CHAPTER SEVENTY FIVE My body was shaking so hard it hurt. I hadn’t stopped crying in days. I’m not even sure what day it is. All I know is how much my heart hurts. And how I just wanted it all to stop. What did I do to deserve this? All this torture. I don’t know if I can handle anymore. Why was everything so complicated? Why did everything have to hurt so much? It hurt to breathe. It hurt to think. And it hurt to feel. It really hurts to feel. I wiped my eyes with the back of my shaking hand. I’m finished crying. I finished fucking crying. I just had to deal with the fact that I had nothing left. No best friend. No love of my life. I probably screwed BackStreet over. I went through all that fucking hell for what? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I felt my head begin to spin again, and the feeling of tears pricking my eyes. I was so sick of feeling this way. I just wanted to be normal. I just wanted to have a normal life. I ran a shaky hand through my hair and stood up from my corner on the floor. I needed to get out. I needed to get the fuck out of this soap opera. I walked slowly over to the phone and picked it up. Dialing Paul’s number, I told him I was leaving for a bit. He obviously insisted he should come, being the bodyguard and all. I just needed to get away from everything. Paul caught up with me at the elevators as we made our way down to the lobby. As soon as I stepped out of the hotel, I was completely drenched. I hadn’t even realized it was raining. And why the fuck not? Could anything else go wrong? I hailed a cab and got in with Paul, asking the driver to just take me where there’s alcohol. Paul looked at me skeptically, but I didn’t care. I was so numb I didn’t care about anything anymore. Nick hates me. Nick didn’t love me enough to fight for me. He never did. He never will. Tears began pooling in my eyes once more, and I sighed deeply, throwing my head back. Why the fuck is this so hard? When the car screeched to a stop, I paid the driver quickly and ran into the bar. I just needed to forget for a little while. I sat at the bar, figuring I’d be needing to be as close as possible to the drinks. I ordered a beer, to start me off, but I really wasn’t in the mood. I didn’t even feel like getting drunk and forgetting for a while. What was wrong with me? Suddenly, I burst into tears. My lips quivered and my stomach tightened. I felt my heart rip a little more when I pictured Nick. I grabbed the beer and chugged. At my third beer I wasn’t even feeling a buzz and was about to order another one when I felt a hand on my shoulder. My voice was raspy when I yelled out exasperatedly, “Paul, I’ll tell you when I’m finished!” The hand against my shoulder didn’t lift, but slid down my back, instantly making me shiver. “Brian,” a husky voice whispered in my ear. My heart began to pound so hard against my chest it hurt. I felt so dizzy I thought I’d fall over if my hands weren’t gripping the bar so tightly. So many emotions were running through me I couldn’t think straight. Betrayal, anger, love, hurt…and most of all, I felt my heart squeeze and ache once more. “I’m sorry baby. I just…I couldn’t…” “Don’t Nick,” I pleaded. I still hadn’t turned around. I just couldn’t face him. I couldn’t deal with it anymore. “Brian…” “No Nick, please. Don’t,” I whispered, fingering my mug. I didn’t need an apology. I didn’t need to be reminded how I’d lost him. Or how much pain he’d put me in. I just needed him to leave me alone. “Just… go away.” “No…just…let me explain,” his voice sounded desperate. Why couldn’t he just let me be? I didn’t need an explanation. I didn’t need him to justify his reasons of why he left me out in the rain. He spun my chair around until I faced him. I tried to turn back, but his hands had my chair in place. I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t face him. So I stared at his feet. I heard him sigh loudly, but he continued anyway. “My parents…they…you know they won’t…” I lifted my hand in his face to stop him. I couldn’t hear it. “Nick. Don’t,” I lifted my body from the chair, which now felt so heavy, I knew I didn’t really want to leave but I forced myself to keep moving. “Brian!” Nick called after me, but I pushed the front door to the bar open and stepped outside. I was hit full force with the cold, the wind and the rain. I wrapped my coat tighter around myself and walked as quickly as I could away from the dingy bar. And Nick. “Brian, please!” I shut my eyes tightly and tried to walk faster, tripping along the way. Tears slipped freely down my cheeks, which I wiped quickly with my sleeve. “I love you,” At those words I froze completely. I couldn’t get myself to move. As much as he hurt me, my feet still wouldn’t move. But I didn’t turn around. A sob racked my body, but my tears went unnoticed against the rain. “I do. I love you so much it hurts. And it’s scary, but not even Kevin can tear us apart. I want you. I won’t settle for anything less. I’m so sorry I put you through hell over and over. I know I have now. I know and I’m sorry. Just please…give me one more chance.” My tears fell harder and my heart pounded in my chest. Those were the words I’ve wanted to hear for so long. So long my heart ached. But it was too late. It was way too late to open my heart again. It had to heal first. “Brian, please. Look at me,” I shook my head, feeling the water spray around me. I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. “Please,” it was more of a whisper, a plea. My heart broke once more. I didn’t know if I could handle anything else. I could feel his eyes boring into the back of my head, willing me to turn around. I dropped my head into my hands as I felt my knees buckle and my body give out. I fell to the ground and cried harder. I didn’t want to feel like this anymore. I just wanted it all to stop. My head was titled up, the rain still hitting me hard. It took me so much strength to open my eyes, but when I did my breath caught in my throat. Nick kneeled before me, staring deep into my eyes, water cascading down his beautiful face. I felt my heart constrict in my chest. “Please baby, just one more chance.” I tried to open my mouth. I tried to answer. I tried to explain to him that it would be too hard, that I couldn’t. I tried to tell him he lost his chance. But nothing came out. Fresh tears slid down my cheeks as he watched me, searched my face for an answer. But I couldn’t speak. And so, with his thumb and index finger still holding my chin lightly, he kissed me. He brushed his plush wet lips against mine so softly, it felt like he was barely there. My eyelids fell shut. The power of those lips always amazed me. He pulled away after only a second, my head still spinning, my eyes still shut. He leaned in once more and kissed me again. The second kiss, he lingered longer, but it was still so soft. I felt him shake slightly and opened my eyes to see him crying as well. His eyes were red rimmed, his cheeks flushed, his bottom lip quivering. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered, his breath against my neck. “Just one more chance.” “I-” “Please,” his voice caught in his throat as he tried to hold back a sob. He brushed the back of his hand against my cheek before slipping it around the back of my neck into my hair. He rested his forehead against mine. “I’ve never been so deeply, so insanely in love with anyone before in my entire life. And it scares me so much. So much sometimes I cry, because I don’t know what to do. And I’m scared to end up alone. To end up living without you. And I can’t. It’s just not possible.” He wiped a tear that had fallen from his eyes with his free hand and then brought his hand to my face, tracing my jaw line. “You’ve been apart of my life for as long as I can remember. You’ve been my friend, my brother, my lover. I don’t know what I’d have done without you and I don’t know what I’d do if you left me now. I need you. I don’t only want you but I need you Brian. I need you to breathe.” He took in a shaky breath, “please don’t leave me. Don’t take away my only life line.” His lip began to tremble once more when I didn’t answer right away. He shut his eyes tightly and pulled away, dropping his hand from my face. He looked so upset, so completely devastated. He looked like he was going to fall apart. I slid my hand into his, and watched wordless as his eyes snapped open. His eyes searched desperately into mine, hope clearly written on his face. I smiled softly, “Okay,” I whispered, feeling the tears threatening to take hold again. I couldn’t let him go. I couldn’t let him go even if my life depended on it. “Okay?” He questioned softly, almost afraid. “Okay, I won’t leave you.” ****** THE END ****** Written by: mywaybsb Feedback to: myway_bsb@hotmail.com or use a Feedback Form http://www.angelfire.com/music5/backstreet_myway/ BACK |
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