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August 30
A German prosecutor revealed Hitler’s secretary, Martin Bormann’s ashes were secretly dropped into the Baltic Sea’s bottom two weeks ago as officials feared public knowledge of the burial grounds locale would attract Nazi’s./ Let’s hope there is some merits to these fears and the Nazi’s visit the location and stay.
Projections suggest Americans will purchase 8% more in the upcoming year on prescription drugs./ Understandable; headaches should be increasing with all the types of candidates campaigning.
Prime Minister Chretien hinted legislation may be passed by his majority government which will require 66% of Quebecois to vote for separation before discussion occurs on the break-up of Canada./ In order for this legislation to pass it must be agreed to a vote of 50% plus one.
Karla Homolka’s older sister got married this weekend./ Homolka is very excited about the event, because she’s been promised a video of her sister tying the knot.
Diane Aileen Chaffin and Gary Lynn Thomason are accused of making a “crush video” featuring the act of mice and rats being stomped to death./ I’m guessing maybe some kind of “intellectual rights” violation against Michael Flatley’s Lord of the Dance; probably ,if found guilty, sentencing probably would include listening to Three Blind Mice, until the inhumanity of that act sets in.
Backing up the claims of “brain drain” Statistics Canada says roughly 4500 of Canada’s best and brightest moved to the United States for a friendlier tax regime; 60% of them from Ontario./ Unless these people were all individually polled how does Stats Can know they’re not just leaving because of Harris?
Complaints about skyrocketing gas prices shouldn’t be addressed to the federal government, Jean Chretien stated, “We’re not in that business.”/ Sounds like someone hasn’t got over the fact the Conservatives privatized Petro Canada.
After a weekend national party conference, New Democrat leader, Alexa McDonough announced “I want to say to the Liberals that we’re coming after them… we’re the only alternative to the Liberals.”/ As the New Democrats spent the weekend fractured between right and left wings we’re not sure how they’re going after the Liberals unless it’s to surround them on all sides.
Neighbours of a destroyed oil-recycling plant have been told that it’s safe to eat their produce./ The fact that they’re all black, just consider them Cajun style.
DaimlerChrysler confirmed their new truck only hauls about 2000 pounds opposed to the advertised 6200./..Putting a crimp in those weight watcher carpools.
August 31
Burger King International which wished to avoid having a franchise in the West Bank occupied territories to avoid a “situation” have found themselves with a franchise there. Claiming misrepresentation of locale, Burger King wishes to strip the franchisee of the franchise; Arab and Muslim groups have applauded this stating Burger King listened to us; Jewish groups have suggested Burger King capitulated to the Arabs and Muslims and are threatening boycotting themselves/ What Jewish blackmail is more kosher than Arab or Muslim; tell me another whopper.
Stateside the cost of cigarettes substantially jumped since 1997’s $1.65 per package to today’s $2.65./ This is only fair, pass the cost of those nasty lawsuits on to the smokers. Afterall why should the shareholders be responsible for their stupidity
Israel has offered to recognize Palestine./ Unfortunately for the Palestinians the recognition comes with Israel recognizing it as it’s own territory.
Making the list of Best Children’s Vacation Products for 1999 is something called “The Lightning Machine” which consists of copper wire, copper strips and plastic tubing. In order to create lightning the toy is run across a television set to collect electrons and then the two copper-covered spheres at top are touched together thereby creating a lightning bolt./ Finally someone has created an useful purpose for television.
Apparently the American case against the Chinese stealing sensitive nuclear secrets was based more on racism then any real evidence./ Personally let me warn the Americans, that’s the secret of that diabolical Dr. Fu Manchu it’s his ability to cloud people’s minds.
New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani has been chosen for jury duty in a case of a man claiming his genitals were scalded by a shower that was too hot./ Talk about being tried by a jury of your peers; some suggest Giuliani is in hot water running against Hillary Clinton and never mind about his testicles.
A Flamborough seven-hectare property is being sold to collect a decade of tax arrears; considered a slight hitch is the fact the property comes with eight 200-litre drums of toxic waste and a “substantial quantity” of used tires./ Exxon, Union Carbide come on down; no redecorating required.
Although dinosaurs are believed to have become extinct 65-million-years ago, palaeontologists have found strong evidence that the species lives on today./ Their journey to collaborate such thinking is expected to take them through the ranks of the Reform and Progressive Conservative parties.
Protesting about London’s ban on corporal punishment forty members of the Christian Schools Trust are claiming the ban is an infringement of parental and religious rights stating that corporal punishment is reasonable, moderate and loving discipline defining boundaries of acceptability it’s illustrated by using a wooden ruler on boys and strap on girls./ Apparently it’s just considered a bonus; them selling the film of the spankings later on.
September 1
The Fraser Institute, Canada’s right-wing think-tank is under investigation by Revenue Canada for abusing it’s status as a registered charity. Somewhat ironically the Institute bashes the idea of charitable status for things like Greenpeace, hospitals, universities and generally other perceived worthwhile causes but defends its own status claiming they meet the requirements “advancing education” and the antiquated definition of charity./ What would that antiquated definition of charity be?; charity starts at home.
The Harris government is considering expanding its workfare plan into agriculture, having welfare recipients pick produce or crops./ The upside to this could be a revival of “spirituals”; thank the master for dat.
To compete against hockey, baseball and basketball trading cards the Canadian navy is considering producing maritime coastal defense vessel cards./ That’s probably going to be the most limited collection ever unless they’re talking historical then still it will be a pittance.
A majority of Canadians believe that the country’s most talented citizens are leaving for higher paying, lower taxed America./ Losing Neil Young and keeping Rita MacNeil is more than most care to bare.
Daniel Klem of Muhlenberg College in Pennsylvania estimates the conservative number of 100-million birds killed by window impacts per year./ Great just what we need a species’ class action suit about their inability to break through the glass ceiling.
Al Gore opposes all antigay harassment and discrimination and supports the right of gay men and women to adopt./ I’ve no I idea whether homosexuality is nurture or nature but supposedly giving them the right to adopt should be their only course to have children.
A study at the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University discovered children that didn’t get along with their fathers were most likely to smoke, drink and do drugs./ Conversely there’s speculation on at least my part that children that get along too well with their father smoke, drink and do drugs
Police have arrested five men in the alleged contract killing of a woman./ Contract killing?; what type of contract? Government union? Five men?
Mel Farr, former Detroit Lions football player is in the car leasing business, to mostly those with no or bad credit. Every Friday you get an entry code so you can start your car after you made that week’s payment./ His interest rate of 25% won’t sell usurious to Canadians with bankcards but an used car that still starts after a week will sound unbelievable.
Monica Lewinsky has rented a Greenwich Village apartment. Michael Chan an agent with the Manhattan rental brokerage predicted Lewinsky would fit in easily stating “People in here are pretty nice and pretty respectful of other people.” Should the rent become an issue for Monica it’s believed she has what it takes to take it into her head to make money.
September 2
Women are far more likely to win custody of the children in divorce cases because of biased judges and social factors such as breast-feeding, a new study concludes./ You’d think the judges would try to help break teenaged boys of breast-feeding.
An explosion in Moscow at an underground mall killed thirty people in what security forces believe was a bombing./ Fortunately because nobody has money and the weather hasn’t yet turned cold, there were no customers nor people just seeking refuge from climatic forces.
Swiss authorities continuing their Airbus investigation still haven’t found any evidence to link former Prime Minister Mulroney with scandal./ Damn! Look harder!
In Saskatchewan, Elwin Hermanson, Saskatchewan Party leader, suggested people converse with themselves before voting Liberal./ I’m no mental health expert but I’m willing to believe the people that vote Liberal do talk to themselves.
Joseph Gertler, an aviation collector has what he considers a treasure trove of corporate documents from the Wright brothers’ airplane-making company and is asking $900,000.American for them./ The fact nobody is questioning the legitimacy of the documents but not paying that price must mean he indeed has the Wright stuff but not Wright price.
Filippo Surano an Italian doctor claims Mona Lisa’s enigmatic smile, simply gnashing of her teeth under the strain of posing so long./ The Venus de Milo, first model that was a major amputee.
A brain-protein modification produced a smarter mouse with better memory./ Great! Just try getting their help for further medical research now.
Monica Lewinsky has joined Jenny Craig./ It’s believed she’ll be put on Jenny’s infamous low sperm diet.
Recent research has found most employees would be happy if their employer would treat them with respect and empathy, thereby not costing companies anything for a contented workforce./ It’s expected to be rejected by most company management types as it contradicts their philosophy “a good employee is a scared employee.”
According to Jane Bahor of Duke University’s medical centre the plastic joints in Barbie’s legs make good knuckles for prosthetic fingers./ Thereby one can conclude there’s parts of Barbie more animated than presidential hopeful Al Gore.
September 3
Bidding for a kidney hit $5.7millionAmerican on the Internet auction site before bidding was halted due to ebay’s and American federal law making it illegal to sell body organs. Dr. Thomas Reardon, president of the American Medical Association said: “Wow. Well first of all, I’d question the ethics of any doctor who would participate in that kind of transaction.”/ It’s believed the good doctor’s second question was: “How do I get a piece of that action?”
Onex Corporation’s admission that merging the airlines would cost at least 5,000 jobs has the machinist’s union demanding Ottawa step in and protect the workers or face strike action September 27th./ If this works as well for the unions as strategic voting; expect Canadians to be served exclusively by an American airline come September 28th.
Ontario Premier Mike Harris, speaking on his government’s mandatory teaching testing program stated its’ purpose is rehabilitation not anything punitive.”/ However If a teacher fails to pass the grade well they could run for the Board of Education, then become a member of provincial parlaiment, if they’re totally dimwitted, run for the leadership of this party, be hijacked by extremists who think Ayn Rand was too compassionate, have them change the party from progressive to the right of Atila the Hun conservative, appeal to the worst part and biggest fears of voters and become Premier. Maybe all failing teachers can’t do this but it would be a lesson the public would be wise to learn.
The Summit of la Francophonie is underway in Moncton./ Do you think people would despise these people less if they didn’t name themselves after a loathed Spanish dictator and call themselves phonies?
A tractor-trailer filled with 82 pigs rolled over on Highway 401 killing some of the swine and sending the rest to the slaughter./ Sure it’s not hard to feel sympathy for the animal but we really have to do something about road-hogs.
The American army has demoted a retired general partly because he had adulterous affairs with four subordinates wives./ I’m misunderstanding something here, here is a general that was proud to lead his privates and presumably did so with great frequency yet he’s being demoted.
A Copenhagen courts ruling that eviction of Greenland’s indigenous people back in 1953 to make way for an American air base was a serious infringement of their rights had Prime Minister Paol Nyrop Rasmussen apologizing for the deed./ We all suspected it would be a cold day before an apology would be forthcoming.
Cheryl Burnham a former secretary for the Los Angles County Department of Public and Social Services spent $120,000American on calls to psychic hotlines using her employers’ phone. Consequently, Burnham has been sentenced to thirty days in jail and making restitution of $98,0000./ Disappointing for Burnham has to be none of the psychics predicted jail time, nor job loss though one apparently foresaw a temporal major wardrobe alteration.
The current urinals on the Canadian military aircraft Hercules is causing soldiers either to miss the target or if successful causing a splash that’s corroding a key beam in the cargo hold./ The Canadian military; not only not shooting to kill, not aiming to please.
The top high school student in British Columbia, Brady Killough was recognized with a gold medal and $2,000 cash yesterday. Brady asked his recipe for success replied watching lots of television and playing lots of basketball./ It’s believed when pressed further to describe himself Killough stated “American in waiting.”
September 7
Toronto Police Chief, Dave Boothby stated any banning of high-speed police chases would lead to absolute chaos adding to the Chief’s comments Police Board Chairman, Councillor Norm Gardner shared the banning would lend people to feel their cars were their sanctuary and make good on an escape./ Bottom line banning high-speed chases leaves only eating doughnuts and working vice as being the pleasures of police work.
Sotheby’s the international auction house has admitted to selling fake furniture./ Their defense being those that bought it were a bunch of phonies themselves.
In Fareham, Hampshire, England a milk tanker overturned spilling 8,000 litres of milk./ Everybody displayed some grace by not crying over it.
Monica Lewinsky is selling designer handbags on the Internet labeled “Made especially for you by Monica./ Perhaps she’d be better off exhaling into these bags and calling them Monica Lewinsky blowjobs to go.
A teacher is challenging the right of a transvestite male colleague to use the ladies lavatory at their school in Minnesota./ This is a standing issue for many transvestites.
Prime Minister Chretien asserts he pushed politicians from the French-speaking world to change the membership rules of la Francophonie so countries where human rights are brutally violated would be expelled from the organization./ Passage of this concept was blocked as there would be no countries that would qualify for membership then; unless you exempted countries that merely pepper-sprayed their citizenry.
Canadian Police have arrested teenaged daredevil Tyler Canning after he plunged into Niagara Falls and charged him with unlawfully performing a stunt./ Perhaps some hypocrisy on display here as millions of visitors take their riskiest plunge here and simply because they call it marriage they’re never charged.
Up to thirty of the Chinese migrants that hit our shores most recently are missing presumed lured to the United States./ Talk about quick Canadianization already part of the “brain drain”.
Robert Bigelow, a prominent Las Vegas real estate magnate is willing to put $500-billionAmerican into building a fantasy hotel that would orbit the moon and provide earthlings the ultimate day-trip experience./ Sounds impressive; but the question always arises, any atmosphere?
Maifiasco John Gotti who was sentenced to six years of prison stated “I’m a man’s man; I have to accept my medicine.”/ There’s words I’m sure that will haunt him after some cell-mate makes him his ‘bitch”
September 8
British Airways staff have been cheating passengers, substituting knock-offs for authentic merchandise in their duty-free sales./ I blame the air lines they encourage that kind of mentality passing something allegedly called air line food off as a meal.
Recent studies suggest women possess greater erotic plasticity than men choosing monogamous or promiscuous, homosexual or heterosexual according to the culture wherein they live./ Apparently men’s plasticity has to deal with what’s available at the local sex shop and putting their purchases on their bank-card in a manner that nobody is suppose to know it purchased something sexual.
Athens experienced an earthquake yesterday./ Without reading a newspaper I’m willing to wager, the Acropolis? in ruins.
East Timorese are fleeing their country before carnage impacts them personally./ You’d think somebody would propose to the United Nations a Kosovar, Serbian, Albanian, Timorese and Indonesian land and population exchange trying to defuse matters there.
Toronto Mayor Lastman commandeered a Canadian Armed Forces Bison armoured personnel carrier for his two-day charity golf tournament in Brampton./ No wonder Canadian Armed Forces are stretched the Toronto mayor has half their personnel carriers.
Ontario high school students face numerous changes to their curriculum; including graduation after four successful years rather than five, more mandatory courses and forty compulsory hours of community service./ It’s believed the forty hours of compulsory of community service should prepare them for a life on workfare.
French President Lionel Jospin visiting Corsica to discuss autonomy for the island was greeted with bombings./ Apparently the natives confuse this with a twenty-one gun salute welcoming.
In Charlottetown, Prince Edward Island, in order to foster a healthier worker environment a joint union-employer report proposes barring personal scents such as perfumes and aftershaves and scented cleansers in government offices./ Flatulence will be a major crime something like setting of an incendiary device.
Rod Coward out kayaking in Trinity Bay, Newfoundland, was rescued by a friend who got him to the hospital on time. Coward inhaling shrimp fumes from a nearby fish processing was hit by his allergic reaction to seafood which causes vomiting, heavy breathing and difficulty staying conscious./ Many other Newfoundlanders display the same symptoms; theirs’ usually induced by a glad-handing Brian Tobin.
Adrienne Clarkson has been named Governor-general of Canada. Clarkson and her husband philosopher John Saul will occupy Rideau Hall./ Kind of a throwback to the days when Trudeau occupied 24 Sussex; this time however we have a Queen’s representative and a philosopher rather than just a philosopher king.
September 9
Talks between the Toronto Police Association and police board have broken off with police threatening only to respond to emergency calls./ We’re not sure by emergency calls what they mean, presumably anything from a doughnut shop; but either way I’m sure motorists will tough it out not collecting any tickets.
Adrienne Clarkson will be installed next month as Canada’s newest Governor-general./ Some bigoted minds suggest we’re getting someone inferior implying something about the fact that she’s Hong Kong made.
Canadians eat more Kraft Macaroni and Cheese Dinners per capita than any country./ Brain drain eh! We use the old noodle.
Sumner Redstone chairman and chief executive of Viacom Incorporated and Melvin Karmazim president and chief executive of CBS held a joint news conference explaining their merger takeover. “He seduced us….he is a master salesman, and he began to turn me on” said Redstone of Karmazim./ Very beautiful imagery gentlemen but why do I feel every time mergers cause one less voice it’s the people that are screwed.
Sandra Schmirler, Canada’s female, gold medal champion curler in the 1998 Winter Olympics is in serious condition in a Regina hospital following cancer surgery. Schmirler’s family and teammates have requested privacy and prayers for her./ That shouldn’t present a problem it’s not like she was ever one to cast the first stone.
A Chinese version of the Loch Ness monster has been spooking holiday-makers at a popular Chinese summer resort. The monster is described as large and black-skinned./ In unrelated news no word where Oprah Winfrey is spending her summer hiatus or which Oprah will be appearing for her next season
Julieta Ramos an insect specialist and author of several insect cookbooks suggests that insects could be practical food for astronauts as they usually multiply quickly, occupy little space and mostly consist of protein./ I suppose if you didn’t care for them you’d be grateful for those days when you’d have a frog in your throat.
Ottawa Senator holdout Alexei Yashin is dating actress and former supermodel Carol Alt./ We somehow knew with his demands he must have had an Altering experience.
Former NBA great Bill Bradley announced his candidacy for the Democratic nomination for president./ Admittedly Vice-President Al Gore has a substantial lead but Bradley expects support will more than just dribble in.
Russian President Boris Yelstin, phoned American President, Bill Clinton to reassure him that accusations linking Yelstin and his family to a corruption inquiry involving high-level Kremlin officials was politically inspired./ Yelstin then went on to ask Clinton how would you define “bribe”?
September 10
Students that have a stimulating summer usually wind up with better marks than students that struggled with boredom./ Seems rather obvious, you start with that first essay How I Spent My Summer Vacation and if there’s nothing there you’re marks just embark on their first slide.
The British Columbia Supreme Court has ruled if an employee is sent to jail the company where he worked can fire him./ I guess that’s why Holmolka is taking courses in Social Work because she’ll have to get a new job.
Malnourishment of the elderly isn’t diagnosed with any of the frequency to which it happens./ Apparently seniors shiny coats and healthy teeth deceive doctors that they’re getting sufficient nutritional supply; provided by their dog or cat food.
A study in New Brunswick has revealed that suicides on an average cost taxpayers $849,877.80 including direct costs such as health-care services, autopsies, funerals, police investigations and indirect costs such as lost productivity and earnings./ No wonder people are living longer they can’t afford dying.
Don Deleski an environmentalist has vowed either to give up eating or drinking until the Nova Scotian government does something about cleaning up the Sydney tar pools./ My guess as Deleski is a maritimer it’s the food not the drink he’ll give up.
American President, Bill Clinton announced a $15millionplan to buy back guns offering approximately $50. each./ Great all the guns that cost buyers $20. will come flooding back.
The school teachers’ union in Denver is expected to approve a plan that would reward teachers raises based upon the performance of students in individual classes./ For remedial students allow me to explain; the rich just got richer.
Michael Portillo widely considered to have a good chance of becoming Britain’s next Conservative Party leader, astounded the country by disclosing he had homosexual experiences in college./ Kind of puts the question of inhaling in a different light, anyway either way it seems he’s delivering straight goods now.
The Toronto film festival is underway./ You can tell by the line-up of waiters at Kinko’s making copies of their resume.
Sao Paulo, Brazil reserve soccer goalie Roger could find himself released from his team for posing nude for a gay publication./ This really should be Roger’s private business, besides which in his defense he didn’t let any balls in.
September 13
Celsius AB, Scandinavia’s largest weapons maker agreed to buy the defense arm of TietoEnator Oyj, the Nordic region’s largest computer-services company, to boost sales in a consolidating industry./ Granted if you’re not playing the markets Celsius’s doings will be nothing to you; but for those interested, in America, check under Fahrenheit
Actor Sylvester Stallone is complaining he hasn’t made any money since the filming of box-office flop Cop Land; stating “I’m in total limbo”./ With the way Stallone talks we’re not sure if limbo is a Latin bimbo and he’s bragging.
David Marshall Brown spent an extra nineteen years in jail then he should have because of a misplaced plea bargain agreement. Brown exits prison with no apparent bitterness./ It seems he found the food, the cost of living and the sex were all to his liking and it beat working for a living
Hillary Clinton was spotted consulting a plastic surgeon about surgery./ Apparently she’s really serious about her career in politics if she’s ready to be two-faced.
Bloc Quebecois, leader Gilles Duceppe has declared his party is here to stay./ Here some of us thought the whole reason to the party was to leave.
Webbie Tookay, is a virtual model, through the magic of real-time animation she can do anything a human model can without tantrums, outrageous modeling fees or aging problems./ Sounds somewhat like a female Dick Clark.
Montrealer Eloy Ledesma has a broken nose and swollen left eye claiming they’re compliments of fighting with Montreal Expos pitcher Ugueth Urbina./ While I won’t question Ledesma integrity I’ll display my astonishment that an Expos player connected with anything.
This weekend the Jewish community celebrated and welcomed in the year 5760./ What clever people, they shouldn’t experience any Y2K problems.
Toronto’s police union and city negotiators arrived at a deal that makes Toronto police the highest paid in Ontario./ All these years of wondering what the sloganeering “Our Cops are Tops” meant only to find it refers to pay scale.
This weekend was the start of the NFL season and NHL exhibition season./ Thereby Toronto Argonauts and Blue Jays caught a large break
September 14
Ontario will spend $68.4-million over the next five years to improve the quality of life for Alzheimer patients./ Ontario will spend $68.4-million over the next five years to improve the quality of life for Alzheimer patients. Ontario will spend $68.4-million
Jose Ramirez, an honest citizen who unwittingly purchased two extremely rare Egyptian tortoises stolen from the Bronx Zoo called police after watching the television news describe his recent acquisitions./ Police will continue to investigate the matter progress is expected to be turtle-like.
Addressing the fact he never held elected office prior to 1995 George Bush spoke on the issues of maturity, poise and sheer heft to lead a nation stating “I say in all my speeches it’s a big step.”/ I’d think Americans would have to ask themselves if it’s a big step for him is it one giant leap for mankind and which direction?
Jin Xing is a prize-winning dancer and choreographer, a former colonel in the Chinese army, founder of China’s first independent dance troupe, owner of Bejing’s hottest nightspots and China’s first transsexual to openly talk about the fact in very conservative China where all displays of sexuality weren’t to be displayed./ Transsexuality I’m sure is an issue for some people, but getting rid of pricks from society shouldn’t be.
American President, Bill Clinton is preparing to lift trade sanctions against North Korea which had been in place since the beginning of the Korean war in 1950./ What the Koreans apparently are most looking forward to receiving is an opportunity finally to see MASH.
The Archbishop of Canterbury was taken to the hospital after a wasp stung him on his foot./ As a NonWhite Anglo-Saxon Protestant I can sympathize for the Archbishop having experienced many wasp stings myself, but this actually seems more a matter of sole
Championed by animal rights groups San Francisco changed wording involving animal-people relationships to that of pet guardians rather than owners./ Commenting afterwards cows claimed to be moooved, sheep thought it wasn’t baaaad and bird commentators were moved to thinking essentially cheep-cheep but effective.
Canada is facing a shortage of skilled doctors./ My taxi driver, a neurologist, from Russia claims he saw this day coming
Police in Kristiansand Norway seized from six youths a home-made canon capable of shooting potatoes a distance of 50 metres./ Obviously there were fears renegade IRA members may get their hands on it.
Princess Margaret Hospital in Toronto announced the opening of Canada’s largest multi-disciplinary prostate centre./ You’d think some dominatrix would operate Canada’s largest multi-disciplinary prostate centre.
September 15
Prime Minister Chretien is claiming legal immunity from Conrad Black’s suit against him saying the policy of granting titles isn’t his government’s./ Conceding Lordship may not be appropriate Chretien is willing to refer to Black as king; King size pain in the butt.
Prince Charles by talking and listen to Canadian and British peacekeeping troops in Pristina, Kosovo apparently really boosted their morale./ The soldiers commenting on Charles attentiveness claimed he appeared all ears.
Misayo Shimizu, a Japanese woman, suffered a fatal skull injury after toppling from her five-inch platform shoes./ You wondered why we pay supermodels so much it’s danger pay.
North American bird experts are flocking to Toronto to discuss a multitude of fowl situations; these experts are promising a paper to deal with Toronto’s geese problem./ Experts, if a paper would take care of Toronto’s geese problem, it would’ve been done years ago.
Hoover’s Incorporated is a company that creates, publishes and distributes business information on companies to organizations, business people and investment professionals; the other day its value on the stock exchange soared $5.5/8 closing at$16.7/8./ Who’d think a company called Hoover wouldn’t suck?
Former British Columbia premier Bill Vander Zalm has indicated he’s interested in running for the leadership of the British Columbia Reform Party./ Under Glen Clark the New Democrats chances of reelection were zero in a million when Clark resigned there chances for reelection rose to one in a million, now with Vander Zalm running the British Columbia New Democrats actually have a chance of reelection.
Sarah Ferguson has been hired as a London-based correspondent for NBC’s Today Show./ Quite the life half the time she’ chewing the fat, the other half eschewing it.
Saint John’s, Newfoundland is battling a drought so consequently is trying to avoid any unnecessary water useage including water constantly running in some urinals in downtown bars./ Potty police have been hired and they vow to flush out the perpetuators.
Hurricane Floyd looks ready to descend and damage Florida./ The poor Americans, they must be tiring of “blow jobs” dominating their news.
Cigarette manufacture, Japan Tobacco, is giving millions of free cigarettes to nursing homes. Spokesperson Seiichi Hayashida stated it’s to mark Respect for the Aged Day today “a way for us to make a contribution to society./ Presumably that contribution is in the form of freeing up more nursing home beds.
September 16
James Bartleman, now Canada’s high commissioner-designate to Australia, told the APEC inquiry was to blame for everything from Chretien’s offhand remark about police treatment of protesters to the impression that Canada bent over backwards to persuade then-Indonesian President Suharto to attend the summit./ As Bartleman is high commissioner-designate to Australia it seems the gentleman has problems figuring how to get out from down under.
Elementary students shouldn’t carry backpacks weighing more than 10% of their own weight and for secondary school students that increases to 15%./ Seems supermodels aren’t not clever they just couldn’t carry their books, or in the case of Kate Moss, her book.
Quebec’s Roman Catholic bishops announced yesterday the church will offer no apology and no financial compensation to the so-called Duplessis Orphans who were interned in church-run mental institutions from the 1930’s-50’s. Apparently the Bishops are hoping if their careers aren’t secure they may qualify for a job with Mike Harris’s cabinet or Toronto’s metropolitan police.
Truck driver, Ray Jolicoeur is a fortunate man; attempting to remove a bulldozer from his low-decked trailer resulted in him being pinned underneath the bulldozer instead as it skidded and rolled into a ditch. Jolicoeur escaped from the incident with minor scratches to his legs and feet after a crane pulled the bulldozer off him./ You have to know however Jolicoeur watches way too much WWF action, he’s called for a rematch with the bulldozer.
According to statistics recently released by the International Labour Organization, Americans were more hours than anyone. The survey found people in service industries were clock-watchers, whereas professionals such as consultants and lawyers worked fifty to seventy hour weeks./ I think I’ve discovered the flaw in this survey; big difference between worked hours and billed hours.
A robber walked into a bank in Dresden only to find it replaced by a lingerie shop, realizing the mistake the thief demanded all the frilly panties./ At least he wound up with something that would earn interest.
Claiming thanks to an exuberant economy Leon’s Furniture is speeding up their $100-million seven store expansion./ Of course they won’t pay a cent for this event.
Toronto seems to have averted a strike by its outside workers after Mayor Mel Lastman got involved./ Who deals better than Mayor Lastman? Nooobodddy.
The Toronto International Film Festival concludes on Saturday night and by its conclusion will have shown 319 movies./ It seems film critics actually do have some work to do rather than sit on expanding butts eating popcorn
Twenty-four-year-old, Australian, Susie Moroney completed a 119-mile swim from Jamaica to Cuba, surviving 38 hours in a shark cage designed by Fidel Castro./ Not to knock Castro’s design but perhaps it wasn’t that the cage was effective opposed to the sharks being man-eating-sharks.
September 17
Speaking in Fort Worth, Texas, Republican Presidential candidate George Bush spoke on the recent slaying in a church there stating “a wave of evil” not a lack of gun-control laws was to blame for rampant violence in America./ I guess its just fortunate for evil guns are so easily available; this process would be so much slower if we had to wait for these gunmen to strangle, knife or poison all their victims.
Bill Gates formally announced a $1billion scholarship program for minority students that will guarantee recipients full financing for college and advanced degrees./ It’s believed Gates saw Revenge of the Nerds as a documentary and figures repayment time for the black sorority.
Scientists believe there’s water on Jupiter’s moon Europa./ Great another setback for environmentalists, as industrialists claim we don’t have to worry about screwing this planet, there’s other places.
The Center for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta, estimates 76million Americans a year suffer from food poisoning./ I’m not saying anything here but how many hamburgers does McDonald’s sell Stateside in a year?
The American congress voted that the salary paid to the President of the United States will double January 2001 to $400,000American./ Is it any wonder people are willing to spend over $60million to get the job.
Ferguson Jenkins attended the opening of a park named in his honour in Chatham yesterday. Jenkins record upon retiring from his 19-season major-league career was 284 wins and 3,192 strikeouts./ Admittedly that’s 284 wins more than me but I certainly have more strikeouts
The Saskatchewan New Democrats, under Roy Romanow were returned to office with a minority./ It seems not everyone loves Roy, Mon, perhaps if he had promised everything and a kite.
Hurricane Floyd has been downgraded to tropical storm Floyd../ Seems to be, Floyd is nothing but a lot of wind.
A Hindu couple lifelong vegetarians lost a lawsuit against Taco Bell alleging they had found meat in their taco they had wished to be flown to India to cleanse themselves in the Ganges./ It’s very understandable that they lost their case as the probability of finding meat at Taco Bell seems infinitesimal.
This year’s Christmas catalogue from Neiman Marcus will feature the business version of the Boeing 737 with the plane unfinished to allow for your own personal configurations whether you wish it to sit fifteen or fifty passengers; the plane will start at $35,250,000. with the finishing adding another $8million to $10million to the final cost./ The tough decisions that wait for you at the counter, cash or credit? Paper or plastic?
September 20
Canadian Auto Workers’ Union and Ford of Canada are still contract negotiating, Ford spokesman Jim Hartford stated “We are optimistic that we have ample time to reach a settlement.” / Considering the fact Ford hasn’t negotiated a settlement with it’s World War 11 “slave labour” we’re not sure of their definition of ample time.
There seems to be a difference between the way Americans welcome illegal refugees and how Canada welcomes them; if the refugee makes it to land Stateside he’ll most often be greeted with prison-issue orange jumpsuits and herded into maximum- security jails whereas in Canada those arriving in British Columbia average $760. in monthly payments./ No wonder so many want to go to America; a roof over your head and three meals daily.
The four major American television networks stung by criticism that their fall shows don’t reflect the diversity of society are adding minority roles./ It seems therefore every show will either have a nanny, butler, maid but bowing to modern times no railway porters.
The Supreme Court of Canada has ruled a 1760 treaty signed with the M’kmaq allows them to fish for profit without licence./ I strongly support aboriginal rights but check your property deed perhaps some of will have to relocate if we find the Indians really didn’t succeed that land.
Cape Breton’s popular musical family the Rankin’s are splitting up to pursue independent careers./ I predict Michael doing especially well, Tito sorry.
The Roman Catholic Church provides a handbook which list indulgences, indulgences being good deeds which if followed would subtract your time in purgatory./ The definition of good deeds that were considered indulgences has changed in older days it may have meant participation in the Crusades, whereas today things are much simpler, for example: warning someone they’re going to be hearing Gilbert Goffried’s voice or seeing Tammy Baker’s face, these score high.
Paediatricians at British Columbia’s Children’s Hospital are taking and measuring stretched penis length of newborn baby boys to create present standards which would therefore allow them to make a rapid diagnosis if something was the matter with another child./ Preventative medicine is so important, however does one need this pressure so young.
On Friday, Celine Dion received her Star of Fame in front of the Royal Alexandra Theatre while accompanied by her husband-manger Rene Angelil./ Most people wondered who was the grandfatherly guy with Celine.
Buckingham Palace has delivered an ultimatum to Sophie Rhys-Jones she can act as a Royal or work in Public Relations field./ Quite the choice; essentially doing nothing, saying meaningless nothings ,being parasite-like contributing nothing of benefit, exploiting people’s feelings and getting huge gobs of money to do so; or take on the responsibilities of being Countess of Wessex.
Hollywood Madam, Jody Gibson AKA Babydol is facing imprisonment but upon release is hoping for a career in singing./ Presumably she’s hoping her Hollywood clientele will vouch she has a set of lungs.
September 21
CBS touting their new fall schedule will be displaying it in several rooms on AOL ; in exchange CBS will provide advertising time for AOL./ Is this one the bookkeepers label a commercial success?
Most of Canada’s newest refugees have been the five boat loads arriving from Fujan province China./ Fujan averages 260 people per square kilometer compared to Canada’s three; if these people aren’t refugees perhaps they should be considered as part of a Chinese space program.
Sears Canada is spending $50million to acquire eight Eaton’s stores with $20million to acquire Eaton’s $390million tax losses which thereby will save Sears $175million in taxes./ Let me understand Sears spends $50million to save $175million in taxes and it’s people on Welfare costing the government money.
The Toronto Public Library system wishes to close 12 of its’ branches./ They’re facing dissent about this move but figure next time will be easier as it’s usually them people with all the book learning that cause problems.
Quaker Oats is chopping 1200 jobs Stateside and using their savings to expand their Gatorade operations./ So do you assign the death of those jobs to a cereal killer or blame ades?
The four major American television networks have told producers to shave time from their shows so more commercials may be fit in./ No one knows what necessarily makes a commercial success, however it seems every show is guaranteed to be a commercial excess.
South Africa’s tourism authorities want to develop Cape Town’s sex industry into a niche market to attract visitors./ The sloganeering is expected to be cliché; Welcome visitors, the customer always comes first and come again.
At noon on December 31st the last of the American owned land in Panama reverts back to the Panamanians./ Lately America has spearheaded a lot of the United Nations peacekeeping missions inviting Canada’s thin troops along, does anyone suspect they’re thinning our troops just to make their occupation of Canada easier.
Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf appear to be dating./ Look they may know all the procedures regarding court behavior but neither has experienced love themselves.
Option four is a process sweeping Ontario. It’s when a motorist guilty of speeding rather than receiving a ticket, incurring a $120. fine and losing points will voluntarily rewrite a highway safety test paying $60. only for that privilege. The difference between those two is rather than money going to provincial coffers it goes to the police directly./ NAFTA is indeed working when we have institutionalized bribery like Mexico rather just personal bribery.
September 22
Pokemon or “pocket monsters” are cartoon characters from Japan that appear on cards designed for collecting or playing games and as some of these cards are rare and sell for $50.American parents are worried their children may be duped into trading the wrong ones./ Parents trust me if you’re paying $50. for a Pokemon and giving it to your six-year-old it isn’t the child that’s being duped.
A Roper Starch survey found 87% of Americans agree either somewhat or fully that taxes are too high in addition the survey revealed 89% of Americans feel that government wastes money./ Amazingly nobody complained about government funding or subsidizing their own pet projects.
Wayne Gretzky commenting on his promotional work for Johnson and Johnson said he’s surprised the company would bear so much criticism for raising the awareness of arthritis./ A less classy individual than Gretzky would have just suggested take two Tylenol and don’t call me in the morning.
A Columbian Indian band threatening mass suicide was ignored by its’ government which gave oil drilling rights to Occidental Petroleum over the Indians’ objections./ It’s widely believed that hr Indians won’t have to make good on their threats of suicide as the environmental changes should kill them instead.
The British Foreign Office says conspiracy allegations that British intelligence killed Princess Diana and Dodi Fayed are baseless./ It seems then the story Camilla Parker Bowles somehow was responsible isn’t deniable.
Indonesian forces are continuing their withdraw of East Timor as peacekeeping forces pour in./ Sources believe this is the fastest withdraw they’ve seen since Hillary caught Bill with his latest intern.
Vous and tu are both the French words for you with vous being the formal address and tu being the familiar greeting; citing a diminishing amount of respect teachers in Quebec are requiring their students to address them using the formal vous./ Paraphrasing Shakespeare it seems “Vous to be, not tu, to be.”
Police are asking for the public’s assistance in solving a crime that occurred in Pickering back on January 8th. A robber holding up a Canada Trust demanded money from a teller finding insufficient amount at one a second teller got involved./ You can tell this was an old crime prior to Toronto Dominion’s take over of the trust company the fact two tellers were on duty at once.
Stepan Kovaltchuk from Montchintsi, Ukraine has been hiding in his attic for 57 years; first to avoid the Nazi’s then to escape from the Russian occupation./ It’s believed when Kovaltchuk finds out what’s happened in his absence he’ll quickly return to the attic.
Lawrence Packer a researcher at York University has identified 30,000 species of bees./ It’s believed most of us will encounter a majority of the sons of these bees.
September 23
Xerox agreed to acquire Tektronics colour-printing unit for $950millionAmerican./ Apparently this is an exact copy of some other company’s acquisition of another.
Bank of New York’s chairman admits that there were some supervisory lapses involving accounts at the centre of the money-laundering inquiry./ Very understandable it’s difficult to count your bribes and give full attention elsewhere.
Answering questions regarding emotional appeal, social responsibility, products and service, workplace environment and financial performance Johnson and Johnson was the only corporation to place in the top four in an American public opinion poll about all these categories. Johnson and Johnson’s credo written in 1943 places customers first, followed by employees, the community and last their shareholders./ How sneaky, treat people well and they’ll think highly of you.
Allowing women to child bear longer scientists have reversed menopause./ Great woman having PMS for more years.
John Cole, whose name is tattooed to the back of his neck convinced prison officials at the Ottawa-Carlton Regional Detention Centre to release him after posing as his cellmate./ This is highly understandable the guards figure here’s somebody who’s spent lots of time in jail the tattooed name is just a lover’s.
A criminal investigation has been launched against a North Vancouver woman after her 17-month-old dropped 230 feet from the top of Capilano suspension bridge which is where the mother and her two children were at the time of the incident./ What’s making the police’s suspicious is the other child claimed the family was there throwing peanuts off the bridge; only to find the mother’s moniker for the infant was “my little peanut.”
Diana Ross was arrested for allegedly assaulting a woman believed to be named Patricia Tat, a female airport guard, who Ross claims touched her breast during a search. Witnesses said Ross returned the treatment./ Summing up her position the singer claimed “I had no desire to be involved in a tit-for-Tat.”
David Hasselhoff who plays lifeguard Mitch Buchannon on television’s Baywatch is considering quitting after this year to pursue other interests./ In other words his sagging breasts have become an issue to him as well.
Controversial Albertan, Wiebo Ludwig is reconsidering his running for the leadership of Alberta’s Social Credit party saying he won’t run for the leadership if other Socreds don’t like the idea./ The other Socred who’s been on life support for the last twenty years didn’t come out of his coma to state his position.
Quebec should have its own national anthem and the Party Quebecois should launch a search for one, according to party members from the south shore./ Expected front running choices are “Breaking up is hard to do “ and “I can’t get no satisfaction”
September 24
President Clinton and Yasser Arafat met yesterday to discuss the ongoing negoiations between Palestinians and Israel./ One man who’d like to be remembered historically as a man pursuing after peace and another who’d like to be forgotten historically as a man pursuing after a piece
A Sun/Compas survey revealed 35% of Torontoian women fantasize about having sex in an exotic locale and 18% fantasize about sex with a movie star./ No sour grapes here but if they want Pee Wee Herman or Ernest in earthquake shook Greece or hurricane hit Bahamas my mother says I don’t need these ladies.
Ottawa has recorded a $2.9billion surplus./ Guesstimates have them spending $4billion for an in depth survey to find out what Canadians want then ignore the survey.
Due to electronic glitches it took four attempts for a Canadian Forces Hercules plane to reach Australia en route to East Timor./ Either the federal government is hoping there’s an excess of planes when the Onex deal goes through or hoping to pick up a couple Sopwith Camels at bargain prices.
Oscar De La Hoya and “Felix” Trinidad will fight Saturday night for the weight title thereby unifying some of boxing’s alphabetized mess. The winner everyone this side of Kreskin knows it’ll be Don King.
The Vancouver Grizzlies of the National Basketball Association have been sold and speculation is rampant they’ll move to the home of their buyer- St. Louis./ Toronto Raptor fans are confused as does this guarantee Toronto the best Canadian team in the NBA or the worst.
NASA’s first interplanetary weather satellite was presumed destroyed yesterday after failure to regain contact with earth./ Of course those butinsky women from Venus would like to have us believe it was those men from Mars that were responsible.
The international peacekeepers in Dili were plenty nervous yesterday as gunfire rattled across the ravaged city./ A “killie in Dili” , earthquakes in Turkey, Greece, Taiwan making a “whole lot of shaking going on” I believe 1999 will be proclaimed the year of Jerry Lee Lewis.
The national executive of the Progressive Conservative Youth Federation passed a resolution calling on the party to run joint candidates with Reform to defeat the Liberals./ Regarding the issue of joint candidates I believe Joe Clark has repeatedly shown his nonwillingness to inhale.
One out of fifteen Argentine women since 1970 has had breast enlargement surgery./ Does this make Argentina the South American country with the highest inflation rate?
In the poorest and most lawless part of India a Roman Catholic nun was kidnapped, stripped and forced to drink her abductors urine in what her captors claimed was a lesson to teach her to stop converting Hindus./ I understand one’s desire to be left alone but I’m sure this kind of activity just leads to a pissed nun.
Thousands of people gathered in a sports stadium in Kabul to watch an execution of a murderer and the amputation of the right hand and left foot of two highway robbers./ It’s believed when Texas hosts the Olympics this will be considered as an exhibition sport.
Pickering-Ajax-Whitby Animal Control is looking for the owner of a deserted goat to step forward./ Just another story of a homeless kid
September 28
Homosexual men a recent study indicates have longer penises than heterosexual men./ The gay populace has progressed to acceptance but this should set them back as people claim they’re actually the world’s biggest pricks.
A RCMP investigation continues into the life of the lady who dropped her baby off Capilano Bridge in North Vancouver./ Maybe if she stopped referring to her daughter as her ”bouncing baby girl” the investigators would go away..
Linda Tripp is suing the White House and the American Defense Department for releasing “unlawfully disclosed” information about her./ What kind of low-life individual would take information imparted in confidence and…. Never mind.
The South Korean government said it would not legalize the sale of dog meat until the 2002 World Cup soccer finals./ Damn where do you go when you have that hunger on. Did someone say McDonalds?
Mexico’s ruling party crushed the opposition in Coahuila state elections on Sunday thereby possibly ending the idea of fielding a joint opposition candidate in next year’s presidential election./ You’d think of all places Mexico would have a joint candidate.
California sociologist James Gibson writing in his book Warrior Dreams states that warriors going to the bathroom should avoid urinals as that leaves them open to rear attack so they should instead sit on the toilet with their pistol between their legs ready to fire at anyone that enters their stall./ Obviously they should try avoiding going off half-cocked.
A family returned home last night in Pickering to a 15-year-old in their daughter’s bedroom wearing her bra, panties and dress; the father was very upset./ He told the daughter “see he thinks it’s a nice outfit now why won’t you wear it?”
Former Porn star, present Italian politician, Ilona Staller, has confessed to spying for the Hungarians in the 1970’s./ We always suspected she was involved in some September 27
The police believe they’ve captured the Scarborough Rapist../ I’m overjoyed for women, delighted for the police but personally disappointed having originally read the news as rap artist arrested.
The Cleveland Indians of baseball were in Toronto yesterday and supposedly part of an initiation ceremony had their rookies Dave Roberts and Jolbert Cabrera leave Sky Dome wearing dresses./ Admittedly I know nothing about baseball but does this mean the Indian’s require switch hitters?
Rumours have Prince William delaying College by a year to work on a farm in either Argentina or Australia./ My guess it would be a sheep farm; having the position of a Royal he has to be experienced at fleecing the sheep.
Former vice-president Dan Quayle, lacking funding and support dropped out of the race for the 2000 Republican presidential nomination./ Quayle was very frank spelling it out he said “I K-W-I-T! presumably to become a couch potatoe.
Strikers at the Empress Hotel in Victoria have caused disruption to the hotel’s 91-year-old tradition of high tea. Claiming we’re still in the hospitality industry, strikers however handed cups of tea to passing tourists./ The first strike I’ve heard of where more pinkies were extended then middle fingers.
Switzerland’s agriculture ministry and the Swiss Farmers’ Association will provide 500 cows to Kosovo in an attempt to rebuild decimated herds from the war-torn area./ Such a gesture could only be considered moooooving.
The Toronto Symphony Orchestra is on strike./ Some would say the Symphony is brassed off; however, I think it’s sufficient to say negoiations hit a sour note.
undercover operations. Joseph Chahine AKA Tuxedo Bandit because he always wore a white tuxedo shirt and black dress pants went weepy and apologized yesterday in court after being sentenced to five years of prison for ten armed robberies./ Apparently he had believed no formal charges would ever be made.
Former Deputy Minister of Malaysia Anwar Ibrahim attended his sodomy trial his first appearance since September 10th. Backers allege he was poisoned./ Do you want backers present at your sodomy trial?
September 29
David Korzenowski of Stellarton pleaded guilty to marijuana useage however pled special circumstances saying it improved his appetite.?/ I believe I’ve seen enough junk food wrappers around marijuana users to believe at least part of that.
A British hospital in Birmingham England is offering to return 1500 hearts of babies after having stored the organs for over thirty years for medical research./ What are the parents expected to offer a heartfelt thanks
Noting that most people didn’t know they were from the Isle of Man their postal service is releasing six stamps in homage to the Brothers Gibb./ Folks some secrets you just don’t want people knowing.
Radioactive Rhubarb has been found growing in Pembroke near a factory that makes glow-in-the-dark signs from nuclear waste./ Company spokesperson stated we’ve only received glowing compliments about this and people who have consumed it looked positively radiant.
Sistema Brasileiro de Televisao is a Brazilian television channel featuring such shows such as bikini-clad models grappling with a male guest for a bar of soap in a gigantic bathtub, quiz-show hostess wearing dominatrix outfits and other similar type programs./ Who says there’s nothing worthwhile on television?
Police were unable to snag a motorist playing trumpet in his vehicle along Highway 401 but have sent off a letter of warning to the vehicle’s owner./ I’m unsure of the offense as the driver afterall was in a traffic jam.
The federal government denies allegations of financial mismanagement made by the Samson Cree Nation./ If they didn’t mismanage there; how is it they manage to mismanage everywhere else then?
Yasser Arafat is meeting resistance from Palestinians in the surrender of their weapons something required by the peace accords./ Apparently the Palestinians are afraid of leaving for a better life in the States and don’t wish to be inexperienced
regarding guns and other weaponry. A senior aid of Russian President Boris Yelstin claims the West is using the money-laundering scandal to humiliate Russia./ He added if the West ever wishes to see the money again that they’re indeed living in fantasy land.
An increasing number of women are joining Canadian police forces./ Some of the classifieds reassure me there’s lots of women with handcuff experience
September 30
Republican presidential candidate Gary Bauer held a news conference to deny inappropriate relations with a campaign aide./ Most people were shocked they didn’t even know Gary Bauer let alone he was running for president.
A former United Nations official was convicted of bilking the world body of $800,000American while making travel arrangements for peacekeepers in Yugoslavia. The scheme involved false invoices for excess-luggage charges./ What alerted the United Nations was the official claimed armed weaponry being shipped by Canadians while everyone knows Canada has no weapons.
American vice president Al Gore is moving his campaign to Nashville, Tennessee so as not to like a Washington-insider./ Unfortunately for him Bradley of the Democrats and Bush of the Republicans will insure he never has that image again.
Cable News Network founder Ted Turner spoke out against the Internet tycoons saying they didn’t appreciate or respect wealth and that he “was a socialist at heart”./ Okay so socialism seems dead it at least explains his marriage; maybe?
Royal Bank expects to eliminate “several thousand” jobs as part of it’s $400million cost-cutting program./ It could do that or just let chairman John Cleghorn go and pay him less than $100millionm in severance.
Skater Tonya Harding returns to the competitive ice October 18 for the first time since her incident with Nancy Kerrigan back in 1994. Harding will be participating in ESPN’s Professional Skating Championship./ It will be interesting to watch to see what time has done to her bat swing.
In Roanoke, Virginia, three youngsters were charged with the destruction of public property after writing their names in wet cement / In a supposedly unrelated story Gary Coleman’s and Danny Mosts’ stars have been removed in Hollywood.
The judges who must appoint a successor to independent counsel Kenneth Starr have started interviewing to fill that position./ It’s expected if they’re looking for a like-minded individual to Starr; ergo the candidate will be over 350-years-old, having worked the Salem Witch Trials last.
In Uganda where homosexuality is considered a criminal offense, President Museveni has called for their arrests./ Not surprisingly human rights have protested the incarnation of these homosexuals into all male prisons; what may be surprising is the prisoners protesting the activists concern
Investors in David Copperfield’s theme restaurants lost over $34.millionAmerican./ Having Claudia Schiffer disappear from his life we understand that act but how he pulled this vanishing act is beyond me.
October 1
Ontario has hired 57 radiation therapists from Australia and New Zealand to combat a backlog of cancer patients awaiting radiation treatment./ Some people may object to the hiring of foreigners but I figure the Australians bring firsthand knowledge of getting out from down under.
The Empress Hotel in Victoria seems to have reached labour peace with a new contract for their workers./ The agreement is expected to ensure no one will be cross at high tea as it will be served by doting ayes.
An arrest warrant has been issued for Montreal boxer, David Hilton alleging violations of bail conditions set in spring regarding a sexual-assault case./ At last Canada has someone definitely a match for Mike Tyson.
American President Bill Clinton has gained 18lbs. since 1997./ This is very understandable as his exercise regimen was severely curtailed no more running after interns.
Basketball’s Toronto Raptors have removed the dinosaur from their uniform declaring it extinct./ If only the political world could follow suit and get rid of their dinosaurs.
A team of French and American scientists have concluded Neanderthals were cannibals./ Surprisingly and amazing to some but the opposite to others is their no evidence indicating consumption of a mother-in-law as their seemed to be a noodle alternative.
A bar in Moncton New Brunswick is facing controversy over their beauty contest for flat-chested women to win a prize that would allow them breast implants./ Always there’s someone upset about plans of making mountains out of molehills.
NASA officials admit the reason for their loss of their Mars weather satellite was confusion between metric and imperial measurements. NASA spokesperson vowed “ in the future we’ll make sure to put our best foot forward, er um best metre, er um we’ll get back to you.”
Copper company Phelps Dodge is buying Cyprus Amax Minerals./ I don’t know much about the deal except both are American mining companies involved in copper mining you’d have to ask someone else if this deal makes cents.
The NHL season kicks off tonight without Wayne Gretzky playing./ Fans will have to wait and see if they can have a Great One.
October 4
The number of Americans without health insurance has increased to 44.3million./ Republican candidates don’t view this as a problem saying they don’t believe in sick days anyway.
Munich just ended its sixteen day Oktoberfest where 6.5million revellers consumed over 12million pints of beer./ The biggest concern about the festival must be that everyone doesn’t flush with excess at the same time.
Quebec Premier Lucien Bouchard is looking for a private meeting with American President Bill Clinton./ Bouchard apparently wants Clinton advice about when separation doesn’t look like a viable option.
According to Edmonton police the Hells Angels tried to infiltrate their ranks./ The believed cause of the Angels failure was they couldn’t develop a taste for doughnuts.
George Cornish is Calgary’s one-man public school board since Alberta’s Learning Minister canned the other seven trustees for irreconcilable differences. Cornish hasn’t no such problems./ Premier Mike Harris is believed to be looking seriously at the idea of one-man rule himself.
High levels of cancer-causing chemicals have been found in a line of popular Chinese sauces./ What makes it really lethal is that an hour later you want to have some more again.
In an attempt to commit suicide a Connecticut man castrated himself The judge has ordered the appendage reattached./ If the operation is successful the man will be still able to keep coming even though all he wanted was to be going
In Virginia school authorities reacting to potentially dangerous behavior expelled a student for dying his hair blue./ The times sure have changed most of my teachers were blue haired old ladies on the verge of retirement.
Airborne chemicals deposit themselves on high ground making that area a chemical dumping ground ;such is the case of the snow on the Rockies./ Therefore not only don’t eat the yellow snow; don’t eat the snow.
Revlon Cosmetics which had been on the auction block was removed from there after no buyer appeared and the stock falling 34%./ Talk about a lot to make up.
October 5
Florida has launched a pilot program amongst its government workers encouraging them to make their final wishes for medical treatment known and constructing a living will./ Because this is being done with civil servants it’s believed the program will be called living testimony from the living dead.
A recent study states adults spanked or slapped as children are twice as likely to have drug or alcohol problems or antisocial disorders as those not hit./ Contradicting this perhaps is the fact my dominatrix doesn’t tolerate… whoops maybe said too much.
According to Ontario’s provincial Municipal Affairs Minister Steve Gilchrist the initials CBC stands for Communist Broadcasting Company./ Makes sense hearing this from a P.C. Pea-sized Cranium.
Michelle Helen Lawes has been charged with five counts of robbery and ten counts of theft under $5000 after pickpocketing elderly men. Her technique consisted of cycling along side streets finding a victim asking for water or a light of cigarette and when the victim grew closer distracting him by groping his genitals then stealing his wallet./ No word whether her victims wish her a stiff sentence.
DaimlerChrysler workers are upset their union is threatening strike action if the automaker doesn’t help push for unionization at a Magna plant./ Hargrove’s skills should have the workers on strike mostly against the union.
Ajax’s Transit director Terry Barnett has been charged with theft in connection with alleged misappropriation of funds./ When I think of crime and a transit director my first impulse is to think trafficking.
Two ex-strippers were sentenced to community service work for their part in kidnapping a teen to prevent her from testifying against her pimp./ Some of us believe by the nature of their work strippers already provide community service.
MCI WorldCom Inc. made a successful $115billionAmerican bid for Sprint Corp./ Always nice to see corporations spending money on takeovers rather than wasting it providing customer service or eliminating service charges.
Adrienne Clarkson, the governor-general-designate issuing one her first directives has announced she wishes to be addressed as “Madame Clarkson”/ Makes good sense to me, Madames usually don’t do a great deal, make great money and front for the people providing the screwing job.
Members of the Progressive Conservative Youth Federation will be attending the United Alternative convention despite the party’s overwhelming rejection of this initiative./ Speaking for the youth it’s been said “We’re youth we like to party.”
October 6
Megawati Sukarnoputri is Indonesia’s leader of the opposition and she has potential to be president if she could rid herself of her reluctance to form coalitions with other leaders./ It seems until she brightens up to the reality of politics Megawati may be considered a dim bulb.
Toy manufacturer Mattel’s stock has plunged./ Evidently they’re changing their historical jingle from “It’s Mattel it’s swell” to “Its Mattel it fell.”
Former American President Ronald Reagan decorates a proposed commemorative California license plate./ Kind of ironical as some of us thought with Iran-Contra and S+L collapses he’d maybe making license plates instead.
In what’s become a worldwide problem gangs of gnome-nappers are active from Britain to New Zealand./ These thieves of garden midgets continue to be at large.
Early exposure to a second language grows more connections in a baby’s brain researchers claim while exulting about the results of teaching the second language./ Parents unsure whether this is working can tell by their child’s cries if the cry makes think you might require a lawyer, the child is learning Yiddish; if the child’s cry provokes you to get a glass of wine and cigarette you know they’re learning French and if the baby’s cries only when you have absolutely nothing better to do then tend them you know they’re learning English; Canadian style.
Republican, Presidential nominee hopeful, George Bush criticized his own party’s record on social issues, saying it puts forth an image of “America slouching toward Gomorrah./ Many disagree with that assessment believing America is marching straight and upright to Gomorrah.
Percy Miller AKA Master P is a rapper who’s made $400millionAmerican and he’s trying out for Toronto’s basketball team the Raptors./ So many folks are pulling for him; much better him playing basketball then we having another rapper out there.
The Scottish Rugby Union is playing canned cheers at stadiums to lift fans spirits./ What has distressed the fans is the sound of canned heads being banged.
Scientists speculate that Neptune and Uranus could house giant diamond factories./ This is great news for some guys you can that harping woman off your back and have her on Uranus.
Polish authorities have given permission for a disco to be housed in a building that was a storage depot for the personal effects of victims of the Auschwitz Nazi death camp./ Has the site not witnessed enough of man’s inhumanities?
October 7
Ontario’s provincial ministry of health has paid for 10,000 condoms distributed by Hamilton-Wentworth’s department of public health mostly to escort agencies./ In other words just about the same as the American taxpayer pays for presidential and senate useage.
Ontario’s provincial ministry of health has paid for 10,000 condoms distributed by Hamilton-Wentworth’s department of public health mostly to escort agencies./ In other words just about the same as the American taxpayer pays for presidential and senate useage.
South Carolina, America’s major supplier of sweet potatoes because of Hurricane Floyd wasn’t able to harvest it’s crop. Ontario farmers have filled the void/ claiming rather unifiedly “that’s what I yam here for.”
Toronto special investigation services have found Russian and Asian gangs teaming up to distribute drugs, weapons and counterfeit money./ Isn’t that what makes Toronto terrific; people drop their prejudices and work together.
Buzz Hargrove admitted that he was posturing when threatening to shut down DaimlerChrysler if the controversial Magna issue couldn’t be resolved./ Management responded considering we vote ourselves pay increases of 30-40% yearly we were surprised the suckers excepted less then two digit increases annually.
Four guards at Corcoran State Prison, a California maximum security penitentiary were brought to trial for encouraging one prisoner to sodomized another./ The guards’ defense is” we were just encouraging the prisoners that if they couldn’t love the one they want love the one you are with.”
George Bush and Steve Forbes Republican contenders for the American presidency, both plan on spending about $20millionAmerican initially advertising themselves./ Americans will have tough choice voting for a man that spends that kind of money on himself or the man that owes that much for a $400,000 minus taxes job.
A ”joy machine” at Welsh Millennium Stadium can pour twelve pints of beer in less than twenty seconds./ So just about as fast as the average fan can drink them.
Ontario Premier Mike Harris admitted his government hasn’t kept up spending to fix deteriorating roads, hospitals and schools./ The bright side according to the Premier the rich thanks to his tax cuts can fly anywhere, hospitalize themselves in the States and send their children there to further their education; the poor are use to deterioration.
British and American researchers have found a high trace amounts of cocaine in their respective paper currency,/ You knew their was a reason currency trading is so popular and traders all seem to have so much adrenaline
Former New York University student George Szamuely had 570 overdues at the library./ Police of course were forced to book him.
October 8
Buzz Hargrove and management representatives of General Motors start earnest negoiations./ It’s expected Hargrove will confess he was just bluffing when he suggested management put workers’ concerns before union leaders greed.
Forty-two dead dolphins have washed up on Florida shores since August; baffling some researchers./ The logical explanation seems to be enraged relatives of tuna which had been paying protection and seeing no sacrificing occurring.
Wives and children of Toronto Argonauts gathered at the Daily Bread Food Bank publicizing the Thanksgiving Food Drive./ Unfortunately with the shabby way we treat most CFLer’s most are expected to be bank users.
The Ontario provincial government is considering building a toll highway to Niagara Falls./ It’s expected to condition people to throwing bunches of quarters and getting nothing in return.
American President Bill Clinton addressed to different constituencies yesterday; first addressing the teamsters then gay rights advocates./ One could guess Clinton supported union but wasn’t quite sure whether or not he’d blow off the gays.
New Governor-General Adrienne Clarkson announced she will travel by airplane, automobile, train, canoe and kayak to meet Canadians./ Apparently she’ll spend whatever it takes to keep average Canadians from traipsing through Rideau Hall.
The Glasgow Infirmary in Britain has requested a special licence to import sperm from Denmark for artificial insemination./ It seems something under the kilt is indeed worn.
The government has found the highest percentage of people living in poverty were children./ The solution seems simple enough have these children’s parents hike their allowance.
In St. John’s Newfoundland a thief has been making off with plants and shrubbery from a local cemetery./ It’s believed the thief when captured; will claim he was only attempting to rescue the family tree.
The sales of men scents have been increasing the last several years whereas women’s sales have stagnated,/ Stagnated I’m sure one word the bottlers don’t wish to hear.
October 11
American Vice-President Al Gore wishes to learn how to be less studied and more “authentic”./ He’ll be consulting with lying half-brother’s Pinnichio father Jepadato for instructions.
Colt’s Manufacturing Company inventor of the six-shooter and various guns is getting out of the retail market in an attempt to avoid lawsuits./ Seems a social conscience can’t dissuade gun-makers but lawsuits can dissuade gun-makers.
Immigrants posing as entrepreneur-immigrants don’t face the stringency regular immigrants do in Canada; instead they’re required to open, manage and hire a nonrelative Canadian within two years of their arrival. It seems even though forty percent of these entrepreneur-immigrants fail to make the criteria through failure or fraud they’re allowed to stay./ Business failure or business fraud nothing seems apparently to make them more Canadian than that.
The Federal Fish Ministry has come up with a solution neither side is happy with regarding the Maritimes lobster war./ It seems only employees of Red Lobster will be allowed to fish for lobster and that at least 30% of Red Lobster staff be made up of various Indian tribes.
It’s alleged because of physical demands and electronic requirements lots of high-priced concerts has the entertainer lip-synching./ The goods news is finally those stocks in that player piano company grandfather invested so heavily in may finally be worth something.
American President, Bill Clinton speaking at the closing of the International Conference of Federalism praised Canada, questioned separatism and suggested that cooperation and federalism should only increase in the move toward global economies./ His speech could be considered the antithesis of the infamous “Vive le Quebec libre.” spiel; I’m sure Parti Quebecois members judging Clinton may have wondered of DeGaulle of the man.
Though subject to various forms of appeal former Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet has had a London court approve his extradition to Spain to face charges of torture and conspiracy to commit torture. His defense group complains Pinochet is the victim of a political conspiracy./ Apparently the same conspiracy group that brought Nazi’s to trial in Nuremberg.
Worldwide Wrestling Federation has denied rumours of their possible purchase of the Toronto Argonauts./ It’s a shame really all those empty seats that could be torn up and used to knock down the guy with the football./
An American jury awarded $2.2millionAmerican to thirteen American Airlines passengers who suffered through thirty seconds of severe turbulence. Apparently the jury agreed with the premise the fear of death resulting from the incident was so damaging that it deserved the reward usually given to those who sustain physical injuries./ In fairness to those who think that is a high amount to be paid to be scared; when you divide the money up between the thirteen, it’s actually works out to about double what the passengers would have to pay to get the same effect at Disney World.
Park wardens in Banff have found waving a hockey-stick covered with a plastic bag at an elk during mating season curtails the beast’s aggression towards people. In fairness to the elk it should be pointed out they skate and pass well; it’s just the hockey-stick-waving approach that makes them appear more chicken-hearted than your average Swede going into the corners.
October 12
About 400 Cuban Jews emigrated to Israel over the last two years in a secret operation that apparently had the blessings of Castro./ Unfortunately for the Jews they thought when they were told they could go to the “promised land” that the authorities meant Florida.
Controversies of sexual matters may have prevented Ontario Conservative’s, Al McLean and Jim Brown from returning to the legislature, however; old-style pork-barrel politics have them receiving well-paying provincial board appointments./ No matter the sexual matter, these guys show they still know how to screw at least the public.
Two dogs were pulled alive from under a building that had collapsed nineteen days earlier during China’s devastating earthquake./ The dogs were in great shape owing to the fact they had neither had been chased or hunted as food for three weeks.
The military is updating its dress code allowing the wearing of turbans the dying of one’s hair and several other things to reflect a modern, tolerant attitude; however they draw the line on body piercing./ I know one soldier that’ll be disappointed that no he can’t have a medal pinned to his chest.
British Columbia has its first candidate in the New Democrat leadership race, their Agriculture Minister Corky Evans./ His policy is expected to be, how can you not like a guy called Corky?
A preliminary study suggests cuts in benefits have pushed thousands of people into homeless shelters./ Another study is expected that’ll show the rich are better off than the poor.
The Ontario government acknowledging problems in the area of collection of money from deadbeat parents saw the experiment of turning the job over to the private sector nonsuccessful as the private collection agencies collected only $4.4million of $450million owed to children./ In the meantime rather than starve these children could clean car windows, or; oh sorry.
Michael Jackson and his second wife Debbie Rowe are divorcing citing irreconcilable differences./ It seems Debbie Rowe is a white female and Jackson is a……
Irene Pepperberg is a scientist who claims to have trained a parrot to talk, perform complex tasks and think; her detractors suggest rather then being capable of advanced behaviour the bird is just a clever mimic./ Something like the debate over Mike Harris’s Republican style of party policies.
Virden, Manitoba residents with fair porous hair are finding it dyed a yellow-orange due to upgrading in their water-treatment plant. The situation, which allegedly has no impact upon the drinking water and is expected to take two months to correct itself./ In the interim the town can expect to be inundated with homeless punks who couldn’t afford the look if left to their own devices.
October 13
Finding the name Disney means boredom to teenagers and preteens the company is moving in a direction to recapture that market without destroying its’ image of wholesomeness./ What did they think it was the pertness of mouseketeer’s Annette Funicello ears that use to attract previous generations’ attention?
Britain’s Department of Trade and Industry has proposed a law making it illegal for a pub to pour a glass of beer with more than 5%froth./ You’d hope pubs wouldn’t or shouldn’t require legislation stopping them from playing head games with patrons
The Maine state government got an indication perhaps they’re not quite Y2K ready when owners of various automotive vehicles had their transport identified as “horseless carriages”./ Would you call that a “night”mare” or “nag”ging problem?
Ottawa is considering raising the age of consensual sex from 14 to 16 whereas they’re considering allowing the age of homosexual intercourse to change from 18 to16./ Great you’ll get screwed in life later and buggered sooner.
Basketball great Wilt Chamberlain who claimed to have slept with 20,000 women was found dead yesterday believed dead of a heart-attack at age 63./ Mourners are consoling themselves knowing if anyone can; Chamberlain will find “piece” when laid to rest as a stiff.
Two property developers are planning on building an assisted-living high-rise for elderly homosexuals./ The only difference between this facility and any found within the straight community is this will have exclusively only rear entrances.
An increase of children living in poverty has caused a subsequent increase of use of school’s lunch programs./ On the upside this may be a method that might increase attendance.
Researchers in Toronto and Edmonton have discovered the toxin E coli usually associated with undercooked meat and bloody diarrhea can penetrate certain cancer cells and cause them to self-destruct./ Did someone say McDonald’s?
Cristina Sanchez, Spain’s top female matador hoped to retract her announced retirement plans from May; hoping colleagues would suggest she shouldn’t, unfortunately for her the males of the sport stayed sexist; so Sanchez conceding fatigue with their attitude has made her retirement official./ It seems she could take the bull; but she could no longer take the bull.
In yesterday’s Throne Speech, Canadians were promised longer parental leave on the birth of their children./ No word if they’d have the right to refuse it.
October 14
Industry publication, Beverage Digest reports America’s fastest -growing major soft drink is Mountain Dew; this is because, or despite stories that consumption of the beverage leads to a lower sperm count./ Would you call those rumours fertile or infertile?
Ontario Premier Mike Harris says he has four times more reasons then Toronto Mayor Mel Lastman to mad because Ontario pays four times the cost of refugees and deadbeat sponsors and Ottawa is ripping off the province./ Premier Harris I believe you’re quite correct; however what’s concerning your critics is your absence of anger.
Afro-Americans reportedly are less likely to be given life-saving surgery in the beginning stages of lung cancer according to doctors./ Various reasons are being promoted as to the cause of this; however the obvious seems to being ignored, that being perhaps doctors are erring in thinking black lung is natural condition to this cultural group.
Christopher Michael Langan possesses an IQ of 195 points works as a nightclub bouncer./ Logic dictates if you work with figures all the time you should keep sharp.
Philip Morris, America’s largest cigarette maker reveals at an Internet location that smoking indeed causes health problems such as lung cancer, emphysema and heart disease in addition to being highly addictive./ Smokers are expected to be fuming “Why didn’t someone tell us; we were under the impression that smoking was healthy, nutritious and delicious.
Frightened people emit a sharp, unpleasant smell, according to Denise Chen of the Monell Chemical Senses Centre in Philadelphia and Jeanette Haviland-Jones of Rutger University./ I’m no scientist but I believe the scientific name for this phenomenon is called “shitting ones’ self.
Contradicting theoretical hypotheses drug users are on society’s fringe, a survey 24000 Americans conducted by Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration indicated 70per-cent of people who abuse drugs, including heroin, work full-time./ The Ontario government wishes to test for drug and alcohol abuse. Why?
Federal Heritage Minister, Sheila Copps will appear on the television series Power Play, tomorrow night. In the show Copps will prevent a fictional hockey team from leaving Canada for the States./ You’re sure of the fiction immediately by the fact no one would believe the Canadian government, let alone Copps having that much power.
Police in Halifax are setting up a “bully hotline” so students reluctant to go to the principal out of fear of retaliation may call this number./ In Ontario the same service was offered but was canceled after several months after receiving the name of their suspect over and over; no word on how they’re dealing with Harris.
In British Columbia attempting to stop hooligans from stockpiling fireworks they’re selling packages of fireworks in large “family packs” rather then single firecrackers./ The score is logic zero, stupidity one.
October 15
Last night on an episode of CBS’s prime time television show Chicago Hope censors feeling they were pushing the envelope allowed the word shit to escape one of the characters lips./ The censors are now awaiting to see if the shit is a hit with fans; personally the fact this is considered controversial in 1999 seems to Lewinsky to me.
Miramax Films paid a record amount for “Omerta” Mario Puzo’s last novel./ You knew instinctually they’d have to make an offer that couldn’t be refused.
High-flying, Canadian entrepreneur Michael Cowpland is accused of insider trading. / Who does he think he is; Canada’s Bill Gates?
According to a new study children in daycare and other early-childhood programs do much better in school later than their counterparts children raised by stay-at-home parents./ We’re not sure if this a commendation of daycare facilities or condemnation of stay-at -home parents.
Governor General Adrienne Clarkson has ordered all food served at Rideau Hall be 100% organic; this is expected to raise kitchen costs by approximately 20%./ In fairness to the Governor General we were told her being picked was a natural choice.
Robert Ray an assistant to Kenneth Starr has been named the Independent Council’s replacement./ It’s expected he’ll spend years investigating innuendo and unsubstantiated rumours at an exorbitant cost to the American taxpayer.
Despite finding some women found it offensive to their sensibilities, Ottawa’s Agriculture Museum has resumed giving calves female names./ One cow asked about this; named Shelia Copps, said she “deplored the practice but took consolation in the fact she wasn’t called Deborah Gray.”
An Italian, who knowingly transmitted the AIDS virus to his wife, resulting in her death; was found guilty of murder./ Police conceded if the man hadn’t been so “macho” bragging about screwing his wife to death he may have got away with murder.
In an attempt to bring closure to the Monica Lewinsky scandal for the remainder of his presidency Bill Clinton stated “When I’m out of office I will have a lot to say about this.” Supposedly that lot to say will be available in book stores for $49.95American.
About 600 Iraqi couples married at a mass ceremony commemorating the fourth anniversary that extended President Saddam Hussein’s term of office./ Both brides and grooms talked about the symbolism the brides about being screwed, the grooms about being buggered.
October 18
This weekend in 250 cities worldwide including Toronto, animal rights protesters claimed that McDonald’s suppliers raised and killed livestock cruelly./ Who even knew their was meat or meat byproducts in McDonald’s food?
British Conservative leader, William Hague has found public dissatisfaction with the common currency of the Euro./ For right now Hague is quite content to pound Blair about the issue.
A recent study published in the Journal of Clinical Practice states vigorous sex burns up more energy than cycling, a brisk walk, wallpapering, heavy housework or even playing golf./ The advantage is you’re guaranteed usually a hole in one and the benefits occur if you don’t take strokes off your game.
Celebrating the release of 151 Palestinian prisoners shots rang out and bagpipes were played./ It’s believed 152 Palestinians were imprisoned for disturbing the peace.
New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani’s administration is being sued by the KKK for not allowing them a permit for a “white pride” rally. The administration’s defense is that there’s a state law which prohibits people in masks from congregating publicly except at authorized masquerade parties./ In a surprising move Al Sharpton supposedly volunteered to act as peacemaker between the sides; suggesting the KKK wear their costumes and meet him in New Orleans for Mardi Gras.
Peter LaLonde president of the Better Business Bureau, of Toronto concedes bad service is becoming a big problem./ Finally he answered that question which had originally had been posed February 1987.
Great humanitarian, Oskar Schindler’s list and suitcase was discovered by his children in Stuttgart, Germany./ Proving the authenticity of the list and further illustrating the man’s humanity; in addition to saying save at least 1200 Jewish lives, it adds pick up a quart of milk, a dozen eggs and a loaf of bread.
Michael Cowpland speaking out against the charges of insider trading alleged by the Ontario Securities Commission stated they’re nothing more than “a little speed bump” in the pressurized grind of running a giant software company./ If imprisoned nothing more than “a little speed bump” is the expected description Cowpland will be giving of the wart on his posterior, to the coprisoner who makes Cowpland his “bitch.”
Ontario Financial Minister Ernie Eves predicts Ontario’s deficit to be eliminated by 2000-2001./ By that time he figures that with workfare welfare should bring in revenue working at highways, provincial prisons, schools, TVO, Ontario Hydro, hospitals especially now that these institutions are privatized; the government has pledged to get out every business but the provincial police, lotteries and brewer’s retail and the liquor stores stating the business of government isn’t business, or caring for the sick or helping people through times of need or educating them or imposing measures which would just frustrate the free flow of business.
Hurricane Irene took its toll on Florida leaving approximately 1.5million residents without power./ The good news is it saved people those really difficult decisions do I watch Profiler, Martial Law, College Football or America’s most Wanted?
October 19
In Toronto, a weekend suicide attempt an area known as the Bloor St. Viaduct has renewed calls for the construction of a barrier; as certain city councillors have labeled the area a “suicide magnet”./ It’s believed if Ontario Premier Mike Harris could be convinced to take a walking tour of the site Torontoians would benefit immediately.
Mark Lukacko who ran an escort agency has been accused of pimping./ According to Lukacko the girls were instructed “no sex” so it must have been their mistake if they thought of themselves as conversation pieces.
A recent survey of middle-aged British men found they’re secretly addicted to pork pies./ A man and his addictions is his own business; however having said that let me conclude saying this “guys you’re not playing kosher”
Exterminators in New Orleans are trying to curb an infestation of Formosan termites with a product called Premise; the bait intoxicates termites-they get lethargic, lose their way and stop grooming./ Woman groups are pushing for the banning of Premise on the assumption most males must get exposed to it every weekend.
An underwater platform is being constructed near Capernaum so those wishing to do so can replicate what was believed to be the “miracle of Jesus walking on the water”./ Rather a minor miracle compared to raising the dead which Viagra has allowed.
Believed to be for reasons of modesty it seems fewer high-school boys are using the communal shower./ It’s not known if gym teachers will be seeking substitute perks
Al Gore claims his bid seeking the Democratic presidential nomination is a “very personal quest” and he might not invite Bill Clinton’s assistance on the campaign trail. Clinton responded by taking no offense./ It’s believed Clinton has learned to put out feelers only when they’re appreciated.
Hallie Broadribb is a 16-year-old girl who dreamed of being a ballerina but unfortunately lost a leg to bone cancer a year ago; after all this time of keeping it stored in the family freezer Hallie relented and held a formal funeral for the limb./ It’s sincerely hoped that someday in the distant future when Hallie’s days come to an end she rests in peace not pieces.
The Canadian Medical Association Journal reports Furby despite its electronic and computer gadgetry is safe to bring to the hospital as it won’t interfere with sensitive medical equipment./ However it seems the recommendation to keep Harris away still stands
In sports fans are excited about hearing the cracking of bats./ It seems Tonya Harding has returned to the ranks of figure skating.
October 20
An Iranian court has ordered the stoning of a woman for committing adultery./ Somehow in a twisted form of logic they see the righteous of this sentencing; stoning, for getting your rocks off.
Microsoft said “awesome” demand for PC’s in the latest quarter fueled revenue and earnings growth that exceeded even the most bullish expectations./ When prodded for further comment a spokesperson stated “Well it’s like you know”.
Former B.C. finance minister Joy MacPhail has entered the leadership race for the British Columbian New Democrats./ There’s no truth to the rumour writer Michael Bliss wishes to join the party as deputy premier so that between the two of them they can bring Joy and Bliss to the province.
J.P. Dumont an NHL rookie out of Montreal, playing for Chicago, was temporarily knocked unconscious; coming to the bilingual player only could speak French taking a while to regain his English skills./ Upon hearing of this incident Quebec Premier Lucien Bouchard vowed the next vote on separation will be conducted in low ceilinged facilities.
Republican presidential candidate George Bush is accused of possessing cocaine in 1972 and using his father to have the fact deleted from the records./ Bush is denying the allegation, but I’m sure if even the incident is true at worst Bush possessed but never snorted.
By entering www.deathclock.com on the Internet you may get the projected date of your death./ According to the site, American senator Jesse Helms should have been dead forty-nine years ago; how’s that for accuracy?
He was a movie star at the age of two, went on to have 30-year film career and now lives in comfortable retirement as an artist next-door to Bob Hope. Pretty good for a chimpanzee. The original Cheetah is now 67 and still active./ In fact it’s believed he just received a marriage proposal from Anna Nicole Smith.
Britain and France are squabbling over the fact France still is banning the importation of British beef./ The next round of escalation is expected to be British television banning French-kissing on any of it’s soaps.
A seventeen-year-old was shot to death when as a prank he was caught stealing a pumpkin./ Deepest sympathies to his family; that someone thought protecting gourd allowed the commission of evil.
Todd Ducharme, defense lawyer for Eli Stewart Nicholas has lashed out at the media for labeling Nicholas “the bedroom rapist”. So far, Nicholas has been charged with two counts breaking and entering, two counts sexual assault, one count of being masked with intent and two counts of failure to comply with bail conditions./ I guess unemployment is still bad and one needs their full resume published.
October 21
Members of the Public Service Alliance of Canada were elated with a Federal Court decision awarding them a multi-billion-dollar pay equity payment from the federal government./ Ottawa’s reaction was “Who appointed these judges and hired these civil servants?
Kim Phuc was five-years-old when a fire-bomb attack on her village in Viet Nam caused her to rip off her clothes and run naked and terrified to escape. That moment back in 1972 was captured by an Associated Press photographer; winning a Pulitzer Prize it helped solidify the anti-war sentiment and brought in revenues for Associated Press. The Girl in the Picture is the title of Kim Phuc’s autobiography and Associated Press wishes to charge her for the use of this photo as a dust jacket./ I wonder if I could sell a photograph of Associated Press’s Head Honcho with his testicles hanging out to Reuters.
Halifax restaurant and bar owners are outraged that the Casino is allowed to serve alcohol round the clock./ In defense of the casino let it be said gamblers always require a drink.
The vice-chairman of Quebec’s ethics committee was found guilty of drunk driving and resisting arrest./ His defense was he was just conducting research on police conduct..
Scientists have discovered lesbian behavior in beetles excites the male causing them more inclination to wish to mate./ It’s expected whip-wielding female beetles saying “who’s my puppy wuppy” will attract even further males.
A new Winnipeg radio station devoted to Christian rock is embroiled in controversy about it’s decision not to play openly gay artist’s records./ Does this mean if Jim Nabors sang rock would they play him or not?
In the Ontario legislature the provincial members of parlaiment elected former Toronto Marlboro goalie Gary Carr speaker of the house./ A goalie seems an appropriate decision as you want somebody that will keep the pucks out.
Ontario Premier Mike Harris is setting up the Premier’s Advisory Board on Organ Donation in order to increase organ donation awareness./ We wish all those Conservative member’s good luck in finding hearts.
Thirty-one years ago today Jacqueline Kennedy married Aristotle Onassis./ In those days it was considered one of the largest corporate mergers of the time; and as with all corporate take-over’s there was large debate about the screwing involved.
Monica Lewinsky has lost 30lbs. since July./ Obviously she’s more discriminating about what she’s sticking in her mouth.
October 22
Lawrence Barichello is the leader of an anti-circumcision lobby group called “Intact” and is organizing a class-action lawsuit on behalf of men who were circumcised as infants./ Defending his actions Barichello stated “We’ve got some bad publicity but allow me to reassure you we’re not an organization of whole pricks.”
New York restored the death penalty in 1995 and since then has placed five men on death row; estimated costs of all legal wrangling, guarding, court time and procedures have the tax-payer out $408-millionAmerican before the first execution./ Presumably that’s why they call it capital punishment.
An American senate inquiry will be looking at abusive practices by the funeral industry./ The funeral industry is expected to reply by burying the senate in paperwork.
An Associated Press poll found the majority of baseball fans supported Pete Rose’s reinstatement into baseball as well as his election into the Hall of Fame./ Asked for comment, Rose replied “I’m betting it does some good.”
At Cottonwood Ranch in Nevada, they’ve put away the yippee-ti-yi-yay way of moving cattle in favor of a talking softly, low voice approach, in the name of holistic procedures; finding a calmer cow gains weight faster, uses less grazing space and is environmentally more friendly./ I think this is terrific but nevertheless I’m nonplussed when greeted by a guy wearing a pink flannel shirt white chaps and calling himself a cattle lover.
Wild, drunken elephants rampaged and killed four in Assam province India./ The elephants started off eating salted peanuts which only fed their thirst and once drunk they were visibly upset to discover the source of ivory in the piano bar they frequented.
Fearing a wild volcano eruption from Tungurahua scientists from Ecuador’s Geophysical Institute recommended evacuation from nearby villages./ Indeed there’s perils when living in such “lava-ish” conditions.
A virus has turned up in Atlantic salmon./ It’s expected suppliers of lox stock will be over a barrel.
Exploiting the fact men are coming clean about penile problems may clinics are setting up and charging men substantial money for something, that if they wished, they could be treated for, for nothing if they went to their doctor./ Great! Should men feel down about this news or impotent with rage.
Mike Tyson returns to the boxing ring tomorrow night./ People are predicting this will show if he still has a taste for the fight game.
October 25
Researchers have discovered generally speaking men can’t identify when women are angry. There’s supposedly many reasons for this including evolutionary survival./ However for the men who wish to clue in please note; women physically can’t have PMS every day of the month so if you see that same expression twice or more a month, it probably means she’s angry.
Perhaps predicated by the success of Jesse Ventura, Donald Trump and Pat Buchanan have joined the ranks of the American Reform party./ Talk about confusion, I’m not sure if I watched their party convention or Jerry Springer.
Bowing to the Paris-based Financial Action Task Force, Ottawa will attempt to comply with standards to stop money laundering./ The first step has been taken with the banning of phosphate based detergents so if there’s laundering going on at least it’s environmentally friendly.
A new political party will be on the ballot in the next provincial Quebec election. The party will be left-wing, pro-union and environmentally concerned./ New Democrats are expected to watch the impact of these notions to see if there’s any call for a party orientated with such principles.
West Virginia is protesting an American federal court judge’s decision banning the dumping of the waste of strip mines into streams./ What; like the judge figures after you have black lung you care what water you drink?
American Secretary of State, Madeleine Albright expressed anger over Canada’s investment in Sudan; stating some countries have the mistaken view investment in dictatorial countries may help the people but in reality it just usually lines the pocket of the dictator./ Thankfully because of American involvement’s we know she knows what she’s talking about.
The residents of Vichy are wishing to rename their town to cleanse away their collaborationist past./ The leading name changes translate into English, as Nobody liked the Jews then anyway or We were just following orders
On this day in 1881, Pablo Picasso was born./ Of course he exited the womb with a blue eye and nostril on one side of the face and something totally different upon the opposite side.
A British male homosexual couple have been granted the right to be named the legal parents of surrogate twin babies./ I’ve no desire to comment on the morality of this however I do feel it will be hell on the one which decides to breast feed.
A recent survey of Canadian viewers found 80% made the news or current affair shows their first choice./ I guess when you have a prime minister that will choke slam protesters, his wife fending off intruders with soap-stone carvings, pepper-spraying inquiries and an American president prone to peccadilloes; you don’t need to watch wrestling, crime-drama, on going soap-operas, sex-filled action stories especially when these stories make you want to laugh as well.
October 26
The American Reform Party allows multiple ways for a person to vote for their party’s presidential candidate; Internet, phone, mail or in person. Party spokesperson Donna Donovan assures Personal Identification Numbers will prevent convicts, insane people and 12-year-olds from voting./ Besides they should be fully occupied going after the nomination themselves.
American cigarette companies in the interest of keeping their customer base are providing give-a-ways and junkets which may include gambling, concerts and various other activities which the participant gets to enjoy with their free smokes./ Perhaps the most distasteful one is “Keep coughin’ we’ll provide the coffin".