CHAPTER FORTY SEVEN - BEGINNING OF HOPE
It seemed to feel cold no matter where Brian went. He had been cold in the med centre and even the physical exercise of walking through the base to Darren's office had not left him feeling any warmer. He still felt numb. He wasn't even sure if the sensations were caused by the temperature of his surroundings though.
Now he was seated in a wooden chair opposite Darren who was sat on the other side of a worn table. There was a compact computer at one end and a huge stack of files and electronic notepad readouts. Now they had all been swept to one side. The war was over. There was no need to steady Gerai information anymore.
The older man had tinges of grey running through his dark hair that Brian had never noticed before. They must have been there since Brian's first arrival, but it was only since Bri's death that Brian had begun to notice the aging of the world and his friends around him. He remembered how Bri had looked, or rather how he would look in the future. Bri's face had been creased with faint lines that had been caused by years of toil and worry. Would he look exactly the same in twenty years time?
"Nick tells me you're doing well," Darren said, finally breaking the silence between them. Neither had said a word beyond 'hello' since Brian had arrived at the office.
Brian nodded slightly and offered a small smile, though he knew that it must have looked pathetic. "I guess."
Darren was watching him intently. Eventually he sighed and dropped his eyes to stare at the grooves on his desk. "I'm not sure what to say," he murmured. "Bri seemed indestructible. He'd come through so much already. Every time we thought we'd lost him, he'd surprise us." He shook his head and placed a hand over his face for a moment. Brian could almost see the stress etching more lines across Darren's face.
What Darren said was true. Bri had survived through more than he should have. Maybe that's why it had been inevitable that he fall on that cliff in Brian's mind. He'd fought too much already and he'd been tired.
"He was a good man. A good friend," Darren continued. "It wasn't the same after we lost him the first time and it won't be the same now."
And Brian knew that his own life was going to be affected. He didn't know how to accept everything that had happened. Bri was his friend. He couldn't comprehend ever becoming him. He was still confused after his conversation with Nick as well. There seemed to be so many paradoxes whirling around that his mind was tying itself into knots.
"I don't know what to do either," Brian confessed. "And I don't think anyone can help me understand any of what's happened." Nick had tried to help him but still Brian did not know what would happen when he returned to his own time. "I've seen my entire future. How do I react to that?" Damn it, he'd seen his own death, even though he couldn't accept it as his own. Maybe his mind wouldn't let him accept it.
Darren raised his head again. "I don't think anybody can explain it to you fully. You were never meant to see the things you did. You were never meant to connect with Bri the way you did. Your relationship with him was doomed to failure. It wasn't supposed to happen. That's why I tried to keep you both separate. The doctors advised me to keep you away from one another. You're not supposed to know your future self. It's too much for the mind."
"But it's happened!" Brian blurted out. "And we can't change it. I have to deal with it." His voice was bitter. He didn't know how to deal with it. His face was crumpling and his eyes had grown heavy. Suddenly every part of his body felt as if it were made of jellified water that would liquefy any second. He was falling apart. "Is this really my future?" he whispered. His voice quivered. "I come back to be with B and Sammy and it all goes wrong?"
The older man leaned forward, his face shrouded in sympathy and concern. "Don't think of it like that! Bri came back to us, yes. I don't know how but he did. He should have died in 2012. I think he was meant to die then but by some miracle he lived. He came back and he was here long enough to save both B and Sammy. Could you have saved them on your own?"
Numbly Brian shook his head. He wouldn't have been allowed to help. He had no doubt that Nick and the others would have done everything in their power, but would that have been enough?
He thought over Darren's words. Brian didn't know what had happened in 2012. All he knew was that he'd 'died' saving Sammy. Beyond that he knew nothing. It had to have been something catastrophic though to make his friends believe he'd had no chance of survival. He remembered on his first visit to this time that he'd suffered from dreams and he'd begun to wonder if they were reminiscent of his death, but he couldn't remember them much now or recall them, despite knowing they had been vivid at the time.
"It sounds as if you're saying all of this was fated to happen," Brian said eventually. "Bri's miraculous survival and him coming back just when you needed him most. That's idealistic. I see it the other way around. Bri had just escaped from the mines and was beginning to live again when everything went wrong. It's not heroic fate, it's a tragic life story."
Darren shrugged, indicating that Brian could think what he like. "He was heroic though. Sammy told me. Bri blocked the shot that was supposed to kill both B and Sammy. He arrived just in time. And you arrived just in time to help Bri in that base. Without you he might not have made it in time."
There was a thumping pain in Brian's head adding to his disorientation. He had a feeling that everybody was trying to console him in some way by talking of time travel and way things have worked out, but it only made him more frustrated. "What are you trying to do, Darren? Are you trying to tell me something?"
The resistance leader was leaning on his hands. "I want you to see that your future is not as desolate as it seems. You save your family. You will give them a life."
"Bri did!" Brian snapped. "There's a big difference between me and him. We're not the same, no matter what you say. He was a different person to me. I didn't look at him and see myself. I still don't. I can't imagine being him." Bri had been a pessimist, cranky and short tempered. Even though Brian had still respected him, he had known their were qualities of Bri's that he didn't admire. "I'm not like him."
"Maybe you will be one day," Darren said softly.
Defeated, Brian slumped back in his chair. Nobody understood him. Nobody knew how he felt. He was most miserable at the fact of never seeing Bri again and, despite what Nick had said, he was certain that time would take the same ugly path it had created here. Bri had been meant to die in 2012 but he hadn't. Time seemed to have changed its route to make sure that its plans were effective. He imagined that it had a vendetta against him for changing the past before, as improbable as it seemed. It was as if time had achieved its revenge.
Brian had his head in his hands. "Darren, I can't cope. So much is going to happen. How can I survive like Bri did? What if I don't? What if everything is ruined?"
Darren opened his mouth and then closed it. He seemed to think for a moment until he regretfully shook his head. "I don't think I can answer any of those questions. There's so much we don't know about time travel. It causes paradoxes. The tiniest thing can alter history. Some people may even believe in parallel universes that are caused when time does change. We don't know what's going to happen. Your future may not even be decided. It might change because you do know too much."
"Parallel universes? Don't start on them Darren. I can barely grasp the concepts of time travel and even they seemed to have changed from since I last came here."
Darren smiled. "There you go then. You seem time does change."
In spite of his confusion and depression, Brian found he was smiling also. "You're trying to cheer me up. Everything anybody has said to me has been about time and how it changes."
"Does it give you any hope?"
Did he have hope? An hour ago he would have said no. Since then however he had had time to think about what Nick had said, to listen to Sammy and Darren as well. But did anything give him hope for his lost future? Or was it already lost indefinitely?
Maybe everything wasn't written in stone… maybe he could change things. It was the rift between Bri and B that had led to B running away to Brian's time. Maybe he could change that and maybe… maybe he could survive. Maybe these events wouldn't play out.
"Maybe," he admitted softly.
"Well, that's a start."
Awkwardly Brian still sat tensely in the wooden chair. He wasn't shivering anymore as he'd done almost constantly since waking up. The base seemed a little warmer. He smiled. "Thank you, Darren." He was suddenly beginning to see why everyone had always said he'd been good friends with Darren. Maybe this was where Nick had got his wisdom from as well. In his future he'd get to meet Darren properly… and that was something he was looking forward to.
"You're welcome Bri." Darren paused. "an," he corrected. He shook his head. "Sorry, it takes some getting used to."
He'd never liked being called Bri. His mother had discouraged it and he'd always make the boys and his other friends call him 'Brian'. Maybe Bri wasn't so bad though. He had a feeling he could get used to it. "It's okay," he concluded.
"Why don't you think things over. If you need anybody to talk to, you know where you can find me. There's Nick as well and Howie and AJ. They'd all be happy to talk with you," Darren said. "You probably feel more comfortable with them."
"No it's okay." Brian paused for a moment. "I thought you were going to be angry with me. You usually tell me off for taking risks."
"Never stops you though does it?" Darren replied simply. "I have a temper, I know I do. I try to reign it in but I don't always succeed." He laughed slightly. "It appears I'm doing well."
Brian grinned. "Yeah, I didn't expect to escape a telling off this time."
"Things are different though," Darren said seriously. "You've helped us so much. You've saved lives. I can't shout at you for that, even if your trip to the Gerai base was against my better judgement. I was wrong though. We were lucky you did go. Besides, you're a grown man and you haven't gotten yourself killed yet."
Brian froze, the word 'yet' ringing in his eyes. Darren looked confused for a moment until he realised what he'd said. "Oh fuck, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean - "
Holding up a hand Brian shook his head. "It's all right. I'm gonna have to square with that one day. Maybe it won't happen and things will play out differently, but I can't ignore what I've seen and I can't let it rule me." There was a lot to live for back home, most importantly little Sammy and the woman he would one day meet and fall in love with. He still had plenty of life to explore before things went rocky. He took a deep breath. He was still warm. He could still smile and breathe. "I'm okay. I really am."
Darren nodded, but still looked guilty and uncomfortable. He suddenly reached and grabbed an electronic notepad. "Um, you'll be pleased to know that the doctors watching over B so we'll be ready to wake him tomorrow. His chemical levels are much more normal but we're waiting a day just to be sure. We don't want any violent outbursts."
Brian remembered what Sammy had said. B had killed Kevin in a blast of rage. He couldn't understand that or comprehend that Kevin was gone. When he returned home, Kevin would be there alive. The real test would be to see if Brian could look into his eyes without wanting to scream. It didn't seem as if Kevin was gone at the moment but it might become much more real when he next saw him.
"What about the memory damage?" Brian asked hurriedly as he suddenly thought about it.
"According to this report, there was a substance that was repressing them. Now that's gone he should start remembering. It was already dissipating when we got him back. The virus seems to be completely gone. The cure in his bloodstream worked well, lucky for him. From what we know the Gerai had dozens of other test subjects who all died of the disease."
Closing his eyes, Brian smiled. B had come through so much and against all reason, he was still alive. "He has a knack for surviving, just like his father used to have."
"I don't doubt it," Darren agreed. "They're waking him up at ten tomorrow morning. Make sure you're there with Sammy. We're hoping he's going to be okay. Preliminary scans look good."
His heart was already accelerating and a floating bubble of happiness within his stomach was forming already at the prospect of seeing B again. He had loved spending time with him back home, until it started to go wrong. Now he would be here to see things get better.
"I better go. I'd like to say hello to Howie and AJ again and it's a way to pass the time until tomorrow." He had a feeling it would go slowly. Darren nodded and Brian left his chair to cross to the door. Misery was gone and now there was a light that he might be able to use to overcome foreboding about the future. Hope. He paused for a moment though and then turned back to Darren. "I think maybe was the wrong answer earlier," he said gently. "I think yes is a much better one."