COMING OUT IN THE NORTH-WEST

Identifying oneself as lesbian or gay and disclosing this to other people is often referred to as 'Coming Out'.  There are three main issues associated with coming out which schools need to be aware of:

·        'Coming out' is a necessary and ultimately positive experience for most young people who grow up lesbian or gay.  It can take place in the years between starting and leaving secondary school. In this period, coming to terms with confusion about identity can affect a young person's social relationships, school work and self-esteem both negatively and positively.

·        Many young lesbian and gay people experience critical times when they have to decide who to tell about their sexuality.  In making this disclosure they are often fearful of negative reactions, rejection and causing upset and distress to the person they are telling.  Sometimes a young person may try 'coming out' to a supportive teacher or a school friend as a precursor to talking to parents in order to rehearse their own part and to judge reactions.  Receiving a negative reaction can be very distressing.

·        Support and guarantees of safety are valuable to young people 'coming out'.  The availability of secure and confidential groups or contacts can be instrumental in reducing anxiety which is only magnified by feelings of isolation.  The presence of role models in the shape of adults who 'come out' and those who offer non-judgmental support and help young people access these groups can be important.  Positive treatment by, and contact with, role models can also encourage them to feel confident about their future.

There are several theories about the elements of the 'coming out' process.  Each has its own emphasis but all of them regard 'coming out' as a series of stages.  These stages do not necessarily last the same length of time and there is no one age when the whole process begins and ends.  These stages can be described as follows:

Stage 1 - Sensitisation - First felt different in some way

G9 said  "I was probably always a loner anyway, afraid to let anyone ‘in’, so I was a bit of an oddity among my contemporaries anyway."

Andrew said "Only now do I realise the level of harassment, bullying and mental torture that I endured while at school.  I was never like all the other boys, always excluded from all the social activities that the majority enjoyed.  For years I pondered as to why this was. Why was I being treated differently and castigated by others to such a lonely life?"

In this stage a person generally begins to feel 'different' to other people of the same sex.  Sometimes they recognise that they are not very interested in people of the opposite sex but more often they feel they are not really interested in things which are supposed to be appropriate for their sex.  Most people report just feeling unusual when they compare themselves to other people of their sex.  Commonly this happens before or in early adolescence when friendships and relationships between the sexes begin to change.

Many gay people recognise that they were in some way different from their peers before they are aware that this is that they are sexually attracted to the same sex.  The graph below shows how many youngsters had begun to feel different at each age.  This difference, despite being  unrecognisable as being gay can make young people feel isolated at a very early age.

Roughly half the LGB men and women surveyed felt 'different' by the age of 11.

Stage 2 - Confusion about identity - the emergence of homosexuality

G28 said  "I tried not to think about it as I felt disgusted and repulsed if I dared think of fellow class-mates in a sexual way.  I shuddered at the thought of them discovering how I felt and thought so I never really thought of being a gay person at school due to the fact that I pretended to be 'straight' .  Therefore, being gay at school is a life of pretence, lies and denial.  Living in fear of being discovered due to the ensuing consequences."

There are usually four elements which contribute to confusion about identity:

·        Feeling that perceptions of the self are altering;

·        Feeling and experiencing heterosexual and homosexual sexual arousal;

·        Sensing the stigma surrounding homosexuality;

·        Lacking knowledge about homosexuality. 

Research indicates that most young gay men first decide they are probably gay between the ages of 12 and 17, and most young lesbian women first decide they are probably lesbian between the ages of 16 and 20. At this time they have to deal with feeling that they have changed as have their relationships with other people around them.  Some also have to combat the potentially powerful feelings of self-recrimination and disgust that come from describing themselves as homosexual.  There are various strategies for coping with this emotional upheaval.

Some young people who think they are lesbian or gay will try to deny it to themselves and even seek help to eradicate their feelings.  Others will try and avoid thoughts and feelings which remind them that they have homosexual inclinations.  In these situations young people can avoid getting any information about sexuality in order to avoid confirming their suspicions about their orientation.

Some young people have great difficulty in managing their relationships with peers and family.  They may avoid situations in which they may encounter opportunities for heterosexual pairing so that they are not forced to deal with their lack of sexual interest in members of the opposite sex or have it exposed.  They may, alternatively, persevere with heterosexual relationships to try and 'convert' themselves and/or conceal their homosexuality from others.  In some extreme cases young people may try to avoid confronting their feelings by expressing strong homophobia or turning to drink and drugs in order to find temporary relief from them.

Finally, some young people fall back on a strategy of redefining their feelings and behaviour in such a way as to convince themselves that it is not really homosexual.  For example, they may describe their experiences as a 'phase' or a 'one-off' or they may put them down to extreme emotional or physical circumstances such as the break-up of a relationship or drunkenness at a party. In this stage feelings are becoming more concrete.  Young people may well have partners of both sexes and may well find their moods and feelings shifting as they feel more or less certain about their identity.  This period often lasts throughout adolescence.

Respondents were asked at what age they started finding the same sex attractive.  For comparison, the age at which people who identified as heterosexual said they found the opposite sex attractive is included.  A similar pattern emerges for both groups.

Because there were so few heterosexual respondents the author asked a group of fourteen year-olds the same question and their results are added into the data.

The graph below shows the average age at which different proportions of the sample felt sexual attraction.  For those self-identifying as gay or bisexual attraction to the same sex was recorded  For those identifying as heterosexual it was attraction to the opposite sex that was recorded.

Gay and lesbian people seem to lag behind their heterosexual peers in developing their sexuality to some extent.  This could be because they are not encouraged in their sexuality by society in the same way as heterosexuals are encouraged.

It is important to note that 50% of gay and bisexual boys knew they were gay by 11¼ and of lesbian and bisexual girls by 12¼. 

By 13, 80% of lesbian and bisexual girls are aware that they are gay

By 15, 80% of gay and bisexual boys are aware that they are gay. 

Most children who later self-identify as gay/bisexual are well aware that they are gay by NI school year 11 (14/15)

Many are aware they are gay in NI school year 8 (11/12)! 

By sixth form practically all gay people know they are gay

Stage 3 - Assuming a lesbian or gay identity - telling someone else

L10 said "I never felt so bad about not finding men attractive in the true sense of the word and it helped me understand why I felt like I did for women so it was no longer un-natural."

G26 said "I was happy to like other boys and sensed that the one boy I fancied was gay as I could feel that he was interested in me by way of glances and once standing up for me when I was picked on."

Clearly, living with confusion about identity is emotionally exhausting and potentially destructive. For some young people this period is followed quite quickly by a stage in which they come to accept their lesbian or gay identity and are able to express it in a positive way.  For both young men and women growing up mixing with other young gay people - in social settings or through support groups - can help them feel able accept to who they are.  For some young people, particularly in larger towns and cities, lesbian and gay youth support groups provide a safe environment for 'coming out'.  Elsewhere local and national lesbian and gay telephone helplines provide a safe space and listening ear for young people who want support.

When someone realises they are gay they are usually worried about the way they are feeling.  There is a tendency to feel shame and embarrassment and many young gay people keep their feelings a secret.  This is a time when their peers are happily exploring their sexual feelings and very often boasting about them to their friends. 

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