I'd like to shine a spotlight on a group of people who go largely unnoticed in today's society. We've all seen them, yet we choose to let them waddle by, only noticing them enough to turn sideways to avoid crashing into them. I'm talking about tubby people who walk around carrying half empty 600ml bottles of Coca Cola.

Oh yeah, they're everywhere, and it's about time they had their day.

The female of this species is usually wearing drab clothing, such as board shorts and a sweater (nice look), and, more often than not, sports an unkempt crop of short hair (most likely bleach blond with dark roots showing, also a good look – timeless really).

The male of the species is usually larger than the female and wears board shorts and a tight (how could it be anything else), black (because it's so slimming) T-shirt. He will more than likely have no hair – except for the goatee, that is.

I believe they're walking around for the exercise and they have Coke for refreshment. Because you wouldn't want to be drinking water. It's such a struggle to get though the recommended 8 glasses of water a day, or so that TV ad tells us. I know I battle with that every day.

I wonder if they see the 600ml bottle of Coke as half empty or half full. I think they probably see it as half empty, because you can never have too much Coke. If they where ever to run into a Genie I think the neverending pack of Tim Tams would come in third place to a neverending 600ml bottle of Coke and a bucket of KFC chicken*.

I think these people have suffered enough obscurity and we need to get them into the foreground. I have the perfect arena for them; Tubby People Coke Wrestling.

Lets not dismiss it right away, it could be fun. Tubby people wrestling around a 600ml bottle of their favorite beverage – to the winner goes the spoils.

Tonight, come down do the Geelong Arena and witness a literal battle of the bulge as tubbies wrestle for the ultimate prize... 600ml's of fizzy black gold, Dandenong tea! Tonight's contestants:

Beef Boy vs. Mr. Militia

Look out ladies, no that's not a gun in Mr. Militia's pocket! Play your card's right and the winner could be taking you out for Chinese food and mixing some bourbon into that Coke for you. Mmmmm, yeah!

 

*Traditionally, the Genie (or Djinn) would grant 3 wishes which would somehow be tainted with a consequence, or there would be something horribly wrong with produced wishes. This was used to teach us a lesson about the evils of greed. I shudder to think of what would happen if you asked a Genie for a neverending bucket of chicken, being that chicken can be slightly disgusting at the best of times.

 

 

You can email Stilt-boy at jimjimbo75@yahoo.com.au

Go ahead, ask him a question... or offer him sexual favors, he'd like that...