One more time . . .

Master has commanded His slave to attend to Him this evening and i go with joy in my heart at having at least one more time with Master. He has been so very good to me and also for me. Before i became His slave, i knew nothing of the exquisite joy that comes from surrendering your whole being to another. i had always thought i had done that with Joyce Lynn (Mistress Steele), but being with Master has changed all of that and now i see that although i had exchanged wedding vows with Joyce Lynn, they were not vows of surrender and submission. And, it is in the surrender and submission to the will of another that i find the joy of heart that has been missing in my life.

Until tomorrow . . .

Last night i was not focused upon my only task, to please Master in what ever way He chooses. i really think it is all of this being released business that had me distracted and i certainly deserve a right proper beating for that lack of focus. i'm certain Master will see to that at O/our next session.

Actually there will be two things to be punished for. The lack of focus and at one point in the evening i forgot to place my leash on Master's leash. Shit, how so totally unlike me. Master will raise a few welts on my ass for that one.

Speaking about asses and welts, just for the hell of it, Master used His belt and a cane on my ass last night and He was very pleased with the welts they raised. Then, later in the session, Master fucked my ass. It hurt like hell when he gave me that first hard thrust, so Master shortened the thrust and decreased the pressure and then it was OK, but i do need to do some more streatching so that Master can get His entire cock in my ass. Master is the first man to ever fuck me in the ass and oh what joy i felt as He took that virginity for His own.

Until tomorrow . . .

So, i sent Master a letter yesterday that has probably sealed my fate to be released from His enslavement and a lot sooner that even He had planned. The letter was intended to be yet another example of how much i love and adore Master and how important He is in my life. i love writing to Master, because in a letter i can fully express my feelings a lot better than when i speak directly to Him. i have always had a hard time  expressing my feelings verbally, but in my writing i am freed from the anxiety and stress of haveing to say just the right thing because writing gives me more time to organize my thoughts.

Anyway, in my letter i made a reference to something personal about Master, thinking He would appreciate it. Apparently i guessed wrong, because He called my cell phone, which i turn off during work  hours, and in a tone of voice that told me He was not pleased, He asked how i came by this bit of personal information. Master does not normally call me, even though He does have both my work number and cell number, so when He does call it's a very special thing.

i suppose i should have called Him back, but i am very reluctant to call Him because the call could be at a very inappropriate time. i love Master just way too much to put Him in an awkward situation. So instead, i wrote a quick letter explaining how i came by this bit of information and assuring Him that the information would never go any farther. But, the damage is done and now i will wait to see how it all falls out.

i wrote Master a second time later last night after i had checked the e-mail inbox and found no reply. Maybe it was a bit of anger on my part that propted me to write what i did, although i tried very hard to not overtly express that anger. I told Him, ''All my life i have searched for the key to my soul and you sweet Master are that key.'' At the end of the letter i wrote, ''If by Monday you have not replied, then i will know it is over and i will move on.'' And then i added, ''This will be my last letter to you unless you command otherwise. God bless you and may your life be filled with happiness and love.''

With tears in my eyes i clicked on the send button and now i will spend a torturous weekend not knowing what is to become of U/us.

Right now i feel like running screaming into rush hour traffic in the hopes that i will be struck and killed. Without Master i'm not so sure i would want to go on with my life . . .

3:00 PM

No need to run screaming into rush hour traffic, Master has written that all is OK and that we will talk about it all later. Not too sure what that talk will be like (punishment is probably in my future), but at least for now i am still His BBW bitch-whore-cunt cock sucking slave and i couldn't be happier.

Damn, this M/s relationship is tougher than it looks.

Until Monday . . .

i cried on the way in to work this morning. i was remembering last night with Master and of all the wonderful things i could have recalled, the thing that now is stuck in my mind is when He asked when i would be having my surgery so that He could have a pussy to fuck.

The miles grow long and the heart and soul grow weary from the quest for completion of the transition.

i have been walking this path for over 4 years now and i am no closer to completion, SRS, that i was 4 years ago. i keep telling myself that one day it will all be done and then i can get on with the rest of life, but the longer it takes the less time i have and at some point the return on the investment will be not so good looking.

i told a co-worker this morning that i feel like there is no point in going on and that an end to life just might be the best way out.

What the hell good is it to go on if i cann't ever have my surgery. Without it i will never be able to finally bring mind and body into better harmony. Without SRS i will always be male and that is not even close to being acceptable. i have to have SRS or i will never be happy.

Until tomorrow? i not so sure . . .

So, Master will be away this coming Wednesday so the next time to serve Him won't be until the 24th. I just hate these long times in between sessions. Well, time to get caught up on a few things like the punishment log and that sort of thing. Master was not pleased that i haven't been keeping things up to date and He has promised me punishment during our next session. Please let this time pass quickly i do so need to feel the sting of masters cane upon my ass.

Until whenever . . .

All things must pass and so it is with Master's enslavement of cédant. Master wrote:

As your Master, I demand your total love and devotion. And normally I would be elated at your most recent missives expressing your love of me. However, because I am working on reuniting with my children, I see that this is incompatible with being your full-time Master. They are two different, divergent goals. Unless things change (i.e., reuniting with my children does not work out), I am relegating you down to the status of role-playing slave or part-time slave or mere sub. You may still continue to worship my cock when I want you to but I am no longer considering training you "for real" as my life-time slave. As long as I am working toward a life with my children, I cannot continue to receive messages from you about how you cannot go on living without me or that you are frequently crying. Normally, I would expect this from you and it would be okay, even encouraged, but I do not want you falling in love with me so much that when and if I finally do release you from my mastery, you become an infringement, a distraction, an annoyance in my life with my children. In short, your recent notes indicate to me that unless I modify this relationship now, you will be a psycho-bitch later.

This is not a rejection of you, though you may feel rejected. I am choosing another path. Choosing my children really has nothing to do with you in terms of my choosing, though I recognize the pain this is causing you. I encourage you to talk to me.

I will be in SF this Wed nite the 17th. If you are available, I command you to cum to me and worship me at my feet and adore my magnificent cock.

My reply:

Master,

Psycho-bitch? That hurts more than you will ever truly understand. Did I not tell you that I understood your decision to reunite with your children and that I would in no way interfere or intrude? I guess your experiences of the past have made you be very wary of emotional slaves, but I had hoped that you would see that I was different and totally sincere. Alas, that is not to be the case so now I must take steps to dispel that lack of trust even though it will ultimately mean that our time together will draw to a close and my heart will linger in darkness for a very long time.

When you first offered your collar to me, you did so with the understanding that one day you might release me from enslavement and it was with that understanding that I accepted your enslavement. I knew going in that I might never attain the status of full time slave, but for me it was worth the risks and efforts to earn your trust and some day win your love. I guess I was a real fool. I'll know better next time, and there will be a next time and another Master.

Relegating me down to the status of role-playing slave or part-time slave or mere sub? Was I ever anything else? Was I ever anything more to you than a disgusting perverted queer looking for a cock to suck? Apparently not. Yes, I was looking for a cock to suck when I first met you but after that first time with you it did become much much more and for that I deeply apologize. I was wrong in assuming you wanted anything more.

Yes, I wrote often about my love for you and why not. I do love you but not in the way you perceive. You seem to see my love as a threat to you and your family and your way of life and that is so very wrong. My love for you would never allow me to jeopardize your life that way. No matter what you may think of me, believe this one thing because it is the truth. My love for you is so strong that even though I want so very much to be yours forever, if you do not want me, I will no longer be the source of your fear. No, I will not be the psycho-bitch you feel I will become and I will never again speak of my love for you because it has been perceived as something to fear.

Worship your cock? Of course I would love to continue to worship your cock, but it has become obvious to me that continuing to do so will only make matters worse and even though you like to call me your slut, I am no slut. Yes, when I made that post in the y-group, I was looking for another chance to suck cock and have my mouth filled with hot cum, but it was not like I made a regular habit of that. All I was looking for to begin with was just a bit of validation in my belief that I could be woman enough to make a man cum. Damn! That was just plain stupid of me.

I gave my heart to you freely and completely and that is a very rare thing. I am not some common whore willing to give away my body to the first thing in pants I see. Oh no, far from it and it's too bad you never saw that and that you only perceived me as a psycho-bitch.

So, where do we go from here? You will be in SF on Wednesday and you command me to come to you and normally I would be overjoyed at that command, but I cannot find joy in knowing that you fear my infringement, distraction, and annoyance in your life with your children. As much as I desire your cock in my mouth, I would never again be able to give you the complete focus you want and need, because in the back of my mind would be the knowledge that you do see me as that annoyance.

Yes, I will come to you once more on Wednesday, not to suck your cock, but to complete one last task. I have absolutely no need or desire to have or view the DVDs I bought for you and since I cannot return them, I still want you to have them. On Wednesday, instead of waiting in your lobby, I will be sitting outside the Starbucks at one of their tables with the DVDs. Please stop briefly so that I can give them to, but fear not, even though my heart will be breaking and I will more than likely be crying, I will not make a scene. Just take the DVDs and walk away without saying a word and that will be the end of us and you can go back to your nice safe and secure world knowing that this psycho-bitch will never be a threat to you or your children.

Stephanie Erin

So now what do i do? i still have a need to be dominated and it is growing stronger despite Master's rejection. Oh yes, i do vfeel very rejected and very hurt and very, very angry, but even though it may take time to find another Master, i will survive and i will be stronger because this will not kill me.

Until tommorow . . .

It's been a long and emotional week and i am exhausted. Master's letter to me on Monday has had a very lasting effect on me and on how i fit in in this world. Despised and feared, i am nothing more than a distraction and infringement. But, i am a damn good slave and i can be ever so faithful and submissive and i'll roll over on my back for the right Master.

Have i become that psycho-bitch Master fears i will become? Oh God, i hope not.

So, Master called me Monday afternoon and we talked about all that had happened and after Master scolded me for my bratty outburst and promised a damn good ass whipping, He forgave me and commanded me to serve Him on Wednesday. Damn, and i was ready to stay mad at Him. Now, it was Master who was upset and mad at me for being so bratty. i begged for His forgivness and promised to do everything i could to not become the psycho-bitch He fears i will become. After several minutes of begging and pleading, Master graciously forgave me but not totally and definitely not until He punished me.

And so it was that on Wednesday i was standing outside Master's building waiting for Him to arrive. Master had commanded i wait there and then follow Him in to His building. 5:55, 6:05, 6:10, the time kept passing and still no Master. What had detained Him? Was He going to be there after all? Was this a test? If it was to be a test, i decided, then i would stay there until 8:30 and then leave. As the time continued to pass, i began to think that this was to be a part of my punishment. To stand outside His building and wait like some homless bag lady, and to be looked upon by passer-byes with disgust and hatred.

And why not? Hadn't i been very, very bratty and rebelous? Had i not behaved just like a psycho-bitch? Of course i did and much more and that must be why Master is punishing me like this. He means to have me wait for 2 1/2 hours and then just slink away like a dog after being beaten. Hell, that would be too good for me. Even a really badly behaved dog would be better for Master than i would. And the minutes continued to pass . . .

Then, like a ray of sunshine piercing the cold damp fog, Master came around the corner and walked right at me. Master was smiling, sort of, and without a word i fell in behind Him and followed like the pitiful bitch i am. Master walks quite fast and i had to almost run to keep up. But, i didn't want to anger him anymore with my poor behavior, so i ran, like my life depended on it. Which of course it did. Finally W/we reached his door and in W/we went.

After Master closed and locked the door and i had put down my purse and bag (i told you i was a bag lady) of toys, Master took me roughly in His arms and kissed me hard and passionately. His eager tounge probing my mouth, His hands roaming and groping and fondeling every part of my body as i surrendered my soul once again to His mastery and domination. And then He pushed me away and demanded i strip and crawl to Him, to kiss and lick His feet and to beg not for forgivness, but for punishment. And i did.

Finally, after much praying and pleading, Master had me assume the punishment position and then came the pain. Oh sweet, glorious pain. Again and again, Master beat me with His cane and every so often He would stop to admire the welts He was raising on my ass, and then it was back to the whipping. Finally, Master had quelled His anger and He stopped, but not before He gave me several very hard slaps on my ass so that there would be the straight welts from the cane with his hand prints over my bright red cheeks.

Once again i was ordered to lay prone at His feet and to beg Him for the privilage to suck His cock. Mantra like, i began pleading with Master to let me once again to become just an extension to His cock. But this was to be yet another form of punishment as He had me do othere things like giving Him a hand job, or licking and kissing His cock and balls. More groveling at His feet, kissing and licking them and then came the tug on the leash and with His great strength he forced my mouth upon His cock and with His hands upon my head forced His manhood deep within my cunt-mouth.

After several minutes of deep throating Master, He demanded that i once again assume the punishment position but this time so that He could fuck my ass. But i was too tense and Master couldn't ram His shaft in me so instead He spanked me several more times and then i had to return to stroking and sucking, sucking and stroking . . .

Again He had me stop, stand and present my breasts to be sucked by Him. The feel of His mouth upon my breasts was heavenly and i moaned with pleasure. First the right breast, then the left and back to the right, master sucked very hard upon my nipples so that He could taste my milk. And all the while, He continued to slap my ass.

Back again to sucking and stroking and then just to stroking and finally He came. His jizz spurted upon my face and into my open mouth and on my extended tounge, but i could not swallow until He gave permission to do so. Minutes passed as he looked with pleasure at His cum drops on my face and on my tounge. Finally, He gave me permission to swallow and then to wipe up the drops on my body with my fingers and then to lick the fingers clean.

After Master had cum, He got up from His chair and went to His bed to lay down. i was certain that He would order me to lay beside Him, but that did not happen. Instead, Master demanded i clean His kitchen floor and then wash a few dishes and clean the sink. I was again certain He would command me to lay beside Him, but again i was dissapointed and all He said was for me to get dressed and leave.

After i dressed i asked Master if He wanted me to return next Wednesday and with that special smile he said, ''Maybe. Now get out of here you worthless bitch.'' As i walked to the elevator i couldn't help smiling because i knew Master wanted me back again on Wednesday. And you know i'll be there . . .

Until whenever . . .

It was a very hot and very frustrating weekend. i was very ready for today to get into work and see if Master had written. He had and just as i had hoped, He commanded me to worship Him on Wednesday. Master is just too damned good to me. i think i'll keep Him. <giggle> As if i actually have anything to say about it. One thing for sure, i will do everything i can to keep Him happy with me, no matter what.

Now i would be lying if i said the lying and deceiving of Joyce wasn't having a negative effect on me. At times i wonder if i can continue to come up with excuses to be away on Wednesday evenings, but then Master's command comes and inspiration becomes easy and yet another reason takes form. This Wednesday i will be going fishing <wink>.

Oh i am a bad, bad bitch. <giggle>

Until tomorrow . . .

Master is punishing me.

He has canceled O/our sesssion for tomorrow evening because in His infinite wisdom He feels that i need punishing---severe punishing---physical, mental, spiritual. By depriving me of the joy of being with Him, of pleasing Him, and of worshiping His cock, He is imposing a form of punishment that He feels will only serve to make me a better slave.

Master told me that if i see His rationale for His decisions and learn to completely trust Him and not read into His actions things that are not there, then, eventually,  He will make decisions and not have to explain them to me. He goes on to say that when that day comes, i will just submit, accept, and embrace His decisions, unquestioningly. Hopefully, that day will come soon.

This is of course a demonstration of His dominance over me and in reality, everything in Master's world is a demonstration of His dominance over me. So, His command is for me to be in slave space and to smile because He has given me a command. Master says, ''What you think of the command or how you feel about it has no place in your slave heart. This decision to cancel tomorrow night is part of your training.''

Yes, this decision does disappoint me, but i understand why Master has made it and because He took the time to explain His reasons to me, i trust Him when he says this is not a rejection and for me right now that is a huge step forward.

Until tomorrow . . .

i wrote to Master this morning:
==
Last night as i sat in the living room quietly watching the gathering darkness, my thoughts were of course about you and why you were punishing me by denying the pleasure of serving you. There was no one else at home, just me and my little doggie, Mr. Gumby, and i felt very lonely. i won't lie, i did cry for a while, but the tears were the result of just wanting to be with you and not of panic and fear. i know that one day soon you will send your command for me to once again come to you and worship you and your cock.

At one point i imagined that i was there with you but not at your feet and worshiping your cock, but instead i was kneeling in a corner watching another worship and love you. From the corner i could see you watching your DVDs and doing your poppers as she sucked and stroked, stroked and sucked. From time to time you would look at me in the corner and smile with pleasure knowing that the desire to be where he knelt was where i wanted to be more than anything.

Eventually, you had her just stroke your cock and then you came all over his face and tongue and just like i did O/our last time together, she waited for your command to swallow. Sitting there i hoped for a command from you for him to share your cum with me, but the command never came and she consumed every sweet drop. Then you ordered him to crawl to the bathroom and get into the shower where you pissed all over her and into his mouth and the desire to have you pissing on me was overwhelming.

But, that was just a dream and the reality that i was not there came back and so did a few tears.

And then a sense of calm happiness came over me and i found joy in the punishment because it comes from you and it pleases you to punish me.

Dear Master, sweet source of life and happiness, i do so very much love and adore you and worshiping you is all i desire.

Master please, when you feel the time is right, command your slave to come to you and worship you and your cock. Please?
Master please, may i suck your cock? Please?
==
And Master wrote back:
==
It was not a dream you had last night nor a twilight revelry. I did have a slave-in-training kneeling between my legs, sucking and stroking me. Didnt see you in the corner though, but I now know you were there watching and longing.

Cum to me next Wednesday. I will piss all over you, harshly scold you, verbally abuse you, and severely whip your fat ass.
==
Now i ask you, am i one lucky slave or what?

Until tomorrow . . .

i am so very, very lonely. Night time is once again approaching and once again i am all alone with only Mr Gumby to keep me company, but he can't talk and i need someone to talk to right now. i need Master, but that has to wait until Wednesday. A domme friend calld a while ago, but she was having a good time with a friend and that made me feel really depressed because i am just sitting here. i wish i were with Master right now.

This evening i will be home alone again so i am going to practice putting my hair up in dual pony tails. Master told me he really likes that school girl look so his wish is my command. As if there was any question about that . . . .

Also this evening i will work at stretching my ass for Master to fuck me. Wednesday when i see Him i hope to be properly prepared to recieve His cock in my ass. Hopefully He will fuck me right away and then do the whipping. If He punishes first, i tend to tense up and it becomes impossible for Him.

Speaking of the whipping, Saturday i was at a baseball game wearing shorts and i slapped my upper legs to make a claping sound and oh my did it ever hurt oh so nicely. After the game, the tops of my thighs were bright pink and had a very definite hand print shape. Hmmmm, Master hand print on my ass . . . . NICE.

Until tomorrow . . . .

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