SOUTH PARK
Garrison's Secret
by Steve Sutton

Rated PC-MA

(The guys are standing at the bus stop.)
Kyle: Did you finish your book report yet?
Stan: Yeah, but I don't think I did a very good job. Shelley wouldn't leave me alone and I had to wait till she went to bed before I could do it. I stayed up half the night working on that thing.
Kyle: That sucks.
Cartman: Man, if I had a sister and she pulled that crap on me, I'd be like, "Hey! You go and get back in the kitchen and make me some supper and wash my clothes and...and...stop bothering me, or I'll kick you in the nuts!"
Kyle: Girls don't have nuts, fatass!
Kenny: {Cartman's sister would.}
(Stan and Kyle laugh. The bus pulls up and the doors open.)
Crabtree: Come on, we're running late!
Stan: Again?
Crabtree: What did you say?!
Stan: Uh, again?
Crabtree: Well, that does it, mister. You've just earned yourself one office referral! Now, get on, sit down and SHUT UP!
Stan: Man!
(The guys get on the bus and take their seats. Cartman punches Kenny and Kenny punches him back. The bus pulls away.)
Cartman: You know, you guys are suckers.
Stan: Shut up, fatass!
Cartman: All I'm saying is, I'm going to get an "A" on my book report and I didn't even have to write it.
Kyle: Well, if I had a mom like yours, fatboy, I wouldn't have to write mine, either, because she'd do it for me!
Kenny: {Yeah, he'd just fuck her.}
Cartman (hitting Kenny again): You sick piece of crap! I'll kill you, Kenny!!!
Crabtree: Is there a problem back there?!
Cartman: No, ma'am.
Crabtree: Then, SHUT UP KID!!!
(Cartman punches Kenny one last time, then settles down.)
Stan (looking at his report): Maybe Mister Garrison won't even notice. Maybe he'll have a heart attack and die, or something, before he reads it.
Kyle: Oh, he'll notice, dude. Trust me.
Stan (pausing): Dammit!
Cartman: What's that, Eric Cartman? Do you know something they don't, Eric Cartman?
Kyle: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?
Cartman: Ah, gee, I don't know, Kyle. Maybe just a little something about Mister Garrison that he doesn't want anyone to know.
Kenny: {He fucks Mister Hat?}
Kyle: Really?
Stan: Damn, how can he [bleep] Mister Hat? He's just a puppet.
Cartman: No, you guys, he doesn't [bleep] Mister Hat...not that I know of, anyway.
Kyle: Dammit, Cartman! Tell us what you know, or I'm going to take your [bleep] and ram it down your [bleep]ing throat!
(Kenny laughs so hard, he falls out of his seat.)
Stan: God, dude! Sick!
Cartman: You know, Kyle, you really do scare me, sometimes.
Kyle: Tell us, fatass!
Stan: Dude, I think you need to calm down.
Kyle (suddenly a lot calmer): You're right. I'm sorry. Eric, would you please tell us what you know about Mister Garrison? We really want to know.
(Cartman thinks the situation over.)
Cartman: Well, now, I don't wanna! So, there!
Stan (to Kyle): Easy, dude.
(Kyle steams for a few seconds, then grabs Cartman by the shirt and starts banging him against the back of his seat.)
Kyle: Now, listen here, you [bleep]ing [bleep]! You're [bleep]ing gonna [bleep]ing tell us or I'm gonna [bleep]ing grind your [bleep]ing balls up and serve them to your [bleep]ing cat! You get what I'm telling you, fatboy?!
Cartman: Hey! Knock it off, Kyle! Ay! Somebody get this Jew off me! Kyle, I said knock it off! Miss Crabtree!
(At the front of the bus, Crabtree is now wearing a set of headphones and is lost in the song "Moon River".)
Stan: Whoa! Chill, dude!
Kyle: Not until fatass, here, talks! Spill it, Cartman!
Cartman: Okay, okay! Geeze, Kyle, get a grip or something!
(Kenny finally manages to get up off the floor and get back to his seat.)
Stan: Okay, Cartman. What's the big secret? How are you going to get an "A" without doing the book report?
Cartman: Listen, you guys, all you have to do is say "Barbie" to him. If you say "Barbie", he won't give you a bad grade.
Kyle: You're a liar, Cartman!
Stan: Yeah, dude. How is saying "Barbie" going to keep him from giving us bad grades?
Cartman: I don't know. All I know is he was going to give Wendy Testaburger an "F" and all she had to do was say "Barbie" to make him give her an "A". I overheard her do it yesterday, after school.
Stan: Really? Wendy?
Kyle: Why should we believe you, Cartman, you fatass?
Cartman: I'm sensing hostility. I'm sorry, but I can no longer communicate in this ENVIRONMENT!!!
(Cartman takes out some Cheesy Poofs and starts eating them.)
Kyle: Fine, be that way! You're probably making it all up, anyway.
Cartman: Screw you guys! Screw you guys!
(Later, Mister Garrison is lecturing to the class.)
Garrison: So you see, class, Kate Mulgrew wasn't the first choice for Captain, but a replacement for someone else who just wanted to be a total bitch. Now, are there any questions?
(Stan raises his hand.)
Garrison: Yes, Stanley?
Stan: Why does milk go bad when you leave it out?
Garrison: I don't know, Stan, it just does.
Stan: Oh.
Garrison: Anyone else?
(No one else raises their hand.)
Garrison: Okay, then. Let's move on to the book reports. Who wants to read theirs aloud first?
Stan: AAAHH!
Garrison: Problem, Stanley?
Stan: Uh, no...
Garrison: Good, so you were volunteering, then?
Stan: Uh, no...
Garrison: Well, that's too bad. Get your ass up here, Stan.
(Stan walks up to the front of the class with his report.)
Stan: My book report is on "To Kill A Mockingbird", by...someone I don't know. It's about this...retarded black guy...who goes around...eating kids...and having sex with trees.
Garrison: Stan, did you even bother to read the book?
Stan: I tried, Mister Garrison, but my sister wouldn't let me.
Garrison: Well, that's just great, Stan. You get an "F".
Stan: Dammit!
Garrison: Okay, who's next? Stan, you can take your seat now.
Stan (pausing): Barbie?
(Garrison's face turns white.)
Garrison: W-What?
Stan: Barbie?
(Garrison is quiet for a few seconds.)
Garrison: Fine, you little bastard. You get an "A", now sit down!
(Stan smiles and returns to his seat.)
Kyle: Hey, it worked!
Cartman: Told you guys!
Kenny: {He's hiding something.}
Stan: Yeah, I wonder what it could be.
Garrison: Okay, Eric, you go next.
Cartman: Sweet.
(Cartman walks up to the front of the class.)
Garrison: You forgot your book report, Eric.
Cartman: Well, so I did. Wait, now I remember. I gave it to someone.
Garrison: Well, who?
Cartman: Let's see, who did I give my book report to? Who did I give my book report to? Oh, yeah, that's right, I gave it to Barbie!
Garrison (pausing): Does the whole school know about that?!
Kenny: {Nope, just us.}
Garrison (steamed): Fine, then! All you little bastards get "A"s! Now, I think that y'all should just forget that you even heard the word "Barbie"! What do you think, Mister Hat?
Mr. Hat: DESTROY THEM! DESTROY THEM NOW!
Garrison: Now, Mister Hat, let's not go getting ourselves in a tissy. I'm sure that won't be necessary.
(Later, the guys are waiting in line to get lunch in the cafeteria.)
Stan (singing to himself): You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy...
Wendy: Hi, Stan.
Stan: Oh, hi Wendy.
Wendy: Stan, I was wondering if you wanted to come over to my house tonight for Bebe's birthday party? There's going to be lots of cake and ice cream and fun things to do.
Stan: She's having it at your house?
Wendy: Yeeaaahhhh.
Kyle: Sorry, Wendy. Stan can't. We're going over to Mister Garrison's house to find out what his secret is.
Stan: Whoa, dude! We are?
Cartman: Kickass!
Kyle: Yeah, dude. Remember, we talked about it?
Stan: No?
Wendy: Why, that's perfect! We'll all go together! It'll be fun!
Kyle: No girls allowed, Wendy.
Wendy: Stan, you want me to come, don't you?
Stan (to Cartman and Kenny): A little help here, guys?
Wendy (screaming): I SAID DON'T YOU, STAN?!?! DON'T YOU WANT ME TO COME?!?!
Stan: Yes, dammit, I want you to come.
Wendy: I knew you did, Stan. See you tonight!
Kyle (angrily): Aren't you forgetting about Bebe's party, Wendy?
Wendy: Oh, that. I just made that up.
(Wendy walks away.)
Kyle: Dude, you're spending way too much time with that chick.
Chef: Hello, children.
Guys: Hey, Chef.
Chef: What's happening?
Kyle: Bad.
Chef: Bad?
Kyle: Oh, sorry. I mean nothing.
Chef: Are we feeling blue, children?
Cartman: He's just jealous because Stan likes Wendy Testaburger.
Kyle: I'll kick your ass, Cartman!
Chef: Oooh, that ol' green-eyed monster gotcha by the balls, huh Kyle?
Kyle: What?!
Chef: Oh. Well, I guess I could've put that another way. You see, children, jealousy is a perfectly natural thing to feel...
Kyle: I'm not [bleep]ing jealous, dammit!
Chef: Now, children, you know I don't put up with that kind of language. Maybe you should go talk to Mister Mackey about this.
Stan: Yeah, dude.
Kyle: First of all, I don't need to talk to Mister Mackey. Second of all, I couldn't care less what Stan and Wendy do together. Third of all, I don't want to hear another word about how I'm jealous of Wendy, because I'm not! I'm not jealous of her!
(Chef and Kyle stare at each other for several seconds.)
Chef: Oh, I think you need to talk to Mister Mackey.
(Kyle angrily takes his tray of food and leaves.)
Chef: Man, that is one fudged-up little cracker.
(In the principal's office, Principal Victoria is busy sharpening pencils.)
Garrison (in a self-induced, psychotic daze): Excuse me, Principal Victoria?
Victoria: Yes, Mister Garrison? Come on in and have a sit-down.
Garrison: That's okay, I just wanted to tell you that I need to take the rest of the afternoon off to attend to a personal matter.
Victoria: Oh, my! I hope it's nothing serious.
Garrison: No, I just need to dispose of -- run some evidence. I just need to run some errands.
Victoria: Well, sure, go ahead, then. We'll just let the children run amok for the next two and a half hours.
Garrison (starting to leave): Thank you, Principal Victoria.
Victoria: Mister Garrison, I was being sarcastic, there.
Garrison: Oh.
(There's a long pause.)
Garrison: So, can I go?
Victoria: Er, no, Mister Garrison. I think it would be better if you stayed.
Garrison: Oh.
(Another long pause.)
Garrison: Mister Hat doesn't want to stay.
Victoria: Well, that's just too bad for Mister Hat, now, isn't it?
(After another pause, Garrison goes back to his classroom.)
Victoria (sharpening pencils again): Mister Hat...yeah, right.
(Later, Kyle is sitting in Mr. Mackey's office.)
Mackey: Uh, okay, Kyle, what seems to be the trouble, mmkay?
Kyle: It's so stupid, everybody thinks I'm jealous because Stan likes Wendy Testaburger.
Mackey: Mmkay, well, uh, Stan's one of your little friends, right?
Kyle: Yeah, dude.
Mackey: Well, how do you feel about him when Wendy Testaburger's around?
Kyle: What do you mean?
Mackey: Mmkay, what I'm saying is, do you feel like he's still your friend when she's around, mmkay? Or do you feel like you want to chop his heart out with an ax, or something, mmkay?
Kyle: Dude! What the hell are you talking about?
Mackey: Uh, mmkay. Young love is like that, mmkay? When two friends, like you and Stan, like the same girl, mmkay? They usually start feeling like they hate each other, mmkay? But they don't really, mmkay? They just feel like they do. And if they're not careful, they'll forget they are friends and be left only with the hate, mmkay? Even after the girl is gone. Uh, mmkay?
Kyle: Dude, Wendy's the one I hate, not Stan.
Mackey: Uh, well now I'm confused.
Kyle: Stan and I have been best friends since we were little. We've spent almost every day of our lives together. Then, that bitch Wendy came along and he got all hormoney and started spending every minute he could with her.
Mackey: Uh, we don't say the word "bitch", mmkay?
Kyle: What?
Mackey: That word, "bitch", we don't say it, mmkay?
Kyle: Whatever, dude.
Mackey: And I think I know what the problem is, Kyle, mmkay? You see, Stan has obviously entered what's known as puberty, mmkay? That means he's starting to be physically attracted to girls, mmkay? So, it's only natural that he's gonna want to spend more time with them, and less time with his friends, mmkay?
Kyle: Oh.
Mackey: Yeah, right now, you're dirty toilet water to him.
Kyle: So, you're saying Wendy's responsible for pubertizing him.
Mackey: uh, mmkay.
Kyle: And, if she were dead, he'd be normal again.
Mackey: Uh, Kyle, I think there's been some kind of misunderstanding, mmkay?
Kyle: No. There hasn't. I understand now. It's not his fault, it's Wendy's for putting puberty all over him. And I know what I have to do, now. Thanks, Mister Mackey. I didn't think it was possible, but you've helped me. I'll never forget that.
(Kyle gets up and leaves.)
Mackey (pausing): Uh-oh.
(Later, Stan and Kenny are over at Cartman's house, getting ready to leave. Cartman is wearing army camouflage, black gloves, and has shoe polish smeared all over his face.)
Cartman (checking his backpack): Beefy logs, Cheesy Poofs, grenades...
Stan: Dammit, I wonder what's keeping Kyle. He should've been here by now.
Kenny: {His mom probably grounded him, or something.}
Cartman: Yeah, that bitch ruins everything. Flashlight, Snacky Cakes...
Mrs. Cartman (bringing Cartman a coat): Now, are you sure you're going to be warm enough, hon'? It's awfully cold out there.
Cartman: Yeah, ma, I'll be fine.
Mrs. Cartman: Well, why don't you make mommy happy and take this coat with you. You never know when those nasty chilly willies are going to sneak up on you.
(Mrs. Cartman tries to put the coat on him.)
Cartman (pushing the coat off): Because I don't want a coat, ma! I'm trying to blend into the background!
Stan: Heh, yeah! The only thing you're gonna blend into is the Good Year blimp!
(Kenny laughs.)
Cartman: Ay!
(The doorbell rings. Mrs. Cartman walks off to answer it.)
Mrs. Cartman: Why, that must be your friend, Kyle, now.
Cartman: It's about freaking time!
(Kyle enters.)
Kyle: Hi, guys. Sorry I'm late.
Stan: Where were you, dude?
Kyle: My stupid-ass parents didn't want me to come. I had to wait and sneak out the back way.
Cartman: Figures.
Kyle: So, you guys ready?
Stan: Cartman?
Cartman (struggling with the backpack): Just...let...me...get this backpack...on, you guys.
(Cartman falls over backwards.)
Cartman: A little help...you guys?
(On a street corner, Wendy and Bebe are waiting for the guys to show up.)
Wendy: What time is it, Bebe?
Bebe: Almost ten-thirty. I wonder where the boys are.
Wendy: I don't know, Bebe. Stan would never stand me up, he's too much of a hunky stud.
Bebe: And Kyle has such a cute ass.
(They smile and giggle. Officer Barbrady pulls up next to them in his patrol car.)
Barbrady: Well, well. What are you girls doing out so late?
Girls: Nothing, Officer Barbrady.
Barbrady: Well, shouldn't you be getting home? Don't you have school tomorrow?
Bebe: It's Friday.
Barbrady (pausing): So?
Wendy: We don't have to go to school tomorrow, Officer Barbrady. Tomorrow's Saturday.
(Silence fills the air.)
Barbrady: You girls aren't out prostituting, are you?
Girls: No...
Barbrady: Oh.
(Barbrady drives away and the guys finally show up.)
Stan: Hi, Wendy. Sorry we're so late, Kyle's folks wouldn't let him leave.
Cartman (without backpack): Yeah, stupid [bleep]s.
Kyle: Don't call my mom and dad [bleep]s, fatass!
Cartman: Well, why the hell not? That's what they are. And stop calling me fat! I'm not fat, I just have puffy skin!
Wendy: That's okay, Stan. Let's get going, okay?
Stan: Sure, Wendy.
Bebe: Yeah, Kyle, you can walk ahead of me.
Kyle: 'Kay...
(They walk off. Elsewhere, at Mister Garrison's house, Garrison is sitting, naked, in a dark room with something in his left hand.)
Garrison: I'm afraid our time has come to an end, Miss Barbie. You can pleasure me one last time, but then it's off to the furnace with you.
(He puts the object between his legs and an expression of extreme satisfaction crosses his face.)
Garrison: Oh, Miss Barbie, you naughty, naughty girl.
(At the Broslovski house, Gerald and Sheila are sound asleep when the telephone rings.)
Gerald (answering it): Mmm, hello?...Yes?...What about him?...No, he's in bed...Yes, I'm sure...No, I'm not going to check...Uh-huh...Oh...And you waited this late to call...Okay...That's all right...Thanks for the concern...Okay, bye.
(Gerald hangs up the phone.)
Sheila: Who was it, dear?
Gerald: Mister Mackey, from the school. Seems to think Kyle's on a murderous rampage, or something.
Sheila: That's nice, dear. Go back to sleep.
Gerald: Mmm.
(Elsewhere, the guys, Wendy and Bebe are still walking down the street. Bebe is keeping a steady eye on Kyle's butt.)
Bebe (to herself, smiling): Yeah, baby, way to stretch those pants!
Wendy: Stan, how much farther is it? I have to pee.
Stan: Not far, I think we're almost there.
Kenny: {Pee in the woods.}
Wendy: Eewww, gross, Kenny! Woods pee is gross!
Cartman: You guys, I'm getting seriously...tired...back here. If only...I had...some...Cheesy Poofs or...Snacky Cakes...to sustain me.
Kyle: Yeah, pee in the woods. There's no sense in holding it in, you could hurt yourself.
Wendy: Well, okay, but no peeking, Stan...unless you really want to.
Stan: Oh, brother!
(Wendy goes off into the woods to pee.)
Kyle: I've gotta pee, too. You guys go ahead, we'll catch up with you.
(The others continue on, but Bebe stays behind and glares at Kyle.)
Kyle (shrugging): What?
(She soon turns and joins the others. Kyle removes a hatchet from under his coat and follows Wendy into the woods.)
Wendy (dropping her pants and beginning to pee): Ahh, that's better.
Kyle: You!
Wendy (spinning around, still peeing): Eeek!
Kyle: You're the reason Stan doesn't want to hang out with us, anymore! I'm not going to let you take him away from us, Wendy!
Wendy: Kyle! What are you doing here?!
Kyle: Something I should've done a long time ago!
Wendy: Well, I'm kind of busy right now, Kyle!
Kyle (pausing): Well, yes, I can see that. Okay, I'll wait.
Wendy: Do you MIND?!
(After a few seconds, he turns and faces the other way.)
Kyle: Just let me know when you're done.
(Several more seconds pass.)
Wendy: Okay, Kyle, you can turn around now.
(Kyle turns around and looks at her.)
Kyle: Okay.
(They stare at each other, then Kyle raises the hatchet and charges. Wendy screams and runs away from him, going deeper into the woods. He, eventually, traps her between a few trees.)
Kyle: Time for you to die, Wendy!
Wendy: No, Kyle! Don't!
(Kyle raises the hatchet above his head, roars in anger, and thrusts it downward. At the last second, he turns it away and it plunges into a tree.)
Kyle (annoyed): Dammit!
(He hops up against the tree and tries to yank the hatchet out, but it won't budge. Wendy growls and snarls, and knocks him to the ground and starts beating the crap out of him.)
Wendy (very pissed): WHAT THE [bleep] DO YOU THINK YOU'RE [bleep]ING DOING, YOU [bleep]ING SON OF A BITCH [bleep]HOLE?!?! IF YOU EVER [bleep]ING TRY ANY [bleep]ING THING LIKE THAT AGAIN, YOU'RE GONNA BE [bleep]ING [bleep]ING THE INSIDE OF A [bleep]ING [bleep], YOU [bleep]ING DICK!
(Kyle manages to push her off him and starts beating the crap out of her.)
Kyle: Yeah? Well, you better stop giving Stan [bleep]ing puberties and cooties, bitch, or you're gonna face the wrath of an angry Jew...more so...and I'll kick your [bleep]ing ass, Wendy!
Wendy: Ow! Stop it, Kyle! You're hurting me!
Kyle (stopping): Really? I mean...good!
(Kyle continues beating the crap out of her.)
Wendy: Ow!
(Eventually, he falls back on his back, out of breath.)
Kyle (panting): Ya know, there's...gotta be...a better way...to handle this.
(A few seconds pass.)
Kyle: Are you okay, Wendy?
Wendy (sitting up, sniffing): I think so. You know, it's not our fault Stan and I like each other, Kyle. We just do.
Kyle: It is your fault. You're the one screwing him up with all your puberties, Wendy!
Wendy: Listen, I don't know who you've been talking to, but that's NOT the way it works.
Kyle: Yes, it is, Mister Mackey told me.
Wendy: Yeah, well, Mister Mackey's full of [bleep], Kyle.
Kyle (pausing): You're just trying to confuse me.
Wendy: No, I'm not. Stan and I just really, really like being together, and that's all. That doesn't mean he's going to stop being your friend.
Kyle: It doesn't?
Wendy: No, Kyle. So, there's really no reason to be so bitchy about it.
Kyle: I guess not.
Wendy: So, are we friends again?
Kyle (chuckling): Yeah, right! We were never really friends, Wendy. I still don't like you.
Wendy (standing up): Fine! You can just go [bleep] yourself, then!
(She walks off.)
Kyle (standing up): Fine! I will! No, wait a minute...
(He stares in her direction for a moment, then starts walking in the opposite direction, and begins singing to the tune of the Simon & Garfunkel song "Bookends".)
Kyle (singing): Why did I try to hack up my best friend's girlfriend?
I don't know.
Could it be jealousy?
Or maybe insanity.
I would have en-joy-ed splitting her skull open.
Why didn't I?
Why [bleep]ing didn't I?
She would be dead now.
(Elsewhere, the others finally arrive at Mr. Garrison's house. They sit down on the ground to rest for a few minutes.)
Stan: Damn, who the hell knew Mister Garrison lived so far away?
Bebe: So, what do we do now, Stan?
Stan: I don't know, this was Kyle's idea. I guess we just wait for him and Wendy to get here.
(Kenny takes out a slice of bread and starts eating it.)
Stan: Damn, why didn't I think of that?
(Kenny stops eating, looks at Stan, then tears off two portions and gives each to Stan and Bebe.)
Stan: Thanks, dude.
Bebe: Thank you, Kenny.
(Everybody starts eating their piece of bread.)
Cartman (staring at Kenny): Ahem.
(Kenny ignores him.)
Cartman (jabbing Kenny with his elbow): Ahem!
(Kenny still ignores him.)
Cartman (attacking Kenny): GIMME THAT FREAKING BREAD, KENNY!!!
Kenny: {Fuck you, fatass!}
(He punches Cartman in the nuts. Cartman grabs his nuts and falls over in pain.)
Cartman: God DAMMIT!!!
(Kenny finishes off his bread.)
Stan: Hey, here comes Kyle, now.
Bebe: Hi, Kyle.
Kyle: Hi, guys. Is everybody ready?
Stan: Yeah, dude. Where's Wendy?
Kyle: You mean she's not here yet?
Stan: No, we haven't seen her.
Kyle: Oh. Well, she said something about...feeling bad. I think she went back home.
Stan: Oh.
Bebe: Did she say what was wrong, Kyle?
Kyle: I don't think so.
Bebe: I'd better go check on her and make sure she's okay. You guys don't mind, do you?
Stan: No, go ahead.
Kyle: Yeah, we understand.
Kenny: {Later, Bebe.}
Bebe: You guys are so sweet. Bye!
(Bebe leaves.)
Stan: Bitch.
(Kenny laughs.)
Kyle (chuckling): Dude?!
Stan: Dude, who wants a bunch of stupid girls hanging around all the time?
Kenny {Yeah, girls suck.}
Cartman (still in pain): Yeah...Dammit, Kenny!
Stan: Come on, guys. Let's go find out what Mister Garrison is up to.
Cartman (slowly standing up): Let's see, it's after midnight. He's probably asleep.
Stan: I don't think so, Cartman. There's a light on in the basement window and smoke coming out of the chimney.
(They all walk over to the basement window and try to look through it.)
Kyle: Dammit, this thing is filthy!
Stan: Spit on it and clean it, Kenny.
Kenny (pausing): {Fuck you.}
Kyle: Dude, don't be such a dick. Just spit on it and clean it.
Cartman: Yeah, Kenny!
(Grumbling angrily, Kenny spits on the window and starts wiping it with his arm. Suddenly, the glass breaks and he falls through it and lands in the middle of a large pile of naked Barbie dolls.)
Stan: Oh, my go--
(Kenny lifts his head up out of the pile and continues grumbling.)
Stan: Oh, never mind.
Garrison (holding a shovel and wearing nothing but a shirt tied around his waist): Okay, whoever that is, I've got a gun!
Stan: Quick, dudes, into the Barbies!
(Stan and Kyle dive through the window and bury themselves in the dolls, but Cartman gets stuck. Kenny goes back down with them.)
Cartman (panicking): You guys?! Help me!
Kyle: You know, Stan, we could've just ran for it.
Stan (pausing): Damn.
Garrison: Eric, what the hell are you doing here?!
Cartman: Nothing, Mister Garrison.
Garrison: Oh, don't give me that, you fat piece of [bleep]! You came here to spy on me, didn't you?
Kyle: Dude, what reeks?
Cartman: No, Mister Garrison, I was just...admiring...your lovely basement.
Garrison: Yeah, and Barney the dinosaur is a good role model. You get yourself down here, right now, Eric!
Cartman: I can't! I'm stuck!
Garrison: Well, get yourself unstuck, then!
(Kenny sniffs one of the Barbie dolls.)
Kenny: {Phew! Smells like dick juice!}
Kyle: You mean pee?
Kenny: {No, dude, the other kind.}
Stan: What other kind?
(A few seconds later, they come bursting out of the pile of dolls, screaming.)
Garrison: What the...
(They run around, screaming and wiping at their clothes.)
Kyle: Dammit! Get this [bleep]ing [bleep] off me!!!
Stan: A shower! I need a shower! GIMME A GODDAMN SHOWER!!!
Garrison: Okay, everybody just SHUT THE [bleep] UP!
Kyle: You're a [bleep]ing weirdo, you know that, Mister Garrison?!
Garrison (to himself): Fine, Plan-C, then...
Stan: Yeah, you [bleep]ing [bleep]!
Garrison: Children, if you'll let me, I can explain.
Kyle: Oh, boy! THIS should be [bleep]ing good!
Garrison: You see, I don't know what you think is going on here, but all I'm doing is burning these defective Barbie dolls to protect the environment.
Stan: Yeah, tell us another one, you sick bastard!
Garrison: It's true, Stanley. Every now and then, the company that makes these dolls forgets to add a chemical that keeps them from decomposing and releasing noxious fumes into the atmosphere, so they send them to me to destroy, because I use to work there.
(Silence fills the room.)
Stan: Oh. Well, that makes a lot of sense, dude.
Kyle: Yeah, it sort of does...I guess.
Stan: Yeah, I guess we owe you an apology.
Garrison: Well, I'll tell you what, boys. If you help me load the rest of these dolls into this furnace, we'll forget all about it.
(Cartman finally manages to free himself and falls into the pile of dolls.)
Cartman: Ow! God, it smells like my mom's perfume in here.
(Kenny laughs.)
Stan: Come on, fatboy. We have to help Mister Garrison protect the environment.
Garrison: Well, Mister Hat, I guess I covered that up pretty well.
Mr. Hat: You sure did, Mister Garrison.
(The guys grab shovels and start shoveling Barbie dolls into the furnace. When the pile is almost gone, Garrison stops, takes off his glasses and wipes the sweat off his face with a towel. Kenny moves in closer to the pile so he can reach it without stretching. Garrison starts shoveling again and scoops up Kenny, tosses him into the furnace and shuts the blast door.
Garrison: Well, I guess that just about does it.
(Kenny screams, bursts into flames and turns into dust.)
Stan: Oh, my god! They've killed Kenny!
Kyle (raising his fist into the air): You bastards!
Garrison: What? Who killed Kenny?
Kyle (raising his fist into the air): You, bastard!
Garrison: Well, I'm a "he", not a "they", kids. Anyway, thanks for all your help. You boys should probably be running along home now, since it is three A.M.
Stan: Yeah, it's kinda late. Come on, you guys. I'm tired, let's go home.
(They head for the basement stairs.)
Kyle: Goodnight, Mister Garrison.
Stan: Yeah, see ya.
Garrison: See you Monday, boys.
(They leave the house through the front door and begin the long walk home.)
Kyle: You know, I learned something today. I learned not to judge people based on what you hear about them, and that friendship is...
Cartman: Kyle?
Kyle: What, Cartman?!
Cartman: Do me a favor and shut the [bleep] up?
Kyle: Fine.
Stan: Hey, Kyle?
Kyle: Yeah, Stan?
Stan: Just so you know, Wendy's just my girlfriend, but you're my best friend. If it came down to a choice between you and her, she would lose every time.
Kyle: Thanks, dude. I think I needed to hear that.
Cartman: Geeze, guys, get a room or something.
Stan: Shut up, Cartman.
(Elsewhere, Wendy has gotten herself lost in the woods.)
Wendy: Guys? You guys! This isn't funny, anymore! IS ANYBODY LISTENING TO ME?!?!

THE END