Information For Family And Friends

Thank you for taking the time to read up on how to help a loved one suffering from depression. I'm not going to lie to you here - at times it can be very difficult caring for someone with depression - it has the strength to break up friendships, families and other relationships. I've not only suffered from it (and still suffering from it), but I've also helped people I love with it as well, so I'm as qualified as anyone to discuss this subject - I have experience of both sides of depression. It takes a lot of love, dedication and effort to see people through depression, but it can be done if you're determined enough - I have proof of that - and it will make a once strong relationship even stronger.

Yes, it is difficult to help a loved one with depression, but PLEASE do all that you can to be there for them and don't give up on them. If people give up on them, it makes things a thousand times worse - sufferers of depression need as much support as they can get. The loss of a frienship or other relationship is sad at any time, but to lose a friend's support - or other person they rely on - when they're suffering from depression, is devastating.

One of the best things you can do to help your loved one is to gain a knowledge of depression and how it affects people - this way you will understand what's going on and why it's going on. If you've already read the other sections in the Depression Directory, you will already have equipped yourself with a fair amount of knowledge, but here is where I will be sharing some of my personal opinions about how to help your loved one with depression.

The right attitude to take:

Firstly, I have to say that I've had the misfortune of encountering some dispicable people in my time - people who think that depression is something to be laughed at and mocked. This is the worst thing that you can ever encounter when suffering depression. If you know anyone who has this attitude, do everything possible to keep your loved one away from these truly ignorant and pathetic halfwits. (I could have used another word to describe these 'people', but I refuse to resort to swearing on my website!)

Remember that people suffering from depression are often highly sensitive. Never say things such as 'pull yourself together' or 'cheer up'. This is guaranteed to make a sufferer feel worse. I've had this from people myself and it did nothing but depress me even more. Sufferers know that when people who haven't experienced depression say this they don't have any understanding of how painful it is.

If you have no experience of what it's like to have suffered depression, please avoid telling them that you understand, because as anyone who has suffered from depression will tell, you can't fully understand what it's like until you've been there and been through it. Instead, tell them that you're there for them, whenever they need you... and make sure you mean it when you say it - empty promises are meaningless, and aggravate a person's suffering further. Also, I've found 'overly happy' people to be difficult to deal with when in the depths of my depression - it's just too much to cope with at times.

Take time to talk to your loved one about their depression, if that's what they need. Some will want to talk, others won't. Never underestimate how powerful talking can be in helping depression - counselling plays a huge role in recovery. 'A problem shared is a problem halved'... well it's not quite that simple in depression, but it can and does help. You can help your loved one by making time to talk to them - always take it slowly and make sure you'll have no interuptions from outside. Make sure that you're paying full attention to them and always keep an eye on how much you think they can cope with in one sitting - don't force it out of them - it's very difficult discussing some problems. If they are not ready to talk, don't take it personally - they may want to talk later.

There may be times when a bit of mild 'tough love' may be required if they're in a particularly bad phase of feeling sorry for themself, but use this with extreme caution, and never in the first phases of their illness, as you won't have been dealing with this long enough to know how a sufferer is going to react. If you have the tiniest suspicion that it may aggravate their condition, avoid it at all costs.

Practical things to do:

Try to rekindle an interest in things that they used to enjoy, but be aware that you may have to attempt this many times. Don't push your loved one into this, as it may cause anger - you'll have to carefully judge when to try this.

Make every effort you can to get them interested into getting out into the fresh air. Strong daylight has been shown to have an anti-depressant quality. Be aware though that in major depression (uni-polar) and during a depressive phase of bi-polar, a sufferer will not feel like going out at all, but you may be able to get them interested in going into the garden, where they won't have to bump into anyone.

A very useful thing to do is to keep notes, either in your mind, or in a notebook. Note anything that seems to improve their mood, and use it as often as you can. Another thing to note, more important than the things that improve their mood is to watch out for anything that worsens it, and avoid those trigger situations. As time goes on, you'll begin to notice early warning signs and develop an intuition as to how to handle the situation. Needless to say, don't let your loved one know about your notes if you don't think they would like it - they should be just for you to keep a track of progress - you don't want them feeling like a 'lab rat'.

Make sure that you're looking after yourself well - it takes a lot of energy to help someone suffering from depression - if you're not looking after yourself, you won't be able to give them as much support as you would like. If helping a loved one is taking it's toll on you, you may be interested in the 'Help Yourself' section of this directory and the Stress Directory - here I've listed many ways of coping with stress and depression, and hopefully you will find them very useful (after all, helping a loved one through depression can be very stressful).

When things are tough:

If your loved one is having a bad day and taking it out on you, please don't take this personally. There will be times when they are pushing you away, but this isn't what they want deep down. Sufferers are very aware of what effect there illness has on others, and as a way of protecting those they love from having to deal with it, they push them away. It's not uncommon for sufferers to go into passive aggressive mode, to push others away. It isn't aimed at you personally - it's just a way of the anger seeping out. It's often been said that depression is anger turned inward - sometimes it comes out when least expected, and you have to be prepared for that.

Avoid getting openly angry with your loved one - if this happenes they will feel even more guilt than is already associated with their condition, because they'll be painfully aware of how their depression is affecting and upsetting you.

Be prepared for excessive crying - it's part and parcel of depression. A simple hug can make all the difference to how someone is feeling.

I know you won't want to think about this, but it has to be mentioned. Here's some professional advice I found whilst searching the net for advice on how to approach your loved one about the subject. From a highly respected NY psychiatrist, Dr. Goldberg:
" People are often afraid to ask someone who is depressed about thoughts or plans to kill himself or herself. This hesitation is often based on the unfounded fear that by asking such questions, one might induce suicidal thoughts or behaviors. Most depressed people have at least thought of the possibility of death as an answer to their painful situation, and are relieved when someone asks about the possibility of suicide. The asking of such questions is seen by the depressed person as indicating that the person asking them is concerned and that they have some appreciation of the pain involved in being depressed."

Any mention of suicide (that you haven't brought up) - even if disguised as humour - is cause for concern. If they're even mentioning it it means that it's crossed their mind. Talk to them about it, and if you have any reason to suspect that there is danger of them carrying through, get advice immediately.

Helping a loved one through depression isn't all doom and gloom - there will be good days, but you also have to be prepared for the bad ones. If ever you're tempted to bail out when everything seems to much to cope with, please don't. Once you see them recover, you'll be so glad that you didn't, and you'll see that all your support has made such a huge difference to the special person in your life... you may even have helped save their life... and you're relationship will be even stronger than it was before.