CHAPTER FIFTY THREE - RESOLUTIONS
How do you define a normal life? How can you even explain what the word ‘normal’ means? Everybody thinks that their own life is normal, no matter how strange it may seem compared to others. Before all of this happened, I thought of my own life as normal. Being a Backstreet Boy was just a job. The rest of the time I was an ordinary guy with a God given little boy as a son. That was how life used to be. I guess that’s how it must be now. How can anybody ever understand what I’ve seen? Even Nick doesn’t realise, even though he tries.
I don’t know how to find a place in life anymore. What do I do? Everything around me feels strange. With every single person I see I am aware that I have seen more than they could ever comprehend. They have no idea of what is about to come. Sometimes I even feel a connection with them, which is odd. I’m going to have to face this nightmare future along with them. We’ll be sharing the same horrors.
Sometimes I think I might be slipping back into an ordinary life. I do the shopping, I walk the dog and I look after Sammy, my angel. I don’t know what I would do without him. He makes me smile, even those times when I’m so sad that I feel like I want to cry forever. How can I not smile when he’s happy? How can I not laugh when he shares one of his little jokes with me?
I love him so much. Thank God he survives. I only wish I could see him grow up… God, I wish -
“Are you becoming a writer?”
Brian jumped and the pen dribbled ink along the damp paper. He turned and saw Sammy peeping over the edge of the table, his eyes fixed upon the piles of paper Brian had written during the past few days. Quickly Brian tucked the sheets into a neat pile and pushed them out of Sammy’s reach. He did not want his son to read Brian’s depressive mood.
“Where would I find the time to become a writer with a bundle of trouble to look after?” he joked as he seized hold of Sammy and tickled him under the arms.
Sammy squealed and kicked and laughed as he squirmed to escape. Brian smiled at him and pulled him closer before lifting him onto his lap. He stroked his hair. It was incredible how much better he could feel just be holding Sammy with him. The future seemed so distant when he was holding Sammy. Sammy was so young now. Time seems passes more slowly when you’re a child.
“Can you write me a Harry Potter book?” Sammy asked as he reached for a blank piece of paper. He picked up the pen and drew a smiling face. Grinning he held it up for Brian to see.
“Aw, thank you,” Brian said. He patted him on the head. “But I don’t think I can write you a book. Ask Nick. He’s always full of crazy ideas and I’m sure he could come up with some story for you.” His eyes drifted over to his writing. He wasn’t sure what he was doing exactly, but it felt good to write his thoughts down. It sometimes brought order to his mind.
“How about a song?” Sammy had grabbed another piece of paper and was drawing cartoon characters. Brian smiled. He had always noticed that Sammy liked drawing but it was only now he saw how good he was. The cartoons seemed very advanced for Sammy’s age. He wasn’t even concentrating on what he was doing.
“Maybe,” Brian replied. “That’s a good picture there.”
“Mmmm.” Sammy seemed to have grown bored of drawing now and was randomly doodling his name in the corner. “Can I play outside?”
“Yes, but leave the door open so I can hear you and stay away from the pool.” He didn’t want Sammy falling in again. He didn’t like water much and despite Brian’s bets efforts to teach him, Sammy seemed to refuse to learn to swim. His dislike of water though didn’t seem to stop him from going too close to the pool. Brian had no idea how he managed it. He wondered if Sammy would ever learn to swim in the future… he’d never thought to ask these things. He hadn’t asked half the things he should have done while he was in their time.
“Okay.” Sammy bounced down from Brian’s knee and scooped up his ball before grabbing his coat from the back of chair. He zipped himself into the thick red jacket and dashed towards the patio doors. He turned and gave Brian a bright smile before he slipped into the garden calling for Tyke. The boy had a gorgeous smile. Children always have the best smiles. There’s nothing better than seeing pure innocence so happy.
Brian laughed. He was glad now that Sammy had come home so quickly. Nick had brought him round the day after their talk, even though Brian had been contemplating whether he should spend some time alone. Now he saw that this was the best option. Sammy reminded him of the brightness that still existed in life. He gave him hope as well. Sammy survived the horror that was to come. He survived and he was happy in the future with his brother and his girlfriend.
Slowly he pushed Sammy’s work away. He could pin it up later. He liked to pin Sammy’s pictures up in the kitchen or keep them in folders. They were sweet presents from a child. When he was away from home he could take them out to make him smile. It brought him closer to his son when he seemed to be a thousand miles away. Sammy’s pictures were not the only ones he had, there was B’s as well. They were well hidden but he liked to take them out and imagine the child he would never see.
He glanced down at his own writings and then pulled a blank piece of paper towards him. He could hear Sammy playing with a ball outside. The pen was in his hands and the song words were already moving about his mind, words that brought tears to his eyes.
“I don’t want you to be unhappy.”
Brian closed his eyes. Sammy was laughing outside in the winter sun. There was nobody else in the house but somebody had appeared. Brian did not dare turn around. The pen was held still in his hand.
“This has to end,” Brian whispered.
“I know,” B replied.
Too many goodbyes had been said and no amount could ever be enough. Somewhere though, it had to stop. Brian could never go back to B’s time again. Next time, he knew he would not be able to leave them. First time had been difficult, second time even worse and a third would be impossible.
“What are you doing here?” he said softly. He loved hearing B’s voice but he was afraid of what it might bring. He liked to think they were happy in their own time. He had thought that before but that image had been shattered when he realised that the Gerai were still a threat. This time he thought they were truly gone, but he could never be certain.
“Everything is okay back home,” B said. “I just wanted to say one last goodbye. I know I was sick when you left and it’s been hard, but I’m better now. I wanted to talk to you properly, not as the mentally ill kid I was when you left.”
Brian’s heart was hurting as it beat inside of him. His breathing was so fast that he was hardly taking in any oxygen. He was afraid of what he might see if he turned around. B said he was better, but Brian was afraid to believe it in case it wasn’t true. Besides that, he thought he might break down and cry. He remembered the fragile thing B had been when he left. He had begun to get better but there was a very thin line between normality and a complete break down. He couldn’t see B like that. He would never survive in his own time if he had to live with the burden of knowing that everything he had done for B had been in vain.
“And, before you ask, my brother knows I’m here. He gave me permission to come. He’s back home at the control panel ready to bring me back. I only have a few minutes,” B continued.
The pen was clasped so tightly in Brian’s hand that his fingers were staring to hurt. He couldn’t seem to release it in case everything he was hearing turned out to be an illusion. He had to have something to cling onto. His eyes drifted to the window. Sammy was rolling about on the grass with his ball, trying to stop Tyke from finding it.
“Is he okay?” B asked. Brian heard footsteps as B came closer. He still couldn’t turn his head in that direction.
“Yes, he’s fine. He doesn’t even realise that anything bad happened. He asked after you. He remembers you staying here.” His eyes ached and he couldn’t hold back anything anymore. He turned to his left and found B looking at him. A smile came across his lips. No matter how old they became, children could always make you smile.
B returned the expression, but his green eyes had grown moist. Brian could barely recognise him for the teenager he had seen in the future. Colour had returned him and blessed him with a life again. There was no gleam of insanity in those eyes or fearful forgetfulness, only the life and soul that Brian loved. He smiled again and misery was lifted. He had tried to be hopeful of the future, but it had not been possible. He had thought of B everyday and prayed that he would become well. Now his prayer was standing right in front of him.
Brian raised himself from his chair and stood in front of B for a moment. They were almost the same height. He had never seen the resemblance before. Parents and children never seem to see that they look alike, but after spending so much time with Bri he suddenly saw that B was identical. This time the twin was a natural creation, not a simple double.
Slowly Brian opened his arms and B smiled once more before he burying himself in them. Brian couldn’t stop himself any longer. The tears had escaped his eyes. He clung onto B. He no longer felt as if he would fall to pieces. B had been restored. Finally God had given him his peace.
Sniffing, Brian pulled away and placed his hands on B’s shoulders to see him better. B smiled at him. He still had the same mischievous shine that Brian had noticed when he first met him. “How long?” he asked.
“Six months,” B replied.
Questions… so many questions circled Brian’s mind to make him dizzy. There was so many people to ask after and so many things about B and Sammy to ask about, but time was limited. Brian had begun to tremble. He wanted to fall down and cry, not through sadness but through joy at finally knowing that the future would work out. He wouldn’t be in it, but his family would survive.
“I don’t have long,” B said. “But Sammy and I wanted you to know that we’re both okay and everybody else is good too. Darren still mans the base but most of us have moved into villages and started to rebuild. You wouldn’t recognise the world anymore.” A happy smile graced B’s face and his eyes wavered as he directed them to thoughts in his own mind. “Finally the war has ended and the new age has begun.”
Brian allowed his eyes to close for the briefest of moments. Every part of him relaxed. He hadn’t realised that he was constantly tense before, as if awaiting the next assault that would befall B, but those times were over now. Pure bliss washed over him. ‘Thank you God,’ he said silently. ‘Thank you.’
“Now I’m here, B murmured. “I don’t know what to say. Funny how when you’re away from someone you think of millions of things that you want to say to them and then when you’re there, it all changes.”
Reaching out Brian embraced B again. “You’ve said everything you needed to,” he said. “And now you don’t have to think of anything else. I know that Sammy and your future are safe. And I can see that you are going to be fine. You never cease to amaze me. The amount of things you’ve been through and yet you’re still here smiling. I’m so proud of you.” He couldn’t say a single word more.
“Thank you.” Brian realised that B’s voice sounded like his own as well. Right now, both of them were weak through their own tears. “Dad, this will be the last time I ever see you. The time machine is going to be destroyed. Darren says you’ve seen too many things already and it’s wrong to keep toying with your feelings.” Slowly B pulled away. “Sammy and I live in a different time. We weren’t ever supposed to even meet you, but we did and you’ve done so much for us but now - ”
“It ends,” Brian finished quietly. His eyes were flickering as he attempted to ward away fresh rains of tears. He loved B. He loved Sammy but their worlds were separate. Even if he wanted to, even if the time machine wasn’t destroyed, he couldn’t allow himself to return to the future. He had come too close to losing his own mind on that cliff with Bri. What he had seen had almost killed him. Now he could live without fear for his family. It had to stop here before he saw something that was too much for him.
“I’m sorry,” B whispered. “If I could keep visiting you I would, but - ”
“B,” Brian said gently. He paused for a moment and looked out of the window. Sammy was by a tree digging with his toy spade while Tyke watched him excitedly. He took B’s arm and led him over to the couch where he sat him down. Slowly Brian sunk down beside him. “I am just happy that I have seen enough of you to know that you will be all right. Sammy would never let anything happen to you and then there’s Darren, Nick, AJ and Howie who will always watch out for you. I know you’re going to be okay. I would love nothing more than to see you regularly but it has to stop somewhere B. I am in a different time and I can’t live my life in two different times. It has to be one or the other and…” His eyes darted to little Sammy. “I have to raise your older brother so that you’ll have a Sammy in your own time.”
“I know.” B stared at the floor. “I know.”
“What are you going to do now?” Brian asked. “You’ve got your own life at last. You must have something planned.” He wanted to know everything he possibly could about their lives, just so that he could think about them on lonely nights or simply whenever he needed to smile.
B smiled. The strain was gone. There was no evidence of the troubled and almost ruined mind that Brian had last seen. B had tried to be brave and to show Brian that he was better but both of them had been aware of the toll the events had robbed from him.
“I’m not sure what I’ll do. At the moment I’m just enjoying being my age.” He raised his eyes shyly. “I have a girlfriend and I like being with her.”
Brian grinned. “Who?”
“Tessa, Howie’s daughter. We’ve dated before but it’s so much easier now I know the Gerai are gone. I don’t have to worry so much and nobody keeps me inside. I can do whatever I please.”
That was all B had ever wanted. He’d never had a chance to grow up or taste his own freedom. Brian had never seen a teenager quite like B before, one that was so enclosed and relied so heavily upon those around him. He’d had no choice with the way the war had turned.
“I’m just glad you’re happy,” Brian said.
B nodded. “I am, and so is Sammy. He’s worked things out with Lori and they’ve been great together these past few months. I’ve never seen him happy.” He laughed slightly. “He’s never had a time when he hasn’t worried about me. Finally though, he can find the time to give somebody else attention. I think they’re going to get married, or at least I hope they do.”
Conflicting feelings warred inside Brian and brought a huge ache to his stomach. He desperately wanted Sammy and B to be happy but he would be excluded from it all. He took a quick intake of breath as he banished the feeling below. At least he could imagine how happy Sammy would be when he married Lori. He wouldn’t see the event, but an imagination was better than a darkened mind.
“Give him my best,” Brian found himself saying. “Tell him that I hope to God everything works out.”
“I don’t need to tell him. He already knows how much you care about the both of us,” B said softly. “Thank you for everything.” He leant forward and embraced Brian tightly.
This would be the last time, Brian’s heart told him that from the way it was thumping so loudly. His hands felt numb and B felt bigger, as if he had grown since Brian last saw him. It was only his mind imagining it. B hadn’t changed physically, just mentally. He’d started to grow up.
Brian wanted to cry, but nothing came to his eyes. A peace was resting inside of him. He felt calm.
The bracelet on B’s arm was flashing. Brian watched the little red lights dancing, telling him that everything was about to end. He closed his eyes, but still he couldn’t find the tears. All of them had been lost and there was no need to cry when everything had turned out right. The future had its happy ending, with or without him. A new world was waiting for the return of his son.
“You have to go,” Brian murmured.
“I do,” B said dryly. His own eyes were damp, but no tears trickled onto his cheeks. “I wish you were still with me in my time.”
“Maybe I will be. Neither of us knows how my future will turn out. I just hope that whatever happens, you’ll still be happy.”
A dozen things could still happen in both of their times, but Brian had a strange feeling he would walk the same path Bri had chosen. They had been connected so deeply that Brian didn’t think there was any possibility of him not following him. If he changed anything, then time would alter. He would never have met Bri and B and Sammy’s future might be changed for the worse.
B was on his feet and keying in something on the bracelet. Brian stared at him. his throat felt tight and he suddenly couldn’t talk. B was still so precious to him and the world seemed so dangerous. Anything could still go wrong. The Gerai weren’t the only thret, there were simple things like ordinary accidents or illnesses. Roughly he banished those thoughts. Life was always unpredictable but it gave no one anything if they dwelt on the miseries and vulnerabilities of existence.
He cleared his throat and scratched his arm thoughtfully. “I don’t want you to worry about us. We’re going to be happy and…”
B suddenly pulled the sleeve of his shirt up to reveal the red scar on his arm. It looked brighter and more painful than usual and the flesh surrounding it had turned pink. Brian frowned and stared at B in puzzlement.
“It’s over,” B whispered. “It’s gone. Nick removed it and now the chip is Darren’s responsibility. I’m free.” He smiled. “It was after this that I started to get better.”
There was nothing Brian could say. He only smiled and with one expression he had showed B how happy he was for him. His son smiled back at him, but he was moving away from him now as he pressed another button his bracelet. He slowly raised his hand. Sadness rested in his eyes, but beyond that was happiness and life that was flourishing.
“Good bye dad,” B whispered.
“Good bye,” Brian said, his own voice just as quiet. He kept his eyes on B but suddenly the yellow light entered the room. His eyes burned but he refused to close them. Tears streaked down his cheeks at last but he still smiled. He could see B smiling back at him and then the light had taken him. The room was empty.
Brian’s heart was still fast. His head whirled. Now that the moment was over he couldn’t believe that B had ever been here but he had the memories of him. He smiled and closed his eyes. He wanted to cry for pure happiness. He had memories of B, happy memories that told him he had recovered.
He wanted to cry and he let himself. He let the tears release everything as they strolled down his cheeks. He smiled in bliss and raised his head to feel the calmness that that soothed him. It was over. They were safe.
Sammy was calling him from the garden. He wanted Brian to play with him. Brian grinned. He caught a flash of his face in the mirror on the wall as he headed for the door. He saw the twinkle in his eyes. He thought he’d lost that life but now it was in him again.
He paused a moment to allow his tears to dry, but the smile would never disappear. Energy bounced inside of him and he shed outside to be with his son.