CHAPTER TWENTY TWO - VICTIM
It was a nightmare world. Everything spun about him as his mind tried to understand what was happening. It was all too fast and despair was maliciously and inevitably eating away inside of him. Despair will always strike when the fear or realisation hits that you could lose something very special and close to your heart.
Sammy’s mouth was dry and his head ached. Strangely though there were no tears threatening to swallow his eyes, only a deep numbness that chilled him and filled him with drowsy pain, gripping and clawing tightly at his soul to send crumpling convulsions. That was all he felt: there was nothing else. He could not feel his beating hard, his lungs as they forced him to breathe to take in oxygen. There was no heat, only an utter chill.
He suddenly felt something soft tangle about his hands and he squeezed B’s hand in return without a single word. Their fingers entangled to support one another and Sammy could feel his little brother’s hand shaking as it clung to him almost frantically.
Sammy pulled B closer to him for a moment as they stared at the entrance to the med centre. Already he could hear the cries of the wounded inside and the frantic shouts of the doctors.
He looked down at B and saw the paleness of his cheeks and the way his green eyes stared horrifically vacant at the doorway. Sammy tried to take a step forward but B did not move. He softly rubbed his fingers. “He might not be here,” he croaked, his throat tight and sore.
B stared up at him, his eyes dull and dishopeful, so devoid of anything but melancholy. They had both heard the explosion on the floor above them a few minutes ago. They had heard the terrible crashing as something heavy fell. Instinctively Sammy had bundled B into his arms to hold him close protectively, but this time it was not B who was hurt. B had not been on the floor where the explosion had initiated…
But Brian had been.
“Come on,” Sammy urged. He tightly held B’s hand and led him forward into the chaos. Immediately B shrunk to his side.
There were screams of agony from one bed and Sammy found his head turning to be met by a man whose face was nothing but a mask of blood that dribbled from stabbing gashes across his cheeks. One leg was full of extra joints while the blood leaked to the ground. His mouth was wide and gaping with a scream while the doctor above him tried desperately to sedate him with a needle.
Sammy forced himself to look away and he heard a slight squeak coming from B’s trembling, pale lips. He drew him close again and then gulped as he glanced about them, praying that they would see Brian looking at them with the usual bright smile upon his face, a beacon of light amidst the suffering.
“Sammy…” B whispered fearfully. He stared up at him and Sammy saw that his face was a sickly shade of grey and his eyes wide and terrified.
“It’s okay…” Sammy soothed. ‘So far so good…’
You should never tempt fate.
“Sammy? B?” a brusque voice said. “This way…”
Sammy turned and something seemed to crack inside as he saw the doctor’s concerned face. He could feel coldness seeping through the cracks in his heart to pull it further and further apart. His stomach wanted to force it’s way up his throat and into his mouth, drenching him with dread that sunk so heavily and painfully.
B shook his head. “No,” he begged. His voice was a desperate sob and all the strength was suddenly sucked from his body as his hand turned limp in Sammy’s. “No!” He stared up at Sammy, the innocent eyes suddenly overburdened with heavy tears. A sob burbled from his mouth and Sammy felt his blood freezing in flashing pain as his brother began to crumple before his eyes.
His arms wrapped about B and pulled him close just in time to stop him from slumping to his feet. “Ssshhh,” he soothed as he rocked B against his chest. His own jaw was trembling with the truth.
“This way,” the doctor said sympathetically.
B shook his head and shrunk away. “No!” he sobbed, as if by not seeing it he could somehow stop it from being true. He pulled himself out of Sammy’s arms, suddenly leaving them empty and lonely, as he begun to back away, tears sliding slowly down his cheeks.
“B,” Sammy gripped his arms tightly, refusing to let him back away. He sniffed slightly to keep his own awakening grief away. “Don’t you dare let me go through this alone,” he begged quietly.
He could not cope with the pain of losing Brian again… Brian was his saviour. The one who had been there when he had been cold and alone on the road. He could not bear sitting by the bed if he did not have B with him.
B stared at him and his eyes slowly travelled about the crowded room where the people anxiously dashed about them. People were still moaning in pain while some sobbed as they clung to hands of pale and lifeless ghostly creatures.
Sammy turned back to the doctor, forcing himself to gulp although it seemed to do nothing to clear the thick block inside of his throat. “How bad?”
The doctor began to lead them to the far end of the med centre. Sammy followed with B’s hand back in his own as he dragged him behind him.
“Severe head injuries, broken arm, broken ribs…”
Sammy felt sicker by the minute. Each word was just a word… but it had the power and the strength to hammer stakes harder and harder into his mind while his throat grew tighter. ‘Dad…’ He wanted to cry so badly. ‘Not again…’ He had been through this pain once and he did not want it again.
“… And he’s in a coma,” the doctor concluded.
He stopped at the bottom of a bed, but for a moment he dare not look upon it. He turned to face the doctor. “Will he wake up?” he whispered. B’s fingers were holding his so tightly now and he could hear his brother’s ragged breathing mingled with choking cries.
The doctor met his gaze for a moment before looking away. Sammy felt B lean his head against his shoulder and he reached a hand back to place it securely on his shoulder.
“I don’t know,” the doctor replied softly.
“Can’t be happening…” B whispered.
Everything was numb inside apart from his burning heart which was slowly shattering.
“I’ve stabilised him as much as I can, We’ll see what time has in store for him.” He looked at the two of them, his eyes burning with sympathy, especially for B. Everybody knew B and everybody knew Brian and everybody knew what they meant to each other even when they were shouting at each other. “I’ll leave you with him. I have to see to other patients.”
“How many others?” B asked softly.
“A lot. The walls surrounding the dining area collapsed and a lot of people were in the surrounding areas.” He nodded at Brian. “He was lucky, the wall just missed him. Only a few rocks fell onto him. He could have been crushed alive.”
B’s eyes widened and Sammy placed an arm about him. “Thank you doctor,” he said swiftly, not wanting B to dwell too long on what he had just said.
His heart ached with sorrow. A coma? He was shaking… how could God be so cruel? No yes or no, but agonising waiting. He looked across at B, his face ashen like that of a tombstone.
Sammy looked across at the bed before them, the one inside covered with a thick, green blanket but spattering the surface he could see the darker stains of blood. He turned away for a moment, still holding onto B tightly as if he could somehow stop them both from hurting.
B finally broke away and his head turned towards his father. For a long moment he did not say anything, only stared at him. Sammy doubted if either of them were able to believe that this shade had once been so full of life.
“Let me go first,” B pleaded, his voice low and fractured with a sniffle.
Sammy nodded, but his arms suddenly felt heavy and it was difficult to release B. He had treasured him all of his life and had always tried to keep gruesome pain and suffering away from his gentle soul. Sammy remembered exactly what it had felt like to lose Brian once in an accident and they had both felt the same pain when he left them last time, but that had only been for a brief time. Sammy knew that the sorrow would full like a thick cloud to drown them this time and he wanted to protect B form that… but he couldn’t. This was a pain that Sammy could not shelter him safely from.
Finally he disentangled his arms and they fell limply at his sides, as if everything had died within him. He could see one of Brian’s pale arms above the blanket, scored with streaks of blood and red and black sore bruises. He was broken, shattered… How could this happen again?
B slowly approached Brian’s bedside, his hand leaving Sammy’s behind. Sammy allowed him to go, knowing somehow that B would have to face this. You could never run from this. This pain would be a constant plague upon the heart that would eat at it like some kind of deranged, unseen cancer until you broke in the fading light.
Sammy leaned closer and saw that Brian’s left arm was wrapped in a sling, juts resting above the blood stained blanket. He took another tentative step until he felt his heart lurch frantically as anguish gushed in to drown it in dark, crushing waves. The face, once so handsome and lively, was now scratched with glistening cuts and gashes that throbbed in swollen and sore skin. The figure Sammy had always adored and idolised was now fractured and half destroyed. It was like he was already looking into a stolen tomb or a dark coffin at a pale and ruined face where the eyes would never open again. He had once hear that the dead looked peaceful, almost as if they were secure and sleeping in the land of pleasant dreams and visions, but this soul was tormented and encaged in some brutal reality no one was aware of.
Tears slid down Sammy’s face and then he looked up to where B now stood by Brian’s side. He watched his brother’s reaction, knowing there was no comfort for either of them. Both of them saw the same thing, someone loving torn away from them.
B’s tears shamelessly fell as he reached out and clasped Brian’s hand, holding it gently within his own as if afraid it might break. He seemed to want to pull his father from whatever dark world his mind had slipped into.
B looked so confused, not understanding why his parents were always snatched away from him. He did not remember his mother much and Sammy knew that he cried inside because of it, that was why he had always been so desperate to cling onto Brian. Even in anger and fury he had wanted Brian’s approval.
It was enough to rip the soul into shreds to think that he may never receive that now or fully realise that B was a precious diamond to Brian who he had cherished so lovingly. They’d still had so little time together…
B’s eyes were fragile and watery in his face, so child like and alone…
Sammy pushed the sob down into his stomach as he dragged his feet to stand beside his brother and tortured father. It did not seem right, they had come through so much to be together. B needed both of them and he deserved a family just for one portion of his life, but now what they had built together was crumbling as the dark waves of fate washed it away like meaningless grains of sand.
He looked over at B, his eyes obscured by a veil of tears as they rested in a red and grey face, mingled and ruined by terrible emotions that threatened to destroy him. B had never had Brian read to him, he had missed out on the essential childhood. He could not even have Brian now after everything.
B sniffed and seemed to quiver, as if his watery frame would fall any second. A faint, weak whimper escaped him.
In one step Sammy made sure he had him in his arms, wrapping him tightly as B released Brian’s hand, knowing he could not bring him back. B pressed his face into Sammy’s shoulder and began to sob. More tears fell from Sammy’s own eyes and his arms locked about B as his own sob finally came. He wanted to protect him, but he couldn’t… He could not even hold off his own tears. He looked down at Brian and closed his eyes away from that ghost face and mind that was so far away.
“I never spoke to him!” B sobbed. “I never made up with him!” he wailed.
“Ssshhh,” Sammy whispered. “It’s okay…” Although he had no idea how it would ever be okay again. He kissed B on the head, trying to show him that he was still here and always would be. He would take care of B even in his own dying breath. B had always been his little angel, his little brother to take care of and love.
Sammy stared at Brian one more. ‘If this is the end, I’ll take care of him,’ he promised hi father silently. He had made it years ago when he first realised that B would be born without a father. Sammy would take care of him and give him everything he could to make up for Brian’s death. That role had since doubled when their mother was killed.
Brian had been an exceptional father to Sammy. He had shown him that he could have fun instead of being permanently afraid and lonely. Brian would have been amazing to B. Brian loved kids and B had been the sweetest child. Sammy had always vowed that he would treat him as he imagined Brian would have done.
He rubbed B’s back soothingly and hushed him quiet when he began to sob a string of guilt filled words. Sammy rocked him gently, soothing him as best as he could with his own bleeding love. With Sammy B had always come first every time. He had read to him, played with him and taught him everything. Nothing was ever considered without taking B into account as well. Now B was back in his arms but this time he wasn’t crying over a scarped knee, but a broken heart that could never fully heal.
“He’s not dead,” Sammy whispered, trying to sow the seeds of hope that could still yet blossom and flourish to give life. “He might wake up.”
B lifted his head, but there was nothing hopeful in his eyes. He held his brother’s gaze for a moment and Sammy tried his hardest to absorb that pain from his eyes but B eventually looked away, still vacant and pain consumed. He pressed his head against Sammy’s chest. “It’s my fault,” he whispered.
“This is no one’s fault. We don’t even know what caused the explosion,” Sammy replied. All he knew was that Darren and the other seniors had immediately cleared the area and issued a search for anything else dangerous. Most people had been sealed back into the security caverns again until the cause of the accident was determined.
“It was the Gerai!” B said viciously. “It was them and it’s all because of me!”
“Stop it!” Sammy snapped. He seized hold of B’s shoulders firmly as the boy attempted to pull away. “This is not your fault, nothing is your fault so stop blaming yourself!” Tears were streaming so fast and unstoppable now.
“But it is!” B screamed. “Everything is because of me! He was up there because I wouldn’t let him come near me! It’s my fault and now he’ll hate me even more!” B was sobbing and heaving in convulsions that shook him.
“B!” Sammy grabbed him again, frightened that he might pass out any moment. B wailed against his shoulder again, his fingers digging into Sammy’s arms so tight that he could feel them leaving painful bruises, but he did not care. All he cared about was soothing the one in his arms who so desperately needed it. “It’s not your fault, you didn’t know,” he whispered as he kissed him on the head. “I don’t blame you.”
“Why was I so horrible?” B whispered.
“It’s normal B, people argue with their parents and sometimes things like this happened,” he said gently. “It’s never anyone’s fault.”
“I want him back,” B whimpered.
“So do I.”
“Why does this always happen to us? Why am I cursed?” B’s voice was vacant and his eyes wide with shock. He reached hand out to Brian. “Dad…”
Sammy turned away for a moment, unable to stand seeing B’s tearful face calling to Brian for help in vain.
“We’ll get through this. Me and you,” Sammy whispered.
B turned to him and then wrapped his arms about his brother again. They had come through everything. Always it was the two of them. There were others to help like Nick, Kevin and Darren, but somehow it was always just the two of them.
“My fault…” B murmured. “I wish I could have told him…”
‘That he loved him.’ Sammy knew exactly that those were the unspoken words.
“Just once,” B said in his murmurous voice. He didn’t know what to do or say with shock still freshly roaming his body.
“I’m sure he knew,” Sammy lied with a tight throat.
B said nothing and broke away from Sammy to shakily pull a stool from the corner to sit by Brian’s bedside where he clasped his hand again.
Sammy leant down beside him. “You need to rest. It’s a shock and you’re ill.”
“I wanna stay,” B said stubbornly.
Sammy nodded, knowing it would be cruelty to tear him away now. He clasped B’s hand for a moment to squeeze it reassuringly and kissed his cheek. “You stay here then and I’m going to see if I can find out what happened.”
Without having been told, Sammy knew instinctively that B wanted to be alone with Brian and perhaps pretend that everything was going to be all right.
“Thank you,” B whispered as he rested his head against the edge of the bed.
Sammy rubbed his shoulders and then stood up straight. He stared at Brian’s face. How could the world change so much in such a short time?
H glanced down at B with his own raw and sore eyes. “Be back soon BB,” he said softly.
B nodded, his fingers still curled with Brian’s.
Sammy turned away from their private little corner back to the horrors of the med centre. Similar scenes surrounded him. The injured or the dying lie beds with people sobbing by their sides in the despairing knowledge that they could do nothing to help or relinquish their pain.
It was a little calmer now with fewer people anxiously dashing from bed to bed to help the wounded. The few doctors that had not left the base after the war had been declared ‘over’ were still desperately trying to help others. On the far side Sammy also saw that Nick had turned up as well. At first he had ordered Sammy and B to stay where they were while he went to the source the explosion to discover what was happening. He had later sent a runner to them to explain to them the situation… that a bomb had gone off and that someone had reported seeing Brian.
He took one last mournful glance at B and Brian together, such a perfect father and son in so many ways.
He slumped down into an untaken seat and held his head in his hands, tears still shaking him. He had always wanted Brian to see him grow up. He had wanted Brian to be proud of him and he wanted him to see the future that he had given to Sammy. He’d wanted him to be proud and pleased that he had adopted him. He could still recall some memories as clearly as if he were looking through a glass window into the past. Him, six years old, and Brian reading him a story before kissing him goodnight. Brian had been everything, Brian had given him a family…
How had this happened? Of all the places the explosion could have happened, it had to have been near Brian.
Tilting his head he could still see B and he closed his eyes in painful remorse. His stomach was wobbling inside of him and was constantly creased with crumpling pain. What would happen to B now? He was on the very edge of a drop and Sammy did not know if he could reach him in time. B needed Brian. B was already falling to pieces with recent events and now…
He tried to calm his sobs and he kept his head down, not wanting B to realise what was happening. Everything hurt so much inside of him. He could not breathe anymore without quivering in pain that throbbed so harshly.
He could see Brian’s face inside of his mind, those eyes always sparkling and his arms always welcoming. He could see himself as a terrified child not understanding the danger he was in and then Brian…
‘Ssshhh, I’ll take care of you.’
He wanted that now… He wanted Brian to wake up…
An arm was suddenly draping about his shoulders as someone softly embraced him. Sammy raised his head to see the blonde framed face and he leaned against Nick’s shoulder knowing he would fall if he didn’t.
“I’m sorry,” Nick murmured. “We’ll do everything we can.”
Sammy nodded, but the hopeless thing was that there was almost nothing anyone could do. It was up to Brian in the clutches of the coma to fight his own path to consciousness, but Sammy didn’t know if he was strong enough anymore… he was scared he wouldn’t be.
“What about the others?” Sammy asked numbly as he stared at the scene before him.
Nick pulled away and sat down beside Sammy. “While I was there we dug another eight live people from the wreckage, and three dead. When I got here, I found we’d lost another six. The rest of them seem to be okay and we’ve stabilised everyone now, but Brian…” he trailed off.
Sammy lowered his head. “You don’t know,” he whispered.
“The other doctors stopped the internal bleeding. He was lucky they found him so quickly, but now we can only wait. If I could do more I could but - ”
“But you can’t,” Sammy concluded softly.
Nick slowly shook his head and then stared towards his friend’s bed. Sammy watched the sorrow drenching his eyes as he saw B perched by his side, almost begging for Brian to wake up.
“How are you both?” Nick whispered.
Sammy had one hand against his face, as if trying vainly to shield his own pain from everybody else around him. Around him he could hear the moans of the suffering, those who had been in the rooms adjoining the dining area and had been hurt when the bomb exploded. There were tears as well as people clung to the sides of loved ones, begging for them to grace the world with their eyes and living faces. They would eventually but Sammy and B had a much more horrific wait.
He glanced across at Brian’s bed and he felt his throat closing and constricting as grief began to choke and silence him.
Nick gently rubbed his shoulder. “We’re all going to be here for you Always.”
Sammy still said nothing, not trusting himself to remain calm if he did. The treacherous sobs would find their way into his throat and he would be left crying hopeless tears that could do nothing to improve the situation.
He thought of Brian and everything he had ever done for him, which was quite literally everything. Brian had raised him, taken care f him. He could still remember being on a cold road with a dark black sky looming overhead before he had almost been run over by a bus. Out of all that fear Brian had appeared as his guardian angel to swoop down from heaven and rescue him.
His angel was fast fading now as if the every fires of hell were burning those fragile wings. The tears came like a pale cloud of melancholy and Sammy found Nick’s arm around him as the blonde embraced him.
“Don’t give up,” Nick said. “There’s still hope.” He held out a tissue for Sammy. “I know it’s hard, but you gotta take care of BB.”
He nodded. He knew B would need him more than ever to help him come to terms with this. He would have to move into B’s room temporarily, just to make sure he didn’t fall into that oppressive chasm of despair. It was difficult though when all Sammy could think about was Brian.
Sammy gratefully took the tissue that was offered to him to dry his nose and then he leaned supporting on Nick’s shoulder. He had always been close to Nick, he had always adored Sammy and Sammy returned that adoration.
“I’m worried about B,” Sammy whispered miserably. B was already agitated and upset over recent events. He needed his family.
“What do you mean?” Nick murmured. “He’s a strong kid.”
Sammy shook his head. “But it’s all too much for him… He can’t cope.”
“He’s got you.”
But was that enough? What B really wanted was his father’s love and approval and now he might never have it. All B was sure about was the guilt inside of him.
“He blames himself… He hates himself for everything that happened between him and Dad.”
Nick sighed. “It’s always the same when you lose someone, you regret everything you never said or did say. It’s natural and, if the worst happens and I pray to God it doesn’t, then he will get over it.”
“I don’t think he will. You have no idea how much he loathes himself.”
“Sammy?” a voice ventured tentatively.
Sammy stared up at the doctor before him and slowly wiped his eyes as he sat up straight. “Yes?”
“Sammy,” the doctor said seriously. “I need to talk to you about something. I didn’t want to do it with B here in case it frightened him. I’ll leave it up to you whether to tell him or not.”
Sammy nodded and he felt suddenly dead. He could hear his heart once again, hammering and punching the inside of his chest in fear at what was to come. His fingers gripped the sides of the chair he was on and he felt the sweat gathering there as he trembled.
‘Don’t let there be no hope… Please God, just be nice…’
The doctor knelt down in front of him and touched his hand for a moment. “It’s not bad news in that way,” he assured him. “I just wanted to tell you about one of the wounds on his leg.”
“What do you mean?” Nick asked harshly. “He will be able to walk if he wakes won’t he?”
Sammy was still almost drunk on the relief that spun about his head and turned everything dizzy. But suddenly he caught on to Nick’s words. ‘If?’ Sammy was bowing his head again, but the sudden pain vanished as the doctor reassured them both.
“Yes, he will walk, but I wanted to tell you that it was caused by a laser blast.”
“What?” Sammy murmured. “How?”
“I don’t know,” the doctor replied. “I just wanted to tell you and I have to tell Darren. It looks like he was attacked and he might know something about who set off the explosion, we already know it was caused by a bomb.”
“There might still be Gerai here,” Sammy suddenly realised. He glanced across at B. He might be all that Sammy had left now and he was never going to let anyone take him. His hands clenched and he gritted his teeth. Someone had wanted Brian to die and Sammy would make sure they paid for it.