They Fell!!!!!!!
18: HOME
Rincewind slowly opened his eyes, which had before been squeezed shut in absolute terror. He was lying on his back, something which he had not expected after he had just fallen over the waterfall at the end of the world. He also had not expected to find himself staring up at a blue sky full of fluffy white clouds.
Note: The reason for this is quite simple. Rincewind has a magical spell inside of his head. This spell is ‘alive’ in a sense. It knows that if Rincewind dies, it dies so it makes sure that he does not die. Even if he falls off the edge of the disc he will always find himself very much alive in a completely different location. Death had once been annoyed at this cheating of death but had long since given up on his quest to claim Rincewind’s soul. Now he only dropped in occasionally for a talk.
“Where are they?” Rincewind asked, still staring over his shoulder in case they should suddenly jump out at him.
He sat up and stared about the clearing of the forest which he had landed in. To his right the Luggage lie on its back in a clump of brambles and was frantically kicking up all of its little legs as it tried to right itself.
Suspiciously he glanced about him, but there was no sign of the five freaks. They were gone, including the whiner and his boyfriend (Rincewind had seen the blonde kiss him on the cheek and his small mind had settled upon the fact that they were ‘together’. Men did not kiss for any other reasons)
He rubbed his eyes, checking to make sure that they were definitely gone. Rincewind did not like to hang out with people who would bring death riding down upon him.
THEY HAVE GONE.
Rincewind closed his eyes at the sound of the voice and groaned. He turned his head and saw that Death was casually sitting on the branch of a nearby apple tree. “You,” he said. “Am I dead?”
IF YOU ARE THEN I DO NOT KNOW ABOUT IT.
Rincewind pinched his hand. “I don’t feel dead.”
Death shrugged.
Rincewind had had more encounters with Death than any other person alive. Most people only saw Death once and they didn’t have much to say to him apart from ‘you bastard!’. Death came to them when their time was up. Everybody had their own individual hourglass and when the sand had emptied, they died and Death came to collect their soul.
The sand in Rincewind’s hour glass had run out several times but always the hourglass would suddenly spout an extra tube which would lead the sand to double back at the top. Against all reason he had survived dragons, sorcerers, kangaroos… and falling off the edge of the world. Twice actually.
HOME.
“You sent them home?”
THEY DID NOT BELONG HERE. THEIR PRESENCE WAS DESTROYING THE DISC. THEY COULD NOT STAY.
“I saw those hourglasses in your hands!” Rincewind said as he stood up. “There was hardly any sand left! Why didn’t you - ?”
IT WAS NOT MY PLACE. THEY DO NOT BELONG HERE. THEY ARE NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY. THE SAND MERELY REPRESENTED THE TIME THEY HAD LEFT ON THE DISC. IF I HAD NOT SENT THEM BACK BEFORE THAT SAND RAN OUT, THE WORLD WOULD HAVE BEEN DESTROYED.
“Simple as all that huh?” Rincewind asked as he shook his head.
HAVE AN APPLE.
Death tossed an apple from the tree to Rincewind. Rincewind caught it and sighed as he looked at the Luggage still struggling wildly. He reached out and helped it to right with his foot. The Luggage leapt out of the brambles and immediately set about staring forlornly at its red toes full of thorns. It stared about it for a moment (although how this was possible without any eyes nobody knows) and then looked at Ricnewind questioningly. (another thing that should have been impossible for a travel accessory to do but in this case wasn’t)
“He’s gone,” Rincewind confirmed.
The Luggage looked depressed.
“You’ll get over it!” Rincewind sighed. “Just because you spat it out, didn’t mean you could keep it!”
The Luggage looked depressed.
Rincewind sighed again. “Have an apple.” He threw the apple at the Luggage which opened its lid to snatch up the snack.
Rincewind glanced back towards Death, but he was gone. He looked back at the Luggage. “Let’s try and find our way home as well.”
***********************************
The boys landed in a very, very untidy heap of legs and arms and occasionally a head, accompanied by several groans. One of them was screaming.
“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! Imdying, imdying, imdying!”
“Shut up Brian!” AJ snapped grumpily. “We’ve already all worked that one out!”
“We’re dead?” Nick asked. His voice muffled as if he were beneath something. “I always wondered what it was like to be dead.”
“Nick?” Kevin said from somewhere else within the wet heap. “You’re weird.”
“I never thought it would feel like I’m being squashed, AJ,” Nick said loudly.
“Really?” AJ asked, staring up at the white ceiling above them and wondering where they were.
“That was a hint to get off of me!” Nick snapped as he suddenly lost patience and pushed the older man from his body. “Your butt was crushing me!” He kicked his legs out in an attempt to clear his body of all the misplaced legs and arms of all the other boys that had become tangled together. He rolled onto his side and blinked as he found himself face to face with Brian. His friend’s face was purple and he was clasping his crotch. He poked him experimentally in the arm. “What’s wrong with you?”
“Brian, what is wrong? Why have you developed a sudden fetish for your own crotch?” AJ asked.
“I think Nick just kicked him there,” Howie offered as he slowly stood up himself, pushing Kevin off of his legs as he did so.
“Mmmumph!” Brian whimpered in confirmation.
“Where are we?” Nick asked. “Do you think this is the waiting room of the dead?” He ran his finger through his wet hair and frowned. They had fallen over a waterfall. Everything had been terribly wet for a moment but now they had landed here…
“Looks more like Brian’s dressing room to me,” Kevin replied, pointing at Brian’s bag in the corner.
“Huh? What happened? And why are we all wet?” AJ asked.
“We fell off of a waterfall you moron!” Howie cried. “Did you expect to be blow dried?”
“No,” AJ replied sourly, “but I didn’t expect to be in Brian’s dressing room either!”
“I think… we’re home,” Kevin said softly. “Does anyone feel dead?”
Brian nodded. “Mmmmumph!”
“Anybody else?” Kevin asked.
The other boys shook their head.
“I think we’re alive then.” He dragged himself to his feet. “I wonder if - ”
Suddenly the door to the dressing room was flung open and the dark haired figure of the stage managed stormed into the room with a face as purple as beetroot.
“Where have you been!” he roared. “I thought you guys were gonna miss the show! I thought you guys weren’t gonna turn up!” he suddenly seized Nick’s collar. “I thought I was going to have to gout there and face all those screaming fans!” he wailed desperately. “They throw teddy bears at you, but do you know what they would throw at me? Bricks!”
“They throw bricks at you?” AJ asked curiously.
“I don’t know what they would throw, but it wouldn’t be nice!” he looked as if he might have a nervous break down any moment. Or more accurately, he looked as if had already happened.
“What time does the show start?” Howie asked anxiously.
“It started five minutes ago!” the managed sobbed. “Now get out there now!”
“But we’re all wet!” Nick cried.
“Girls like you when you’re wet! You look sexy!”
They all stared at him strangely. The manager froze as he realised what he had just said. “Well, the fans will think you look sexy… but I don’t… um…” he looked about him blankly. “Just get out there!”
Nick saluted and began to march towards the door but a gasp of horror from the manager stopped him. “What the hell have you done to your pants?” he screeched.
Nick froze. He looked down and saw that they were still covered in mud and gashes.
“There’s a good rip at the back which shows everything anybody would ever want to know about your butt,” AJ volunteered. “And it looks like you’ve had a sh - ”
“It’s mud!” Nick said, his cheeks going bright red.
“I don’t care what it is!” the manager gasped. “Get changed and get out there quick! I’ll tell the crew to get the lights ready!” he gabbled excitedly. He twitched and muttered to himself as he exited the room.
“Oh dear, I think we have just destroyed his mind by disappearing like that,” Howie said. “Oh well, wasn’t our fault.”
“But how did we get back here?” Nick demanded, making sure he steered the conversation safely away from his pants and butt. He folded his arms and made it clear that he was not moving until he was given an explanation.
“I don’t know, Nick,” Kevin said simply. “Just be glad we’re home. I’m gonna get changed. We have to perform. We can puzzle this out later.”
“I don’t believe this,” Nick muttered. “Death saved us!” He glanced down at Brian who was still curled up on the floor and poked him with his foot. “Bri, we gotta perform,” he said.
“Mmmmmmunmmmmph!” Brian replied.
Nick nodded. “That’s right buddy1 we gotta get out there!”
Nick left Brian to finish massaging himself and returned to his own room. It was just as he had left it, clothes everywhere. The Nintendo was still on pause and unfortunately the spilt coke was still everywhere as well. He shrugged as he pulled on some clean and dry clothes, but froze as he suddenly realised that there was a black cat sat in the corner of the room watching him.
‘It can’t be…’ he thought to himself.
The cat was eyeing his leg hungrily.
“Oh no you don’t!” Nick hissed. “Shoo!” He tried to shoo the cat away with his hands but it purred as it came towards him. “Aargh!” Nick backed away, tripping over the Nintendo wires as he did so. He frantically reached out and grabbed a coke bottle before tipping it all out over the cat’s head.
It gave a pathetic mew before dashing out of the room. Nick breathed a sigh of relied. He hated cats now…
“Nick, what are you doing to the stage manager’s cat?” Howie asked curiously as he peered around the doorway. “We gotta go, come on!”
Nick nodded. “Lemme get Brian. He’s probably still weeping over his crotch though.”
Brian was actually fully changed when Nick entered his room. He was eyeing his mirror suspiciously. “I don’t trust it,” he muttered.
Nick rolled his eyes. “Forget about it, we have a show to do.”