CHAPTER THIRTY Everything was so clear less than two seconds ago. Or at least I thought it was. Fuck I hate this. When I finally calmed down enough to walk out of the men’s bathroom, everyone was watching me. Wondering what happened. What AJ had said to me. I sat down next to Leighanne and avoided everyone’s eyes, which didn’t go unnoticed by Leighanne who sighed and sat back in her chair. She knew after cheating on me how easily the guys all turned against her, well…Howie and Kevin did give her a chance and are friends with her, but that doesn’t stop Nick and AJ from hating her. I looked up to meet Leighanne’s sad eyes. She knew. She knew I wasn’t sure anymore. AJ had said something that hit home. Was I really confused? Or was it so clear and I simply pretended to be blinded by it? I clear my throat, my appetite suddenly gone, “You almost done Leigh?” She looked at me for a second, blinked and looked around at everyone who was staring at her, glaring at her most likely. She wasn’t wanted, but she knew somehow that nothing had changed between us. That I still wanted her. She nodded. I stood up, “see you guys,” I mumbled before I escorted Leighanne out of the stupid fucking diner. “Are you okay?” She asked me so gently. “No,” I replied truthfully, giving her a wry smile. She nodded and looked into the distance. Once we got to our bus, I let her step up first, helping her before getting on myself. “It’s funny how things can change in one second,” she smiled sadly. I nodded. “I love you,” “I know,” “I want to try again,” “I know,” “ So do you,” “I know,” “So what’s the problem?” She asked quietly, almost shyly. “Everything. Nothing. No…I don’t know!” I sighed in defeat. “Okay,” she said in clear confusion. “I’m not making any sense, I know. Just give me some time,” those words hit me right after they were out of my mouth. Nick. ‘Give me sometime.’ My heart began to hurt and I felt like I was going to hurl. I love Nick. I seriously do. I couldn’t deny it anymore. Fuck him. I went an entire 8 hours denying it. But that’s as far as it went. I love him. I looked up at her, she was simply beautiful and I felt my stomach knot. What was my problem? “Take as much time as you need,” she smiled, a genuine smile. She brushed the back of her hand across my face and I shivered, “I’ll always be here waiting.” I closed my eyes and felt empty when she walked to her bunk. What was wrong with me? Was it possible to love two people at the same time? No. One was lust, one was love. I just had to figure out which on was which. But a voice in the back of my head kept getting louder and louder as much and I tried to ignore it. ‘Nick’s gone. Nick doesn’t love you. Leighanne’s here. She loves you. Stay with her. Nick is wrong. Nick and you will never happen. It’s wrong. Leighanne and you will. Don’t you want children? Nick and you will never be able to have that. Ever. No family. Nothing. Stay with Leighanne and you can. Stay with her.’ A sob escaped my lips when I realized how true it was. How I could never have anything with Nick even if he did love me. It was so wrong. Even the bible said it was wrong. What was I thinking? I wiped my eyes and shook my head quickly trying to rid myself of thoughts of Nick. It would never happen. It should never happen. I stood up and walked over to her bed, I rested my chin on the bed, the curtains weren’t closed. I took that as a sign. “What are you listening to?” “An Angel,” she replied. I frowned, but she handed me her headphones. I placed them on my ears and listened. Music flooded my ears with a melody I was all too familiar with. [This is no ordinary love And I can never have enough Of all the things you’ve given to me You’re my heart, my soul, my everything Every night I thank you lord For giving me the strength to love her More and more each day I promise her as long as I hear those three words] I smiled and handed them back to her. It warmed my heart to think she still listened to the music. “It calms me, no matter what. I just listen to your voice, and I know everything’s going to be okay,” she smiled back at me. “You bought our CD,” I answered still shocked. She laughed, “of course Mr. Littrell, I never stopped listening to you.” “Me?” “Your voice,” she replied. I nodded and smiled. “I’m sorry about before, I guess…I just, needed to get a couple of things clear in my head, you know? Sort things out,” “You wanna talk about it?” “Not really,” I laughed and hoped she’d understand. She did. As usual. And smiled. She placed the earphones back on her ears, I could hear the rest of the song. [Yes I will Take your hand and walk with you Yes I will Say these three words that promise to Yes I will Give you everything you need and someday start a family with you…] CHAPTER THIRTY ONE “You can’t just sit back and let this happen,” AJ yelled in frustration. “Let what happen?” Nick asked, completely confused. They were back on the road and Nick was just getting into the new comic book he got in Sweden. He wasn’t in the mood for AJ’s inspirational speech today, let alone any day. AJ sighed, still pacing the moving bus. “Brian. You can’t let this happen!” Nick rolled his eyes and brought his head back down to read his comic book. “I’m serious,” AJ said before closing the comic book. Nick sighed and looked up at AJ with a cocked eyebrow. “I’ve seen you two together, what is wrong with you? Why can’t you see it?” “See what?” “Don’t play dumb blonde,” “See what?” Nick ignored the comment. “See how you guys belong together. I’ve never seen you two happier. It’s been like that since I can remember,” “I don’t see it,” Nick responded flatly before reopening his comic book. “Nick,” AJ warned. Nick looked up, “what do you want from me? We tried it, it didn’t work. Get over it, we did! As you can see, he’s clearly moved on,” if AJ wasn’t mistaken he could detect the slightest bit of hurt in Nick’s voice. But then again, it could have been his overactive imagination. Too hopeful. He shook his head. “First off, I want to know what happened between you two,” “AJ…” “Nick, I couldn’t be more fucking serious. I want to know. I’ve been dragged into this entire soap opera and I’m not going to let it go until you tell me what the fuck went on.” “You seriously can’t make me,” “I think you owe me at least that,” Nick sighed, feeling defeated. He looked out the window of their tour bus and sighed again. He felt suddenly completely deflated and glanced at AJ who sat patiently on the edge of his bed. “You obviously know what happened before hand,” Nick began. AJ nodded encouragingly. “So after we got together, everything was fine…” Nick glanced up to see how AJ was taking this, he felt so embarrassed talking about Brian like a past relationship. “Yeah, it was…it was more than fine. It was good. So we talked about it, and then we slept together…” realizing what he just said he began to panic, “not like that! That’s not what I meant. We just fell asleep together…in the same bed…” Nick was interrupted by AJ’s laughing. AJ waved a hand at Nick, still chuckling, “I’m sorry, go on.” Nick rolled his eyes and went on, “it started the morning after. It hit me. When you called.” “When I called?” “Yeah, when everyone was looking for Brian. I just…it felt so wrong. I couldn’t deal with it. I never thought it would actually happen you know? So when it did….” “Yeah, I get it. It must’ve been awkward.” “Completely. And it was wrong. I didn’t know what to do. I was scared. And it was wrong.” “It’s not wrong,” Nick looked up, and for the first time AJ noticed his eyes brimming with tears, but it could’ve still been his overactive imagination. That’s what it was. ”Isn’t it?” He looked so fragile. So innocent. Sometimes AJ forgot how old he was. “It’s not wrong. It’s not near wrong. It’s two best friends, who’ve loved each other and known each other for practically their entire lives, feeling an even deeper kind of love. It’s more beautiful than wrong Nick.” “We even decided we’d figure it all out together. That was after I became all awkward and thought horrible things about us. He confronted me. I told him the truth. I told him I didn’t want to do this, that I scared, and he agreed. I didn’t think he’d agree, I thought he’d fight. So I fought. And in the end we decided we’d figure it out together.” “So what happened? Why aren’t you in that bus with him right now?” “Because…because we fell asleep together again, and when we woke up, the same thing happened. I realized I just couldn’t do that. It felt wrong…” “It’s not wrong,” AJ interrupted. Nick sighed and wiped his eyes, few tears had escaped his eyelids. “It felt wrong. And I couldn’t do it. I asked him for time, and he agreed.” “And?” “And then Leighanne came into the picture…I have no fucking idea why I’m telling you all this,” he sniffed and laughed uncomfortably. AJ smirked, “because I’m doctor Ruth.” Nick smiled, “yeah. Whatever.” “Do you still need time?” “I stopped needing time a while ago,” “ So what’s stopping you?” Nick looked at AJ like he was fucking idiot. “Oh,” AJ nodded. “Leighanne.” “Yeah, Leighanne,” Nick spit out her name. “It hurt. A lot. He asked me to stay one night and I ended up…we…started…” “Yeah okay, I get it,” AJ began to blush. He didn’t need details. “And she came in.” “She caught you?” AJ nearly shouted. Nick laughed, “no. I was sent to the bathroom. And from what I heard she tried to convince him to try again with her. Convince…as in CONVINC E her to stay,” “Yeah, I get it Nick. And now? Now what’s stopping you?” Nick paused. “Now they’re together is what’s stopping me.” “Doesn’t hurt?” “To see them?” “Yeah,” Nick nodded. “So why don’t you tell him?” “I feel stupid,” “That’s your excuse? You feel stupid?” “You don’t understand. I told him I needed time. I didn’t expect him to wait around, but I didn’t expect him to jump on her the first chance he got. I felt stupid. I realized…I kinda did…sorta…I loved him. But it took her and him hooking up to make me realize it. Now it’s just too late. I can’t go to him now. I just can’t.” “Are they married?” “No…” “Then it’s not too late…and you know, now that I think of it…even if they were married, it’s not really too late.” Nick laughed. “So what are you going to do,” “Nothing,” Nick mumbled and eyed his comic book. “I thought we just…” “We did. I get it. I just don’t know…” “Don’t know what?” “I don’t wanna get hurt J. I really don’t.” “You’re hurting now anyway, if you give it a shot and it fails…then you can do the whole mourning thing. Okay? But until then, you have to try. You have to fight for him.” Nick glanced at AJ and began laughing. “What?” “I’m sorry,” Nick said calming down, “I just…I never though you’d be giving me love advice.” “Well?” “I’ll fight for him Dr. Ruth,” Nick made a fist in the air over exaggeratedly. AJ rolled his eyes, “So are you going to try?” “I don’t know how,” Nick sighed. “I can help,” AJ smiled. “That’s okay thanks,” Nick eyed him warily. “Fine, but I wanna know before it happens.” “Whatever J.” BACK NEXT |
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