“Whassat?” Sergeant Fred Colon asked, pointing towards the River Ankh.

“What sarge?” Corporal Nobby Nobbs replied.

“On the Ankh. Someut just fell onto it. Les go ‘ave a look.”

“I thought we wus going to ‘ave anuver drink?” Nobby said.

“This is dectoringing,” Colon replied. “Mistah Vimes approves of dat.”

Cautiously (or as cautious as one can be when they’re drunk) they appraoched the Ankh. There was a figure lying upon it. He hadn’t sank yet.



NOTE: The River Ankh is so thick and full of pollution that it takes a while for objects on it to sink. It is quite possible for a person to step onto it or scoop it up in a net.



“S’a woman,” Nobby commented.

“Nah nah, s’a bloke. E’s just got long ‘air.”

The two stepped out onto the Ankh which went ‘shcluk’ beneath their feet. The man twitched slightly.

“Let’s get ‘im outta ‘ere,” Colon said. “Get an arm Nobby.”

They took an arm each and dragged the strange man to the shore.

“Lazy bugga. ‘E’s ashleep,” Colon said, staring down at the unconscious figure.

“Wash shall we do wiv ‘im sarge?” Nobby asked.

“Only one thing to wake ‘im up.”

“Wassat?”

“A driiink.”



********************



His mouth was burning. It felt as if someone where pouring molten lava down his throat. He sat up spluttering and pushed away the arm that was trying to pour the vile substance down his throat.

Where was he? Or, more importantly, WHO was he?

“Y’all right mate?” a voice asked him.

He blinked his eyes about the place. He tried to focus upon the large, circular man in front of him but his eyesight was fuzzy. He seemed to be in some sort of tavern. He had been propped up on a seat by the bar. A tall, heavy built man loomed behind the short fat one. Both of them wore armour and helmets.

“I think that you gave him too much, sergeant.”

“At to wake him up some’ow!”

“Can you hear me, sir?”

“W – water?” he said, hopefully.

“Don’t yous worries,” the fatter man said. “The burning stops in a minute or so. Got a bit of a kick to it does this stuff.”

The taller man stepped forward. “I am Captain Carrot of the Ankh Morpork City Watch,” he said. “Sergeant Colon here,” he patted the fat man on the shoulder. “found you on the River Ankh. How did you get there? You don’t look as if you’ve been in a fight or anything.”

“A – Ankh? Um, uh, d – don’t remember.”

“What’s your name?” the one known as Carrot asked.

“Er, don’t know.”

“Never mind. Have no fear my good man, we’ll sort you out somehow,” Carrot said.

“Anuver drink?” Colon asked, waving a glass cheerfully.

“I think not sergeant. I think he’s had enough, and so have you. I feel that it would be best if we took him to the watch house. Where is his wallet? Does it have his name in it?” Carrot asked.

He patted his pockets but found nothing. he looked at Carrot and shrugged. All eyes turned to glare at a third … being. He wasn’t quite sure if he could be classified as human. He was too short and skinny and… ugly.

“Nobby where is it?” Carrot demanded.

Nobby muttered something under his breath and sulkily handed a black wallet over to Carrot.

“Let’s see,” Carrot said, opening the wallet. “There’s some money in here… but it’s not Ankh Morpork dollars. You must be a foreigner, you don’t look as if you’re from around here anyway. There’s also some cards but I’m not sure what they’re for,” Carrot said, placing a few shiny cards down upon the bar, which were immediately snatched up by Nobby. “Look this one has a photo of you on it and there’s a name… ‘Howard. D. Dorough’? Does that ring any bells?”

“Um, no.”

“Well I think it must be your name.”

Okay, so his name was Howard. Not a bad name, better than Carrot or Leek of something.

“Do you know how you got here or where you came from?”

“N – no.”

“Do you remember anything at all?”

Howard thought hard. There were images in his mind, faces of people he was sure that he should know. It was like trying to remember a dream when you wake up…

“Music,” he said, eventually. “Something about getting another boyfriend.”

Colon spat his drink back out into the glass and the barman coughed slightly. Nobby’s eyes widened. That hadn’t appeared to be a good thing to say at this moment in time. He tried again.

“And, um, a guy in shades and a hat.”

Colon began coughing.

“Do you have a cold?” Howard enquired, politely.

“Well I think it would be best if I escorted you to the watch house,” Carrot said quickly. “I’ll introduce you to my commander, Samual Vimes and see what he says. The walk might do you some good.” Carrot clapped a huge hand on Howard’s shoulder and pulled him to his feet. “Come along, let’s be off. Nobby, stop trying to shove that glass into your pocket.”

Howard took a few uncertain steps. The bar spun crazily. Then he fell over.



*************************



Howard awoke in a dull dreary room. He didn’t recognise it. The last thing he remembered was leaving the tavern with Carrot, Colon and Nobby. What had happened to him? There was knock on the door and then Carrot walked in.

“Can I come in, Howard? This is the watch house. We bought you here after you passed out yesterday when we left the tavern.”

“I passed out?”

“Yes, I believe that Colon may have poured too much Ankh Morpork beer down your throat before I found him. It appears you are not used to that type of alcohol.”

“Oh, all right.” His head ached. What the hell had been in that drink? The hangover was almost as bad as the real stuff!

“How are you feeling?”

“Okay, I guess but I still don’t remember much.”

“Apart from your… friend?”

“Yeah and the music.”

“How is he doing, captain?” another man asked walking in.

“Good morning, commander,” Carrot greeted. “Howard, this is commander sir Samual Vimes.”

“Uh, hello,” Howard said, not sure what else to say.

“So you found him on the Ankh, eh?” Vimes asked. “Doesn’t look like he’s been in a fight and I doubt anyone is STUPID enough to try swimming in the Ankh.” He stared hard at Howard. “You remember anything about yesterday?”

Howard tried to ignore the pulsing ache in his head while he thought. They were things he remembered but he didn’t understand them. A mirror? A monkey?

“A monkey,” he said.

“A monkey?” Vimes replied, raising an eyebrow.

“Yeah, an orange monkey.”

Vimes exchanged a look with Carrot. “Why do the wizards suddenly spring to mind?”

“Huh?”

“The librarian at the wizards’ Unseen University is an orang-utan. Maybe you had an… encounter with him. He doesn’t like being called a monkey and I dare say that you wouldn’t be the first to end up in the Ankh because of mistaking him for one,” Vimes explained.

“I don’t remember a fight,” Howard said, creasing his brow in concentration.

“What shall we do with him, commander?” Carrot asked. “We can’t put him out in the streets, he wouldn’t last two minutes.”

“He looks quite strong… we could do with a man like him around,” Vimes said. He turned to Howard. “ How would you like to join the Watch?”

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