SOUTH PARK
The K-Files: Screw The Future
by Steve Sutton

Rated PC-MA

(Bebe is standing on a stage. A bright spotlight hits her.)
Bebe: Hey! Turn it down! Are you trying to blind me, or something?!
(The light becomes less bright. Bebe composes herself.)
Bebe: And, now, the town of South Park presents an experiment in drama. The following is a parody of the movie, "The X-Files: Fight The Future", but with a twist. We hope you enjoy it.
(She stands around for several seconds, waiting for the spotlight to go off. It finally does.)

MOVIE TITLE SEQUENCE ROLLS

(South Park, Colorado: 65 million years ago - The climate is warm and tropical. The landscape is filled with huge trees and weird vegetation. Dinosaurs, great and small, drink at a large lake, pterodactyls fly over it on the warm, rising air, and Kenny McCormick farts in a nearby grassy area. The dinosaurs and pterodactyls, eventually, smell the fart and gag to death. The fart is carried by the wind, until it covers most of the world, killing everything in its path.
South Park, Colorado: the present - City workers are digging up the ground for a new septic system at South Park Elementary. They break through into an air pocket.)
Buck: Whoa! Hold up, there, Big Bubba!
Bubba: Huh?
Buck: Stop digging, you freaking moron, and back the bulldozer up! I think we hit something!
Bubba: Stop diggin'?
Buck: Yeah, God dammit! You're gonna cause a cave-in!
Bubba: So, Bubba stop in few minutes?
Buck: Now, dammit!
Bubba: Bubba stop now?
Buck: Yes, now! Whaaaa...
(The ground Buck's standing on collapses and he falls into the air pocket.)
Bubba: Bubba stop now.
Buck (after falling 50 feet and hitting the ground hard): Oooooffff!!!
(Bubba gets out of the bulldozer and looks down into the pocket.)
Bubba (shouting): Boss okay?
Buck (standing up): Yeah, just got the wind knocked out of me, that's all.
Bubba: What boss see?
(Buck looks around.)
Buck: Well, it's kinda hard to see anything. Throw me down a flashlight.
(Bubba gets a flashlight from the dozer and throws it down. Buck catches it and turns it on.)
Buck: A lot of granite, down here, some big boulders, too. Smells kinda like sulfur.
Kenny: {Hello!}
Buck: Aaaaa!!!
Bubba: What wrong, boss?!
Buck: What the...kid, how the hell did you get down here?
(Kenny takes out a crude, stone knife.)
Buck: Well, you better just hand that to me, kid. That doesn't look like a toy.
Bubba: Boss okay?
Buck: Hold on, Big Bubba.
(Kenny goes up to him and starts to hand him the knife, then stops.)
Kenny: {Mmm...uh-uh.}
(Kenny jams the knife into his gut. Buck screams and drops to the ground. Kenny raises the knife above his head and rams it into Buck several times. Blood splatters everywhere. He twists and turns the knife when he sticks it in for the last time, and Buck finally dies.)
Bubba: Boss okay?
(No answer.)
Bubba: Bubba boss okay?
Kenny (looking up): {Yeah, get some rope and get me out of here.}
Bubba (pausing): Okay, boss! Bubba be back!
(He goes to get some rope. Elsewhere, Special Agents Stan Marsh and Wendy Testaburger are trying to find a bomb at Agent Marsh's house. Agent Testaburger is walking along the side of the house, in the backyard, talking into a cellphone.)
Testaburger: It's not out here, Marsh. I checked all the trash cans and everything.
Marsh: Did you check Sparky's doghouse?
Testaburger: Yes, Marsh. It's gotta be inside!
Marsh: Well, I haven't found anything. Maybe, we've got the wrong house. I'm going to get something to drink. You want anything?
Testaburger: Got any purple stuff?
Marsh: Hold on, I'll check.
(Marsh goes into the kitchen. Agent Kyle Broslovski is there, checking the cabinets.)
Marsh: Find anything, dude?
Broslovski: No, nothing.
Marsh: Me, neither. I'm starting to think we're on a wild goose chase.
(Marsh opens the fridge. The bomb is inside, with less than a minute on the timer.)
Marsh: Oh, dude! This is not good!
Broslovski: Whoa! You found it!
Marsh (into cellphone): Testaburger, you there?
Testaburger: Yeeaaaahhhh...
Marsh: We found the [bleep]ing thing! It's gonna blow in forty-three seconds! Get away from the house!
Broslovski: I can disarm it, dude.
Marsh (pausing): Really?
Broslovski: Yeah.
Marsh (into cellphone): It's okay, Testaburger. You don't have to go anywhere, Agent Broslovski's gonna disarm it.
Broslovski: No, dude. I think you both better go incase I [bleep] up.
Marsh (pausing): Dude, I'm not gonna leave you here with that thing if you're gonna [bleep] up!
Broslovski: Fine, I won't [bleep] up, then. Now, go!
(Marsh just stares at him. Broslovski points at the timer, which reads 17 seconds. Marsh looks down, then puts his hand on Broslovski's shoulder.)
Marsh: Dude, it's been great working with ya.
(He, then, makes a hasty retreat. Broslovski just stands there and watches the timer tick down.)
Kyle: Damn, I wonder why that guy didn't do anything.
(Outside the house, Marsh and Testaburger are running away from it. The house, suddenly, turns into a fireball behind them, and they get thrown into the air by the explosion and land hard on their heads. After being dizzy for a minute, they stand up and look back towards the remains of the house.)
Wendy: Stan, did your folks say it was okay to blow up their house like that?
Stan: No. I guess I should've asked first.
(Kyle joins them from off-screen.)
Kyle (chuckling): Editing.
(Later, the agents are sitting in Assistant Director Garrison's office as he reads their reports.)
Garrison: I must say, Stanley, your penmanship could certainly be a lot better.
Stan: Marsh, Mister Garrison.
Garrison: What?
Stan: Call me Marsh, dude.
Garrison: Oh, that's right. We're doing your stupid, little movie thing, aren't we? Well, Marsh, I've got another assignment for you. There seems to be a pre-prehistoric murderer of some sort on the loose in South Park, and you need to find out who or what it is so it can be dealt with.
Stan (pausing): What's that got to do with the movie?
Garrison: I haven't seen the movie, Marsh, I'm just reading what's on this little piece of paper, here.
Stan: Oh.
Testaburger: We'll get right on that, Assistant Director Garrison!
Garrison: Well, I'm glad to here that, Special Agent Testaburger. I think we can do without the titles, Wendy.
Marsh: Let's go, Testaburger. We've got a murderer to find.
(They leave. Garrison looks at Mr. Hat.)
Garrison: Mister Hat, take that stupid cigarette out of your mouth.
(Elsewhere, two old ladies are on a street corner, waiting for a bus.)
Gerty: ...And, then, that nice Mister Phelps ate the pudding, and I couldn't help but laugh, because it tickled, don't you know.
Edna: Yes, pudding always tickles when it's fresh, because it's all tingly and warm. Why, just last night, Frederick and I...
(Kenny suddenly pops up behind them and sticks his knife into Gerty's head. Blood starts shooting out and the ladies start screaming.)
Edna: Oh, my god! Call nine-one-one! Call nine-one-one!
(Gerty falls to the ground. Officer Barbrady walks by.)
Barbrady (word-by-word): Oh, look! Someone is being prehistorically murdered! I better stop him!
(He grabs Kenny.)
Barbrady (word-by-word): Hey, you! Stop that! You are breaking the law!
(Kenny slits Barbrady's throat.)
Barbrady (word-by-word): Oh, no! What a way to die!
(Barbrady drops. Marsh and Testaburger round the corner.)
Marsh: What the hell...
Testaburger: Marsh, that must be the pre-prehistoric murderer!
Marsh: Hey, yeah! You with the knife! Stop! Stan Marsh, FBI!
Kenny (looking up): {Huh?}
(Kenny jumps up and runs away. The agents chase after him. After knocking down several people along the way, they arrive at a train station.)
Marsh (shouting): Dude! I said STOP!
(Marsh almost catches up with him, but then is tackled from the side.)
Stan: Ow! God dammit, Cartman! Get your fat ass off me! You weigh a ton!
Cartman: You cannot have...my precious alien. I have prevented you from capturing it.
Wendy: Cartman, what the hell are you doing? You're not even suppose to be in this part!
Stan: Yeah, Cartman! Now, get the [bleep] off me before I kick your ass!
Cartman: My evil superiors will be pleased, and they will give me lots of Cheesy Poofs.
Stan: Cartman!
(Kenny hops on a departing train, looks back and laughs. Stan pushes Cartman off him and stands up.)
Kyle: Dammit, fatass, you made Kenny get away! That wasn't suppose to happen, yet!
Wendy: Yeah, stick to the script, you [bleep]ing idiot!
Cartman: Ay! I was just trying to liven this sucky thing up a little, you guys! Who wrote this stupid thing, anyway?!
Stan: You KNOW who wrote it! Kyle and I spent almost a whole week on it!
Cartman: Well, you guys are no Chris Carter, that's for sure.
Kyle: What?! And you think you could've done any better?
Cartman: A blindfolded monkey could've done better than this piece of crap!
Kyle: Well, you're stuck with it, Cartman, so get used to it!
Stan: Yeah, now go away until we need you.
Cartman: Fine! Screw you guys, I'm going home!
(He leaves.)
Kyle (checking the script): Okay, where were we?
Stan: I think the playground scene is next, dude.
Kyle: Yeah, but Kenny got away early. We need filler for five minutes.
Stan: Well, you're directing this thing, dude. Think of something.
Kyle: I'm all out of ideas.
(Stan looks at Wendy and smiles.)
Stan: I've got one.
(Later, the agents are in bed, together, in a dark hotel room.)
Testaburger: Oh, Marsh!
Marsh: Oh, Testaburger!
Testaburger: Oh, Marsh!
Marsh: Oh, Testaburger!
Testaburger: Oh, Marsh!
Marsh: Oh, Testaburger!
Testaburger: Oh, Marsh!
Marsh: Oh, Testaburger!
Kyle: Oh, brother!
(Later, the agents arrive in a high-priced suburb out in the middle of the desert. They make their way to a public playground.)
Testaburger: Marsh, the train tracks pass by this town. Do you think he could've gotten off here?
Marsh: It's worth checking out. I don't think there's anywhere else around here for at least thirty miles.
Testaburger: Maybe, those kids over there can help.
Marsh: Yeah. Hey, guys!
(The kids ride their bikes over to them.)
Clyde: Yeah?
Marsh: Have you guys seen a little kid in a bubblegoose with a knife around here? He probably tried to kill you, or something.
Tweek: Oh, God, man! He killed everyone! He killed everyone, man, and we're the only ones left! We're the only ones left!!! Arghghghgh!!!
Testaburger: So, he was here, then?
Pip: Yes, ma'am. He was here, but he left some time ago.
Marsh: Well, do you guys know where he went?
Clyde: Why should we tell you? You probably just want to molest us, or something.
Marsh: No, dude. We're with the FBI.
Clyde: You look more like coroners.
Tweek: Yeah, man! Coroners! Weird-ass coroners, man! Get away from me!!!
(Marsh takes out his badge and shoves it in their faces.)
Clyde: Oh.
Tweek: Oh, God! Oh, Jesus! We're going to jail! We're going to jail, man!!!
Marsh: Calm down, dude! Just tell us where that kid went.
(The kids slowly raise their arms, in unison, and point in the same direction.)
Marsh: That way?
Pip: Yes, sir. He went inside one of those domes, over there.
(The agents look, but don't see any domes.)
Marsh: Uh...what domes?
Pip: Well, you have to climb up on top of the slide to be able to see them.
Marsh: Oh.
(He climbs up on top of the slide and sees them.)
Marsh: Ah, those domes.
Testaburger: Why can't I see them, Marsh?
Marsh: Well, for one thing, this fence is in the way. The other thing is that there's a bunch of tall corn stalks around it.
Testaburger: Corn in the middle of the desert?
Marsh: Yeah, I know...weird.
(Marsh slides down the slide.)
Marsh: Hey, that was fun!
(He climbs up it and slides down again.)
Marsh: Whoa! Testaburger, you gotta try this!
Testaburger: Okay. Maybe, later. Right now, we've got to find that kid and stop him before he kills anyone else!
Marsh: Yeah, you're right. Thanks for the help, kids. Come on, let's go.
(They start for the domes.)
Tweek: Arghghghghgh!
(Halfway through the corn stalks, Wendy starts sneezing.)
Wendy: AH-CHOOO!!!
Stan: Gesundheit.
Wendy: Stan, I think I'm allergic to corn.
Stan: It's probably just pollen from the husks, or something. We're almost through it, anyway. Just hang on.
Wendy: AH-CHOOOOOO!!!
(Marsh and Testaburger arrive on the other side of the corn stalks. They walk up to one of the big, white domes.)
Marsh: Whoa! This is like something out of that movie "Plymouth"!
Testaburger (sniffing, red-nosed): Yeah, I don't see any way in, though.
Marsh: Maybe, the door's on the other side. Come on.
(They walk halfway around to the other side of the dome and find a door. The agents draw their guns.)
Marsh: Okay, I'll take the head, you take the body.
(They wait a few seconds.)
Marsh: I said, I'll take the head, you take the body.
Testaburger (pausing): Right.
(They wait some more.)
Stan (pissed): All right, where the hell is Cartman? He's suppose to be stopping us right now!
Kyle: I don't know, dude. He should be here. Cartman!!!
(Cartman doesn't answer. Stan opens the door to the dome and looks in.)
Stan: Kenny, have you seen Cartman?
Kenny: {No, dude. He's not out there?}
Stan: No, we don't know where the hell he is.
(At Cartman's house, Cartman is sitting on the couch, eating Cheesy Poofs and watching TV.)
Terrance: Hey, Phillip! What's that you're wearing?
Phillip: It's my new farting suit, Terrance! It makes my farts even louder!
Terrance: Wow, Phillip! That's amazing! How does it work?
Phillip: Like this, Terrance!
(Phillip farts a lion's roar. Terrance is knocked to the ground and they laugh.)
Cartman (eating and laughing): Swee--
(He chokes on a Cheesy Poof. Eventually, it goes down.)
Cartman (quieter): Sweet.
(Back at the dome...)
Kyle: Dammit! I guess we'll just have to do the [bleep]ing scene without him!
(Stan shuts the door.)
Kyle: Okay, guys. Pick it up from where you left off.
(They get into position.)
Marsh: I'll take the head, you take the body.
(Marsh kicks open the door. The agents rush in, scan the area and locate their target. Kenny spins around to see them, panics, and jumps into a metal tube in the floor and closes and locks the hatch to it. Marsh rushes over to the hatch and tries to open it, but it won't budge.)
Marsh: Dammit! We almost had him! See if you can find a crowbar!
(Suddenly, hordes of bees start coming out of the air vents in the floor. The dome is soon filled with them. Marsh and Testaburger try to wave them away and make for the exit.)
Testaburger: Where the [bleep] are all these [bleep]ing bees coming from, Marsh?!
Marsh: I don't know, somewhere underground! Keep moving and try not to eat any!
(They make it to the door and close it behind them. The few bees that come out with them fly away. They take a moment to catch their breath.)
Testaburger: What the hell is going on here?!
Marsh: Obviously, some kind of evil plot to take over the world with bees and corn. We've got to warn somebody!
(They hear a fast, chopping sound in the distance. Looking up, they see two black helicopters coming toward them.)
Testaburger: [bleep]!
Marsh: Well, here we go, again.
Jimbo (in one helicopter): There they are, Ned!
Ned (in the other one): MmmmI see themmmm.
Jimbo: Now, remember the plan. We fly around and keep the light on them for as long as we can, then we leave. Got it?
Ned: Mmmgot it.
Jimbo: And, if we have to, we can napalm their asses! Let's just hope it doesn't come to that.
Ned: Mmmmsounds like funmmmm.
Jimbo: Now, Ned, that's my nephew down there, so if we do have to use napalm, I'm going to have to be really drunk and really stupid. Now, I brought along a few bottles of fermented Irish whiskey. I already drunk two of them and I'm almost finished with the third, so I should be able to do it. But, if I can't, it's gonna be up to you. You think you can handle it?
Ned: I won't let you down, Jimbommmmm.
Jimbo: Okay, it's time, Ned! Hit the light!
(Marsh and Testaburger are suddenly blinded by the floodlights of the two helicopters.)
Stan: God dammit! I can't see!
Wendy: Stan, what's happening?!
Stan: Those dicks up there both have their lights on us at the same time!
Kyle (shouting from a distance): Stay in character, guys!
Stan (fed-up, shouting back): Kyle...
Kyle (shouting): What?
Stan: (shouting): Never mind!
Marsh: We're gonna have to split up, Testaburger! Go for the corn, we'll meet on the other side!
Testaburger: Okay, which way is it, Marsh? I can't see!
Marsh: Anywhere! Just go any-[bleep]ing-where!
(They run for the corn.)
Jimbo: God dammit, what the hell do they think they're doing?! If they go in all that corn down there, we won't be able to see them!
Ned: Mmmit looks like they're splitting up, too, Jimbommmm.
Jimbo: Well, if that ain't a kick in the crotch! This is just like that time I was abducted by aliens, all those years ago! Ned, get the napalm ready! Looks like we're gonna have to burn them out of there.
Ned: Oh, goodymmmm.
Marsh (running through the corn): Testaburger! Where are you?!
Testaburger (running through the corn, sneezing): AH-CHOOO!!!
Marsh: Testaburger!
Testaburger: Marsh! AH-CHOOOOOO!!!
Jimbo: All right, Ned! Release the napalm!!!
Ned: Mmmmdown we go.
(Hot napalm drops from the bottom of the helicopters and ignites the corn in a brilliant, orange glow. The corn starts popping like popcorn.)
Stan: Holy crap!!! Wendy, where are you?!
Wendy: I'm over here!
Stan: The corn's on fire! Get out of here, dude!
Wendy: I'm trying, Stan, but I think I'm lost!
Stan: Well, just keep talking and I'll find you!
Wendy: Stan, this wasn't in the script, was it? I mean, if I had known I might be burned to a crisp, I wouldn't have even considered doing this stupid thing!
Stan: No, Wendy, it wasn't in the script! I'm gonna have to have a little talk with Uncle Jimbo when we get out of this!
Wendy: Stan, I hate to admit this, but I'm really, really scared, right now!
(Stan finds her. They hug.)
Wendy: Oh, Stan!
Stan: I'm scared, too, Wendy. Come on, I think we need to go this way.
(They head for a clearing and finally make it out of the corn. They keep walking until they are far away from it, then collapse on the ground. Kyle comes running up to them.)
Kyle: Dammit, dude! Are you guys okay?!
Wendy: No, we're not okay! Do we really look okay to you, Kyle?!
Stan: Yeah, dude. Sorry, but we're done. This [bleep]ing thing is over!
Kyle: Well, uh...
Stan: Dude?
(Kyle chuckles nervously.)
Stan: Dude.
(Kyle puts his hands behind his back and grins.)
Stan: Dude, don't tell me they already set off the underground nuke.
Kyle (checking his watch): No, dude, not yet.
Stan: Oh. Good.
Kyle: Yeah, there's still...uh...eight...seven seconds left.
Stan (pausing): Dammit!!!
Wendy: Where the [bleep] did you get a [bleep]ing nuke, Stan?!?!
Stan: My Uncle Jimbo got it from a mail-order military surplus store. I'll tell you about it, later. Right now, we have to run!
Wendy: Run?
(The ground suddenly starts shaking. They look and see a huge dust cloud rising up over the desert about a mile away. The ground is crumbling away beneath it.)
Stan: Yeah, run.
(They start running away from the huge, growing hole in the ground.)
Jimbo: Holy smokes, Ned! Will you look at that?! Is it suppose to cave-in on itself like that?!
Ned: MmmmI don't know, Jimbommmm, but I'm getting out of heremmmm.
Jimbo: Yeah. Yeah, I think you're right, Ned. All that dust will clog up our intake valves. Come on, let's do a one-eighty before it's too late!
(The helicopters turn and head away.)
Wendy: We're not gonna make it, Stan!
Kyle: Yeah, the ground's going way too fast, dude! Why the hell didn't we just use crappy special effects for this?!
Stan: Dude, you're the one who wanted it to be authentic!
Kyle: Yeah, but not THIS [bleep]ing authentic!
(The hole reaches the dome and engulfs it.)
Kyle: Stan?
Stan: Yeah?
Kyle: If we don't make it, I just want you to know...
(The ground gradually stops shaking.)
Kyle: Oh, never mind.
Wendy: Hey, guys! I think it's stopping!
Stan: Yeah, I think you're right, Wendy
(They stop running and look back. The dust starts to settle into the two-mile-wide hole. Everything gets quiet.)
Stan: Whoa! This is pretty [bleep]ed-up, right here.
(Slowly, something starts to rise out of the hole.)
Kyle: That can't be what I think it is.
Stan: Yeah, dude. I think it is.
Kyle: Yeah, but how the hell can it still be in one piece?!
(They watch as the object clears the hole and hovers in the dust above it.)
Wendy: Oh, my god! Stan, the Visitors are back! What are we going to do?!
Stan: That's not really a Visitor ship, Wendy. It's just a big balloon we made up to look like one with a bunch of cardboard and tin foil.
Wendy: Really, Stan? It looks so real!
(The balloon centers itself directly over them and stops.)
Stan: Uh, shouldn't someone tell Kenny we're not doing the movie, anymore?
Kyle (shouting upward): Hey, Kenny! Come on down! We've stopped doing the movie!
(A circular hatch opens in the bottom of the balloon, revealing an antimatter ray gun covered with electricity.)
Wendy: Uh, guys?
Stan: Don't worry, Wendy. Uncle Jimbo got that thing from the same place he got the nuke from. They've got a whole line of stuff left over from SDI.
Kyle (putting his hands around his mouth, shouting): Kenny! You can stop now!
Stan: I don't think he can hear you, dude.
(A light-blue targeting ray suddenly shoots down and engulfs them.)
Stan: Dude, I'm starting to get really worried, here. If Kenny can't hear us, then he thinks we're still doing the movie...and he's gonna fire that thing!
Kyle (shouting): Kenny, you [bleep]ed-up, [bleep]ing piece of [bleep]!!! Turn that [bleep]ing thing off!!!
Stan: It's no use, dude. That gun is just too loud.
Jimbo: All right, Ned. I think that's far enough.
(They turn the helicopters around and stop. Looking back, they see the Visitor ship balloon shooting the targeting ray on Stan, Kyle and Wendy.)
Ned: Mmmmlook, Jimbommm. Mmmmit's a spaceshipmmmm.
Jimbo: Yeah, I see it, Ned! And it's got Stan and the others! So, they think they can keep messing with my family, huh? Well, think again, you damn aliens! Stay here, Ned! I've got a score to settle, and, this time, it's personal!
(Jimbo throttles the helicopter and it flies forward.)
Jimbo: Dammit! Why the hell are they just standing there? Why don't they move?!
(The antimatter gun starts pulsing with electricity as it prepares to fire.)
Stan: Oh, my god! Kenny's gonna kill us!
Kyle (raising his fist): You bastard!
(Inside the balloon, Kenny is looking down at them. He laughs meanly.)
Kyle: Dude, I think Kenny's enjoying this way too much.
Stan: Yeah, it must be all those times he was the one that got killed, or something.
Wendy: Stan, I don't want to die like this!
Stan: Don't worry, babe. If we die, we'll die together, and that's what counts.
Kyle: Hey, look! I think your Uncle Jimbo's coming to save us!
Stan: Hey, yeah! It is!
Jimbo: All right, you alien bastards! It's Miller time!!!
(Jimbo pulls the helicopter up and it starts flying up the targeting ray.)
Jimbo: Hello, boys!!! I'm baaaaaaaaaack!!!
(He sees the antimatter gun pulsing and suddenly gets sober again.)
Jimbo: Wait a minute! What the hell am I doing? I was never abducted by aliens!
(He reaches down and pulls the ejection handle on his seat. The canopy flies off and rockets under the seat fire, thrusting him out of the helicopter, narrowly missing the rotors. A parachute deploys and he drifts down to safety. Kenny watches as the helicopter comes up from below.)
Kenny: {AW, FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK...}
(The helicopter hits the antimatter gun and explodes. The gun is dislodged from the balloon and starts falling toward the kids. Stan, Kyle and Wendy scream as it suddenly dawns on them to move out of the way. The gun crashes to the ground and breaks apart. Fire engulfs the entire balloon and it crashes to the ground.)
Stan (out of breath): Oh, my god. He killed Kenny.
(Stan, Kyle and Wendy look at each other and smile.)
Stan, Kyle & Wendy: Hooray!
(Jimbo rushes over to them.)
Jimbo: Kids, are you okay?!
Stan: Yeah, we think so.
Jimbo: Stan, you have to forgive me for what I tried to do back there! I was stoned out of my mind and I didn't know what the hell I was doing! I'd never let anything happen to you, you know that, right?
Stan: Yeah, I guess.
Kyle: You saved us, dude! What the hell are you apologizing for?!
Stan: Yeah, Uncle Jimbo! You're a hero!
Wendy: Yeah! Hey, I've got an idea! Let's all go to Happy Burger and celebrate!
Kyle: Yeah, I'm starved!
Jimbo: Great idea, Wendy! Who's buying?
(Stan, Kyle & Wendy look at each other.)
Stan: We don't have any money.
Jimbo: I'm just kiddin' around with you guys, Stan. Come on, let's go. It's on me.
(They start walking away.)
Stan: Kyle, let's not ever do anything like this again, okay?
Kyle: Yeah, this whole thing was a disaster.
Wendy: You guys know what?
Stan: What?
Wendy: If you ever do try anything like this again, I'm going to have to do something about it.
Kyle: Yeah? Like what?
Wendy: Well, I was thinking, maybe, boiling both you guys in battery acid, or something along those lines, because I'll be [bleep]ed if I'm going through anything like this ever again!
Stan: Good idea, Wendy.
Kyle (chuckling): Yeah.

THE END