I really think we should move quickly to replace the Governor General, because if we go without one for too long Australia's going to fall apart.

I'd like to put in my suggestion for the new Governor General. It may be a little controversial considering he's not Australian, but he is in Australia at the moment so I think we can overlook that. I suggest Rutger Hauer.

I think he would make an excellent Governor General, especially with that hat. At least if he was Governor General he would be entertaining. Up until a couple of months ago, I didn't even know we had one. Maybe Sir Peter Hollingworth thought he was on a reality TV program and that if he kept a low profile and didn't upset anyone he wouldn't get voted off the island. I guess he was right, pity for him he couldn't keep his feelings about pedophilia under wraps. Looks like his getting voted off the island didn't stop him from winning the money though.

Ok, maybe Governor General's not the thing for Rutger, but I do think we need to see more of him. Lance Henriksen's been doing ads for Visa, maybe we can get Rutger on TV commercials. Maybe for those new sanitary products U.

Who put the U in Rutger? I don't know, but they made a mistake - they go in ladies. Some would argue that it's an easy mistake to make, but I digress.

What's with the current boom in tampon technology anyway? You've got those new U tampons and pads with the easy twist off wrappers, superslim aerodynamic pads that adjust to your 'G'. I saw a packet of tampons in the supermarket the other day (cos I'm a regular tampon shopper) that declared 'Now with TAMPOD'. What the fuck is Tampod? I don't think I have to be female to know. Pretty soon you'll have tampons with molded grips, pads with tiny vacuum's, super-soak grooves, extended bristles that get into all the nooks and crannies and before you know it ladies you'll be paying $6 for a toothbrush... I mean tampon... I mean... ok, so what I'm really pissed about is the price of toothbrushes. But be warned, in no time at all ads will be asking you if you have a flip-top vag... Reach for Reach so you don't have to bleach.

Ok, I think I just went too far. Seriously, I should have someone here at all times to stop me if I get too close to the edge. I start talking about Rutger and before you know it you've got a flip-top vag and a bottle of White King. I need to be policed. Maybe I need my own Governor General. And we're back... thank you for the applause.

 

You can email the Gold Logie winning Stilt-boy at jimjimbo75@yahoo.com.au

Go ahead, ask him a question... or offer him sexual favors, he'd like that...