SOUTH PARK
Mephestein
by Steve Sutton

Rated PC-MA

(The guys are walking home from the bus stop, after school.)
Cartman: Guess what kind of costume I'm wearing tonight, you guys.
Stan: A fatass costume?
Kyle: It can't be better than mine, dude. I'm going as a warlock.
Stan: Yeah, and I'm wearing a Darth Maul costume. What about you, Kenny?
Kenny: {A ghost.}
Stan: A ghost? Dude, that's not very original.
Kyle: Yeah, Kenny. Why are you going as a ghost, dude?
Kenny: {It's all we can afford.}
Cartman: Listen, you guys. Those are all good ideas, except for Kenny's, his sucks ass. But, my Napoleon costume beats the crap out of all of them!
Kyle: Oh, so you're going as the Little General?
Stan: Yeah, there's nothing little about you, Cartman.
Cartman: No, I'm going as Napoleon! God, Kyle! What's wrong with you?!
Kyle: Napoleon was the Little General, fatass! Mister Garrison gave a whole speech about him and Nancy Reagan, today!
Cartman: Well, I was too busy thinking about tonight to be paying attention to Mister Garrison, Kyle!
Stan: Dude, I don't know if we're going to be able to go out tonight. It looks like it's going to start raining any minute.
Kyle: Yeah, those clouds look kinda dark. It's going to suck if we can't go trick-or-treating.
Cartman: Well, it better not freaking rain! My mom worked too long on my costume and I wanna show it off!
Stan: I'll ask my mom if you guys can sleep over tonight. We can still go, if it stops early enough.
Kenny: {Cool.}
(Later, lightning flashes at the Genetic Engineering Ranch.)
Mephesto: My god, Kevin! Just look at it!
(Kevin hops up and down excitedly.)
Mephesto: After too many years, we've finally succeeded in creating something that will affect the destiny of Man, perhaps even change his evolutionary path! Quick, hand me that syringe!
(Kevin hands Mephesto a syringe filled with something green. Mephesto injects the liquid into his creation.)
Mephesto: It won't be long now, Kevin. Soon, we'll see if all our hard work was in vain.
(The creature stirs to life, moans and squeaks, then passes out.)
Mephesto: No, this can't be happening, Kevin! Apparently, the brain we used lacks the brainpower to properly control such a creature. We shall have to discard the monkey's head and find another one to replace it. But, where? Where do we even begin to look?
(Elsewhere, the guys are at Stan's house, watching Star Trek on TV. It's raining outside.)
Seven of Nine: Ensign, I require your assistance.
Harry: What's up?
Seven of Nine: My vaginal implant appears to be malfunctioning. I am in need of, at least, nineteen consecutive hours of extremely violent, passionate, orgasmic intercourse to correct the problem.
Harry (dropping his pants): I'm your man!
Cartman: Stan? Explain to me, again, why the hell we're watching this piece of crap.
Kyle: Yeah, dude. This thing sucks.
Stan: I know. It used to be a whole lot better, though.
Seven of Nine: That is incorrect, Ensign. Please remove your appendage and reposition it before ejaculation begins.
Harry (pausing): Too late.
(Kenny laughs.)
Kyle: Dude, change the channel, already.
(Stan changes the channel.)
Announcer: Welcome back to Jesus and Pals, on South Park Public Access!
Stan: Oh, good. Jesus and Pals is on.
Jesus: Ye, I am the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost. Follow my path and you will never be alone. Hello? Next caller? You're on Jesus and Pals.
Caller: Hi, Jesus.
Jesus: Hello, my son.
Caller: First, I'd just like to say that I'm a big fan of yours, and I really like your work.
Jesus: Thank you, it's nice to be appreciated. Do you have a question?
Caller: Uh, yes. Why the hell did you leave the Broncos, man? The team hasn't been the same without you.
Jesus: I was never in the Broncos, my son. You must have me confused with someone else.
(Stan picks up the phone and dials.)
Caller (pausing): This is Jesus, right?
Jesus: Yes, it is.
Caller (pausing): I think I probably dialed the wrong number.
Jesus: Very likely, my son. Thank you for calling. Next caller, you're on Jesus and Pals.
Stan: Hey, Jesus?
Jesus: Hi, my son. How are you this evening?
Stan: Fine. I was wondering if you could make it stop raining so we could go trick-or-treating.
Jesus: You'll have to ask my Father about that, my son. You see, I don't have anything to do with controlling the weather. That's more in his department.
Stan: Oh. But, didn't you just say you were the Father, Son and Holy Ghost?
Jesus: That is what I said, yes.
Stan: Then you should be able to make it stop raining, right?
Jesus (pausing): I'm sorry, my son. We seem to have a bad connection. Could you repeat that?
Stan: Yeah, I...
Jesus: Ooops! We just lost you. Thanks for calling, my son. Next caller, you're on Jesus and Pals.
Stan: Dammit!
(Later, the doorbell rings at the Broslovski house. Sheila opens the door and sees Kevin. Kevin holds up a plastic bag.)
Sheila: Little boy, what are you doing out, trick-or-treating, in weather like this? You're going to catch your death!
(Kevin stares at her. She grabs some candy from a bowl.)
Sheila: Here, take this and go home and get out of those wet clothes before...
(As she reaches out to drop the candy in the bag, Mephesto conks her over the head with a mallet, from the side. She passes out and falls to the ground.)
Mephesto: Good work, Kevin! Now, help me load her into the car.
(Time passes. Back in his lab, Mephesto is standing over his creature, now with Sheila's head attached to it.)
Mephesto: I think this is going to work, now, Kevin. Soon, all of Man's problems will be solved.
(He injects the green liquid into the monster. It wakes up and looks around.)
Mephestein: What the hell is going on here?! You, sir! I demand you tell me where I am!
Mephesto: My god, Kevin! We did it! It's alive! It's ALIVE!!!
(Kevin hops up and down.)
Mephestein: Listen, buddy! I don't know who you think you're dealing with, here, but you better start explaining yourself right this minute, mister, or I'm calling the cops!
Mephesto: You are home, my twelve-assed sweet. I am your creator. You have no choice but to obey my will. Now, stand! Stand and let the world bask in your eternal glory!
(Mephestein stands up and looks at its mutilated, bulgy body. Twelve ugly asses stick out of its backside.)
Mephestein: My god! What the hell have you done to me?!
Mephesto: Simply put, my dear, I've severed your head and surgically attached it to various assemblages of corpses, which I retrieved from the local graveyard. I, then, animated you with nuclear waste.
Mephestein (pausing): What?! What?! WHAT?!
Mephesto: How do you feel?
Mephestein: HOW DO I FEEL?!?!
Mephesto: Well, I thought it was a simple enough question.
(Mephestein screams, then knocks Mephesto out of the way and crashes through a wall and stomps out into the night.)
Mephesto: Oh, my god! She's loose! Kevin, what have I done?! We've got to stop her before she destroys the entire town!
Kevin (deep, distorted voice): Are you okay, dude?
Mephesto: What?
Kevin (Stan's voice): Are you okay, dude?
Stan: Dude, answer me!
(Kyle suddenly jerks to attention and screams.)
Kyle: Whoa! What the [bleep] happened?!
Stan: I don't know, dude. You just kind of zoned out there, for a minute.
Kyle: Really? Man, I had the weirdest nightmare!
Kenny: {What about?}
Kyle: I dreamt that crazy scientist at the Genetical Engineering Ranch cut off my mom's head and sewed it to a bunch of dead bodies.
Stan (pausing): Yeah, that makes sense.
(Stan listens to the rain. A few seconds pass.)
Stan: Come on, we better get ready. I think the rain's stopping.
Kyle: Hey, great! We're going to get to go trick-or-treating, after all!
Stan: Yeah.
(Later, the guys are walking down a street. They run into Wendy and Bebe.)
Wendy (in a Xena costume): Hi, Stan.
Stan: Hi, Wendy. Damn, you sure look hot in all that leather!
Wendy: Really, Stan?
Stan: Yeah! That costume rocks!
Bebe (in a Gabrielle costume): What do you think about my costume, Kyle?
Kyle: It's okay.
Bebe (pausing): Is that all?! Just okay?!
(Kyle waits a few seconds, then shrugs. Bebe frowns at him, then hits him with her staff.)
Kyle: Ow! Hey!
(Suddenly, a loud roar sounds and Mephestein comes out from behind a house.)
Stan: Holy crap!
Kyle: Dude! It's the thing from my dream...but it's got Cartman's head!!!
Mephestein: I shall crush...you scrawny-ass weaklings...like a bunch of hippies!
Stan: Whoa, dude! This is pretty [bleep]ed-up, right here!
Wendy: Stan, save us!
Kyle: Yeah, dude! Do something!
(Kenny hides behind Stan.)
Stan: Don't be afraid, guys! I'll slay that beast!
(He yanks Wendy's chakram off of her costume and throws it at the creature. The chakram whirs through the air and cuts off the monster's head, spraying blood everywhere. Mephestein falls over backwards and dies. The chakram ricochets off a tree and returns to Stan. He catches it as it passes.)
Kyle & Kenny: Hooray for Stan!
(Confetti starts falling.)
Kyle: You're the best, dude!
Kenny: {You are the coolest dude alive!}
(The Mayor comes up to him as a large crowd gathers around them.)
Mayor: Young man, you have saved our town, and maybe even the whole world, from that terrible monster! I hereby proclaim this day to be Stan Marsh Day, and award you with this solid gold Terrance and Phillip fart kit! Let's hear it for our new god, everybody!!!
(The crowd starts clapping and cheering.)
Wendy: My hero!
(Stan and Wendy kiss and, somewhere, a grunge band starts playing. Meanwhile, back in reality...)
Kyle (with concern): Uh...Stan?
Cartman: I think he's dead, you guys.
Kyle: Stan.
Kenny: {Dead, or hung harder than Bill Clinton in heat.)
Kyle: Stan, come on back to us, dude.
(There's a big grin on Stan's face. He opens his eyes. He doesn't like what he sees.)
Stan: God dammit! Don't tell me that was just a [bleep]ing dream!
Kyle: Yeah, dude. You were really out there, for awhile.
Stan: So, I guess I don't really have a solid gold Terrance and Phillip fart kit, then.
Kyle: No, just the regular plastic kind, dude.
Cartman (looking out the window): Hey, you guys. It's really starting to come down outside.
Stan: What? I thought it stopped raining.
Cartman: Yeah, you wish.
Stan: Why the hell does Halloween have to be so boring, when it rains? There's nothing to do.
Kyle: Well, we can always just go to bed and forget about going out tonight. I don't think it's going to stop raining, anyway.
Stan: No, dude. It's still early. Maybe, there's something on TV, now.
(Stan turns the TV on, again. Several tall, bouncing girls, wearing practically nothing and playing volleyball on a beach, appear on the screen.)
Kenny: {Oh, cool! Baywatch!}
Mitch: Hi, girls! I really love the way the Sun reflects off your tan, sweaty bodies. Mind if I do...er...join you?
Chrissy (giggling annoyingly): Sure, guy! The more, the merrier!
(Mitch joins the game.)
Mitch: You know, I really admire the firmness of your butt. Maybe, we can go back to my place, later on, and compare butts to see whose is the hardest.
Chrissy: Yeah, I'd like that!
(Chrissy giggles some more. The show suddenly breaks into a music video that doesn't make any sense.)
Kyle: Oh, God! This thing's worse than that Star Trek show!
Stan: Damn! I wish Terrance and Phillip was on.
(The music video ends abruptly and a black TransAm pulls up beside Mitch.)
KITT: Michael, Devon's calling.
Mitch: KITT, you're going to blow my cover! Tell him to call back, later.
KITT: Yes, Michael.
(The TransAm backs away.)
Chrissy: Wow, a talking car! Cool!
Stan: Oh, brother!
Kyle: Dude, do you think Cartman's okay? He's been standing by that window awhile, now.
Stan: I don't know, dude. Go check on him, if you want.
(The doorbell rings. Sharon walks over and opens the door and sees a giant Cheesy Poof standing there.)
Sharon: Eric? It's for you.
Cheesy Poof: Hello there, my strapping lad! Would you like to eat me?
Cartman: Yes, please.
(He walks over and takes a big bite out of the Cheesy Poof. The Cheesy Poof suddenly turns into Mephestein, with Mrs. Cartman's head.)
Mephestein: Not too much, hon'. Leave room for dessert. We're having pudding!
Cartman: Okay, ma.
Kyle (hitting Cartman): Cartman, snap out of it, fatass!
(Cartman stops daydreaming and finds himself still looking out the window.)
Cartman (startled): God damn, that was [bleep]ing weird! I was dreaming there was this really big Cheesy Poof, you guys, and...
Stan: We really don't care, Cartman.
Kyle: Yeah, now come over and sit down with the rest of us and let's get this stupid night over with!
(They walk over and sit down on the couch and start watching the bouncing babes of Baywatch, again. Stan notices something about Kenny's pants.)
Stan: Dude, what's that sticking out of your pants?
Kenny (looking down): {Huh?}
(Kenny pulls his pants forward.)
Kenny (excited): {Whoa! Hey, I got a ten-inch penis!}
Stan: Dude!!!
Kenny: {Hey, you guys! You gotta see this!}
(They all crowd around him and look at his penis.)
Cartman: Now, that is what I call one happy fireman! Go, Kenny!
Stan: Yeah, just look at that monster! Congratulations, dude!
Kyle: Wow! Even my dad's doesn't get that big!
(Shrinkage occurs. They watch for a few more seconds, then return to their seats.)
Cartman: That was totally rippin', guys.
Kyle: Yeah, too bad it had to turn into a mushroom sprout.
Kenny: {You guys, it's still big! Look!}
Stan: No, I think it's had its day in the Sun, dude.
Cartman: Yeah, don't milk it, Kenny.
(Silence.)
Stan: Sick, dude!
Cartman: What?!
Kyle: Well, I don't know about you guys, but I'm going to bed. This night's a total bust.
Stan: Yeah, I guess it probably is getting close to bedtime. Come on, guys, let's call it a night.
(They walk off to bed. Meanwhile, at the Broslovski house, Mephestein-Sheila is in bed with Gerald. It's dark.)
Gerald: You seem awfully lumpy tonight, dear.
Mephestein: It's nothing. I think I'm just having my period, that's all.
Gerald: Oh. Well, is there anything you want to talk about? I mean, you're as tense as a violin.
Mephestein: Not really, Gerald. I'm just worried about our little Kyle being over at Sharon's on such a stormy night. I think I'm gonna go get him and bring him back home, where it's safe.
Gerald: Okay, but I think you're overreacting. What can happen to him inside the house?
Mephestein (getting up): All the same. I've just got this strange feeling and I don't think it'll go away until I know he's safe.
Gerald: All right, Sheila. Have fun in the rain.
(Later, back at the Marsh house, the guys are asleep in Stan's room. Stan is in his bed, Kyle and Cartman are in sleeping bags on the floor and Kenny is on the floor with a pillow and a blanket over him. Kenny suddenly opens his eyes, sits up and looks around. The others are gone and he's now the only one in the room. He gets up, goes over to the door, opens it and walks out onto a sunny California beach. There are some girls playing volleyball, in slow-motion, nearby, and he goes over to them.)
Chrissy: Hey, stud! You wanna do us?
Kenny: {Okay!}
(A lone figure suddenly emerges, on horseback.)
Kelly (with her finger up her nose, in a Xena outfit): I don't think so, Benny!
Kenny: {Fuck! Go away, Kelly!}
(Chrissy starts snarling and foaming at the mouth. Her eyes turn fluorescent-red. She grabs her breasts, pulls them back and rips open her chest.)
Kenny: {Whoa!}
(Blood and organs spill out as the rip tears through her entire body. Mephestein comes out from inside her and lets the skin drop to the ground. It has a black head. Kelly jumps down off the horse, draws her sword and charges.)
Kelly: Lehlehlehlehlehlehleh!!!
(Mephestein knocks Kenny out of the way and slices through Kelly with huge claws. She drops to the ground in three sections.)
Kenny: {Oh, my god! They killed Kelly!}
KITT: You bastards!
(Kenny suddenly wakes up and screams.)
Kyle: Dude!
Kenny (pausing): {Phew! What a nightmare. There was this monster, you guys, and it killed Kelly and that talking car from Knight Rider was in it and...}
Stan: Dude, slow down!
(Suddenly, there's a tapping sound at the bedroom window. They look and see Sheila's face on the other side. Stan goes over and opens it.)
Mephestein (standing on a ladder): Hiya, Stan. I'm here to pick up Kyle.
Stan: Oh. Well, why didn't you use the front door?
Mephestein: Well, I didn't want to wake your folks up by ringing the doorbell, and all. Hey, booby. Ready to go?
Kyle: Uh, sure, I guess.
(Lightning flashes, illuminating Mephestein's twisted body. The guys scream.)
Stan: Holy crap, dude! That's not your mom! It's that thing that was in my dream, but it's got your mom's head on it, instead of Cartman's!
Kyle: Wait a minute! It was in your dream? It was in my dream, too!
Kenny: Mine, too!
Mephestein: Now, what the hell are you boys talking about? Come on, booby. It's time to go.
Kyle: I'm not going anywhere with you, you stay away from me! What have you done with my mom?!
Mephestein: Kyle, as much as I love standing out here, in the rain, I've just about had it with you, young man! Now, let's go!
(Mephestein reaches into the room to grab Kyle by the arm, but its claws accidentally run Kenny through, leaving a bloody mess.)
Stan: Oh, my god! They've killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastards!
Mephestein: Oh, dear.
Mephesto (climbing up the ladder, beneath Mephestein): Ah! Here you are, my dear!
Mephestein: Oh, God! Not you, again!
(Mephesto sticks a needle into the creature and injects it with a sedative. Mephestein passes out, falls off the ladder and lands hard on the ground.)
Mephesto: I seem to have made a terrible mistake, boys. I've recently discovered that my creation, here, is dangerously telepathic. If I permit it to continue to exist, it will scramble and confuse the thoughts of everyone in town, until they all become lost in their own nightmarish fantasies. I must return the creature to my lab and destroy it, immediately. I will, of course, reattach the head to its proper owner, first.
Kyle: Yeah? Well, you better, dude. It belongs to my mom!
Mephesto: Oh, I see.
Stan: Dude, is that why we all kept daydreaming about that thing, because it's telepathetic?
Mephesto: Telepathic, yes. It doesn't do it, intentionally, though. It's just the way it is. Come on, Kevin. We've got work to do.
(Mephesto climbs down and they drag the creature off. Stan closes the window.)
Stan: Well, I'm sure glad that's over.
Kyle: Yeah. Maybe, now, we'll stop having those stupid daydreams.
Stan: Yeah, I can't believe Cartman's still asleep, after all that.
Kyle: He's brain-dead, dude. He can sleep through anything.
Stan: Yeah. Well, goodnight.
Kyle: G'night, dude.
(They lay back down and go back to sleep.)

THE END