Lesson One: It's a Social Challenge
First off, YES we still get nervous when meeting new couples or attending club events. Seems no matter how many dances you go to, you still feel like you are putting yourself out there for review and it's just always nerve-wracking. One thing we haven't done, but would like to do, is venture into the world of house parties. We started out attending dances because the first event we ever heard about was a dance - and we liked them, became familiar with the format. House parties are, in our little pea-brains, a different breed... more intimate, fewer people, more intimidating. (That doesn't mean it has to be that way for YOU... it's just the way it is for US...) So we've stuck with what's become the most familiar... and yes, we need to get off our duffs and take a chance!
But the real social challenge, we've found, is that the lifestyle tests your diplomatic skills and forces you to toughen your skin. How? Well let's face it - you are out there trying to meet couples, ultimately for the purpose of fooling around with them. This is certainly the most intimate type of human encounter, and yet here we are, secure in a marriage and CHOOSING to continue to subject ourselves to possible rejection of the most intimate nature.
Everyone must hone two basic skills here: first, learn to say no gracefully. There will come a time when a couple invites you to get together, but for some reason you really don't want to. You must turn them down without making enemies of them, if you hope to face them graciously in the future. What are the magic words? Well we've been told the magic words are "No thank you." Nothing more. Still, our desire to smooth over a perceived insult all but forces us to add things like, "My wife isn't feeling too well" or something like that - which works until the rejected couple spots your wife going at it full tilt in the "group room." The truth is, every situation is different... and we are NOT Miss Manners, so we don't have the perfect all-purpose phrase. However, we are willing to pay BIG MONEY to the person who writes it - so keep those cards and letters coming! :)
On the flip side of this, you are bound to someday be rejected by another couple. You MUST - for the sake of your sanity - try very hard not to take this deeply personal thing personally. Or, put another way: take it personally, and talk about it amongst yourselves until you work through it, but don't let other couples see you pouting. And don't - EVER - argue with a couple who has turned you down. It's just not dignified.
Lesson Two: It Can Become Old Hat
When we first got interested in the lifestyle, we were very eager for new sexual experiences. VERY eager. Ok, REALLY eager. And frankly, while we were friendly with everyone and open to the possibility of building friendships, we were really hot on quantity over quality. We got into a cycle of "meet new couple/party with new couple... meet new couple/party with new couple..." Well just like anything else repetitious, it got a little old. For both of us, the process of meeting/partying lost some of its lustre.
In particular, we both noticed that after a time, we lost the desire to "tear into each other" after an encounter with another couple. We really mourned that loss, because the whole lifestyle experience was supposed to be about enhancing our sex life together. It did that - and does that - but that part has waned, and we miss it.
Here's just one contributing factor that you might not think of immediately: when you focus on the dance-type events like we do, the actual "partying" gets started pretty late - and therefore the time you have for each other is in the "wee hours." (Consider this typical time frame for a dance: dance from 8-midnight, socializing midnight-1:30 a.m., *maybe* party anywhere from 1:30 - 4 a.m. - now, raise your hand if 4 a.m. is your "peak performance time." LOL - thought so!) Well I guess you can argue that, if the lifestyle was truly exciting, it wouldn't matter WHAT time of night/morning it was, you would still tear into each other... but reality is, it does matter. When the early birds are chirping and you've just wrapped up an intense and erotic time with another couple, sometimes all you want to do is go to sleep.
What we've found is that we can be just as happy putting off our own hot sex until we've had a little shut-eye... we still do have that revved-up feeling for a day or two after a hot-n-sexy encounter. And, surprisingly (to us, anyway)... we can now attend a party and be perfectly happy socializing with our friends, and not consider it a wasted evening if we *don't* get together with another couple. (Note, however, that we are STILL really eager for new sexual experiences!!)
Lesson Three: It Can't Always Be Equal
One of the biggest challenges we've dealt with is that it's hard to find couples where all four people are mutually attracted to each other so you can play as couples. We can't emphasize this enough: it is RARE to find mutual, equal, four-way attraction! How does this affect our ability to enjoy the lifestyle? If the lifestyle is all about pleasure, then no one should have to have sex with someone they aren't attracted to. Yes, we both *really* believe this. BUT.... if I'm really attracted to a guy, but hubby is neutral about the guy's wife... is it unreasonable of me to ask him to keep an open mind about her, and *maybe* party with her anyway? Is it unreasonable of him to ask the same of ME, if I'm waffling on whether I'm attracted to someone's hubby? Well it may surprise you to learn that I *don't* think it's unreasonable. Yes, attraction is important. BUT... if it's a matter of just being neutral - don't mind if I do, but don't mind if I don't... well then I might just party simply because hubby is hot to trot. No I don't feel cheap or dirty doing that, and no I don't consider it an insult to the other person. In fact, I try to always be an enthusiastic participant no matter what... and with that attitude, I always enjoy myself.
Now certainly, if I am just plain not attracted to someone, then I would not take this approach. It's not fair to me, and it's not fair to the other person. So, another way to deal with this problem is to expand the limits of what you'll allow. We've talked about this - we started out saying, we only party as a couple, in the same room... after all, we did and DO like to watch each other and contribute to the other's experience. After about the first year, though, we decided that if we are attending a dance as a couple, and if one of us wishes to party separately with someone that we both already know and trust, then that might be okay if the spouses know what is going on and approve in advance. Yes this concession looks like a baby-step... but was one of those things that required a lot of discussion because it was so contrary to the way we started out.
Now, lest this all start sounding negative, let us assure you - it's not a negative thing. We've found ways to deal with it all - we are both strong communicators, and we both feel it has strengthened the bond between us because we can just talk until we turn blue and work things out. Also, we both enjoy the attention we get from the opposite sex... he loves a naughty-talking, semi-aggressive woman to pull him by the ear out onto the dance floor... and I love a warm salacious dance with a guy who doesn't mind my large bust and short stature.
Bottom line is, we are still having a lot of fun... but we've learned you have be creative to keep it fresh and sexy!
