CHAPTER NINETEEN Those words hurt so bad I didn’t even think I could cry. I was in shock. Every part of my body ached, but my eyes simply refused to cry. To show the real emotion going through me, frustration, fear, hurt, betrayed…my reply? “Okay.” I was ready to leave at that. I didn’t want him hurting me anymore than he already had, than he already did. But the words slipped out of my mouth, they were in disgust, pure hatred, none of which I felt at that moment. “It was wrong anyway.” And then I walked away. That was that. 5 months of torturing myself over him. 1 month of completely and utter loss and confusion and nothingness, 1 day of risks, 3 days of pure bliss, and now? It’s over. Finished. 1 day to end it all. It was so simple. Too simple. I should have fought for him, but I had no more strength. So I walked away. “Wait…Bri! Wait! It’s not what I meant!” Nick’s voice called after me. Just the way my name slipped from his lips made my heart pound against my chest. Anticipation. I didn’t want him to seem I was too eager. He didn’t want to let go. I turned around to face him. “I-I mean…” he stuttered. Completely flustered. He ran a shaking hand through his hair to try and control his nerves. “I mean I…I meant what I said. I didn’t lie to you. It’s the complete truth. I don’t know what I’m doing, I’m scared, I don’t trust my feelings…” I wanted to interrupt him. Tell him neither did I. But I didn’t. And he continued. “I just…I don’t want you to get hurt. I don’t want you to suffer along side me while I try and figure things out. I don’t want to hurt you. You mean too much to me. In every way possible.” The man had a way with words. I felt my head begin to swim, I was getting dizzy from so many emotions. He really meant it. Nick rarely lied in serious situations. I wanted to tell him it’s okay, I’ll stand by side through anything if he’ll let me. Even if he won’t let me. But my betrayed and broken heart replied for me, “It’s too late for that. You’ve already hurt me. So much. Too many times,” My legs moved from underneath me and I felt myself walk away. It’s like I was watching, not acting. “This can’t be it. You can’t just leave it at that, you can’t…” “I can,” “But Brian, we haven’t really even gotten together for you to break us apart. It’s only been three days!” He’d been counting? I wanted to turn around, run into his arms, but I didn’t. I managed to stop my robotic legs from moving though. “It-it was our first fight…we…” I was completely detached, “that wasn’t a fight. We didn’t have a fight. Did you hear any yelling? I sure didn’t. It was just you telling me the truth, which don’t get me wrong, I thank you very much for opening my eyes. The truth is Nicky, you can’t handle a complicated relationship. You can’t even get close to anyone like that. The minute it gets serious, you’re gone before the door can hit you on your way out. You can’t handle anything remotely serious, and you know, one day, you’ll end up all alone.” Nick’s face paled. A shade of white I never thought possible on a human. His eyes watered and his lips trembled. The strong 21 year old I knew broke down in front of me once more, looking like a 7 year old who couldn’t find his parents at the mall. I was ready to take him back just like that, if my body would only let me. “Pease I need you. I didn’t mean to hurt you. Just don’t go. I don’t want to be alone.” I wanted to wrap my arms around him. My poor baby. But I didn’t. “Why did you make me suffer when you knew you felt the same way I did? Why did you hurt me like that?” I heard myself ask the question that had been burning the back of my mind. His eyes bored into mine. “If I tell you, will you stay?” “Stay here?” Nick nodded. “Yeah, I’ll stay Nick,” I sat down, Nick sat beside me, he refused to look at me. “What if I told you I don’t know?” I rolled my eyes, getting ready to get up. “No, wait! I’m not done.” He grabbed my arm, panic written all over his face. So innocent. His touch sent electric shocks up the length of my body. I tried to keep my breathing labored as I sat back down. Why didn’t I just give in? I love him. So much. I don’t need an explanation. I just need him. But I stayed silent as he explained. “God Brian, I don’t know what happened. I don’t remember when I started having feelings for you, maybe a month ago? I just…I wasn’t sure what the hell it was at first, but when I figured it out, I couldn’t understand. I liked girls. I did,” he tried convincing himself. “I still do. But…you…and…I….you messed me up…I was so lost…I don’t know. When you told me you had feelings for me too at first I thought you were messing with me, you know? Messing with me ‘cause you knew I had feelings for you. But when I realized that wasn’t it….I…” he stopped, took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “I was scared. I didn’t want anything to happen…between us…and I thought that if you somehow found out I liked you….it would happen. Just like it did. I just…I don’t know w hat to do, I don’t know what to think. I don’t know if I want this…” he looked into my eyes, desperately searching for acceptance. He hadn’t done that since he was 16 years old. I was sweating, I was nervous, but I grabbed him into a tight hug. I felt him relax against me. “I’m so sorry,” he mumbled. “I know,” I whispered. “You aren’t mad?” He asked pulling away. “Would I have hugged you if I was?” He shook his head and smiled. But his face grew serious once more. “Brian…I-” “Nick…it’s okay. I don’t care how you feel about the whole us thing. We can take our time. Do whatever. Okay? I want to be by your side when you figure this out, is that okay?” He nodded again. “Good. I love you, you know.” “I love you too,” and we embraced. Like two best friends trying to sort out the pieces of the most complicated puzzle…called their lives. CHAPTER TWENTY “Why is it I always catch you two like this?” Nick and I flew apart and fell to the ground. AJ stood there laughing and shaking his head. “You know, I’m surprised no one else has!” “Shhh,” Nick laughed. “Jesus, could you have said that any louder?” “Yeah, here watch. Nick and Br-” “AJ!” Nick and I both yelled in unison. He smiled and raised his hands in surrender, backing away, “alright, alright!” “What is it you want?” AJ smiled, “nothing. Just…we’ve gotta get goin’. “ “Fine. Thank you. Goodbye.” I replied. “Alright, but just remember for next time, I’m the one with ALL the info. I could be a serious threat!” He informed us before walking away triumphantly. “HE wouldn’t,” I smiled, reassuring Nick who looked panicked. “He was just kiddin’, you know AJ.” He chuckled, “yeah. I know AJ.” - - - - - - - “Nick?” “Hmm?” “Could you stay?” “Stay?” “Yeah, stay.” “Alright,” “Just for tonight,” “Yeah, I know. Sure.” - - - - - My skin was tingling, bringing me out of unconsciousness. I woke up by the delicate feel of fingertips at my neck. Fuck that felt good. His hands traveled down my neck to my T-Shirt. I don’t think I ever wanted to rip a piece of clothing off so quickly in my life. I shivered as his fingers continued their trip down my back, following the dip in my back. My mind was reeling, I couldn’t think straight. I could only close my eyes and let the feelings wash over me. “Nick,” I whispered hoarsely. “You’re awake,” he whispered back. I nodded. He stopped his exploration down my back. I wanted to cry. “Don’t stop. Please,” I couldn’t believe how strangled my voice was and I could almost see his eyebrow rise. His fingers returned and I moaned. I tried not to make much noise, I knew he was still trying to figure things out, but his hands work magic and I had to bite my lip to keep from crying out. They traced the hem of my shirt before slipping inside to my burning hot skin. I jerked feeling his cold fingers on my skin, but I loved it. I needed it. I wasn’t surprised to find myself rock hard. “Brian?” “Hmm,” “I have no clue what I’m doing,” he confessed. Adorable. I turned around in his arm to face him. “Just do what feels right. What you would think is going to feel good.” I tried. I knew that’s what I’d do. He nodded, but still didn’t start. He looked nervous. Hell I was nervous. I lightly took his hand and placed it on my chest. He watched his hand as I brought it slowly down my chest. His fingers were burning their way through my shirt, sending shocks down my spine. I closed my eyes to keep myself under control and let his hand go. I could feel it shaking slightly, it made my heart swell. He was nervous. He was scared he wasn’t going to do this right. He actually cared to do it right. Nick moved himself closer to me, accidentally rubbing his leg against me. The sensation was completely unexpected and so incredible, I groaned loudly. He looked at me shyly and backed away. I knew he wasn’t ready. “Ni-” I cleared my throat, “Nick, it’s okay. We don’t have to. Could you just lie with me?” He sighed in relief and I suppressed a smile. He turned me around and spooned me from behind. His body curved against mine perfectly. I tried to slow my breathing down and ignore the dull ache in my groin but it was hard. His breath against my neck, his body against mine, this was going to be hell. - - - - - - The phone rang, waking us up for the second time today. Nick leaned over me and picked it up. “ ‘Lo?” He was silent for a moment. Obviously listening to the other person on the line. I began to panic. Last time, it wasn’t good. “Yes. Again. Un-huh. I know. Do it again, okay?” Nick sounded suddenly irritated. “Nick?” I whispered. He held up a finger. One minute. Sure. Fine. I could wait. Then have you spaz at me later. “Okay, fine. Bye.” He stated before hanging up the phone and turning to me. “AJ?” He nodded. “Looking for you this time?” He nodded again. I closed my eyes. This was gonna be hard to avoid. Ever. “You okay?” He nodded. “I’m serious now. If you lie, we won’t be getting anywhere. I need to know how you feel.” His gaze fell to the bed. So he was hiding something. He got up and walked over to his clothing he left last night on the ground and struggled to put his pants on. Yup. This was how it was going to be. I fell back against the bed and threw a pillow over my head. “Leave,” I mumbled through the pillows. “I’m trying,” he replied as he almost tripped over the vacant pant leg. “I’m serious,” He looked up, puzzled. I placed the pillow lower on my body so I could see him. “Why are you like this?” “Like what?” He seriously had no clue. “I ask you a question, you ignore me. I try and talk, you don’t listen. You lie. You hide. Why are you making this so hard?” “Because it is hard!” He yelled, finally breaking. “Too hard?” I tried to ask, but came out as more of a whisper. I wasn’t letting him go. “Yes. Maybe. No. I don’t know!” He screamed in frustration running a hand through his matted hair. His sexy matted hair. I nodded back, tears brimming my eyes. “Fine,” I whispered. He looked at me with a pained expression on his face, then it softened slightly. “I have an idea,” I raised an eyebrow in question. “How about we don’t wake up together?” “What?” I asked. “We seem to have problems waking up in the morning, without yelling at each other or leaving, or threatening to leave…” He smiled. “You seem to have problems waking up in the morning with me.” I corrected. His smiled faded. “Fine. Forget it.” Sometimes he’s such a baby, “Nick…I’m sorry. That’s not what I meant.” Yes it was. “Yes it was,” wow he’s a mind reader too. “Fine. That’s what I meant. But don’t leave.” “I knew I was right,” he muttered under his breath pulling his shirt over his head. “What?” “I shouldn’t have started this,” “But you did,” “Yeah, I did,” “So now what?” “Now, I don’t know. Give me some time?” He asked. His eyes were pleading with me to understand. Why didn’t I listen to him? He wasn’t ready. I knew that. I nodded. Fine. I’ll give you some time. But please come back to me. He nodded back, gave me a crooked smile, and opened the door. With that, he was gone. Again. The pain in my chest was getting worse. The pain. My heart. It was broken again. And I have just finished placing the pieces back. But he just said he needed time. Not that it was over. It wasn’t. So why were tears falling from my eyes? * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ A pounding at my door woke me up from my unfit full sleep. My feet dragged as I made my way to the door. My head was pounding from crying, my eyes were probably puffy and I probably looked like a wreck. I was surprised to see whom I saw at the door. I raise my eyebrow, my head pounding and my throat sore. I didn’t feel like talking much. “Can I come in?” He asked anxiously. I nodded and let my hold on the door go so he could join me. He looked panicked. So obviously, I began to panic. He rarely panicked. “What’s wrong?” I whispered, my voice still scratchy. “We have a problem,” “We?” He nodded, “we.” “Okay, so what’s OUR problem?” “Kevin,” “Kevin?” I was gonna laugh at how I kept repeating everything he said. “Kevin,” “What’s wrong with Kevin?” “He thought you were having problems,” “What kind of problems?” “Member when you were depressed and miserable?” “Un huh,” where was he going with this? “He thought it was because of Leighanne.” “Leighanne?” There I go again. “Yeah. Leighanne. He thought you missed Leighanne.” “Okay,” “Okay? That’s it?” “Where are you going with this?” “She’s here.” “Who’s here?” Was I becoming delirious? I was too tired to think. “Leighanne.” “She’s here?” I whispered. “Yeah. She’s here,” “Why?” “Kevin called her.” “Oh my God,” I whispered. Practically falling off the bed. This couldn’t be happening. Not now. It couldn’t be happening now. Leighanne. I tried to push her out of mind. It took me so long. But I did it. I stopped thinking about her. I stopped loving her. I stopped needing her. I forgave her for what she did. She was out of my life. She was out of my fucking life! Why’d Kevin have to bring her back in? Why? I can’t handle it again. I barely survived the first heartache. She made me weak in the knees. I love her. I LOVED her. Loved her. Past. Holy shit. Shit. SHIT! Memories flashed before my eyes. Pain. It was all I remembered. It was all I knew with her. My eyes began to water. She hurt me so badly I didn’t think I’d be able to breathe again. I couldn’t see her again. I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t face her. Why did part of me want to see her? It begged me to see her. Give her another chance. Let her in. I wanted to. Fucking badly. Shit! Nick. Nick. Think about Nick. I love Nick. I loved Leighanne. Shit. SHIT! “Brian?” he whispered worriedly, watching me break down. “What do I do AJ?” I whispered. BACK NEXT |
| Just Out Of Reach |