Tightrope
Walker-man & Stilt-Boy
in
The Mystery of the Misfortunate Monkey
Come quickly Tightrope Walker-Man, something terrible has happened to Ishnu! Came the terrified call from outside Tightrope Walker-Man and Stilt-Boys circus caravan.
Ishnu was the circus performing monkey. People came from miles around
to see him wave his ample arms over his head and poke out his tongue in his
special, comical way. But today he would not be performing. Today he had met
his maker in suspicious circumstances, the kind that could only have befallen
him in Pinkys Three Ring Circus.
Holy crazy carpenter, Tightrope Walker-Man! Are those nails sticking
out of his eyes? Stilt-boy asked in astonishment.
I wish they were, Stilty. No, I dont think you can get pink, plastic-coated
nails from any hardware store that I know
except Bunnings maybe,
they have everything. No, Stilty, I think theyre
knitting needles!
Holy weird-ass-monkey-jumper! Who could do such a thing to Ishnu?
Somebody
insane. Come on, Stilty, weve got a monkey killer
to catch!
From a secluded corner of the circus compound, behind the hopper bind were
all the animal dung is stored (to be used as dim sim stuffing and sold to
an unsuspecting public at a later date), an evil pair of eyes watched our
heros as they went about their investigation. Youll never
catch me, Tightrope Walker-Man, came a hoarse whisper, Ill
get you first! (Evil snicker).
****************
Mmmm, pancakes! Tightrope Walker-Man smiled in delight, he liked
pancakes. Thank you, Mrs Morris.
Hows the investigation coming along, boys? Mrs Morris,
the kind, elderly cook asked of our two heros.
Not very well, said Tightrope Walker-Man through a mouthful of
pancake. Weve asked almost everybody here if they killed Ishnu
and they all say it wasnt them. We dont know what else we can
do.
Oh, thats a shame, said Mrs Morris, I was really kind
of fond of that monkey. I remember when
Mrs Morris was cut off in mid sentence when a spear flew through the window,
hitting her from behind and exploding out of her ample, wrinkly bosom, killing
her instantly.
Holy woman-on-a-stick, Tightrope Walker-Man! yelled Stilt-Boy,
jumping up from the table and knocking his pancakes onto the floor into the
expanding puddle of Mrs Morris blood. The pancake started soaking up
the blood like a maxi-pad
but without the wings. Somebody pierced
Mrs Morris!
I think youre right, Stilt-Boy! Tightrope Walker-Man was
at the window in a flash. He saw a furry figure lurch through the door of
a shipping container on the edge of the circus compound.
Tightrope Walker-Man pointed out the window and announced heroically, Quick,
Stilt-Boy! To the
thing!
The
what? Stilt-Boy asked, puzzled.
Just follow me, Stilty! With that, he ran out of the caravan,
almost slipping over on the blood-soaked pancake, and across the compound
to the shipping container. Stilt-Boy close behind.
They opened the door of the container and stepped inside. It was dark inside
and it soon got much darker as the door of the container slammed shut behind
them and locked from the outside.
Holy sardines, Tightrope Walker-Man, were locked in! What will
we do now?
Quiet, Stilt-Boy! There was a rustling at the other end of the
container, followed by several pinging sounds, like drops of water hitting
the floor of the steel container. I dont think were alone
in here.
As Stilt-Boys eyes adjusted to the dark he noticed a large, familiar
form huddled at the end of the container. Holy big-fucking-animal, Tightrope
Walker-Man! Its Mindy the elephant, and by now shes already had
her morning coffee. Coffees a diuretic, Tightrope Walker-Man, shes
gonna blow!
Oh crap, Stilty! Well drown! Tightrope Walker-Man proclaimed,
quick, Stilt-Boy, your pogo-stilts!
Good thinking, Tightrope Walker-Man!
Just then there was a whoooosh as Mindy became unable to hold
her bladder any longer and the container started to fill up with rank smelling
elephant urine. Tightrope Walker-Man wrapped his arms around Stilt-Boys
waist and Stilt-Boy pressed a button on his belt buckle. The pogo-stilts sprang
out from the soles of Stilt-Boys boots, propelling them upwards through
the roof of the shipping container and out onto the grassy area outside, where
they rolled around, clutching their heads in pain.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow
steel is hard! Whimpered Tightrope Walker-Man.
He caught a glimpse in the corner of his watering eye of something moving
next to him and quickly looked up.
AHHHHHHHHHHH! Tightrope Walker-Man screamed like a girl as he
saw a giant gorilla standing above him, swinging something down towards him.
He rolled to the side as a novelty inflatable baseball bat with razorblades
sticky-taped to it bounced off the ground next to his head.
Stilt-Boy was on his feet in a flash and took a flying karate kick towards
the giant gorilla. Just before his foot struck the gorilla in the head, Stilt-Boy
pressed the button on his belt buckle. The pogo-stilts sprang out of his boot,
striking the gorillas head and knocking it clean off. Eat coil!
Youve been stilted, you big, ugly gorilla-type-person!
Tightrope Walker-Man got to his feet and picked up the gorillas head.
Stilty, its a mask!
They looked over to the body of the gorilla. Sticking out of the top of the
furry gorilla suit was the furry head of the monkey killer, dazed, but otherwise
unharmed, the gorilla mask having taken the brunt of the blow from the pogo-stilts.
THE BEARDED LADY! Our heros exclaimed in tandem.
Thats right, said the Bearded Lady in a manly voice, I
was sick of people coming to the circus and laughing at me. Im a nice
person, I wanted visitors to like me, just like they did Ishnu. So, I got
this gorilla suit and murdered Ishnu so I could take his place. And I would
have gotten away with it too, Tightrope Walker-Man, had it not been for you
love for Ishnu!
I
WHAT? Tightrope Walker-Man asked, confused.
You and Ishnu, you were having an affair!
What? Was I?
Werent you?
I dont think so.
Oh.
With the Bearded Lady apprehended, Pinkys Three Ring Circus was safe
again from evil no-gooders
at least for the time being