Here's What's What

The News - Regurevitchitated - 2001, A Space Idiocy

Jan 15

Jan 16

1) A review of ballots in Miami Dade, that Al Gore thought would have him winning if the recount was allowed, showed this wasn't the case. Actually seems Ralph Nader should be president.

2) Scalpers are currently getting $2,000 for the cheap seats at Super Bowl. A fair price to pay to watch the game without being forced to try and understand Dennis Miller's obscure references.

3) In China, as a result of three separate murder cases, three separate executions. China leads the world in executions. Come on, unfair, obviously George Bush is distracted.

4) In Britain, violent crime is up 8% and street crime 21%. It seems they're ready to make an offer to Craig T. Nelson.

5) In Canada, they still have the Queen's representative as part of the government, this person is called the Governor General. Seems also, their federal government hasn't approved same sex marriages. Apparently the Governor General breached protocol by sending regrets to a same gender couples wedding. Now who better to attend a gay wedding than a Queen's representative?

6) Kim Jong11 of North Korea is on a secret trip to China.? How is it, if it's a secret trip, I know of it?

7) It seems based upon discovered tools, ancient apeman wasn't the vegetarian we first thought, but also ate termites. This begs the question if apeman's name was Charles; How much would Chuck eat wood chuckers if Chuck would eat wood chuckers.

8) Seems, former Chilean dictator, Augusto Pinochet has dementia. Fair enough if he can't recognize the firing squads he employed to execute others, than he won't recognize the firing squad executing him.

9) China's Shenzhou11 space craft returned safely to earth. The mission is part of their program to have astronauts in space in five.years. / The good news is intergalactic Chinese take out, the bad news fierce competition for those intergalactic scholarships.

10) Today, is the anniversary of the Gulf War. Coincidentally, Kuwait has just again rejected giving women the vote. The way Kuwait treats foreigners and women makes you proud to have defended such a great democracy, just throw in the appreciation they show by keeping oil prices low.

1) Celebity birthdays today include Ali, 1942. Amazing for his ring skills. Al Capone, 1899, amazing for his gangster-like skills without being a politician. Anton Chekov, 1860, who despite when he was born, amazed people with his youthfulness on Star Trek.

2) Former Senator John Ashcroft has pledged to enforce laws he opposes, if named Attorney General./ Does this make him a man of principle or lack thereof?

3) Court cases are repeatedly put over in New York because the poor have a lack of lawyers to represent them. Balancing the lack of lawyers for the poor is the overabundance of poor lawyers.

4) George Steinbrenner is ready to sign Derek Jeter to a long term contract. Bare in mind, Texas Rangers signed Alex Rodriquez to a 10-year, $252 million contract./ Kids, I can't impress upon you enough the value of a good education.

5) Hisham Miki, the director of Palestinian TV, has been killed./ He refused to purchase Survivor for his network.

6) A Harlequin Enterprises international survey has found most people fantasize. Leading all nations was Argentina where 95% of the population fantasize. It seems when they fantasize, only 15% think of their partner./ Hmn, don't cry for me Argentina, I'm on my way, to make your fantasies come true

7) In Venezuela, 140 pairs of women's panties have been mailed to their military brass. This comes after a leading university professor denounced the military for being to servile to President Chavez./ I'm sure the military will wish to get to the bottom of the issue, in women's underwear.

8) Citing European quotas, Chiquita says bankruptcy looms./ Amazing, their bananas seemed to have a peel to everybody.

9) Climatic changes are being blamed for hundreds of penguins making Rio de Janeiro beaches their new homes. Admittedly penguins look like they're wearing tuxedoes, but what's attracting them is the thong bikinis.

10) Philippine President Estrada is facing protesters after it seems his corruption charges may be thrown out./ I don't know of the man's guilt or innocence, it just seems he changed so much since Chips.

1) Bill Clinton received a new 2001 Cadillac limo on Monday. He will have to turn it over to George Bush on Saturday. Nevertheless, he was effusive in praise saying the vehicle had even better working space, security related items/ plus the biggest bonus, "chick magnet."

2) Treasury Secretary-designate, Paul H. O'Neil is suggesting perhaps boss George Bush is wrong, broad tax cuts won't stimulate the economy. I won't say he's confident, but, he's going around saying, "Read my lips, no new tax cuts."

3) Suffice, various factors are contributing to California utility companies ordering "black outs." The upside, these people won't be subjected to prime time TV.

4) OPEC nations have ratified an oil cutback, thereby raising prices. Iraq which has cut production to a trickle could throw a wrench into OPEC's plans by flooding the market with production. Saddam, regarding "Dessert Storm" Whoops!

5) Kimberly-Clark is introducing a new toilet paper, premoistened wipes. This is to compete with their own dry version. I'm unsure of the success it will have, I remember when they introduced colour, I still bought white and coloured it myself.

6) Peter Marc Roget was born on this day back in 1779. I guess one could say "this is the day he sprung from his mother's loins, or he arrived approximately nine months after sexual congress between his parents, or he resulted from a meeting of sperm and egg.

7) Mata Kaila Giri Ma is an Indian yogi. She'll be buried for three days in a ceremony, promoting world peace and harmony. Hopefully for the yogi, there'll be no Boo Boo.

8) A 20-year-old Iranian man has married a 77-year-old virgin. Cynics, suggest he did so because it will cut his compulsory military service in half, saving him two years. Marry a 77-year-old virgin, serve in the Iranian army? Either way, I'd say the guy is screwed.

9) In Brazil, avoiding metal detectors, bandits hid weapons on an infant. After all were in a bank, they had their women accomplice pass them the weapons. Using an infant in that manner, couldn't that possibly become a crying shame.

10) On this day back in 1951, the polygraph was first used. Don't believe me? Hook me up.

Ten Republican Thoughts Heard by a Clairvoyant Telepathist at This Weekend's Inaugural

1) George H. Bush: Damn! If I picked Cheney for myself, I'd probably have been a two-termer and this Clinton guy would never have happened.

2) Barbara Bush: What do they mean I look like his grandmother?

3) Jeb Bush: Yes he's heavy, but he's my brother.

4) Laura Bush: That Hillary is a bitch, but, at least she decorates better than the mother-in-law.

5) Strom Thurmond: Every twenty years a president is shot or dies in office. Good-bye George, this should give Cheney a heart attack. Damn! I'm going to be president.

6) Colin Powell : Thanks to the Hymie, down in Miami, I have a job that's great, I'm Secretary of State. Shoot! I got to stop talking in Jesse Jackson rhyme.

7) John Mc Cain: God, actually in hindsight thank you, I wouldn't have the problems facing this boy for nothing.

8) John Ashcroft: Remember pick up the sheets at the dry cleaner's after this.

9) Dick Cheney: Oh my God am I having a heart attack?

10) George W. Bush: I'm Chief Executive Officer of this country now. Whoopee!! I can't wait to execute somebody.

1) As one of his last acts as before leaving office, outgoing president Clinton, entered an agreement with prosecutors to avert any further indictments./ It seems when Clinton is done serving America, he wishes it to be done serving him.

2) Bush supporters suggest he will walk a fine line between moderates and conservatives./ Oh, oh! It was his difficulty in walking a fine line that finally got him off booze.

3) School vouchers seem to be the first big headache for the Bush administration. Senator Lieberman, speaking on the issue said "I doubt there can be a meeting of the minds." Speaking further, Lieberman added, "That aside, thank God I took my mother's advise and kept a back up job."

4) In California, there has been criticism of Governor Davis; suggesting he was ill-prepared to deal with the energy crisis./ Defending himself, Davis points out in speeches his commitment to assisting "blacks out.."

5) Last night was the Golden Globes./ Too many categories and winners to touch upon but an obvious winner of Golden Globes, Sarah Jessica Parker.

6) The threat of a screenwriters' strike looms./ If it happens, plenty of actors will be left "literally speechless."

7) Pope John Paul 11 named thirty-seven new Cardinals on Sunday./ Fans in St. Louis, were amazed to find out he had anything to do with their team; but are hoping with three major contacts their team will do much better.

8) In Manhattan, to the relief and for the relief of many, they have installed pay toilets./ One elderly, foreign gentleman, looking flushed with success perhaps didn't quite understand the concept. He kept feeding it quarters and running out, shouting "I've got craps."

9) The Rose Center for Earth and Space, a planetarium in Atlanta, has shucked Pluto from it's list; demoting it, to an icy body beyond Neptune./ What lunacy, is this meant to give us more time to look for life on Uranus?

10) China has told the United Nations it hopes to ratify a key international human rights pact in the next two months./ Apparently, that's how long they figure it will take them to round up and execute all government dissenters.

1) George Bush has agreed to killing aid to any agency providing or counseling abortion. Meanwhile, a Nigerian girl, who was forced by her father to have sex with three men, was publicly flogged for premarital sex./ Reached for comment Bush said, "interfere with another's morals we couldn't possibly do that..

2) Police captured four Texas prison escapees in Colorado. The four surrendered peacefully/ saying," We're fine, just don't extradite us to a state where George "Electric Chair" Bush is in charge.

3) It seems California has to braced itself for more blackouts./ The good news is you can predict low, low prices from your back of the truck electronics dealer.

4) After being accused of accepting bribes, Fukushiro Nukaga, of the Japanese parliament has resigned from his cabinet post of State Minister for the Economy, Industry and Information Technology. He is to be replaced by Taro Aso./ I'm not positive but I believe Taro has important American relatives. I've heard of well placed Aso's.

5) Britain is allowing the cloning of embryos, for research./ I'm not sure how much the public is listening to this; but rest assured if it's an embryo of Prince Charles, it'll be all ears.

6) The WTO is looking for a new host city for their next round of talks. Seattle seems to be out because of the riots./ "Besides, said a WTO official we weren't impressed with their coffee shops."

7) Celestine Chua is a seven-year-old and has been a Mensa member since age three, her IQ tests off the charts./ Commenting, Celestine stated, "smart , schmart if I don't have boobies by age twelve I want implants.

8) China has reported members of the Falun Gong set themselves on fire./ It's not exactly clear how they did this with hoods over their heads and hands bound behind their backs.

9) A Mexican policeman stitched his mouth shut and was going to crucify himself, to protest his alleged unlawful dismissal from the force./ Seems, he somehow misinterpreted Miranda.

10) Antonio Todde, a Sardinian shepherd, continuing his reign as the world's oldest man turned 112 yesterday./ When asked how he felt, he replied "Not baaahed".

1) President Bush is facing possible problems with Saddam Hussein./ When asked how and when will he react; Bush replied, "We're not afraid to bomb the hell out of that sucker and we'll do so, as soon as we take a significant drop in polls.

2) Since taking over the Old Executive Office Buildings, aides to President George W. Bush have discovered many computers missing the W key./ Republicans are expected to be furious, after all the time they took to teach him how to sign his name, plus now he can't write West Wing.

3) Some Republicans are highly upset that former President, Bill Clinton has avoided further persecution and he pardoned multibillionaire Marc Rich./ Certainly, not the first time the words Clinton and suck were used in the same sentence.

4) Twenty-eight years ago yesterday, Barney Miller debuted on ABC./ To this day no one has explained to me how they animated Abe Vigoda.

5) A federal study by the National Institutes of Health, found, teenage girls were more susceptible to peer pressure, regarding drinking, than boys./ Girls, let me reassure you, teenage boys are more susceptible to other pressures and throbbings.

6) Today is the most sacred of all days, during the Hindu's 43 day festival of Kumbh Mela./ If you notice a large absence of Indian employees from work, they're probably using their Sikh days.

7) Priscilla Figueroa is a six-year-old little girl who snagged and lost a lot of her index finger at a Disneyland playground, while dismounting an attraction./ Hmn, I remember not to long ago another little girl giving Disney the finger because who she was attracted to and mounting. I wonder what ever happened to that De Generes girl?

8) Today is the start of the Chinese new year, it is The year of the Snake./ Lord knows how many cheques I'll put Year of the Dragon, before it sinks in.

9) Mexico's Popocatepetl volcano erupted three times spewing ash, smoke and incandescent rock./ Uninformed Mexicans thought it was just heavy rush hour traffic.

10) The first troop of Boy Scouts was organized by Lord Baden-Powell on this day in 1908./ Many forget the Scouts original pledge went "I pledge to do my duty to God, King and Country and to keep out all Godless queens and other gays."

1) In a letter to Bush, Putin is urging wider U.S.-Russian cooperation./ Details of the letter aren't known, however, one suggestion that might work, invade France. Nobody really likes the French and they concede easily.

2) A special NATO committee has found no link between armor-piercing munitions using depleted uranium and cancer among peacekeeping troops exposed to it../ Seems committee members were previously employed by cigarette manufactures to see if any health implications with their product.

3) According to a survey, done for the Insurance Research Council an amazing 91% of Americans agreed talking on cell phones while driving increases he chances of accidents, further most supported a ban on the mixing of the two./ Not surprisingly, this was a phone survey where most participants were in their vehicle. I personally am ambivalent, I'm not sure if it doesn't cull the herd.

4) Japanese scientists say the enzymes in Wasabi (the Japanese green horseradish) makes it a good toothpaste./ Of course they recommend afterwards, gargle with Sushi mouthwash.

5) Celebrating their festivities, yesterday, over 30 million Hindu's plunged into the Ganges./ I don't want to be unkind to some of those people, but they left a ring along the shore.

6) An Arab hijacker was thwarted by the plane's pilot, who realizing the hijacker didn't speak English gave instructions to the crew that way./ See kids, no matter what your job, always good to have a second language.

7) Coconut farmers, in southern India, have been hurt by slumping prices. Consequently, within their own area, they're pushing for the consumption of their product rather than drinking cola./ Am I the only one predicting gang warfare as coke-heads versus coconut-heads. Perhaps they'll both decide instead the Kook Koo for Coco Puffs/.

8) In attempt to prevent commercial extinction, Norwegian and the European Union agreed to a temporary ban on cod fishing, in some parts of the North Atlantic./ Of course fishermen had waited for this decision with baited breath.

9) "B" Magazine an Australian women's publication , wishing to conduct a sex survey sent out a questionnaire, minus a cover letter. Apparently this got lots of men hot under the collar./ Geez, the only thing that gets me hot under the collar sexually, is my dominatrix.

10) Zen Television starts broadcasting on Friday in Dubai. It will present previously considered taboo topics; like love sex and politics./ Viewers are hoping actually to see not only eyes but noses uncovered by the veil. Debate is expected to rage; flogging, stoning and limb amputation are there other deterrents?

1) George Bush has been president for almost a week, so far no major gaffes./ When is he going to start governing?

2) Gays are claiming they're getting mixed messages from the present administration./ This must be good news for them, I don't think they'd favour a straight message.

3) Michelle Jacobs has been named 83rd Rose Bowl Queen. Some entrants from Orange County are complaining of sexual discrimination.

4) It's Superbowl weekend. The athletes are honed and have stayed out of jail for a week. / The competition should be very tight Pundits look at track records and all other statistics but how do you know until after the game which commercial wins.

5) Two companies have unraveled the genome for rice./ I'm no scientist, but somehow I knew they unlock the human genome, they go on to the more complicated ones.

6) According to their neighbors, Californians have one word to use to describe the reasons behind their energy plight. "California"./ On Californian's behalf one word to their neighbors, it starts with a "F";…. "Forgive". "Oh Lord forgive us.

7) Thirty years ago, yesterday, Idi Amin seized power in Uganda./ Some historians remember him as a "cannibalistic tyrant" the more charitable suggest he had a way of eating away at the opposition.

8) Che Dunlop, 27, who stole a wedding dress for his bride, was arrested for five months. He was found out after their wedding pictures appeared in the newspaper./ If only had been a traditionalist, the bride's family is suppose to steal her, her necessaries.

9) In Britain, their Labour Party is being hit with supporter apathy./ If only I could harness worldwide apathy I could,... uh who cares?

10) Sean Connery is set to play Socrates in a forthcoming movie./ I can't wait till the scene where he goes "Hemlock, shaken not stirred."

1) Yesterday, of course was Super Bowl. The final score was Ravens 34, Giants 7./ Fans are complaining things were lopsided Enough discussion about Britney Spears' boobs already!

2) President Bush is setting up the first ever federal office integrating religious institutions with federally financed social services./ This is terrific, before people without a prayer …

3) In his last two years in office Bill Clinton received a record number of people asking for pardons./ " Record number of people asking for pardons" ; what do you make of that Miss Manners?

4) Twenty-one people were sickened by fumes in New York's West Side Apartments./ Give it a break folks, the Clinton's don't live on the Westside and those odious fumes weren't emanating from them.

5) Forty-five years ago yesterday, Elvis made his national debut on television./ Sorry people, he's truly dead, but nevertheless I'm sure he's smiling, there's an Elvis stamp and somewhere, some woman licking one.

6) Yasir Arafat denounced Israel's "savage and barbaric war" against Palestinians. Israeli, Prime Minister Barak, responded by suspending all further peace talks until after the Israeli election./ He went on to say "Sticks and stones can really hurt my bones, but names, they really hurt me. `

7) Daimlerchrysler expects to cut 20% of it's American workforce/ There has to be another way, rather than cutting, for them to random check for drug or alcohol abuse

8) No more of Britain's original red phone boxes are to be produced./ We knew krypton would get Superman but who suspected his biggest problem, lack of venues in to which he can enter and change.

9) Florida visitors will have a new theme park to visit "The Holy Land Experience"./ Screw up a few shads and forever, you're never living in peace.

10) Unilever is selling it's dried soup division to Campbell./ Rumours abound, they're considering parting with their smoked salmon division which they keep stored in kegs. If this happens Campbell's will own them lox, stock and barrels.

1) President Bush 's first foray into Medicare, is helping needy seniors get prescriptions./ I think it's nice when a young lad puts his parents and Veep first.

2) A study revealed the threat of Y2K made states more efficient last year./ Either that or every thousand years we can expect some government efficiency.

3) Baltimore hosted their winning Super Bowl Championship football team./ Trust me it just seems that it will be "quote the Raven evermore."

4) New York was going to host a parade for their division champ's the Giants./ Unfortunately the plans kept getting intercepted.

5) Queen Elizabeth of Britain has given Steven Spielberg a honorary knighthood. This is the highest title a queen can bestow on a foreigner./ I knew I shouldn't have trusted, when Richard Simmons told me, the highest title was "Pookie."

6) Although Theodore Roosevelt was the youngest ex-president, Bill Clinton is the youngest two-termer./ Hey, that actually reads two-termer.

7) Icon Laser Eye Centers and Lasik Vision have merged to become the world's largest laser vision correction company./ Signatories, agreed about seeing dots over their "I's).

8) The number of product-liability cases has gone down, however, the median award has gone up, averaging $1.8million./ Some people say "defective product". I say "Who wants to be a Millionaire?

9) Robert Downey Jr. Appeared before Judge B.J. Bjork yesterday regarding Downey"s alleged drug problems. The judge gave a postponement, hoping both sides reach some agreement./ Trust me, if you're before a judge called B.J. Bjork the last thing you wish to do is blow it.

10) Thirty-two years ago, the Beatles performed together, before the public, for the last time./ Damn Marc Chapman! If only he got Yoko instead, he'd have been a hero; instead he ruined any chance of a reunion concert.

1) John Ashcroft, was approved of for attorney general, by a close ten to eight Judiciary Committee vote./ Interesting, how various administrations get certain tag names or phrases attached to it. JFK- Camelot, Clinton- Blow Jobs, the present Bush- Winner of Narrowest Votes

2) Governor Paul Patton apologized to Catholic and Jewish leaders after failing to invite them to an interfaith breakfast./ In fairness to the Governor, he figured by inviting Baptists, Southern Baptists, Methodists, Southern Methodists and Episcopalians he had captured the whole religious spectrum.

3) Indiana is finally considering adopting daylight saving time statewide. Depending on your location, your time can vary by that hour even within your own house./ I can't tell you how much I lost on the ponies there, because mine was running in the wrong time zone.

4) A nineteen-year-old, college student described as a "choir boy" was found with 30 pipe bombs, 20 molotov cocktails, several weapons and ammunition in his bedroom. Police suspect he was going to launch a "Columbine style attack at his campus./ These stories sicken me deeply; can't these kids wait and grow up to be postal employees.

5) The Soul Train Music Award nominees were announced today. North Korea hearing this, stated, "Next year, Pyongyang Train Music awards if you want relations to thaw further."

6) Germany will slaughter 400,000 cattle trying to avert mad-cow disease./ Perplexing, is they're shipping them on passenger trains and are expected to deny it's occurrence or that most of it's citizens knew.

7) An Emirates Airline jet carrying 213 passengers aborted it's takeoff from Melbourne after one of it's engines exploded during the takeoff. Everybody was alright. Commenting, the pilot of the two-engine jet said, "If we already departed and the engine explodes, okay so maybe it delays our arrival six hours, then what happens if the second engine goes, how long does that delay us further.

8) In violent clashes over in Zanzibar twenty-two people have died./ Saddening me deeply was to hear two were cousins, identical cousins, that walked alike, talked alike…..

9) Joseph Estrada claims he's still "the duly elected president " of the Philippines./ He further claims his best friend is "Harvey" a six foot white rabbit.

10) On this date back in 1940, The Green Hornet first aired. It's catch phrase was "Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of man?" Amazingly, people jointly claiming Republican party affiliation and being strongly religious answered "I do."

1) President Bush, apparently unaware he was speaking on an open microphone, offered some unguarded comments yesterday./ There's no off on genius; conversely, does this mean there's no on switch, or off switch on idiocy?

2) California will spend $10billion to provide power for it's citizens. That's terrific, this way all Roseanne's bedrooms toys won't need to be battery operated.

3) An eight-year-old boy was suspended from school for pointing a breaded-chicken finger at a teacher and saying, "Pow, pow, pow." Seems while not guilty of fowl play, the boy sent mixed messages by not using breaded hawk fingers.

4) Testifying at Sean "Puffy" Combs trial, his bodyguard claims he's never seen the "rapper" carrying a weapon./ He further stated, Jennifer Lopez, never seen her displaying cleavage..

5) Scientists have found an area about the size of a cue ball in the frontal lobe of the brain is responsible for empathy and sympathy and making appropriate "social" judgments./ It's almost like they could construct a Republican that's an Uniter not a Divider, that's a compassionate conservative……………. Oh my God who were the test subjects.

I6) It seems rather than an apple a day, actually a persimmons a day, keeps the doctor away; especially in heart health./ Of course, the clove of garlic a day. still keeps everybody away.

7) On this date in 1893, Thomas Edison finished the erection of the first moving-picture cinema./ This is possibly the first time the words moving-picture and erection were linked.

8) England's highest court has barred subway workers from striking next week, when the network is turned over to a semi-private firm./ We'll have to wait and see if workers feel provoked to start an underground movement.

9) Students, attending the Scottish college where Prince William will be going are being warned already not to tell stories on their newest classmate./ In other words, you can say the school, for their students have composed a William not Tell Overture.

10) Abdullah al_Meedh al-Qahtani, a 110-year-old Saudi farmer, who has 70 children and grandchildren, from his previous two marriages is set to marry again./ When asked why, he replied, "I just love plowing, if you know what I mean."

1) Today is Groundhog Day./ I still haven't done my shopping, as I'm never sure what to buy .

2) Last night, Survivor 11 and Friends duked it out in television's rating war./ The winner? Those that maintain and use a library card.

3) The jobless rate has jumped to 4.2%; hitting factory workers the worst./ Truly amazing, I'd have thought CEO's claiming their bloated salaries and benefits and errant planning skills might have been contributed to this mess, so perhaps they should sacrifice themselves first.

4) Scientists have discovered that's there a species of ferns that can absorb an extraordinary amount of toxic arsenic. This may present a natural way of cleaning polluted soil./ The plants ability to absorb toxity, but it's nonspewing have people suggesting naming it the semi-Linda Tripp.

5) Contrary to popular myth, penguins don't look up and topple over when helicopters fly over./ Makes perfect sense, all those Emperors but never a successful junta.

6) On this day in 1848 the brig Eagle reached San Francisco from Hong Kong bringing that state's first Chinese./ Jews who arrived earlier, were so relieved "finally a decent restaurant rather than just deli.

7) Scientists having mapped the human genome are moving on to proteomics, the study of proteins that genes produce./ I'm waiting for the impossible, an explanation of how the female mind works.

8) Israeli Prime Minister Barak, trailing badly in polls has nevertheless decided to stay in the election./ Perhaps this is a misconstruing of the adage, "in for a penny in for a pounding."

9) In Japan they're admitting to a homeless problem./ The homeless meanwhile are saying, "Work an 80 hour week, rent a paperthin shoebox apartment for 1000's of yen? No, I don't think there's a homeless problem.

10) Saddam Hussein has provided free medical care to severely injured Palestinians, $10,000 grants to families who've lost family members and lesser gifts to the injured. This is all being done to remake his image./ >From now on he wishes to be known as Santa-dam Hussein.

Canadian Prime Minister, Jean Chretein is the first world leader to meet President Bush Chretein’s staff is scrambling to buy a gift./ Do you personalize it by getting him a replica guillotine or electric chair or life supply of pepper-spray or do you just give him traditional; a load of sap.

Swallowing reservations, Democrats elected Clinton’s chief fund-raiser, Terry McAualiffe as party chairman./ Swallowing and Clinton are those two words to be linked together forever?

Ex-Ku Klux Klan leader, David Duke remains in Russia selling his book "The Jewish Question." This comes 2 ½ months after the FBI raided his house on the suspicion he misspent donations./ In fairness to Duke, how does he misspend; not buying his sheet at an all white sale?

Tomorrow is the Israeli election./ On one side is Barak campaigning about lasting peace with the Arabs and on the other side Sharon committed to blasting the Arabs to pieces.

Britain’s 7.5milliom cats kill 300million animals and birds per year./ Granted I’m not a feline lover but doing the math that’s forty lives per year; kind of blows the myth of cats only having nine lives.

Milosevic has compared the UN war-crimes tribunal actions against Serbs to Nazi persecution of Jews./ He then compared abattoirs to pastures, concentration camps to Disneyland and stated black is white.

Clint Hallam, the recipient of the world’s first transplanted hand, had it amputated for not following a drug regimen./ What a shame, unlike Hallam there’s a world full of people who’d be glad for the opportunity to have a drug regimen.

Brazilian women are rushing to get silicone breast implants in time for this months carnival./ I’m not saying Brazilian women are the world’s most informed, but obviously they’re not content at staying merely A breast.

Chinese Scientists are worried certain species of snakes will become extinct in this Chinese year of the snake they’re being eaten./ I wish the environmentalists luck, which guy is going to tell his woman "Honey, I no longer want you swallowing the snake."

Saturday was the anniversary of the plane crash which took Buddy Holly, "Big Bopper" JP Richardson, and Ritchie Valens life in 1959./ Today, we have Back Street Boys, Hanson and the Moppets. Discuss this in light of Darwin’s theory of evolution.

President Bush and Prime Minister Chretien had their first meeting yesterday./ Informed sources are calling it the sequel to dumb and dumber.

Former President Bill Clinton, is alleged to have a given a lot of controversial pardons in final days in office./ It’s not known if this is a tactic so history will blur whether he was the President of "Pardons" or "Hard ons."

President Bush is pushing forward his $1.6trillion tax cut./ Basically the poor should not represent any drain here as they’re expected to soon not have any jobs.

Thirty percent of young gay blacks are infected with the AIDS./ Another reason for racial tensions, as one fears a gay black coming behind them.

Studies suggest that on average right-handed live longer than left-handed; but those that are ambidextrous live longest./ Who knew the secret of longevity was going both ways?

Peacocks are causing lots of destruction in Britain and its being blamed on a shortage of peahens. It seems the cock require up to five mates./ Bewildered spokes-peacock, Bringham Young questioned "Is this not the same in the human species?

A gorilla escaped from their outdoor yard at the Pittsburgh Zoo and altered it’s diet from fruit and vegetables to junk food, at a nearby grille./ Patrons initially thought a "snapped Richard Simmons" until they realized the ape was exhibiting any real annoying behaviour.

Scientific data states the placement of a donkey’s eyes allow them to see all four feet./ Conversely silicone implants don’t allow a women to see either of her feet.

On this date in 1868 the first illustration of Uncle Sam appeared, Uncle Sam was modeled after a clown who was a friend of the President./ Nowadays it seems we skip the middle process having clowns for president.

On this date at the Lake Placid winter Olympics in 1932 was the first demonstration of sled dog racing occurred./ There’s essentially no reason for it, but thinking it about for some reason makes me mushy.

A former IRS employee fired off shots this morning outside at or around the White House./ It’s believed because of the vagueness of the shots the person is not suspected to be labeled a Bushwacker.

Ariel Sharon won election as Israeli Prime Minister and promises a new path to peace./ Apparently this path runs right through what most people had ceded as Palestine.

A suspected Ebola case has been discovered in Hamilton, Ontario./ Health officials in a preventive measure stated they’d give an arm or leg for the cure.

The pope is considering naming Saint Isadore the patron saint of the Internet./ Great with all the pornography, transgenderism and sexual ambiguity there, how long before he becomes Saint Ishe?

About 250 wish to w2atch the Timothy McVeigh execution./ That reality TV I guess isn’t considering ratings, or believing it’ll be a greater success and pipe into Texas for other episodes.

Toronto Raptors General Manager has become a Canadian citizen./ Seems he like the team so much he bought into the country.

Ethiopian and Eritrean officials have agreed to an UN buffer zone between them in an effort to achieve peace./ Please don’t misunderstand a buffer zone isn’t a nudist haven and we’re talking peace not piece.

Martha Stewart is claiming she’d be a winner on Australian Survivor./ I guess she figures everyone will find her recipe for dingo dog tasty and be enthralled with her eucalyptus leaf placemats

On this date in 1940: "Pinocchio" premiered./ He was the world’s most famous wooden boy until Al Gore.

In 1964: the Beatles arrived in New York to the screams of many North American fans./ For years I believed this was the definition of simultaneous orgasms.

The Bush administration is reexamining the legalization of RU-486, mifepristone, the abortion pill./ Delays in it’s usage are expected to result in pregnant pauses.

The British Columbia government has announced a three-year moratorium on grizzly hunting./ Great! Now all bears will start acting grizzly.

The U of T’s Department of Otolaryngology were supposedly the victims of a practical joke. It was caused by an official-looking letter for participants to receive fellatio to study how it "may contribute to pathology of the larynx"/ While officials are claiming ."big joke" let me infer nothing when I say it could have been "big choke"

Australian scientists in order to study a giant squid, have pickled a four metre long and 200 kilogram specimen./ Right off I’m interested, does this put science into a lot of red or blue ink?

Toronto has it’s first black radio station./ I guess if Edgar Bergen could do a ventroquilist act on radio there’s no reason Torontoians can’t have a Black Station.

In British Columbia a provincial bureaucrat was fired because he worked nights as a prostitute./ Apparently only elected officials are allowed to screw the public.

The former owner of the Submarine chain has been gunned down./ Already the police have narrowed there suspect list to known torpedoes.

Dale Evans died yesterday./ Gone to the grave with her, Trigger or her, which was stuffed and mounted more?

A miner trapped in a flooded coal mine in India was rescued after six days./ While grateful for the rescue he does believe he had been shafted.

Richard Butler, unlike five other men since last August, survived a shark attack at Brooms Head, 450 miles north of Sydney Australia./ The shark describes Butler as just under 8feet and approximately 600lbs.

1) Scientists using foreskin on skin damaged by burns, ulcers, wounds and other skin conditions have discovered that the damage gets repaired invisibly with the usage of foreskin./ No doubt Israel has discovered a new major export.

2) The Pentagon estimates it will spend around $50million in the coming year to provide Viagra for American troops and military retirees./ I guess that will make it a "coming year".

3) Most Canadians support the legalization of homosexual marriages./ Apparently misery loves company.

4) Canadian consumption of yogurt has risen over sixty-five per-cent over the past fifteen years./ Does this make us more cultured?

5) Rolling Stones, Mick Jagger is the father of baby number seven./ Seems he can get some satisfaction after all.

6) San Antonio Spurs player, Sean Elliott requires a kidney transplant./ If done and successful will this make Elliott "a go too guy?"

7) Over the past year Irani soccer fans have vandalized over 1400 buses./ I didn't realize they were so competitive with the British.

8) The time people spent listening to the radio went down last year./ Does this mean people spent less time "put on hold"?

9) Nine Iranian army divisions were heading to the Afghanistan border for manoeuvres./ Sounds just like "the Shiite is ready to hit the Afghan."

10) In the States the Venator Group which owns Foot quarters and Kinney Shoes announced it will be closing 570 stores./ Seems they have too many loafers.

11) For the second time in two years a conservative group has ruptured from the Southern Baptist Convention./ Could be their accents, they don't realize it's not rupture but rapture their seeking.

12) American Astronaut John Glen will be carrying Metamucil with him on his return to space./ I guess NASA wishes to insure all systems go.

13) The American Psychiatric Association ruled sex addiction is not a mental disorder; neither is nymphomania or satyriasis./ Damn there goes my sick days.

14) The Vatican Pharmacy will not be stocking Viagra./ At last they're doing something in an attempt to protect alter boys.

15) Kellogg's Tony the Tiger is suing the Exxon tiger for trademark infringement./ In a supposedly unrelated story Tiger Woods has changed his name to Yankel Woods.

16) The Ontario provincial government will stop funding sex change operations./ Transsexuals were visibly upset as they had misunderstood "government supports operations cut off."

17) The French not only are soccer champions but scored another first. They have sex with the highest frequency at a 141 times a year./ It just seems the French love playing with their balls.

18) Bill Gates is the largest shareholder of a company called Icos Corporation. The company is coming up with a pill to compete with Viagra but with less side effects./ Bill Gates a man concerned with your floppy.

19) Obstetricians in Alberta are looking for a fee increase for delivering babies./ In other words expect the cost of "womb" service to increase there.

20) There are four declared lesbians running for seats in the American House of Representatives./ No man is given a chance of licking them.

21) It seems based upon discovered tools, ancient apeman wasn't the vegetarian we first thought, but also ate termites. This begs the question if apeman's name was Charles; How much would Chuck eat wood chuckers if Chuck would eat wood chuckers

George Bush intervening between Northwest Airlines and their union stated "he’d act to head off a strike if no settlement is reached by March 12. The union has accused Bush of being pro-management./ Who’d think somebody who received over $500million in corporate donations would tilt that way?

Record companies are excited today as finally Napster may be put out of business./ Kids wanting an artist’s music will have to do it the old-fashioned way; tape it from the radio.

The ratings for the XFL are plummeting./ The fans of "X" are finding too much "F" and the fans of "F" are finding too much "X".

Scientists have found that we’re 99.9% alike./ Well however small the difference between Bea Arthur and Joan Collins as the French say, "Vive la difference."

This week the American International Toy Fair opens in New York. Toy manufactures employ a lot of eight to fifteen-year-olds; using them to come up with design ideas, testing, general feedback and a multiple of other tasks. The kids usually enjoy a salary of approximately $3000. a year for this./ Thank God an industry where Kathy Lee doesn’t have to go offshore to invest in, if she wishes to exploit children.

The top Philippine prosecutor refused to grant permission to former President Estrada to fly to the States for glaucoma surgery./ Unfortunately for Estrada the naysayers had it over his eyes

Pakistan’s military government arrested former Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto’s parliamentary speaker accusing him of securing bank loans then defaulting on them./ Apparently the Junta feels Corporations, not government officials should be doing that.

Despite the fact Russia has the world’s largest coal reserves an area known as Primorsky Region is suffering devastating fuel shortages for the fourth consecutive winter./ If things continue badly it’s expected the name will be changed to California, Russia

Roberta Winterton, a British Army recruit, is in trouble for posing nude for one of the British tabloids./ Personally, even I’m surprised I thought the person would have been an officer in the Women’s Air Corps, you know a "WAC Off."

The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) was founded this day in 1909. Trying to keep costs down they never tried to keep up with the nonsense and be The National Association for the Advancement of Negro People or The National Association for the Advancement of Black People or The National Association for the Advancement of Afro-American People, figuring the name changes would cost them a fortune.

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