Tightrope Walker-man & Stilt-Boy
in
The Winona Workout

(A Public Service Announcement)

 

Tightrope Walker-man (TWM): Are you sick and tired of all those ads for exercise equipment that promise the world, but don’t deliver?

Stilt-boy (SB): Holy you-betcha, Tightrope Walker-Man!

TWM: Well, Stilty, be sick and tired no more! Now you can do the new exercising craze that’s sweeping the nation… the Wynona Workout! All the celebrities are doing it!

SB: Holy I-just-felt-my-sphincter-loosen, Tightrope Walker-Man! The Wynona Workout!?! How much does that cost?

TWM: Whoa there, Stilty! Let’s not jump the gun! Don’t you want to know more about it?

SB: Oh, yeah… Sorry, Tightrope Walker-Man.

TWM: The Wynona Workout gives you a full cardio-vascular workout, whilst also allowing you to trim and tone specific areas of the body.

SB: Holy wide-ass, Tightrope Walker-Man! How does it work?

TWM: Well, Stilty, you can get a full cardio-vascular workout simply by… running from the law!

SB: Holy easy-as-losing-control-of-a-sloppy-fart, Tightrope Walker-Man! But what happens when the law catches you?

TWM: Glad you asked, Stilty, because the Wynona Workout doesn’t stop there! It simply moves on the Court Room for the obection-abdominal workout. From a sitting position, simply stand, keeping your back straight so you’re using those abdominal muscles, shout ‘objection’ , and slowly sit back down, keeping your back straight again. For example, when they introduce camera footage of you cutting off security tags, stand – ‘objection’ – sit, keeping the back perfectly straight.

SB: Holy no-more-belly-bouncing, Tightrope Walker-Man! How much does it cost?

TWM: But wait, Stilty, it doesn’t stop there. If you ring now, you can tighten and tone those buttocks with the Cell Buddy. To demonstrate the Cell Buddy, please welcome our special guests… Chuck Norris and his Cell Buddy, Bad-ass Bob!

Chuck Norris (CN): Hey, boys!

TWM & SB: Hi, Chuck!

CN: The Cell Buddy is the new and easy way to tone and tighten those butt muscles, and it’s as easy as bending over. Simply bend over and let the Cell Buddy do all the work… oh yeah… I can feel the Cell Buddy working on my ass muscles right now.

TWM: That’s fine for an experienced Cell Buddy user like you, Chuck, but what about for the beginner?

CN: Good question, Tightrope Walker-Man. Well, with the right Cell Buddy, and the right lubrication, anyone can do it. Maybe I can show you later.

TWM: Sure, that would be great, Chuck.
CN: Oh yeah… feel the burn… And this isn’t all! You can also work on those shoulder, neck and upper arm muscles, simply by turning around and putting the Cell Buddy in… au mumph… i ish.

TWM: Ah… thanks, Chuck. It’s good to see a hairy man getting a great work-out.

SB: Holy shit-yeah, Tightrope Walker-Man! But how much does it cost?

TWM: Well, Stilty, it cost the taxpayer millions of dollars a year, but for the user of the Wynona Workout, it’s absolutely free! That’s right, all you have to do is pilfer about $1000 worth of hair scrunchies and you too can be trim and terrific in just 5 to 10 years.

SB: Holy Wynona’s-a-fucking-genius, Tightrope Walker-Man! It’s so easy!

TWM: Yes, and it can be yours today, free of charge… Chuck, you can stop now, the commercial’s over… Cut it out, Chuck,… you big fag…