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One Foot In The Grave
Welcome to the new section of Steven Tattum
Online dedicated to 'One Foot In The Grave'. There's exclusive
snap-shots as well from all series plus a funny screenshot of Patrick's
computer which reveals what Victor's neighbour really thinks of him! So
enjoy the page and the exclusive WAV downloads and pictures we have for
you.
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What
Patrick thinks of Victor.... |
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We Have Put Her
Living in the Tomb - series 2 - episode 2 - Victor:
keep away from me with that pastry. None of that pastry!
The Broken
Reflection - series 3 - episode 3 - Patrick:
What in the name of bloody hell
Pit and the
Pendulum - series 4 - episode 1 - Patrick:
Just up to the hospital you know? To have a hermit crab surgically
removed from my testicle.
Margaret: I beg your pardon
Patrick: Well I say hermit crab, it wasn't demonstrating much in the way
from hermitude when popped into my shorts earlier on for lunch and
fastened itself to my scrotum like a bulldog clip.
Hearts Of Darkness - series 4 - episode 3 - Victor:
What
language you're talking in now? It appears to be bollocks.
Warm
Champagne - series 4 - episode 4 - Victor:
You know who this is don't you? That new mob has moved into no. 10.
Little buggers! I'll wring their necks with a... There they are now!
(shouts at children on their bikes). Oy you! What's this! My bloody
front garden doubling up for Trent Bridge now is it? If you ask nicely
I'll stick a side screen in the dining room for you!
Boy 1: Oh why don't you sod off down the sewer.
Victor: Don't you tell me to sod off down the sewer you cocky little
tyke!
Margaret: Five seconds we've been back
Boy 2: He'll tell his Dad about you!
Victor: Yeah, what's he gonna do about it?
Boy 1: You'll soon find out, he 'ates your guts.
Victor: Yah, you can tell him from me that the feeling is mutual
Boy 1 & 2: Ah you miserable old git! (singing) Victor Meldrew!
Victor Meldrew!
Victor: 4291
The
Trial - series 4 - episode 5 -
Victor: Yes, I'd like to speak to the
manager please and be quick about it. Meldrew. No he doesn't but he will
shortly. Hello, is that Mr P.T Sturgeon? Yes, well, it's about a large Yucca
plant your garden centre delivered to my house this morning. Yes a young
child, didn't catch his name and merely Frank Spencer. Well I'll tell
you exactly what the problem is Mr Sturgeon. I was out the back working
in the garden when he arrived so I asked him that in the time-being,
he'd put it in the downstairs toilet for me. And you know what he's
done? He's only planted it in the pan. Yes actually in the lavatory pan
with compost and everything. I mean how anyone could be so utterly goofy
to just follow the line
Victor: The riddle of the Bermuda Triangle was
finally solved today when it was revealed that Mrs Margaret Meldrew of
19 Riverbank had for the past fifty years had been putting all the ships
and planes away so we knew where they were.
Victor: What in the name of bloody hell
Victor :I do not
believe it!
Victor: In The name of sanity
Secrets Of The Seven Sorcerers - series 4
- episode 6 - Patrick:
Ah here we are, what did I tell you? My horoscope for the day. Do not
under any circumstances go round for a meal tonight at Victor Meldrew's
unless accompanied by a trained exorcist.
Patrick (on phone): Well, it's a bit of tricky one but erm, put
simply, my wife and I live next door to a mad man. If I told you a few
weeks ago he put a specially trained crab up my shorts while I was
asleep in the garden and that I had to be rushed to hospital with it
hanging between my legs like a passenger on a tube train, you'd get some
idea of the problem. What's tricky is that they've invited us around to
their house tomorrow for a meal to try and patch things up and I'm just
wondering if we should risk it.
One Foot In The Algarve - 1993 Christmas Special - Woman:
Portuguese pen friend? Bet that's fun.
Mrs Warboys: Yes, of course. His English is a bit better than my Portuguese.
We've been writing to each other for 13 years it must be now but never got round
to meeting...
Victor: The engines have stopped! Why have they done that? Just completely cut
out altogether.
Mrs Warboys: And then a couple of years ago he lost his wife and I recently got
divorced. We both thought it was a good chance to take the plunge.
Woman: Quite an adventure for you
Victor: My God, did you hear that?
Margaret: What is it now?
Victor: I just overheard one of those stewardesses whispering to her colleagues
that we're all doomed. I swear I did. As they both went by just then. Why is no
one else panicking?
Mrs Warboys: Of course I was a bit nervous about going out there all on my own
so the three of us decided to rent a little villa and have a bit of a holiday
for a couple of weeks.
Victor: What was that? Did you hear that just then?
Margaret: God spare us.
Victor: That noise, like the sound of a wing coming loose.
Margaret: Maybe it's the sound of someone getting hit over the head with a
bottle of duty free scotch in a minute. For God's sake give over and try going
to sleep or something.
Victor: How can I go to sleep with all this turbulence?
Margaret: Turbulence? How can we turbulence, we haven't left the bloody runway
yet!
Victor: But it will be a 100 times worse once we're in the air!
Tales of Terror - series 6 -
episode 2 - Mrs
Warboys: Here's a little something for you Mr Meldrew, from the local
deli up there. (hands Victor a plastic bag with a large black pudding in
it)
Victor: Thank you very much Mrs Warboys.
Mrs Warboys: And I remembered you saying you were in need of a new
jigsaw for something to do in the evenings, so
(hands Victor another bag with a large jigsaw box with a picture of a
black pudding on the top
Victor: Thank you very much Mrs Warboys
Mrs Warboys: That's Sheffield steel, it'll last you a lifetime
the
theme tune
the honda song
One Foot In The
Grave Lyrics
OPENING
LYRICS
They say I might as well face the truth
That I'm just too long in the tooth
So I'm an OAP and weak kneed
But I'm not yet quite gone to seed
I might be over the hill now that I am retired
fading away but I'm not yet expired
Clapped out, run down, too old to save
One foot in the grave
CLOSING
LYRICS
They say I might as well face the truth
That I'm just too long in the tooth
I started to deteriorate
And now I'm past my own sell by date
I am no spring chicken it's true
I have to pop my teeth into chew
And my old knees have started to knock
I've just got too many miles on the clock
So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly set in my ways
It's true that my body has seen better days
But give me half a chance I can still misbehave
One foot in the grave
One foot in the grave
One foot in the grave
ONE
FOOT IN THE ALGARVE - EXTENDED LYRICS
They tell me I am well past my prime
The landlord in the skies calling time
But there's one thing that he ought to know
I am not yet ready to go
I know I'm old but I'm not a freak
I should be cherished like an antique
But every time I have a slight cough
I'm frightened they'll start switching me off
So I'm a wrinkly crinkly, but don't shed a cheer
I'm not exactly a little old dear
One thing's for sure I'm still bloody well here
One foot in the grave
One foot in the grave
One foot in the grave
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