SOUTH PARK
Rival Without a Clue
by Steve Sutton

Rated PC-MA

(The guys are waiting at the bus stop. Cartman joins them, wearing earrings.)
Cartman: Hey, guys.
(They laugh at him.)
Kyle: Cartman, why the hell do you have those stupid earrings in your ears?
Stan: Yeah, Cartman. You look like a girl.
Cartman: Well, that shows how much you guys know. Earrings make you look cool. Only the coolest guys wear them.
Kyle: That's one earring, dumbass, not two!
Kenny: {Yeah, you look fucking gay.}
Cartman: I do not look GAY, Kenny! I look cool! You guys are just too immature to appreciate it!
(Petey Hertz rolls towards them on a skateboard.)
Petey: Hi, guys.
Stan: I'll kick your ass, Petey Hertz!
Petey (passing them and rolling away): Bye, guys.
(Stan waits for him to pass by.)
Stan: No, you really do look like a tulip, fatboy. You better take them off before the bus gets here.
Cartman (trying to remove the earrings): All right, fine! If you guys are gonna bug me about it all day...
(He fusses with them, but can't get them off.)
Kyle: Well?
Cartman: Give me a second!
Stan (pausing): Just pull them off, Cartman!
Cartman: That's what I'm trying to do...Stan!
(Kenny grabs one and starts yanking on it.)
Cartman: OW!!! OW!!! OW!!! Dammit, Kenny! Stop it!
Stan (to Kyle): Damn, I don't think they're coming off, dude.
Kyle: You didn't do something stupid like actually stick them through your ears, did you, fatass?
Cartman: No, Kyle, I didn't stick them through my [bleep]ing ears! They're not that kind. They just clip on.
Stan: Well, why the hell won't they come off, then?
Cartman: It's probably that freaking superglue! I told my mom not to use too much of that stuff when she was putting them on!
(The bus pulls up and the doors open.)
Kyle: Superglue?
Crabtree: Come on! We're...
(She stares at Cartman for a few seconds.)
Crabtree: Oh, look at the little sissy boy. My, my, doesn't he look precious in his little girly earrings.
Cartman: Ay!
Crabtree: Just get on the bus, kid, before I leave your faggoty ass behind.
(Kenny laughs as they board the bus.)
Cartman (under his breath): Stupid bitch.
Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
Stan: He called you a bitch, Miss Crabtree.
Cartman (proudly): Yes, I did.
(He starts singing and dancing.)
Cartman (singing): WELL... I said you're a bitch! You're a stupid bitch! You're a really ugly, stupid bitch...
(Crabtree slaps him down to the floor.)
Kyle: Whoa!
Cartman (feeling his face): AHH!!! GOD DAMMIT, WOMAN!!!
Crabtree: Now, SIT DOWN AND SHUT THE HELL UP!!!
(He gets up off the floor and they take their seats. The bus drives away.)
Crabtree: I'm sorry I had to do that, kid. It's just that I'm having my period and nothing's gone right for me all day.
Cartman: Well, God damn! You still didn't have to [bleep]ing hit me like that!
Crabtree: I know. I'm sorry.
Kyle: What's wrong, Miss Crabtree?
Crabtree: NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS, KID!!! NOW, SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!!!
Kyle: I am sitting down.
Crabtree: I SAID SHUT UP, KID!!!
Kyle: Whatever.
Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
Kyle: I said whatever!
Crabtree (pausing): Okay, then!
Stan (quietly, to Kyle): Damn, Miss Crabtree with PMS really is a bitch.
(Later, Garrison is doing roll call.)
Garrison: Kyle?
Kyle: Present.
Garrison: Butters?
Butters: Here.
Garrison: Clyde?
Clyde: I'm here.
Garrison: Erica?
(No answer.)
Garrison (looking up from the roll book): Erica?
(Still no answer.)
Garrison: That's you, Eric.
Cartman (scowling): Yeah, like I didn't know that.
Garrison: Eric, why the hell are you wearing earrings?
Clyde (smiling): Because he's a big, fat sissy.
(The class laughs.)
Cartman: Ay! The next person who calls me a sissy is gonna get a serious nut-kicking!
Garrison: Well, why don't you take those stupid things off, for now, Eric? You look like a queer.
Kyle: He can't, Mister Garrison. His mom superglued them to his ears.
(Petey pulls the back of Wendy's hair.)
Wendy: Ow!
Garrison: Why the hell did she do that?
Cartman: Because they wouldn't stay on! They kept falling off!
Garrison: Well, why didn't she just use tape, like normal people do?
Stan: She's not normal, dude.
Garrison: That's right, she has a penis. Good point, Stanley.
(Petey pulls Wendy's hair, again.)
Wendy: Ow! Stop it, Petey!
Garrison: Is there a problem, Wendy?
Wendy: Mister Garrison, Petey keeps pulling my hair!
Garrison: Yeah, well, knock it off, Petey, or I'll sick Stan on you.
Petey (pausing, looking down): Fine.
Garrison: Anyway, Eric, go see the nurse and see what she can do. I don't want everybody thinking I've got a homo in my class.
(Cartman gets up and leaves. Later, in the cafeteria, Wendy walks up to the lunch counter.)
Wendy: Hi, Chef.
Chef: Hello there, Wendy. You sure look awfully pretty, today.
Wendy (smiling): Ah, you always say that, Chef.
Chef: And it's always true. What can I get you?
Wendy: I dunno. What's good?
Chef: Oh, everything I make is good, children. Today, you have two choices: tuna casserole or fried chicken, mashed potatoes and biscuits.
Wendy (thinking): Hmm...There's probably dolphin meat in the tuna casserole, so I guess I'll have the chicken.
Chef (insulted): Dolphin meat, huh?
Wendy (smiling): Sorry.
(Petey comes up to her.)
Petey (smiling hornily): Hey, Wendy.
Wendy: What do you want, Petey?!
Petey: Nothing.
Wendy: Then go away and stop bothering me!
(Petey grabs her hair and yanks it.)
Wendy: OW! God, Petey! What the hell is wrong with you?!
Petey: I like you a lot, Wendy.
Wendy: Well, the feeling ISN'T mutual, you [bleep]ing asshole!
(He yanks her hair again.)
Wendy: OW!
Chef: Petey, leave the girl alone! Now, if I told you once, I told you a thousand times!
Petey: Ah, shut up, you stupid [bleep]!
Chef (pausing, nuking): Boy, you do not use THAT word with ME! Now, get yourself over here so I can tan your little, white ass!
Petey: Make me.
Chef: Oh, I'll make you, all right!
(Chef comes out from behind the counter and starts chasing Petey around the cafeteria. Petey starts screaming. The guys are sitting at a table, eating. They watch them.)
Cartman (with Band-Aids on his ears): Wow, I never knew Chef could run like that!
Stan: Yeah, the [bleep]ing dick must've really pissed him off, or something.
Kyle: Hey, yeah! You think Chef will kill him?
Stan: I hope so. I've had it with him.
Wendy: Hi, Stan.
Stan: Oh, hi, Wendy.
Wendy: Stan? Petey won't leave me alone. Would you kick his ass for me, after school?
Stan: Sure, Wendy.
Wendy: Thanks, Stan.
(She goes off to find a table.)
Cartman: Stan, isn't this the third time this week she's asked you to kick his ass?
Stan: Yeah. It never does any good, though.
Kyle: Maybe, you should try something different.
Cartman: I've got a crowbar you can use.
Kyle: No, I mean, like, talking to him. Maybe, if you tried reasoning with him...
Stan: Dude, I'm not TALKING to him!
Cartman: Yeah, that's stupid.
Stan: It's not stupid, fatass! I'm just not doing it!
Cartman (pausing): It's not?
Stan (thinking): Well, okay, it is stupid.
Kyle: Dude!
Stan (shrugging): What? It really is.
(Petey runs out of the cafeteria door. Chef gives up and returns to the lunch counter, really pissed. Elsewhere, at a ranger station in Pike National Forest, Dick is sitting at his desk, eating pasta salad and watching a soap opera on a little black-and-white TV sitting on the desk. Ranger Bobby Penn comes up to him with a green envelope.)
Bobby: This just came for you, Dick. It looks important.
Dick: Just put it on my desk.
Bobby: Don't you want to open it?
Dick: Butch is fixing to tell Ellie that he's her long-lost, transsexual mother. I'll open it later.
(Bobby puts the envelope on his desk, stares at him for a few seconds and leaves. Dick turns the volume up on the TV.)
Ellie (in bed): Oh, Butch! I love you so much!
Butch (in bed): I love you, too, Ellie, but there's something I have to tell you.
Ellie: Me, too!
Butch: Well, you go first, my darling.
Ellie: Okay. Guess what? We finally did it right!
Butch (pausing): So, you mean...
Ellie: Yes, Butch! I'm pregnant!!!
Butch: Oh, what glorious news!
Ellie: So, what did you want to tell me, daddy?
Butch (pausing): I want a divorce.
(Dick grabs a Kleenex tissue, wipes his eyes, then blows his nose. Later, after school, Petey is standing in the school playground, bouncing a basketball. Stan comes up to him.)
Stan: Okay, Petey Hertz! You know the drill!
(Petey stops and looks at him, then tosses the basketball away.)
Petey: Can I try something?
Stan (pausing): What?
(Petey gets behind him, reaches under Stan's arms and grabs the back of his neck.)
Stan (surprised): Hey, what...
Petey (giggling): You moron, I've gotcha now!
(Stan tries to break free, but can't.)
Stan: Wait, something's not right, here.
(He keeps struggling, but it doesn't do any good. The guys watch in disbelief.)
Kyle: Dude, this is [bleep]ing embarrassing.
(Stan keeps struggling.)
Cartman: God, Stan! Don't let that little pisser get away with that!
Stan (struggling): I'm not...I'm not LETTING him do anything, Cartman!
(Petey giggles. Stan manages to maneuver him close to a wall, then pushes him backward, against it, a few times. Petey's grip is broken and he lets go, but he tries to grab Stan, again.)
Stan (spinning around): Oh, no, you don't!
(Petey runs over to Wendy, reaches under her arms and grabs the back of her neck.)
Wendy: Ow! Hey!
Petey (proudly): I've got your girl, Stanley!
Stan: Let her go, buttwipe! Only cowards hide behind poor, defenseless...
(Wendy grabs his head and flips him over her shoulder. He lands hard on his back and starts crying a little.)
Stan: Oh.
Wendy (kicking Petey): For the last time, LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU [bleep]ING ASSHOLE!!!
(She storms off. Stan goes over to him and beats some more crap out of him, then leaves. Petey wets himself.)
Kyle: You know, I really feel sorry for that kid, Kenny. I mean, he's been here, like, three months and he still acts like a dick. It's no wonder no one likes him.
Kenny: {Yeah, he must be fucking stupid, or something.}
Kyle: Yeah, I know. That whole thing has gotten really old. I bet all he needs is someone to reach out to him, someone to make him realize what a [bleep]ing asshole he's being.
(There's a long pause.)
Kenny: {Well, why don't we do it?}
Kyle: What? You mean you and me?
Kenny: {Yeah, why not?}
Kyle (pausing, shrugging): Sure, okay. We'll go over to his house, later.
Kenny: {Why don't we do it now, dude?}
Kyle: No, I'm hungry. I wanna get something to eat first.
Kenny: {Yeah, me, too.}
(They walk off. Later, at Petey's house, Kyle, Kenny and Petey are walking down the hall, toward his room.)
Petey: You guys want an orange? We've got lots of oranges.
Kyle: No, thanks.
Kenny: {Can I take some home with me?}
Petey: Yeah, take as many as you want. They're in the pantry, in the kitchen.
Kenny: {Cool!}
(Kenny heads off to the kitchen.)
Petey: Don't you like oranges, Kyle?
Kyle: Yeah, I guess. I'm just not very hungry, right now.
Petey: You can always save them for later.
Kyle: Yeah, I know.
Petey: Oranges are neat.
Kyle: Dude, can we stop talking about oranges for a minute? I'll get one on my way out, I promise.
Petey: Okay.
(They go into his room and jump up and sit on his bed.)
Petey: So, you know Wendy Testaburger, right?
Kyle: Yeah, I know her. Why?
Petey: She's pretty hot, isn't she?
Kyle (pausing): What do you mean?
Petey: Oh, come on, Kyle. You can't tell me she doesn't make your lizard happy.
Kyle (pausing): What...lizard? What the hell are you talking about, dude?
Petey: You know, your lizard, your worm...
(He touches Kyle's naughty area.)
Petey: This thing here.
(Several seconds pass.)
Kyle (glowering): You wanna move your [bleep]ing hand before I kick your [bleep]ing ass, Petey?
(Petey stares at him for a few more seconds, then takes his hand away.)
Petey (looking down): Fine.
Kyle: Anyway, dude, you're only eight. You shouldn't even be thinking about that stuff.
Petey: Why not?
Kyle: Well, it's just wrong, that's all.
Petey: Wrong? Why is it wrong?
Kyle: I don't know. Guys our age just don't think about it.
Petey: Oh. Well, anyway, Wendy's pretty hot. You think she'd go out with me, if I asked her?
Kyle: Dude, she's Stan's girlfriend. I'd just stay away from her, if I were you.
Petey: Well, you're not me! Answer the question, Jew boy!
Kyle (pausing): Fine! You want me to answer it? Well, here's my answer, Petey!
(He jumps down off the bed.)
Kyle: No, she won't go out with you! And do you want to know why she won't go out with you? It's because she doesn't like you, Petey! She never did and she never will! You'd realize that if you weren't such a [bleep]ing retard!
(Petey glares at him for a second, then jumps off the bed, grabs him by the coat and pulls him forward.)
Petey: Don't push it, Kyle! You don't know anything!
Kyle (knocking his arms away): Dude, get your [bleep]ing hands off me! You couldn't hurt my little brother, Ike! You just like to play tough because you think it makes you cool, but it doesn't! All it does is make people not like you! Maybe, if you didn't act that way, you might actually have some friends!
(He turns and leaves. Petey just stands there, scowling. He starts wetting his pants and a puddle of urine forms around him. He looks down at it.)
Petey: Mommy, I did it again!
(Elsewhere, at the ranger station, Dick is getting ready to go home for the day. He notices the green envelope on his desk.)
Dick: Oh.
(He opens it and reads the letter inside. After several seconds, he looks up from it.)
Dick: Alaska?
(Later, back at Petey's house, Kenny is dragging a big bag of oranges pass Petey's room. He stops and looks in. Petey is sitting on his bed.)
Kenny: {Where's Kyle?}
Petey: He left.
Kenny: {Oh.}
Petey: Kenny, do you like me?
Kenny (pausing): {Uh-huh.}
Petey: No one else does.
Kenny: {Aw, don't say that.}
Petey: Why not? It's true. I've really screwed things up here.
(Kenny leaves the bag of oranges behind, goes over to Petey and sits down next to him.)
Petey: I should've just acted like myself when we moved here, instead of trying to show off with that stupid macho stuff.
(Kenny puts his hand on Petey's shoulder.)
Petey: I can't tell you how lonely it's been, not having friends and all.
Kenny: {Dude, it's not too late. Just stop acting like a dork. You'll make friends.}
Petey: You really think so?
Kenny: {Uh-huh.}
Mrs. Hertz's Voice: Petey, your Aunt Urethra's on the phone! Come talk to her!
Petey (standing up): Well, I gotta go. Thanks, Kenny. I think I'll try that.
(He leaves. Kenny gets up, grabs the bag of oranges and starts pulling it out, again. A few days later, Wendy and the guys are walking pass Petey's house. They see a moving van in the driveway.)
Kyle: Hey, I wonder what's going on.
Stan: I don't know. Let's go see.
(They go up to Dick, who's loading a chair into the back of the van.)
Kyle: Hey, you guys going somewhere?
Dick (slightly pissed): Oh, hi. Yes, I'm afraid we have to move. I've been transferred...again!
Stan: Oh. Well, where to?
Kenny: {Yeah, where?}
Dick: Kobuk Valley National Park. It's in [bleep]ing Alaska, of all places!
Kyle (pausing): Alaska?
Dick: My sentiments, exactly. Sorry, but I really don't have time to talk to you boys. We've got to get on the road. I have to be there in two [bleep]ing days...Pardon my French.
Cartman: Hey, no problem. We say [bleep] all the time, here.
Dick: So, I've noticed.
(He looks toward the house.)
Dick (shouting): Vagina, you got everything?!
(Mrs. Hertz comes out of the house, with Petey, carrying a few bags. She closes the door behind her.)
Mrs. Hertz (haggled): Yes.
Dick: You did call Urethra, right? She does know we're coming?
Mrs. Hertz: For the tenth time, Richard, yes, I called her!
Petey: Mommy, I don't wanna go! Please don't make me go! I wanna stay!
Mrs. Hertz: Petey, baby, we've been through this, okay? Daddy has to go, so we have to go, too, sweetheart.
Cartman: God, I think I'm gonna puke.
Stan: Why? Your mom's worse than that, Cartman.
Cartman (pausing): What do you mean?
(Petey comes over to them.)
Petey (sniffing): Well, guys, I guess this is goodbye.
Stan (glaring): Yeah, see ya!
Wendy: Bye, Petey. Sorry things weren't that great for you, here.
Kyle: Yeah, dude. At least, you'll have a fresh start in Alaska. Just don't screw things up, like you did here.
Petey: Thanks.
(He goes over to Kenny and gives him a big bearhug.)
Petey: Bye, Kenny. I'll miss you, you're a real friend.
Dick: Come on, Petey! Let's go!
(Petey turns and starts walking away.)
Kenny: {Bye, Petey.}
(He stops when he gets to Wendy. He, then, grabs her and dips her, giving her a big, wet, mouth kiss...with tongue. Stan starts getting really pissed.)
Stan (pissed): HEY!!!
(Petey brings her back up and starts walking away, again. Wendy is left motionless, with an open-mouthed, flabbergasted look on her face.)
Petey: Bye, guys.
Kyle: Bye, Petey!
(Petey gets in the van. A few seconds later, the gears grind, and the van pulls away. They watch as it goes down the street and vanishes from sight. Kyle looks at Kenny.)
Kyle: Dude, what was all that hugging about?
Kenny (pausing, looking down): {Nothing.}
(Kyle stares at him for a few seconds. Kenny looks back up at him.)
Kenny (pausing): {Nothing!!!}
(A few seconds go by. Kenny gets pissed, starts grumbling under his breath and starts walking away. Suddenly, a boa constrictor drops out of a tree, wraps itself around him and crushes him to death. It, then, proceeds to eat him.)
Stan: Oh, my god! They've killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastards!
(They watch the snake for several seconds, then lose interest and turn away.)
Stan: Come on, guys. I'm bored, let's go do something.
(They start walking off, then stop. Stan looks back at Wendy, who hasn't moved and still has that look on her face.)
Stan: Wendy?
Wendy (dazed, quietly): Please don't go, my luscious stallion.
Stan (pausing): Well, why not?
Wendy: Please, Petey, please don't go.
(Silence fills the air.)
Stan: Petey?!?!
(He goes back over to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shakes her.)
Stan: Wendy! Snap out of it!
Wendy: Wha--? Oh, hi, Stan.
Stan: Yeah, "hi, Stan", my ass! Let's go, Wendy!
(They all start walking off, again. Their voices get less audible the farther away they get.)
Wendy: Go where? Did Petey leave already, Stan?
Stan: Yeah, Wendy! Your luscious stallion left!
Wendy: Luscious stallion? What on Earth are you talking about, Stan?

THE END

(Dedicated to the memory of Mary Kay Bergman)