SOUTH PARK
The Party
by Steve Sutton

Rated PC-MA

(Garrison is drawing something on the blackboard.)
Garrison: Okay, class, because of some stupid law that was just passed, you're required to learn about human reproduction, so let's get this over with.
Pip (raising his hand): Mister Garrison, sir?
Garrison: Yes, Pip, what is it?
Pip: I don't mean to be forward, or anything, but is this subject really appropriate for eight-year-olds?
Garrison: No, Pip, it isn't. That's why I'm going to try like hell to avoid talking about it.
Pip: Oh, I see.
Garrison (turning to the blackboard): Anyway, class, who can tell me what this is?
(Kyle raises his hand.)
Garrison: Yes, Kyle?
Kyle: A marshmallow?
Garrison: Sorry, Kyle. Anyone else?
Clyde: Is it the Empire State Building?
Garrison: No, Clyde, it's not the Empire State Building.
Kenny: {Oooooh! I know! It's a penis with a lot of hair around it!}
Garrison: It's a cloud, dammit! And this thing on top of it is the Kingdom of Heaven! Now, pay attention! When your mom and dad love each other very much, God rewards them by putting a baby in your mom's stomach. When the baby gets too big, she has to go to the hospital so the doctors can take it out.
Kyle: But, Mister Garrison...
Garrison: Yes, Kyle?
Kyle: I'm Jewish, we don't believe in God or Heaven.
Stan: Yeah, besides, everybody knows babies happen when a man puts his penis in a woman's vagina and squirts semen into it.
Clyde: Yeah.
Garrison: Well, that does it! You get yourself to the principal's office, right now, Stanley!
Stan: But what did I do?
Garrison: Sorry, Stan, but playing stupid isn't going to work this time.
(Stan looks at Kyle. Kyle shrugs and Stan heads to the principal's office.)
Garrison: Okay, now that we've got that nasty business out of the way, let's move onto the finer points of The Dukes of Hazzard. When the original Dukes left the show...
Cartman: Hey, you guys, my mom's going out of town this weekend, and she's leaving me home alone...you know, like in that movie, "Home Alone"...so, why don't you guys come over and we'll have a party, or something.
Kyle: Where's your mom going?
Cartman: She has to go to Denver for a business meeting.
Kyle: Business meeting? What the hell are you talking about, Cartman? Your mom doesn't work.
Cartman: She does so work! She happens to have a very good job, Kyle!
Kyle: Oh, yeah? Where?
Garrison: Is there a problem, boys?
Kyle: No, Mister Garrison. We were just talking about Cartman's mom's job.
Garrison: Well, his mom doesn't have a job, Kyle. She's a whore.
Cartman: Ay!
Garrison: Besides, what has she got to do with The Dukes of Hazzard?
Kenny: {She probably fucked them.}
Garrison: Yes, Kenny, very likely. Anyway, there were actually several different General Lees used during the show's production...
Cartman: So, you guys wanna come over, or what?
Kyle: Sure, whatever.
Kenny: {I'll be there.}
Pip: Sounds like jolly good fun, Eric.
Cartman: Yes, it does. Too bad you're going to miss it, Pip, ol' chap!
Pip (disappointed): Yes. Yes, that is too bad.
(Later that evening, the Marshes are at the dinner table, eating dinner. Shelley is making all kinds of slurping noises while she eats. Stan watches her uncomfortably.)
Stan: Mom, when is Shelley going to lose her headgear?
Shelley: Why? Is it bothering you, twerp?
Stan: No, dude, I was just asking.
Sharon: Well, Stan, the dentist isn't really sure.
Stan: Why not?
Randy: Your sister won't lay off the sweets, son.
Sharon: Yes, and all that sugar just keeps eating away at her teeth and gums.
Stan: But, I thought the headgear was just to keep her teeth straight.
Randy: It is, son, but it also keeps them from falling out.
Stan: Oh.
Shelley: Can we please stop talking about my teeth?
Sharon: Of course, dear.
Stan: Don't you brush you're teeth, Shelley?
Shelley: I'll brush you if you don't change the subject, twerp
Stan (pausing): What does THAT mean?
Randy: Now, son, let's not dwell on your sister's shortcomings.
Sharon: Yes, Stan. Tell us what you learned in school, today.
Stan: Oh. Well, Mister Garrison told us where babies come from.
(Randy chokes on some food.)
Sharon (shocked): He...did?
Stan: Yeah, he explained the whole thing.
Sharon (flatly): He did?
Stan: Yep.
Sharon: Well, what exactly did he say, Stanley?
Stan: He said that babies happen when a mother and father love each other very much, and that their love is rewarded with a baby that God sends down from Heaven.
Sharon (relieved): Ohh...
Stan: Yeah, and when I told him that babies happen when a man puts his penis in a woman's vagina and squirts semen into it, I got sent to the principal's office.
(Sharon almost faints and falls out of her seat.)
Randy (standing up): Stanley Marsh, you get upstairs to bed right this minute, mister!
Stan: But I'm not finished eating.
Randy: Well, you should've thought of that before giving your mother a coronary!
Stan (getting up): Man!
Shelley (taunting): Stan got in trou-ble, Stan got in trou-ble...
Stan: Shut up, Shelley.
(Shelley punches him as he starts for the stairs.)
Shelley: You want a piece of me, twerp?
Sharon: That's enough, you two! Stanley, up to bed, now!
Stan: I'm going!
(Stan climbs the stairs, goes into his room, picks up the telephone and dials.)
Stan: Hey, can I come over to your house and watch Terrance and Phillip? My parents are being a couple of dicks...Okay, see ya.
(He hangs up the phone, and exits his room. Later, Stan is at Kyle's house, sitting on the couch, watching television.)
Phillip: Hey, Terrance! Did you have cheese sandwiches for lunch?
Terrance: Yes, I did, Phillip. How did you know? Are you psychic?
Phillip: No, I'm not psychic, Terrance. I just smelled the cheese in your ass!
Terrance: You mean there's still cheese in my ass?
Phillip: There sure is, Terrance!
Kyle (chuckling): Dude, this is gonna be cool.
Terrance: Well, I'd better fart it out, then, Phillip!
(Terrance farts a big clump of digested cheese out of his ass, and they both laugh. Kyle and Stan lose it and go into hysterics. Ike comes bouncing in.)
Ike: Ma goomb shish enshob.
Kyle: Dammit, Ike, get out of the way!
Ike: Dow winner.
Kyle (getting up): Okay, Ike, you asked for it. Kick the baby!
Ike: Daoon't kick the baby.
(Kyle punts Ike into a garbage can. Ike laughs. Kyle hops back up on the couch.)
Kyle: So, are you coming to Cartman's party on Saturday?
Stan: I guess. Why is fatass having a party? It's not his birthday.
Kyle: I know. I guess he just wants to feel like a big man since his mom's going out of town.
Stan: Really? Where's she going?
Kyle: Denver.
Stan: Denver?
Kyle: Yep.
Stan: Why the hell is she going to Denver, dude?
Kyle: Who the hell knows? Probably to [bleep] somebody, that's my guess.
Stan: Yeah.
Terrance: Oh, my, Phillip! That last fart really hurt my ass! Would you check it for me and make sure it's all right?
Phillip: Sure, I will, Terrance! What are friends for?
(Phillip checks Terrance's ass and Terrance farts more digested cheese in his face, then they start laughing. Stan and Kyle laugh so hard, they both fall off the couch.)
Kyle: Killer!
(Saturday arrives, and Cartman's mom is getting ready to leave.)
Mrs. Cartman: Now, there's lots of food in the refrigerator, hon', so if your tummy starts growling, you won't have to call mommy at the hotel, okay?
Cartman: Sure, ma.
(The doorbell rings.)
Mrs Cartman (walking off to answer it): Why, that must be the babysitter now.
Cartman (pausing): What?! Ma! I don't need a babysitter!
Mrs. Cartman: Sure you do, hon'. You didn't think mommy was going to leave you all alone in this big, empty house for two days, did you?
Cartman: But, ma...
(Mrs. Cartman opens the door to reveal Cindy Lauper.)
Cindy: Hi, I'm here to babysit Eric.
Mrs. Cartman: Of course, dear. Come on in, I'm just on my way out. Eric, hon', this is Mrs. Lauper. Now, you do what she tells you to do while I'm gone, or you'll make mommy sad, okay?
Cartman: Man, this is so lame!
Cindy: I'm sure we'll be fine, Mrs. Cartman.
Mrs. Cartman: Okay, then. I'll see you tomorrow night, hon'.
(Mrs. Cartman leaves.)
Cindy: So, Eric, what would you like to do?
(Cartman waits for his mom to drive away.)
Cartman: I know, why don't we play a little game I know called Go Away.
Cindy: Sounds like fun. How do you play?
Cartman: Well, first, we have to go outside, because it's that kind of game.
Cindy: Cool.
(Cindy walks out the door and Cartman slams it behind her.)
Cindy: Oh. Fun-ny. Who needs this [bleep]ing job, anyway? I'm a [bleep]ing millionaire, for Christ sake!
(Cindy goes away. Later, the party is underway and totally out of control. Several kids are screaming and swinging from the chandelier, while others are chasing the cat around, trying to grab its tail.
Kyle: Dammit, who the hell invited all these [bleep]ing people? I thought it was going to be just us.
Cartman: Well, apparently, I'm a lot cooler than I thought.
Stan: Shut up, Cartman. This thing is getting way out of hand.
Cartman: Dude. Relax. It's a party and there are no freaking adults around to screw it up, so enjoy it. Here, have some chocolate milk.
(Stan takes the chocolate milk and takes a sip from it.)
Stan: Wow, this is the best damn chocolate milk I ever tasted!
(Kyle takes the cup from Stan and tastes it.)
Kyle: Hey, you're right! This stuff is great!
Stan (snatching the cup back): Get your own, dickwad!
Kyle (grabbing at the cup): No, you get your own, asshole! This one's mine!
Stan: No, it's not, dick! I had it first!
Cartman (reaching for the cup): No, I had it first! I just let you guys taste it and now I want it back!
Kyle: [bleep] off, you fat penis! It's mine!
Cartman: No, it's not, you guys! I had it first! It's mine!
Stan: I'll kick your ass, Cartman!
Cartman: Yeah? Well, I'll kick your ass right back, Stan!
(Kenny snatches the cup away from them. The rest of the day blurs into a mess of swirling colors and distorted sounds. They wake up the next day with very unpleasant hangovers.)
Kyle (holding his head): [bleep], what happened?
(Stan throws up.)
Kyle: Oh. Yeah, now I remember.
Cartman: I'll never drink chocolate milk again, you guys.
Stan: Please, dude, don't shout.
Kyle: Damn, anybody know what time it is?
Cartman (checking the clock on the wall): It looks like four thirty.
Stan: Dude, that can't be right. It's daylight out.
Kyle: Wait, what time did we get here?
Stan: I don't know, but it was dark.
(Silence fills the room.)
Cartman: No, it can't be.
Kyle: Dammit, Cartman, it's Sunday afternoon! We slept through the whole day!
Stan: You and your stupid chocolate milk, fatass!
Cartman: Well, don't blame me! I didn't know someone was gonna spike it!
Kyle: Look at this place, we've gotta clean it up before that slut of a mom of yours gets back.
Stan: Yeah, she could be back any minute now.
Kyle: Yeah, where's Kenny?
(They remember.)
Kyle: Uh-oh.
(They go into the kitchen and find Kenny stuffed halfway down the garbage disposal drain, with the disposal still on and blood splattered everywhere.)
Stan: Oh, my god! We killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastards!
(They stand around and look at Kenny.)
Stan: Damn, how the hell do you suppose we got him in there?
Cartman: Some things are best left unknown, you guys. Seriously.
(They stare at him for a minute longer, then spend the next two hours cleaning up.)
Cartman (looking out the window): You guys, hurry up! My mom's back!
Stan: It would go a lot faster if you helped, Cartman!
Kyle: Yeah, this is your house, fatass!
Cartman (whining): You guys, hurry!
Kyle: Remind me to kick his ass later.
(Stan and Kyle throw the last of the mess in a closet and shut the door just as Mrs. Cartman enters.)
Cartman: Hi, mom.
Mrs. Cartman: Hi there, sweety! Did you have a good time with Mrs. Lauper while mommy was gone?
Cartman: Uh, sure. But she got...sick and...went home.
Mrs Cartman: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, hon'. Why, hello, boys. How are you doing today?
Stan: Fine, I guess.
Kyle: Yeah, how was your trip, Mrs. Cartman?
Mrs. Cartman: Oh, very refreshing, Kyle. Just what the doctor ordered.
Kyle: That's good. Come on, dude. I think we should go now.
Stan (sarcastically): Nice party, Cartman! We really should do it again, sometime.
Mrs. Cartman: Party? What party is he talking about, hon'?
Cartman: Uh...
Kyle: See ya!
(Stan and Kyle walk out the front door.)
Stan: Man, my mom's going to be pissed!
Kyle: Mine, too. I told her I'd be back before midnight.
Stan: Dude, I really learned something, today. I learned that chocolate milk and booze just DO NOT go together, no matter how good they taste.
Kyle: I know what you mean, dude. I know what you mean.

THE END