Lifting a Finger and Doing Something [April 3, 2003]
AHHH...It's up now... [April 2, 2003 @ 1:15 am]
The Timberwolves just lost to the LA Lakers today, damn! It was the fifth game in a best of seven series, which the Lakers currently hold at 3-2. Poor T-wolves, they lost by 30 points at home (120-90), and it looks like the Lakers would wrap this up in the next game which would be at the Staples Center in LA. I hope that the T-wolves win that game so they can take it back home for the last game and hopefully win.
Yeah right! Wishful thinking, I mean the Lakers are the defending champions, and with Shaq and Kobe, how can they possibly lose. But the T-wolves have showed that they can eat this Lakers team if they really get their act together. I mean, its been six playoff appearances already, and they still haven't breached pass the 1st round. For the first time, they have home court advantage, man, they should show their hunger for winning this series, that is their only ticket if they want to win this series. If they do, Kevin Garnett could possibly be named MVP. Wow.
Here's hoping that they could turn the series around. Just extend it to a game seven, and if ever they'd lose that, don't lose by a blowout, make it close, so you guys can hold your heads up high. They are the defending champs, but they are still only human.
Enough of that, am going to go out now and watch Xmen 2. Yes. And who knows, if am in the right mood, I may go the Pulp Summer Slam 3.
Now, where do I get tickets for that?
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This summer is real giving me a hard-on. What with all the movies going to be released just this summer. X2, T3, The Matrix Reloaded, Hulk, Bad Boys II. Sure, they might not be Oscar quality pictures, but they are Hollywood movies. You know, mega-budget, flashy promotions, dazzling special effects, fast paced action, even though logic is not required. Eye candy movies that would just leave people drooling, and wishing for more. I guess I am speaking for myself again here. Well, I am pretty much excited.
And it's all gonna start tomorrow, with X2. Cool, considering that the movie would be released in the U.S. on May 2. Not to mention the time difference, we would be seeing the movie a good two days before those Americans. Nice right? We have piracy to thank for this, or else we had to wait a month or two, just like old times. I hope the same thing would happen with Lord of the Rings, but due to the Metro Manila Film Fest, we only get to see it a month from it's release there, which downright sucks.
Quite a summer indeed. Now if I could get that job, and have my dorm back, then things would be perfect.
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Hinting on Lambert's massive post, I decided to go to Robinson's Place Metro East. He set up an EB for those who wanted to go to Summer Shebang 2003. If I saw anyone I knew that would be going, then I'd prolly go to. If not, then I would just watch a movie, go home and sulk the night away. Luckily, when I was walking around Lambert and Zar saw me. So that was that, I had someone to go to with. After, almost two long months, I am going to another gig. Cool!
Bent had a show there, which was the reason why the so called EB was held there. We finished it, ate then waited for some people before going to the venue. On the way, we met up with Niche.
When we arrived, Imago was performing, but most of the bands have already finished playing. Some of the bands that we did get to see where, Imago, Jumbolilith, Huh?, Sandwich, Kamikazee, and Chicosci. Jumbolilith was quite amusing, they covered different songs. Then they played, Side A's Forevermore, and I remembered her, again. Uncool! Kamikazee was in their usual state of mind, still wack and crazy. Sandwich performed new songs, sounded pretty good.
Considering it was a free event, there were of course, a lot of people, but luckily it was not the violent PULP-type-crowd. Oh, and with the recent news about SARS in the country, you could see a number of people fashioning all sorts of masks. I bet, they weren't wearing them for SARS but rather as a fashion thing.
The event ended pretty early, just past 11 pm, with Razorback being the last band, but we have left already before they even arrived.
Since it ended early, I was still able to go home, all the way back to Pililla, Rizal. Cool but tiring experience. Was able to go to a gig and be back home by midnight.
All in all, I did have some fun. Saw a lot of people that I haven't seen in a long time, and it was cool hanging out with them again. Some people texted me, which kind of entertained me more. I did think about being at home rather than watching the gig, but luckily it wasn't that depressing.
Now, for the next stop. SummerSlam 3 at Amoranto Stadium. Hmmmm...
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S.I.P. --> Self Inflicted Pain
I love this house, we have a healthy supply of razors, scalpels and blades. I am most amused by scalpel, since they are for surgical purposes and thus terribly sharp and easy to use, though it's sad that I can't find the actual handles, only the blades, which is good enough, to say the least.
I find pleasure in really hurting myself, be it physically, mentally, and of course, emotionally.
If I have a certain emotional problem, I try and find the easiest way out of the problem, which for me is shifting the blame on some other problem, may it be the original cause of all these problems or not. Recently, I did this again, because of a certain "rejection" and I can say that I shifted the problem back to a previous one that is clearly the cause of all these stuff, depression, loneliness, etc. The good thing is that I almost feel nothing about that "rejection" thing. Yey! So now for the bad part. Let's just say that the previous problem was really something big for so many reasons and now I am trapped. It was wishful thinking that she'd be able to do anything, instead, certain things about that cleared up and made it bigger and heavier, and now am trapped, having no one/nothing else to turn to who could possibly help and not just momentarily relieve my problems. Videogames used to be good at this, but now, it just isn't the same anymore. Poor me, but why be sorry, I did...I AM doing this to myself.
Physically, well you have a clear idea what physical means. I used to love picking fights with walls, then it came to me that if I over did it, and broke a few bones in my fist, I'd have trouble playing videogames, heck, I may not be able to play again. This was too much of a gamble, since videogames are the only thing left that I truly enjoy and makes me happy (they could not possibly break my heart, right?). So I graduated from that and moved onto slashing and slicing certain body parts, particularly the wrist, cause they are the easiest. I really wanted to be a doctor before, and now, at 22, I know why. Wouldn't it be nice to cut and slice people open because it's your job? I certainly do. But, I didn't become a doctor, so now am performing this guilty pleasure on myself. And am proud to say, I am getting better at it each and everytime. Last year, they were hardly visible, simply lines on my wrist, especially when I was doing it. Now, when I did it, blood was gushing out of it, it looked so cool. Can't wait to do it again. Oh, and it isn't about suicidal tendencies (for that, you have to slice along and not across), it's about the pain, and maybe the lovely site of your bloody wrist after the process.
Going now to mental problems, I'll just throw in a few words that could best describe it. Low self-esteem. Extreme self-pity. Zero self-confidence. Dreaming. Hoping. Wishful thinking. Get the picture? Hope you do.
I just can't help hurting myself, and sometimes it's actually quite a unique feeling. Though I'd rather have someone tell me to tell me not to. And by someone, I guess you know what that means.
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Had quite a long day yesterday. A long, tiring but fun day. And I mean day only, the night was pretty stupid.
Anyway, I had my first ever job interview today. Went out pretty smoothly since the interviewer was fairly young and wasn't too intimidating, I was able to talk more, with less stutter, even though I was hardly prepared for it, not knowing even the position I was applying for, beat that. I think I did pretty well in the interview, except maybe in the last part when she asked me what I have been doing since December, she then said, "What? Bumming around? That was only a joke. So..." and I amazingly answered, "Yes, bumming around." Ain't that cool? The rest was fairly straightforward, except for me saying too much "I guess." when answering some questions.
There was also this quiz, it was called Sach's Test, which is simply a sentence completion test. Funny thing was some questions where repeated twice or thrice, either in the same structure or an entirely new question with the same meaning. One of the questions was "My dad is", and was surprised to see the question again. Most of my answers where based on my current mood of loneliness and depression, completing sentences such as "I find girls" with "deceptively nice and sweet" and "my greatest fear" with "loneliness." Enjoyed answering that quiz.
Overall, my first job interview was quite an overwhelming and interesting experience. Thanks go out to Stanley and Jermayn for the referrals. Much appreciated.
After that, I met up with Stanley at Robinson's Place Manila, watched two movies, Equilibrium and Anger Management. Haven't seen a movie in like two weeks, which is quite abnormal for me.
I found Equilibrium rather dull, story-wise that is, because there isn't much too it, plus the story rather progressed slowly. I want to say something more, but it will ruin the movie if you haven't seen it yet. But then again, this is an action movie, so who cares about the story and pacing. The action sequences were flashy and seemed rather cheesy at first, until it was explained that there was a certain logic to those flashy moves.
Next we have Anger Management. First and foremost, I wanna say that Marisa Tomei is an angel. She's totally hot and rocks my world completely. As for the movie, it offered a lot of good laughs, well, that's what you get with Adam Sandler teamed up with Jack Nicholson.
In between, saw a lot of cool trailers for some of the big summer movies such as Hulk, X2, Bad Boys II, plus The Hours, Frida and Confessions of A Dangerous Mind among others.
Had a few stops after the movie, then went home. Got home exhausted and sleepy, my eyes felt sleepy, but the rest of my body didn't want to cooperate.
Washed up and prepared to try and go to sleep. She missed called me, and I replied, was gonna text her anyway and had quite the conversation which ended up with me, I guess I'll devote a whole post later on this day about that. And yes, It made me stay up until this early, my eyes already teary and my muscles aching, but still awake.
It's kind of pathetic that the only person who bothers to text me at all, has to be her.
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Lately, my cellphone's primary function has been more like a fancy paperweight that decorates my desk rather than a once useful tool for communication. No one seems to care to reply to some messages and miss calls. During the past few years, I couldn't not live without it, checking for messages every damn minute. So now, it just sits in my room, but am still pretty much attached to it, checking it out every hour or so, just in case someone did remember, only to be painfully disappointed.
Well, today, I decided to forget about the damn thing for the whole day. I actually managed to, until my mom asked me to text my brother. So, I texted him, then checked out my inbox, only to be surprised by a very important text from Aboitiz about a job interview and exam tomorrow. Wow, that really caught me with my pants down. Was in some sort of confused and panicked mode awhile ago. Glad that things are straightened out but am damn nervous. Quite unexpected. Totally.
So there, I'd be waking up early for that job interview. Shit, am really not ready for this. I don't even have a good pen! Ack!
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Life used to be so much simpler just playing videogames the whole day, thinking of nothing else but videogames.
Enter love, time spent with that special someone who for a moment pulled you away from that little box, even if you weren't with each other, somehow, you just felt that you were. Made you open your eyes to the reality that there IS something better than videogames. You could actually last a whole week without even touching it. Even turn the bloody thing off when she happens to call or text. Gave you a special feeling of having someone to care for and actually care for you (with videogames, the relationship is merely one-way, though in some cases, it can become two-way, by way of clever imagination).
Then she rips out your still beating heart out of your chest, which you willingly entrusted to her for safe-keeping because you loved her. Chops it into small bite-size pieces, wraps it in some cute foil (like candy), and throws it right back in your face.
Your whole life comes crashing down. Immediately running back to the safety and solitude found in videogames, your one and only true friend. Sadly, they hardly do the trick anymore. Sure, when you are playing, you hardly think of anything else. Enter load times. In that split second of idle time, thoughts of her suddenly rush up into your head making you feel sick to the stomach, like you wanna puke or simply scream and cry out loud.
Longing for that awesome feeling of being in love, you look around for something, someone, that could help you feel better. While looking around, the truth hits you hard, smack on your face, causing you to fall down. The hard and cold truth that you are so very much alone. Dazed and confused, you try and get up, only to find that small electronic box of virtual entertainment smiling back at you.
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A year ago last summer, was the last time I spent time with her. Everything is still so vivid. Remember everything like it happened yesterday, and I miss that nice and terrific feeling. Sad to say, it isn't the only thing vivid in my memory but also the pain, the anguish, the suffering, and all those unanswered questions that I almost always remember. Major bummer!
Been listening to Taking Back Sunday lately, and found their song, "You're So Last Summer", really entertaining. It's quite a beautiful song. What, with lines like.
"And all I need to know
Is that I'm something you'll be missing.
Maybe I should hate you for this.
Never really did ever quite get that far."
and
"The truth is you could slit my throat.
And with my one last gasping breath,
I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt."
Yep, anything with blood and hate really triggers my fancy. Playing it over and over.
My sleeping habits have radically changed in the last few days. It's definitely affected by my active lifestyle. Here is a rough example of how I waste each passing day.
Quite an interesting life, I might say. Day in, Day out. This is my life.
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It's so bloody hot today, yup, like any other freaking day. This is among those things that make summer so, uhmm, uncool. A nice, ice cold glass of coke would surely do wonders.
Am still hooked with Final Fantasy X, trying to improve the stats of my characters, which is starting to become a long and boring process. Good thing my cousin is staying over, as mentioned before, another videogaming person. So I just supervise what's going on. =)
Quite a life I have nowadays, doing nothing useful at all. Playing videogames almost all day. Mainly because it keeps me from thinking about the real things that are going on, especially how depressed and troubled I am. Damn this stupid feeling, can't hardly finish my meals, can't sleep at all. I just doze off any time of the day, whenever I feel like it or when I really can't take it anymore. The harder I try to sleep, the harder it gets for me to get sleepy at all. In those rare instances that I do doze off into dreamland, I usually find myself waking up an hour later. At this point, I don't feel sleepy anymore, so I just stay up, staring at nothing, thinking about all the shitty things happening in my life. If lucky enough, I'd find the PS2 free for me to use and be happy again.
That's my life. Pretty interesting, ain't it? Thinking of going job hunting with Stan and Macky, maybe just to get the feel of it as I prepare to be a Professional Job Applicant, or who knows, I might actually get myself a job, a good job that is, and yes, in a big company. =) Am still thinking about it though, since I am not certain about the legality of my dual citizenship. Then this depression may attack again, pulling all sorts of excuses like Manila being too far, or "am going away in a few months anyway so why even bother" , or am still not sure about what I really want to do, or some other load of crap. Well, let's just see what happens.
In the meantime, I got to check on my cousin.
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Just finished downloading and watching the new and final trailer for The Matrix Reloaded, and all I can say is that it's absolutely jaw-dropping. The visual effects got me drooling and begging for more. Wow, those silver guys in dreadlocks are so fucking cool, so are the fight scenes. Ack, I just can't wait until the release date, which is a good one month from now (05.15.03). Cool! With a movie this big, we can expect a simultaneous release, which is about the only good thing piracy has done, that and cheaper prices. It was well worth the time spent downloading it, considering I'm using a lousy dial-up connection.
Am also done with the two free episodes for the animatrix, The Program and The Detective Story. Nice episodes in expanding the world of the Matrix as we know it. Only one more free episode to go, to bad I have to wait till May for that one, which happens to be Part II of The Second Renaissance.
Ah, and rumors online say that The Matrix Reloaded would come with the trailer for Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. Two cheers for that, another reason to see the flick not like there isn't one already.
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I finally found out why I couldn't upload anything, either by geocities or by FTP. Most of the pictures I have are too damn big (600+KB). Tried uploading files using FTP one by one and noticed that each picture took so long to upload. Then I checked the folder where my website is on my hard drive, 22MB. Got a real shock right there. Everything's fine now except that the pics don't have any links yet, have to resize them first before uploading again. Well, it just solidifies the fact I am really the one with the problem, and that before I blame the whole freaking world about everything pathetic in my life, I must look at myself first. The funny thing is I already know this, but I don't do a thing about it.
Now let's cheer up a bit.
Gave myself sometime to click every link that I came across while reading blogs from my favorite webcomics and found out some truly amazing sites. You could find a lot of cool and interesting stuff by reading of online news from yahoo or msn, like this link to some fashionable masks for SARS infected countries. Then there's this girl Jane, who happens to be the editor and founder of Game Girl Advance, a pretty nifty site about girl gaming with all sorts of interesting news about videogames such as death after 86 hours of non-stop gaming, a guy getting busted for game hints, and internet hoaxes (MAVAV). She also has her own personal site, umami tsunami : a wave of deliciousness, which is full of appealing reads and gives you a particularly good idea on how remarkable and extensive a simple personal website could be.
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I just don't get wakes and all the usual stuff that comes with death, let's say funerals, to be more specific. And the gambling, its kindda pathetic if the people you see gambling there are the exact same lot you saw during your last wake, right? Am so glad that my father opted for an immediate cremation the day he died, I wouldn't have lasted a day with all those people around, running all over the place when all you really need is some peace and serenity, be alone for that moment. But then again, that's ME talking.
Maybe I really wasn't in the mood to go to a wake of someone I don't even know. Was "forcefully" dragged there by my mother. I didn't know anyone there so I just sat there annoyed, staring at nothing but blank air. I usually, I mean, I always do this at home, staring at blank air when I've got nothing to do, or even when doing something, so why would I want to go out of the house to do things that I could actually do "comfortably" and "conveniently" at home. This maybe one of the reasons why I hardly ever go to any gigs anymore, heck even in going to the malls to watch a new flick, well there aren't any very good films anyway, but that's beside the point. Its merely something I drift into whatever it I might be doing, and yes, even while playing my favorite videogames. And it scares me that if I go to some gig, I'll find myself in this exact situation wherein I'd wish I was rather at home.
This seems to make me look like some degenerate prick who doesn't give enough (any?) respect for the dead, maybe not. I for one don't care who would be there at my wake or funeral (if ever there is in fact one) coz frankly I'm dead. But it would be sure nice to know who would show up and actually care and cry and who would be happy that this inconsiderate jerk will do no more harm in this world anymore.
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This is really testing my patience, I mean my brother is. Can't wait till his vacation starts and he stays in Laguna. Hardly slept yesterday, so by noon my eyelids were closing by themselves. Couldn't help it so I had a little shut eye. A few hours (minutes??) later, I woke up to my brother's noise, the PS2 being in the room next to mine, and only a wall separates me from the banging noise of the game at a really loud volume. So I just ignored them, was too sleepy to complain, and continued sleeping. Well, I tried to. Woke up later that afternoon, ate, had a bath, then decided to socialize with them, something I don't do to often when they are around being the complete loner that I am. Played a few basketball games, and actually won against them, yeah, a lousy two games but made me feel better about myself, videogaming-wise that is, coz I generally lose by a wide margin. Good rebounding was the key to those wins. Cool!
Finished downloading two of the four free episodes of the animatrix available on the net. The first one was "The Second Renaissance" which was a nice glimpse on how it all started, how the machines started developing their own consciousness through man's own greed and laziness, depicting scenes from the first time a machine killed a human being up to the point where the machines created their own nation, named zero one, a place they could call home and outside the world of men. Haven't watched the second episode since the sound doesn't work, my Quicktime™ needs updating first. The third episodes is currently being downloaded, as for the fourth one, it isn't yet available, got to wait till May for that one. Yeah, they are big files (30MB each) but certainly worth the wait, the long long wait.
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This is just grand. Nothing seems to be working good enough. Forget about stingeyes.systes.net, as it doesn't even work. Can't even go to the host's own website. It can't be my connection since the one at geocities works loads up perfectly. But then again, I tried uploading new files using geocities and it simply won't work, can't upload any thing. So then I tried a new one, envy.nu, site works, but same shitty uploading problems. They offer uploading by ftp, but it ain't no good either. So am stuck, unable to upload anything, not that any one really cares about it, its just me wanting to atleast have something in this fucking life that actually works smoothly. Damn these shitty connections, if they are at fault.
I wanna play Final Fantasy X, but with my brother home this week and one of my cousin's staying over, who happens to be a videogame addict too, I have little to no time to play at all. During the day, my brother has to bring all his friends to play. Damn! I asked mom to buy the PS2, and they are all benefiting greatly from it. Damn! Atleast, it forces me to use my trusty PC, creating websites, playing with Fireworks™, learning PHP (yeah, right!), and playing Zelda 64 of course. Yup, more videogames, but what I really want is to play with my PS2, well atleast that's what I think I want to do.
Speaking of Zelda 64, it is a great game. Like I said before, this is the only game worthy enough to make me play on the Nintendo 64, thank god for emulators, the game looks even better on a monitor than on TV, thanks to the monitor's high resolution. The new Zelda game, Wind Waker, has already been released for the Gamecube, another game that would make me play on the Gamecube, along with Resident Evil and Metroid. But for me, a RPGamer at heart, the PlayStation is still the best console as it has the most number of RPG's available, not to mention Xenosaga, Final Fantasy and Squaresoft™. Ahhh, can't wait for the other episodes of Xenosaga. Too many games to play, so little time!
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Uploaded the page on a new server (www.systes.net) using FTP. Yeah! First time I actually did it. It is certainly more convenient and faster than using Geocities' uploading feature though at first the program (WS FTP) was a bit confusing to use but I eventually got it right. Cool. The new server seems a bit faster, though I don't know for sure. So now, you can check out this site at stingeyes.systes.net (Yeah, right. As if you'd really care and check this site ever again). Now, all I need is a redirecting service and probably a site meter to keep track of things (like there is anything to keep track of).
Checked out the guestbook, and who better to be the first to sign it than my partner in crime, the other half of the dynamic duo, Jorge. Thanks dude. Yoda man!
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Yey! I actually did something productive today, fixed some electrical wiring in the house that was ruined by our new pet dog. Normally, I just sit around, play videogames, eat and sleep, but I did something different today, something beneficial for everyone. The rest of the day was a bore, my brother and his friends were playing videogames here, so I was left with nothing to do. Yeah, I haven't read the April issue of FHM and I could do a thousand other things on the PC, but I was just to bored out of depression to do anything else. Good thing I decided to fix that wiring, or else no one would, and we wouldn't have a light for the night.
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Wednesday is movie day for me. There were several new movies (The Core, The Recruit, Sex Drive, and that movie with rats in it), but I only had the time for one, mostly because the new ones weren't quite interesting. So I decided to watch Dreamcatcher, something I forgot to see last week. Bought my ticket, only to realize that the other cinemas in RP-Metro East (cinemas 5-8) were oddly designed. Yeah, it had the usual premiere (lower)/deluxe (upper) seatings, but the premiere seats only had five or so rows, meaning it was right there below the screen. So I had to transfer to the deluxe section. Prior to this, I've only seen movies in cinemas 1-4 which had a standard price for all seats. Well, enough of that and onto the movie.
For a moment there, I forgot why I really wanted to see this film on the big screen, it was because the animatrix trailer was attached to the beginning of the movie. God, it looked so fucking great, was more of a short film though than an actual trailer, hence the title. For those who don't know the animatrix would be released later this year on DVD and VCD, containing stories about the matrix universe. Oh, and I saw a new rehashed version of the old the matrix reloaded/revolutions, stating that 2003 is the year of the matrix. Cool! About the actual movie, it was a great and enjoyable experience, haven't read the book so I was quite surprised by the story.
After the movie, I grabbed the April issue of FHM, and went home. In all, this movie day was better than last week. Sure, I really enjoyed and marvelled at how good Daniel Day Lewis was in Gangs of New York, but I was mostly too depressed last week. For some odd reason, I actually felt better yesterday, not perfect just better, which is a good thing.
The guestbook for the site are already working. Hope you'd find the time to drop by and say something.
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Yes! I finally uploaded the site. It's temporarily on geocities, am trying out other hosting services and am still looking for some site for my guestbook. Oh well, atleast it uploaded properly this time and seems to be running smoothly.
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TADA! It's up!! It's up!!
This is my personal site, it's not that obvious, right?
Anyways, I had nothing else better to do so I just conjured this personal website, which took me more like an eternity just to get the layout done (Too many distractions). After much deliberation on what content I should put up in here, I finally decided to just get on with it. I hoped to think off something useful, something informative, and certainly something not similar to that old website I did before, not that I don't like it, I just want something different to do. I've thought about doing a webcomic, but then it occurred to me that I couldn't fucking draw anything other that a stick figure, so that was definitely out of the picture. It's not like I would actually have an audience who would visit the site regularly, so I just made this as personal as it gets. Just something to keep my brain working and thinking about stuff, which is one thing that I really don't stop doing, thinking. And who knows, someone might actually enjoy reading it (Haha...keep on telling yourself that and you might actually believe that shit like that happens!).
Which reminds me, in this site you'd be seeing a lot of comments such as (*insert comment here*) and hence, you might get confused with it. I'd just like to say that that is me talking to myself (either subconsciously or out loud). Because of a severe loneliness and depression in life, am kindda developing two personalities and it seems that the "other" one is starting to take over which would then lead to a state of insanity and schizophrenia. So in order to remind me about the person that I once was, I created this website, posting different kinds of stuff about my life.
In short, am a bum who has nothing to do in life and has no plans whatsoever for the future aside from playing all the videogames I can get my filthy hands on to.
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