We now know what has become of Howie and Nick. Now we meet Rincewind the incompetent wizard who can't even spell the word 'wizard'. He is a coward and specialises in running away and being able to scream help me in almost every language. He and his magical Luggage on legs have made a discovery...
6: 'UMPH' Rincewind stared at the bundle on the floor and nudged it carefully with a toe. It didn’t move.
He glared at the Luggage. “How long have you had him in there for?” he asked with a sigh.
The Luggage, if it were possible which indeed it was seeing as it did look this way, seemed healthier now it had… regurgitated… whatever it was…
The Luggage pattered over to the lump and licked it.
Rincewind continued to stare at it. It wasn’t moving so running away was not yet required. There was, however, a strange magical field surrounding it which only a wizard could see. That wasn’t good.
“Leave it alone,” he said. “We’re going. I don’t trust anything with a field like that.”
He picked his bag up and gathered his red wizard robes about him. He walked a few steps and then turned around. The Luggage did not make any move to follow him.
“Come on! Don’t look at me like that!” he said, wondering how it was possible for a travel accessory to look like anything. The knotholes on the wooden chest seemed to somehow resemble a puppy dog expression.
“We are not keeping it!” Rincewind said, firmly.
The Luggage shuffled a few steps towards Rincewind and then looked back at the motionless form.
“No,” Rincewind said. “It’s trouble.”
“Uh…” the lump quivered slightly and then moaned.
Rincewind grabbed a rock from nearby, ready to throw it if the figure made any threatening moves.
It moaned again and rolled over. It was a man with light brown hair. He didn’t look like a criminal or anyone who was about to hurt him so Rincewind lowered the rock. The man opened two crystal blue eyes and stared about at his surroundings.
“Uh,” he said again. His eyes suddenly fixed upon the Luggage and stayed there. “Unph!” This time it made a noise like a squeak.
The Luggage pattered forward a few steps on it’s hundreds of little legs. The man’s eyes widened. He gave another sort of squeak.
“Hello?” Rincewind said warily.
The man did not respond. His eyes were still glued to the Luggage. The Luggage inched towards him a little more. The man carefully inched away.
Rincewind regarded him curiously. He was trembling and his eyes were full of fear. He backed away further from the Luggage, but the wooden box still followed him.
“Come on, leave him alone,” Rincewind said, starting to feel a bit of sympathy towards the strange man.
The Luggage looked up at Rincewind and then sat down on all of it’s legs.
Rincewind poked the man. He squeaked again. Rincewind him rated him in the category of ‘things not to run away from’. The man was more frightened of him. Rincewind preferred it that way.
“What’s your name?” he asked.
“Umph,” he stared at the Luggage.
“Where did you come from?”
“Umph,” he stared at the Luggage. He didn’t seem to want to think about where’d he come from. Rincewind didn’t blame him, after all, he had just been thrown up by a wooden box with a lot of legs and teeth.
Rincewind sighed and sat back down by his fire. He stole another glance at the ‘umoh’ man. He didn’t look like a criminal or anyone else he recognised. The Luggage only ate people who were trying to attack it or Rincewind. This guy didn’t look as if he could attack a fly. He crossed over to the Luggage.
“Open,” he said.
The Luggage obediently opened it’s lid. Inside were Rincewind’s belongings.
The Luggage was an odd thing. Being made of sapient pear wood it was able to follow it’s owner anywhere. Useful in this case as it’s owner had been all over the Disc, fallen off of the edge of the world, been present at the creation of the Disc and been banished to the dungeon dimension. The Luggage in these circumstances was extrememly useful as, no matter where Rincewind was, he always had a case with his clean underwear in.
It also seemed to have many compartments. It had eaten numerous people before but Rincewind had never seen them inside when he opened the Luggage. Presumably, it had a separate compartment to keep them all in.
Rincewind grabbed a pair of tongs and used them to pick up a jar. He glanced at the motionless man. This should do the trick.
It was a jar of soup. He’d gotten it from Cut – Me – Own – Throat Dibbler in Ankh Morpork, but like most of Dibbler’s foods, he had never dared try to eat it.
He tipped the lump of brown… mush… into a saucepan and held it over the fire. It slowly melted into a brown, lumpy puddle and gurgled as it was heated.
“Are you going to speak or do I have to make you drink this?”
“Umph.”
“Okay.” He came forward with the soup.
It suddenly occurred to Rincewind that this was a very stupid idea. A quivering wreck was of no danger but who knew what would happen when it mixed with Dibbler’s soup?
Th Luggage suddenly dashed in front of him, standing between ‘umph’ and himself.
“It won’t kill him!” Rincewind said. “Out of the way, you!” The Luggage didn’t move. “Do you want him to remain how he is?”
The Luggage reluctantly shuffled away. Rincewind approached the man. He seemed to know something was going to happen because he squeaked again and tried to stand up, but he tripped over.
“Look, if you tell me your name, I won’t give it to you.”
“U – umph?!”
Rincewind pushed the saucepan to the man’s mouth. He winced and closed his mouth firmly. It didn’t stop the smell getting to him though.
“UMPH!” he backed away coughing. “What the heck is that stuff!” he screamed. “I am not drinking that!”
Rincewind grinned. It always did the trick.
“What’s our name?” Rincewind asked.
“Brian,” he said. He stared at the Luggage. He backed away from it as it leaned closer to him. “Um, are you a wizard?”
“Yes,” Rincewind said, proudly. “I’ve got a hat.” He pointed to his red wizard’s hat.
“You spelt wizard wrong,” Brian said. “It’s only got one ‘z’ in it.”
Rincewind gritted his teeth. The Luggage moved closer to Brian. He shuffled away.
“Um, I’ve never seen a wizard before,” Brian said, nervously.
Rincewind raised an eyebrow. He could see an opportunity for fun… “I’m a very powerful wizard,” he lied.
Brian’s eyes filled with fear again. “W – where am I? There aren’t any wizards where I come from.”
Rincewind stared at his glowing magic field. He didn’t have a clue where this man came from but he was certain that trouble would follow.