CHAPTER FOUR - SUDDEN REALISATIONS
Brian sat cosily nestled within the armchair, his feet tucked beneath him as he cuddled a cushion to his chest. The room had long since darkened as the sun sunk beneath the land, depleting the house of all the bright warmth that still remained after Sammy’s departure. Brian had hardly noticed as the light seeped away from the lounge and plunged him slowly into darkness. The photograph had been the beginning of turmoil of memories that returned to him. Now he couldn’t see anything but the faces he would never see again. Whenever he looked at Sammy now, he tried to ignore the fact that he only had a few years left to spend with him but now that fact was hitting his stomach hard and ripping through it like a heavy stone.
He didn’t want to die and leave him behind in a hostile world. He couldn’t bear Sammy’s tears that would spill over his demise and he didn’t want his second son to grow up with no parents. It wasn’t fair…
He had nothing to fight this battle with. He died in saving Sammy’s life. It was either himself or Sammy and Brian could never make anything but the choice he was destined to make.
Suddenly he was aware of bright lights glaring through the windows into his shadowed lair and he raised his head and squinted as he saw the lights coming closer towards the house. Slowly he unfolded his legs, tense and aching after being cramped for so long and finally realised that the room was almost pitch black. He shook his head from the drowsiness that had blurred his mind and stretched a hand out to hit the touch turn on lamp which hummed for a brief second before illuminating the room with a pale, yellow glow.
He crossed to the window yawned as he saw the black BMW draw to a halt at the top of his driveway, the harsh lights ceasing abruptly as they were turned off. It looked like Nick had decided to pay him a visit after all.
He stretched his arms and peered into a mirror for a moment to check that he did not look too distressed. Quickly he smoothed down his tangled fringe and wiped his eyes, but he failed to banish the red circles that ringed the blue orbs.
He sighed as he limped to the door and opened it, a cold wind blowing harshly into his face. He shivered, his teeth already beginning to chatter as he saw Nick wave from the car before leaping out and dashing over to the warmth Brian offered him inside the house.
“Sorry it’s late,” Nick apologised. “I was hoping you’d still be up though.”
“I didn’t notice the time,” Brian replied, smiling at the sight of his friend. He didn’t know if he could have bared being alone when he was feeling as fragile as this tonight.
“Brian are you all right? It looks like you’ve been crying.” Nick frowned as he beheld his red-eyed friend.
“I’m fine,” Brian lied. “I’ve just been cleaning the house up.” He wiped his eyes and tried his hardest to laugh convincingly. “Dust.”
Nick still uncertain as Brian stood aside to let him in and Brian had to admit that it wasn’t the most believable lie. Why the hell would he be cleaning at this time of night? He would normally be getting ready for bed by now, not worrying about the dusting. Luckily before his friend could press the subject further, Tyke came bounding out of the lounge barking and growling in furious rage like he always did when Nick visited.
“Tyke, it’s me!” Nick said, holding his hands safely against his chest while Tyke leapt up to and excitedly bite his fingertips.
“Tyke don’t eat Nick, you don’t know where he’s been!” Brian scolded, giving his eyes one last final wipe to clear them from all traces of tears.
Tyke still growled menacingly, even with his master’s hands stroking him reassuringly. His beady, suspicious eyes were glued to Nick watching every single movement.
“Tyke, go to your basket,” Brian said. “Go!” he added when Tyke refused to move.
Tyke flattened his ears against his bony head and gave a snort of disgust as Nick before turning and heading towards his basket, deciding that the blond was not worth losing his beloved sleep over.
“What is it about me that he doesn’t like?” Nick asked, eyeing the dog warily as he watched Nick from his basket with sleepy eyes.
“The blondness?” Brian said, determined to draw all attention away from his treacherous eyes that betrayed his emotional state.
“Yeah right, at least I don’t have to use hair dye to be blond!” Nick said reaching a hand out to brush Brian’s dyed hair.
“Better than being a natural,” Brian shot back playfully.
Nick smiled at him, but it was rather feigned and to Brian’s surprise he did not reply to the comment or come back with his own insult.
“You want a drink?” Brian asked to break the sudden silence. “I got some beer in the cellar if you want one.”
“No, better not I’m driving and I’ve already had two,” Nick replied following Brian into the spacious kitchen. “Got any coke?”
“Sure.” Brian handed him the bottle and pulled out two glasses from the cupboard and handing them over. “So how are you?”
“Tired,” Nick replied. “But it’s great fun doing my solo stuff. I mean no offence to you or the rest of the guys because I love what we do, but this is kind of a childhood dream. It’s hard work, but it’s so worth it.”
He carefully tipped the brown, fizzing liquid out and handed one to Brian before taking the other himself. Slowly he sipped away at the drink, not gulping it down like he usually did. Brian watched him, curious at the change in behaviour.
“You should do a solo album,” Nick added.
“Me? I don’t think I have time with Sammy. I’m not like you, young with no responsibilities.”
“Your not an old man yet though. Hey, I wonder if we’ll still be singing when we’re like really old?” Nick swirled the coke in his glass as he thought about it.
Brian didn’t reply, but his eyes flickered for a moment as he thought about the grim future that awaited them, but Brian wouldn’t be around to see it and he couldn’t even tell Nick or tell him goodbye without arising suspicion.
Nick took another sip of his coke and then he stared out of the kitchen window, his eyes far away and distant. Somehow Brian knew that he wasn’t thinking about the future anymore but of something else that was bothering him.
“So how’s Sammy? I take it he’s gone now?”
Brian nodded dismally. “Yeah.”
“It’s strange not having him here,” Nick said, gazing about the kitchen for any sign of his little friend, but seeing none. “I haven’t seen him in so long.”
Brian’s eyes drifted about the room and he felt a slight pang as he remembered that he had cleared Sammy’s toys from here as well as the lounge. He would have to carefully replace them all back. The lack of them only served to make the house feel even more empty and alone. He had been feeling empty for a while now and every time he glanced at Sammy he would be overwhelmed with sadness at the thought of being separated from him and it was worse now that there was no sign that he even lived here.
“You must miss him a lot,” Nick said, looking sideways at Brian.
“Yeah, I do,” Brian replied, jerking himself out of his melancholic mood. But Sammy wasn’t the only one he was missing… “I have to get used to it though. We’re gonna be on tour later in the year.” Sadly he reflected on the loneliness that would haunt him when he was being dragged from hotel to hotel. It wasn’t fair to take Sammy along for the ride. He only became bored or travel sick on the long journeys and then he would get himself into mischief by exploring the arena and often getting himself lost and worrying everybody sick. Or he would simply get in the way and trip everybody up while he played with his toys in the corridors. He couldn’t come. Brian had known it would come o this when he took Sammy in as his own. It was better if Sammy stayed with Brian’s parents and then came out to see him every now and then for short periods of time.
“It won’t be so bad,” Nick said. “We’ll get lots of breaks so that you get to go home and see him.”
But it wasn’t the same as having every day with him. He only had a limited amount of time to spend with him and yet it seemed to be draining away faster than ever as he attended concerts, interviews…
He couldn’t give it up though. Sammy would hate him for it. He loved what Brian did and he was so proud…
‘Look, look! My daddy’s on TV!’
“I guess.” Brian sipped from the glass and then slowly stood up to head towards the lounge where they could be more comfortable while talking. “I wasn’t expecting you to turn up.” He changed the subject away from his separation with Sammy, not wanting to dwell on the pain within him.
“Thanks! I love you too!” Nick said sarcastically, regaining some of his life as he tore his eyes away from the window and stood up to follow Brian.
“I didn’t mean it like that, I mean I am glad to see you, but I just wasn’t expecting you to come! You’re only up here for like two days!” Brian sat himself back down in his favourite armchair, still warm from when he had been snuggled in it earlier. Without thinking, he picked his cushion up again and placed it to his chest as he watched Nick pick the seat furthest away from Tyke.
“What else would I be doing?” Nick asked, trying to make himself comfortable upon the couch.
“Seducing the girls?”
Nick pretended to look shocked. “What kind of man do you take me for?”
“Do you really want the answer to that question, Carter? Come on Nick, what happened? I bet you were out at a club before you came here, so why aren’t you with a girl now?”
“Because I wanted to see my best friend?” Nick tried.
Brian shook his and smiled. “Yeah, but you said you’d come and see me tomorrow morning. So why would you turn up at this time of night when there are so many clubs out there just waiting for you to go an explore them?”
Nick rolled his eyes. “You’re prying.”
He needed something to take his mind off of the depressing thoughts that spiralled about his mind. He was thinking on them too much lately and each time he felt his soul becoming weaker. He needed distraction…
“I’m your older, nosy friend. I’m supposed to pry! Come on, Nick! What happened?” he forced the enthusiasm into his voice and pushed away all images of his family that brought him so much pain.
Nick sighed and leaned back against the couch. “I was at a club,” he confessed.
“I guessed that.”
“And I did meet a girl… and I was going to take her back but…”
“But what?”
“But then I met this kid…”
Kid? That did not sound good. Seducing the ladies was one thing, but Brian would not be impressed at all if Nick started on young teenagers.
“You didn’t…?” he said, suddenly becoming nervous at the flow of conversation.
“What?” Nick asked before he saw the look on Brian’s face. “Fuck, no! I’m not a pervert, Brian! I can’t believe you said that!”
“Well, you gotta admit it sounds odd when you say you were going to take this girl home and then you met a kid… I mean come on!”
“Brian!” Nick snapped. He placed the glass down on the floor and his face turned away from him moodily. Brian froze, alarmed at the reaction. He had only intended to make his friend laugh and lighten the atmosphere that Brian so badly needed to prevent him from floating away down a black river and into the tunnel of tearful despair.
“Nick?” he said softly. “Nick, what happened?” He abandoned his own glass, more concerned over his friend.
“Look…. Just listen okay?” Nick ran his hands through his blond locks. And Brian suddenly realised that his friend’s face was much paler than usual and his eyes were widening and become more blurry through watery tears…“It was horrible Brian… I went into the back alley ‘cause the men’s was out of order and I kinda undid my pants and then… there was a kid there.”
“You’re kidding?”
“I feel terrible. He was sick or something because he kept coughing and he looked so pale and young. He really did not need to see me like that. He was so frightened of me… but I swear I would never, ever hurt a kid! I’d never hurt anybody!”
“Nick.” Brian slowly slid out f his chair and joined Nick upon the couch to reassure his friend with an embrace. “Of course you’d never do something like that intentionally, especially to a kid! Everybody knows that.”
“I feel so awful… He was lost and all alone. He said he was seventeen, but he really didn’t look it. He shouldn’t have been on his own and I should have looked more closely before I…”
“What did you do?” he asked.
“He said his dad lived on your street so I gave him a lift over here. I couldn’t just leave him there, he would have died in that alley! I mean, he saw me and I apologised and then he started crying and asking for help… It was horrible to see a kid like that. You know what it’s like, you remember when we found Sammy.”
“Yeah, I remember,” Brian whispered, thinking of the first time he had seen Sammy, crying and alone as their tour bus almost killed him. That day he had found the true meaning of love at first sight. He had adored Sammy from that first moment he had picked him up in his arms. “I really don’t recall seeing any teenagers living on this street,” he said gently.
“I don’t think he does live here. He said his name was Sam, but I didn’t believe him. His story was… confusing and he didn’t even know which house it was. He was looking for something though and he was definitely happier when I dropped him on the road. I don’t think he lives here though. I just hope he’s okay…”
Brian’s eyes flickered across to the window and he watched as the branches of one of the smaller trees were tossed eagerly about by the howling, freezing wind. No kid should be out in that weather. “You could have brought him here.”
“I didn’t think of that,” Nick replied. “He just wanted to go home… maybe he does live on this street.” He glanced up at Brian. “Can you find out for me? I’d like to know that he’s all right. He was hurt, there was blood on his clothes as well and the poor thing had a scar on his arm.”
Something finally seemed to go inside of Brian’s mind at those words. He could almost feel the blood draining from his face as he pictured the kid Nick was talking about… the kid who had been lost and frightened.
“What did he look like?” he said, trying to keep his voice calm and quieten the scream that was echoing about the walls of his skull.
“Light hair, but he kept it covered with a hood. He was fairly small… about your height and he looked real young,” Nick said, staring into space as he remembered him.
“What colour eyes?” he asked quickly.
Nick stared at him in puzzlement. “Do you know him?” he said hopefully.
“I – I might…. What colour eyes?” The desperation was creeping in, even though he knew that he was insane to even think he knew who it was. His hands were gripping the sides of the chair tightly and he could feel his stomach churning about inside of him in agony as his entire body awaited the response.
Nick thought for a moment. “I couldn’t really see… I never really looked in the dark. Blue I think…”
Brian’s heart was beating again, but he didn’t know if it was relief or pain. Blue eyes… he didn’t have blue eyes… For a moment it had almost sounded like…
“Or maybe green,” Nick finally added. “I just hope his dad takes care of him. He doesn’t even have a mom. Why does that happen to some kids, Brian?” he said dismally.
“I don’t know,” Brian replied, his hands fidgeting nervously with the cushion as he unclenched them from the arm rests. His eyes were drawn to the window and the outside world again and Nick’s words. ‘He could have died in that alley.’
“Nothing like that should happen to a kid… how many are lucky like Sammy and find someone like you to take care of them?”
Nick leaned back again and sighed as his eyes closed. Brian bit his lip. Normally he would have offered Nick use of the spare room for the night, but not now… He had things to do now and he couldn’t do it whilst Nick was around.
He had to find out if the thoughts inside of his head were true…
He knew they couldn’t be but what if they were? What if somehow his dream had come true?
“You look shattered,” he commented as his friend drowsed on the couch.
“Yeah, I think I partied too much tonight and then… Oh this is gonna eat me up inside for the rest of my life. That poor kid.” He seemed unable to think of anything else and Brian could see the pain as it flickered across his face. Nick could be a little wild sometimes, but his heart was beautiful and kind. He would never hurt anybody and he loved little kids. He was so kind to Sammy and children’s hospitals always upset him. He would be in agony now because of that kid… and he had unknowingly put Brian into a deep sense of fear and suspense. Nick opened his eyes again and then glanced at the clock. “Woah, I didn’t realise it was that late! I guess I better let you get some sleep and I’ve got a long drive tomorrow.”
“You still coming over tomorrow morning?” Brian said casually as he watched Nick down the rest of his coke.
“Sure. I have to leave before lunchtime though to get to the radio station in time for my interview. I’ll be here in the morning to say bye okay?” Nick said as he stood up and stretched his arms.
“Fine,” Brian replied. He was unconsciously clenching and unclenching his hands as he anxiously waited for Nick to go.
“Thanks for talking to me, Brian,” Nick said softly. “I know we haven’t had much chance to catch up… but I really needed to talk about that kid.”
“It’s all right.”
His voice was quiet… dead almost as his mind wandered the street and nearby roads to think about where the kid could have gone. He hadn’t arrived at Brian’s house so maybe it wasn’t who he thought it was…
“You know what the truly weird thing about this kid was?” Nick said, turning back to Brian just before he opened the door. “It was almost like he knew me.”
Brian gulped slightly. “You’re a Backstreet Boy,” he said, his voice quiet and his mouth dry.
“I know, but this was different. It was like he really did know me.” He shook his head. “Bit of a mystery, huh?”
“Yeah… Where did he go when you dropped him off?” He tried to sound casual and not the desperate, worried parent he was.
“He said he lived at twelve, but he was lying. I saw him walking away from the place as I drove away. Was coming this way actually. You will try to find out who it is won’t you?”
“Of course.” ‘You can depend on it.’ He wasn’t going to stop until he reached the bottom of this.
“Well, g’night Brian,” Nick said as he opened the door. “Woah, it’s windy out here! See ya!” he called as he dashed to his car.
Brian gripped the doorframe as he watched Nick clamber into his car and start up the engine. All of it seemed to be painfully slow and Brian felt guilty at wanting his best friend to be gone so badly. He never saw much of Nick anymore and it seemed wrong to be wishing him gone like this, but Brian was desperate for time to think.
Eventually the lights lit up to illuminate the falling rain, now noticeably heavier then when Nick had first arrived and the he slowly turned before heading odd down Brian’s driveway. As soon as he was certain he was gone, Brian slammed the door shut against the cruel weather and stood with his back against the wall.
He slowly closed the door behind him and then stood with his back to the wall, his eyes closed as he matched his youngest son’s face with the description Nick gave him.
“No, I’m wrong… It can’t be him. It’s just because I’ve been thinking about him…” he told himself.
A part of him was begging for it to be true. He missed him so badly and he had be pining for him lately, especially now that Sammy was away from home. Maybe he had found some way to visit… Maybe he was here right now waiting for Brian to find him.
But another part of him was crying and screaming for his intuition to be wrong. The description Nick had given to him had been terrible and he hated to think of his little boy in that state. What was he doing here? But it couldn’t possibly be him… It couldn’t be…
‘He was hurt, there was blood on his clothes.’
He shuddered at Nick’s words and suddenly realised that a sweat had broken out on his forehead. There were thousands of kids in this city, and his son could not be one of them. It had to have been a coincidence…
But that scar… How many kids had huge, noticeable scars on their arms? And the age was right and the face was perfect…
The wind gave an especially loud howl as it blew about the house and he heard the tapping against the windows as the rain began to come down even harder upon the world. There would probably be a storm tonight and Brian would have to be crazy to go out in this climate after dark.
He closed his eyes and turned away from the door, but then he turned back. He seized his coat from the peg and then roughly forced his trainers onto his feet. As an after thought he dashed to the utility cabinet and grabbed the flashlight, his hands fumbling as everything in the way was dropped clumsily to the floor in his haste. There weren’t many streetlights outside and it would be difficult to see in the rainwater.
He wrenched open the door and then he was out into the night, the rain blowing in his face and blinding him to everything. He wrapped his coat about him as the wind blew up against him, as if trying to prevent him from going out. He wiped the water from his face, but it did him little good as more rain was thrown at his face.
“B!” he screamed, but the wind snatched his voice away, rendering his screams useless.