CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN - I LOVE YOU, I HATE YOU
Slowly his blue eyes flickered open and he focused upon the dark shadows about him. He was cold, freezing cold as an icy wind blew across his body. He moaned as he felt his head aching even more ferociously than usual and then he remembered the Gerai.
“B!” he sat up abruptly and stared about him. He was lying beneath the huge tree he had been sitting under all day as he waited for the Gerai. He should have picked something more open so that he could see if anyone had been sneaking up on him.
His eyes focused upon Brian’s house across the street and he froze as he saw that the door was wide open. “God no,” he whispered. “Please no.”
Suddenly he realised that there was a thick, chequered blanket draped over him. He stared at it with puzzled eyes and then he registered the scrap of paper that had been pushed into his hand. He carefully unrolled it and squinted to make out the messy handwriting in the weak streetlight by the side of the road.
B’s handwriting, nobody else had a scrawl that illegible. He peered closer at it, as if it were some sort of secret scroll that would allow him to see into the heart of the teenager he had tried so hard to be a father to…
Hey, I’m ok so don’t panic. Please just stay away from us. I just… I can’t…. I don’t want to see you again.
B
The paper was slightly damp and he prayed that it was from B’s tears. He prayed that the boy had not meant those words. His eyes were drowning in their own tears now and the writing on the paper was becoming smudged and blurred as they dribbled onto the page.
He slowly leaned back against the tree, remembering the last time he had spoken to B. Spoken? He hadn’t spoken, he’d yelled, shouted, cursed and then he’d been hurt and had awoken to find that B had run away and Sammy kidnapped by Gerai. He held his head in his hands and tried his hardest not to cry again. How had everything turned so ugly and twisted? B was precious to him and yet the boy had ended up hating him.
He wanted B to come home. He wanted him back home again and then he wanted to find Sammy and then he wanted everything to be all right, but it looked as if it might never be all right.
Did B really hated him? They did not get on, but he still loved him dearly no matter how many times the boy yelled at him and screamed and ignored him.
He glanced down at the blanket and clutched it closely, wishing he could have been awake when B was here. They needed to talk, he had to make B see how much he cared about him.
He glanced across at the house again and closed his eyes. He had to compose himself and think logically. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the bulky cell phone he had been using, contemplating whether to send another text message to Brian.
Think… B would probably be scared after the attack, but he was okay according to the note and he couldn’t have been unconscious for that long.
He folded his arms across his chest for warmth, feeling sick as he thought of Brian comforting B. Hatred was welling up inside of him as the jealousy crept through his chest and sprouted off into all directions. B didn’t belong to Brian, B was his.
He glanced down at his watch and rubbed his eyes. He needed to talk to B. He would make him come home. B was juts upset after the argument in their own time… and probably still upset over the last argument, and the argument before that, and the argument before that…
No wonder he preferred Brian to him.
* * * * * * * *
“Nick? Nick, I need a favour from you and no questions asked,” Brian said urgently as his friend finally picked up the phone. Desperately he clutched as if it would somehow relieve some of the desperation that he felt inside.
“Brian? B, what’s wrong?” Nick’s voice asked, slightly tinny from the phone.
Brian jumped slightly at the nickname that was directed at him and he gulped slightly. “Nick, I need you to come and pick Sammy up and take him home with you.” Nick had to come and pick him up, Brian wouldn’t have time to take him down there and a plane ride would draw too much attention to him and B.
“Why? What’s wrong?”
“No questions asked,” Brian said desperately. “Please Nick, I called you because you’re my best friend and I need you to understand. I really need someone to take care of Sammy.”
“All right,” Nick agreed after a moment or so. Just calm down and I’ll go to the airport and get the first flight I can. It should only be a few hours before I’m there.”
Brian closed his eyes in relief, thankful that Nick was always around when he needed him. Kevin or any other of his family would be just too full of questions, questions that would be very difficult to answer convincingly. “Thank you,” he whispered gratefully. “We’ll meet you at the airport.”
“No, I’ll come to yours,” Nick replied. “You sound shaken and you should stay there. I’ll be as quick as I can.”
“Okay… Thank you.”
He could almost hear Nick’s smile and he knew that it would on his face. He could always count on Nick. “Any time Frick.”
Brian replaced the phone and then wiped the fringe back from his forehead trying to ignore the throbbing headache that was building up there. When had being a father become so hard and full of stress? Why did it seem impossible to prevent disaster from hitting B?
“Nick’s coming to pick Sammy up,” he said as he turned to B.
They were sat on the landing outside Sammy’s room so that Brian could be there if Sammy awoke and called for him. There was also now a draft coming through the broken front door and Brian had not wanted B to be subjected to it in his state of health. B was curled up against the wall with a thick, pink blanket wrapped about him as he trembled. The shock had sunk into his body and left him weak and shaking after the experience with the Gerai and his skin had turned paler than ever. His eyes had also been full of tears ever since he had come back inside, but he simply refused to talk about it and would only murmur ‘I hate him’ whenever Brian asked about his friend.
B nodded, but made no reply. He made been quiet ever since he came back inside. Brian sighed and sat down beside him against the wall. “B, go out and talk to him properly,” he whispered. “It’s what you want.”
“How do you know what I want? I don’t want to speak to him! I hate him!”
“You keep saying that, but you don’t mean it!”
“I like you better than him!” B snapped as he covered his head with his blanket. “I wanna stay here.”
Tears were dribbling down his face and Brian reached out to hold him for a second. “I don’t think you do. I think you want to go home and see your brother and your friends.”
It was true and Brian knew it. There had been nothing but trouble for B in this time since he arrived and his sickness had made things even more difficult. He knew B regretted coming here because of what had happened to Sammy and he was melancholy about his friend. He was just scared of facing up to the emotions inside…
B shook his head and more tears were falling. “I miss you in my time.”
But in this time he missed everybody back home… People he had known since he was a baby.
Brian wanted him to stay. He wanted to be able to show B off and treat him as well as he did Sammy. He wanted them both, but he couldn’t have them. There was a knot in his stomach as he realised that this might be his last day with B. The boy had to go home… but Brian’s heart was just terrified of losing him again and shattering as it had done the last time he had left.
“You can’t have both,” Brian said softly as the tears trickled out of his eyes. He clasped B’s hands in his own. “I miss you more than anything when you’re around and I love having you here. It’s been a dream come true, but I know you’re happier in your time.”
B shook his head. “I prefer you to him.”
Brian looked away for a moment. There was something mysterious about B’s friend and it made Brian sick to think that there was someone else to be his father… that was Brian’s job and yet somebody else had it in B’s time.
Brian kissed B on the head but did not reply. “I need to call someone to board up the door and pack Sammy’s things. Why don’t you go to bed and try and get some sleep. You look shattered.”
B miserably stood up and wrapped the blanket about him tighter. He gave Brian a hug, knowing that Brian was going to make him go home soon.
Brian waited until B was in his own room before he allowed even more tears to bubble from his eyes and slide down his cheeks in untidy streams. He climbed down the stairs and glanced about hallway with the broken pieces of door. It had started as a dream the day he found B, but it was spinning into a nightmare now that he couldn’t control. Sammy was missing and Brian could do nothing to help and B was going home to leave Brian with a broken heart again. The boy may have not wanted to go, but Brian was going to have to force him to because the resistance could protect him better than Brian could.
Crying he fumbled through the fat phone book until he found the number of a twenty four hour service that would board up doors and windows. He called and arranged for a person to come and see to the door, knowing that he couldn’t leave it open.
Tyke was sat in the kitchen, having been shut in there for the entire incident. Brian sadly scooped him into his arms and then took him round to his neighbours house, knowing that the old lady there was always more than happy to have Tyke as company while Brian was away. It wasn’t late and she was still up and overjoyed to see Brian because she wanted an autograph for her grandson who lived in England. She was also concerned about the noise she’d heard from Brian’s earlier and the strange man who seemed to kick the door open. Brian merely laughed it off and said it was a friend come to tell him to hurry up before they missed their plane.
He sat by himself in the lounge until the service van arrived and a burly man boarded up the door for him. He tipped him heavily for having arrived so quickly, lying and telling that it had only been a break in which the police had already seen to. He fixed up a temporary door with a lock for Brian which would last until he got it properly replaced. He crossed the things from his list mentally: Tyke, door and Sammy would be the next to go… and finally B. He prayed that he could just have one last day with him though. Just one last day before he never saw him again…
It shouldn’t be right. No father should have to say goodbye to his son forever before death parted them… but Brian couldn’t be much of a father when B was supposed to be kept a secret.
He slowly climbed the stairs and checked on Sammy, pleased to see that his angel was sleeping soundly cuddled up with all his favourite toys. He kissed him on the head and tucked in the loose blanket before checking on B in the next room.
B looked more agitated in his sleep and his face more a worried frown. Brian gently brushed the hair back and kissed him as well.
“I love you so much… why can’t I have you? You’re mine, not his,” he murmured as he though about the strange man who was watching them.
There was no choice though. Deep down, he knew that B wanted to go home and, as harsh as it seemed, Brian had to make him go. He knew B well now and knew that the show of hatred was used to hide the confusion and the hurt inside.
He sat beside him on the bed, letting his tears fall to the pillow. He had wanted B’s visit to be perfect, but it had been nothing but horror and turmoil.
He glanced down at his watch and realised that Nick would probably be arriving soon. He gave B another loving kiss and then slowly closed the door upon him. If only it were as easy to seal the hurtful feelings away as well, or even better, the future that was writ in stone. Time was the one stopping Brian from being a father to B and Sammy.
In Sammy’s room, Brian quietly gathered up some of his clothes and favourite toys trying not to sob or choke on tears as he did so. He seemed to be pushing everyone away at the moment, Sammy, Tyke and soon it would B too. He had to go home.
He carried everything back to his own room and packed them safely into a small travel bag that would be easy for Nick to carry. He wouldn’t be gone long and Brian could pick him form Nick’s in a day or so. Then things would as normal but there would be no B anymore to keep Brian company when Sammy wasn’t around.
He looked down at the packed bag and sealed it up with the zipper before miserably carrying it back downstairs. He curled up on the couch in the darkness, slowly going through everything that had happened since B’s arrival.
Everything had seemed complete when B arrived and he had been so happy to have the void in his heart filled again. He had been so lonely without B and everyday he had wondered how his life would turn out. Now he had come back, but the world was throwing everything it could at them to stop them from being a family.
He pressed a pillow to his chest and then bowed his head as the tears fell slowly and teasingly down his soft cheeks.
“You’re going to make me go aren’t you?” B asked suddenly.
Brian spun around at the sound of the voice and saw that B had entered the lounge and was stood glumly in the doorway. He looked down at the pillow in his hands. “They can look after you in your time, I can’t.” He was no father to B if he was selfish enough to keep him hear, it would be as good as handing him over to the Gerai on a silver platter. That monster would be back for B and no doubt he would brink back up with him.
“Yes you can look after me!” B protested. “You’ve already done this much! Please, don’t force me to go!”
Brian sniffed slightly as a tear rolled onto his cheek. “Tomorrow, I’m going to have a talk with your friend and tell him to come and take you home. It’s what’s best for you.”
“No, no, no!” B cried running over to him and seizing Brian’s hands. “I want to stay!”
“B, you’ve got to stop running away from everything!” Brian said.
“What did I do wrong? Why don’t you want me around anymore?” B asked, tears clogging up his voice.
“You haven’t done anything wrong! I love you! You’re my son!” Brian gripped B’s face in his hands, trying to make the boy see how much he cared about him and how much this was consuming him inside. “But I have to think about what’s best for you.”
B pulled away from him sharply and Brian was slightly stung by the movement as his son shunned him.
“B, please don’t be like this. We’ll probably only have one day left before your friend takes you home. You have to go and make it up with him, you know you want to.”
B was sniffing and they were becoming dangerously louder. He placed his head in his hands and then began to cry. Brian wrapped his arms about him and pulled him onto his lap, B offering no resistance at being babied.
“B look at you!” Brian said, crying as well. “You’re sick and I can’t help you and you want your brother and your friends.”
“I don’t know what I want,” B whispered. “Don’t make me go. I love it here with you. I hate my time. I hate my life!”
Brian kissed him softly on the head, gently smoothing out the unruly curls as he did. “B, I’m going to wait for Nick to arrive and then I’m going to have a talk with your friend. Tomorrow we’ll have a special day together and then you’ve got to go home with him, understand?”
B shook his head. “Don’t make me go!”
“I’m sorry!” Brian sobbed. “I want what’s best for you!”
“You just want me out of your life so that you don’t have the hassle of looking after me!” B screamed accusingly as he sprang to his feet.
Brian was horrified at the statement. That wasn’t true! He just wanted B to be happy! He wanted B to be safe with his adored brother and friends. If Brian could be with him then he would…
Brian shook his head furiously. “That’s not true!” he wailed.
He stood up and tried to approach B, but the boy leapt away and then ran to the door, still crying as he dashed up the stairs to the safety of his own room. Brian tried to follow him but his legs were weak and he found himself falling to the carpet and breaking down like a child.
He loved B, he loved B! B was his son, his little boy just like Sammy. B was his and he should be with him. Why wasn’t that possible? Why was it left up to others to father B? He staggered over to the window and saw that the cloaked man on the opposite side was watching them again. Why could people like him have B and yet Brian couldn’t? He glared out of the window and hoped that the man could see the look of malevolence that was directed at him. It wasn’t fair! B was his!
‘He’s mine, he’s mine! He’s my little boy!’
His. B was his.
And yet he was going to have to give him up. B was his but he couldn’t keep him. B was sick and confused and he needed to face everything he had been running away from. He would never be happy until he did.
He moved away from the window and drew the curtains to seal away the stranger’s eyes. He didn’t care if it was an older Nick out there, he hated them. He hated them because they had what he couldn’t. They had stolen B from him. B had a new father now…
He sat down cramped upon the floor, not daring to go and see B again until he had clamed down. He didn’t wan to hear those accusations again. He didn’t want to be reminded of what he was about to abandon.
He cradled himself and cried his tears into the fluffy carpet. He was a terrible father…
Time slowly crept by and Brian found himself dozing into a twisted world of darkness where B didn’t remember him anymore because B had someone else to call dad who could protect him. He didn’t even recognise Brian…
He started as his ears detected the sound of an approaching car. Carefully he peered through a crack in the curtains and jerked slightly as he saw that the vehicle as dark like the Gerai’s had been. The worry was soon cast aside as he saw the blond head clamber out and ash to the door.
“Nick,” he whispered.
He dried his eyes on his jersey as Nick knocked on the door and then he hurried to open it, anxious not to let Nick wake Sammy up.
“Brian, what the hell happened to your door?” Nick asked as he stared at the boarded door in shock. “Sammy’s not that destructive is he?”
“We had a break in,” Brian said calmly, forcing back all thoughts of B in case they should cause him to break down in front of Nick. Nick would never leave if he thought something was wrong with him.
“What? When?” Nick asked as he closed the door behind him.
“A few hours ago. Sammy was shaken really bad and I think it would be best if he stayed away for a while. I mean, I’m gonna have police here and everything and I think he’s better off out of it.” It was a good lie. It should convince him.
Nick’s eyes narrowed and they scrutinised Brian carefully. “Brian you’re shit at lying so don’t even try. What’s going on?”
“Nick, I said no - ”
“No questions asked I know, but this is serious Brian! You look like hell and you’ve been crying! What’s wrong?” His eyes were wide and full of deep concern. Nick always hated to see his friends upset and no one could be more upset than Brian.
“It was a burglary, nothing else.” Brian could feel his hands turning clammy and the moisture began to gather on his brow as he sweated under Nick’s intense questions.
“Fuck was it!” Nick snapped. He looked as if he might physically grab Brian in a moment to shake the truth out of him but then his voice softened. “I’m worried about you.”
Brian looked away from him. “Nick… I can’t tell you. You know I would tell you if you could but I can’t. I’ve got a friend in trouble and I have to go and see them.”
Nick folded his arms defiantly, clearly not taken in by the lie. “Brian, tell me what’s wrong! I’m worried about you! Are you in danger? People aren’t after Sammy again are they?”
Brian shook his head. “No, not Sammy and not me either.” He sighed, wondering how much he could tell Nick. “A friend is staying with us and they were after him. I have to get him home safely. It will only take a day or so.”
A day or so… that was all the time he had left with B, if the boy would even want to talk to him again. He was convinced that Brian was abandoning him. He felt sick as he thought of the word, he remembered how horrified he had to discover Sammy abandoned on the road and he was doing the same to B, telling him that he couldn’t stay.
He didn’t need Brian though, he had his new ‘father friend’ to look after him in his own time.
“Why didn’t you call Kev or your family? Nick asked as he allowed the information to sink in. Brian could see that he still did not believe him, but he seemed willingly to finally drop it.
‘Because I thought you would be more cooperative than Kevin or the others,’ he thought silently. “Nick, Sammy’s scared and I want him out of here. Will you take him?” He didn’t have time to argue. He had to get Sammy out of here and then sit down and talk to B again.
“Of course I’ll take him,” Nick replied gently. “Just promise me that you’ll be okay. Do you know what Sammy would be like if anything ever happened to you?”
“I’ll be fine,” Brian whispered as he tried to force back the thoughts of his upcoming death. In a few years, Sammy’s world would be shattered as Brian was killed saving his life. “I’ll just go get Sammy. He’s asleep.”
He climbed the stairs slowly and his eyes lingered on B’s door for a moment. He could hear him crying. He really did think that Brian hated him and didn’t want him anymore. If only he knew exactly how Brian felt… if B was aware of the emotions waging war inside of his fragile heart he would finally understand how important he was to Brian.
With wet eyes he slipped into Sammy’s room and quietly whispered in the boy’s ears so as not to startle him when he woke up. “Sammy? Sammy baby, wake up.” He wrapped his arms about Sammy and continued to speak until the blue eyes fluttered open.
“Daddy?” he asked.
“It’s all right, everything’s fine. Nick’s here though and I thought you might like to stay with him for a while I get everything sorted here.”
“Are you going to scare the bad people away?” Sammy murmured sleepily.
Brian smiled slightly. “Yeah, that and I have to take Brendan home.”
“Is he still sick?”
“Very. I need to take him home so that he can get better.”
“Okay,” Sammy replied. He yawned slightly. “Can I say goodbye?”
Such a sweet, simple request but Brian regretfully shook his head as he thought about B’s current state. “He’s still ill and a little shaken after what happened. We’ll leave him to sleep, hey?”
Sammy nodded. “He was really nice,” he murmured as Brian carried him out of the room.
“He’s an angel, just like you,” Brian whispered, giving Sammy a kiss on the head.
He carried Sammy down to Nick and handed him over to the waiting blond. “Take care of him,” he begged.
“I will,” Nick promised. “But remember your promise to me.”
Brian nodded. “Goodbye Sammy, I’ll see you in a few days,” he said holding the little hand in his own for a second.
“Uh huh,” the boy said as he blinked sleepy blue eyes. “Bye bye Daddy.”
Brian handed Rocky to him and then helped Nick to slip Sammy’s bag of clothes over his shoulder. He smiled at Sammy, glad the boy was too sleepy to protest, besides he loved nick and the others and he would be perfectly happy with him. He was too young to understand what was happening and to complain about it.
“I’ll call you tomorrow morning,” Brian said.
“You better,” Nick whispered. “Then you can explain why you have this.” His hand had clasped about the sleeve of the leather jacket that was hanging up, the jacket Nick had given to B. “This was mine and I gave it to the kid I told you about.” The blue eyes had become slightly watery at the betrayal.
Nick was stung and Brian hung his head in shame as he remembered how distraught Nick had been over his encounter with poor B. Nick had been deeply worried about him and had made Brian promise to tell him any information about the boy, but he had come forward with nothing. At least with Sammy here at the moment Nick wouldn’t try to question Brian further.
“He’s fine,” Brian whispered. “I’m going to take him home where he’ll be safe.” It was no use denying the fact, Nick wasn’t that stupid to fall for a lie, not with the leather coat in evidence.
Nick nodded. “Good and tell his father he’s a…” He looked down at Sammy and then mouthed the word ‘bastard’ to Brian. “For losing him in the first place.”
“I’m sure he does feel like one,” Brian assured him, trying not to cry. He was a bastard. He was about to force B away when all he wanted to do was to hold and cuddle him close.
“Ready Sammykins?” Nick asked as he jiggled Sammy in his arms to make the boy giggle.
“Yes. Bye Daddy.” He stretched out a hand and Brian held it to his face and kissed it, tears falling onto the soft skin as he did so.
“I’ll be back with you soon baby.”
“Don’t worry Brian,” Nick said softly. “Everything will be okay.” He looked down at Sammy. “Come one then.”
Everything would be okay… but it never would for Brian. He could never have what he wanted. He knew what the future held.
He watched Nick shut Sammy into the rental car and he waved sadly at both of them. Sammy waved a tiny hand in reply and as the headlights powered up, they illuminated Brian’s pale and despair filled face.
He watched Nick drive away and he breathed a deep sigh of relief. Little Sammy was safe now. Nick would guard him with his life.
He turned back to the house and stared up towards the stairs. He needed to talk to B. Maybe he had calmed down and could see what Brian was trying to do…
He wiped his eyes again, saddened that Sammy was gone again after having only just returned. He always seemed to be losing some part of his family…. Even when he had been in B’s time he had spent most of it fighting to save both B and Sammy from the cold fingers of death that tickled so close to them.
“B, I’m sorry,” he whispered to himself, trying to think of some apology that would dry B’s tears. He bit his lip and then began to climb the stairs. He approached B’s door and then sat down outside of it, not wanting to intrude just yet. “B, I’m sorry okay? I wish we could work this out, I wish I could be there to watch you grow up. I want nothing more than for you to live with me and your brother, but where does it end? If you stay here, then you won’t see your older brother again. He can’t stay here while little Sammy’s around.” He sobbed slightly. “I love you and I just want for you to be all right. I want you to get better and I want you to be happy.” He stared up at the door but received no reply. “B, say something,” he begged.
Slowly the door open and B stood waiting for him, eyes red and thickly swollen from tears and sorrow. Brian stood up and immediately B fell into his arms. Neither of them said anything and Brian did not want to spoil this precious moment where he could just hold B like this and pretend that it would all work out somehow. If he said anything then it would only cause more tears and arguments.
Suddenly there was a knock from downstairs. Brian felt B tense in his arms and both of them stared towards the stairs.
“The Gerai,” B whispered.
“Shush, don’t worry,” Brian soothed. “You just wait here and I’ll go look.”
B nodded and then pulled something from his belt and pressed it into Brian’s hand. He looked down and slowly turned the gun over in his hands that B had taken from the Gerai. He pushed B back into his room and motioned for him to shut the door.
He took a moment to familiarise himself with the weapon and held it firmly in one hand as he jogged down the stairs. There wasn’t even a window in the door for him to see out anymore. He reached out to open the door.
He froze, his hand poised in front of the door handle as a sudden wave of nausea and dizziness passed over him, blurring him to everything except a cloudy darkness that threatened to suffocate him any moment. A part of his mind was begging for him to leave this mystery closed but the intensity of the emotions and feelings had set fire to a deep curiosity and the burned furiously inside of his chest. He had to know…
His fingers trembled as they clasped the door handle and he fought to push back the blur of unnatural sickness to prevent it from bubbling up his throat and into his mouth.
His senses were tingling as something strange flickered inside of his mind and he found himself placing the gun upon the shelf nearby, knowing that he would not need it.
Slowly his clammy hands turned the handle and the door swung open letting in the bitter cold wind of winter that sunk through him and sent shivers prickling along his skin.
A hooded figure awaited him on the doorstep wearing the same long, black cloak he had worn on the first day Brian had seen him. The hood covered the hair and cast a dark shadow over the face.
There was a pause before the figure spoke. “Hi.”
The voice was familiar… too familiar… Brian found his knees going weak as the voice shot throughout his entire body, dissolving every last inch of strength within him. He gripped the door frame for support and clung to it weakly as the recognition finally hit him. He felt sick and disorientated with nausea. This was all wrong… so very wrong…
The man slowly dropped the hood and folded it over his shoulders and Brian found himself staring into a pair of blue eyes, identical to his own. He gasped slightly as he was revealed with what his mind had secretly known all along.
His counterpart stared at him before speaking again in the same southern accent. “Something unnerving about seeing yourself twenty years older isn’t there?”