CHAPTER FIFTY ONE - PARTING AGAIN
Brian felt sick. He felt terrible. A few hours ago and everything had clicked into place. He’d thought he’d understood and knew what he had to do. Now it was all changing because those green eyes were staring up at him looking hopelessly lost. He tried to hold the gaze but it was impossible. A wetness was gathering at the back of his eyes and he couldn’t show weakness. It would only make it harder for all of them.
B did not move a muscle. He just stared at Brian sat beside him. “Why?” he asked simply.
Brian kept clasping and unclasping his hands. He did not seem to have the words to say anything anymore. It all seemed so impossibly hard. How was he supposed to go home and be happy with his friends and his family after everything he had seen? All the recovery that had taken place recently was rapidly disappearing and Brian was feeling cold and distraught again. He could hear Bri’s voice, his own voice, in his head and remember his old friend.
He passed a hand over his forehead as he began to feel dizzy. “I don’t belong here, B. This isn’t my time and I can’t stay forever. If I stay for much longer, and God I would love to stay with you and Sammy, then I won’t be able to go back because I won’t be able to cope. I’m already forgetting how to live in my own time. I-I… I’m sorry.” There did not seem to be anything else he could say.
“B, we knew this would happen,” Sammy said softly from the chair beside them. “We can’t keep him.”
Meeting Sammy’s gaze for a moment, Brian found himself flinching. He was feeling ill. There was a wrenching inside of his stomach. He had been in this situation before and it was no easier the second time round. All hope Brian had had before of somehow changing the timeline was washed away when he saw them and the realisation gushed up to drown him like quicksand. This was where it ended.
He stared across at B and thought of what he must have looked like as a child. That was something he could never have, no matter what happened. They couldn’t keep him and he couldn’t keep them. He closed his eyes briefly, begging God to somehow give him more time. There never seemed to be enough time to one life to love your family and everyone else you cared about.
“I know,” B replied softly. “I just… kinda… hoped.” He had turned away from Brian and he knew that his son was having trouble controlling the tears. Brian wanted to break down himself. Every emotion here had weathered him and, though he was stronger in some ways, he was weakened in others. All he wanted to do was reach out and clasp B and Sammy. They were his. His family, his children. There was never enough time.
Sammy slipped out of his seat and knelt down in front of his brother. Gently he placed hands on B’s shoulders and then pulled him into an embrace. The blonde stared at Brian and mouthed a promise to him. ‘I’ll look after him.’ Brian knew he would keep it. There was nothing on this earth that would stop Sammy from being there for B.
Watching the two embrace, Brian cleared his throat and stared at the ceiling, trying to calm himself and clear the tears. It was all over and he should feel happy that they were safe, but once again it was a half hearted victory because he couldn’t be in that picture with them.
“B, you’ll be okay,” Brian said as he turned back to them. “I’ll always think of you and you’ll have a brother to look after you.” Sammy had raised B and they meant everything to one another.
Pulling his head from Sammy’s shoulder, B tried his hardest to smile but it was still a look of sadness. He disentangled himself from his brother’s arms and seated himself on the bed beside Brian. “Thank you for everything,” he murmured, staring at Brian’s face and defying the tears that were trying to break through.
Brian reached out and hugged B close. Finally the tears had won as he pulled B to him. “If I could, I would be there for you always but time has other ideas. I won’t forget you and I hope that, despite everything I’ve seen, maybe things will play out differently. I can always think of the maybes.” He kissed B on the head.
“We’ve had this parting before,” B said softly. “I thought it was the last time I would see you but you’re here again. So maybe you’re right.”
“You can always hope,” Brian murmured, although he knew that there was no certainty that there was any hope. For B and Sammy, they had the hope of a better life but it was different for Brian. “Promise me one thing, B.”
“Anything.”
Brian smiled as he stared at B, marvelling how much he had grown up. “If you ever feel like running off, make sure your brother knows where you’ve gone. I know you want to grow up and have your own space, but I don’t want Sammy to worry about you.”
B nodded. “Okay,” he said instantly. He glanced over at Sammy and smiled devilishly. “I’ll try and be good anyway.”
Sammy gave a snort of laughter. “And I’ll be king of the land the day you behave!”
Smiles surrounded him now but Brian was aware of the sadness lurking in each one of them. Mouths were curved but the eyes gave away everything. Nothing could be hidden in those coloured windows. He could see his own pain reflected and returned within them, but he could never stay here. He was becoming more aware with each second that this was not his home. He was welcomed here and loved, but this was not the right time. Beside that, he missed little Sammy and his friends and family back in 2003.
Reaching forward Brian embraced Sammy tightly and smiled. “I know you’ll look after him; you always have,” he said softly. “I know I can trust you more than anybody.”
Sammy’s breathing caught slightly and Brian did not dare pull away and look at his face in case he saw tears there like he suspected there would be. His own body was turning cold and he suddenly found that he wanted to go right now to avoid extended goodbyes. Goodbyes were always the worst thing and the longer they lasted, the more it hurt. He knew now why some people crept out and left nothing but a note. It was sometimes easier than facing them and telling them the words that would hurt them. It didn’t matter how it felt though. Brian could not miss saying goodbye for anything else in the world. This would be the last time he saw them. He tried to swallow that feeling but it refused to stay down. Last time he had thought it would be the last time and yet he was here again. There was still a feeling bouncing about the walls of his skull saying that it could happen again. Brian felt almost ashamed at wishing that this would be the last time he saw them. They came to him when there was trouble and he wanted them to have a happy future for once.
Finally Sammy broke away. His eyes looked darker than usual but he was still trying to smile. “When are you going?” he asked.
Brian’s throat was thick as if something was choking him. He did not want to say what was coming. Blue and green eyes stared at him. “Today,” he whispered eventually.
Sammy’s eyes widened but it was B who spoke first. “So soon?” he gasped. “I-I thought you wouldn’t go for days!” His face, if it was possible, was looking even paler than before.
Brian wiped a hand against his face and found his legs crippling. Slowly he sat down, showing them his own despair and weakness. “I have to go now,” he said, trying carefully to order his thoughts to say everything he needed to. “I’m growing too attached to this time. I don’t know if I’ll even recognise my own anymore. I’m never going to be the same again and my friends will notice that. If I stay even a day longer then it will just be worse. I might not fit in again. Then there’s the goodbyes. Each moment I stay here is going to hurt all three of us because it’s a long goodbye that keeps going and going.” He sighed and placed his hands in his lap. “There has to be an end.”
“And this is it,” Sammy said softly. He turned to B who was still staring at Brian wordlessly. “It’s easier for us if he goes. We have to accept that dad was killed in that base. For days we’ve been living a lie but we have to accept things at some point.” He had an arm about B’s shoulders and had turned him to face him.
B stared at Brian for another minute. “With you here, it doesn’t feel as bad. It feels like you never… died.” He bit his lip and then leaned against Sammy’s shoulder. Gently his brother wrapped an arm about him.
“I’m sorry I have to go so soon. I wanted to spend time with you, but it will just make it worse.” He would know what he was missing and every day he saw his own death lying in front of him. He remembered the cliff wall and this time reminded him of it.
“It’s okay,” Sammy replied. “I know. We both do.” Beside him, B nodded in agreement.
Brian stared at him. His chest felt empty. It had been done. Now his own time awaited him. He wanted to do nothing but cry. He had accepted his fate but he still hated it. His hands were clenched together and he closed his eyes. It was time to go home.