Tightrope Walker-man & Stilt-Boy
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The Mystery of the Misfortunate Monkey

 

“Come quickly Tightrope Walker-Man, something terrible has happened to Ishnu!” Came the terrified call from outside Tightrope Walker-Man and Stilt-Boy’s circus caravan.


Ishnu was the circus’ performing monkey. People came from miles around to see him wave his ample arms over his head and poke out his tongue in his special, comical way. But today he would not be performing. Today he had met his maker in suspicious circumstances, the kind that could only have befallen him in Pinky’s Three Ring Circus.


“Holy crazy carpenter, Tightrope Walker-Man! Are those nails sticking out of his eyes? Stilt-boy asked in astonishment.


“I wish they were, Stilty. No, I don’t think you can get pink, plastic-coated nails from any hardware store that I know… except Bunning’s maybe, they have everything. No, Stilty, I think they’re… knitting needles!”


“Holy weird-ass-monkey-jumper! Who could do such a thing to Ishnu?”


“Somebody… insane. Come on, Stilty, we’ve got a monkey killer to catch!”


From a secluded corner of the circus compound, behind the hopper bind were all the animal dung is stored (to be used as dim sim stuffing and sold to an unsuspecting public at a later date), an evil pair of eyes watched our hero’s as they went about their investigation. “You’ll never catch me, Tightrope Walker-Man,” came a hoarse whisper, “I’ll get you first!” (Evil snicker).


****************


“Mmmm, pancakes!” Tightrope Walker-Man smiled in delight, he liked pancakes. “Thank you, Mrs Morris.”


“How’s the investigation coming along, boy’s?” Mrs Morris, the kind, elderly cook asked of our two hero’s.


“Not very well,” said Tightrope Walker-Man through a mouthful of pancake. “We’ve asked almost everybody here if they killed Ishnu and they all say it wasn’t them. We don’t know what else we can do.”


“Oh, that’s a shame,” said Mrs Morris, “I was really kind of fond of that monkey. I remember when…”


Mrs Morris was cut off in mid sentence when a spear flew through the window, hitting her from behind and exploding out of her ample, wrinkly bosom, killing her instantly.


“Holy woman-on-a-stick, Tightrope Walker-Man!” yelled Stilt-Boy, jumping up from the table and knocking his pancakes onto the floor into the expanding puddle of Mrs Morris’ blood. The pancake started soaking up the blood like a maxi-pad… but without the wings. “Somebody pierced Mrs Morris!”


“I think you’re right, Stilt-Boy!” Tightrope Walker-Man was at the window in a flash. He saw a furry figure lurch through the door of a shipping container on the edge of the circus compound.


Tightrope Walker-Man pointed out the window and announced heroically, “Quick, Stilt-Boy! To the… thing!”


“The… what?” Stilt-Boy asked, puzzled.


“Just follow me, Stilty!” With that, he ran out of the caravan, almost slipping over on the blood-soaked pancake, and across the compound to the shipping container. Stilt-Boy close behind.


They opened the door of the container and stepped inside. It was dark inside and it soon got much darker as the door of the container slammed shut behind them and locked from the outside.


“Holy sardines, Tightrope Walker-Man, we’re locked in! What will we do now?”


“Quiet, Stilt-Boy!” There was a rustling at the other end of the container, followed by several pinging sounds, like drops of water hitting the floor of the steel container. “I don’t think we’re alone in here.”


As Stilt-Boy’s eyes adjusted to the dark he noticed a large, familiar form huddled at the end of the container. “Holy big-fucking-animal, Tightrope Walker-Man! It’s Mindy the elephant, and by now she’s already had her morning coffee. Coffee’s a diuretic, Tightrope Walker-Man, she’s gonna blow!”


“Oh crap, Stilty! We’ll drown!” Tightrope Walker-Man proclaimed, “quick, Stilt-Boy, your pogo-stilts!”


“Good thinking, Tightrope Walker-Man!”


Just then there was a ‘whoooosh’ as Mindy became unable to hold her bladder any longer and the container started to fill up with rank smelling elephant urine. Tightrope Walker-Man wrapped his arms around Stilt-Boy’s waist and Stilt-Boy pressed a button on his belt buckle. The pogo-stilts sprang out from the soles of Stilt-Boy’s boots, propelling them upwards through the roof of the shipping container and out onto the grassy area outside, where they rolled around, clutching their heads in pain.


“Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow… steel is hard!” Whimpered Tightrope Walker-Man. He caught a glimpse in the corner of his watering eye of something moving next to him and quickly looked up.


“AHHHHHHHHHHH!” Tightrope Walker-Man screamed like a girl as he saw a giant gorilla standing above him, swinging something down towards him. He rolled to the side as a novelty inflatable baseball bat with razorblades sticky-taped to it bounced off the ground next to his head.


Stilt-Boy was on his feet in a flash and took a flying karate kick towards the giant gorilla. Just before his foot struck the gorilla in the head, Stilt-Boy pressed the button on his belt buckle. The pogo-stilts sprang out of his boot, striking the gorilla’s head and knocking it clean off. “Eat coil! You’ve been stilted, you big, ugly gorilla-type-person!”


Tightrope Walker-Man got to his feet and picked up the gorilla’s head. “Stilty, it’s a mask!”


They looked over to the body of the gorilla. Sticking out of the top of the furry gorilla suit was the furry head of the monkey killer, dazed, but otherwise unharmed, the gorilla mask having taken the brunt of the blow from the pogo-stilts.


“THE BEARDED LADY!” Our hero’s exclaimed in tandem.


“ That’s right,” said the Bearded Lady in a manly voice, “I was sick of people coming to the circus and laughing at me. I’m a nice person, I wanted visitors to like me, just like they did Ishnu. So, I got this gorilla suit and murdered Ishnu so I could take his place. And I would have gotten away with it too, Tightrope Walker-Man, had it not been for you love for Ishnu!”


“I… WHAT?” Tightrope Walker-Man asked, confused.


“You and Ishnu, you were having an affair!”


“What? Was I?”


“Weren’t you?”


“I don’t think so.”


“Oh.”


With the Bearded Lady apprehended, Pinky’s Three Ring Circus was safe again from evil no-gooders… at least for the time being…