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June 27
1) Urologists in treating prostrate cancer differ significantly from their counterparts the radiation specialists. The former group overwhelmingly advocating surgery and the later group more inclined to go the route of radiation treatments./ Though experts may disagree one thing is certain, men will have to be prepared to deal with asshole issues.
2)The third secret of Fatima was revealed. It had to deal with the assassination attempt on the Pope. The first secret was regarding the World Wars, the second the rise and fall of Communism/ and the fourth secret, never discussed or revealed previously "nuns do it best out of habit."
3)In Arkansas a developer (by refusing to sell his property) may be holding up the proposed location of the future Clinton Presidential Library./ This would be a real shame because I believe Clinton's legacy will be that he was the "literary President" as he got so many people reading at least the Starr report.
4)A somewhat shocking reversal has the government willing to trade agriculture produce with Cuba./ The holdouts were convinced to support the bill when Elian Gonzalez was named food inspector.
5)The American army has changed advertising agencies as their recruitment drives have fallen short of target in a bouyant economy./ "Be all you can be" is probably what people are doing thereby turning their backs on the army the new slogan is expected to be something like "Secure a pension in twenty years and you have plenty of time for another job."
6)A collection of manuscripts, poems, letters and first editions of Hans Christian Andersons works were purchased by his museum from a private collector./ Kind of like a fairy tale ending. No no a fairy tale ending isn't how the men's figure skaters turn out.
7)At a conception conference experts agreed fertility treatments are overdone given more time pregnancy would occur naturally./ I always thought half the joy of pregnancy was getting the woman in that state; so put me down for trying and trying over again.
8)Profits have fallen in the Worldwide Wrestling Federation./ Great! is this choregraphed or incidental?
9)Syria has set July 10 as the election day for Bashar Assad./ He isn't running unopposed apparently also on the ballot "I'd rather take a bullet to the head."
10)Surprising his cousin Paul McCartney showed up as her chauffer for her wedding./ I don't know it could be a career move he hasn't had a hit for quite some while.
June 28
1) Finally Elian Gonzalez international custody battle is over with the courts approving his return to Cuba./ There was one major stipulation; that he be returned next year, to participate in next years taping of "Survivor".
2) In Vermont, gay couples may legally unite effectively this Saturday./ Thanks to the old Bob Newhart show we were conditioned already for the headline Dick's Inn in Vermont.
3) One out of two Britons think Prince William should be their next king./ Doing surprisingly well; Boy George against Elton John for next queen.
4) The new edition of the Random House Webster's New College Dictionary has new definitions "Gaydar" -a homosexual's ability to spot another; / Crying Game being the old definition of a hetrosexual's inability to spot a homosexual.
5) Apparently, Alaska leads the nation in arrests regarding marijuana./ Depending on the time of the year the harshness of an overnight jailing flucuates.
6)In Huntingdon Valley, Pennsylvania, a man got stuck after climbing into a portable toilet looking for his dropped keys.Doctors consequently had to treat him for cuts and bruises/ and besides looking flushed for the next few days he'll be fine.
7) A couple were awaken to find a deer had broken through their front door, entered their bathroom, turned on the water in the tub and knocked bubble bath in./ Authorities aren't saying but suspicion links this to the celebritydom of Bullwinkle.
8) In Missouri they have an Adopt-A-Highway program. The KKK responded by doing so; consequently, having a stretch of highway indicating that. A driver incensed by seeing this sign daily sawed the sign down. He was fined $100. for his efforts./ What he should have done is don a sheet put a vertical attachment on the sign and burnt the sucker down.
9)In Waterford Township, Michigan, at their airport, a microphone picked up someone greeting their copilot saying "Hi Jack" the plane was ordered to return where it was greeted by a SWAT team, FBI and federal authorities until the situation was clarified./ The microphone caused problems later in the day when a woman greeting her husband -senior and her son-junior brought the vice-squad in with the greeting "Hey Johns."
10) Home Depot is suing a strip club called Adult Depot claiming the club infringed on its trademark by degrading and diluting it./ I'm uncertain of the concern, afterall, aren't both interested in helping getting something erected.
June 29
1) Elian Gonzalez arrived home yesterday./ Now his Cuban relatives are trying to spoil him with their luxuries; sugar cane, cigars and a lock of hair from Fidel's beard.
2) According to the Red Cross preventable diseases are a bigger killer then wars and natural disasters./ Apparently in this category getting honourable mention Texas death row.
3) U.S. Secretary of State, Madeleine Albright, sleep-starved after a gruelling world tour, thanked God for cosmetics to hide her exhaustion./ Well, the American people had a right to know how she leads in the "babe department" over Attorney General, Janet Reno.
4) Singapore has hiked its' civil servants salaries./ It seems the revenue from those "$10,000. spitting on the sidewalk fines" were higher than anticipated.
5) The U.S. Supreme Court says Boy Scouts can bar gays./ Apparently there was some fear on how homosexuals would teach their troops "Be prepared to do your duty."
6) Philippines investigators have finally filed charges against Onel de Guzman alleged creater of the "Love Bug"./ Meanwhile Gavin McCleod and Bernie Koppel of the "Love Boat are seeking any possible publicity they can get.
7) The Democratic National Convention (DNC) is running advertisements featuring Al Gore, focusing on prescription drugs, the patients bill of rights and fatherhood. George Bush is countering with ads listing nonprescription drugs he's never taken, his right to remain silent about youthful indiscretions and the fact his daddy was president.
8) Victoria Bianco a toplesss dancer is launching a law suit against Mike Tyson claiming he punched and knocked her across the floor in a Las Vegas club. On Saturday night Tyson took care of oppenent Lou Savarese in 38 seconds./ Lennox Lewis must be plenty scared it looks like the original Tyson is back.
9) In Euro soccer action France advanced to the finals for the title of European Champion./ In America the reaction was European Champion; who gives a rat's ass?
10) Chuck Quackenbush, California Insurance Commissioner has resigned his position under the stain of corruption./ I know he'll be sadly missed by people who just liked saying Quackenbush or Chuck Quackenbush before Quakenbush Chucks you.
June 30
1) North and South Korea have signed a deal to reunite aging family members separated by the Korean War./ Unfortunately because of severe austerity North Korea's method of reuniting these people is with a bullet.
2) Chinese Premier Zhu is visiting Germany and commented "In leaving behind our socialist system and national pecularities, China is willing and ready to learn from German experiences in the field of law-making and administration of justice on the way to developing a society fully based upon the rule of law./ He then asked for a copy of the Nurmemberg Laws.
3) Pope John Paul 11 appealed for a gesture of clemency" for all prisoners in the world, and urged better conditions for those who are kept behind bars./ Maybe he's truly a great man being so sensitive to prisoner's needs ; when he himself supposedly isn't allowed even any conjugal visits.
4) None of the Royal Family showed up to an opening of a memorial playground and trail based upon a Peter Pan theme and dedicated to the memory of Princess Diana./ Hmn if anywhere you'd think Royals would feel most comfortable in Never Never Land.
5) An American pilot thought he stumbled upon a striking series of cave drawings dating back 7000 years before Christ./ Scientists subsequently finding areosol paint cans and the artwork looking to much like pictures of Madonna seem to be believe its less than 20 years old.
6) Critics of the Boy Scouts of America suggest the movement has squandered its reputation for tolerance by banning gays./ Look, if Scouts aren't tolerant of some behavior what are they learning to tie all those knots for?
7) Japan is facing a shrinking workforce as its' low birth rate is causing a forecast of their population declining from the present 126million to 105million by 2030./ Seems the Japanese are highly productive just not highly reproductive.
8) In Britain their National Health Service has admitted it's deplorable that there's a six month wait between diagnosising cancer and starting its' treatments./ In order to shorten the delay healthcare workers are being advised don't make the diagnosis so fast.
9) Gay couples will have their union officially sanctioned starting this weekend in Vermont.? I've no problem with them being given this right as long as it wasn't done under mounting pressure.
10) Helmut Kohl speaking out against bribery charges stated "Never in my entire life has anyone been able to buy me." Unfortunately for Herr Kohl the question is "Were they able to rent you?
July 10
1) I fell asleep early Saturday afternoon and when I woke one neighbour's cat was killing a bird, another neighbour was working on the lawn and kids were on the street tossing Frisbee./ It wasn't till I reached for the converter that I realized I wasn't watching one of CBS's voyeur shows.
2) NewYork Mayor Rudolph Guiliami motorcade was involved in a car accident this weekend./ Between prostate cancer and divorcing his wife he seems to be having a lot of trouble regarding being rear-ended.
3)The Church of England has decided to allow women Bishops./ The Roman Catholic Church is filling its positions in the traditiomal way. Nespotism.
Israeli Prime Minister, Barak on the eve of summit talks barely escaped a vote of nonconfidence./ It's believed if all else fails Barak has a good chance of being elected Prime Minister Of Palestine.
4)An usher, that worked for La Scala in Milan has been accused of accepting over $4million in brbes for getting people seats./ Personally I'm not a great fan of Opera so perhaps I'm biased when I think he could have made a lot more not finding seats.
5)Christians are being urged to boycott Vermont since it allows the civil union of homosexuals./ Seems all the sap in Vermont isn't from their Maple trees.
6) A recent survey of British children have found they eat 17.6 kilograms of chocolate, 6.4 kilograms of savoury snacks and 6.3 kilograms of chilled deserts in a year./ In their defense, let me say this for the children; it probably beats eating English food.
7)An annual gathering of Alzheimer's experts is coming together with promising news there may be a vaccine to counteract the disease./ An annual gathering of Alzheimer's experts is coming together with promising news there may be a vaccine to counteract the disease. An annual gathering.....
8)The pope gave communion yesterday at a Roman jail where he called upon world governments to cut jail terms. Later he criticized a gay pride rally as offensive./ Unfortunately we're not clear if he's advocating locking all those gay men up together.
9)English courts will be allowed to sell mementoes to tourists./ If I was in charge where most of the vice cases are heard I'd be preparing myself for an avalanche.
10)Researchers in Port Angles, Washington, think they have found proof of Bigfoot after finding footprints 17inches long and 7inches wide.? No word where Shaq is spending his summer vacation.
July11
1)A Russsian rocket emblazoned with the name Pizza Hut launches tomorrow for space./ Apparently the Russians think this is how they still have a pizza of the space program.
2)The Syrian Interior Minister announced Bashar Assad has been elected Syrian President with 97.29% of the vote./ Strangely, there's a forecast that Syria's population is expected to decline by 2.71%.
3)Chehen civillians were fleeing large Chechen cities in buses fearing another explosion of fighting between Russians and rebels./ Gee, who even figured they even had bus transportation.
4)A British doctor has been jailed for eight years after abusing his male patients./ The first clue the patients had was no matter what the problem the doctor greeted them with "Now bend over and cough."
5)John Morgan, Britain's leading expert on manners took a tumble 3 floors and died./ The SOB didn't even have the courtesy to say good bye.
6)Los Alamos is in danger of flooding./ It's believed security has misplaced the disc on the proper donning of raincoats and rubber booties.
7)Queen Elizabeth 11 who once was the world's richest woman has dropped to 19th place./ The fact is she's not even the worlds richest Queen that title goes to Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands also there's Elton John to consider.
8)A South African judge who's HIV infected has criticized his President for not doing enough./ All I know this sure puts the term domestic or foreign aid in a different context.
9)A British racing pigeon alit on the QE2 and took it to America during the recent tall ships display./ You know the pigeon wishes to end it's racing career as it even took the subway to go downtown.
10)Fredicks of Hollywood has filed for Chapter 11./ You'd think an institution which has provided so many with support would have the support of so many.
July 12
1)In last nights all star baseball game it was ..../ wait if you cared wouldn't you know by now.
2)Today is fitness guru Richard Simmons birthday./ Nonsubstaniated rumours state his parents has three children one of each sex.
3)Due to increasing obesity problems more Americans are having difficulty "buckling up"./ The good news is they act as their own air bag.
4)British boarding schools once a bastion of bizarre initiation ceremonies, spartan food and doorless lavatories will be changed by a boarder's bill of rights./ No word on the impact to the English porn industry.
5)The American government has approved the selling of 16 used FA-16 fighter jets to Thailand./ The bad news is we have to take 16 Sopwith Camels in trade.
6)Britain's royal nanny of Prince Harry pulled out of a gas station claiming because she thought the prince's bodyguards had done so she had accidently not paid for the gas./ Accidently? Have you seen the price of gas over there?
7)The Swedes have found that their immigrant population, mostly of people from Kurdish parts of the Middle East and East and South Africa usually stand out./ Since Swedes traditionally are blonde-haired and blue-eyed I think "well duh."
8)An explosion caused by a leaking propane tank levelled a house in Saverna Park, Maryland; commenting on the situation a neighbor stated "the house is flattened, it's gone, there's nothing left."/ She then went on to add "It's not pining, sleeping or resting, the house is no more, its' deceased.
9)In England a decomposing body of a man who overdosed on heroin was neglected four days as he had locked himself in a train lavatory./ You know the British, they hate be rude or intrusive.
10)George Bush has scored highest in recieving contributions from athletes./ Great! Grown men playing adult versions of kid's games should influence most Americans.
July 13
1)Lawyer and author Warren Kinsella states "anti-abortion extremists are tied to hate groups./ It's believed Kinsella next insightful book will link poppy fields with opium trafficing.
2)A Canadian team is driving a solar powered car across Canada to show its effiency./ Two perdictions; it won't sell well in Alaska during the winter and it won't sell well in Seattle anytime of year.
3Philadelphia police are being investigated for the severe beatings and shooting of a suspect remininscent of L.A.'s Rodney King affair./ Nobody even told me the Police summer games competitions had started.
4)Drew Barrymore and Tom Green have announced their engagement./ I guess Drew hasn't kicked the drugs afterall.
5)A poll commissioned by Britain's Mojo Magazine rates the Beatles "In My Life" as the greatest song ever recorded followed by the Rolling Stones, "Satisfaction" and from The Wizard of Oz "Over the Rainbow" at number three./ Kind of puts those Brahms. Beethoven, Bach et al. guys in their place.
6)Budget monitors are asking why in such good economic times the Guiliani administration is projecting a $2.64billion budget deficit for fiscal 2002./ How much can a divorce and surgery for prostate cancer cost?
7)A satanist has pled guilty to the burning of 28 churches throughout the States./ Of course it's one of those "The Devil made me do it" type defenses.
8)George Bush praised Al Gore today calling him a knowledgeable and forceful debater./ Bush may not know much but he at least does know the American public would more likely elect Beavis and Butthead over Stephen Hawkings.
9)Former Olympian sprinter Ben Johnson was robbed and than out ran by Gypsies over in Italy./ To his credit this time Johnson finally tested negative in the useage of steroids.
10)"Long live Palestine, let Israel die." is a chant Palestinian children are learning at a two month summer camp geared for if peace negotiations fail./ Ah yes the friends, the life experiences, the rituals and songs of summer camp.
August 14
The Democrat party opens their convention today in L.A./ Their first plank seems to be elect a Jew. I'm not sure if the priority is Lieberman or Hilary.
This weekend August 13 1907 was the first taxi to go in service in New York City./ He set precedent for which all the future taxi drivers are measured; insuring the distance between all downtowns and their airports a minimal 60 miles.
Fifty-five years ago today, August 14 Japan surrendered unconditionally to the Allied Forces./ Or as the Japanese remember it smartened up and went into the export business.
In Great Britain there's a move being pushed to jail paedophiles for life./ In nonrelated concert news, Michael Jackson announced the British Isles wouldn't be included on any worldwide tours.
Richard Cheney is being accused of impropriety over his acceptance of a $20million severance package from his former employer./ You got to wonder if things would be different if he worked for a refined rather than a crude oil company.
The Reform Party is being torn asunder as both Pat Buchanan and John Hagilin claim leadership./ You have to wonder does this not hurt their chances of being elected.
Japan is being accused of bribery and extortion in gaining third world countries support in protecting their whaling industry./ Of course Japan has accused it's attackers of superflourous blubbering.
Dagmara Stanek, a middle-aged Polish woman beat out 300 rivals to win for the second year in a row an international screaming competion; she sustained a sream of 126.1 decibels./ I didn't even know Yoko Ono was passing herself as a Polish woman named Dagmara Stanek.
A woman escaped the charges of drunken driving after she revealed she didn't realize the Christmas cake she ate had been alcohol soaked./ Finally you can convince your Uncle (the family souse) to rid you of your Christmas cake.
An 8-year-old girl, Midis Sanchez, in Valleio, California escaped her kidnapper when he left the car he had shackled her into with the keys for everything on the front seat./ While I'm very happy for the girl and her family what does this say of our present criminals.
August 15
Bill Clinton opened yesterday's Democratic Convention with what many proponents claim his best speech ever.? Has anyone told him there are no third terms.
The Dem,ocratic Convention is continuing in L.A./ In honour of the morality Lieberman and Gore bring to politics the city's hookers are guaranteeing to put their clientle in an upright position.
Thirty-one years ago today was the beginning of Woodstock./ Amazingly everyone between the ages of 45 and 60 was there except the people currently running for office somewhere.
In the Mideast they're hoping to revive the stalled Peace Talks,/ Apparently both Arafat and Barak fear a religous Jewish fanatic in the White House.
Researchers have found little pinpricks in your ear may cure your addiction to cocaine./ Previous researchers have found little pricks in BMW's that shout in your ear may be addicted to cocaine.
North and South Korean families have reunited today after some cases absences of over
fifty years./ Proving Communist, Capitalism didn't matter most wifes inquired "When you left you couldn't have left the toilet seat down?"
In Saudi Arabia a man had his eye surgically removed for disfiguring another man's face; all in the name of "an eye for an eye." Amazingly the man agreed with the righteousness of the sentence. I bet he was just glad he hadn't "Bobbitized" his victim.
A driver found out unbeknown to himself he had picked up a hitchhiker as he found a cat had journeyed sixty miles with him lodged between the road wheel and radiator./ The driver freely admitted he was suspicous something was up because he never heard his truck purr like that.
Patricia Cornwell may well become the world's richest authoress earning a deal worth $100million for her novels of forensics expert Kay Scarppetta./ You figure novels on forensics should put one on the cutting edge.
Twelve beaches closed in Spain after bathers emerged covered with a sticky, tar-like substance./ The bathers, thought, being Spanish it was just water's natural reaction to mixing with the oils in their bodies but apparently there had been an actual oil spill.
August 16
The Democratic Convention continued last night with Senator Ted Kennedy as the keynote speaker./ Critics who doubted the strenghth of the Democratic platform conceded they noticed no buckling.
During yesterday afternoon Vice-Presidential nominee Joseph Lieberman clarified certain facts with the black caucas; stating he wished to amend not end affirmative action./ He's also willing to move some blacks to Connecticut on a trial basis.
On this date back in 1829 the famous Chinese Siamese twins Chang and Eng Bunker visited the United States for the first time./ Apparently they had a donation they wished to make to the Democratic Party.
The Pope braved sweltering heat and held two masses to welcome young people to the Roman Catholic Youth Festival. The Pontiff claimed he gained his strength from the young people/ He also claimed he liked how the sweltering heat made the youth's clothing cling to their tight little bodies.
Today is Madonna's and Frank and Kathie Lee Gifford's birthdays./ Just imagine if they were triplets; wow you all have the same reaction "the horror" surprisingly only Kathie Lee said "Hmn."
Researchers at John Hopkins announced caffeine in soft drinks is to addict customers rather than enhance flavour./ To be fair advertisers have taken the high road claiming "Coke is it." and "The Taste" of a younger generation.
At a symposium of the American Psychological Association they announced you can damage your health by always looking on the bright side./ Great they just gave the kid that serves me my burger permission to have attitude.
Rory Timmers of Oakville, Manitoba, Canada has the world's largest ever garlic chain at 213metres./ Not only has it insured he's not approached by werewolves, he's not approached by anybody.
Researchers at the Scottish laboratory that cloned "Dolly" said they'll cease using pig organs for transplants in human bodies of fears of unknown diseases that could jump the spieces barrier./ Apparently recieving a pig's heart make's one wish to donate to a political slush fund.
CBS announced the last episode of Survivor airs next Tuesday./ Silly me I thought it was the second Tuesday in November that was the election.
August 17
Vice-Presidential nominee, Joseph Lieberman addressed the Democratic National convention yesterday night./ Apparently he's promising everyone they'll Hava Nagilah.
Tiger Woods had five birdies in six holes at the U.S. P.G.A. Championship today./ He's got more birdies than an aviary.
A Kansas couple named their newborn IUMA for short after the website; Internet Underground Music Archive./ Good thing they didn't go with the father's favourite site TACKY; Teen-Aged Chicks Knowing You.
In Germany in an attempt to stop teen-aged mothers from abandoning their new babies they've developed a "baby bank" where the child can be dropped off with anoymity and adopted with no messy regulations./ In nonrelated news Paulie Shore's mother, Mitzi has asked him to join her on a whirlwind trip to Germany.
Saying Islam unreservedly forbids women to work, Afghanistan's Taliban government shut down bakeries where widows (usually the poorest of the poor) work. In confusion the subculture we affectionately call JAPS (Jewish American Princesses) applied for refugee status over there in an attempt to make use of the no work rule.
Prince William was accepted into Saint Andrews University, Scotland, after receiving an A in Geography a B in History of Art and a C in Biology. Meanwhile a female student with five straight A's was rejected at Oxford./ Seeing that you wonder did George Bush have princely charm or is William oily?
Vincent Bethell is a nudity advocate and was arrested for baring all on Exhibition Road, again he was arrested on "the tube" and again on Horseferry Road../ The police believe they've have figured out his orientation and will be watching for him on Comeover Bigboy Drive.
Independent Councel Robert Ray has empaneled a new grand jury to hear evidence against President Clinton in the Monica Lewinsky scandal./ What could possibly be new? She blew, he wasn't totally true; the case was through.
The Phillipines is claiming bad weather is delaying the release of sixteen hostages that Libyia had a strong hand in getting released./ Some suspect it's the condition of the release; the hostages have to meet Gadaffi and none want that.
The Republicans started the policy of inclusion by having Cheney as a Senior, the Democrats responded with a Jew, Lieberman and the Reform stretched found a black woman, poor Ralph Nader he's Looking for a Spanish Indian Transexual.
August 18
Speaking at the Democratic National Convention last night Al Gore stated "For all our good times, I am not satisfied./ Is this his veiled way of saying he's going to get some intern this time?
The Democratic National Convention is over. Of course Joseph Lieberman had to get ready for the Jewish Shabbat.
The Democratic National convention is over. I'm not saying Barbara Streisand is getting senile but she was seen wandering around asking people "am I here for an Oscar or a Grammy?
NBC has yanked a four hour series on the Kennedy woman after receiving a complaint from Senator Edward Kennedy./ He felt four hours was barely enough time to capture all the women brother Jack had let alone Robert's and his; even with the cross over.
Dick Chenney is wrestling with his conscience regarding accepting his severance package as it would only kick in if and he was elected./ All I know is Dick Chenney's heart has attacked him at least three times and each time the winner was Dick Chenney
Genghis Khan died this day back in 1227./ For those of you who don't know, Khan is the one Buchanan accuses of starting the Liberal movement.
George Bush has agreed to three debates./ We're not 100% sure if he knows what it means; 3D bates (something Al Gore wouldn't qualify for) 3 de baits, fishing line and tackle or 3 debates.
There seems to be a proliferation of a gun culture amongst the Palestinians and many of them live in fear of their brethren packing weapons./ The good news is they have no trouble adjusting to life in the USA.
An investor has received permission to open a Disco where a tannery had been that a lot of Auschwitz inmates worked at and died./ Hasn't the site witnessed enough horrors?
A volcano erupted on a Japanese Island south of Tokyo sending steam, smoke and ash into the air./ The air quality was just like LA at rush hour minus the traffic.
November 27
1)Today is election day and one Alliance supporter doing his leader no good claimed if Chretein is elected it will be a minority's government for sure,
2)There's a good chance if the Liberals are elected today Chretein will resign to be replaced by Martin. Then the difference between will be, will be, will be.... I'm sure they'll think of something by next election.
3)South of the border it looks like George Bush has won Florida's count. Republicans says Bush is prepared to apologize to Manuel Hancount if thinks he's been disparaged.
4)Yesterday Montreal failed to send the Grey Cup into overtime with a two point coversion. Knowing only minimal about football and religion for a major conversion like that don't you use a Hsil Msry
5)In Britain they've kept weather reecords for 300 years and this fall they're breaking the record set it 1852 for most rain. At last a place where Vancouverites can go and feel to home.
6)Art experts are argueing whether that a nude version of the Mona Lisa was done by DaVinci or one of his students. All that's known for sure is the nude's smile is even more egnimatic
7)American magician David Blaine will spend 58 hours in a block of ice Last time anybody experienced such a cold situation was when a poor person asked Mike Harris for help.
8)Robert Downey Jr. was arrested again on drug charges. I don't think he's getting the message as he's asked for Ally McBeal to be his lawyer.
9)Today is the start of Ramadan for the Muslims. They fast during the daylight hours eating their meals in the evening. Of course you can tell the one's that aren't so religous they celebrate with a pilgrimage to the Arctic Circle.
10)Billionaires Warren Buffet and Bill Gates will be competing in a bridge tournament this weekend in Omaha Nebraska. Who says the rich don't know how to getaway and have a crazy time.
November 28
1)The liberals won a huge majority in yesterday's election; however, Alliance supporters are calling for a recount citing voter confusion about a new party to the right Alliance and a party newly to the right Liberal.
2)Costco is recalling a million highchairs which may suddenly slip sending the infant plummeting to the floor. Good news for Costco from George Bush and Mike Harris offering to take their chairs to punish juvenile offenders.
3)European governments are scrambling to contain the widening mad cow disease scare. It's being described as an "udder horror".
4)Ugandan officials have reported another case of Ebola. It's believed the people are getting nostalgic for cannabalism when you at least knew who was eating you.
5)A United States high court is to decide on the medical use of marijuana. How appropiate that it's a high court.
6)Czechoslovakian president Vaclav Havel is ill with a viral infection therefore his official program has been cancelled. I guess that's what they call being check mated.
7)George Bush is demanding to be treated as the president-elect despite the challenges from Al Gore. It's believed only a call from Jean Dixon reminding Al Gore how many American presidents elected in a year ending with a zero and divisble by four have either died or been shot in office. Meanwhile Joseph Lieberman is glad he held onto his other job.
8)Britain's MI5 have given law enforcement officers the name of ten suspected spies who could be found guilty of passing intelligence reports and military secrets to East Germany. I suppose nobody thought to report to MI5 there's effectively no longer an East Germany.
9)Howard Rodd survived a fifteen hour ordeal in shark-infested waters after his boat capsized. The news wasn't all good for him however after his fiance left him harumping "man-eating sharks didn't have him."
10)On this day in 1889 Cutis P. Brady recieved the first permit issued by the Commissioner of Parks in New York to drive an automobile through Central Park. While stopped to fix a flat he subsequently became the first motorist to be mugged in Central Park.
November 29
1)Comments on the election have it that Cretein says "some of the people thought it was going to be a close race or that we would lose seats but I like to fool the people." Yes Prime Minister so many know it; but were in self-denial.
2)In Canada you have to know the person probably second happiest with the election results must be Preston Manning; meanwhile Paul Martin is trying to figure out how to arrange a recount.
3)It's believed Al Gore may try offering some Olive branch to George Bush in return for something. As a prelude Gore supporters are jumping out at Cheney and shouting "Boo!"
4)In financial news Indigo has been rejected by Chapters in a hostile bid take over. The odds it might still happen; check with your bookmaker.
5)It's official Lindros wants to play for the Leafs. While ther may be some complications with the Flyers, generally what Bonnie wants; Bonnie gets.
6)Holland has voted to allow euthanasia under certain circumstances. Those pleased with the bill have labelled their opponents die hards.
7)The Bank of Montreal reported profits of $1.86billion for it's fiscal year; claiming improved operating efficiency improved the bottom line. Who knew there was a more efficient way to hold on to your pens other then chains?
8)Los Angles city council has voted to cut ties with the Boy Scouts of America stating the groups exclusion of homosexuals makes it a discrimitory group. The immediate impact is expected to be no one knowing how to tie a knot or help a little old lady cross the street.
9)Between December 3-7 Montreal will be hosting the arrivals of the Societe d'Entomologie du Quebec, the Entomological Society of Canada and the Entomological Society of America. You have to know some other Canadian city is bugged they didn't get them
10)On a personal note; the outgoing president of the States knows how to swing his club, if you know what I mean; the incoming president looks like he's coming from another party after a close contest, there's trouble in the Mid-East and the Beatles have an album on the charts. Did I just walk back into the 60"s.
November 30
1)The Indian children in Labrador and elsewhere are dying from inhaling gas fumes in a bag. Already you see the difference between the Liberals and the Alliance. The Liberals will spend millions of taxpayers money studying poor Indian children why are they suicidal; whereas the Alliance they'd have the direct approach poor Indian children how do they afford the gas.
2)The Ontario Harris government will randomly drug-test people on welfare in a your guilty to proven innoncent measure. Evidently you don't want those on Welfare making their important decisions clouded by drug abuse.
3)Israeli Ehud Barak's government is ready to collapse. Al Gore is thinking "Hmn, Hillary convinced all those New Yorkers she was Jewish", Joe Lieberman is thinking "go over there with all those Jews what am I that meshugge".
4)Pope John Paul 11 has been made an honourary member of the Harlem Globetrotters. They lose one game recently and go for a guy with contacts.
5)It's official Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura will be working as a commentator for the XFL. I guess heavy are the chains of office.
6)Donald Brashear victim in the Marty McSorley assualt case; has himself, been charged with assault after an incident in his Vancouver townhouse. Thank God for Canada where hockey sticks don't assault people, people assault people.
7)Researchers have found the butterfly ballot like the one used in Florida can lead to confusion. George Bush is going around saying "because of the butterfly ballot I can sting like a bee for it just won me the presidency.
8)The Ontario Harris government is out to hire 12000 new nurses but claims poaching by other governments is making it difficult. Could be that or maybe nurses don't like the hokey pokey where you lay 1000's of nurses off then you hire them back again for maybe that's what's it all about.
9)The European Union is continuing to battle the "mad cow crisis". Meanwhile an Indian spokesperson from New Delhi said "Holy cow who looks like the stupid bastards now."
10)Today is the birthdate of social satirist Jonathan Swift 1667, one time editor of Punch, Marc Leman 1809 and Samuel Clemens aka Mark Twain 1835; so if you'd like to write for our show you may wish to hilight November 30th if it's your birthday. Then again none of these guys have written anything funny in about 100 years, but once again, then again, they still beat out Adam Sandler.
December 1
1)Toronto Mayor, Mel Lastman, has had a maternity suit filed against him, in a case that originates over forty years ago. It seems even at a young age Mel was inspired to becoming a city father.
2)Both the Bush and Gore camps feel the delay in deciding the presidency is hurtful to the economy. I don't know; it seems to have spurred it's own little cottage industry.
3)The FBI has placed a $1million reward for the capture of James Bulger; making him the seventh prisoner with that price tag. American networks are scrambling how to combine Who wants to be a millionaire with Cops to trade on the fact.
4)Seattle is bracing itself as thousands are expected to rally against the WTO at the anniversary of last year's event. Showing solidarity, with the WTO Prime Minister is offering to pepper-spray the next 99 visitors to the House of Commons.
5)Britain has lowered the age of consential homosexual sex to match the same as heterosexual sex. Apparently there had been outcry amongst the younger people "Damn we can be screwed but we can't be buggered." Perhaps ironically it took "the queen's" assent to make it law.
6)Hundreds of Korean family's, seperated since the war in 1952; became the second group since August to have family reunions. Most Koreans were overjoyed; finally, after 48 years of circulating, a place to trade that old Christmas cake.
7)The PEI government, has been accused of buying votes, with jobs, by the opposition. Must be the opposition thinks it's against Naritime law to provide jobs. The opposition should be steadfast as it consists of only one member
8)Lucien Bouchard is no longer going to the Mexican's presidential inauguration; claiming Chretein interefered and had him moved to the cheap seats. Bouchard added;"Quebec cannot be treated like that. We are a people. We are a nation." Sorry M. Bouchard you've lost a vote on that issue three times.
9)The American FAA said it was okay for a woman to fly with her 300lb pig; this despite the pig got loose and discharged feces whereever it went. U.S. Airways, which provided the flight in the first place, said they'd evaluate the situation before letting a pig fly with them again. Rush Limbaugh use this information however you think appropiate.
10)The world's first drive in gas station opened on this date in Pittsburgh, Pa. back in 1913. Can you imagine the difficulty the man must have encountered "You mean just drive in there for gasoline?"
December 4
1)Today's New York Times reports Kallan Gonzales spends his day at an office equipped with computer, desk and telephone; despite that Kallan never reads a memo or makes a phone call. Instead he stretches out, staring at a screen saver; grinning, drooling, whimpering, burping and napping a few hours each day. This is kind of what we picture George Bush as President is. However Kallan is part of the plan encouraged by his parent's employee to bring your baby to work.
2)A man came out of a coma, after nine years today, after asking he was informed George Bush is President today. The man remarked "Thank God he's healthy you wouldn't want someone as smart as Dan Quayle in office.
3)Californians are really cracking down on smoking; even outdoors. Trying to cash in on this I invested in a smokers only building; three times the fire department badly axed through the building because somebody reported smoke and the fourth time the building burned down.
4)In California to make it easier to get a driver's license they have changed the multiple choice on the driver's exam down to one in three, from one in four. They changed the reading level required down from a grade 8 level to grade 5 level. Despite all the changes the failure rate has jumped from 64% to 77% on first time testers. In fairness most plead mental fatigue after divining which line to stand in.
5)In Russia since the collapse of the Soviet Union there health care has rapidly detoriated; 10% of all beds are pre 1914 and 20% of hospitals have no running water. All in all it's a very precarious place to be sick. Vouching for this story's truth was my taxi driver, a Russian doctor.
6)The Duchess of York, Sarah Ferguson, is being criticized after encouraging her daughters to count calories. If her daughter's intake is anything like hers, Florida ballot counters should be forever busy; working as the girl's aids.
7)The Koh I Noor is a 108 carat diamond which sits atop Britain's Queen mother's crown. Indian members of parlaiment are declaring it an Indian relic and are demanding it's return to India. Perhaps this will be a test of Prince Charles mettle; can he protect the family jewels.
8)Indicating it has buried feelings of national humiliation over it's domination by foreign powers China is restoring relics such as the British consul-general's residence of 1842. In the spirit of the Chinese restoring British relics, actress Joan Collins will be vacationing there.
9)407 belongings of opera's great diva Maria Callas were auctioned Sunday. The items included her underwear. As to who would buy such an item; perhaps, a dominatrix who didn't view herself callous enough.
10)Miss World is Priyanka Chopra, marking the fourth time in seven years Miss World has come from India. Perhaps than with so many beauties coming from there, it's no wonder India has one of the highest birth levels.
December 5
1)On this date back in 1945, five Navy torpedo-bombers took off from Fort Lauderdale on a routine training mission. After losing radio contact, they disappeared leaving totally no trace behind in an area we call the Bermuda Triangle. Coincidently, off Florida, Al Gore's political career is expected to disappear with no trace.
2)The NRA Republicans are getting impatient and insensitive on behalf of George Bush. They claim "we have the right number of bullets er ballots".
3)Scientists claim they have found the oldest hominid in Kenya, dating back 6million years. DNA testing suggests it's an ever so slightly older member of Strom Thurmond's family.
4)Jockey, two-time Kentucky Derby Winner, Chris Antley has been found murdered. I believe the police should be saluted for they're not treating the murder of a jockey as a small matter.
5)The European Union combatting "mad Cow" disease, has ordered a six month ban on all animal products in fodder. This ban would make fodder as much as an animal product as a MacDonald's hamburger.
6)Oxford University is wishing to appoint President Clinton as its next Chancellor. Well why not? Clinton is known for his way with the young and he's certainly no stranger to a head position.
7)London's Oxford Street one of Britain's busiest shopping areas, may have a two lane pedestrian walkway. One will be for the fast walkers and fine those who are not. Certainly enough pedestrians are already familiar with hand signals.
8)In an effort to secure it's bid for the 2008 Olympics Beijing is upgrading their public toilets. I guess they're hoping visitors will be flush with excitement, or will at least flush with excitement.
9)Cappuccino drinkers in London are finding their beverage less frothy. The absence of bubbles is explained by the cattle moving from summer diet of grass to winter's silage. The cappuccino bar I frequent it's always extra frothy; of course their cattles diet is cabbage and beans.
10)Walt Disney was born on this day in 1901. As a tribute I see plenty of people mimicking and portraying one of his most beloved characters. They're going Goofy.
December 6
1)Bushes aides claim they've grown use to the waiting and uncertainity. How ironical; usually whoever, Bush places in a hot seat, faces certainity; several thousand volts and it' over.
2)Compton schools passed a test yesterday, inspectors checked textbooks, hallways and restrooms for misuse and mess. There was some disappointment when one of the school's had broken windows and animal feces. Generally speaking however, most of the schools showed little textbook misuse; or for that matter any use.
3)The L.A.P.D. which runs an Explorer program with the Boy Scouts of America, has stated, they may terminate their affiliation; if the Boy Scouts' anti-gay policy is not overturned. You have to wonder whether it was Scout's bravado or fear, when they replied; "will be buggered if we do."
4)A headline that scared me; "World's Oldest Man dies". I figured with Bush and Gore still before the courts; all we need is Strom Thurmond dead, to throw succession, even into more confusion. Alas it was the story of a 111-year-old Benjamin Harrison Holcomb,who passed.
5)A nine-year-old, Columbia, Tennesse boy, was charged with "delinquency through telephone harassment", after making 91 calls to 911 in one night. What's the matter with a kid like that; nowadays, we have 976 numbers to call.
6)A Hong Kong online newspaper has caused a fuss, when it showed a clip of sixteen minutes, which featured one of their journalist's naked with a prostitute. Lawmakers,are calling this another reason the Internet should be policed. Women, not seeing the clip but hearing the journalist lasted sixteen minutes with a prostitute were calling for the journalist's phone number.
7)A survey, found that men spend more time picking their bosses present, then they spend picking their own wife's present. It's only logical; they spend more time kissing their bosses asses as well.
8)The Japanese railways, trying to protect their women from being groped, at least during the holidays, will be offering women's only carriages. Should they be warned; both Ellen DeGeneres and Rosie O'Donnell, are planning seperate train trips in Japan, for the holidays.
9)A Turkish couple wishing to have more boys, produced only four boys as part of their 25 children family. This is according to the wife's story, who claims, the husband use to say, at the start of sex; "Boy oh boy."
10)Speaking out, shock rocker, Marilyn Mason, said; For religious people to accuse entertainment of being damaging, they have to realize that Christ was the first celebrity and religion created entertainment. Get off it Marilyn, Adam was the first celebrity, and the snake, the first entertainment.
December 7
1)Hilliary Clinton appeared at Congress yesterday, for induction seminars, meetings, orientation tours and etc. Proving she's far more modest than Al Gore, she didn't go "The Hill?" "named for me."
2)A commemorative coin maker, tired of waiting for a winner to be declared, has minted a coin with Bush's and Gore's faces on opposite sides. Now, this sounds like an equally two-headed coin, whereas if Clinton was on it, we know though he chased tail; he was a "head" president.
3)President Fidel Castro, helped Cuba celebrate the seventh birthday of Elian Gonzalez, that's Elian Gonzalez, anyone here, remember hearing of Elian Gonzalez? Anyway, celebrations were elaborate; sugar cane for everybody and the community chipped in and bought him a baseball.
4)Research at the University of Louisville in Kentucky, has found that women copy, the preference of their peers. Simply put guys, the reason some men seem to have all the women; is they do. The catch apparently is just getting that first one.
5)Scotland has unfortunately seen a rise in the number of murders. I always believed it was the place where one could wind up kilted.
6)A study in England, has found that 2/3's of it's population that find themselves in clubs, take drugs. Apparently the other 1/3 wait until they're outside.
7)The scientists who cloned "Dolly", are planning to clone chickens in order for them to become living factories; producing human cancer drugs. Secondary star, of the Bugs Bunny Show, Foghorn Leghorn, learning of this has become despondent and placed on a suicide watch.
8)A Japanese study, has found those that drink moderately have a higher IQ than teetotallers. Another reason not to drink and drive, you're lowering the national IQ; unless of course, your victims are teetotallers. Hmn wait! George Bush doesn't drink.
9)Madonna is marrying on the 22nd of this month, in the Scottish Highlands. Guy Richie, a British film director, will be her husband. It's believed, if Richie wears traditional Scottish regalia and is asked the traditional question "what's worn under the kilt?" He'll respond; "Aye, tis all worn under the kilt."
10)Today, as we all know, is the day that will live in infamy. The Japanese attacked Pearl Harbour. I was thinking about it last night on my way home from the Sushi Bar, where I had been singing Karoake, because a few saki's loosen me up; anyway I'm driving the Toyota listening to my Sony CD player, secure in the knowledge Japan would never try such an invasion again.