CHAPTER SEVEN I sat, with the blanket all tangled between my limbs, crying. I cried. I hadn’t cried since I started with the guys. I cried so hard I could barely breathe and I didn’t think I’d be able to stop. I actually felt my entire world crumble from beneath me. Nick hated me. He was disgusted with me. He told me never to talk to him again. Never to look at him again. My hand shook as I tried to wipe away some of the tears. This couldn’t be happening. This didn’t just happen. It was one thing to be able to love someone, and not have them know about it, then for them to know that you love them and they don’t love you back. Wow, I’m not even making any sense anymore. I didn’t know what was right or wrong anymore. Was I wrong to love Nicky? Was he right to be disgusted in me? I just wanted him to love me, to accept me. But that was too much to ask. I never thought Nick would be like this. Or maybe I did, and I just didn’t want to admit it to myself. Maybe I did know he was going to call me a fag…I flinched at the word. I wasn’t, was I? I couldn’t be. I never looked at another guy the way I looked at Nick. Although I didn’t look at any girls either. What was wrong with me? I love my best friend. I love my best friend who is a guy! That’s wrong. I’m wrong. I don’t deserve him, or anyone else for that matter. He was right. He trusted me, and I betrayed him. Maybe I was only his friend to fuck him. Maybe I only confided in him so that I could be near him. Could that be it? No. No. I shook my head. That was impossible. It only happened 5 agonizing months ago. But maybe it didn’t. I could’ve only realized it a couple of months ago, but really it happened a while ago. Fuck! That couldn’t be right either. Am I that sick? How would I feel if my whole friendship with him had been a lie? I wouldn’t want to look at him again. He is right. I would be so hurt. I hurt him. I hurt Nick. Isn’t there a saying? You can’t hurt the one’s you love. I hurt him. Do I really not love him? Is it simply lust? I got up shakily on my legs and went towards the bathroom. Showers seemed to always calm my nerves. I turned the tap and stripped myself of the rest of my clothing. Once I stepped in, I closed my eyes and the tight muscles relaxed slightly when the burning hot water hit my skin. But flashes of the dream I had racked at my brain. They wouldn’t leave me alone. I began to cry once more, losing what little control I had mustered. Seeing Nick hurt so badly. It hurt my heart. It really did feel like it was in pieces. My legs gave out on my and I collapsed to the ground, letting the sobs take over my body once again. CHAPTER EIGHT I had to face him. I had to face all of them. I don’t think I’m strong enough. We had the day off yesterday, so I could cry in my bed and be sad, but now it was work, and I couldn’t be sad. It wasn’t aloud. But my limbs throbbed, my head hurt, and my heart ached. This was going to be so hard. I shakily pulled up my pants and threw on my shirt. Nick hadn’t come back last night. I don’t know if I was relieved or hurt. It didn’t matter though. What I felt anyway, I put Nick through enough shit as it is. He always needed my reassurance, he needed my opinion… he needed me, even to this day. He’s always been that insecure little kid you saw start out in the music business. And I…I threw it all back in his face. Okay, I could so do this. I walked out of our hotel room and down the hallways where the rest of the guys were all waiting. All the guys. That meant Nick was included. My heart began to beat so fast. No I can’t. I cannot do this. I turned to walk back into my room, maybe they hadn’t noticed me… “Took you long enough,” AJ teased. I closed my eyes. I took a deep breath. Just calm yourself. Will your heart not to beat so fast. Maybe, if I do that, I’ll be able to will it not to ache. I walked up to them, glancing briefly at Nick. Pain. That’s all I felt at the moment. That’s all I knew. Just looking at Nick brought all the memories flooding back into my mind. I clutched my chest where my heart was…maybe that would work. Make the pain go away. “Are you okay? Is it your heart?” Howie asked attentively. I smiled slightly, spite my feelings, “In a way.” Okay that was corny. Pathetic actually, but it got a reaction out of Nick. He hadn’t acknowledged me. But he glanced at me, just for a second. And then he was back to talking with Howie. That was it. His look, it was so harsh, his eyes were coated with anger, but there was something else…I think it was betrayal, hurt. My heart ached more and my eyes rimmed with tears. They hadn’t left him the entire time, and Kevin began to give me a weird look. “You okay man?” I nodded solemnly. Plaster smile on face…give a thumbs up…wink…done. I fucking convinced them just like that. But it’s usually Nick that could see right through me, and right now, I think he only wanted to look passed me. “So are we gonna get? Because I think we’re runnin’ late,” AJ chimed in. “Yeah,” Was all I said before walking past everyone to the elevator. I hate this. I just want this all to be over. The tears in my eyes silently fell down my cheeks. I hated it when Nick hurt. And now, I hate it sooo much that I’m the subject of that. I heard voices from the end of the hall. “Man, what’s up with him?” “Did you two have a fight again?” “Get it straight.” When the elevator doors flew open, I ran into them and tried to close the doors before anyone else came in, but when I turned around my heart jumped in my throat. Nick stood there beside me. He leaned over and pressed the close button and the ground level. “I’m not here on my own free will,” he reminded me. I nodded and slipped my hands into my pockets nervously. The numbers of the floors couldn’t have gone down any slower. “They know something’s wrong,” I nodded again. “They aren’t going to find out alright?” Nick glared at me. Was he… “You don’t want them to know you’re a fag, do you?” I shut my eyes tightly and looked away. He’s not going to see me cry again. And the guys wouldn’t do that. They’d accept me, right? Yeah, right…the same way Nick did? I shook my head in response. I leaned my head against the wall, two more stories. Two…one…the elevator shook slightly and came to halt. Holy shit. What the fuck? I looked at Nick worriedly who had stepped away from the controls. He had pressed the stop button. I swallowed hard and instinctively began to back up against the other wall. He was known to be somewhat violent when he was upset. Nick approached me as I backed away. My legs shook when I hit the wall. “Nick…” I squeaked out warily. He was up against me and breathing in my ear. I couldn’t help it, I shivered uncontrollably and he laughed. “This is as close to me as your ever gonna get,” and with that, the warmth left me as the elevator doors opened a second later and he walked out. I sank to my knees and began to cry. This wasn’t fair. I didn’t think I could take much more of this. He’s hurting me so badly, I don’t think he realizes it. Just taunting me with something I know I’ll never have. CHAPTER NINE “What’s up with you?” Kevin asked as he sat himself down beside me. I rolled my eyes. “Seriously, this is getting irritating. We’re leaving tomorrow, and I don’t feel like going through this the entire tour. Whatever’s wrong with you and Nick please fix it.” I looked at him, I wasn’t sure if I was pissed off at him or what. “What if I told you nothing was wrong?” I snapped. “Then I’d tell you to go shit yourself and come back when you really wanna be a man and confront whatever fucking problem you’re dealing with.” Kevin stood up to leave. I don’t know why I grabbed his sleeve, but I did. I needed to tell someone. It was eating me inside, I just couldn’t take it anymore. He turned, raising an eyebrow expectantly. I let go of him. How do I tell him? I’m in love with Nick? Nick hates me? We’re probably going to be breaking up one of the most important things in your life? Nope. Don’t think so. “Nothing…it’s nothing,” My eyes lowered to the floor, shamefully. Why was I ashamed? “Come on, tell me. I’m here,” Kevin’s tone softened as he sat back down. “No no,” I was shaking my head. I’m not going to tell you Kevin. Please don’t make me. You’ll hate me. “I…it’s nothing, you wouldn’t be interested.” “Would I be here if I wasn’t? Come on cuz, I’m here for you.” No Kevin… please. “Don’t give me that look, I wanna know what’s going on.” I sighed heavily, no matter what, Kevin always gets his way. “Kev…it’s really hard for me to-I…Kev, I-…” “Take your time,” My heart beat so fast against my chest, I was having a hard time breathing. Why couldn’t I get it out? Oh, right…he’d hate me. My hands were sweating, I felt like a kid. “No , it’s more than that…I just…I can’t tell you,” Wow Bri, make anymore sense and you won’t even have to speak soon, you could do it all telepathically. “Can’t tell me? What can’t you tell me?” Kevin’s brow furrowed. He’s getting nervous and uptight. Shit. Not what I need. “No I mean…” I sighed. Was I really gonna do this? “I’m…Kevin….I’m…” “What? You’re what?” “Stop interrupting me, let me get it out.” I was getting frustrated, feeling tears burning the back of my eyes. I didn’t need this. I didn’t need to tell him. “I’m sorry, really, I am…I’m just worried.” I do want his opinion though. He’s always given me good advice. I need it. I don’t know what to do. Who else could I turn to that won’t turn their back on me? I raised my eyes to meet his. “Kev…you’re so completely in love with Kristin, right?” Kevin nodded, not entirely sure where I was going with this. “With your entire heart, body, mind and soul?” He nodded once more. “What would you do if for some reason you couldn’t be together? Something was holding you back. What can you do?” He smiled, his worried frown relaxing slightly. Probably thinking about Kristin, “I would do anything I could to be with her. Whatever it took. Whether it meant to leave what I love most, to fly to the moon or anything, I would do it.” That’s not what I meant. “And what if…she…okay, just for a second, think about it she didn’t love you back…and you couldn’t be together. What would you do then?” “I’d be fucked,” He said simply. Not wanting to look further into it. Stubborn ass Kevin. “I need a little more than that,” “Like what? What does this have to do with Nick and you fighting?” “It doesn’t,” I lied, “I just…I need to know. It’s partly why I’m mad and upset.” He nodded and thought for a bit. I nervously bit my thumbnail. What if he told me something I didn’t want to hear. I think I’m falling apart inside. I just, I need the pain to go away. “Don’t cry man, whatever it is we’ll work it out,” Kevin grabbed me into a tight hug. I hadn’t even realized I was crying. I collapsed into his arms and let it out. I’ve been doing it so often lately that I’m tired of being ashamed. I just don’t care anymore. The pain…in my heart, it just has to go away. What did I do to deserve this? I can’t take this anymore. ~*~*~*~*~*~ I knocked on the door, watching as my hand shook. I was actually beginning to get fascinated when the door swung open. My heart sped up, just the sight of him made my heart skip a beat, my whole world lighten. He went to close the door but I stuck my foot in the door. “Brian…” Nick warned. “Nick…” I countered. He glared at me, expecting me to shrink away, but I made up my mind. I needed to talk to him. I couldn’t live like this. “Go. Away.” He growled. “What? You’re afraid I’ll seduce you?” I smirked. Nick glared one more time and let go of the door, walking to his bed. As if to prove a point that he knew I wouldn’t be able too. And that’s exactly why I did it…I knew him too well. “Well?” Nick asked childishly crossing his arms. “Well what?” “Stop it. I don’t want to be around you anymore then I have to be,” Nick seethed. Man he really was mad. But usually, when he’s like that, he’s more hurt than mad. I needed to talk to him. Now. I sat next to him. He stood up and walked to the other side of the room. Ass. Homophobic. I turned to him, “Nick, why are you disgusted in me?” Wow. I can’t believe I actually voiced it. And now that I think of it, where did all the confidence come? Just a couple of hours ago I was bawling hysterically. I think it was his presence, it brought me strength. He looked at me incredulously, as if I should already know the answer. “I don’t know. Maybe my best friend is gay? He forgot to mention it to me? And guess what? I certainly found out who he was dreaming of fucking! Way to break it to me!” I flinched. That was really loud. A little too loud. He seemed to have noticed it too, and cursed silently. “We were imitating…making fun or something, of a soap…if anyone asks, okay?” “That would mean we made up,” “Around the others, fine.” Nick growled. “Fine.” He sighed loudly and turned around, occupying himself with something at the counter. He looked good, even from the back…especially from the back. My eyes lowered slowly down his frame. Damn… “Eyes up,” he warned, not even looking at me. I swallowed, trying to adjust the strain in my pants. “Nick, please…can I tell you something?” Nick whipped around, “what? Now are you going to tell me you’re having a baby, and the father’s Kevin?” I ignored that, really hard…but I did. “Nick…I was going to tell you that night…” He rolled his eyes and turned back to the table, “No Nick, I’m serious. I thought that if anyone would understand, it would be you. I need someone to talk to. I don’t think you understand how hard this is for me. I need you. Fuck Nick, why do you have to be like this?” He stopped doing whatever he was doing. Maybe I’d gotten through to him. “Nick, I need your friendship now more that anything. I’m so sorry. I never meant for anything to happen. I swear,” I tried again. He turned around slowly, eyes as cold as ice. Maybe I didn’t. “Brian, I don’t think you’ll ever be getting my friendship in anyway shape or form again. Now Leave. Goodbye Frick,” The tears burned in my eyes, and I didn’t care that Nick was going to witness me break down. He didn’t care about anything else, so why should I? Fuck, I wish it was that easy. I knew what he meant. I knew what the fuck he meant when he said goodbye Frick. That was a homophobic pig turning his back on me. I took the nearest thing beside me and gripped it with a force I never imagine possible. I threw it against the mirror right next to him, and watched as it shattered. “FUCK YOU CARTER!” I screamed. He flinched. He actually flinched. He looked hurt. But not nearly as much, not even a tenth as much as the pain I felt. I stormed across the room and swung open the door. “We need to talk,” Shit. BACK NEXT |
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