for a while, there're going to be plenty of cranky priests, first that "no sex" ruling and now this.

The Who bassist John Entwistle died last night of what's believed to be a heart-attack. / You know your "rocker" is getting old when the drugs found in his body were there to keep him alive.

Turkey's tourism sector expects the number of foreign tourists visiting the country's main holiday regions to increase by 10 percent following the successful World Cup performance of the national team. / Sorry Turkey, soccer is about kicking balls in and I saw "Midnight Run" years ago, I don't think I care for how Turks treat one's balls.

Continuing the tradition they started in Rome on the eve of the 1990 tournament final, Luciano Pavarotti, Placido Domingo and Jose Carreras gathered Thursday night for what was billed as "The Three Tenors Last Concert in Japan 2002."/ Geez, just one over anxious soccer player's foot away from becoming The Three Sopranos.

July 01

Canada is one-hundred-thirty-five-years-old today. / Canada came about because England no longer wanted us and the Americans were looking for a place close by that knew how to make great whiskey and brew terrific beer.

By this weekend all the teams in the Canadian Football League had their season openers. It was also Gay Pride weekend. / I was in a bar for about an hour before I found out it wasn’t a sports bar; all the talk about tight-ends had confused me.

On Saturday, President Bush was relieved of the presidency for two hours undergoing a colonoscopy. / So, the headline should have read Bush replaced because of his asshole not because he’s an asshole.

The garbage strikes continues in Toronto. / I won’t say Torontoians are full of themselves, but while a few will concede the garbage stinks, they suggest it stinks good.

World Cup Soccer action concluded this weekend with Brazil defeating Germany. /For lots of elderly Germans like the Eichmann’s and the Mengele’s families it was that, a family affair.

Some 3,000 protesters overran and overnight occupied a nuclear waste dump in Taiwan. / You can discover the protesters in a crowd, they’re radiant.

The record for small arms sales rose sixteen percent last year. / I’m not sure about the "’big bang theory" for creation, but it’s seeming more likely for earth’s demise.

Anna Kournikova commenting on John McEnroe’s remarks, "cockiness is a vital ingredient for success" stated, "Maybe I’m not cocky enough to be a top player."/ Hmn, I’m sure she could find guys that would allow her to feel cocky all the time.

A top Italian politician called on Saturday for the castration of rapists in the wake of a series of rapes in northern Italy. / An old story, the rapes of his wrath.

The Berlin Zoo opened a luxurious high-tech home for its forty-two penguins Friday, giving them ice-cold pools, artificial rocks and even snow storms in which to chill out during summer heat waves. / The penguins must have been impressed, they appeared dressed formally.

July 02

Canada was one-hundred-thirty-five-years-old yesterday. / Alarming Liberal party members, Prime Minister Chretien announced his plans to lead for the next one-hundred-thirty-five years.

Prime Minister Ariel Sharon, defending Israel's killing of a top Hamas bombmaker, said Monday "there is no compromise with terror." Hamas extremists vowed revenge. / Israel promised to retaliate if the Hamas go for revenge. Expert opinion holds out for the prospect of peace when everyone is eyeless and toothless.

Thousands of banner-waving Palestinians marched on Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat's Gaza offices Monday, protesting the lack of jobs or financial support for the unemployed. / A grateful Arafat exclaimed, "See, they still believe I'm their leader."

To protect women riders from early bird gropers, a Japanese rail company has began running "Women Only" cars during morning rush hours. / In other news, Rosie O"Donnell announced vacation plans to Japan.

Strap 160,000 cork stoppers together and what do you get? A boat. Realizing a 30-year-old dream, American John Pollock is on his way down one of Portugal's largest rivers, from the border with Spain to the Atlantic, on a boat made of cork stoppers. / Hey I'm not sure if it'll work, but there must have been some fun in collecting all those corks.

A single lychee from a tree that once produced fruit for Chinese emperors sold for a record $67,053 at a weekend auction in China's affluent southern province of Guangdong. / I guess sometimes you feel like a nut...

Romania said on Monday it was going ahead with a Dracula theme park in Transylvania despite opposition from groups worried that its kitschy. / If something like that mattered would there be any theme parks?

German police have launched a manhunt for a convicted murderer who escaped from prison in a cardboard box. / In fairness to the German police it should be pointed out he was foiled the previous time when he tried his escape on a paper airplane.

A Toronto man was stopped for speeding. He claimed he was speeding because his air-conditioning had broken, so he was trying to create a breeze. / Perhaps he would be pleased spending time in the cooler

Millionaire Steve Fossett by reaching Western Australia became the first solo balloonist to circumnavigate the globe. / He's already a millionaire, does being a successful balloonist now give him an inflated opinion of himself?

July 03

America is really beefing up security response for July 4th. / You know they're serious, they plan on giving President Bush a colonoscopy for the whole day.

A massive solar eruption, more than thirty times the length of Earth's diameter, blasted away from the sun. / American intelligence is looking for a way to blame this on Al Qaida forces

American West is firing the two pilots charged with trying to fly a jetliner to Phoenix while drunk, a company spokesman said Wednesday. / The pilots claim, "With the fires in Arizona and just the general heat would you fly there unless drunk?"

Speaking on July 4th security, White House Spokesperson Ari Fleischer stated, "As you're hearing from many people in law enforcement, they're saying, 'Leave the worrying to us.' They will be out there. They will be vigilant." / Hmn considering these security types are the same mindset that blew up some of their own, killed four Canadians and blasted an Afghani couple’s wedding this weekend all by friendly-fire I'd say Americans have plenty to fear.

San Francisco, battling criticism that one of America's richest cities is also one of its dirtiest, has taken a step toward banning public urination and defecation. / "The shit isn't going to be a hit" according to one fan, adding, "we're ready to be peed-off."

Former super-agent Michael Ovitz has issued a public apology for remarks in a magazine article that hit newsstands on Wednesday blaming a "gay mafia" of his enemies for the recent collapse of his talent management enterprise. / Showing restraint, the gay mafia responded by saying, "We'd have been satisfied with a tongue-lashing, no need for bending over backwards."

Two Canadian otters at a sanctuary in Scotland have been placed under protection from aggressive local otters who are confused by their "foreign accents." / I know what you're thinking, however it's not otter but beaver that's the international language.

A German fisherman made the catch of his life when he reeled in a South American piranha weighing 6.6 pounds on a picturesque river in western Germany. / In underwater news a piranha has reported lining up a 215 pound German for future eating.

Martha Stewart canceled her Wednesday morning appearance on "The Early Show" after being told she would be asked about the investigation into her stock dealings. / Guilty or innocent, there's at least one good thing about this investigation.

Greek cuisine and plenty of sex help to ensure a long and healthy life, and to keep cancer and heart disease at bay, a cancer expert said. / Please don't get confused, that's not the same as plenty of cuisine and Greek sex.

July 04

Today is America’s Independence Day. / Celebrations are expected to be subdued today, not because of fears of Al Qaida forces but apprehension domestic forces may misinterpret any devices being shot into air in celebration.

For America's Independence Day there'll be plenty of fireworks. / I guess even the holiday doesn't change things between the FBI and CIA.

Speaking out last night Tom Ridge stated, "Homeland security is a cause for our time." / Ridge added; "not only that but the job gives me security for the rest of my days and a way to vanquish my enemies."

Analysts and bankruptcy experts are valuing WorldCom assets between $3 and $8 billion, meanwhile the company claims assets worth $104 billion. / Explaining the discrepancy executives explained the difference by suggesting that perchance the experts were undervaluing the value of goodwill.

Ousted Vivendi chief Messier was given a severance package of $17.8 million. / You know Vivendi is serious about turning itself around, all CEO’s were required to sign, pledging not to squander more than $17.7 million.

A London man said Thursday he knocked the head off a statue of former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher to protest global capitalism, but pleaded innocent to the charge against him as he was trying to make a political statement. / Even if you sympathize with the man, were the pigeons not making sufficient political statements?

Auction house Sotheby's said on Thursday it would sell a long-lost masterpiece by Flemish master Rubens. / Speculation is the painting should bring a fat cheque.

A paranoid schizophrenic who stabbed George Harrison on what he thought was a "mission from God" was conditionally released from a secure hospital Thursday. Marc Chapman is trying for early release, if successful it's believed they'll unite with Yoko Ono as the group that damaged the Beatles the most.

Academy Award-winning actress Julia Roberts married her cameraman boyfriend Daniel Moder early Thursday at her 40-acre estate outside Taos. / I don't understand the naysayers, already the marriage has lasted longer than they anticipated.

Herb Peterson, who came up with the Egg McMuffin in 1972, is working on the McPopover. The 83-year-old man won't say what's inside his new food product. / Geez, for health concerns won't he reveal at least what's in the old product?

July 05

A gunman opened fire Thursday at Israel's El Al airlines ticket counter at Los Angeles International Airport, killing two people before an airline security guard shot him dead, authorities said. / Truly a tragedy, the police found when searching his apartment a letter complaining while he couldn’t get it through his HMO, airport security constantly was providing too many physicals.

After Thursday's shooting at the ticket counter at Los Angeles airport, federal officials are reviewing if security improvements are needed there as well, said federal officials. / Wouldn't that be ironic, they'll have either the Afghani or Pakistani cab driver that brings you to the airport do a cavity search before dropping you

Flag sales were brisk for the Fourth of July. / I'm sure those factory workers in China must be pleased.

Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura, declared Thursday Indivisible Day mostly in response to "the God" part of the pledge of allegiance but by doing so he's drawn heat from Republicans and conservative interest groups. / Ventura added, "Hell I'm not running again, I might declare Sunday clothing optional day."

Local government workers in England, Wales and Northern Ireland have voted to hold their first nationwide strike since 1979. / Union representatives conceded things were good for them under a Labour Government, they're just feeling nostalgic.

In Toronto the garbage workers continue to strike while the library workers have come to an agreement. / This means Toronto is hit by a litter all strike but not a literal strike.

Senator Trent Lott on Friday gave ten former East Bloc countries a strong endorsement in their bid for NATO membership but said the alliance still had concerns about corruption and religious intolerance. / The eastern bloc countries voiced sympathy and said despite the fact America is that way they'd still like to join.

Beatles guru Maharishi Mahesh Yogi said in a message to Americans nervous about new September 11-style attacks that he could kill world terrorism with love -- but he would need $1 billion to do it. / Hmn either misread or misheard the lyric "Lucre is all you need."

Today in 1946, the bikini made its debut during an outdoor fashion show at the Molitor Pool in Paris. / Of course the bikini was an orthodox, kosher Jew's invention, keeping the dairy separated from the meat.

William Booth founded the Salvation Army in London on today in 1865. Personally, I founded the Salvation Army every year around Christmas, though I'm not sure that it's losted during the rest of the year.

July 08

President Bush celebrated his fifty-sixth birthday playing golf with his father. / Seems every president since Eisenhower, with the possible exception of Carter was obsessed with balls and holes of course the Democrats and Republicans differ on what kind of balls and holes they’re obsessed with.

Michael Jackson lashed out at the music industry stating, "they conspire against the artists especially the black artists." / People were flabbergasted by his remarks, as most didn’t remember him as a black artist.

In Toronto this weekend was the Molson Indy. The winner was Brazilian, Christano da Matta. Actress, Ashley Judd’s husband Dario Franchitti finished thirteenth. / Judd nattered at him, "Didn’t I teach you how to steal a race?"

In Pamplona, Spain the running of the bulls took place this weekend. / In Canada the running of the bull takes place when parliament resumes sitting and usually involves more goring.

A historic legal battle is brewing in Britain as a white couple had had black twins as the result of a mistake during fertility treatment / You understand the couple being upset; afterall the twins have rhythm, athleticism and most notably aren't British because they have good teeth.

Hava Rexha born and has lived all her life in Shushice, Albania next month on August 14th, surrounded by 120 offspring of four generations, she will be 122 years old. Her one resentment, still fresh in her mind, was being forced to wed at 14 to a man who claimed to be 30 but was "about 60 and married twice before as well." That was in 1894. / "Actually, she said, that's not my only resentment, I'm also not to fussy about the jerk who neglects to put the toilet seat down."

Estonians ran off with the world wife-carrying title for the fifth year in a row. Thirty-six couples from eight countries took part in the event. / I'm certain the contest is rigged somehow, I've known of North American that claim carrying over seven wives.

Strumming the air with his fingers has earned a New Zealand man a trip to the world competitions in Oulu, Finland. / Damn my mother, first she tosses the comic books, then the bubble-gum card collection and then she says, "Where's that going to get you?"

Today in 1907, Florenz Ziegfeld staged his first "Follies," on the roof of the New York Theater. / Pardon my ignorance, but follies have been displayed since the beginning of time, now, perhaps exhibited no better than by the current administration.

The Wall Street Journal was first published today in 1889. / It reported inflated values of estimates on Enron and WorldCom but nobody seemed to care.

July 09

"After careful consideration, I have decided to follow my counsel’s instruction even though I do not believe I have anything to hide in these or any other proceedings," stated deposed WorldCom CEO and former milkman Bernie Ebbers. / I’m guessing Ebbers was a milkman when vans were introduced, otherwise he should know the smell of horseshit.

In Ontario, the provincial Conservatives have raised more money than the Liberals and New Democrats combined, with most money coming from corporations and wealthy individuals. / It’s almost like these groups view the Conservatives are more responsive to them over small business or poorer individuals.

Delegates to the International AIDS Conference were told young men were unaware whether they had contracted AIDS. / Geez, they could have stopped when they reached "young men were unaware."

About three-hundred Italian jailed Mafia bosses have gone on a hunger strike to protest government plans to continue a tougher regime for top mobsters. / According to movies, Mafia types seem to engage a lot of energies into eating, one wonders now how they’ll pasta thyme.

In hockey news, Cory Pecker a forward for Erie Otters has agreed to a three-year contract with the Anaheim Mighty Ducks. / It’s believed Anaheim feels Pecker learnt maturity from his in and out attendance with the Beavers between hockey practise and games and that he’ll add pluck to the Ducks.

They just call me Bow." answered Rap singer BOW WOW, fifteen, formerly known as Lil' Bow Wow, on how his friends address him. / What a relief, I didn't think anybody would put the word ""Wow" near a Rap singer.

A Beijing newspaper has begun running candid photos to expose male residents who traditionally go shirtless in the baking summer, the latest twist in the city's drive to tidy up its act before staging the 2008 Olympic Games. / If it works there, there might be incentive to award the next Olympics to Miami Beach.

Coffee shop chain Pacific Coffee apologized for carrying in its shops a "thought for the day" by Nazi dictator Adolf Hitler, which some customers found offensive. The quote -- "The victor will never be asked if he told the truth". / There was some confusion later as heard from the boardrooms was, "We won that public relations battle with phoney sincerity."

Historically today is the day England's King Henry VIII had his six-month-old marriage to his fourth wife, Anne of Cleves, annulled. / If a guy could find a Hollywood divorce lawyer with the skills that the King had, the lawyer would have such income Bill Gates would like a pauper.

Today in 1951, President Truman asked Congress to formally end the state of war between the United States and Germany. / I’m guessing Truman was a cautious man.

July 10

According to the London-based Centre for Economic Policy Research, globalization is responsible for dramatically reducing the number of abjectly poor people around the world; despite the gap widening between rich and poor. / I’m guessing the poor are just more willing to share their poverty, than the rich are their riches.

In Toronto, it looks like the provincial government will step in and order outside workers back to work. / I won’t say things were bad in Toronto, but American producers wishing to pass off Toronto as American city, unless a major one, have been able to stop importing garbage.

Former Pakistani prime minister Benazir Bhutto was convicted of graft yesterday and sentenced to three years of hard labour. / Various members of the Bush administration are expected to be in touch with her to find out how to avoid the same mistake.

According to British journal, Occupational and Environmental Medicine working long hours and not getting enough rest triples the normal chances of heart attack. / Is it my imagination or generally do politicians not experience any until they leave office

A blind German psychic claims he can people's futures by feeling their naked buttocks. / It's a given, you can determine the tough-assed, those full of shit and those with perhaps a homosexual proclivity.

German police rushed to investigate cries of distress reported by an elderly woman in a small town only to find the moaning came from two copulating hedgehogs. / Truthfully when hedgehogs copulate many find them on pins and needles.

Goalmouth weddings for lovers wanting to tie the knot in a memorable location with the full blessing of the church will soon be possible after the Church of England agreed to relax strict rules. / I guess with soccer being the English's other religion, you either beat them or co-join them.

In a country where few cause a flap over nakedness, it came as a surprise when Austria's prestigious Salzburg Festival said it was unable to cast any nudes for its opera. The female lead is suppose to have a forty inch bust and twenty-six inch waist. / I truly sympathasize with them. I too, always only welcome good nudes.

In Kansas a federal judge who admits he doesn't "fool with the stock market" said he gave two executives who pleaded guilty in a fraud scheme a choice: lecture students about business ethics or go to prison. / Great a judge who doesn't understand fraud getting business executives to lecture about something they know nothing about.

British medical authorities are scrambling trying to reassure the public the white couple that gave birth to the black twins was a great rarity. / "I’m not sure the picture painted was sensitive, saying. "When a white couple has a black child you must look beyond the negative and see what develops."

July 11

Judicial Watch alleges fraudulent accounting practices occurred when American vice-president Cheny ran oil-services firm, Haliburton. / How disgusting a vice-president that commits fraud, that could be only exceeded upon by having a brother steal you an election.

About 650,000 Americans each year undergo arthroscopic surgery to get relief from arthritis pain yet a recent study states those who had a placebo procedure got as much relief. / Arthroscopic surgeons stated, "before you can say the surgery is worth nothing, you must consider the millions it’s worth to us."

Certain chemicals linked to birth defects in animals are present in high levels in many toiletries, a study released by three consumer and environmental groups found. / What animals are doing wearing toiletries none of the groups explained.

President Bush speaking before business leaders proposed doubling time for mail and wire fraud to ten years and preventing corporations from "cooking the books". / He concluded by saying, Where do you think dad has me working after this gig? Gotcha."

Anna Nicole Smith is going to have a reality show about everyday events in her life. / I thought Darva Conger already did that show.

Activists stormed the stage at the AIDS conference in Spain, temporarily stopping a speech by American Secretary of Health and Human Services Tommy Thompson. They say America is spending too little that the fight requires about $10-billion annually. / I’m not unsympathetic, but $10-billlion sounds like lots of condoms to me.

Firefighters in Hamburg, Germany were called in to catch a seven-foot-long python Wednesday after it was spotted hanging from a drainpipe above an apartment / The firefighters admitted this was routine and no where near as much fun as catching the boa from the ecdysiast.

The Mapei cycling team was quick to react when a thief broke into the hotel room of world champion Oscar Freire the thief was stealing a mobile phone and some money, but he was spotted by one of the Mapei-Quick Step staff and the team quickly blocked all the hotel doors and caught him red handed. / When asked for comment the cycling team said, "well uh, it's not like we've a spokesperson.

The tiny Alpine republic of Slovenia, often ruffled by being confused with Slovakia, took another hit when President Milan Kucan was welcomed to Romania with the wrong national anthem. / Complicating matters further, the Romanian government offered to compensate for any embarrassment by putting a Czech in the mail.

There were too many holes in police testimony to convict the operators of a popular fetish shop of hosting wild sex parties, defense lawyers said in one of Hong Kong's most lurid trials in memory. / Pardon, doesn't lurid sex involve many holes?

July 12

Cracking down on the corporate world the American government has moved to ban CEO’s from giving themselves low-interest loans. / Terrific, now CEO’s will be forced instead to give themselves gifts.

Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles were captured today for the first time ever in public, holding hands. / While Charles mother Queen Elizabeth offered a terse no comment, his father Prince Phillip stated, "We all know she’s a bitch, what’s he doing, shaking a pa?

Canada is supposedly gaining a name as a sanctuary for polygamists. / I’m not certain why men get married in the first place, it’s a mystery; as two wives it’s a biga mystery.

Sesame Street will soon introduce its first HIV-positive Muppet character to children of South Africa. / I hope there’s clarity with the character, I knew Oscar the Grouch was taking anger management and that Cookie Monster had to do with marijuana consumption but I wasn’t sure the messages I was suppose to get.

A young couple fishing in the Florida Keys reeled in a leather bag with about $80,000 inside. / Terrific for them, what kind of bait does that require?

An Ontario court ruled today in favour of homosexual marriages. Already gays are protesting the terms bride and groom on the license application is a reminder of their previous disenfranchisement and should be stricken. / I’m not sure bottom and top is really an improvement.

Morocco's King Mohammed pardoned over 8,400 prisoners on the occasion of the festivities marking his wedding, the Royal Palace said on Friday. / What a remarkable guy, the day he's losing freedom he's giving it to so many others.

Bangkok authorities are to put microchip implants in pet dogs carrying data about their owners in a bid to curb the Thai capital's rising population of strays. / Does this mean rather than having fish and chips the speciality will be dogs and chips?

Indian police arrested two men in Calcutta accused of selling bottles of cow urine mixed with cow dung and claiming they were cures for AIDS, cancer and tuberculosis. / How stupid can people be, that's the cure for anthrax, hair loss and halitosis.

Researchers from the University of Chicago and other schools concluded that about the same proportion of couples who avoided divorcing despite an unhappy marriage ended up just as happy five years later as those who had split up. / On the other hand those that killed their ex’s were enormously happy.

July 15

John Walker Lindh, the American Taliban, pleaded guilty Monday to two charges in a surprise deal with prosecutors that spared him from life in prison. "Early parole that’s my goal and should make the sentence a fitting penitence" rhymed Lindh.

A gunman, police are describing as a deranged neo-Nazi allegedly tried to assassinate French President Chirac. / If you’re like me, you hate when those neo-Nazis become deranged.

Unarmed Nigerian women let go 200 of the 700 trapped at a ChevronTexaco plant they occupied last week. They threatened to use nudity as a weapon in their protest for jobs and development. / Those poor hostages, one can only hope things don’t escalate and they’re forcibly moved to the local Hooters or somehow the Playboy mansion gets involved.

The Pentagon despite an Arab newspaper claiming it, said Monday it had no information to corroborate reports that suspected terrorist mastermind Osama bin Laden is alive and well after suffering shrapnel wound in December. / The Pentagon confessed this "Laden thing" was a cash cow and they hardly cared.

In a surprising blockbuster merger that would expand the reach of the world's largest drug company in the biggest deal announced so far this year, Pfizer Inc. has agreed to buy rival Pharmacia Corp. for about $60 billion in stock. / To put the move in some perspective, it would have taken John Belushi, Elvis, Kurt Cobain and Darrel Strawberry a lifetime of drug-spending to equal.

In Long Island a judge found a cemetery not at fault in a coffin fall and the grievers' emotional pain suit was dismissed. Some of these cases are opportunistic it seems, however I'm not sure whether the cemetery was showing good-will when offering a free funeral to the plaintiffs if they died within the next six months.

Police say Frank Lugo, forty-nine, has admitted exposing himself three to five times per week since 1996. Jeff Conway, owner and president of Enviro Technologies, said he was surprised by the news of their handyman's arrest. "Here at work, he was a model citizen," Conway said. "He was a good worker. He never goofed off. That's a total surprise to me." / Perhaps there was a clue when Lugo always uncontrollably giggled about compliments about his "showing up" at work.

In Davie, Florida three days after Scooby, a tan Labrador mix, helped rescue a neighbour from a burning mobile home, the puppy was evicted from the trailer park. The reason: she was fourteen pounds too heavy. / I always thought it was a condition of trailer park bitches to be over weight.

In Gallitzin, Pennsylvania population 1,700; probably 95 percent of them church folk, borough council President Nancy Buck figures -- has been a trifle rattled in the six weeks since a smallish coalition of atheists decided to plant their regional headquarters in a high visibility spot there. / Perhaps there would be good-will if the atheists removed a sign reading "We won't prey upon you, don't pray upon us."

Christine Stelmack moved to Seattle after hearing (thanks to Microsoft) it has the nation's highest concentration of men who are millionaires. She wasn't out to land one — at least not for herself. Instead, her one-woman operation, MultiMillionaire MatchMaking Club, aims to match men with a net worth of at least $1 million with women — for a long-term relationship and possibly marriage. / What's the expression, "a millionaire geek and his money..."

July 16

President Bush, speaking in Birmingham, Alabama. tried to restore investor confidence by declaring that the economy was coming back, but he warned that it had to work through a "hangover" after an "economic binge" that lasted much of the last decade. / Ted Kennedy replied, "Geez if that's the case just give it some hair of the dog."

NBA star Alan Iverson surrendered to police today. Police Commissioner Sylvester Johnson told reporters that Iverson would be in custody until at least late afternoon. He was being held separately from other prisoners, but would not get any other special attention. / A somewhat relieved Iverson said, "I'm appreciative, here's one place I'd hate to be double-teamed.

Two members of the Iranian national soccer team have received dozens of lashes for "moral corruption," according to the state-owned Iran newspaper. / That's got to be less painful then tabloid magazines and television harassing you.

Mali's former dictator Moussa Traore has finally agreed to leave prison, weeks after he was pardoned for murder, because the government has found a suitably dignified residence for him, an aide said Monday. / Commenting on prison, Traore stated, "the food was excellent and the sex extraordinary."

Fancy a glass of water recycled from sinks and toilets? That's the reality Singaporeans may soon face as the city state searches for alternatives to cut its dependence on neighbouring Malaysia, which supplies half of its water. / Hmn, does this increase or diminish those complaints, "I can't buy a bottle of beer, only rent it."

Lau Yiu-hung, a Hong Kong kitchen worker has been jailed for twenty-nine months for biting off the tip of his former girlfriend's finger. Apparently she left him for one of his friends in April. / Yiu-hung sulked, "she promised her whole hand; she couldn't spare a souvenir?"

Police in Manchester appealed for information after a gang of clowns mounted an armed raid on a wine bar. / Police were astonished, commenting, "Usually clowns raid the pubs and prissy asses raid wine bars."

Israeli air force jets scrambled to escort an incoming airliner after air traffic controllers mistook an Uzbek pilot's complaint about an unruly passenger for a potential terror attack. / The airliner pilot's confirmed that the passenger immediately became docile when he was informed the Israeli jets were coming for him.

Today in 1790, the District of Columbia was established as the seat of the United States government. / Checking my thesaurus, seat synonym for posterior or seemingly more correct, slang for ass.

David Farragut became the first rear admiral in the American Navy today in 1862. / Does this make him the first don’t ask don’t tell?

July 17

Canadian Mohamed Chelali is considered a hero for helping save French President Jacques Chirac’s life. / I agree he saved the French president’s life, much better that, than a Canadian politician.

The American Heart Association is saying one should avoid all smoke. / They’ve even tied it in with their anti-obesity campaign and saying avoid even smoked meats.

Canadian Justice Minister Martin Cauchon suggested Ottawa would decriminalize cannabis and or not harass you for having simple possession of marijuana. / In other words Canada’s considers "legalizing shit and or get off the pot."

British Prime Minister today became the first British leader to subject himself to interrogation by a panel from the House of Commons, he was accused of acting presidential and came through unscathed. / Blair afterwards commented, "If they had found me presidential, I’d have vetoed the decision and appointed new interrogators.

Cops say they smelled alcohol on Julia Anderson, but the anti-alcohol seventeen-year-old Miss Texas beauty queen denies drinking. / How upsetting an incident like this, how is it possible there wasn't a Bush involved?

A British bank said on Tuesday it had apologized to a man after sending a letter to his dead wife that began "Dear Mrs. Deceased." / The bank stated the letter was anticipatory, usually the person drops dead after receiving notice of the service fees, not before.

A British teenager described as being obsessed with vampires is accused of butchering a ninety-year-old woman, cutting out her heart and drinking her blood. /. No it wasn't Margaret Thatcher while she's closing on ninety, everyone knows she hasn't a heart.

Australia's Commonwealth Games swim team, will fly to Europe this weekend armed with masks to fight jet lag. / Australian fans if their team does well are expected to respond with, "who were those masked men we wished to thank them."

Today in 1955, Disneyland debuted in Anaheim, California. / Even in those days unless you were Goofy you recognized it was more than a Mickey Mouse operation.

Spain ceded Florida to the United States, today in 1821. / Of course thanks to Cubans, Mexicans and other Hispanics it’s once again a Spanish territory.

July 18

Spain regained control of Perejil Island, an island about football field size and occupied by about fifty goats; after Morocco earlier had seized it. / Said the island’s inhabitants, "We’re always kidding but wazzup with those two?

The United States Census Bureau states those with a college degree instead of just high school should make over their working period about $1-million more. / Of course when you deduct tuition, books and the interest on student loans you should break even and the high school and college graduate should both enjoy their careers at McDonald’s.

Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart are supposedly dating. / I’m presuming he knows the skinny about her.

Statistics Canada reveals Canada has an ageing population. / I’m presuming for Canadian’s ageing is the preferred alternative.

Britain's first ever dung-fired power station started operating on Thursday, taking the excrement of nearly 5,000 cows and lighting up homes around Devon. / Depending upon the success of this, authorities are considering checking how many London homes can be lighted by the bullshit emanating from Parliament.

A bi-coastal wiener war is brewing in Los Angeles, where immigrants from the former Soviet Union are snorting with indignation over a Brooklyn, New York-made sausage named after the late Soviet dictator, Joseph Stalin. / Who ever thought headlines of a bi-coastal wiener war wouldn't involve talent agents with clients on both coasts?

A confidential police document detailing personal security for Britain's interior minister has been found outside a pub. / The British are visibly upset because unlike their North American counterparts, British police don't frequent doughnut shops so they're very quizzical why this was found outside rather than inside a pub.

An Iranian man, convicted for raping and killing his sixteen-year-old nephew, will be executed by being thrown off a cliff in a sack. / While having zero sympathy for the uncle, I'm happy the Iranian economy is doing so well they can afford a sack.

Celebrating his eighty-fourth birthday today, is former South African President Nelson Mandela. / Of course Mandela encountered a multitude of obstacles on the way to the presidency, I’m not sure how sensitive he is to talking about the time he served as Winnie’s husband.

Today in 1969, a car driven by Senator Edward Kennedy, plunged off a bridge on Chappaquiddick Island near Martha's Vineyard; passenger Mary Jo Kopechne died. / Perhaps I’m showing my age by revealing I remember the fall out- then satirical magazine, National Lampoon being sued for suggesting Kennedy could have been President if only he drove a Volkswagen.

July 19

Psychiatrists have discovered we’re hardwired to perform seemingly selfless acts. / Personally, I’m willing to accept any cash sacrifices people wish to make.

Members of Jean Chretien’s Cabinet are urging him to expand the Trans-Canada Highway to four lanes. / How thoughtful, the Chretien Cabinet wishes for Canadians to be able to go down the highway easier, when Canadians, easily, would like the Chretien Cabinet to go down the highway.

Thomas White, the Army secretary and a former top executive for Enron, told a senate committee that he was unaware of any efforts by Enron to manipulate energy prices. / The bad news if he’s guilty it means finding another Army secretary. If he’s honest, then he doesn’t know what’s going on around him and you need a new army secretary.

Researchers say the longer women breast-feed the more protected they are against breast cancer. / I guess women will find life sucks or life sucks.

The Keck family of Dayton has not had a daughter born into it for more than one-hundred years. / They do console themselves with having had some very pretty boys and never dating their sisters.

Former Baywatch star and Playboy model Traci Bingham stopped traffic in Berlin by wearing a lettuce bikini to promote vegetarianism. / Sorry Ms Bingham but that's a mixed message, you dressed that way invites me to carnivorism.

Germans are the most welcome travellers around the world, according to a survey and Britons are the least wanted. The survey ranked Germans top of the list for behaviour and linguistic efforts and second only to the Americans in politeness. / Brits are consoling themselves that a survey stated the same thing back in 1941, besides any survey that ranks Americans highest in politeness isn’t only flawed but absurd.

Royal Canadian Mounted Police in Burnaby, British Columbia have been posing as squeegee kids to catch people who are breaking the law by not wearing seat belts. Money collected by the squeegee officers is being donated to a local food bank. / First they're posing as squeegee kids, second they're ticketing motorists; why don't they just give the local food bank a dollar and let the bank consider itself ahead.

Today in 1975, the Apollo and Soyuz space capsules that were linked in orbit for two days separated. / Of course in fairness, the capsules at least were linked longer than many Hollywood romances.

British Prime Minister Winston Churchill launched his "V for Victory" campaign in Europe today in 1941. / Actually, historians point out Churchill, a heavy smoker, was indicating for a butt, but after he got misconstrued he rolled with it.

July 22

Just 12 hours after filing the largest bankruptcy in corporate history, WorldCom chastened but optimistic chief executive said the company hoped to emerge from court protection in under a year with a shrunken debt load and fewer peripheral assets. / Phew, I thought he'd include cuts to CEO salaries.

Amid a continuing stock market slide, President Bush insisted today that the economic fundamentals were sound. / Of course this is the same President who insisted he believed in the immediate capture of bin Laden after all his family departed the States for Saudi Arabia.

An independent report into last year's foot-and-mouth epidemic, which laid waste to Britain's farming industry, criticises the government's handling of the outbreak. How surprising, usually governments are leaders in foot-and-mouth.

The number of Americans with Alzheimer's disease could more than triple to 16-million by 2050, new research indicates. / Interestingly it's expected to be pervasive amongst Republican CEO's as they're expected to spend their days muttering, "lessons of Reagan economics? Savings and Loans? Enron? K-Mart? WorldCom?

Baseball players are still at least ten days away from considering possible strike dates. / It's hard to decide where to place your sympathies, the players making multi-millions for playing essentially a kid's game or the owners who somehow still wind-up with billions while playing with their teams like toys.

Thousands of young Catholics are arriving in Toronto for the World Youth Conference that will include a visit by Pope John Paul II. / Young Catholics gathering to meet an elderly priest, does this sound like a good combination?

Jesse Jackson announced on Sunday, at the Rainbow/PUSH Coalition Citizenship Education Fund conference that he has chosen James Meeks, pastor of Salem Baptist Church, to succeed him as president of the Chicago-based civil rights organization. / I believe what Jackson actually said was, "For this organization I've done my part, now it's time for me to look to my heart, I believe it has found what it seeks with the appointment of James Meeks."

In golf action Ernie Els clinched the third major title of his career on Sunday, winning the 2002 British Open. / Geez if Tiger Woods doesn't win does that mean things are going to Els?

Former American Attorney General Janet Reno was back in action Friday night, throwing a nightclub dance party to raise funds for her Florida gubernatorial campaign. / The band apparently played a Whiter shad of Pale in her honour.

The Virgin Mary has been spotted in an open area next to a True Value hardware store in Chicago. / Granted there are many of these stories, but I believe here there's some credibility, afterall wasn't her family involved in the carpentry business?

July 23

The Pope arrived in Canada today and was greeted the Prime Minister. / The Pontiff was somewhat baffled by Chretien promising I’ll kiss the ring but I’m not having oral sex with you," The Prime Minister’s handlers explained, the combination of church scandals and declining popularity made Chretien wish to set right the rumours he wasn’t going down on Poles.

A study reports twenty-six percent of Canadians flirt at work. / That seems like a low statistic when compared to how many announced they’re screwed at work.

North American politicians are trying to reassure the public about the rollercoaster stock market. / Great right after the greed-mongers, politicians rank as a group people really trust.

Scientific research has determined that whales experience REM (Rapid Eye Movement) sleep. This means whales sleep. / Perhaps not surprisingly they all dream of Jonah and his getting away.

Turkish troops leading the International Security Assistance Force for Afghanistan won friends among hundreds of Afghan families after army doctors carried out a mass circumcision of boys who had missed the important Muslim ceremony for one reason or another. For Afghani males this ceremonial act occurs mostly between two to five-years-old. / Jewish males usually have the operation at eight-days-old and usually can't walk for two years thereafter.

A Sacramento Juvenile Court judge has ordered a seventeen-year-old boy to pay $2- million in restitution for a high school fire. / Immediately thereafter the teenager's luck improved as a WorldCom head-hunter hired him as an executive saying, "If he can handle $2-million in debt at his age than he's our type."

In Burlington Massachusetts, an Idaho man was arrested last night after police caught him running naked. "He did not appear to be under the influence of alcohol or drugs, nor did he appear to suffer from any mental health issues, police said. / Probably the fact police captured him indicates what he was about; he was on a losing streak.

Sun worshippers in the up-market French Mediterranean resort of La Grande-Motte are being told to cover up when they step off the beach, or else face a fine. / This is hardly new, places have had cover charges forever.

Koalas killed by cars are to be painted a fluorescent red and left on the side of roads for 24 hours in a shock tactic to make Australian motorists drive more carefully through the marsupials' breeding grounds. / Considering Australians dine on their other famous marsupial, kangaroo; I'm not certain they won't protest that the koalas are painted fluorescent beforehand.

Today in 1885, Ulysses Grant, died in Mount McGregor. / Probably due to some clerical error, Americans have no idea where he was buried. July 24

Catholic youths from around the globe came to Toronto for religious unity and they came to see and hear Pope John Paul II. / When asked the possible attraction between vital youths and a frail Pontiff, most replied we liked the songs he did with George and Ringo and even though he was already old, some of the songs he did with his late wife Linda.

President Bush's job approval dipped amid nervousness about economy. / Or possibly people are finally waking up after September 11th panic and seeing reality.

The Stock market continues its decline. / Investors would love to hear two simple words-up yours.

The Bush administration condemned (rightfully in my opinion) Israel’s bombing attack that killed a Hamas leader as heavy handed as it also killed fourteen innocent civilians. / However, I’m wondering is that heavy handed like bombing Canadians on a practise or an Afghani wedding or…

A massive asteroid could hit Earth in just seventeen years' time, destroying life as we know it, create a meltdown of our economic and social life, and would reduce us to Dark Age conditions. / In other words the worst case scenario it would be like the current Bush administration.

Under a measure approved by the San Francisco Board of Supervisors, voters will be asked in November whether the city should look into ways to begin growing medical marijuana for sick people. / I’m not sure how the vote will turn out but I’m predicting if it’s affirmed you can predict a sharp increase in sick days.

In Gainesville, Florida the car that David Lander allegedly broke into is equipped with an anti-theft device that automatically locks the doors when the car alarm is triggered. / It just wasn't Lander's week, the previous day he was caught for six hours when the power went out on an escalator.

Romanian doctors performed an unusual operation: they took a twenty-four centimeter snake out of a patient’s gastrointestinal tract. / Apparently the snake was one-eyed and the patient has been bragging "the doctors removed my twenty-four centimeter one-eyed snake but I'm still pleasing the wife with my other one-eyed snake.

Canada has slipped to third on the United Nations list of most desirable places to live. Norway has climbed to first. / Of course Norwegians will argue their country was always more fjord –able.

Today's birthdays include Ruth Buzzi, old-lady persona; wonder woman? Lynda Carter, television persona; Wonder Woman and Jennifer Lopez, any persona; Wonder! Woman!

July 25

The Pope spoke in Toronto today and his being in Toronto is effecting traffic. / Especially the Cross-town traffic.

The New York Stock Exchange is looking at building a second trading floor away from Wall Street. / Delaying the action is whether there'll be any companies’ left with shares to trade in.

In Canada a Liberal Party pollster has found there’s a split on gay unions. / Pardon my ignorance but I believe it’s the split that facilitates a gay union.

In Japan customers who book a seat on Fuji Kyuko's Friday night beer run can sit back and spend a two-hour trip being served as much locally brewed beer as they can drink. However, beer-drinking passengers should take advantage of stops at stations along the route because the train has no toilets. / In Greater Toronto Area, it's the reverse situation, no beer, but there's Go trains.

A Sudanese woman is two months pregnant with nine foetuses after undergoing two years of infertility treatment at a Saudi hospital. / This woman has a litter need for womb service.

Surgeons have managed to stitch back a Moroccan boy's penis after it was bitten off by a donkey. / I always thought the expression was, "So what's biting your ass?"

An Egyptian court has jailed a man and his wife for six months for posting pornographic photos and films of themselves on the Internet / First the naked body is beautiful and natural, second the Internet is international, third this should be about privacy; now would the Egyptian courts prefer the couple to also be in de Nile?

A Texas dentist has been charged with killing her orthodontist husband by repeatedly running over him with her Mercedes Benz. / The woman is claiming it was an accident, I'm sure the trial will reveal the whole tooth.

Retiring after a fifty-three-year career as the Royal Navy’s longest-serving laundryman is Chick Shun Chui. / That’s got to be a thankless task, removing seamen stains.

Unidentified gunmen disguised as women sneaked into a dance girl agency in Kyrgyzstan's capital Bishkek this week and shot dead its South Korean owner, his wife and an elderly woman, state police said Thursday. / I've heard of travesties of law is this transvestites of law?

July 26

John Entwistle, the fifty-seven-year-old bass player for the rock band The Who, died from a heart attack caused by cocaine use, the Clark County coroner said Thursday ruling the death accidental and said it was not an overdose. / How reassuring, you hate to think of your rock and rollers dying and not having drugs as a contributory cause.

Seif el-Islam Gadhafi, a son of Libya's leader, has opened an exhibit of art and antiquities from his country, including dozens of his own paintings, in an effort to promote tourism in the North African state. / Truthfully, the only culture in Libya isn't goat yoghurt but I don't think that's what's keeping people away anyway.

Speaking to the youth, yesterday, the Pope said, "the journey to happiness is a painful one." / Coincidentally this is exactly what my dominatrix tells me.

The naked sunbathers who once filled Munich's central park on warm summer days are turning their backs on Germany's famous open-air celebration to nudity. / Authorities are claiming it's a new prudence, but I believe once a nudist always a nudist, therefore I believe they've found a new place to hang out.

Archaeologists in Albania have found what appears to be Europe's oldest chessman, suggesting the game was played on the continent at least 500 years earlier than previously thought, a British professor says. /Are we suppose to be gullible pawns and believe or should we check mate?

In Dayton, Michael Ford accused of trying to steal riding lawn mowers didn't go far when he tried to run from cops. An officer says: "He only made it as far as the back yard as he had a prosthetic leg, which came off when he was running. / Humorous perhaps, nevertheless it begs the larger question, was he fully armed?

In California a four-week-old goat was left at the Monrovia library Thursday, perhaps as protest against the city's controversial plan to use goats to remove hillside vegetation. / Where's the sense in that, these people must be kidding

A crematorium specifically for pets has opened in Bangkok. / A lovely concept for the grieving owner, however how often will it be mistaken as an eatery.

In Bellevue, Washington a family is suing McDonald's over their then-fifteen-year-old daughter's downward spiral into sex, drugs and alcohol as a runaway. They claim the fast-food giant allowed a convicted felon to supervise their daughter. / In fairness to McDonald's pimply teenagers and Alzheimered elderly aren't always available.

Renee Koutsouradis, is suing Delta Airlines claiming a security agent forced her to open her bag and hold up her sex toy in front of airline employees and passengers. Three male Delta employees nearby "began laughing hysterically" and offered "obnoxious and sexually harassing comments," her lawsuit says. / However, Koutsouradis not willing to discuss how a sex toy of a twelve inch pianist came into her possession.

July 29

European allies are concerned that the Afghan government's plan, supported by the United States, to stabilize the country won't work. Specifically, they point out that the plan only calls for 30,000 men to be disarmed and given job-training. There are an estimated 200,000 fighters in Afghanistan. / In fairness to the American and Afghani governments they had the accounting firm of Arthur Anderson vouch that would balance things.

Sunday morning the nine miners who had been trapped twenty-four stories below ground for about three days were rescued. / The miners all seemed in agreement, stating, "please don't make us return to Pittsburgh."

Lance Armstrong yesterday won his fourth consecutive Tour de France. / Commenting his father said, does he sell anything in the store? Nothing. What kind of peddler is this?

The al-Qaeda terrorist organization organized by bin Laden with his own money is now led by bin Laden’s eldest son, Saad bin Osama bin Laden, the Arab newspaper Asharq Al Awsat informs. / I always find it nicer dealing with a family operation rather than some faceless conglomerate.

A new United States strategy to depose Iraq's President, Saddam Hussein, involves seizing Baghdad and one or two key command centres and weapons depots. / They're certainly Saddamed if they don't but possibly they're still Saddamed if they do. The Pope held mass for approximately 800,000 yesterday in Toronto and some people thought he'd go nuclear because of greed, like WorldCom, or peace because of terrorism and the Mideast or sexuality because of the churches incidences and countries legalizing homosexual unions. / However rather than nuclear, it seems this was no critical mass.

In Canada the Prime Minister's son has been charged with sexual assault. / Seems the family pursues a screwing even when the people are telling them "no"

Canadian triathlon Kelly Guest has tested positive for drug usage at the Commonwealth Games. He claims it wasn't his fault. / In fairness adding to a Canadian's confusion is the number of dopes found in Canada. San Jose radio personality "Mikey'' Esparza was kicked off the air after suggesting that kidnappers buy tarps and lye to dispose of murder victims. Talking about the seven-year-old Philadelphia girl who escaped from her abductors by gnawing through duct tape, Esparza said: "That's why I don't use duct tape; that's why I use nylon rope.'' / Hmn, considering the targets Attorney General Ashcroft has pointed out to terrorist possible places to attack could he be next? Richard Craven and Mike Affarano found the cremated ashes of a Chicago man's grandparents in a white '95 Ford they bought for $101 on Thursday from a police impound lot. / Craven and Affarano stated they were delighted with the deal but couldn't understand what the sales rep was going on about when he repeated sits six comfortably

July 30

The Pope left Toronto yesterday after days of interaction with the world youth. In other words. Pope pilot pops pond parking Pearson Port. Pontiff, pilgrims plus parishioners praise, pray, partake platitudes. Pope, pilgrims pleased partaking, plus probably pleasantly pooped part.

In China locusts swarming pavements and shady sides of buildings in their capital this summer do not pose a danger to people or crops, just a nuisance, their experts say. / In addition the locusts are considered a fine source of protein.

Early morning exercise may increase your likelihood of picking up an infection, according to a new British study published today. / If you're like me you're health conscious than you’re cognizant that it's always early morning somewhere. Vice goes right to top, say Catholic victims. / I've misunderstood this, I thought the abuse was of bottoms.

The nine coal miners who were rescued from a cramped, flooded shaft decided early in their seventy-seven-hour ordeal that they would "live or die as a group," / In private eight admit the fatter member of the group was either looking like a floatation device or tasty.

In Korea dog meat especially packaged for heating up in the microwave is now available. / Opinion seems split with some people saying it's "ruff "and others saying they can just "woof them down."

In Saskatchewan the moose hunting season has been shortened and less licenses distributed as an infestation of ticks is killing calves and less healthy moose. / The hunters understandably aren’t happy, however they see the wisdom in not being fully ticked off.

The Federal Liberal Party is fighting against legalizing homosexual marriages. / Who’d have thought an institution so committed to buggering so many would oppose an institution that allows others to bugger.

The Commonwealth Games continue with the medal hunt being lead by Australia in first, England in second and Canada placing third. / Canadians find themselves asking, "When does Australia become a republic?

Investors went heavily into the market yesterday, prompting one economist to label it "Green Monday." / At times like this I hearken to the words of Kermit the Frog "It isn’t easy being green."

July 31

George Bush has nominated Texas Judge Priscilla Owen to the bench of the American high courts. Judge Owen has been known for her zealous defense of oil and energy companies, in some circles called Judge Enron. / I’m guessing Bush certainly is showing business how serious he is on cracking down on corporate greed, wink.

According to the German Institute for Urbanism Berliners are committing collective suicide by not having children, the institute stating, "People are having too much fun to have children."/ I always thought one of life’s "funnest" activities was trying to have children.

The United States government is worried Islamic extremists are posed to take over the Saudi Arabia government. / I believe what the U.S. is hoping for is American friendly Sheikh, not Islamic stirred

Moira Barber is organising a march on Parliament Hill protesting that funding for gastric bypass surgery, aka as stomach-stapling is being eliminated. / The protest hopes to tell Ottawa, ‘You can cut the fat or you can cut the fat."

President Bush is upset with Democrats for not supporting the Republicans in requiring those on welfare work forty rather than thirty hours per week to get benefits saying it encourages people to work. / I think Bush is onto something, if you make people work eighty hours a week for their welfare benefits, you probably will see the welfare rates plummet altogether.

Approximately 10,000 bras have been strung along six miles of the Las Vegas Strip to raise breast cancer awareness. / I just know I don’t want to be travelling that Strip when they raise colon cancer awareness.

North Korea is prepared to resume negotiations with the United States and Japan, but wishes Russia to act as their broker. / I know news doesn’t come out of North Korea, but I wonder if news goes in and the Koreans know that unlike them the Russians are no longer Communist.

In England, Alan Duncan the Conservative’s spokesperson on foreign affairs has announced he’s homosexual. / The Conservative Party is fully backing him with the proviso his homosexuality remains a foreign affair.

American Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld asserts air power alone can’t defeat Iraq. / It’s believed for all their power nobody has no more err power than the States.

August 01

An American Senate committee recommended authorizing $2.5-billion in reconstruction aid for Afghanistan over the next four years. / They're however undecided if they should bomb Afghanistan with the aid or deliver it with another method.

The Pope finished his tour of this side of the Atlantic with a visit in Mexico, where crowds greeted him enthusiastically. / Of course part of the Mexican enthusiasm might be related to the fact the Pontiff performed more songs than Britney Spears did on her recent tour.

Illiteracy can be a mental disability and shouldn’t prevent a Somali woman from becoming Canadian a judge has. ruled. Speaking further a Citizenship and Immigration spokesperson said she didn’t know why citizens must be able to speak French or English or answer questions about the country. / Granted, we don’t impose that standard for Prime Minister but…

In Lancaster, California two teenage girls abducted at gunpoint early today from a lovers' lane were rescued after their kidnapper was slain in a shootout with sheriff's deputies 100 miles away, authorities said. / The parent's reaction was. "Our daughters are homosexual?"

Some little people irked by 'dwarfsploitation' in movies citing the character of Mini-Me in the Austin Powers movies. / Sure they give an example like that dwarf, why not Tom Cruise?

One key biochemical mechanism for shedding weight is an internal furnace that converts food directly into body heat instead of stored fat; a complicated process called "diet-induced thermogenesis. / Great, my body is a temple not a reactor.

Animal rights activists are upset a Scottish zoo allowed its lions to perform incest. / You’d think the Scots would have to look no further than the British Royal Family for the dangers of inbreeding.

A cash crunch in the Lithuanian city of Kaunas has left their parks overgrown with weeds and cannabis. / I believe Kaunas has just become a major tourist destination, at least for the glaucoma set.

Six endangered manatees beached themselves in Florida but wildlife agents assured would-be rescuers the sea cows were not stranded -- just taking a breather from the amorous attention of pursuing males. / The manatee themselves were surprised by the would-be rescuers until one of them reminded the others, this was what Oprah went through as well.

In Bellevue Washington a son that kept his elderly father locked in a room wearing a garbage bag as diaper was arrested on suspicion of criminal mistreatment and unlawful imprisonment. / When asked if he couldn't think of a better way to treat his father, the man replied, "Depends?"

August 02

Top defense officials met today to plot better ways to press the hunt for al-Qaida terrorists, following reports Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld is unhappy with the pace of the mission in Afghanistan. / The better and improved way will be lemon scented.

President Hamid Karzai dismissed allegations today that the United States tried to cover up a deadly air strike and said a continued American presence was crucial to Afghanistan's future. / He added, "as long as I require American Special Forces bodyguards I'll believe that.

Secretary of State Colin Powell will have a courtesy call in Malacanang Palace tomorrow. Powell is on a one-day visit in Manila for talks with Philippine President Arroyo on the war against global terrorism. / Commenting on the mission, President Bush said, "Manila? Sure hope he brings home some of them special envelopes."

President Bush will mark the September 11 terror attacks anniversary by visiting New York, the Pentagon and the field in Pennsylvania where United Flight 93 crashed. / The President stated he's prepared to go anywhere to prevent his approval rating from collapsing.

Marisleysis Gonzalez, the cousin of Elian Gonzalez, today officially opened for business a beauty salon. / She stated, "Hell I'm prettier than any Clinton bimbo and not a call from Penthouse."

Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris announced her resignation retroactive to July 15 so that she can be the Republican candidate for Congress. / Harris claimed she couldn't resign sooner as she had to prepare the ballots in advance.

Elton John has become the latest of Janet Reno's celebrity friends to help her campaign for governor. He's agreed to perform at a private, $500-per-ticket fund-raiser event on Sept. 18, 2002, at a suburban Fort Lauderdale hotel. / He's believed to be coming up with a special song just for her, the working title "Candle in the Wind."

Bob Dylan is scheduled to perform tomorrow at the Newport Folk Festival in Newport, Rhode Island, his first appearance back at the folk festival since he went electric in 1965. / Asked what he'll be performing, Dylan mumbled a response.

Britain is facing a sharp rise in its rat population as growing numbers of people leave fast food scraps in the street. / That's a double winner, first the food isn't going into their bodies and second if they capture the rats, there's a major food export to Asia.

Two Greek bank robbers part of a gang of four who robbed a bank teller of 300,000 euros were caught with their pants down as they were changing into swimming trunks in a bid to portray themselves as innocent tourists. / I believe the gentlemen already are familiar with life in a penile institution.

August 05

Twelve Israelis were killed in bomb and shooting attacks on Sunday and early today, prompting Israel to suspend planned talks with Palestinians and weigh a response to the bloodshed. / Israeli response is expected to cause Palestinians to suspend planned talks with Israelis and weigh a response to the bloodshed. If you’re keeping score at home, evil, hatred, stupidity has a seeming insurmountable lead over truth, peace and harmony.

The company that held the lease for the World Trade Centre estimates its losses from the September 11 terrorist attacks amount to $8.2 billion. / The owners claim "Thank God we didn't take rental revenues and put them in the market instead of bingo.

North and South Korea have agreed to high-level talks as part of efforts to get their reconciliation process back on track after a nine-month hiatus. In another sign that relations between the two may be thawing, North Korea has promised to participate in a regional sports competition in the South. / In fact things were so amiable both sides argued who brings the dog next time.

Taiwanese President Chen Shui-bian weekend declaration that both Taiwan and China are independent countries may have raised tensions with China. / I guess the mainland Chinese government feel the lack of interaction for fifty-three years was the postal system's screw up.

Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder said Germany was not prepared to rush into action against Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "I can only warn against discussing a war in Iraq without thinking about the consequences and without having a political concept for the whole Middle East." / Responding President Bush stated, "Cripes if we did that we'd have never backed Saddam against Iran or Osama against the Russians or…

Animal rights activists have urged a Hong Kong-based supermarket chain, to stop selling dog meat in Mainland China. / I'm totally supportive, afterall isn't dog for Koreans, rat for the Japanese and cat for the Chinese?

The American Psychological Association states how one feels about getting old is more important even than having low blood pressure or cholesterol. Those with positive views about ageing lived an average 7.6 years longer than those with negative perceptions. / Great if they didn't annoy me about blood pressure or cholesterol I wouldn't mind getting older.

Honouring World Breastfeeding Week which starts Thursday, 1135 mothers gathered in Berkeley, California and set a new record for simultaneous suckling. / Of course politicians were banned from the event, as there was no space for useless teats.

Today in 1924, the comic strip "Little Orphan Annie," by Harold Gray, made its debut and in 1957, "American Bandstand," hosted by Dick Clark, made its network debut on ABC television. / I'll grant you there's thirty-three years between debuts but both debuted at different ages and neither has aged since debuting.

Forty years ago, today, actress Marilyn Monroe was found dead in her Los Angeles home. Her death was ruled a probable suicide from an overdose of sleeping pills. / Of course others label it another time the Kennedy’s got away with something.

August 06

A briefing given last month to a top Pentagon advisory board described Saudi Arabia as an enemy of the United States, and recommended that American. officials give it an ultimatum to stop backing terrorism or face seizure of its oil fields and its financial assets invested in the United States / Granted the terrorists are from there, the Laden family is there, they treat women like chattel, there's no democracy but on the other hand they're interconnected with the Bush family.

President Bush announced plans Tuesday for a White House summit next month on missing, exploited and runaway children. / They're hoping to find some cutesy kid to act as a poster child for the project.

A team of more than fifty doctors and nurses at Mattel Children's Hospital today separated one-year-old twin girls joined since birth at the tops of their heads. / I understand the logic, but now I'm confused, aren’t two heads supposedly better than one?

According to Nielsen media Research The Anna Nicole Show" premiered to record numbers Sunday. / Really did somebody expect the figures to be flat, though I'm sure soon enough it'll all be a bust.

The Commonwealth Games ended on Sunday. / To me there was some bittersweetness; Natalie Du Toit a South African swimmer, with one leg recently amputated won gold in the handicapped part of the games but failed to win a medal in the regular and I'd been optimistic a one-legged swimmer would swim circles around the competition.

Yesterday concluded Toronto International Carnival concluded, formerly named Caribana, it started as an Island event the Trinidadians and Jamaicans celebrated as part of their culture uniqueness. / I won't say white folks have co-opted the event but the biggest seller at the event was roti with egg-salad and extra mayonnaise.

In Minnesota two prison employees reprimanded for reading their Bibles in silent protest of an employer-sponsored training session on homosexuality have been awarded $78,000 in damages by a federal jury. / Personally I'm ambivalent about either activity being taxpayer paid for, though it seems both activities involve being on your knees.

In Iran trying to combat a rising prostitution problem their government is pushing "chastity houses" which circumvents the immorality of prostitution by making couples register for a temporary, Islamicly correct marriage and receive a license as well as free contraceptives and health advice. / Sounds like to me, if you live in Iran you're screwed.

In the long-weekend holiday blitz the Ontario Provincial Police charged 850 drivers with various infractions, including driving while participating in sex. / Pardon my ignorance that’s not autoerotic but sex-drive, right?

This afternoon a Toronto police officer suffered a dislocated hip when the horse she was riding stumbled and rolled. / Fortunately for the officer the horse was a gelding so this shouldn’t be a nagging injury.

August 07

Martha Stewart has informed the House Energy and Commerce Committee that she will not answer their questions. / Ho2wever if they care to mail them to her on a nice paper she’ll return them as doilies.

According to Automotive Lease Guide, North American cars haven’t a car that places first in any resell category. / The good news is North American cars fall apart before you concern yourself with reselling them.

The Canadian Cycling Association has approved Michelle Dumaresq a transsexual, as a member of the women’s downhill mountain biking team. However, other team members aren’t pleased about this. / Perhaps they resent that she feels cocky.

Alberta farmers are grateful for the dried grass Ontario has sent them, but are looking for extra drought relief. / Their spokesperson stated, "Hay that’s a fine beginning but we need to be baled out more."

Cherie Blair wife of the British Prime Minister and a lawyer lost the child she was carrying. / My sympathies to the family though I’m not sure- personal tragedy or miscarriage of justice?

American Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has accused Iraq of harbouring al-Qaeda members. / Under closer questioning Rumsfeld said, "Okay maybe their not, but their inviting us for weapons inspections and we’re kind of running of excuses to bomb them."

American scientists say they’ve developed a drug that can prevent and treat botulism, a paralyzing disease that is considered one of the greatest bioterrorist threats. / Great what a boon this should be to Denny’s restaurants.

Hiroshima mayor Tadatoshi Akiba has criticized the United States for unilaterally pursuing its own interest and urged a worldwide ban on weapons of mass destruction. / As if the Mayor of Hiroshima would know what he’s talking about.

A Stanford University professor proposes to replace mouse brains with human neurons. / Seems fair I’ve seen many women replace men with mice.

The Toronto zoo is conducting a study to find out if their inhabitants waste makes a good fuel source. / I’m sure they’ll find what’s watt.

August 08

Iraqi President Saddam Hussein plans to avoid open desert fighting and mass his forces in major cities in case of an U.S. invasion, the Los Angeles Times reported. / Saddam claims he found this the most strategic way to fight after reading the Western press.

In New Orleans ten people on a behind-the-scenes tour at an aquarium plunged into a shark tank after a platform collapsed. No one was seriously injured, officials said. / The group consisted of an amalgam of male lawyers and female donors and as the sharks were men-eating they consequently didn't attack some members they because of their gender whereas they didn't attack the others out of professional courtesy.

China freed a South Korean missionary jailed for eight months for smuggling North Koreans through China to South Korea. / China is still actually incensed with the missionary saying, "with overpopulation in China you couldn’t smuggle Chinese?"

In Philadelphia leaders of the thousands of American priests who belong to various religious orders said the Roman Catholic belief in compassion and forgiveness will guide how they discipline clergy members who molest children. / In the sinners defense, none ordained women as priests or wore a condom something’s which would be excommunicative offenses.

One of the three cabinet ministers appointed by Yasser Arafat, Saeb Erekat, responding to Bush's demand for Arafat's ouster, said, "that cannot be acceptable." Arafat is the elected president of the Palestinian people and the alternative to him is chaos. / Finally the problem focused, what constitutes chaos?

In Hargis, Louisiana, Myra Foreman, kept her husband's decomposing body in their mobile home did so because the "face of the devil" prevented her from going through with funeral arrangements. Detectives are not charging her for failing to report her husband's death saying, "She is not a monster but had a mental disturbance." / Also pushing the police into the sympathetic corner was the woman's claim, "this was her best sex ever."

In Minnesota a man has robbed a Twin Cities bank nearly every day since Friday, the latest robbery happened about 10:30 Wednesday morning. / It's believed the robber is a former Enron or WorldCom executive who's missing robbing the public every day.

In Hollywood, Florida, Olga Myers went to a cosmetic surgeon for a face-lift and eye job and ended up with a botched job and in a coma with severe brain trauma and unfortunately died. / Adding to the tragedy of the event, was the funeral home cosmetictian never had her looking better.

In Akron, Police say Danyle Fowler gave her eleven-year-old son an envelope filled with cash and told him to buy her some crack. He returned with some Rolaids and asked her, "Is that crack?'' / What kind of reprehensible parent is that; surely the child should know no later than eight what crack looks like.

In Cambridge, six hours into spinal surgery, Dr. David Arndt told the operating staff he needed to ''step out.'' He went to a bank to deposit his paycheque, and returned 35 minutes later to finish the job. A medical board has suspended him, calling him ''an immediate and serious threat to the health, safety, and welfare of the public / In fairness most doctors are always checking for complications, their payment foremost; it'll be interesting to see if the medical board maintains its’ backbone.

August 09

Ottawa insiders claim regarding homosexual marriages the Chretien government is looking for a quick end. / In fairness to the gay populace I believe if a "quick end was the solution, marriage wouldn’t be the topic.

Joe Clark called Stephen Harper a "graceless" politician and dismissed the Canadian Alliance leader’s call for a joint leadership convention. / Harper is expected to respond, "Grace? To hell with grace we’re going to devour you and your party."

Saddam Hussein has vowed any invasion force will be returned home in coffins. / Addressing the States, he added, "I’m rubber the United States is glue what you guys say bounces off me and sticks to you."

Mariana Pasternak, a friend of Martha Stewart is co-operating with investigators regarding the ImClone insider-trading scandal. / Already people are astounded with the information, Martha Stewart has a friend?

A rare albino gopher, described as white-haired, pink-eyed was shot to become one of the star exhibits of a rodent museum. / I can’t believe how many Love Boat fans upon hearing this believed Bernie Koppel had met his demise.

Scientists report Earth is about to begin a three-day trek through a particularly dusty section of space. /Really this must happen frequently; now what do I bother cleaning for?

In Panama City a dog missing for six years has been reunited with it’s owners thanks to a microchip implanted in her skin. / This sounds wonderful that every dog should have, until you think how many Koreans may be dragged to your mistakenly.

In Bristol Township, Pennsylvania Police say an angry Robert Davy backed his Ford Expedition into a home after a fight, tearing out a nine- by twelve-foot section of the bathroom wall. "I couldn't believe it," says the homeowner. / New Yorkers hearing the news couldn't believe it either saying, ". A nine- by twelve-foot section", that's a large one bedroom apartment.

An African spurred tortoise called Bismarck escaped for the third time in four years from the pen he shared with goats, sheep and llamas at the Mount Laurel Animal Hospital. / Perhaps the hospital has to rethink its policy of using hares as security.

In Doylestown, Pennsylvania Stan Miller, a California man, is accused of brazenly trying to steal the identity of a Bucks County man with the same name and has been brought to Pennsylvania to face charges. / In fairness, Californian Stan Miller, stated he was influenced by the more obscure Beach Boys hit, "Wish they all could be Pennsylvanian Stan Millers"

August 12

The Pentagon confirmed that American fighter pilots are routinely prescribed amphetamines during combat operations. / Kind of puts the slogan "we’ve done more in the morning than you’ll do all day" in a different perspective.

National Rifle Association President, Charles Heston has revealed his doctor says he has symptoms consistent with Alzheimer’s. / As you know Alzheimer’s is about slowly losing your mind; I can’t think of a more appropriate poster-boy for the NRA.

The Catholic Church is looking for $30-milllion to makeup the shortfall World Youth Day cost them. / What a nice change something the youth did screwing the church rather than the other way.

Foreign-travel dangers rose sharply for Canadians in 2001 with the number of assaults rising by fifty per-cent since 1999. / In fairness to the natives of these foreign countries it should be pointed out that the result was mostly because of exuberant cavity searches at customs.

Actor Jason Priestly crashed into a wall at 290km/h at the Kentucky Speedway yesterday, breaking his back and leaving him in serious condition with a concussion and other injuries. / Medical assistance was delayed as the person phoning kept dialing 90210 rather than 911.

The Canadian chapter of People for Ethical Treatment of Animals says American circus animals; especially elephants should be refused entry into Canada as they may have Tuberculosis. / Surely you should be able to tell by their cough.

According to funeral directors more and more people are playing popular songs like "Stairway to Heaven" rather hymns at funerals. / I still say it’s rather nasty to play "Hit the Road Jack."

A man from Texas named John Winter Smith was trying to visit every one of the 3,450 Starbucks on the planet. / You can recognize him, he owns no stocks but nevertheless is extremely jittery.

In Turkmenistan, the President Saparmurat Niyazov is better known as Akbar Turkmenbashi, the Great Leader of all Turkmen. There are cities; streets, mosques, factories and airports already named in his honour, Turkmenbashi. Adding to the honours he’s renaming all of the calendars days and months after various things including changing January’s name to Turkmenbashi. / The citizens of Turkmenistan claim it could have been worse, his name could be Joe-screw-you.

Yesterday was Reverend. Jerry Falwell ‘s sixty-ninth birthday. / He surprised his congregrants by telling them he’d like to enjoy sixty-nine with each of them.

Feedback to Steve