CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR - SAMMY'S LOSS

The walls were drawing apart. They crept closer and closer away with each minute to fill the desolate room with even more emptiness. The air was thinning out as well, making it more difficult to breathe. He wasn’t even sure if he wanted to breathe anymore.

His chest ached so deeply with pain that it was becoming harder to draw breaths. Each time he did breathe it sent a shuddering throb throughout his body. He felt so small and alone beside this bed, even though another living person lie within it breathing softly and slowly. He had never been lonely before… He wanted to scream. He wanted to scream and kill whoever had brought this down upon him. Instead though he remained calm, like he always had done. The unpleasant feelings were wrapped in a box and put away unseen by others. He could not break. He had to hope still.

He wiped his eyes on the back of his hand and then glanced down at Brian’s pale face on the bed, the lips grey like a that of stone. The cheeks were devoid of any rosy health and he was beginning to wander if he was staring at a corpse. Without the regular, quiet breaths you might not know the difference.

In one hand he clasped the unmoving fingers of his sleeping father, trying not to think about what was truly wrong with him. He tried to believe that he was only sleeping and that he would wake soon. Hope had to have some power…

“Please wake up,” Sammy whispered softly. “I need you now. We have to find B.” He waited but the fingers did not squeeze his own and there was no sign that Brian knew or recognised the voice that was entering his ears.

Sammy gulped slightly, but no tears leaked from his eyes. They had cried so many tears recently that there was almost nothing left inside of him. When he looked in the mirror he saw a ghost instead of a living human. He did not feel alive inside anymore. He felt only coldness and loneliness.

“How could he leave me?” he whispered. “B, how could you?” Faint words of unbelief, in belief that he was now alone.

The walls were drawing apart and drawing the life out of him. The place felt empty like a mortuary or a graveyard. There was nothing to feel here except the waning life before him. He could see him drifting away more every moment. And he could do nothing.

He raised his head and his free right hand slowly unclenched to reveal the crumpled scrap of paper he had read so many times in the last few hours. It was damp now and falling apart, the words upon it blurred and faint. He uncrumpeld it and smoothed it out his eyes tracing the familiar writing. He could even remember teaching B to write…

‘Sammy, I know that everything that has happened is because of me. I don’t want to stay here and watch people get hurt; it could be you next and you’re the only family that I have left. Sammy, if anything ever happened to you because of me…

It’s all my fault. I should have gotten on better with dad, I should have been more what he wanted in a son. I should have been more like you. Now he’s hurt and it’s because of me. I can’t stay here.

Please don’t worry about me. I know where I’m going and I know I’ll be safe there because no one will find me. I’ll look after myself and I promise I’ll be back. I wouldn’t leave you. I just need to get away. Please take care of dad.

I’m sorry…

Love B
XX’

Sammy’s eyes flickered closed and he found himself scrunching the note up again in his hand. He should have seen this coming. He knew B blamed himself, he should have kept a closer eye on him. He should have…

But he had not done any of those things and now B was gone. How could he blame himself? How could he fell that Brian hated him? B was a little star to Brian’s eyes…and to Sammy’s? Where was he now? He promised he would be safe but how could he possibly guarantee that when the Gerai were so ruthless?

He had practically raised B, his adored little brother. He had sat with him when he was sick, held him when he cried and rocked him in his arms. He had watched him grow more and more everyday since he was a baby. He was responsible for him and now he had lost him. B had run away and Sammy could not protect him if he couldn’t find him.

“Sammy?” a voice asked, careful in case it disturbed him.

Sammy raised his head slightly, but did not turn. “Have you found him?” he murmured, his eyes still watching Brian.

“We looked and - ”

“You didn’t did you,” he whispered. He squeezed Brian’s hand one last time and turned to face the speaker. “Where is he Nick? I want him back.”

Nick’s eyes were haunted, despairing in the fact that he could not help his younger friend. He looked away from Sammy, his own eyes red ringed. “I’m sorry…”

Sammy glanced down at his watch. “He’s been gone twenty two hours and no one has seen him. What if they took him?”

Nick shook his head. “B’s not stupid. He tells you he knew somewhere safe to go, I believe him. He wouldn’t want to worry you. He wouldn’t have gone if he didn’t have somewhere in mind.”

“He’s a kid Nick and he’s B! He does things without thinking! You can’t guarantee that he’ll be safe.” B often thought he knew what he was doing when in fact he did not have a clue. Sammy placed a hand to his face and closed his eyes as he felt them growing heavier with water. “What am I gonna do?” he whispered. He was trembling, his whole body numb with pain. If he could cry anymore he would be on his knees. He would be on his knees crying for his father and brother.

There was a hand on his shoulder. “He’ll come back. He’d never leave you… Or Brian.”

Sammy opened his eyes and looked across at Nick’s hand. “You don’t know that. Anything could happen and that world isn’t safe for him.” B was such a delicate person in this cruel world of evil intent. He knew so little.

Nick pulled up one of the stools to take a seat beside Sammy. “He made you a promise in that note. He will come back and he will have gone somewhere safe. He would not venture out unless he knew he would be okay.”

“But we’ve looked everywhere!” He could almost feel his head ready to explode with hot, pounding pain that was tearing him apart. Numbness was disappearing now to be replaced with sickness that rumbled inside of him ominously. It had not taken Sammy long to realise that B was gone and Darren had sent out search parties that very minute, but no one knew where he was. Howie’s daughter had confessed to seeing him but had no idea where he was planning to go. “I want him back. I want them both back.” He looked down at Brian and held his hand to his face dearly. He could remember being ill and confined to bed with a feverous head and aching tummy. He could remember crying in pain and fear while Brian sat beside him, held his hand and soothed him. ‘You did everything for me…’

“He’s not gone Sammy,” Nick said gently.

“And he’s not awake yet. What if he doesn’t…?”

“Shush, don’t say that. You have to keep hoping. B left him in your hands and he wants you to look after him.”

“I can’t do this on my own,” Sammy replied weakly. He was dying inside. His organs were crumpling like old leaves and being washed away on waves of black and blue melancholy. He was terrified of losing Brian again and now there was another whole within him as he thought of his precious little brother, his little lifeline that had picked him back up after Brian’s death.

Sammy had thought he would die then. He had locked himself in his room and cried silently into a pillow while he thought of him. He had cradled one of Brian’s old jerseys and cuddled it to his chest tightly. Pain had almost destroyed him. He had not been able to eat, sleep or think without screaming.

And then the baby had been born, a little brat that wailed anytime Sammy went near him. He had been left with that instead of his father. That was the way he had felt until Kevin had forced him to pick him up and for the first time ever the echoing mouth had actually silently shut. B had ceased being a crying, screaming brat that second he had giggled up at Sammy and cuddled against his chest before going to sleep. He became Sammy’s best friend after that. There was no time for heartache when he had to help his sweet mother look after the baby. B had never been easy to handle but he had always behaved better with Sammy.

Sammy lowered his head, seeing a little blonde child in his mind’s eye that smiled up at him and asked for a hug. B was no longer that little but he was still so lost and vulnerable. Sammy still had to take care of him.

Nick rubbed his hands against his shoulders. “You’re not on your own. You’ve got us. We’ve brought you this far and we’re not going to abandon you or B. We’ll keep looking, but it doesn’t look as if he wants to be found.”

He could feel the words cutting his skin and tearing through his flesh. Why would B not want him around? Why wouldn’t B let himself be found?

“How is Bri doing?” Nick asked after a few moments as if desperate to replace the heavy silence with words.

Sammy reached out to stroke his face for a moment and his eyes lingered on the tubes that dug into his arms and legs to feed him intravenously and to monitor his progress. “No change,” Sammy said miserably. “The other doctors don’t hold out much hope.” How could they after everything Brian had been through? He had a breathing problem from the dusty mines and an irreparable rib that had healed wrongly inside and a bad back. He had already been bent and battered and crushed. How could he survive again?

“He’ll live. He’s fought through too much to give in now. We won’t let him give in,” Nick said determinedly. He reached out and touched a hand against Brian’s arm. “Come on Bri…”

Sammy stared up at the ceiling, as if he could find meaning there. There had to be something somewhere that was controlling what was happening to him. “Why isn’t B here? He should be here… What will I tell dad when he wakes up?” he could already see Brian’s tearful eyes and see the pain flashing through his eyes and ripping him apart like it was doing to Sammy right now. “It would kill him if he knew B had ran away because of him.”

Nick said nothing for a few minutes, concentrating on checking Brian’s vital readings, seemingly looking for an improvement. He pulled back, patting Brian’s arm once more. “They’ll click someday… and hopefully B will be back soon.”

Sammy nodded hopefully and then carefully released Brian’s limp hand and tucked it beneath the blanket. “Hang in there,” he begged.

“How’s Lori with all this?” Nick asked.

Sammy closed his eyes for a moment. He admitted he had been neglecting her lately, but also knew that she understood completely why he had to spend time with his family. She liked B, cared about him even. She had cried when Sammy had told her that he was missing, but nothing could have matched the way he felt.

Suddenly Sammy saw Nick staring behind them and he turned his head to see a dark haired man slowly coming towards them, a tattered bag in one hand.

“Darren!” Sammy cried hopefully. He jumped to his feet and then froze as he saw the paleness of the older man’s face. He gulped slightly and his eyes locked with the frozen orbs of Darren. He could see them melting in sadness and sympathy. His palms began to sweat and he felt light and dizzy. He wanted to wake up and find it was a nightmare… He had lived through too many nightmares only to find they had been reality. This would be no different.

Darren placed the old rucksack down onto the ground. “We found this. It was B’s.”

Sammy’s mouth was dry. “Certain?” he whispered.

Darren nodded and then pulled some pictures from it and handed them to Sammy. Slowly he extended a weak hand to grip them and found himself staring into his own eyes. Beside him were his missing family members. He held it to his chest, as if somehow he could keep them both safe through the photograph.

“Where’s B then?” Nick asked, daring to ask the question that Sammy’s heart was so afraid of.

“We can’t find him…” Darren replied softly. He stared at Sammy. “We know there was a Gerai or a traitor in the base who set the bomb Sammy.”

The coldness was almost strong enough to push him form his feet and his stomach had suddenly spawned a huge hole filled with rippling sickness. Nick was wrapping his arms about him and Sammy clung to him madly, knowing that he would be falling to his knees without Nick and throwing up everything inside to try and diminish the pain.

“Where?” Nick asked.

“The lower areas of the base. It looked as if he was heading for one of the back exits. There was blood on the floor, B’s and someone else’s.”

“He fought back,” Sammy whispered in relief. He looked up from Nick’s shoulder. “He might have run off scared. We have to send search parties!” He could see B, bleeding and running from some monster that was chasing him. They had to find him. Now.

“We already have them.”

“Well we need more!” Sammy screamed. “I want to take one out myself!”

Nick gently drew away from him and held his shoulders. “Sammy, you’re in no state to go out there. You’ll only upset yourself even more,” he said compassionately.

“And staying here won’t upset me anymore?” Sammy said as he pointed at Brian. “Seeing him and knowing that I’ve lost B won’t upset me? I want to do something!”

“All right,” Darren agreed. “But I want you to take a few minutes to calm down while you get a team ready. You look outside, and I’ll look in here, okay?”

Sammy nodded, tears streaking down his face. “Okay,” he whispered. “Okay…”

‘Hang on bumbleB, I’m coming.’

Sammy could do nothing to help their father, but he could help in finding his brother at least before something even more tragic happened.

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